AN- I so wanted to try and update everyday then my job happened roommate things happened and I failed to update yesterday. Augh! Sorry. I am going to try to update as much as I can in our count down to The Fosters coming back next week. Just not going to promise in case another work dead line gets thrown at me. :)
I've had this chapter in my head since chapter 1... Grief is a different kind of beast and it attacks everyone differently. It's skews thinking. Makes things that are wrong look right... The next chapters are things I have had planned since chapter 1... Some of this story has been unplanned coming to me in the moment. Some has been outlined. It may not be reality but when your mind is taken over by grief you don't act the same. Thanks for going along this ride with me.
The Fosters
"This doesn't feel real" Jesus whispered to Mariana as the car pulled into a parking spot. "Is this really happening?"
Marina smoothed out her black skirt before opening the car door. She shook her head "Doesn't feel like reality. That's for sure." She slipped out of the car Jude and Jesus climbing out on her side. Brandon on the other the four Foster Adams kids gathered together by the trunk of the car waiting for Lena and Stef while starring up at a big white church.
Mariana slipped her hand into Jesus's and held it tight. She felt him squeeze it. Her stomach twisted in knots knowing if her head hadn't been hurting she would have been in that classroom with Emma and Kate. The only class the twins shared together and one of the three Marina had with Kate. If she hadn't been looking for her mama she would have been with them. She looked up at Jesus. She would have left him without his twin.
He looked down at her and knowing what she was thinking he whispered "I am glad your head was hurting, and you didn't push through it and you went and found mama." Mariana had pushed through migraines as a child so she wouldn't call attention to herself. However she out grew that along the way. "Losing Emma is hard" Jesus whispered to her "Losing you would be unbearable"
Mariana squeezed his hand "Love you" She mouthed trying to not draw attention to them any further.
"Alright gang" Stef cleared her throat "We should go in and find seats. Let's remember to very respectful. This is a very hard time. If any of you need something I am here for you" She said making sure to make eye contact with each child before grabbing Lena's hand.
"Do you think Callie's okay at home?" Lena whispered to Stef as they walked across the street to the park "I was kind of hard on her and she was asleep before we left."
"You're the one that said she needed to nap love" She smiled "You saw how tired she was."
"I didn't tell her I loved her" Lena sighed "I wish I told her that before she fell asleep."
"Lena, love she knows" Stef assured her "And she's in great hands the moms are going to spoil her and feed her that boxed mac and cheese she loves so much"
Lena crinkled her nose at the thought "Cardboard they are feeding my baby cardboard."
"Cardboard covered in chemical cheese"
Lena groaned but let out a much needed laugh as she gripped Stef's hand tighter "I don't think I am ready for this"
"Lena" Karina jointed them. "I see you brought the tribe" She said eying the kids.
"They wanted to come" Lena shook her head as Karina surprised her by giving her a hug in the middle of her sentence before pulling back "They were their peers and friends too."
"Of course" Karina nodded "You didn't bring Callie? Is that because?..."
"Don't!" Lena glared at the woman in front of her. "Don't you dare tell me this means Callie is being unsocial?"
Stef's eyes got wide "Lena , honey."
Kariana shook her head "No, Lena I am sorry. I was going to ask if that means she's still having a hard time?"
Lena shook her head "Karina that kid has been through more than you and I can ever imagine and the strong. The strong kid can't be expected to be strong all the time."
"I bet as a mother that hurts. I am sorry." She asked wrapping her arm around Lena's shoulders shocking both Stef and Lena "Why don't you take tomorrow meetings off too. Be there for your kid"
Lena nodded "Thank you, I'll play it by ear. Stef's home all week and my mom is here. I do eventually have to get back to work and my kids have to get back to the real world."
"Mom" Jude said approaching them "It's time to find a seat."
Lena nodded as she and Stef grabbed his out stretched hands.
"Lena take care of yourself that's the most important thing" She then took a deep breath "Can I sit with you guys?"
Stef nodded "Sure of course" She said as she led them into the church.
The funeral it's self was beautiful but Lena had a hard time focusing on what was being said. All she could think about was she knew every person died. She knew every kid in that school every staff member. She knew some better than others but she knew them all.
Stef held her hand the entire time squeezing it every so often reminding her she was there.
However Lena barley felt it. Her eyes locked on the twin coffins at the front of the church. The coffins that held two beautiful girls. Two girls she'd known since they were just little tiny girls.
Oh how easily it could have been her twins laying in those coffins. She swallowed back tears at the thought. Or her and Callie in those coffins. This was now a reality. She knew people had died. She knew she had been shot. She knew she had put Callie's life in grave danger when she decided to run. However none of it felt real until this moment. Suddenly she felt like she was drowning. She couldn't breathe. She didn't hear the final prayer. She didn't hear the minister excuse everyone to the dining hall for refreshments.
It wasn't until she heard her daughter's sobs did she break her gaze away from the coffins.
"Love, I am going to take Mariana out of here. She's about ready to hyperventilate." Stef said breaking the hold on Lena's hand and quickly gathering up Mariana in her arms.
Lena nodded glancing at her daughter she knew she should go after her too but she couldn't. She couldn't function. Yet she found herself standing up and walking down the isle of the church standing in front of the twin white closed coffins. Her eyes just staring at them. It could have been her kids.
She looked to the left and saw a picture college she found herself moving to stand in front of it. Hundreds of pictures showing this beautiful family life. The two older Ackerson children holding their twin sister's the day they came home from the hospital. Years of the siblings and their parents growing up. Her eyes traveled up to a picture from her own yard. Her fingers reached up and touched the picture. Emma and Jesus taking a break from riding their new skate boards juice boxes in hand bandages on their knees. Mariana and Kate on a blanket spread out on the grass with a thousand or so Barbie's and accessories spread out between the two. Brandon on the swing with a book and a juice box. She found herself smiling at the memory. Lena and Stef had taken the twins for four whole days while Kate and Emma's parents traveled to New York City to adopt their youngest child another little girl for this family. It hadn't worked for them to bring their four children so the two older ones went to their grandmother's house and the twins went to them so not to overwhelm the grandmother. Stef and Lena didn't mind it really helped pull Mariana out of her shell. Kate and her were never best friends but they did enjoy each other's company from time to time and Jesus loved every moment he got with Emma.
"Take the picture"
Lena turned around to see Afton Kate and Emma's mom standing behind her with a sad smile on her face as she looked at Lena's hands on the picture.
"Oh. I can't."
"Please" Afton reached up and unfastened it from the board and handed it to Lena. "I have a copy" She assured "If nothing else give it to Jesus. He was special to Emma. She'd want him to have it."
Lena held the picture in her hands and nodded "Their friendship was special. They didn't spend as much time together in high school"
"But whenever they did see each other or hang out it's like nothing change. They each allowed the other to find their own path but still had that connection."
Lena nodded as she looked to Afton "I have no words…"
"That's the best thing someone can say" Afton said softly "I am tired of people telling me they are sorry, or they understand or it will get easier."
Lena couldn't imagine it getting any easier so she wasn't going to stay that.
"What are you doing here?" A harder voice said from behind Lena
Both Lena and Afton turned to see Juila Mayberry standing in front of them eyes full of rage. Julia Mayberry the mother to Trent Mayberry who was in the same classroom with Kate and Emma. He too had died at the scene.
"I.."
"Julia" Afton shook her head going to speak
"Don't you hate her?" Julia snapped "While our kids were murdered in a blood bath. Lena here was working on saving her own kids. None of our kids mattered to her. You let our children DIE Lena she screamed."
Lena sucked in some air "My girls were with me at the moment of course I tried to save them!" She defended herself "It was a freak rare moment where I had a sick kid, and another one mentally breaking down on the anniversary of the death of her mother. I was sending them home! The shots broke out and of course I tried to save them! As I would have done with any other child who was with me! I didn't choose my kids over all the other kids! If that had been true I would have worked a lot harder on finding out where my other three kids were! I didn't! I shoved my daughter in a BENCH!" She cried tears falling "And I led Callie out into a war zone as I was going to shove her out the door to go back in and find kids. I wasn't picking my kids over others. I was trying to get them! They were on my mind which probably makes me a bad mother."
Julia had begun sobbing by this point and with Lena's raised voice they had now officially drawn a crowd.
"Julia!" Afton yelled silencing the whole room. "I get that you are in pain! I am too, it's suffocating! I get wanting to blame someone for the senseless deaths! Our babies are gone and we aren't getting them back" Tears were rolling down her cheeks as well "But you can't blame Lena for this or any other teacher in that building! There is no way they could save all the kids! Don't blame her for something you would have done yourself! If your children were right in front of you, you would have saved them! That's what mother's do! She's a good mother and she's a great Vice Principal. The kids lover her but she's only one person. She's human just like we are. She couldn't have saved them. So if you need to blame someone. Blame the kids that did this."
"We don't blame you" Julia's husband came up behind his wife scooping her up in his strong arms. "Losing our only son" He whispered is destroying us.
"Lena" Stef had now returned and was wanting to get her out of this.
"I am sorry" Lena said to Julia "I am so sorry. I wish I could have saved them all. I don't understand what you're feeling but I am sorry."
Julia sobbed into her husband's arms as he carried her away.
Lena felt herself being wrapped up tightly in arms herself almost thinking it was Stef only to realize it was Afton. "It's not your fault" Afton whispered into her ear before breaking away. "I need some air." She looked up at twin coffins then turned quickly making a getaway.
Lena was beyond numb at this time she didn't even recognize that Stef had pulled her away. It wasn't until she was being buckled in the front seat of the car did she realize she had been moved.
She heard sniffling in the back seat. Turning she saw four of her kids. She handed the picture back to Jesus before turning in her seat. Still numb with Julia's voice echoing in her head. She had failed all those beautiful babies and her friends. She had failed.
The Fosters
FB
"We have five kids for the weekend and Monday and Tuesday" Lena said happily to Stef who just walked in the door
Stef's eyes got wide "What?"
"I ran into Afton today when I was picking up the twins" Lena explained as she pulled out five plastic plates to put pizza and carrot sticks on. "She looked so distressed."
Stef grabbed the ranch and nodded "Alright."
"Her and Brian are flying to New York to adopt finalize the adoption of baby Chloe Grace and bring her home. Yet her mother got sick and just can't handle all four kids. Especially ones as high energy as Emma."
Stef squeezed ranch onto the plates while Lena cut the pizza slices smaller. "I see, so you said you'd take Emma and Kate?"
Lena blushed and then gave Stef her cheesy grin "Yes?"
"Mommy!" Mariana squealed realizing Stef was home as she ran through the kitchen with Kate following behind
Stef knelt down and caught her daughter "Well hi Miss Thing." She said crouching down and catching Mariana in mid run settling her on her hip so she could hug her."
"I missed you mommy"
"I missed you too my love"
Mariana gave Stef a few kisses before wiggling to get down "Mommy, Kate's spending the night for a few nights in a row! Mama set up a bed in my room for her and Emma! And she brought Barbies!"
"Oh" Stef smiled kneeling down "Great! Barbie Shoes for Mommy to step on! My favorite those are just as bad as legos!"
"Mommy!" She rolled her eyes
"We'll be careful" Kate said shyly "I'll make sure I pick them up Mrs. Foster."
Stef reached out and pulled Kate to her giving her a quick hug before tapping her nose "I am just kidding sweets. You and Mariana have as much fun as you can do you understand? This is a fun house! We need to have fun!"
Kate nodded with a smile "Okay"
"Girls go wash up for dinner" Lena smiled at the two as Jesus and Emma ran in the back door "Mama... Oh hi mom" He smiled at Stef "We crashed"
Stef looked down to see two sets of bloody knees "Oh you guys did wipe out. Was at least a good wipe out?
"The best!" Emma said with a big grin "And we stayed on for a long time and did several jumps!"
"Nice!" Stef high fived her before leading them over to the bench "Let me clean you little rugrats up then it's dinner."
Brandon shook his head as he watched Stef clean the knees as he sat down beside the two "They did catch air it was rather cool, this weekend is going to be full of bloody knees and Barbie shoes."
"B do you want to invite a friend over tonight or tomorrow?" Lena asked suddenly not wanting him to feel let out.
Stef eye's shot up "Six kids?"
Lena shrugged "I spend my days with hundreds and I keep them all alive. I am sure we could handle six for a few hours."
"You might be able to keep them all alive" Stef teased "Me I may fail" She said poking Emma's side getting her to giggle
"She's just kidding" Jesus said with an eye roll just like his twin.
"I know" Emma nodded
"I am good" Brandon smiled to Lena "I don't mind hanging out with these guys. It's fun"
Jesus nodded "B was playing music for us earlier and we were making skate scenes and recoding it! It was awesome!
Lena smiled "Sounds fun. Alright guys go wash for dinner."
Stef stuck on the last bandage and sent them on the way. "Five kids huh? Should be fun"
"Sorry I didn't ask you first" Lena said coming up behind Stef pulling her into a hug "I just wanted to help Afton out and Mariana perked up so much at the idea of having them here. It's good for her."
"You're fine love" Stef assured her "I love your helping heart, and you're right. You keep hundreds alive everyday. I am sure we can handle five."