"Why is she still in my life?" Dean repeated her question. "You can't ask me that." Why was he so calm? Didn't he realize what was happening? Renee knew. She knew! This was not supposed to happen. This was terrible; didn't he see it? The nightmare coming true . . . but Dean breathed normally. One could say he was calmer than before. The bottom line was now he knew what was wrong with Renee. Nothing, that's what. Her reaction was absolutely understandable; maybe even a little temperate.
"What should I ask, then? If you're cheating on me?" Maybe the first question was better, but this one was easier to answer.
"I'm not cheating on you." He couldn't tell whether she believed him or not. He said it again, "I'm not cheating on you, Renee. Do you trust me?"
"Can I trust you?" she countered.
"If you doubt that then I really don't know what we're doing here."
"Neither do I."
They looked at each other. They felt like in a vacuum. Those people that were in reality standing all around them did not exist in their universe. Not even the noise could be heard in place they were occupying. Their universe was calm, peaceful. But that was far from how it was supposed to look like. "This is not how it's supposed to be," even Renee noticed.
"What do you want to do; fight?"
"No. I don't know. Maybe. Isn't fighting a sign that it matters to you?"
"Renee, you matter to me. Our relationship matters to me. But if you don't trust me, everything that I say is meaningless."
She thought about it. She had imagined that this would go differently; not that they would necessarily argue, but Dean should have fought for her and for their love . . . or whatever it was. Why doesn't he say no, it's not like that. Why doesn't he scream, shout that he loves her and her only? From when does he care about the people that could hear him? Or maybe that was not the problem. Maybe when he said he loved her he didn't really mean it. Either way, Renee wanted some clarification.
"So what? You give up? You're not even gonna try to make me forgive you?"
"Forgive me? What's there to forgive? I didn't cheat on you, for Christ's sake! I didn't do anything wrong."
Renee had nothing to say to that. Dean's strategy, whatever it was, surprised her; she wasn't ready for it. Well, you didn't do anything right, either, she could have said. But she didn't. She was taken back by lack of Dean's apology. And his expressionless face. He didn't feel threatened; at least it didn't appear so.
"Fight, damn it!"
"Or it's over," he finished instead of her. And astonishment took charge of her face. She was speechless.
Dean was back with Seth. "What did she say?" Seth kept asking. "Did she break up with you?" he wanted to know. Know, not for it to happen.
But instead of giving him a straight answer, Dean concluded, "I'm not good at relationships."
"Is that what Renee said?" Screw you, Dean, Seth thought to himself, just say it! Seth couldn't handle not knowing if they were still together or not. Was it so difficult to say? Yes, we're done. No, there's still a chance.
"No," Dean finally replied.
"Then? What happened next?"
Renee couldn't believe how calm he was. Did she matter to him at all? It looked like he didn't care about anything anymore.
"I'm sorry, Renee. I don't want it to be over. Please, forget about what I have said. Let's start over."
She looked away. What was he thinking, how did all of this work? You don't get a second chance. But he didn't seem to get it.
"You were asking, why is she still in my life?" Dean started "over," even without her permission. "She's not. Okay? I'm done with her."
"Really?"
Dean was glad that at least he was able to get her to respond. He smiled, although he knew she wouldn't. "Yes," Dean assured her.
There was a sign of happiness behind that unreadable face. But sooner than it could become visible, it disappeared. "You don't want to stop seeing her. If you did, you'd cut her off your life much sooner."
Dean wasn't sure what to say. "But . . ." He really didn't have much to tell her to that. For one thing, it was true.
"If you do it now, it'll be because of me."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"Yes; of course it's a bad thing. I don't know what you feel toward her, but I know that as soon as we, you and I, get into an argument, she'll become the one to run to."
"You have no reason to think that." Then Dean took a deep breath. This wasn't good. "You really don't trust me." And she didn't prove him wrong. "Again. Why is she still in my life? Because we're friends; nothing more."
"Dean, you cannot start over each time you get somewhere you don't like. It doesn't work like that."
"I don't care how it usually works. I won't stop until I'll make you see there's nothing to worry about."
"Is there not? Really? You broke up with her to be with me. How can I be sure this scenario won't repeat?"
"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't break up with her; she broke up with me."
"How exactly is that supposed to make me feel better?" Wrong strategy, Dean. Really wrong. Renee was pissed and it was getting worse each minute. She didn't want to be there. And for that matter, she didn't want to be in his presence, either.
He tried to follow her but it was soon clear that it was better to give her some time and space. What's the point of getting the chance to say something when you have nothing to say? Dean had to think about it too. What would be the best way to approach this? He couldn't just keep saying what popped in his head; that would only get him single. As for now, they were still a couple, and Dean didn't want to jeopardize it more than he already had.
"So you're still in the middle of the fight?" Seth asked.
"Thanks to you," Dean pointed out.
"But you're still together. I didn't cause your break up." Seth was somewhat happy about that. That was the bottom line that stopped his regretting the decision to tell Renee about Cassie's ongoing presence in Dean's life.
"Not yet. If we break up, it'll be because of you; I'm sure of that. It won't be because of Cassie or something that I do. You will be the reason."
Seth groaned, "Get your eyes off your ass and look around you real good. You're the one who's messing up everything he touches. Your ex was supposed to stay your ex only and not become your friend. And Renee . . . you should try harder to keep her around. She'll be gone before you snap your fingers if you keep putting all the blame on me instead of fixing what you've broken. I mean, was getting your hands on me more important than getting Renee to forgive you? Fuck you and your priorities, Dean." Seth didn't mind getting a little beaten by Dean; it wasn't totally fair of him to tell on Dean and not even warn him about it afterwards. But now that the brawl between them was over, it was time for Dean to go fix problems somewhere else. Maybe revenge is in human nature but so should be trying to make right what you've done wrong. As long as there's a chance you need to keep trying. "Or, are you scared?" Seth guessed when Dean kept standing there, without intentions to leave and go find his girlfriend. "Worried that she will not want to listen to your lies and decides to break up with you instead?"
"I wouldn't lie to her," Dean reacted to only one part of that question.
"You want to keep living in impression that everything's fine . . . but it's not," Seth added in emphatic whisper.
"Whose side are you on?" he questioned his buddy's intentions.
"Justice, of course." Seth grinned. "Look, I'd love for you two to be together but Renee has every right to dump you."
"Sometimes I think that you'd like her to be with you."
Seth kept on smiling; this was flattery to him. "I wouldn't date someone you have; I'd automatically assume they suck at picking their partners," he joked. But at least in that moment, he really meant the first part. "Seriously now, go talk to her. I'm sure she'll forgive you for keeping that dirty secret called Cassie. Also," he got even more serious, "I hope you'll forgive me for telling her. I know it was . . . childish of me. And thinking it was the right thing to do was but a stupid excuse. Besides, I shouldn't have automatically assumed that because you still have some pictures of your ex in your phone, you're keeping them intentionally. And that you could be cheating on Renee. I'm truly sorry," Seth said sincerely. "I promise that from now on I won't interfere in your life. I mean it."