So It Goes

by ZombieJazz

Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances create for their blended family which is transitioning through a period of grief. The series focuses on what's left of Voight's family and their strained relationships. This is part of the AU started in Interesting Dynamics and is a continuation of Aftermath.

22. Hangar Hangout

Title: So It Goes

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.

This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.

As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.

This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.

A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).

SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.

"Ethan don't go too –" Erin had started but got cut off.

"Erin …," Jay put to her, arcing his eyebrow at her as she briefly met his eyes.

She was in a bit of a coddling mode at the moment. Maybe smothering. It was funny how she went through phases of that with Eth. Sometimes the two of them fought and bickered like they were only a couple years apart in age. Sometimes she was just as stern – or more stern – with him than Voight. Than there were other times where she turned into a complete Mama Bear. The protective big sister who was practicing at being a mother – and by Jay's measure likely a pretty fucking good one – came out.

He couldn't pinpoint exactly what had spurred it in her that night. Maybe just that they'd had a long day. Maybe because Eth hadn't eaten that well at dinner. Maybe because they were in an unfamiliar place. And it was getting dark and technically it was actually pushing right passed when they should really be back on their own resort and settling Eth down in the suite for some screen-time and getting him prepped for his night-time pills and to crawl into bed so he got some proper shut-eye.

But, really, as much as it was pushing toward Eth's lights-out and as much as Jay knew part of their deal and vacation planning had revolved around pretty much trying to maintain Eth's schedule and routines as much as possible – so he wasn't exhausted and destroyed and flaring up – he also just really wanted to keep sitting on that (likely entirely man-made-)lakeside deck and patio in the finally darkening and cooling humidity of a Florida evening. With Erin.

Because it actually was almost feeling like a vacation right then. They could almost sort of squint their eyes just so and pretend they were in Central America or South America or at least the Florida Keys and not the middle of Disney's dining and shopping district.

So he really didn't see the harm in Eth wandering off for a bit. Because they WERE in the middle of Disney's dining and shopping district. The pavement was so fucking clean they likely could've eaten their dinner off it – rather than these overly themed tables on this overly themed patio. It wasn't like anything was going to happen to him.

The most that would likely happen was that he'd either spend some of his allowance and vacation money without them hovering over his shoulder and injecting their opinions about his choices—which maybe wasn't a bad thing for him to get used to doing. Making his own fucking choices and mistakes when it came to money. Or he may only get partway to the store he was headed to and realize he was too tired to be trekking around the maze at that point in the day, and hopefully then he'd have enough sense to make his way back to the restaurant rather than pushing onward. And if he did push onward and end up having to sit down somewhere and rest – he had a fucking phone. He was on a leash. They'd find him.

Beyond that – the kid was growing up in Chicago. And as gentrified the area Voight had raised his family in – that him and Erin were putting down roots in – was becoming, it still wasn't exactly entirely squeaky clean. It was still a little rough around the edges. It had some history. It neighbored some areas that still kept some of the fucking hipsters away and from infiltrating and gentrifying the space too much.

And even with that reality, Voight let the kid take off up to the park a couple blocks away and … as far as Jay could tell pretty much play baseball with himself, unless Eva or Evan happened to be bumming around with him. Because even with Eth loitering on the sidelines looking at the fucking riffraff from the neighborhood – about 80 percent of which seemed to be boys around his age, he still didn't get invited to kick around with them. Jay didn't quite get it. But he also wasn't sure it was entirely a bad thing considering some of the petty bullying and bullshit the kids spouted at him just for kicks. But he also knew it was lonely for Eth. Supposed that was part of the reason why Voight pushed the Robotics thing. At least then he had an activity and kids his age to interact with. Supposed it was why they played taxi service to the Museum Hangout Club thing. And to RIC. And supposed between those activities, just had to wait for his kick-around moments with Eva and Ethan and keep waiting for ball season to start back up. That'd be soon enough after they got back and hopefully it'd mean that Eth would expand his little kick-around gang a bit more again. Because Jay knew what it was likely to be a loner as a teen and in high school. He knew Erin did too. And got the sense Justin had too. Each in their own ways and for their own reasons. Voight likely knew too. Being a lone wolf was … what it was … after you reached a certain point in your life. But you shouldn't be having to live with that label when you're still just a kid. It's not setting you up for … a healthy … or normal … adulthood. Social life. Relationships. Friendships. Jay knew that too.

Still, Eth did kick around the neighborhood. He got to wander a bit. Within reason for a kid his age. He wasn't exactly a free range kid. But as much as Voight kept him on a leash, he wasn't exactly caged in either.

Eth walked to their place all the time. He took the dog out when it was still dark in the morning and already dark in the winter after school. He walked to Ignatius most mornings on his own – while the rest of the school seemed to get dropped off by their parents in luxury vehicles. Or cars of their fucking own as soon as they hit 16. He'd walked from campus over to District most afternoons after he finished up his tutoring or Robotics … or detention. Sometimes he even managed to wander as far as the boxing gym or meet up with Eva to take the CTA over to her place, which definitely wasn't in a neighborhood that was doing much of anything to gentrify yet.

So if Eth could manage all that – and come away unscathed from it despite sticking out like a sore thumb – Jay was pretty sure he could tackle going and looking at a few of the stores near Jock's Hangar Bar and Grill – at fucking Disney Springs.

Erin let out a little sigh and her line of sight shifted back to Eth. "Forty-five minutes," she stressed sternly.

Jay was thinking more like sixty to ninety. Give them time to nurse their drinks and talk and just be together … alone … for a bit. But he wasn't going to quibble about it. Not then. More like he'd sent Eth a text around the 30 minute mark and tell him to take his time.

"I know …," Eth huffed at her and started his hobble off again. "Calm down. It's not like anyone is going to abduct me. I'm too much work," he added, wagging his one crutch back in Erin's direction.

He likely had a point. As much as the crutches made him a bit of a target for other things – in that way, he probably wouldn't be a prime choice for any assholes that did happen to turn the area into their predatory territory. And Jay wouldn't be surprised if there were a host of pervs, weirdos and wackos staking out Disney for their own disgusting reasons. Universal too. But, though, he was keeping close watch on Eth and occasionally eyeing anything – or anyone – that seemed a little off to him, he was also keeping it in check and not expressing it out loud. They were supposed to on vacation. Their were fucking sickos, psychos and assholes everywhere. You needed to put the job on the shelf to some extent sometimes. Though, that wouldn't mean he wouldn't step up and step in if something looked outright wrong to him. And beyond that, with some of the stuff going on with Eth's bullying and the fucking education that Evan was giving him with going to an all-boys school and having definitely hit puberty combined with some of the shit the therapy sessions he'd subjected himself to to get Eth into the rockclimbing program … to try to be a better man and a better husband and a better friend and a better cop and hopefully a better father some day … he knew he was sort of getting set off about shit more than he should. Not quite triggering. But projecting. And him and Erin talked … discussed … maybe argued a little … about him not doing that with Eth. And she was right. She had a point. But it was hard. And if it was this hard with Eth … well, he was likely going to need a whole new round of therapy when they had kids. And likely another when they hit Eth's age now. Their early teens.

But Jay still called out at him, "Hey …," he pressed, arcing his eyebrow at the kid and the tone he was giving Erin when Eth looked at him. "Don't go into the Lego store without me," he warned.

"I know …," Eth huffed again.

"I'm serious," Jay clarified.

"I know," Eth stressed and kept going. Erin allowed a small amused smile at that. "I'm just going over there," he muttered in his click-clack away.

There being this giant balloon that they could just see sort of around the corner and out of sight from the deck they were on. But Eth had been sitting watching in fascination as it went up and down. Just transfixed. That and the amphibious cars that looked like Classics out for the '50s, cruising around the lake and then coming up the ramp and into the little harbor. And, Jay'd admit, he'd been a little transfixed by them too. They were pretty fucking cool in a completely … you're at fucking Disney kind of way. So fucking tacky. But still … awesome.

Jay thought it was likely the complete over-stimulation of the setting they were eating in that had caused Eth not to eat than anything that the mothering side of Erin might be worrying about.

"We aren't going on it," Erin called at him.

"I know," Ethan said even more annoyed, giving her a look from his attempt to get off the deck. "I'm just taking a picture of the cars anyway. For Dad."

Eth had been mentioning his dad a lot lately. Especially that day. Jay hadn't minded too much. Erin had said that Voight likely would've enjoyed the Space Center too. And Jay acknowledged that.

He'd been over at Voight's place enough to know that if him and Eth had a space documentary going on in the front room, or even some of the various science fiction movies or shows that weren't too fucking cheesy, the guy might actually appear and sit down. He didn't to that for much TV unless it was hockey, football, baseball or something car related. Or some fucking history special or these old black and white movies. It was weird the Voight he was getting to know outside of work. Slowly. He was an actual, real human being. Maybe that gave Jay some hope that he could manage being a functional human being … a husband and father and partner and cop too. And, it'd been pretty fucking clear anyways that Hank had been trying to nurture the space aspect of Eth's interest in Star Wars and Robotics. Or just science, in general. So it made sense they'd be thinking about him a bit at the Space Center. Mentioning him.

So, yeah, the guy likely would've liked the day. Though, Jay thought he was also pretty happy the guy wasn't there. It definitely would've changed the dynamic considerably. Of not just that day but the entire holiday. He wasn't sure he would've been able to relax and enjoy any of it. He would've had his own fronts up. Him and Erin would've leaned more toward their "professional" demeanor than their "personal" one. Even though Voight saw them enough in a lot of personal, private circumstances. He got to see some of that. They'd let down some walls around him. But they still put on a bit of a show. So Jay wasn't sure he knew entirely how they functioned as a couple. But that was their personal, private business.

He'd mostly just passed Eth's mentions of his dad off as a little bit of homesickness. He acknowledged that since being home and since being officially sick – complete with his fucking labels – he hadn't been away from Voight a lot. The two of them were tight in ways that Jay had trouble understanding because he hadn't had that with his dad. But Voight and Eth … Jay didn't know. He didn't quite get it. But he knew there was part of him that was jealous. Of Eth. And of Erin. Because as much as Voight annoyed the fucking shit out of them. And as much as Voight made fucking clear that Eth was a giant pain in his ass – that Erin still was – he so fucking clearly … loved them. He so fucking clearly wanted to have time with them. And Eth … just … he sought out that one-on-one time with his dad.

Any Saturday that Eth didn't have Robotics and Voight wasn't on-call or on scene, him and Erin were fucking chopped liver (which wasn't a bad thing). Eth just wanted to have that time with his dad. When 90 percent of those Saturdays, it seemed like the agenda was groceries and cleaning and watching TV. Which Jay also got pretty much was what days off became after you were an adult and had a family. But still … Eth would rather kick around with his dad doing errands. Getting tutored on how to cook something or use the grill or best way to chop or what kitchen gadgets to do what. Or how to fucking mop properly in this whole fucking wax on, wax off kind of way, where it'd finally got disclosed that after Voight's dad died he'd taken up after-school work as a janitor mopping and buffing the floors and wiping down the chalkboards. To help bring in money to support his family … him and his mom.

Real work. Honest work. Paid work. Not taking envelopes of money from whatever connections the family had then. Or waiting on CPD to acknowledge and rectify with any kind of compensation and not just a plaque on the wall that his dad had died in the line of duty. And not being a runner at the Social Club. Though, Erin admitted that it was well-known that being that runner made up part of Voight's summer holidays as a kid. But still, knowing that tidbit about him … the teen-aged janitor, trying to be the man of his house at fifteen … it sort of … adjusted his perspective of the man yet again. Slightly. Even if it wasn't exactly surprising. But it just … added some of that focus.

Maybe it was also because as much as he got to see the "home Voight" and the "father Voight" now and not just the morally-grey-area, street-tough cop he was at work a lot of the time.

But Jay also acknowledged Eth was dealing with a whole different mindset when it came to his dad. Jay knew he'd never quite understand it. Because he hadn't lost his mom when he was barely a grade-schooler. And he hadn't lost his older brother when he was still a pre-teen. He didn't grow up with visible scars or brain damage or get sentenced to a life of chronic illness – that was going to have some pretty scary moments and pretty intensive therapies to get you to manage life at all. And even though they didn't really talk about it and he wasn't sure if Eth knew or could entirely understand even talking about 60s or early-70s – but not likely 80s or 90s – still seemed incomprehensible and so far away to him as a kid. But he'd have a shorter life expectancy than most.

And Jay supposed if you were a little kid dealing with all that, you were going to cling to the adults in your life. And you were just going to have to hope that you had decent enough adults in your life that they worked at helping keep you afloat and on the level. And, Eth was lucky that he definitely did.

At first he'd thought it was a little strange for Eth to get any sort of homesickness – already missing his dad and his dog within three days of being away from them. This was a kid that had been shipped away to boarding school for a couple years. But he'd also come to realize that part of the way Eth clung to people wasn't just about his brain injury or him being homesick or him still really just being a kid. It was that he suffered some abandonment issues. In a lot of ways, his mom had "left" him. His brother had "left" him. And Hank had "left" him too for a period. Jay didn't doubt that maybe Erin had that label too.

Jay had trouble wrapping his whole head around the decision to send Eth off to boarding school. The kid would've been all of nine. Barely ten maybe. It just … boggled his mind. Especially seeing the way Voight was with the kid now.

It wasn't a topic that him and Erin talked about much. It was never something she'd said much about or wanted to go into any kind of details. And as they got farther and farther way from it, Eth said less and less about it too. Beyond his repeated insecurities that if he screwed up on the homefront that he'd get sent away again and occasional quips about some of the living hell the kids put him through there too in their own bullying he'd been enduring even then. Jay hadn't heard him say much for a while, though, until his little quip that day about how happy he was to have gotten expelled. And, Jay supposed, knowing Eth now – he was happy he got expelled too. He sort of thought their lives … they were a little bit better, a little bit more complete, more stable, maybe more meaningful or full … having him around. Even if he was a fucking lot of work and a pain in the ass. He was generally worth it.

When Jay had said something in the car on the drive back into the city about maybe Eth starting to feel a little homesick, Erin had let her guard about that time period down a little bit for the first time in a long while too. And, she'd just basically said that while Voight was in lock-up that Eth would be calling her almost every night in tears wanting to come home. And that every day she had off rotation, she was driving up to the school to see him. To take him out of there and into town and then having to drag him back there – both of them in near tears when she did.

And hearing that made it harder for Jay to really understand why Hank would do that to this little kid who he seemed to really fucking dote on now. As much as Voight doted or coddled anything or anyone. But Eth got more of that than most.

But he'd been around long enough at this point to know that sometimes Voight made spur of the moment decisions that didn't really seem like they were well thought out at all. Even if they were what his gut or years of experience were telling him they were the right course of action.

It really didn't matter that Erin had said that he was trying to protect all of them and let them have the most normal life possible in the circumstances. That were already beyond fucked up.

Jay couldn't understand how having a little kid in boarding school was a better option than him being with his big sister who was in her mid-twenties and certainly had experience caring for him. But Erin only shrugged when he argued that. Because he also knew that another reason she didn't like going back into that part of their … her … family's past was because it still hurt them all and was still raw.

And there was the underlying reality that even though Voight had made some pretty fucking stupid decisions – he'd gone off his leash and off the rails – that had hurt them all even more, it'd been Justin who'd set the whole thing in motion. And they also had an unspoken agreement that they didn't talk much about Justin now. Because Erin didn't want to speak ill of him – now.

Not of the dead. Not of pains that would never be fixed. Not when picking and picking at old wounds was never going to let them heal.

And she also knew – and she was right – that he'd be judgmental. He'd express his opinion … opinions … about Justin. About shit he'd put his family through. That he was still putting his family through. That they'd be going through for the rest of their lives. What he'd done to his brother. And Erin. And even Voight. And Olive and his own son. The prices all of them were going to have to pay. Because no matter what a "nice guy" or "goofy, good kid" Erin wanted to try to remember him as – he'd been a bit of an asshole. And he'd made selfish, immature choices – that even if his heart had been in the right place for some of them and even if he'd been heartbroken during others – he'd affected a whole lot of people. And Jay didn't seem as a good guy, or a nice guy, and he had trouble seeing him as a "kid" or having ever been a goofy or good kid. And he wouldn't accept that he'd grown up with Voight as a dad – a cop as a dad – as a fucking excuse. Because so had Erin. So was Ethan. And they hadn't turned out like Justin. They didn't have their heads shoved as far up their asses. They didn't have only-child, center of the universe syndrome. They didn't want to make it out like having a cop as a dad, or a tough guy as a dad, or a guy with a street reputation was a dad who was a tight-ass and strict was such a fucking hardship. And Jay wouldn't buy into for a second that Erin being taken in by the family or Justin ending up with a little brother was something that could throw him so far off the rails. Just like he wouldn't buy that losing his mom was an excuse either. Because that happened. And it sucked. But it wasn't the excuse and justification of behavior that Justin wanted to be. Or the one that Erin wanted to provide for him.

And Erin didn't want to hear those opinions. Again. And not now. He was expected to keep them to himself.

Just like she didn't want to hear his opinion about Voight sending Eth away for two-plus fucking years. She just didn't want to get into that. Because maybe there really wasn't a point.

Erin maintained that Hank was likely right in rejecting her offer to care for Eth in his absence. Back then. Jay knew that if the summer – or anything in the future – came back and bite Voight in the ass in any way, there'd be no way in hell that Erin would let her brother get shipped away.

But he also didn't think Voight would even consider that anymore either. They were all different people.

And Erin acknowledged that even though she saw Eth as a stabilizing force in her life – a reason to stay on track, and stay present, and stay sober, and to set an example and to live up to Voight's sometimes lofty expectations – she probably wouldn't have been a great guardian back then. Not yet.

She still saw herself as just a big sister then. She still was living the life of a 20-something and a Patrol cop. She still was working her way through CPD and finding her place. And her place – and path – had just been fucking compromised because everyone knew who's girl she was and the situation he was in now.

That it might've been better to have Eth out of the spotlight and under the radar, and for her to keep being the big sister, even if that meant she was dealing with a crying little boy over the telephone and using any of her fucking "free time" to go and try to help him pull through it.

And when she wasn't doing that – she was busy trying to help Voight and Justin pull through it. Being the only member of the fucking family on the outside. And having to try to hold it all together in a way that they'd all have a fucking place to come back to when the dust settled and they got out.

And that might've been where Jay got even more confused. Because Voight got out. Justin got out. And Eth was still up in his own personal fucking Statesville at the school.

He didn't understand that. And he could tell Erin didn't really either. He could tell there'd been words and arguments about it.

But the most he'd been given in that regard was that Justin going off the rails after Hank had tried to piece together his family with the death of his wife and the rehabilitation of his young son, had changed him. That in a lot of ways, if Jay had met Voight before all of that, he would've met a different person. That he wasn't quite as broken and he wasn't quite as dark. And having his oldest son do something stupid to fracture the family even more had just … fucked the guy up. And that it was fucking him up again now, even though Voight was struggling to keep it in check and not surface as frequently and as fiercely and as blindly as it did last time.

That when Voight got out, he needed time to find his feet and get his head on straight. To figure out his own way how to re-establish his family and create a home life that was something Eth could actually come home to. And not just a fucking gong show being hosted by a guy that he might not even recognize as his dad at that point. He'd needed the time to mourn and to grieve and to atone and to try to move on.

And that was fine and good to say. But Jay wasn't really sure when Voight planned on bringing Eth home if he hadn't gotten expelled. He didn't get the sense that a real game plan was in place. Or …that the plan was to just let the school raise the kid until he hit eighteen. Because Voight had decided he was a lost cause as a father or a family man.

He wasn't, though. Jay had come to respect the guy enough that he could acknowledge that. Accept it. That he was a father.

So maybe it was a really good thing Eth got expelled. Maybe that was the reality check that whole fucking family needed. Maybe it was the real thing that had forced them to get their heads on straight and to find some stability. To stop slipping on that banana peel that Voight liked to talk about. To realize the who and what they were. Or to fucking live up to what they all needed to be. To stop with the excuses or self-doubt or whatever the fuck had been going on during all of that. Fear of hurting the people closest to them more.

But none of that was anything they talked about much either. Because from what did get said, Jay also knew that there was a whole lot of guilt and second-guessing going on about all of that.

About if they could've caught Eth's M.S. sooner if he'd been home. If they could've started the paperwork and the push to get him on an IEP sooner. And if he'd be farther along in his education. If they would've seen and known about how much bullying the kid was already enduring even at that point. And been able to figure out better ways to help him defend himself and to cope. And to argue with the administration about their policies and to put the fear of the Lord (or the law) into the bullies and their parents if it continued.

But they weren't going to talk about any of that today. Or on the trip. Or really ever.

So any abandonment issues Eth had – any fucking insecurities he had within his own family – were just going to get labeled as homesickness. Him missing his dad and his dog. Maybe him fretting a bit about Voight being home alone for Easter. Though, Jay suspected that any comments about that again went back to the whole boarding school thing and the fact that not being home at Easter was something the kid related to that.

But Erin maintained that the Voights never did much on Easter. That they weren't overtly religious beyond their choice of schools for their kids. Which seemed to have more to do with connections than the religious education or prestige that came along with going to St. Ignatius. That any religion they did have in the home was usually only on display when the grandparents were over for a visit. And that all of that had started to fade a bit as the grandparents died. And had near vanished after Voight's wife died. Apparently.

Erin said that like most holidays in the Voight house, Easter just seemed to be about food. Special meal and some special treats and some fancy European desserts. Which, Jay supposed, based on his experience with Voight's cooking and the kind of old country stuff he pulled out at the holidays, he could appreciate maybe missing that.

Erin said they usually just had a chocolate egg out for the kids in the morning. It wasn't some second Christmas in their house piled with gifts. That when Eth or Justin were still little there'd been some outdoor toy. Something for the sandbox or a kite or a basketball. Maybe. If there was the extra money that month.

Though, she acknowledged that some years – Jay got the impression that if it was a good year financially for the family – there'd be a CD or a gift card or a little bit of money in a card. Sometimes a DVD for the family to watch today. She also acknowledged that even when Eth was away at school that Voight had still sent up a package to the kid with some chocolate and a couple packs of that season's Topps baseball cards or something. And those things were mostly still going to be pulled out overnight for the kid to have in the morning. His dad had still sent them along. And hopefully it didn't trigger him into some sort of boarding school episode or having to get that package alone. Though, he wouldn't exactly be alone. He just wouldn't be with his dad.

That likely had more to do with it. That and the fact that Olive and Henry likely would. Eth worried about his dad a lot. Vocally. He stewed. Eth had turned into a major fucking worrywort since Justin died. Jay knew if anything ever happened to his dad … or Erin, or maybe even him … on the job, they'd all likely be screwed. The poor kid might not be able to handle it. And maybe it wasn't really fair to him that they all worked the kind of jobs they did. The risks involved. But Jay didn't know how to change that for him. He didn't think that was a change that any of the three of them were willing to make. Or they weren't able.

The sandbox and a fucking kite kept getting mentioned. Over and over. Erin said it was one of those brain damaged things. Some stray fucking memory from his childhood that he'd latched on to. That there'd been a fucking kite out for the family one year at Easter. That they'd gone and flown it down at the lake. And now … Eth was like a broken record player about it. To the point that they'd told him that if … when … they headed out to the beach, they'd stop and buy him a fucking kite and try to get it in the air for him. Jay could think of better limited-use beach treats to buy for the kid. Some sort of shift for his shark teeth hunt. A fucking diving mask and snorkel. But now apparently it was going to be a kite. Which likely wasn't going to be quite as exciting as Eth had in his head.

Though, maybe all the sand would make up for it. It'd been such a fucking weird winter with so many mild periods - only for them to buried under snow the next day – that Eth had pretty much been talking about getting the fucking sandbox ready for Henry since about the end of January. Apparently in years gone by when Eth was a kid Voight didn't get on that until around the Mother's Day weekend when he was getting the garden ready for flowers and vegetables for his wife – and would dump a fresh load of sand and get things cleaned up for Eth in the box as some sort of early birthday present. But the guy must've been sick of hearing about the fucking sandbox too – because he'd told the kid it'd been ready by the time they got back from the trip.

Fine. Only now Eth had been stressing that his dad was going to let Henry play in it before they got back. Not that you exactly played in the sandbox with Henry. You pretty much just kept him from eating the sand. But apparently Eth being there to "play" with him for the first sandbox day of the season was a necessity. Not that Jay thought that Voight would really honor that. If Olive and Henry were over tomorrow – which he was mostly sure they would be, unless Olive once again decided she didn't want to be in the house and had Voight go over to the condo instead, which seemed a bit like a 50-50 draw still – and the kid showed an interest in the sandbox, or Olive showed interest in letting the kid get into the sandbox and supervising what the kid put in his mouth – Jay really doubted Hank was going to tell them that they had to wait until Eth got home. They just wouldn't tell Ethan. And they didn't have to worry about Henry having a motor mouth or a filter like Eth just yet. Though, Jay got the sense they might. The kid's vocabulary just kept growing and even if it wasn't words, he just was constantly making sounds. It was both incredible and really fucking annoying.

He was glad they could usually hand the kid back to Olive after about a two to four hour period on the days they ended up playing aunt and uncle. So maybe that said something about where he was at with being ready for parenting. Or maybe it just said it was different when it was your kids. Or maybe he'd suck with babies but he thought he'd be pretty decent with them after they could actually form words. Or maybe when they hit like … Eth's age. Pre-teens, teens. Maybe.

As it was they'd pretty much reached a quiet agreement that they weren't going to play up tomorrow being Easter too much. They weren't going to fall into some sort of teary babble about Justin missing another holiday. Because, reality was the guy was going to miss any and all holidays that made up the rest of Eth's life and he just needed to get used to it. But still … first holidays, no matter how trivial they were before or how many you or the dead person might've missed in the past always carried new meaning and weight after the person was gone. Jay got that. And he knew that Eth's whole way of grappling with existence was clinging to traditions, routines and schedules. So the plan was to just … distract him. As much as they could. Not blow it up to more than it ever was for the kid before. And not to do anything that might trigger him too much on a missing his dad, missing his mom or missing his brother landslide.

But that was tomorrow. And this was tonight. So … let the kid go and take pictures of the fucking cars and look at the fucking balloon. And let him and Erin get a bit of time where they weren't playing … whatever the fuck they were to Eth. Jay still didn't really know. It just became more fucking unclear with him. But maybe it was better to not place a definition on it.

Erin raised an eyebrow at him as Eth finally was allowed to make his escape.

"He's going to be fine," Jay put flatly.

She made a little noise and looked at the leftovers of their small plates meal that their server still hadn't come to retrieve. Apparently he was used to people packing away more than they had. Where they'd pack it away – just to take it back to the suite with them and throw in the fridge.

"He didn't eat very much," Erin muttered.

"He ate fine," Jay nodded at her.

Because Eth had. It'd actually been a real fucking treat for them. For all of them. And if this was any kind of indication of the sort of service they were going to get at their meal at Galactic Night tomorrow – even if they weren't getting Voight's cooking for their Easter meal, they were still definitely going to eat well.

The Rebel Launch Hangar had forewarning of their arrival time and Eth's dietary needs and restrictions. Jock's didn't – and the place had gone near fucking shockingly above and beyond.

To start the guy seating them had just passed if they were going to want the bread service with their meal. Hearing "bread service" pretty much had prompted Jay to give out an automatic no – because it screamed fucking expensive. But Erin had passively added with a gesture at Eth, "He can't have bread."

And that had kind of been it. The guy had just gone, "Oh, do you have special dietary needs?"

Answer: "Yes, he can virtually nothing – unless you have lettuce or plain, grilled chicken breast." Not that was actually how they answered. Instead Erin had spouted off his list of most common and troublesome restriction – which usually eliminated near everything he could eat in any restaurant beyond the said lettuce, chicken breast and maybe brown rice.

But no, the guy had gone, "Oh, I'm pretty sure our bread service can accommodate that. I'll have A CHEF come out."

A fucking chef. And the guy had. And not only had he gone over the whole fucking menu with them, telling them what Eth could and couldn't have or what he could make adjustments to so Eth could have, he'd also offered to pretty much make Eth whatever he wanted within reason, if there wasn't anything on the menu he was interested in. And then the FUCKING CHEF had literally walked out their food to them when it was read – complete with fucking little spears indicating that it was an "allergy" meal. And had again gone over what WASN'T in the food and what WAS with them before they dug in.

So – yeah – they did get told they could have the bread service. And the last time Eth had had anything that had even remotely resembled bread? It'd been fucking ages. And as far as Jay was concerned, the kid had dug in. Though, he seemed way less interested in the weird flat bread they'd brought out for him than the various dips, salads and spreads they'd had accompanying it. But that was a pretty teenaged thing to do. The bread was just a fucking vehicle for the mustard and the hummus.

It was a fucking "small plate" service restaurant too – which was probably meant to sound less sophisticated than calling it a tapas bar but still screamed "overpriced" to Jay. But he'd sort of looked at it as paying for the atmosphere, which was pretty neat no matter how fucking tacky it was. Did feel like he was eating in an Indiana Jones' Museum with all the little artifacts and props from the movie and little discreet nodes to the characters and adventures from that trilogy (they would not speak of the fourth – and would pretend the fifth one was never going to exist). So maybe more accurately, it felt like they were dining in Indy's favorite watering hole. In fact, a dude costumed as Indy had come in at one point and sat at the bar in a complete Indy outfit - whip and all.

But it wasn't just the atmosphere they were paying for. The food had been decent and really the service to accommodate Eth had gone above and fucking beyond. They'd been able to order stuff that the kid hadn't been able to have in a while. And a nice variety of food too.

Their server had advised them to order one more plate than there were people. They probably should've known better than that with how Eth ate even on his better days. Especially when they had the bread service with their food and him and Erin were working at taking in some liquid calories too. But he supposed maybe they'd all gotten a little too excited about the fact that Eth could order near anything he wanted off the menu.

So they'd gone with four plates. These pork belly sliders on bread Eth could eat with coleslaw he could eat and bacon-chimichurri fries he could eat (of which Jay didn't think him or Erin had gotten more than a taste of because the kid had pretty much claimed that sampling as his own from first bite). A spicy shrimp, bacon, arugula, roast tomato, basil and pesto flatbread – that even though it'd been shared, Erin had definitely managed to put a nice dent in it on her own. This plate of brats, yeast-free bagels and pickles – which Eth had also quickly claimed all the pickles and at least managed to eat a bit of a sausage. And these seared tuna tacos that Jay had been perfectly happy to work through on his own when Eth again declared he didn't like fish he didn't catch on his own and Erin decided she liked her tuna more than their definition of seared. She could be fucking picky about her fish and how it was cooked and served too. He was pretty fucking sure the two of them had been spoiled and corrupted by a woman who had been obsessed with fish and a man who seemed at his most likeable when he was cooking for his family. Picky. Jay thought the fish tacos were at least in his Top 10.

Though, Eth did make a valid point that there was little competing with the Del Champos at the 12th St. Beach. But as a Chicago born-and-bred boy, Jay was opt to admit that there was little that compared to grabbing food at a little mom and pop beach stand and then going and chowing down on the rocks while staring on a Lake Michigan while the sunset. Not that he'd really kicked around the same part of the city that Eth was getting to grow up in. But hard to get through your childhood in Chicago without spending some time – and making some trouble – along the lakeshore somewhere. So he wasn't going to argue that Indy's Incan Tacos were better than that. Because they likely weren't. Because there you were paying for the experience too. On the cheap.

All the food had even tackier names "inspired by" the movies. Characters and place names. The drink names were even fucking tackier. Eth had gotten this non-alcoholic Cool-Headed Monkey served in a glass that pretty much looked like something out of the Temple Of Doom – and like it should've contained brains not watermelon, pineapple and lime juice. But the kid had seemed to like it enough and had done a good job at drinking it all up – which was good considering how much the themed drink had cost. Him and Erin got some sort of "Air Pirate Mule" (which was pretty much bourbon and ginger beer) and a pineapple cider. They'd shared them - and were mostly just checking out the options to be different. But Jay didn't think either of them had really loved them. At all.

They were making up for that now, though. They'd ordered a "flight" of beer of that had literally come out on a serving tray that looked like an old wooden propeller. They were taking it slow and just nursing the four servings between them in their taste test. They weren't in a big rush. And one of them still had to drive them back across the city to their hotel. So they were taking their time. But had apparently bored Eth. Which, again, wasn't anything Jay was too upset about – if it was giving them some time alone to enjoy their vacation.

But now Erin was still doing the fretting thing and staring at their leftovers.

"Did you get enough?" she finally asked.

"Yea," he allowed. "Lots. Have more, if you want."

She shook her head. "I'm full," she provided but gestured a little defeatedly at Eth's plate that he hadn't cleared. He'd claimed food – but his eyes had been bigger than his stomach. "He hardly ate anything."

Jay gave her a little noise and she met his eyes. "Erin, he ate fine," he pressed. "He ate well at lunch today. He had a bit at breakfast. He ate some snacks. And I think he did pretty good tonight."

Because he had picked at the food. He had tried nearly everything that had been put in front of them – even if only to have a bite. And that was pretty good for a kid who was a picky eater on top of a restricted diet – and who was on so many fucking medications that he likely spent most of his life nauseated, all when wrapped into the reality that he was back on chemo. So nausea and changed taste and lower appetite was pretty par for the course. And Erin knew that.

But she still made her own noise and sunk back into her side of the bench a bit, her eyes drifting beyond him. There was a little jut in the waterfront that she could see from her side where a band was playing. So they were getting a bit of a free show too. Such as it was. Though, he didn't think she was listening to it all that much right then.

"I might get Hank to say something to him," she muttered, gazing at the band.

Jay sighed a bit. They really didn't need to get Hank involved. To give the fucking impression that they couldn't handle this – when they could. And it wasn't nearly as much of an issue that Erin was making it to me. At all.

"We just ordered too much food," he offered. "You're feeling like he didn't eat enough because you looked at the prices on the menu. Don't. We knew eating out here was going to be expensive. We're eating most of our meals in our suite. We budgeted for this. We don't go out anymore. So just … enjoy it. Er, it's vacation."

"Yea …," she allowed and shook her head a bit, rotating to gaze into the indoor area of the restaurant. "Did you want to go sit inside?" she offered.

Jay gave his head its own little shake. "Spent enough time indoors today," he allowed.

Which was true. Most of the Space Center had been inside. And, they'd had some time to look around at the interior of the restaurant while they waited to be seated and he took his time browsing a bit while he went to the can anyway too. That was enough. He'd give that Disney and Universal sure seemed to have a fucking way at the themeing thing. They made it look just like you remembered from the movies. They hit all that nostalgia marks to stir up memories of your childhood. And part of him was sort of liking that. And another part of him wasn't.

Because it was making him think a lot about childhood. About his mom. And his grandfather. And Will. It was mostly making him think of the good times. But that always just seemed to make him think of the bad too. His life definitely hadn't been a fucking Disney movie.

But somehow … he didn't know. It was sort of nice to have some reminders of when him and Will did get along. Sort of. When they were still kids. When it still felt like he had an older brother. Or at least a brother who had his back in some way. Who was around and wanted him around. Who'd play with him and watch junk movies with him. And go on fucking adventures and fishing trips with him between the fighting and the wrestling and the typical sibling bickering and rivalry with Will being his father's son and Jay being his mother's. But then it'd gone to hell. Badly. Maybe teen years did that to him. Maybe it did it to a lot of siblings. Maybe that was just part of growing up. But Jay more felt like it was his father who did it to them. TO all of them. And that just always cast a shadow over even the happy moments he could find. The childhood memories that almost seemed normal – but just still weren't.

"I am going to move over here, though," he allowed and pulled himself out of the hard metal seat that looked like it was out of the 1940s to settle himself on the bench Erin had been occupying with Eth. He sunk back into the cushions in the corner next to her and joined her in the gaze across the water at the band. It seemed like a better thing to be listening to and thinking about than any of the thoughts he had running through his head.

She allowed him a thin smile at that and leaned into him a bit – actually accepting his presence in public in a very public way. A way they didn't even do that publicly in Chicago – because most places they did drink people knew them and even though everyone knew they were together, they still tried to keep up some level of decorum. But they weren't in Chicago right now. They weren't at Molly's. They were at Jock's. And he wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she handed him one of the beers to work on and she opt to taste test another while they just focused on the music for a bit.

"Think you're going to go see if you can get a poster signed by them? Know the perfect spot for it," he teased.

She made a mildly amused sound and arched her eyebrow, looking at him with complete fucking sass. "On that wall that's holding your fucking monstrosity of a television," she suggested.

"Oh," he allowed, giving her a smile and rolling his head against the back of the booth a bit, "I know you love my flatscreen."

"You're confused," she muttered and then added more directly, "again."

It earned her another smile. She could say she hated the TV as much as she wanted. He didn't really believe her. She thought it was maybe slightly excessively large. And maybe she had a point – slightly. But she still watched the thing. With him. Together.

They stared at the band and the water a bit more until Erin pushed herself away from him just slightly to reach the table and return the beer she'd been working on. He thought maybe she didn't like it – as there was quite a bit left. Or maybe she was just leaving a few mouthfuls for him to try. He was a bit more picky about his beer than her. Though, he knew it hadn't always been that way. For either of them.

"You OK if I try this one?" she asked of the black beer from Japan that had come out in the flight. Apparently Jock was quite cultured in his beer drinking travels.

He shrugged. "Yea …" Because that's pretty much how it was anymore. She shouldn't even have to ask. And, beyond that, she'd know that Japanese beer wasn't really his thing. Nor was beer any "black" beer that had hints of chocolate or coffee. Two things that he didn't think beer should taste like. At all.

She took a careful sip and seemed to consider it but kept it in hand as she settled back against him.

"How is it?" Jay asked.

"Hmm …," she did her Voight-nurtured grunt and offer the glass to him. But he shook his head. A grunt like that told him enough.

She took some more slow gulps as they just hung out. Something that usually felt like they didn't do much of. At least not in public. Maybe at home. But lately it really just felt like they were always busy and always moving. Or running to something. Or away from something. Clinging to business as a form of distraction. There was something to be said for slowing down. They needed that. Even if it was in fucking Orlando. At theme parks. With Eth. And as much as that counted as slowing down. At least it was a break from their daily lives.

"Hear we should likely go look for Indy memorabilia for Will tomorrow," she said finally and gave him a bit of a look. It was teasing.

He snorted some small amused, annoyance. He knew it was Eth who'd suggested this restaurant stop for dinner. Had given up his chance at TRex Café. And Jay appreciated that on multiple levels. But hadn't realized until she gave him that look that in informing her of that decision, Eth had gone and babbled information from about a 10-month-old conversation. He shouldn't be surprised. Eth and his fucking filter. Just when you thought he was getting better about it – he ended up opening his big mouth. Forget Eth's disabilities making it a challenge for him to get into CPD – it might ultimately be that fucking filter of his that kept him from getting the kind of security clearance he needed to ever work a job in some of the specialized units. Or with any kind of fucking intelligence.

"Sure," was all Jay allowed, though. Casually and with another swig at his own beer. "He'd likely like that."

Erin made her little noise that she did when he didn't take the bait and play the banter game. But she still settled a bit more against him.

"How come I don't get to hear stories like that?" she asked.

He shrugged a bit. "Don't know. Never came up."

"But it did with Eth?" she said with a touch of hurt.

Jay only shrugged again and took another swig. "We were over by that tree, cling," he allowed. "Fishing."

Erin gave a little nod, accepting the answer. But she was quiet for a bit. "You had an OK day, right?" she asked.

"Mmm …," he allowed around the rim of his glass as he brought it down from his mouth. "Yea."

"You were a little quiet," she provided, giving him another look. This one was more a direct examination of him.

He shook his head a bit and looked at the water with a little sigh. "No," he allowed. "I really enjoyed it. Guess … it just made me think a bit about … childhood."

"Your grandfather?" she put to him. "The cabin?"

He shrugged and met her eyes. "Yea," he allowed. "And my mom. And Will," he provided, gesturing at the Indy fantasy the were sitting in.

Erin gave him a little frown. "We could've eaten somewhere else."

He arched his eyebrow at her. "No," he intoned. "Are you kidding? This place is amazing. It's just … you know …?"

And she allowed her own little sound and nod. Because he knew she did. He knew she was thinking about the woman who'd actually done the hard work of raising her. Knew she was thinking a bit about Hank. And knew stuff about Justin. And Eth when he was littler. And just the family life she'd once had and likely was a lot more normal than it was now. So she got it.

Nostalgia had a way of bringing up good and bad. Theme parks didn't seem like exactly the happiest place on Earth for all the winning of hearts and minds propaganda they tried.

"What was your count today?" she asked after a heavy pause. Because maybe neither of them really wanted to go dwelling on the sadness too much. And this was a slightly more amusing game they'd been playing the past few days. Not that it was exactly a happy one either.

"Ah …," he thought about it for a moment. "Four ...?"

She looked up at him. "Five," she put to him.

He squinted at her. "Really?"

She nodded. "The woman in the gift shop," she said.

"Ah …," Jay allowed. He hadn't been over at the counter when Eth was paying for the mug for his dad. But he wasn't surprised any little old lady would assume that Eth was Erin's. Actually, at this point in the trip, it was pretty apparent that most people who looked at them just assumed they were Eth's parents.

"I think we're officially old," Erin muttered.

Jay let out his own grunt at that. "No," he allowed. "I think it officially means we look like we're in our thirties—"

"I'm not in my thirties," Erin grumbled.

"You're thirty," he cast her a look.

"That is not 'in my thirties'," she clarified, finding his eyes.

A grin spread across his face at the complete absurdity of that statement. "You're like two weeks away from being 'in your thirties'," he provided.

"Don't remind me," she said and shifted her eyes to the water. "You know how I feel about my birthday."

He gripped her a bit tighter at that. Because he did. And he knew Nadia was on the list of things she didn't much like talking about – and when she did it was usually teary. And involved too many layers of guilt to fully articulate. It was too much baggage.

"I thought your last birthday was pretty good," he offered.

She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. "Until it got us into trouble …"

He set his chin against her head. "That wasn't trouble," he tried. "That was just life."

"Or just another loss of life," she said softly.

He sighed and shifted to find her eyes. She met them but then looked beyond him out at the water again. Because it was on the list of sad and depressing topics they likely didn't want to talk about on a vacation that they were trying to make the best of. To get away from the sad and depression realities that seemed to haunt their daily lives more than not.

"I was going to say that we look like we're in our thirties and Eth looks like he's like ten. So it's pretty acceptable that people would just assume he's ours," he tried, letting the topic shift slightly.

She made a quiet noise. "So now we're the parents who let their ten-year-old go wandering around Disney on his own?"

Jay shrugged and put his mouth back against her hair, smiling into it. "I think I'm OK with that when it means we don't have to endure the TRex Café gift shop with him."

That got an amused noise from her. "No kidding …," she allowed.

Not that it was likely going to entirely save them from it. Eth was so indecisive, Jay fully expected that he'd come back with a list of things he'd seen and want them to go into the store with him and tell him what he should get. In reality, it'd be them telling him not to spend his money on stupid-ass shit. And he'd probably concede they were right. And then they'd have the conversation again in the Lego store. And they'd likely have it on repeat again tomorrow at all the Star Wars gift shops. And again in Harry Potter World. Basically – they'd be having it every fucking day of the trip. They already were.

"We haven't really talked about it for a while …," he allowed after a long beat.

She glanced up a him. "About what?" Erin asked but he just gazed at her. She made a sound. "Jay, I don't want to talk about that. Not here. Not now. Any of it. Not my birthday. Not Nadia. Not the miscarriage."

"Not that," Jay said. "Trying …"

She squinted at him and sat up slightly, examining him. Weighing their surroundings. Measuring how serious he was about even broaching this – here, now. But he knew she must be … feeling it on some level. Here. Now. With the time of year. With all the families around them. With the way it made you think about your own childhood. With people thinking Eth was theirs. Just … all of it, wrapped up into the baggage they'd been carrying all year. The way it'd been growing and changing.

"We talked about it around Christmas … SWAT," she finally said, running her hand through her hair with that touch of nervousness to it. "January."

"I know," he allowed. "But, we haven't really since then. Not really."

She measured him more. "I thought … I thought … we'd decided to wait until after you transferred out."

He sight and sank into the booth's bench again, lulling his head against the back and running his hand up his forehead to his matted tough of bangs that really didn't need any product to sit up with the kind of humidity they were in and in the hat-head he knew he must be sporting that night. But she was right. That was pretty much where the last serious – last really real conversation – they'd had about had been left. Not that it hadn't come up again – and again – since then. But it was in passing. Fleeting. Not a sit down and have a heart-to-heart, life-planning conversation like they'd had four months ago.

"I guess I've been thinking a lot about that lately too," he said.

She leaned her shoulder against the booth and pulled her knee up onto the bench staring at him. Waiting on him to say more. He shifted his eyes to connect with eyes. And he could see – could feel – that they were actually really connected in that moment. Maybe more than they'd let themselves slow down and connect for in months … really.

"I … have been feeling like … it's getting close to being time for me to move on," he allowed.

"You don't have to do that," Erin said firmly.

"Yea …, I do," Jay said.

She sighed at him. "Jay," she put to him firmly, reaching and finding his hand. He accepted her grip. "I've told you. It's fine. I'm OK with waiting on getting the marriage licence. I'm OK on waiting a few years more to start a family."

He tilted his head, staring at her. "I love you."

She squeezed his hand tighter. "I know," she said. "I love you too. And that's … why … it's fine. I'm OK waiting."

He shook his head. "I know and part of me … I wanna stay. But … it's not even …," he sighed and shifted his eyes away from hers for a moment, giving the band and the water a brief glimpse before he found hers again – now even more concerned. "The … therapy … I've been going to." She allowed a little nod. Because she knew the deal too. She knew why he was doing it and then why he really needed it. And as much as Eth and rock-climbing was the convenient excuse for him to start that – it wasn't why he was there or why he needed it. "It's just … it's brought a lot of things up. This winter. And I don't like the person I was … back then. And then … some of the cases we've had the past few months … they've been hard for me."

"I know …," she allowed, squeezing his hand harder. He shifted, pulling his knee up on the bench too to face her more too.

"And sometimes … I just … I don't know what the fuck we're doing in Intelligence anymore. And … Antonio gone. And Al?" he shook his head. Because he didn't even know what to say about all that.

"I know …," she agreed quietly again.

"Just … more and more … I keep feeling like … maybe Intelligence is the best place for me anymore. Some days I just feel like … I shouldn't even be there right now."

She rubbed her thumb across the top of his hand. "Do you think SWAT would be better for you?" she asked gently.

He let out a long breath – from that anxious brick that was pressing against his chest. Maybe one that had been sitting there since February. Since his fucking undercover assignment. A he avoided getting in front of all this. Avoid dealing with how he was feeling. With really – truly – talking to her about it. With seeing if SWAT was even still an option. When he hadn't done much of anything beyond talk around it at therapy.

"I don't know," he finally allowed, shaking his head and looking at her. "I kind of feel like yea, it would. The planning, the organization, the precision of it. Practice, drills, weapon care. I'd be good at it."

"You would," she agreed. "But … would it be … too much like the Rangers? Triggering?"

"I …," he sighed. "I don't know. I that's something I need to go figure out. But … I don't think I'd know until I did it for a while."

"What's your therapist say?" Erin asked – directly but carefully.

He shook his head. "We've gone over pros and cons of it," he allowed. "But … I feel … like it'd be better for me than some of the … shit we're dealing with lately. That it'd be structure. Practiced routines. Muscle memory. Go in. Do the job. Leave."

"But would you really leave?" she pressed. And that was the underlying question. Because had he ever really left Afghanistan – even though he'd been home more than eight years.

"I think so …," he allowed. "Because … I've got reason to leave now." He squeezed her hand in his. "And … I see … I understand better now … what you've meant about Eth being a stabilizing force for you. That I've got … not just people's memories to honor and do right by now. That I've got reasons … really fucking good reasons … to be stable and healthy. To want to be a better man. And … that just … even not having kids yet … it's already got me … wanting to be that way for them. To be that way when they get here. But … I feel like I don't want to keep grappling with this and waiting another year or two years to even start trying to get to meet them. It makes me feel like … I should be making those changes now. Being that guy now. So … yea … I feel like maybe we should at least be talking about my transfer again and about SWAT again and about trying to have a baby again."

She gave him a thin little smile and held his hand tight, near crushing his knuckles in her small hand. But, "Yea, we should," she agreed.

And he felt like he got to take his first real, deep breath in months.

AUTHOR NOTE:

OK. So I've got a ton of DMs and questions in comments/reviews lately.

I don't have a ton of time to respond to all of them but I'll try for the short version of some of them.

Yes. I still plan to continue this story. How fast that will actually happen and when, I don't know. I'll pick away at it. Honestly, it might sort of fizzle out over the coming months as I'm becoming less and less interested in CPD to the point that I'm not watching weekly anymore and have pretty much dropped Fire and Med and I haven't tried Justice yet. Basically, S4 has lost me. I might give it a chance in S5, because historically a lot of shows have a shitty S4. S5s are a bit of a shitstorm. Sometimes they're the best season of a series. And sometimes they're trying so hard to rectify the messes they'd made previously that it just gets even worse and even more unrealistic, out of the cannon and out of character. Given the whole "One Chicago" complicated, expositional, soap operatic mess we've been forced to watch "evolve", I don't have high hopes for S5 either.

As for what's coming up:

-I'll try to do a Wizarding World of Harry Potter chapter, as I feel it's important to complete the Florida arc.

-I'd still like to do a Star Wars park chapter because I think it'd be fun but I don't really know how to structure it. So I'm not sure if that will happen.

-I have a Hank/Al chapter set on the homefront while they rest in Florida that I plan on doing. It'd include some reference to Lexi.

-I might do a Hank/Ethan chapter for basically just after they get home to do some reflection and rundown of other fun bits that I don't really feel like dedicating whole chapters to. And also to give some Hank thoughts and insight.

-I'd like to do a Hank/Erin chapter that would be set after E17 — using some themes but NOT based on the storyline or character introduction they did in the episode.

That brings us to the many questions I've had about E17.

In brief my thoughts are … some of you might remember that I said that Jay and Erin would break up (or at least take a break) by the end of the season. Some of argued with me about that. But, sorry people … conflict is drama. It was a given. So that didn't exactly surprise me at all.

As for them bringing in the ex and what it did for the character arc and development of Halstead … I think it's ridiculous. Both in terms of doing the break up/break of Erin/Halstead and in terms of the previously established backstory and character arc of Jay. I think there are LOTS of ways they could have accomplished that character develop (him dealing with his past, PTSD, revisiting his life in the Rangers and as a vet now) without having to have gone that completely out-of-character, out-of-storyline route that just makes CPD another primetime soap. And there is a GIANT list of ways they could've accomplished the break/break up without them having to have even include any beat in Jay's story or character arc. And if they did want that beat to be his — again, lots of other ways to have done it when you think about his PTSD and past.

As for if I will be including E17 in my AU — no. I actually feel when we are talking thematically in terms of character arc and development — I've addressed a lot of Jay's past issues already. I might play with some of in terms of themes again and spin it into the story — but it'd be nothing shockingly new to my readers. Because — yes, Jay has PTSD; yes, Jay has trouble communicating; yes, Jay has a dark past and his own issues and baggage. This is all things we know and have dealt with in these stories before.

In the above mentioned chapter with Erin/Hank (if/when I do it), it'd deal more with themes relating to that — baggage and communication in the context of a relationship and the implications of Jay not communicating well or shutting down when he often pushes Erin to be more of an open book and to get in front of things and can be very judgemental. So that will likely be as much as you'd see from E17 tricking in. And, again, I don't feel that's anything new at all for this AU and the character as depicted in these stories.

As for if I've ever done a chapter from Ethan's POV — no. That has been purposeful. Will I ever do a chapter from Eth's POV? I don't know. Yes, I agree that it could be fun, interesting and insightful — but it would have to be a very specific kind of chapter dealing with a certain kind of theme and situation for it to write well. There have been chapters in the past where I've considered writing them from Eth's POV but ultimately didn't. And right now I'd have to really think about what sort of theme or situation I could place them in to have an effective scene. Writing children's/tween's thoughts and dialogue can be pretty challenging. Though, a lot of fun. But it has to be in really structured situations and placed well to work effectively.

As for how many of the rides mentioned at Universal Islands of Adventure and Kennedy Space Center really exist … well most of that can be found online.

Again, the short answer is — most of them do exist. Some of them don't exist at the park in Orlando but do exist at the one in Hollywood or the ones in Asia (apparently there are several over there). Or some of them previously existed at the park but have since closed.

Very briefly … the triceratops attraction has closed in Orlando. The Discovery Center exists — it includes most of the attractions mentioned but not the Mr. DNA ride. The Flying Dinosaur rollercoaster exists in Asia and is apparently basically the Manta ride at SeaWorld in Orlando. The Canopy Copter kiddie rollercoaster exists under a different name in Orlando but is called Canopy Flyer or something somewhere in Asia but is a slightly different ride. The Camp Jurassic exists. The River Adventure exists. The Amber Mine Escape is the only one that does not exist, though there'd been talk about including it back in the height of Universal and Jurassic Park mayhem. Apparently. It's kind of like Big Thunder Mountain (I think that's what it's called … at Disney?). And, Indominus' Reign would be Kong's Reign. Which does exist. And actually was slated to be a Jurassic Park ride for years and years but then … for whatever reason they went with Kong.

As far as I know everything I mentioned at Kennedy Space Center exists in some form. I think what I mentioned about Harry Potter so far exists. I've made some stuff up (and/or included old attractions or ones that are not yet open) in the mentions about their planned Disney/Star Wars day.

I'll try to remember to give a rundown on what exists or doesn't exist if/when I do anymore Florida chapter — if I have time. Because apparently some people care? And they don't like Google as much as Jay?

And, finally, I haven't watched this week's episode yet. And I don't read a lot of spoilers, so I don't know what's happening in next week's episode to have any opinion on it yet.

Hopefully that hits on most of the points and provides some thoughts and insights.

Again, thanks for your interest and your readership. Thoughts, comments, reviews and feedback on the chapters are always much appreciated.