A/N: **Minor edit to the original posting of this chapter which DOES change the story a little.
Just want to start by saying that Team GB are now second in the medal table for the Olympics! Fantastic show of sport over the last week and I'm loving the TV coverage. Well done to Michael Phelps too - are we sure that guy isn't an actual robot?!
Back to the story...Wow. What a reaction to that last chapter. I'm astonished by the hate for Alex and the wording of those reviews has been strong to say the least. I'm glad the story has garnered such an emotional response on one hand, but torn about whether to defend Alex or not. Some people saw it the way I do - Alex is a person with feelings. Others thinking it abhorrent that she could put her feelings before Piper in any way shape or form and feel eternally guilty for what she has done. I'll pick some salient points from the reviews to explain and hope that calms the fires...
1) Alex did not name Piper as payback for leaving her. She did in the TV show, but NOT in this story. In this story, she did it because she knew someone else would name her and if Alex did it, she could control what they were told and limit the damage more. She never thought Piper would even go to prison based on what she turned over to the Feds and she always loved Piper and would not hurt her like that. Piper knew it was Alex from the moment she was arrested and came to terms with that and the fact that she actually did break the law a long time ago. Alex's guilt for her being imprisoned far outweighs any resentment Piper has toward her for being there. Piper feels she has paid her debt to society and she's got a clean conscience about what she did now because of that. She's got a lot of other trauma to deal with as a result, but hating Alex for sending her there isn't part of it.
2) Piper tried to break up with Alex and Alex wouldn't hear of it because she was thinking about her own darkest fears, that Piper would leave her again. When she's really thought about it and considered the effect it is having on Piper, she's tried to make it easier on Piper. Writing the letter was a shit move, but it ripped off the band aid and forced them to be apart physically. It also meant I could get on with writing about Piper's story without interweaving a lot of to and fro with Alex in close proximity (sorry / not sorry).
3) Yes, Alex is missing physical intimacy like they used to share, but she's not mad because she can't get Piper off. She's missing it because it has always been core to they way they can communicate their feelings. They are frequently bad with words, so physical intimacy was something they shared to show those feelings in a different way. Not having that is like losing one of their key senses and the connection is more difficult for them now. It's too soon for joint counselling as the focus needs to be on Piper right now, so this has taken a back seat (understandably).
Happy to answer any PMs if you have more questions, but really I'm happy for you to interpret the story in your own way. You're all reading the same words and feel differently about the characters and their actions and that's fine. You're going to struggle to root for Vauseman if you don't feel any empathy towards Alex at all in this situation though, so I urge you to put yourself into her shoes or you won't be invested in the story. I've got the next chapter done, but as with this one, I've tweaked it as a result of the reviews, so I'm holding it back until I get those for Chapter 70. Thanks for the reviews by the way, even though each notification made me cringe to open it and read it for the last one chapter!
Piper read the letter over again before scrunching it up and throwing it on the table. She leaned on her hands, breathing heavily as her anger raised in her veins.
"Fuck you Alex!" She threw her wine glass against the wall, shattering as it hit and wine ran down the paintwork.
Pacing around the room like a caged lion, she searched for some sort of an outlet for all of the rage that had built inside but found none. She banged her fists against the wall in frustration and vented her ragged voice against the magnolia painted wall until she felt hoarse from straining her throat. She needed to take the edge off and calm down, so walking to the cupboard where the vodka was stored was an automatic movement. Like muscle memory was taking over when things reached a certain level of shittiness. The level dinged and the door was open to the clear taste of feeling numbed. Her hands shook with the anticipation of the feeling and she fumbled with the screw cap for a second before twisting it off and letting it spin onto the linoleum floor. She grabbed a tumbler from the drainer and poured until it was three quarters full. The liquid was still sloshing against the sides with turbulence from the glugged pouring as she lifted the glass to her lips quickly. Taking a large gulp, she focused on the sensation of the liquid coating the back of her throat as it flooded her senses. Her faithful friend, always there to take away the pain at a moment's notice. Piper closed her eyes and felt the path of the liquid through her system, visualising it putting out the fire in her veins as it journeyed through her body and into her bloodstream. Another big gulp to send some reinforcement troops to support the front line attack on her senses and she could taste it this time. God it felt good to know that the fire she felt in the pit of her stomach would soon be gone and she might be able to unclench her fists and relax her muscles a little. Another couple of gulps and the tumbler was finished. Wiping the back of her hand across her mouth, she poured another and carried the bottle with her to sit back on the couch, cradling it in the crook of her arm.
"I guess it's just you and me now then bud." She raised the glass in the air, as though checking it for clarity. "To us."
XXXXX
It was after 10am when the sunlight shining through the front window finally pulled Piper from her curled up position on the sofa. She screwed her eyes up as the sunlight beamed onto them and turned away, huffing at the audacity of nature to interrupt her unconscious state. She turned over and put her back to it, returning to sleep until she was awoken by loud banging on her front door at 4pm. Pulling a throw over her head to try and block out the sound, the banging persisted and was on the window now. Her head was beginning to hurt now that she couldn't sleep through the incessant pounding and she shouted over her shoulder angrily.
"I'm not here!"
After a moment of quiet, the front door opened and her short hopes of being left alone were dashed when she heard a voice above her.
"I'm guessing the sales figures might be down today then."
Piper furrowed her brow and turned to see a silhouette of Polly with her hands on her hips in front of the sun. Shielding her eyes with the back of her hand from the painful rays, Piper groaned.
"How did you get in?"
"With my key. The one I use in emergencies. Like when you don't answer your phone for 24 hours. Or tell me to take the day off because you'll look after the store and I drive by and see the place closed up all day."
"Well, you can give it back now. Emergency over."
"I see that. I see you're doing just peachy right here. Have you been here all night?" Polly moved to pick up the empty bottle of cheap vodka that was still being cradled by Piper in her sleep, taking it to drop it into the trash.
The sound of broken glass crunching underfoot caused them both to look over to the front door, where Pete stopped in his tracks to look down.
"I'm glad you persuaded me to stop wearing flip flops in winter over here Pol. Could've lost a pinky there."
"You'd better stay there in case you tread it in more. Hang on, I'll find a brush…." Polly busied herself with looking for the cleaning utensils and Pete turned to regard the wall with the splash mark from the wine last night.
"Maybe a cloth too Pol." He nodded at the stain on the wall before stepping out of his shoes and taking a giant stride over to sit next to Piper on the sofa.
"How you doing sport?" He rubbed her leg through the throw as she sat up.
"Have I got an axe hanging out the back of my head?"
"Lemme see….Yeah! Fuck, it's a big one too! I can pull it out with a couple of Advil if you want?"
"I might just keep it. Maybe if people can see I already have one, they won't feel the need to bury another axe into my skull when I'm down."
Pete glanced over at Polly and caught her eye, not sure what to say next. Piper spoke first though.
"Advil would be good, they're in the drawer by the sink. Thanks."
"I'll get them Pete, it's OK." Polly emptied the glass into the bin and filled a glass of water, bringing the tablets over.
"So, what happens now?" Polly asked as she went to wipe the wine off the wall.
"You don't have to do that. I'll do it later. I don't want to do anything right now." Piper gulped the Advil down with some water and finished the glass in an attempt to rehydrate her fuzzy tongue.
"I know you don't and I've already finished. You didn't answer my question."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what do you want us to do now?"
"I don't follow. Go home?"
"Piper….." Polly sat on her heels in front of her and caught her eyes. "I know this is about Alex and I'm not about to judge you for however you deal with that. What I don't know is what you want us to do to help you through this without vodka."
It took a while for the words to sink in and be re-organised into an order that made any sense in her foggy brain, but her eyes widened and narrowed just as fast when she realised what Polly just said.
"You knew?! You fucking knew ?! How did you know?"
Polly sighed, knowing she'd have to have this conversation and expecting the reaction.
"Alex came to see me on Friday while you were off. She asked me to look out for you."
"She can tell my best friend she's going to dump me in person but I get a fucking Dear John letter! How fucked up is that?" Piper stood up quickly and felt dizzy straight away.
"Hey, you might want to sit down kiddo." Pete offered as he rose to help her steady herself. She pushed past him and ran to the kitchen sink to throw up.
"Well, that's probably done you good to be fair. Get the booze out and all that. Pity to waste it, but it looks like cheap stuff anyway." Polly pulled her hair back from her face and rubbed her back.
Piper kept hunched over the sink but didn't heave anymore. Her shoulders shook a little and she started to sniff. "She's left me Pol. Had enough of dealing with my shit and bailed out."
Polly didn't answer, just carried on soothing her back.
"Why didn't she say goodbye? I don't understand why she couldn't come and see me." Piper was sobbing now, her face wet with tears and her sniffing couldn't give her the air to breathe as well as hold the snot in.
"Would you have let her go if she did?"
"No! No fucking way would I have let her go!"
"Well, maybe there's your answer. She must have known that and maybe thought it best not to put you both through that."
"I think I put the idea into her head. I tried to break up with her at the weekend and she wouldn't have it."
"Oh…..OK…..Well, maybe this is sort of what you wanted?" Polly offered cautiously.
"You'd think so wouldn't you?" When Piper didn't furnish any further explanation, Polly followed up with what she thought was a fair question.
"Why would you try to break up with her if you didn't actually want to break up Piper?"
Piper wiped her face with her hand and sniffed, clearing hair from her eyes as she stood to face Polly.
"Because I thought it was the right thing to do."
"What does that mean?" Polly's brow was more furrowed than Iowa in grain planting season.
"I was giving her whiplash. One minute I'd be crying on her shoulder, the next I'd be screaming at her for trying to help me. I can't be walking on eggshells around people at the moment. I feel crappy enough without every other conversation being an apology from me for something I've said or done."
"I still don't get why you thought breaking up was the solution? Hasn't Alex been there for you when you've needed her?"
"Where is she now then Polly?! The court date is this week and don't you think I might have needed her this week with all this hanging over me?" Piper's voice was strained and slightly raised now.
"I do. Absolutely she should be here as your girlfriend, friend, whatever and it's massively fucking lame that she sent you a letter instead of womaning the Hell up to talk to you in person. But this is AFTER you tried to break up with her and I'm trying to understand why you think you have to walk on eggshells around Alex?...Has she said something to you?"
"No….nothing like that. She….thinks she's smothering me I guess."
"Is she?"
"Yes." Piper shrugged.
"How? By hauling a massive Christmas tree into your house and decorating it for you when you can barely stand? By picking you up from your Mother's house when she knows fine well she'd be shot if they saw her there? By bringing you back to consciousness when you passed out at New Year? By sleeping on your sofa for 2 weeks and getting your groceries and dirty laundry sorted out when you were bed ridden? Is that what she thinks is smothering you?" Polly's eyebrows were permanently lodged into her fringe now. Piper didn't reply and Polly pressed further, with caution.
"Or is that what you think is smothering you?"
"You're over simplifying things now. You don't know the whole story."
"I know, I know. There's always way more to the story where you two are concerned and maybe you don't want to talk about it. And that's fine, really. I'm just trying to see this from both sides you know…..Alex came to see me on Friday."
"Yeah, to tell you she was dumping me."
"Well, yes. But after I exploded like a volcano and slapped her.._"
"You SLAPPED her?! What the fuck Pol?!"
"Hey, she was bailing on my best friend in a letter. Of course I was going to read her the riot act. She was a wreck Piper. The fact that she came to see me before she went anywhere to make me promise to look out for you, well I just got the distinct feeling she didn't want to break up with you either. I'm assuming that she thinks it is what you wanted and she was trying to do the right thing – even though it's breaking both of your hearts here."
Piper turned and put her head against Polly's chest as she sobbed as a new thought suddenly dawned on her.
"What if I never see her again Polly?!"
"Shhh, hey now. She's got an apartment and a head office here. Besides any of that, you two couldn't keep apart if your lives depended on it. There's some fucking mystic lesbian elastic between you I swear it" Polly kissed the top of her head.
"What if I've pushed her too far this time and it's snapped Pol?"
"That's the whole point of elastic, after the push comes the pull."
XXXXX
Alex woke up from a very restless sleep, checking the time to see it was nearly 7am. She knew that Piper would have read her letter by now and her stomach turned thinking about what her reaction might have been. It was inevitable that she would feel like this, the guilt washing over her like a wave of nausea every time she thought about the blonde. She had always resented the ease with which Piper had seemed to leave her in Paris all those years ago, a constant jealousy over how easy the separation had been for her lover. Her memory recalled it vividly as a stoney-faced reaction to Alex begging her not to leave her, Piper looking her in the eye before turning and pulling her case out of the door without looking back. It had been a toxic set of emotions to be left with, not knowing if she might change her mind and come back and for how long to maintain those hopes before actually starting to grieve for the loss she had been feeling all along. Alex saw now that she was on the other side of that decision how fucking painful it would have been for Piper to do it back then and how much braver the blonde had been to actually say goodbye to her face and leave. Not taking the cowardly way out by pushing an apologetic letter under the door when you knew she would be out.
On Thursday afternoon, after her meeting with Red, Alex had dropped Lorna back at the office before attending an appointment of her own. Lorna's words about their love being inevitable and her seeing Alex's constant fear about Piper disappearing had brought it home that if other people could see her clinging onto the blonde, then her girlfriend must be feeling in 10 times more. It wasn't that she was needy or clingy in fact. It was the guilt over not being able to protect her when she went to prison and when she was attacked by Darryl. She never should have ended up in prison and Alex would never forgive herself for naming her. But her punk ass Lawyer had been so poor acting on her behalf that she got the worst possible outcome and they made an example of her. She wanted to protect her, to care for her and look after her. It could never make up for what she had done to put Piper behind bars in the first place, but Alex was making it up to her girlfriend in the only ways she could understand. Those ways were clearly not what her blue-eyed lover needed from her. So, she sought guidance from a professional and parked up outside the Queensboro offices of the rape counselling company Piper was using at the moment. She had explained on the phone that she was the girlfriend of a current client and wanted some counselling herself. They agreed it would be better if she spoke to someone different in order that the case wasn't discussed at all in relation to Piper's notes. She made an appointment to speak with Julie's business partner, Melanie Combs and went up in the elevator to see her.
It was good to be able to talk to someone about what Piper had been through and how they were dealing with it as a couple. It was also the first time Alex had actually been able to talk about her own feelings, without really trying to put herself in the background and pushing them down to be the supportive girlfriend she felt she was supposed to be at all times. It would be selfish to even think of discussing her feelings with Piper – after all, she wasn't the victim in any of this. Nobody else knew what the pair were dealing with in terms of the rape and their own relationship issues that were borne from that and it was good to get some reassurance that she wasn't being a completely selfish bitch in this. Melanie gave her some different angles to consider how her actions might be perceived by Piper as a victim of sexual assault and what might be going on in Piper's head when she was reacting to Alex. It opened a whole new world of understanding to her and she felt bad for holding on to her so tightly in the circumstances and not seeking support sooner. It seemed like it was a perfectly normal reaction for sexual assault victims to need space and to be fiercely independent in their decisions, even if it wasn't in their nature previously, as it gave them a sense of control. The temper wasn't necessarily a symptom of the assault, but everyone responds differently and the space helps with that. Alex didn't go into details about their sex life, it wasn't important right now and because the early part of the meeting made it clear to her that her need to control was the last thing Piper needed to be around now. She left the meeting with a niggling feeling that the thing she had dreaded happening most, losing Piper, would have to happen. If you love someone, set them free. If you were meant to be, they'd return or something like that. That was the saying, right?
XXXXX
Pete and Polly stayed for the rest of the evening at Piper's, ordering take out and sharing a bottle of wine. Pete really took Piper's mind off things for a while and had her laughing a little at some of the stories of him growing up in Australia with his brothers. As the evening wore on and Pete excused himself to go to the little boys room, Polly sat next to Piper and patted her knee gently.
"Do you swear to me that you're not going to get another bottle of vodka after we leave here tonight?"
"Yes… I won't go and buy one tonight. I promise."
"Good. Because, don't forget, Pete will be here at 6:30 sharp to go running with you. So help me if you aren't in your running shoes and lycra when he knocks on your door young lady…" Polly's warning was stern, but friendly and she had checked all of the cupboards in case there was any more hard liquor stashed away.
"I'm sure he was just being nice. He honestly doesn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to see my pathetic attempt at exercise. I probably won't be able to go very far you know. He'll be bored stiff."
"I wouldn't worry about that. My little dynamo will be at the gym later anyway, he has a LOT of energy don't you babe?" Polly grinned as Pete returned and she kissed him on the cheek.
"You bet your ass I do." Pete slapped Polly's ass as they made their way to the door.
"Are you sure you're going to be OK? Text me goodnight will you?"
"I'm sure, and I will. Thanks." Piper closed the door behind them and looked around her front room. It was already late and as much as she had the urge to just have a glass to take her into a deep sleep, she remembered that Polly had cleared her out and she'd have to walk to the liquor store in the rain anyway. Sighing, she picked up her phone and plugged it in. It was out of battery and she couldn't help but hope there was a message from Alex when it beeped back into life a few minutes later. Jumping up, she saw 4 new texts and opened them quickly. One from Steve, saying he'd be in the city on Tuesday for the initial hearing at the court. Piper flicked past it, not wanting to think of that right now. Two from Polly yesterday, trying to find out why the store was closed. The final message was from Nicky, asking how she was. That meant Alex had told Nicky as well. Apparently the only fucking person not getting the heads up in person was her and she flicked to her last text exchange with Alex – a whole set of messages from Piper without reply about meeting up for lunch or dinner on Friday. Piper scoffed at her desperate pleas, which would have been sent when all the while the Dear John was lying on her door mat at home. She typed out a new one.
'Fuck you Alex.' Hitting send, she headed to the bathroom and turned the shower on, wanting to wash the whole sorry weekend away down the drain.
XXXXX
As promised, Pete was knocking on the front door at 6:30 the following morning and Piper opened it wearing her running gear.
"Good morning sunshine! You look better than yesterday champ!" Pete grinned as she closed the door behind her.
"I feel better, thanks. Are we starting with a brisk walk to warm up then Mr Motivator?"
"Sounds like a plan. I'll follow your lead m'lady." Pete bowed and they started to walk quickly towards the park, Piper holding her water bottle in one hand and setting her fitness app to record their progress with the other.
On reaching the park, they paused to do some stretches at a bench and Piper looked at the bright morning sun bursting through the trees.
"You know, I'd forgotten how good it feels to get out here at this time in the morning when it's quiet."
"I can take it or leave it to be honest. As long as I'm getting pumped, it doesn't matter where I am." Pete shrugged and he leaned down to stretch his hamstrings.
"I've always loved being outside. The solitude of running your worries away always starts my day off right. It's been months since I've been out here like this. I just hope I can keep up with you. Be gentle with me OK?" Piper smiled as they started to jog at a gentle pace. Her ribs weren't giving her as much pain as she had anticipated, so she started to relax into her stride a little. Half way around the first lap, she opened her legs more and started to pick up the pace a little so it was more akin to running. Pete turned and grinned at her as she gritted her teeth.
"Don't push it too much on day 1 champ or you'll be sore in the morning and won't be able to play out again."
"You want to go again tomorrow?" Piper furrowed her brow.
"Yeah, we're running partners now aren't we? You aren't going to drop me after our first running date are you?"
Piper laughed. "If you want to?"
"Yeah, it'd be cool to have a pair of sexy legs to chase down." He winked as he pressed the pace a little more as they neared the end of the last lap before warming down.
XXXXX
Piper was showered and changed and in the store for 8am on Monday morning, slightly before Polly arrived.
"Well, well. Looks like you survived Pete's training session. How was it?" Polly handed her a latte before taking her coat off.
"Fantastic actually. It was so nice to get out and work off some steam you know?"
"Well, I don't actually. I've never seen the interest in making yourself hot and sweaty if there wasn't an orgasm at the end of it. But, good for you. Just make sure you don't wear my man out so I'm still getting my morning workout too." Polly grinned at Piper rolling her eyes.
"We're going again tomorrow. If that fits with your 'workout' plans?"
"Did you just use air quotes?"
"It was part of my work out routine."
"You're not wearing lycra. Speaking of which, no sexy workout clothes when you're running with Pete."
"Afraid I might switch teams?" Piper raised her eyebrows.
"As if. You're Team Supercunt all the way." Polly immediately noticed Piper's smile fall from the banter they had been enjoying. "Shit, sorry P. I didn't mean to bring her up….."
"It's OK. It's not like she died or anything." Piper shrugged before heading to the door and opening up for the day.
"What time are our work experience newbies coming in?" Piper shouted over her shoulder.
"I don't know. Some time today though. Do you think they'll just turn up?"
"Nicky's taking care of it."
"Oh, I didn't know that."
"It was in Alex's letter." Piper said softly before heading out to the stock room door to get some air. She checked her phone to see if any reply had come through from Alex and there was nothing. She clicked her phone shut and came back inside after a few minutes, talking to Polly about what they were going to put into this business plan for their new marketing strategy.
XXXXX
At 10am, Nicky came in followed by two girls in their early 20's. One of the had braided blonde hair and a neck tattoo, walking with a bit of swagger as she came in behind Nicky. Piper eyed her cautiously, concerned about the image a girl with such an obvious tattoo working in their artisanal soap store might create. It was fine, she'd just make sure the rough looking girl was working in the back all day. The other girl seemed about the same age, but much more shy.
"Morning ladies! I believe you have been expecting us? I bring you workforce troops in the form of Tricia here with the striking cornrows and Brooke, who will talk to you eventually I promise."
"Hey. I'm Polly, and this is Piper." Polly replied simply when she saw Piper was too busy assessing the characters before them.
"Cool place you got here." Tricia smiled nervously as she tried to make some eye contact.
"It is. Let's keep it that way too." Piper said coolly.
"OK. Piper and Polly here own this cool place and they are very good friends of mine, so if you fuck anything up, they will be right on the blower to me. You hear?"
"We hear." Brooke rolled her eyes and Piper noticed immediately.
"Do you have any experience of shop work either of you?" Piper asked nervously.
Brooke snorted. "No. I've never been forced to work so closely with the consumerist society."
Piper narrowed her eyes and was quick to reply. "I find that hard to believe. Since you're wearing H&M clothes and Nike trainers, rather than footwear fashioned from dried reeds."
"Well I've spent a lot of time in shops yo, so I'm ready to go." Tricia clapped her hands together and tried to come across as confident.
"OK, good. Well, I'll let Polly talk you through how things work around here and I'll just have a word with Nicky in the back for a second."
Piper nodded for Nicky to join her in the back office and closed the door over as they both got inside.
"What the fuck Nicky?! That's not exactly the brand image we're trying to promote here you know. Fucking neck tattoos for God's sake?!" She whisper shouted at the woman standing before her.
"Hmmm, Alex said you might have a problem with that…" She ran her hands into her wiry hair and shook it a little as though trying to settle it down.
"I don't give a flying fuck what Alex said. Alex – as everybody in New York seems to already know – is not even fucking here!"
"Look, it's just for 2 weeks alright? Then they will be working with us at our place. We just aren't ready with the office space yet and Lorna's trying to work inside a building site at the moment so we can get things finished sooner."
"I don't care. Just tell them to go home and give them a later start date. I'm not having some pompous bitch who thinks she's above working in a shop….well, working in MY shop."
"Brooke will settle down. She's just new to erm….customer services. Put her in the stock room if you don't want her…interacting with the soap sniffing fraternity."
"I can't because I've got to put tattoo girl in there!" Piper stood with her arms folded across her chest.
"You mean Tricia. That's her name. Sorry blondie, but that's your problem to deal with. You've got 2 grunt workers for 2 weeks, for free. I'm sure that pretty lady brain of yours will think of something." Nicky punched her gently on the arm.
"Fucking Hell! Fine. I'll sort something out. But you owe me." Piper pointed a half threatening finger towards Nicky as she opened the door and walked back to find Polly showing the girls around the store. Nicky called her back before she could go though.
"Hey. Um….Alex said you might want a hand to look after the store tomorrow?"
"What?" Piper was confused why she would ask that.
"With the court appearance and everything. She didn't know if Polly wanted to be with you and you might want someone to hold the fort here….Look, it was just a suggestion. If you've got it covered it's fine. Forget I asked" Nicky held her hands up.
"Shit. I'd forgotten about the store. No, it's OK. Polly will be here. I'll be fine. Thanks though, for asking, Nicky." Piper smiled weakly.
"How are you?" Nicky ventured.
"Shitty."
"I guessed as much. Hang in there blondie. Things have a habit of working out in the end." Nicky pulled her into a gentle side hug.
"Will they? I don't believe that anymore. I just…..can't believe she left me Nic." Piper sighed as Nicky gripped her a little tighter.
"I know, it sucks." No other words were needed and Nicky pulled Piper's head to her shoulder.