A/N: Welcome to the new followers! I've written this chapter several times over, all of them with a different outcome and all of them with different repercussions for Vauseman. I'm settling on this version, before I change my mind again! Thank you for your reviews on the last cliffhanger - you're all right in your own way on the reasons why Piper did that and the truth is that Piper runs away or avoids discomfort / conflict. She doesn't think about the repercussions of throwing a grenade in as she turns to run, she just wants to get the Hell out of Dodge for the most part. I'll leave it to your own interpretations for why and how they can deal with this as I do enjoy reading those reviews where you tell me what your thoughts are. Hope you have a great weekend guys!
"I'm sorry Alex."
"Yeah, you keep saying that." Alex pulled her glasses from her hair and ran her hands through it.
"I don't know what else to say….." Piper fidgeted with her hands in her lap.
"You say it like that's the end of the conversation. Like we haven't got anything more to discuss."
"Well…is there anything more to say?" Piper looked at Alex now and saw the hurt in her eyes.
"Yes, there's more to say. You implied you're choosing between dealing with the rape counselling and court case on one side and me on the other. How the Hell can you weigh me against that Piper?!"
"That's not what I meant at all! I'm not comparing you. I thought it would make things easier. We've both got a lot going on at the moment and I think we need to focus on our own lives."
"There's that word again – 'I'. I'm sorry. I think we need to focus on our own lives. I think it will make things easier…How about you turn that around into a different kind of 'I' statement – I think we should talk?" The frustration was clear in Alex's tone as she pushed the words across the table, skidding them into Piper's lap to deal with the rebuke.
"Alex, I don't want to argue with you. That's not why I'm here." Piper sighed and rubbed her face. This was not any part of the conversation that she had rehearsed before coming here and she really hadn't meant for the words to be spoken aloud. But, as usual, the foot in mouth disease had already struck a familiar target and she was left dodging the bullets of her clearly hurt girlfriend in what was supposed to be a visit to apologise and wipe the slate clean.
"Why are you here then? Because I've obviously massively misunderstood what was happening from the point you turned up at my door with a bunch of flowers."
Piper sighed and stroked her hair behind her ear. "I don't know now. This was a bad idea. I think it might be better if I go." Piper rose from the table and moved to empty the rest of her plate into the trash.
"This is exactly what I can't deal with while I'm dealing with the court case." Piper's voice got a little shaky and caught in her throat as she stooped to put her plate into the dishwasher, turning quickly to pick up her coat.
"I just don't understand where this has come from Piper. I feel like I've done something wrong and you're not really explaining what that is. You came around here with flowers and apologising, then the next minute you're saying we need to break up. I'm getting whiplash here." Alex was perplexed by the sudden turn of events and sighed as she watched Piper walk towards the door.
"I guess that's something else I've managed to fuck up then. I'm sorry you're confused. I'm sorry I can't explain myself properly. I guess it's my word of the night. Sorry."
"Piper don't go. Please. I'll give you space, I'll listen. Just don't go." Piper stopped at the door, leaning against it with her hands. Alex sensed there was a chance of Piper listening to her and there was sudden pressure to do and say the right thing so the stray didn't escape into the traffic. She walked a little closer and sat on the arm of the sofa, a stride length away from the door.
"Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in your head. I promise I won't judge, just listen. Please Piper, don't leave." Alex didn't hear the pleading in her own voice, but Piper heard it loud and clear. She was taken all the way back to the day she walked out on Alex in Paris and the sudden familiarity of the situation turned her stomach. Even after everything that had happened to her in recent years, that moment was a turning point for life to go in a very dark direction and she'd spent such a long time thinking about the different lives she might have led if she had chosen different options on that day. The emotions were overwhelming and she felt like opening the door and running would be the best and worst thing for her right now. Her thoughts and emotions were spinning around inside her brain and stomach simultaneously and in opposing directions. Escape would ease the nausea and faintness she was feeling, leaning against this door and she could breathe once she was on the other side. Closing it behind her would mean leaving Alex for a second time when the brunette was pleading with her to remain. The prickly heat on the back of her neck rose and she dropped her head to try and get the blood flow regulated. She concentrated on breathing through her nose and out through her mouth to try and create a rhythm that would slow her drumming heart. A few moments of silence later the nausea overwhelmed her and she wretched as she felt the bile rising in her throat. Her stomach heaved for a second time and she threw up the take-out on the floor where she was hunched over. Alex was quickly by her side, pulling her hair back and soothing her contorting back muscles with her gentle fingers.
Piper leaned over more with her palms on her knees, continuing to throw up until it was only bile and she was sobbing as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Shit…. I'll clean that up for you." Piper gasped as she stood up a little and turned to walk away from the brunette. Alex caught her upper arm and stopped her before she was able to escape.
"Hey, it's fine. Are you OK?" Alex pressed the back of her hand against Piper's forehead to check for a fever.
"Peachy." Piper wiped at her face with her sleeve as tears rolled down her cheeks.
"It's alright." Alex was still stroking her hand up and down Piper's back as she spoke.
"Nothing about this is alright though is it?!" Piper sniffed.
"Let me clean this up. Jesus, what a fucking mess." Piper looked to the ceiling as she sniffed hard to stop her nose from running.
"I can do that. You go into the bathroom and take your time freshening up. There's a toothbrush in the cupboard by the sink that you used last time. I'll get you some iced water when you're ready. Shout me if you need anything OK?" Alex brushed strands of sweaty blonde hair behind Piper's ear and smoothed her hair away from her hot forehead. Piper was still avoiding her eyes as she nodded and walked to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
Alex ran some hot, soapy water in the kitchen sink and walked to the spare room to find some clean clothes for Piper to wear. Passing the bathroom on the way, she could hear Piper crying behind the door and stopped to think whether attempting to talk to her right now would be a wise move. Pressing her forehead against the smooth wood, she longed to be allowed on the other side of the sudden barrier to comfort her girlfriend, but she also knew there were more difficult barriers inside that room than the wooden door right now. She was feeling totally ill equipped for dealing with this and was clearly handing everything precisely the wrong way to be any help whatsoever. Deciding to let Piper have some space to think, she walked into the spare room and got some clothes out of the drawers before putting them on the table. She cleaned up the mess by the door and was putting away the cleaning supplies when Piper walked back into the room and picked her jacket up.
"I'm sorry for puking on your floor, I think it's best if I-"
"Stop…..Just stop will you?" Alex threw the cloth into the sink with a little more force than necessary and Piper jumped.
"I don't want to hear another fucking apology from you tonight. You have NOTHING to be sorry about Piper. It's me who should be apologising for being a selfish asshole and making you feel guilty about wanting to break up with me. It's no fucking wonder you want rid of me when this is how I support you is it?" Alex sighed.
"Alex…." Piper was weary from being sick and from and argument she never wanted to start.
"Here. I got you some clean clothes to change into. Yours aren't looking or smelling too great right now." Alex nodded towards the bottoms of Piper's jeans where they were sporting unsightly splash marks.
"Thanks." Piper headed into the spare room to change into the black yoga pants and tank that Alex had handed to her before returning to the lounge.
"I got you some iced water. Have a drink of this and sit down for a minute will you? I promise I'll try not to be a dick for a full 15 minutes while you drink it OK?" Alex smiled a little as she handed her the water and Piper accepted and put her coat down.
"Are you feeling any better?"
"Yeah, I think there's nothing left to throw up now. I'm really s-. OK, I won't say that, but I didn't mean to throw up on your lounge floor."
"It's not like you meant to do it….Did you?" Alex raised an eyebrow at Piper.
"No! I would have chosen something far more expensive for you to get cleaned." Piper smiled in return.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex offered as she sat next to Piper on the couch.
"About what?"
"Your panic attack."
Piper blushed as she held onto her water and felt her stomach muscles twist again.
"I don't know. It might bring on another one." She answered honestly.
"And if it does, there's no more food to deposit onto my cherry wood floor, so the clean up operation will be super quick." Alex reached over and started to soothe her palm up and down Piper's back as she sat forwards to drink the water. "How long have you been having them?"
Piper sighed. "On and off, 2 years now."
"What happened the first time you had a panic attack?"
"I didn't know it was a panic attack at the time, but it was after the rape in the showers. I started to get really anxious every time I went to the bathroom when there wasn't a shower queue. My heart would beat really fast, I'd get really hot and feel faint. I just learned to avoid the situation to avoid feeling like that."
"But you've been having them since you came out of prison, so what's the trigger outside?"
"I don't know. Situations where it brings back a memory from my past that has bad feelings associated with it, a feeling of not being able to escape to avoid the attack getting worse I guess." Piper put her glass down as she was starting to shake and it was obvious with the water moving, so she sat on her hands. Alex could feel her muscles tensed in her back and continued to move her hand up and down as she spoke.
"Do I make you feel anxious?"
"No. Of course not."
"What do you think triggered the attack you just had?"
"Paris. You asking me to stay and me being by the door about to leave brought the day right back. If I'd have left, I may not have been sick because I would be avoiding the feelings, but leaving would have meant doing exactly what I regretted doing all those years ago, so I couldn't do it."
"And how do you feel right now? Do you feel like you might have another attack?"
"My stomach is doing somersaults, but I don't think I'm going to puke. Your fancy couch is safe."
"My fancy couch just breathed a sigh of relief I think. You're shaking, are you cold?"
"No. It's just because I'm talking about it I think."
"Do you want to change the subject?"
"Yeah, if you don't mind."
"How about I put the TV on and we zone out for a while then?"
"Yeah, that sounds good."
Alex reached for the remote and put some celebrity interview on for them before settling into the corner of the sofa and pulling Piper over towards her. After 5 minutes of feeling Piper quivering against her side, Alex reached back for a throw and pulled it around her shoulders. Piper leaned further still against Alex, resting her head onto her shoulder as she tried to concentrate on the celebrity recalling an anecdote from her movie set. The blonde was still shaking, so Alex pulled her onto her lap, tugging the edges of the throw around her and kissing her forehead as she pressed her against her upper body. In response, Piper put her arm around Alex's waist and ran her thumb in circles on the skin just above the brunette's hip.
Eventually, the shaking and nervous stomach went away as Piper relaxed into the inane chatter on the TV. Alex could care less what pre-agreed questions the talk show host was asking, she was focused on Piper's breathing and the feel of her body heat against her skin as they sat in comfortable silence in front of the TV. Maybe this is what they needed to do to be together. No talking, just being. There was no denying the comfort they felt in each other's arms and Alex yearned to be able to do this every night with the woman in her lap right now. Aware that Piper's breathing had evolved into a gentle snore at this point, Alex turned the volume down on the TV a little and leaned her head back into the sofa to get comfy. She didn't want to disturb Piper right now. If she were honest, she was afraid that the blonde would want to leave if she woke her up. So she opted to let herself enjoy the moment a little longer and just try and etch every feeling and sensation of this closeness to memory for fear of it not happening again. Piper nuzzled into Alex's neck as she adjusted her position and Alex couldn't help but smile that she had managed to keep the stray safe for another night.
XXXXX
Alex awoke a couple of hours later with a crick in her neck from sitting in an awkward position. Piper was still holding onto her and sleeping soundly in her lap. She pulled her glasses onto her face and squinted at the clock by the side of the room to see it was 01:30. As much as it was nice having Piper so close, neither of them would appreciate the body aches in the morning if they stayed like this, so Alex tried to move to wake Piper by sitting up a little and kissing her head.
"Pipes, come on. Let's get you into bed now babe."
"Mmmm…time is it?"
"Half one."
Piper sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Shit. I have to be at the store just after 8."
"It's OK. You can get at least 5 hours of decent sleep if you get in bed now while you're still sleepy."
"Ooh, ouch." Piper stood up and straightened herself back out after being sat in the same position for so long.
"Do you want to sleep in the spare room….or…?" Alex wasn't sure how to finish the question, but felt it was fair to ask it in the circumstances.
"Or drive home?" Piper knitted her eyebrows in confusion as Alex stood up and turned off the TV.
"Or my room I was going to say. Driving home is pointless at this time. You'll end up being more awake by the time you get back."
"Your room. Obviously." Piper rolled her eyes as she started to walk sleepily towards the door to Alex's stairs before stopping to see why Alex wasn't following her. "I'm assuming you'll be sleeping there too?"
"Yes, I will." Alex smiled and shut off the lights, locking the door before taking Piper's outstretched hand and following her upstairs to her room.