Chapter 27

Letters to a friend

Yumiko poured more sake. She drank in silence, watching Kenji toy with his own cup. He stared in the distance, his mind far, far away. She waited, wondering if Kenshin had intended for her to reveal all this to his son. What had been those instructions left with his lawyer? Had the fire come close to annihilate all her chances of ever meeting the young man? Or had it destroyed forever Kenshin's desire that his son should never know the truth? She would never know for sure, but she felt like he had wanted for her to tell him. Why would he have entrusted her with such precious mementos? She eyed her tansu. Was it time?

"I feel so silly," he whispered.

He eyes went back to him.

"You only had so much to work with, Kenji."

He shook his head and sighed.

"I think I understand," he paused. "But I don't think I can ever truly imagine what he felt like."

He looked her in the eyes.

"I'm still finding it hard to forgive him. I hate him," he stared at the cup his hand. "But I also can't help but love him."

Yumiko pushed the ledger across the floor towards him.

"These are all the letters your father sent me. I think you should read them."

He pulled the book towards himself but didn't pick it watched as she got up and walked to the tansu. She shifted a few books around to reveal a divider. Delicately, she pushed on the small wooden panel. It slid sideways to reveal an even smaller concealed space. She took out a thin bundle tied with red and white string. She handed it out to him.

"These were sent to me by your father. I was supposed to await instructions regarding them. Of course we both know I won't get them now."

He took the small parcel in his hand.

"They were addressed to you. I didn't open them. You should save them for last."

She kneeled down, filled up a cup of sake, and drank it in one shot.

"I will sleep in the mansion tonight. Ring if you need anything."

Without waiting for his answer, she wrapped herself in a woolen shawl, slipped on her shoes, and walked out the door.

Kenji considered the delicate parcel Yumiko had given him. Part of him wanted nothing more than to rip that paper open and read those first. He fought the urge a long while before setting the parcel next to the ledger. His father's letters. His fingers caressed the leather binding, hesitating. Even though she had given him permission, he felt like he was intruding on Yumiko's privacy. Not to mention his father's. He feared he would discover more horrors, more tragedies… more pain. He took a deep breath. He needed to finish this. He opened the book.

The first few letters were casual, filled with everyday occurrences of family life. Kenji was surprised at how detailed were his father's descriptions of him. He didn't remember most of the events mentioned, but it seemed like Kenshin had been following his son's growth my loving attention. Then, suddenly, the letters dramatically changed in tone and became more spaced in time.

5th Day of Minazuki

Hokkaido is proving to be much harsher than I had expected. I hope my actions will result in better lives for the people, yet I have my doubts. I have little liberties to express my opinion. Katsura valued the input of a 15 year old more than these people now value mine.

I have requested that my past be kept secret from Kenji. Unable to give a reason to anyone but Kaoru without endangering them, I have angered my friends. Sanosuke especially. I haven't seen him before my departure, nor did anyone else do. I believe he might have gone to China.

I wonder what Kenji is doing right now…

18th Day of Hazuki

Returned home for a brief time. How did two years escape me? Kaoru is frowning at my upcoming assignment but I know she understands. How I wish I could have given her the life she deserves. I feel like everyone who gives me a share of their happiness ends up paying a heavy price. Kenji has grown so much and is on his way to becoming a brilliant kenkaku. I have missed so much… I left with a loving boy waiting for me at home only to come back to a child who behaves with me like one would with a stranger. I long to carry him on my shoulder and cradle him to sleep. Maybe that is the true path to atonement.

Still no news of Sanosuke…

2nd Day of Kannazuki

I am sick. Too long have I taxed this body, this borrowed life. I haven't told or shown Kaoru. She would insist that I stay. She would seek to care for me. I would want nothing more, but I can't afford to put their lives on the line. So I leave again. Kenji will not talk to me. His silent eyes only glare at me. I thought I knew pain when Tomoe died. How naive I was.

25th Day of Kirasagi

My son hates me. He has mastered his mother's style and wishes to learn Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu. I have refused his request. Never have I been so conflicted. I am so proud of the young man he is becoming my heart might burst at the seams. At the same time, fear is gnawing at me relentlessly. He can't be seen in Kyoto. People still remember.

Yet, I have sent word of Kenji to Hiko Seijuro and requested for my sword to be taken out of the shrine where Arai Shaku enshrined it. The boy has his mother's temper. I expect him to disobey my wishes. I will not have him fight with a subpar blade.

13th Day of Shiwasu

I have found on my return that Kenji has run away to Kyoto. I am again proud and terrified. At least I can trust my master.

I can not longer hide my sickness. In her stubbornness Kaoru will have contratect it. Her devotion never ceases to amaze me. Is she trying to prove to me that she loves me as much if not more than Tomoe did? I don't know and can't ask. She begged me to stay and I almost gave in. But I can't. I am leaving for China this time. I still hope to find Sanosuke.

5th Day of Yayoi

Hong Kong

I have heard word of Sanosuke but the trail is cold. I am headed for Manchuria. The sickness that ails me is slowly devouring me. I can feel my mind slip away from my wasting shell. You will find included two letters for Kenji. My lawyer will contact you with instructions upon my passing.

Yumiko. There will never be enough words in this world to express my gratitude. Twice in my life now you have saved me from madness. I fear I have repaid you poorly. In another life we might have been happy.

Forever indebted to you

Himura Kenshin

Kenji lifted his eyes from the last words. He sighed and covered his face with his hands anew. More than ever, he realised that he had never seen his father as a person. He'd only ever been his absentee father, nothing more. But these words… They were unlike anything he could have ever imagined. That his father, after a life of hardship had still taken it on himself to protect them from whatever danger he thought might befall them… It was just too much. These letters also painted an image of his mother that was unfamiliar to him. He'd never believed that she had sought to share his father's sickness, yet there it was. He could have seen it as a lie, but there was something in his father's words that convinced him otherwise. Did Sanosuke know that Kenshin had never given up on him? He wanted to tell his friend that his father had always cherished him. He shivered. The fire in the irori had gone out.

He glanced at the small bundle, resting on the floor. He gingerly picked it up and pulled on the string. He unfolded the faded paper and found two small envelopes. He moved the ledger aside and set them evenly apart in front of him. One, yellowed and stained, had his name in faded in across the front. The characters were perfectly centered and traced in his father's beautiful hand. The second, less tattered, also had his name across the front. However, the characters were hesitant, skewed. He reached out for the first one. His hand stopped halfway, hovering above. He retracted his hand and set it on his lap. He couldn't. He simply couldn't.