Title: So It Goes
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.
This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.
As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.
This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.
A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.
Erin glance at Ethan as he hobbled up to her and gave her a playful nudge. She'd heard him coming. It wasn't like Eth went much of anywhere quietly on his crutches. And she'd choose to ignore him. She figured he was coming over – or being sent over by Jay – to tell her she was taking too long and to hurry it up. But she planned on ignoring that too. She'd had such a boy day that she thought both of them could deal with letting her look around the little farmer's market and knick-knack stand at all the gaudy "authentic" Florida items and even gaudier "antiques" with ridiculous price tags for the rusting pieces of junk. Not that that was stopping her from slowly taking in each and every item. That's the way you had to treat these places. Recognance mission. You never knew where or when you were going to find something of value. Or at least something that would look great on a bookshelf – no matter how much Jay disagreed about the things she brought home to put on their shelving units. He just had a problem with decorating period. But motorcycles and photographs for the sky and sand in Afghanistan didn't really amount to her definition of "decorating" (or "photography" for that matter) either.
The look she gave Eth was a little warning but he just grinned at her. "That lady at the front didn't like me lookin' at the chickens," he told her. "She told me not to harass them."
Erin raised her eyebrow at him. "Were you harassing them?" she put to him directly.
"No," he said defensively. "I was just looking. I think she thought I was like eight and you left me alone or something. She told me to stay with my parents. I told her I couldn't since Mom's dead and Dad's in Chicago."
Erin glanced over at her shoulder at that to the woman who was still clearly gawking at them – and her phone. "Nice, Ethan. Now she's likely checking for Amber Alerts."
He just shrugged. "I don't think she knows what dead means or where Chicago is because she already told Jay off for 'leaving your son unattended.'"
"Mmm …," Erin acknowledged with an eye roll. It was more likely that she thought Ethan was being obnoxious since he'd obviously come in with them. But the women was poking at a bull if she was going to give Jay attitude. She cast her eyes over to Jay a bit. He was examining something at his own table. "And did he tell her off too?" Because that was Jay.
But Ethan only shrugged again. "She got glared at and he told me really sarcastically to 'go to your mother'. I assume he meant you."
Erin gave her head a little shake and gave the woman another look. She was still watching them carefully. Maybe too carefully. She was likely reassessing the situation. But she could mind her own business.
"Am I going to be able to buy this now?" she put to Ethan, flashing the little jar she'd been examining the ingredients on. "Or are we about to get kicked out?"
Eth just shrugged again. He clearly didn't feel any urgency about appeasing the women and getting the hell out of there. Likely rightfully so. They weren't doing anything wrong. "Jay says we should be good patrons and buy something since I'm harassing their livestock." Erin made a mildly amused noise at that and he must've heard or sensed it because he looked up at gave her a wryly grin. "So he's gonna buy some alligator jerky."
"Alligator jerky?" Erin raised her eyebrow and looked back to Jay and his examination of the contents of the crates he was at.
"Yea …," Ethan smiled. "Awesome, right?"
Erin shook her head. "I don't think so."
"Why not? It's not that weird. They raise them here. Like on farms. It's not like one out of a ditch," he argued.
"It's alligator," she nodded at him.
"Jay's eaten way weirder stuff then alligator," Ethan provided.
"Is that so?" she asked, again raising her eyebrow and casting a little glance at her fiancée.
"Yea …," Ethan nodded with way too much enthusiasm. "Like goat and camel and emu and all different kinds of game meat. Like moose and boar and venison and even beaver."
Erin grinned a little bit at that. Mildly disgusted but also wondering how much Jay was teasing Ethan with that inclusion – especially for it to be dangling at the end of the list. Much like Jay's assertion that he could "go for tacos" or was "down for smoked trout." Both phrases she was trying to beat from his vocabulary.
"He's gonna get some and we can all try it," Ethan added excitedly.
"You want to try it, you try it," Erin allowed. "I'm not."
"It's just gator," Ethan said.
Erin shrugged. She was sure she'd be told it "tasted like chicken" but she still had no interest.
Ethan huffed his disapproval about her lack of adventurous taste buds. "Fine. He also wants to know if you want a smoothie? They're just fruit and ice. You can get milk in it if you want. I'm getting grapefruit."
"Are you?" Erin raised an eyebrow at him.
"Yea …" he said with yet another shrug.
"You think you're going to like that?" she put to him.
"Yea …," he allowed again.
She allowed a little nod. She supposed it wasn't her money or her problem if he took one sip and decided it was way too sour for him. And besides, when she'd seen the sign on the walk in advertising their so-called smoothies, with key lime listed as one, she'd known that they weren't likely going to get out of there without Jay having bought one for himself. He'd been talking about the necessity of eating key lime pie all day. In fact, he'd been on the look-out for a farm-stand along the backroad he'd picked to get them back into Orlando to pick up a whole fucking pie. This place had pecan – but not key lime. So, it'd been pretty apparently from the get that he was going to settle for a smoothie – for now. She was pretty sure that their trip to Florida wasn't going to be able to end without him getting "authentic" key lime pie. She thought that might be asking for a little much considering they were staying at the Universal Resort. But they could all have their vacation dreams.
'Strawberry', she mouthed at him. She didn't even need to say it out loud. She probably didn't even need to say it at all. She likely just needed to give him a nod in the affirmative that she wanted one. He would've known what flavor she wanted of the limited options on the list. He was good like that. Too good. He was on a very short list of people who'd ever taken much interest in knowing her likes and dislikes. Of getting to know her period.
But he still gave her a little smile at the mouthed word and gave his own little nod, putting down whatever he was looking at and saying something to the woman who was still keeping watch over them. But she acknowledged whatever it was he'd said and walked over to the little snack stand off to the side, Jay taking his time to trail after her and digging out a couple bills out of his back pocket to pay for their snack – and their apparent peace offering to this bitch.
Because she was pretty sure that Jay would've been OK continuing to keep an eye out at the the varius citrus stands for a sign promoting key lime pie. But the woman being a bitch to Eth had apparently earned her a sale. Or Jay had actually seen Eth harassing the chickens and was making a real peace offering. But Erin didn't really believe Ethan would bother any animals that much or that Jay would've let it continue if he'd see it going on.
"Guess you don't need to buy it," Ethan told her.
Erin looked back to him and gave her own little shrug. "I think I might get it anyway. What you think? For Dad?"
Ethan looked up at her. There was quiet surprise and happiness in his eyes. But she'd seen that lot that day. She'd actually seen it in Jay's too. He'd clearly been having a bit of his little boy moment. Or maybe grown-man bucket list moment by getting to explore a little boy fantasy and obsession.
Their plan for a quiet day hadn't really worked out. It'd been quieter than the day before. Or at least a different type of busy. Less exhausting but more exhausting in its own right. They'd have to strive for better the next day or they'd be screwed for their Galactic Night. But at least the guys had gotten a Galactic Day.
Eth was so screwed up with the time difference and just habit of when his dad got him up on school days and with his medication. Now it showing 6 a.m. on his watch was 5 a.m. there – on fucking vacation! – and he was still getting up. There'd been no sleeping in like Erin had hoped for. But she supposed even though she liked sleeping in, she wasn't exactly great at it either. Not when she was on the straight and narrow. Not when she was sober. And Jay didn't seem to have a clue what sleeping in was.
He complained about how loud Hank was on the mornings they did end up sleeping over at his house – which really wasn't often anymore, since there really wasn't ever a reason to. Not with how close the townhouse was. But Jay was just as much of an early riser as Hank and wasn't exactly quiet either.
He was always banging around in the kitchen on weekends too – which Erin could only complain about so much, because it usually involved him making her breakfast. And if he wasn't doing that, he didn't seem to know how to leave the house quietly. He seemed to insist on going out for this run through the garage and no matter how many times she could him how fucking loud the garage door was and how it near made their whole bedroom shake – and thus likely the whole fucking house – he still went out that way for his run.
She was pretty sure it was his way of prodding her awake. That him leaving was her warning to start waking up – and not wasting the day – and him coming back in through the garage and them up the stairs and using the shower in their bathroom suite was her final countdown. If he made it to the shower. Sometimes he crawled back into bed all gross and sweaty – but Jay and exercise … and adding in him smelling so much like men, even if it was sort of sweaty and … gross. It wasn't gross enough that she pushed him away to get another ten or fifteen minutes more sleep every day of the week. He clearly had some then a few methods behind his madness.
That morning, though, Jay hadn't gotten out for a run or a swim or down to the resort gym – despite him stating repeatedly in the lead up to the trip that he was going to keep up his exercise routine, especially since he fully intended to make some disgusting choices on menus and vacation-level drinking on his holiday. None of that was particularly working out, though, yet. Beyond their lunch in Jurassic Park – which overall was relatively healthy given some of the other food options they were seeing all around them – they hadn't eaten out yet. Despite the pool-side bar with all sorts of vacation drinks to let you pretend you were somewhere far more exotic than Universal Orlando, they'd had yet to indulge there either. Not that either of them were really fruity, girlie, vacation mixed cocktails people anyway. And, despite their being running trails all over the resort, two pools just at their hotel and a HUGE gym with more machines and equipment than any kind of gym membership they could afford back home in Chicago – neither of them had done anything that had remotely resembled their usual fitness and exercise routine. And Erin was sure that people would bust their balls about that when they got back too. But she also thought they were likely doing enough walking and standing in a day that they were at least putting in good mileage and burning some calories, even if they weren't exactly doing cardio or strength training. There was some strength training involved with Eth anyway. She swore Ethan came with more gear than Henry. Yet another way they'd be baby ready in the future.
It'd been Ethan, though, who'd been up at the crack of dawn that morning and raring to go. Her and Jay had still been in bed. She'd been sleeping. She got the sense that Jay was awake but had just been laying there. So it'd been him who'd gotten up to help Eth with his pills and to make sure he had some food in his belly with them. And at that point, it was pretty clear that neither of them were going to get back into bed. And it was even more clear that they weren't going to tolerate sitting in the little living space while she tried to get another hour or two sleep either. And even if they had – she wasn't going to get back to sleep either. They were being too fucking loud in their. And it was pretty clear that Eth wasn't loving the quieter day ideas that Jay was floating at him – namely a pool day and mini golf.
She really should've gotten out of bed sooner. She should've gone into the living room when she heard them talking and knew Ethan was trying to negotiate an eventful day – not a down day that with the way he'd crashed in the afternoon and when they'd gotten home in the evening, while still talking to his dad on FaceTime. But by the time she did go out there, Ethan had been all smiles in declaring that they were going to the Space Center that day. She'd stared at Jay but he'd only shrugged at her. She'd tried to offer some alternatives. Ones close by. Ones that would likely only be a half day at most. She'd put forward one of the water parks. She'd put forward fucking Gatorland. She'd put forward doing multiple mini golfs – off-site. She'd even offered up going down to the fucking bowling alley in the hotel.
But, it was too late. The decision had been made. And she was just going to have to trust Jay's assessment of Ethan's health, ability and energy level that morning. And tell herself that if he crashed bad mid-day – or worse, if this day was way too energetic before their fucking Galatic Night excursion the next day – that it was Jay who'd have to pay for it. He literally already had. So if Eth wasn't well enough to handle what they had on the go tomorrow – it'd be Jay's loss and Jay's problem.
As Ethan showered and dressed, Jay tried to assure her that it wouldn't be that bad. That he wasn't going to try to turn it into a beach day or go over and do the wildlife drive at the state preserve near the Space Center. That they were just going to do the Space Center. He even spouted off a willingness to leave after lunch. That they'd be back to the hotel by early afternoon to have some down-time and quiet for the rest of the day.
She absolutely knew that that was not the way it was going to work out. Even if it was the fucking Space Center and not a theme park. But with the way Jay was looking at her – little boy, excited eyes that weren't that unlike the ones Ethan had had the day before for his dinosaurs – she hadn't been able to burst that bubble. So she'd just shrugged her agreement at his supposed plan and schedule.
As expected, the day didn't exactly go as planned or on schedule. But it'd still been a nice day.
She'd gotten to see her little brother light up as they drove across the causeway and he got his first look at "the ocean", firmly declaring that it didn't look that big or great compared to the lake back home. His tone changed when they spotted either dolphins or porpoises jumping through the surf. It'd changed more when he spotted the pelicans gathering on the rocks. And he'd quieted right down as they drove the last stretch up to the Visitor Complex's entrance and they started spotting alligators in the mucky ditches along the way. Slowing down the car to take a look and bringing it to a full stop – like complete fucking tourists – taking pictures out the windows and staring at the things.
And all that was before they even got to the place. Getting there had just … she didn't even know where to start in describing it. Or really, the looks on both Jay's and Ethan's faces from about the moment they got out of their rental. And whatever happened that day – whether they had to cut it short, or whether Eth couldn't really handle it, or even if it completely bored her out of her fucking mind – it was going to have been worth enduring it to see the looks on both of their faces. Not just her little brother's – but Jay's.
They'd headed straight for the bus tour of the site after they got inside. The place's map had claimed it was a forty-five minute tour. That was a complete lie. They'd spent their whole morning out on it – getting off at the couple stops, which really couldn't be called stops. They weren't just viewing sites for a quick photo-op, they were complete museums. They were standing in front of the Vehicle Assembly Building that was too big to even fully comprehend. But that hadn't stopped her crippled little brother from laying flat on the ground in an attempt to get a picture of her and Jay and the giant building with its giant flag in the background. And he'd actually done a decent job. Ethan clearly didn't get his photography skills from Hank and that said something considering her brother's tremor.
They'd gaped at the old space shuttle transporter crawler which again just put the sheer size of the things into perspective. They'd gotten to climb up (very slowly but deliberately on Eth's part) an old launch gantry and gaze through telescopes that were now directed at the SpaceX launch pads. And she got to hear both the boys whine about how amazing it would've been to be there for a launch day. Though, some Googling had quickly shown that there wasn't – unfortunately … fortunately – going to need to be a return trip on that trip for that event. But, it generated chatter about the necessity of coming back down to see one when the manned missions started again.
But the real treat had been when they arrived at the Apollo-Saturn V Center way out from the Visitor Complex. And if they hadn't lied about the 45-minute tour before that stop – it was where their pants were set on fire. Even Erin had been impressed.
You entered through a launch simulation in mission control and Jay had just been glowing watching it – like Eth with his dinosaurs. Maybe more. They then got released into another massive building with the Saturn V hanging from the rafters, floating above them.
It was basically like being in a museum after that. Lots of little exhibit halls. And Jay and Ethan had wanted to go through each and every one. Slowly. But Jay had held casually at her hand for much of it. He'd occasionally squeeze it while he pointed something out that had clearly excited him. Moon rock – that they could actually touch. The moon rover. The man that transported "the actual Apollo astronauts" to the launch pad. Allan Shepard's space suit still covered in moon dust. Space capsules and sky labs and living quarters and medals and artifacts – most of which Erin didn't know what they were. But she still stood next to him as he experienced it. And she listened as Jay so patiently helped her baby brother read the information panels in the low light and dispensing information from all his documentary viewing like he was actually some kind of rocket scientist. If Jay were the crying type, she was pretty sure he might've shed a tear or down in the multimedia presentation at the end of the exhibit hall, recreating the lunar landing and encouraging those in the room to push toward the future and the stars – to serve their community and their country and all of humanity in the challenges that were before them.
She was pretty sure that neither Jay or Ethan were quite ready to leave that spot. In fact, she was pretty sure that they both could've likely spent the rest of the day just wandering around that building and its gift shops – completely missing everything else the Visitor Complex had to offer after this 45-minute bus tour that was far closer to four hours as far as Erin could tell.
So she'd let them stay. A bit longer. She'd herded them out to the little patio and picnic area and unpacked the sandwiches and lettuce wraps and the chopped up chicken breast and avocado and apple that she'd mixed together quickly as a lunch. With the option of crackers and cheese on the side. With only some fruit for dessert – because she wasn't letting Eth eat one of the granola bars when she knew he'd want one later in the day with his afternoon pills if they weren't back to the hotel yet. The big option to wash it all down was tap water they'd brought with them. And they'd just sat eating and looking across the water into the distance where the specks of the launch pads could be seen still towering above the flat landscape.
There hadn't been a peep of complaint out of Ethan about this taking too long or being too museum-like for vacation. Or that he'd rather be doing something else – something that was at the top of his list and not someone else's. He hadn't complained that all the other people sitting around them had gotten food at the fast food counter inside. That they were eating hot dogs and ice cream and pizza while their meal was from the grocery store and slapped together in the hotel suite that morning only to be carried around at the bottom of a backpack for the past four hours.
Instead, while gazing at the water and speculating about what the fishing would be like in that kind of environment (which Erin didn't know, but knew that Camille would've loved the question and would've known right off the top of her head what they could pull out of the water there), he'd offered the quiet observation that he liked picnics. That he liked in the summer when his dad came home from work and they packed up dinner and went down to the lake to cast their lines until dusk. That one of his favorite parts of camping and fishing with Hank was the picnics and the campfire food. That he was "so happy" he got expelled and got to come home -because he loved those couple hour week-day trips down to the lake and he loved the camping and he loved the fishing. And the underlying, unspoken statement was that he loved his dad. And he loved spending time with him and having his father be a part of his life and want to be a part of his. And within that statement what Ethan was really saying was that he loved a person, and activities, that his mom had loved dearly too.
And Erin had her own quiet, unspoken observation then too. That somehow for all Hank's flaws and his less than personable personality – he'd found people who wanted to be around him. He'd found someone who loved him and they'd made a family that cared about him too. That he cared about deeply – almost feverishly, to the point that he'd done some insane things. Things that had nearly pulled them all apart. But somehow he'd still managed to keep them together and keep them near him and for them to still care about him and love him too. For all his flaws and faults and indiscretions. That it likely hadn't been easy for Camille with him even as kids but there was something in him that had been worth sacrificing for. And, they both had made sacrifices. But that just by living within their means and having a quiet, middle-class life – not striving to do anything too fancy and not going out of their way to give their kids everything. By just giving them enough. Enough of them. Enough of their time. Enough that they were taken care of and loved and wanted – and they knew those things even on the days any of them particularly hated Hank or Camille … mom and dad. Enough that there were treats and traditions and little moments to look forward to and little surprises throughout the year and some spoiling on occasion … when they could or because they could … or maybe because they'd earned it or were being rewarded or had reached some predefined right of passage in that home in family. But it was all geared toward shaping them and trying to make them better people. To give them an education and thoughts and interests and minds of their own – even if all three of them had more than enough minds of their own to go around, which was undoubtedly a giant pain in Hank and Camille's asses.
But they'd all received the opportunity to have a life that had experiences within it. That they'd managed to give them a hell of a lot. Maybe they were three times lucky. Maybe Justin had been too much the center of their universe as an only child for too long. Maybe she'd come to them too damaged by her years with Bunny. But they'd managed to produce this down-to-Earth little boy. Ethan despite – or maybe in spite – of all his challenges.
It was something that really seemed to sink in while they were sitting their next to a museum about space and the stars. Their minds off on different planets. And Erin hoped that she could manage as much for children of her own. That they'd be as good … as nice … as smart … as humble as her little brother. That maybe she really did hope that for all her faults and flaws and less than personable personality – she'd be loved enough by Jay and by the family they made that they'd be able to stick it out on that planet together through all the fucking ups and downs that got thrown at them. That there'd be enough in each other and in anyone they added to their family that the love and the care was more than worth sacrificing for. That maybe it'd make them a little feverish with insanity at times too. But when there were people like that in your life – maybe you were meant to do insane things to keep them close. To not let go.
After they'd eaten they'd re-boarded the bus to head back to the Visitor Complex. Eth was sitting across the aisle from them and Jay had quietly told her that he'd be fine just heading back to the car when they got back and going back into Orlando. But they hadn't had a chance to talk about it – because the route back ended up being their wildlife drive and Ethan was bouncing back and forth between his seat and theirs. At one point, she near had her thirteen-year-old brother propped halfway in her lap as he tried to wedge himself between them and lean over to look out the window and at the bald eagles and their giant nest and an ARMADILLO on their side. Only for him to stumble back to his side of the bus when some more alligators and wild boars. And a bobcat – which had been enough for her and Jay to pull themselves out of their seats and move over to his to take their own look at the rare daytime sighting.
The only whine of the day from Ethan had come when they'd gotten off the bus and told him they were heading to the car – because it was a 'quiet day' and they weren't going to wear him out. He'd begged and begged to see one of the IMAX shows. They'd relented. Because – really – it wasn't a high impact activity. And they'd placed the caveat on it that if they were going to see an IMAX movie there, Ethan wouldn't be putting in anymore requests to go over to one of the IMAX theaters on the resort – because seeing those kinds of movies was something they could do at home. And she felt like such a nagging mom saying it. But he'd wholeheartedly agreed. And again sat in wide-eyed wonder as 3D images picked up by the Hubble telescope were played out before their eyes for 45 minutes.
They'd been slow leaving the theater because you exited through a gallery of more Hubble images and an exhibit, including a scale model of the telescope. It'd been even slower after that as they wandered down, down, down a spiral ramp projecting images on a sphere of the Earth and listing the names of every astronaut on ever mission so far. Jay had taken a long time coming down the ramp – running his hands over the names and the mission numbers. He pointed out a few to her and muttered some memories of heroes and names and missions from his childhood. How he'd looked up through telescopes with his grandfather at the cabin and tried to catch glimpses of the space station or satellites while they went by. How big the starry sky seemed out there in the wilderness and how small it made you feel looking up at it. And somehow it hurt Erin him saying that because she got the sense that a lot of Jay's childhood he'd felt very small and insignificant. And that his grandfather – the person, or touchstone, that Jay seemed to consistently use in sharing any of his childhood memories with her – was likely trying to help and distract him but maybe had made him feel a little more alone in the process. Inadvertently.
He'd stopped for a long time at the plaques for the Challenger and the Columbia's lost crews. He'd leaned there, gazing at the sphere of Earth, with his hands clasped next to their names and missions. Clearly paying his own quiet respects while she nudged Ethan along to give Jay some privacy even though it felt like a moment that maybe she should be going and holding his hand – more so than when he'd held at it in their quiet perusal of the museum exhibits on the causeway.
They did manage to start in the general direction of the exit at that point – but stalled when one of the day's presentations by an astronaut was just letting in. It'd been Jay who'd given her a hopeful look that time. And she couldn't manage a no. Besides, it was another low-key sitting activity that she didn't think would take too much out of Ethan. Unfortunately, it'd been an astronaut who'd been on one of the Atlantis missions and he'd been sure to point them all in the direction of the building housing the last shuttle that had launched from the Kennedy Space Center. Then it'd been Jay and Ethan both looking at her with those big puppy dog eyes. And, she knew she was likely going to be screwed as a parent in situations like this. Because if the kids got eyes anything like Jay's or even if they just mastered that look of his, she was going to be in trouble.
So they'd wandered through the rocket garden, which she knew Hank likely would've loved too. He probably would've liked this day. He actually probably would've liked the whole trip, even though he toted that theme parks weren't his thing. That might be true. But Erin did know that his family was his thing. Spending time with them. Watching them enjoy things and learn things and just be happy and in the moment. And the suppleness of those wants were becoming even more stark on the trip because of her awareness that Hank wasn't there. He wasn't getting to see Ethan with the dinosaurs or seeing the ocean or the alligators or gazing up at the stars. And that stung a little bit. Maybe more than a lot of things related to Hank had stung in a good long while. Because she knew … he ultimately just wanted them to be happy. To be safe and protected and happy with the lives they had. To be able to find some sort of stability and contentment in their every days. In the life he'd tried so hard to build for his family. And she imagined that even if he wasn't saying it, he likely felt like he'd failed in reaching that goal. Because there were so few of them left. And they were kind of fucked up.
But really how fucked up were they? Looking around at some of the families on this holiday – she knew they were only so fucked up. Because as dysfunctional as they were – they were also still functional. And she was seeing a lot of families around her who didn't seem that functional. Or at the very least they functioned within a completely different dynamic than anything she'd known. And their dynamic didn't look anymore healthy than theirs. Some of them looked more toxic than any situation they found themselves in.
But it wasn't even just the trip. Hank would've liked the trip even though he couldn't come and Erin still wasn't sure if she would've wanted him there. Because it would've been different. Very fucking different. But he would've liked the Space Center day. For himself. He would've enjoyed it too.
He likely would've liked the Saturn V building and exhibits too. Because he liked those kinds of documentaries as well. That Jay and Hank had some of the same fucking documentaries queued up on their Netflix accounts. Something she'd teased Jay about but it had gone over badly. And she realized after teasing him, that as much as Jay might not like to be compared to Hank, that she didn't really want to think about the comparison either. Because as much as they there different men, they had too many similarities. And she supposed in some ways as that reality set in too, it again made it harder not to forgive Hank and love him and just move on. Because she loved Jay. And she knew the kind of sacrifices they'd made for each other too. The holes they'd pull each other out of – because they cared, because they were family. But it still didn't make her want to think about the fact that she might be marrying a facsimile of the guy who'd raised her. Because she wasn't sure what that said about her or Jay or their relationship. Or maybe her relationship with the family she'd had for more than half her life now.
She did know, though, that Hank had anecdotes and memories about the space race and watching the moon landing when he was a little boy. Even though it was hard to imagine him as a little boy despite having seen the photos and having known his mother and hearing Camille teasing him and prodding him about some of his quirks from long ago that mostly still existed. Because people don't really change. Life just changes around them and they react.
Just like Hank would sit through science fiction shows and movies with Ethan. With the notable exception of Star Wars. Which Hank claimed didn't classify as worthwhile science fiction. And that might be true. Star Wars was definitely not in the realm of Hank's definition of entertainment. But Erin suspected he'd mostly stepped back from actively engaging in the Star Wars realm with Ethan because it was something her brother had bonded with Jay over. And he'd let that happen. He'd let it grow. He'd recognized it was needed. Or maybe it was a quiet message to her or to Jay or to Ethan … to all of them … of acceptance of the situation and the relationship and of Jay for who and what and the man he was.
And Jay was the kind of man who'd take Ethan to the Space Center and walk around it at a snail's pace – not just because it was something he wanted to see and do, but so he could be there to share the experience with her brother. So he could read the panels and answer questions and just talk to him. The same way that Hank had taken Eth to the Yerkes Observatory in Lake Geneva and had endured some of the programming at Adler with the kid too. To share it with him. To educate him. To try to inspire him to be something more and dream and work hard and to know he could achieve. It was a level of patience that Erin didn't often have with her brother. It was why she avoided taking him to any of the museums because Eth's pace was too slow, because he read so slowly and needed help, because he had endless questions and commentary if you got him going. So she'd much rather take him to laser tag or bowling or paint ball or a movie or dinner or pick him up at his friends' places and play taxi cab or chaperone for or to their events at RIC. But for how impatient Hank – how Jay – could be with the vast majority of humanity – they were willing to slow down and bite their tongues and trudge along for Ethan.
And maybe because space was something they both liked too. She knew that Apollo 13 seemed to be high in Hank and Ethan's movie rotation. Because her brother preferred – could handle – watching the same things over and over again. And in a lot of ways, Hank was the same way. That it wasn't the brain damage, it was Hank. It was that he liked things the way he liked things and after he found something he liked, he stuck with it. For better or worse.
Ethan had been mentioning Apollo 13 like a broken record while they were in the Saturn V building and exhibits. He'd searched the gift shop there for something from Apollo 13 for his dad. It hadn't been a hard item to find. Apparently that mission – that perseverance – had captured a lot of people's imaginations and become a good marketing gimmick. But Erin had still talked him out of buying his dad the "failure is not an option" tshirt. Because Hank rarely wore anything that had any sort of branding on it. Instead, they'd settled into an agreement on a coffee mug with the same quote and the mission patch. Because, as souvenir-y and tacky as it was, it also was so Hank. Failure was not an option. It never had been. It likely never would be. Whatever the circumstances, he'd find someway to come through the other end – bringing all of them with him – whatever the other side might look like. It was the same as Jay. Ranges … they lead the way. And in a lot of ways, those two slogans, they were pretty much the same thing.
And it didn't really matter what it was – because Ethan had just glowed again as he dug out his own wallet and picked through his own allowance money and bought that mug for his dad. Hopefully declaring that he bet it'd be one of his dad's work mugs. That it'd be a "good one for the job". And Erin could tell that Ethan couldn't wait to share pictures of the day with his dad – the ones that they hadn't been sending as they went – and talk his ear off about it. And hand him that mug that he'd picked out just for him.
They'd taken some photos in the Rocket Garden too. They'd all taken their turns at contorting into the space capsule to take their near upside down shots and having that surreal moment of walking across the gangway that others going much farther afield got to navigate.
Unfortunately – fortunately – the Atlantis building when they emerged out of the Rocket Garden was nearly as big and complex as the Saturn V building. The multimedia show and the ultimate reveal of the Atlantis space shuttle had been so well done that even Erin had felt that awe building in her chest. And Jay had once again cast her that wide grin and gripped so tightly at her hand as they walked out of the holding area and into the gallery to stare at this beast that had broken through the atmosphere multiple times and travelled to the space station, orbiting the planet and touching the stars. And Ethan just kept rambling on gob smacked about it being "a real-live space ship" like all the rockets they'd been looking at all day just hadn't competed at all. Because this … it was just different.
The building had been too. The whole space was all interactive and multimedia exhibits. Using the Canadarm and landing the space shuttle. Crawling through the tunnels of the international space station and going down slides meant to replicate the re-entry path of a shuttle. Docking the space shuttle and interacting with massive touchscreens meant to mirror science experiments happening in space right then – density, unity, biodiversity, microgravity. Ethan's mind was spinning and between that and consoles – fully sitting inside a cockpit of a space shuttle – it'd been hard to pull any of them away. It got competitive as they each tried to land the beast without crashing and dock without ramming into the space station and grab cargo with the robotic arm before it floated away into space. Erin wanted to say that she won – but she hadn't. Jay had definitely excelled to the point he'd let slip that if he hadn't been in such a hurry to enlist and get to combat, he likely would've considered Air Force. That he'd wanted to do flight school when he was a kid and that hadn't happened but he did play a lot of flight simulators on the computer – until he took his Call of Duty and Halo turn. And somehow, as good as Jay was at his job, Erin could actually see him as a fighter pilot. A good one.
They'd only given up their spot on the simulators because it became apparent they were hogging the one and other families were getting restless for their turn. Ethan and Jay likely would've been happy to loiter around and wait for another console to free up but instead they'd gone and stood in line for the Launch Experience ride.
Eth expressed some minor hesitance – not sure what exactly it was, when his dad had done enough research about the rides at the parks and the ones he absolutely did not want his son going on and the one was some sort of Mission: Space at the EPCOT park. But a chat with the ride attendant assured them that it wouldn't be that kind of G-Force experience they had at Disney. And Ethan's confidence with the rides had increased a bit after trying the motion simulators that were Indominus and Spiderman the night before. He'd even survived the Amber Mine rollercoaster and the Canopy Coaster, though, he still wasn't too sure how he felt about rollercoasters after them. But the attendant had again assured that it was more of a motion simulator than anything resembling a rollercoaster, so they'd all gotten on.
Erin would say the experience paled some after they'd been at Universal the day before but it was still fun. The shaking and the visuals were intense and the trick they pulled at the end with tilting the simulator gave a surprising feeling of weightlessness that Ethan, who struggled so much against his body and its limitations anymore, continued to glow about and talk about all the way to the car after that. Erin was sure if they didn't have to walk through the whole building again from the ride's exit, they likely would've gone on it multiple times.
As it was, though, it was pushing 4 p.m. and was far later than the "we'll leave after lunch" deal. The park was still open about Visitor Complex more hours and they'd barely scratched the surface there, it felt like. They'd skipped a building on the early space program. They'd skipped the Astronaut Hall of Fame. They'd skipped some sort of Mission Briefing presentation. They'd skipped an exhibit about Mars, which included one of the rovers, which might've been really interesting for Ethan even though he was less than thrilled with his Robotics team that year. They skipped another exhibit that was called Explorers Wanted, which though it likely would've been kind of propaganda-y, it might've been a good opportunity to get Eth's mind churning more about opportunities in front of him if he applied himself and kept plugging away as best he could. And they'd skipped some exhibit and presentation about what NASA was up to these days – and in the near future. And that wasn't even getting into the some of the presentations and shows they had on their schedule or the extra extended tours that went over to Cape Canaveral Air Force Station that Jay likely would've enjoyed or the interactive scavenger hunt that Ethan would've likely gotten lost in for the entire day, if they let him. Basically, it felt like they hadn't done even half of what the place had to offer.
And part of her wanted to tell Jay that it was OK. That they could stay – should stay – until close. And she'd looked at him with eyes that offered that – but he'd just given her a thin smile and given his head a little shake. Because they were both reading Ethan's body language – and even though he'd handled the day well and they'd been inside in A/C and they'd had lots of sitting breaks – they could both see that he was fading just a bit. That they were best not to push it – because they had more excitement scheduled for the next day. And for the rest of the week. And they were right in the period where at home – at school – Eth would be settling down for his afternoon rest.
So Jay had made that sacrifice too. Knowing that they likely wouldn't get back that trip to see the rest of it. Knowing that it might be years or decades before they ever did get back and that even then the trip out to the Space Center might not end up on the schedule. But he hadn't said anything. There'd been no looks or body language. The only thing that he'd done was tugged her wrist to a stop as they passed the final little souvenir kiosk before leaving the complex. And, he'd just bought a magnet.
"You should get a tshirt," she told him.
But he just shrugged at that. "Saving my tshirt money for something ridiculous," he said.
So even though she'd told him he'd look far better in the NASA meatball than the Jaws shark, he'd ignored the offer to walk back to the bigger gift shop. So instead, they'd gone back to the car and she'd let him drive. Let him sit in that lot and gaze at a map – not the GPS – until he'd picked out the back route that'd let them see some of the "real Florida" and not just the highways. And Eth had plugged in his headphones and drowsed in-and-out of consciousness as they made their plodding way back into the city on their hunt for Key Lime Pie, which he thought would be a better treat than any NASA tshirt.
And now here they where – still without Key Lime Pie – but still functional. Having made it through another day. Almost. And apparently looking like a family to the onlookers. More so than they actually were. Or maybe exactly like they were, just on slightly different terms that the snarky old woman had thought.
"You called him dad," Ethan said to her with his big eyes.
She just gave him a thin little smile and gave him a little nudge.
"You haven't called him that in forever," Ethan pressed at her.
But Erin just shrugged. "Well, I think Dad would've liked today," she allowed. "And I think he'd like this?"
Ethan gazed at the jar in her hand. "Jam?" he asked, giving her a look.
She gave a little nod but pointed at the label. "Strawberry rhubarb jam," she corrected.
A smile grew on Eth's face at that and he looked up at her. "Think it will be as gross as his pie?"
She knocked slightly at the brim of his cap. "Dad likes his pie," she said. But she picked up another jar. "What about this one? Marmalade. All the citrus fruits from Florida."
Ethan gazed at it too. "That sounds kinda good. Dad does like breakfast. A lot."
She smiled and gave a little nod. "He does," she agreed.
"So do you," Ethan said.
Erin made an amused noise and gazed down at him. "Brunch," she said.
Her baby brother leaned into her a bit at that. "You think Dad will be having brunch tomorrow with Olive and Henry?"
Erin gave a little shrug. "I think the plan is they were going to come over later in the day for an early dinner," she allowed.
"Ham likely," Ethan said. "And he got the sandbox ready for H."
She gave a little nod. But her brother just leaned against her a bit more. He'd slept in the car a bit and maybe he was still a little dopey. Or maybe he'd just hit his threshold for the day and was ready to get back to the resort and crash for the evening, which wouldn't be a bad thing but wasn't entirely what her and Jay had been talking about.
"I'm proud of you today," she told him. He looked up at her with some question in his eyes. "That you let Jay have his day."
Ethan shrugged a bit. "I mean … I get it's … not just my vacation and that maybe yesterday wasn't as awesome for you guys as me."
Erin gave his shoulder a little nudge. "We had fun," she allowed. Because that was the truth. They had. Maybe more than they'd expected.
But it only made Eth shrug a bit against her too. "I had fun today too," he allowed. "And … like … I've watched all the Cosmos documentaries with Jay and stuff and I know it really likes it all. And he knows lots about that stuff. And constellations. And the planets." Eth gave a little sigh and looked up into her eyes again. "I just … I like that I know some stuff he likes and that he … talks to me. Like I'm normal and not stupid or annoying or … all of that." He looked away. "Justin didn't …"
She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and rocked him tightly against her, just briefly putting her chin against his head. "Don't do that," she said. "We aren't going to get sad and angry like that on this trip. Remember?"
He gave a little nod but she could feel the sadness in him.
"Hey," she whispered at him. "You need to cheer up, because me and Jay were talking in the car and if you're still feeling up to it, we were going to eat dinner out tonight."
But he shifted in her grip and she released him. They were in public. He looked up at her.
"Disney Springs? TRex Café?" she offered. "And the Lego store for dessert?"
His eyes lit up but then flickered a bit and he fidgeted. "The Indiana Jones restaurant is there too," he told her quietly. "It's in a float plane hanger. And Jay really likes Indiana Jones and he really likes planes."
"Mmm …," she allowed to that.
"Him and Dr. Halstead used to play Indiana Jones at the cabin," Ethan added. "Like they swung on vines. Only they weren't real vines. They were roots from a tree on a cliff. He showed me."
Erin smiled at that. She hadn't heard this story. But it completely didn't surprise her. It sounded very Jay and it sounded very much like something she could see him and Will getting up to. Beyond that she knew that Jay and Eth had spent a lot of alone time together at the cabin and out at the lake while she just stayed close to the indoors. She was sure Ethan had heard some more bits and pieces of Jay's childhood that she hadn't. But she would – eventually. Either from Jay or from Ethan's motormouth and lack of filter.
"I hope you didn't try it," she put to him.
Ethan shook his head. "Nah," he allowed. "Jay wouldn't let me. 'Cuz he said it's pretty dangerous. Will fell once and rock his arm. But Jay says he's not very co-ordinated."
"Oh, that's a great thing to hear about a doctor who's a plastic surgeon." She rolled her eyes a little.
"I know," Ethan agreed firmly. "Now I really hate when I get Will when we have to go to the hospital. But he tries not to see my anymore there anyway since you guys are engaged or we're like … family … kinda … or whatever."
"Hmm …," Erin agreed.
"But maybe … I think Jay would like the Indiana Jones restaurant way better than TRex. You probably both would," Eth said.
She scrubbed at the button on his cap. "We likely won't get back there for TRex, Eth."
He shrugged. "That's OK," he allowed. "I mean … you were kinda right. It sorta looked … like Rainforest Café."
"That's OK …," Erin provided.
But Eth just shook his head. "The food will likely be way better at Indiana Jones because the food at Rainforest was kinda ICK!"
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. That was a pretty accurate assessment. It definitely wasn't the kind of food that Eth would be used to from the kind of restaurants that Hank regularly took him to. It was no mom-and-pop diner.
"You won't be disappointed?" she pressed again in clarification, though.
He shrugged. "It's not like their dinosaurs are gonna be better than the ones we saw yesterday, right?"
"I really don't know, Eth," she said.
He sighed a little. "It's OK," he allowed. "Maybe we can like look in the gift shop after and maybe we'll be able to see into the restaurant and see the dinosaurs from there."
"Maybe …," she allowed. But it made her feel proud of him again. Too. Because he was giving up something he had so expressly wanted to do – for Jay. He was trying to really make it Jay's day in his own way. And that … it meant a lot. It would to Jay too.
Eth looked up at her again. "And I … I know you like breakfast … brunch," he offered. "And … since tomorrow's Easter I wanted to … like take you and Jay for breakfast. Like at that Toothsome place because it has crepes and waffles like you like. Even though Jay says steampunk is too pretentious to endure and keep down his food."
Erin let out an amused noise at that and shook her head, glancing over to where Jay was still waiting on the woman and the smoothies. She seemed to work at a snail's pace.
"That's a pretty expensive breakfast, Eth," she said.
He shrugged and looked up at her. "I know … but I wanna. 'Cuz you're spending lots and doing nice stuff for me. You basically do always. And you should have things you like on the trip too."
She tapped at his brim. "I've got two things I like on this trip," she assured him.
"Erin …," he sighed at her with some minor frustration.
She gave a little nod. She did appreciate his efforts. "You know what I'd like tomorrow for breakfast?" she nodded at him.
He gave her a questioning look. "To get to sleep passed 6 a.m.," she said and he huffed away from her. So she tapped at his brim again. "And, it looks like they've got some farm fresh eggs and Navel oranges here. Right?"
Ethan glanced at the front of the little building they were in where the farm goods were on display. "Yea …," he allowed.
"So … I think that's what I'd like for breakfast tomorrow," she said and picked up a jar of strawberry jam too. It was three for two anyway. "And this," she provided.
Ethan gazed at her hand but took the jar from her.
"You don't have to pay, Eth," she said.
He shrugged. "I can pay and I can make them too. If you like scramble."
She smiled a little at that. She knew Eth was an expert at making scramble of every variety but they had a nice variety of vegetables at home that he could work at chopping and dicing and slicing for them in the morning. Setting him on that task would actually likely give her and Jay a slower start and a quieter morning. And maybe some privacy to at least set out his couple Easter surprises that had been brought and bought. Or maybe they could find something better to do with their private time …
"Scramble sounds perfect," she allowed.
Their scrambled lives. That still congealed in the end. Somehow. All their bits and pieces came together to create something of substance. Maybe a bit more than something.
AUTHOR NOTE: Your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.
It's very possible this might be the last Florida chapter.