A/N: Rejoice, peasants, for I finally give you what you have requested! ... sort of.

casualmoose: First of all, I really like your penname! Second, THANK YOU! I'm so happy you've enjoyed the story/characters so much! Thank you for reading and the awesome review. Please let me know what you think of the coming chapters!

sarahmichellegellarfan1: Thank you as always! You're the best!

missalex3030: Yes, that's exactly right. He's aware of Bellatrix and Barty now and went against their orders to not contact his friends because he wanted to protect Rowan, though he obviously can't tell Remus that. Thanks for the review as always! ^^

S38: Thanks for the incredibly thoughtful review! You raise some really good points/questions, and I'm so thrilled that the story has drawn interesting comparisons to the themes of the original work for you. Yes, I will be following canon still mostly - Harry can't become the Boy Who Lived without Lily and James dying, after all T-T As for the Secret Keeper, you'll see... ^^

Lovirosa: Hahaha you're so cute! Your reviews always make me smile. Thank you, and please enjoy! It's [sort of] what you wanted?

REVIEW MEEEEEE!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 39: Of the Relief and Sorrow of Rain

A week passed quietly after the mission in Wigtown, and Rowan was grateful to not hear from Remus since their weekly Order meeting. She'd buried herself in her work to block the thoughts of him and Evan Rosier from crawling back into her head; however, it seemed that no matter what she did, either the dark images of Rosier's final curses or the feeling of Remus' arms around her made their way back into her mind. At random moments, she'd succumbed to strange bouts of anger directed aimlessly, eventually dissolving into quiet tears and silent rage. She'd also found herself frequently waking in the middle of the night coated in a thin sheen of cold sweat and stomach seizing with fear and fury.

Rowan had tried to take Remus, James, and Dumbledore's words to heart, but while the bitter taste left in her mouth from the massacre at Lestrange Manor was slowly fading away with each day, Remus' sudden disappearance from her apartment had hurt much more than she'd expected. She had finally stopped missing his involvement in her life as more than a friend, and then he'd wormed his way back into it and then disappeared just as quickly.

As always, she thought bitterly.

Really, shouldn't she have known? She never should have allowed him to step foot in her flat after the mission. She should have asked for her key back months ago. He still had it now! She had no one to blame but herself for being in this terrible relationship – or whatever it was. She hated the anger and feelings of spite she was beginning to feel towards Remus – after all, he was just as lost as she was – but it was growing more and more difficult with each day to not resent him as well.

She'd gone back to see Derek McKinnon once more at St. Mungo's, but he sadly remained unresponsive. Beyond that, she'd spent all of her time in her lab at Delacroix Manor and in her apartment playing her violin. She'd considered putting aside the sheet music that Barty had given her for her birthday the month before but decided it'd be a waste. They were surprisingly sad pieces – not what she would have expected from him – and they were quickly becoming part of her regular repertoire.

Alfred and her mother had been eyeing her warily for the past week. Carole had confronted her after a few days of this routine of eerily quiet work, but Rowan had brushed it off. She knew she couldn't completely hide it from her mother – no doubt Carole and Alfred had put the news of the Wigtown Death Eater massacre and her sudden depression together – but she couldn't stand the thought of talking about what had happened with either of them. As an Order member, she wasn't even allowed to discuss it. She just hoped they'd continue to accept that excuse.

It was finally the first day of September, and the sky was very gray though the weather was still hot. She'd spent most of the afternoon in her lab studying for her P.A.T.s and going over her old notes from her work in Belby's shop, but the dark whispers in her mind began to prove too much for her to concentrate efficiently. She left with a brief goodbye to Alfred and her mother and Apparated back to London with the beginning clenches of simmering anger in her stomach.

As soon as Rowan hit the pavement of her street, she immediately took her shoes off. A few people stared at her as she tore the socks and trainers from her feet and walked barefoot on the hot sidewalk, but she didn't care. It was sickeningly humid, and the air stuck to her like an extra layer of skin. Her mind was a deaf downpour, and all she wanted to do was peel her clothes off and play her violin in her underwear for the rest of the afternoon until the voices subsided. She crawled up the stairs quietly to her flat with the cool wood pressing into her feet soothingly, and as she opened the door, she threw her shoes to the side. She leaned against the door with her eyes closed and released a sigh that she hadn't known she'd been holding. The cool air of her apartment seeped into her muscles.

"Rowan."

She jumped with a slight yelp and thrust her wand blindly forward. Her lungs heaved with fear, but as she looked around wildly, she saw that Remus stood at her table with wide eyes and hands up. She froze for a moment, staring at him blankly. The panic slowly dripped away, and as she lowered her wand, she ran a hand through her hair with quickly building anger. Her arms fell limply to her sides.

"Order of fucking Merlin… Seriously?" she asked irritably."You can't just come into my apartment whenever you want anymore! It's completely inappropriate!"

He was the last person she wanted to see, and he, of course, had decided to come see her on her moodiest day yet this week. Why did he always seem to show up when she was at her worst?

Remus grimaced with guilt. "I'm sorry. I just needed to see you," he said quietly. Rowan snorted.

"Well, you've seen me," she said, limply flopping her arms. She moved from the doorway towards her wardrobe and began undressing, apathetic to Remus' eyes. It didn't really matter anymore – he'd seen it all, and she was angry beyond decorum. She almost hoped it hurt him to see what he had given up – she wanted him to regret ever leaving her.

"I mean I needed to talk to you," he continued. She yanked her blouse over her head with mild frustration and threw it to the side with her laundry. She pulled a t-shirt and pair of shorts from her wardrobe then started shimmying out of her jeans.

"I've been thinking… about the other morning," he added. She unhooked her bra and added it to the pile, suddenly feeling much cooler as she pulled the clean t-shirt shirt over her head.

"And?" she asked blandly.

She wasn't sure if she much cared anymore. It all seemed so petty now. The dark urges were gone, thanks in part to him, but it didn't matter if she was understood her anger or if he was there or not. He had been so close and then he was gone, as always. Their moment had passed, and time was quickly moving again beyond it. She flicked her wand. A clinking glass floated from the cabinets and towards the sink. She flicked her wand again, and the faucet filled the glass with cold water. It then shot to her hand, and she drank it down with relish. She felt it trickle icily down her throat, spreading throughout her stomach.

"I saw Barty the other day," he said suddenly.

Rowan's mouth twisted with confusion but ignored it. She'd hear him out, wait for an opening, and then make him leave. She wasn't going to put up with his misplaced jealousy any longer. She placed the glass on the dresser with a light clink of glass against wood.

"And?" she asked again impatiently.

"Have you seen him recently?" he asked. The light tone of his voice gave her pause, but then she heard the rumble in his throat at the end. She felt a slow burning in her gut in anticipation.

"A few days ago," she said defiantly. She punctuated her statement with a turn and sharp look. She was startled to see his eyes were burning angrily. He hadn't shown so much jealousy over Barty in ages, and certainly not to her face. It only served to fuel her own anger.

"You need to break things off with him," he growled. A normal person would've asked, not ordered, she reasoned angrily. She tore her gaze away from him spitefully, and she could feel his anger flare in response.

"Actually, he asked to make things more official," she said venomously. She was leaving out the fact that she had indeed broken up with Barty, but she didn't want to give him any reason to feel satisfied. She wanted him to hurt. She wanted the wounds to be as painful as he'd left hers. She glanced out the window and saw the gray sky swirling. It would rain soon. A small twinge of relief twanged through her stomach. Perhaps they would finally be relieved of the humidity.

But then rough hands grasped her wrists and she was being jerked forward. His eyes burned into her. She felt herself falter but held onto her wits desperately.

"And what did you tell him?" Remus breathed angrily. She felt his heat soak into her skin.

Her mind swam for a moment from the overwhelming waves before her eyes refocused. Her temper flared again, and she pushed him away from her roughly. He staggered, but barely, still standing only a foot away from her. It felt like no space at all.

"What do you fucking care?" she snarled.

She grabbed the glass from the dresser and stomped towards the sink. She heard him stalk after her swiftly and quietly, but she ignored him. She slapped the faucet handle roughly, and the room was filled with the singing of running water. It bounced over her coolly. She felt relieved just from the sound. She breathed it in, soothing her burning lungs, as it filled her glass again.

"Rowan," Remus finally said from behind her. He spoke softly, contritely. She felt vindicated and savored it. But she continued to ignore him. She turned the running water off and took another long gulp from her glass.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

Her eyebrows furrowed with lips squeezed together. She stared hard at the clear glass, which was now clasped tightly between her hands. Her reflection was strangely distorted in its surface. Perhaps the Rowan she saw there was actually one in another parallel universe. How would their stories differ in the end?

A hand touched her shoulder softly, and once again, she felt him turning her slowly towards him. But instead of stare weakly at his chest as she had in so many situations before, she met his gaze hotly. She was determined to finally see this resolved this time.

"I'm sorry for leaving the other day. I just…" He wrung his hair with nervous fingers. "I just needed to think. I can never think clearly around you," he said quietly.

She held in a snort but still spoke dully, "I was under the impression you didn't think at all."

He gave a small rueful smile. The small scar on his upper lip stretched with his mouth. It was so endearing, so very like him. She hated the way it quelled the fire in her stomach slightly. She mentally stoked it again so it continued to burn, determined not to let him win.

"Maybe," he admitted quietly. His fingers danced against hers softly. She wanted to swat them away but couldn't find purchase over her own hands.

"This is… hard for me to say," he continued quietly. She saw the muscle in his jaw twitch with effort again, eyes darting around her face searchingly. "I've spent nearly a year denying everything I've felt, trying to convince myself that I could let you go when the time came. It's… difficult to come to terms with all of it."

Her throat constricted. So he was finally going to leave her for good - good. She held her chin high. She wouldn't cry in front of him, not this time. She would stay strong in front of this man. He didn't deserve to see her tears again.

"I made a promise to your father… right before he died," he said. Rowan's eyes widened at the sudden thought of Richard. Her chest ached as his face flashed at the back of her mind.

Remus grimaced knowingly but continued. "He made me promise that when the war was over, I'd either commit to you or leave you completely. I-" he paused. Rowan wondered if her lungs had turned to stone.

"I told him I'd leave you – that I'd let you move on," he admitted quietly. His eyes didn't meet hers, and she couldn't be sure if it was with remorse or consideration for her feelings. Her stomach tightened with nausea, sickened at how much of an effect he still had on her. She turned her head away as well with simmering shame.

"Why are you telling me this?" she whispered. His head jerked up to see her staring dully at the dying monkshood blossoms at the end of her counter. The purple flowers had shriveled and darkened, nearly gray. She wanted to see them burn.

"You didn't have to tell me any of this. I could've guessed that's what you'd do on my own," she said bitterly. The little bit of water that remained at the bottom of the glass vase was brown and cloudy. Dead bits of leaves and petals floated in it. She imagined that she was one of the leaves.

"No," Remus whispered.

Rowan felt herself recoil at his protest, but she kept her gaze averted. She was afraid to meet his eye – afraid of how she'd react to what she saw there. He had already seen her weaknesses too thoroughly. She didn't need to fall apart in front of him again.

But then she felt gentle hands cup her jaw softly, turning her face so that she had to look at him. She raised her chin defiantly at him, eyes burning. He gazed at her tenderly with so much regret and shame that she wanted to cry in spite of herself. But she swallowed it down and kept her face hard. She wouldn't back down now.

"I made a promise to your father," he admitted. "But I have to break it."

Rowan felt her stomach hit her heart. Every muscle in her body clenched painfully. She couldn't breathe.

"I ran away from you the other day like a coward, right when you needed me the most," he said ruefully. His grasp on her face was so warm. The pads of his fingers were so familiarly rough, and yet so gentle. He smiled guiltily "It seems I'm always doing that with you. I just… I couldn't think. I had to think about what I needed to do, what I wanted.

"And I've always wanted you," he said fervently. Rowan felt her lips tremble and berated herself mentally for the small lapse in self-control. "Always – it's always been you. But I've proven to myself over and over again that I can't protect you.

"But I've realized that I've been leaning on that excuse for much too long, and that's exactly what it is – an excuse," he said bitterly. Rowan's brows furrowed with simultaneous understanding and confusion. The mixture was mentally overwhelming.

"I've used you to punish myself for my own weaknesses, and in the process, I've hurt you even more," he admitted remorsefully. "I've left you to suffer alone, silently. It's shameful how weak I am.

"I told your father that I'd leave you, but I've shown myself again and again that I can't. I can't. I want to be with you, to share my life with you in all ways, even if that means hurting you.

"So please – please - be with me. I won't share you, not with Barty, not with anyone," he whispered. Rowan's lips trembled against her will. She felt heat burn behind her eyes.

"I want all of you, and I promise to give you everything I have and am in return. Please, Rowan," he whispered.

He pressed his forehead against hers, and his words sank into her skin like warm rain. His heat was overwhelming. Her head swam. She fought desperately to make sense of her screaming thoughts. They seemed to speak in a language she didn't understand.

"You've said all of this before," she whispered bitterly.

Remus pulled away slowly, still holding her face between his hands. His eyes burned into hers, mouth twisting with grief. His eyes shined so brightly that they stung her, but she kept strong. She pushed forward.

"You've left me twice now," she said, a little more firmly. She made sure her gaze remained hard. "The first time you asked me to give you another chance, you said you'd take anything I had to offer, and yet you pushed me away again right when I needed you most. Isn't there a saying about someone being likely to do something they've already done once? How can you seriously expect me to believe you?"

She pulled away from him gently, and Remus' hands fell away from her slowly. His eyes searched her face desperately. She held his gaze evenly, challengingly.

"What can I do?" he asked quietly.

Rowan ran her eyes over his features. His lips were twisted sadly, eyes melting with guilt. She knew every line, every scar by heart. She could sculpt his likeness blindly from memory using just her fingers and clay, and yet she couldn't be sure if she knew him at all.

"I don't know," she said tiredly. She looked away finally. Her limbs felt very heavy, fatigued. They were no longer sore from the mission at Lestrange Manor, but she felt a dull ache score through her again. His fingers grazed hers beseechingly, but she balled her fists tightly in response. She wouldn't give in this time.

"Give me a chance," he breathed. She felt his breath against her temple as he leaned forward. She suppressed a shiver. "Just one more chance, Rowan. Please."

She closed her eyes and felt her head bow. She felt like she was seventeen again in the boys' dorm, being swept away by his familiar touch and pretty words of devotion. But she wasn't a teenager anymore. She was a soldier now. She had scars that would never heal, nightmares that might not fade for a long time to come. Theirs wasn't a story of school romance anymore, and who knew if there was a happy ending for either of them.

"I just don't know, Remus," she whispered.

They stood in silence for what seemed like a small eternity. She felt the room sway around her gently, like waves lapping onto the shore. His fingers grazed the tightness of her fists, but just barely. She nearly expected him to spirit away with the quickly fading light of the evening.

Rowan kept her gaze on his chest, ignoring the heat that pooled between them. His words grazed her face, combed through her hair. A part of her screamed, begging with her to believe him, but at this point, words didn't mean anything. She'd heard them all before.

There was a light pattering on the window – it had begun to rain.

"I will always love you," he said. His voice harmonized with the soft sounds of water. "And I'll keep trying to win you back, no matter how long it takes."

Rowan's eyes stung hotly, but she bit the tears away. How could he continue to be so cruel? She refused to show weakness to him. She'd keep firm in this. She thought her entire body might burst into flames.

"I still can't believe you," she whispered. She couldn't even bear to look at him.

He didn't respond, but his grasp on her hands remained. They felt so strange there. The longer she thought about it, the more alien his touch seemed – after all, they'd been broken up for nearly a year now. Didn't it make sense to not remember his touch well anymore? Parents and friends lost, injuries sustained and scars engraved – hadn't they both changed immensely since they'd split up?

"Tell me what to do," he finally said. His hands left hers and nudged her gaze upward so that she locked eyes with him. His expression was so heated, eyes blazing. She didn't know how she wasn't burning away beneath his hands.

"I will do anything to win your trust back, but I know that it will take time," he said fervently. Her lips trembled, but she no longer had the will to fight it. "If you need months, even years, to forgive me, I understand. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it."

Rowan searched his face for even a flicker of uncertainty, but his gaze was unbreakable. She was so confused.

"What's happened to you in the past week that's made you change your mind so suddenly?" she asked incredulously.

Remus seemed to remember something funny. His mouth twitched into a gentle smile. She wanted to hate it desperately.

"Sometimes when the universe keeps pushing us in one direction, that's where we need to go," he said softly. His thumb brushed over her cheek like a whisper.

Rowan's brows furrowed with confusion, and his lips twitched with fond amusement. The scar there caught her eye as always. Her head swam with frustration. How was this happening? When he pulled away, his smile straightened back out to a more serious expression. He gazed at her intently.

"What do you need me to do to prove how serious I am?" he asked quietly. "Because I am serious – I'll do whatever it takes. Just say the word."

Rowan stared up at him hard. She felt very drained, but she knew what her answer was without thinking.

"No," she said firmly.

Remus' eyes widened, and she saw fear flicker through them for the first time. She realized how odd that seemed – had he been so sure that she'd take him back? She felt the anger stir in her stomach slowly again at a low heat.

"I won't tell you what to do. If you want to earn back my trust, you need to figure it out for yourself," she said defiantly. His mouth tightened with confusion. "Giving you a checklist or a series of ultimatums won't prove to me that you're not going to leave me again. If you're for real, you'll do it on your own.

"But you've hurt me," she added bitterly. She kept her gaze even with his so that he'd feel the brunt of her words. She saw him falter for a moment with guilt. "Even if you try to 'win me back' or whatever, I don't know if I can ever trust you again. You can try all you want, but I'll make no promises."

Remus' eyes searched her face rapidly. She could see the panic well up and then pull away like the tide. Understanding seemed to spread slowly across his features, and then, unexpectedly, he smiled.

"Alright," he said resolutely.

His eyes blazed with heat. She thought vaguely that green had never looked so warm. It spread through her chest slowly, despite her mind screaming at it not to. It felt much too similar to hope, and she wanted none of it. She wouldn't expect or wish for anything from this man – she'd receive nothing but disappointment in return.

His hands cradled her cheeks, rough fingers brushing against her skin. It was all too much.

"You can fight me all you want, Winnie," he said fervently, "but we were meant to be together."

Rowan felt the fire overtake her. Even the wind and rain of the storm outside couldn't put it out.