Title: So It Goes
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.
This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.
As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.
This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.
A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.
THIS CHAPTER IS PART 1 OF THEIR NIGHT AT THE STAR WARS EVENT AT THE DISNEY PARK.
"Sorry," Erin said muttered with a small sigh, as she leaned forward to try to dislodge Ethan's crutches from how he'd draped them across the seat in front of them on the parking lot tram. They were more than a little blocking the path of the couple that was likely in their 60s and clearly looked ready to just sit down and get back to their car too.
Not that she blamed them. It'd been a long day. Or night. And for all the grandparent-types she'd been seeing in the parks either with their extended family or wandering on their own, she really couldn't imagine wanting to endure the crowds, rides and weather at that age. Though, this couple looked like they were right into the experience. They were decked out in their Star Wars gears and kind of looked like the type who'd been watching and loving the movies since the first time they'd seen them back in 1977. Erin almost wanted to imagine – by the looks of them - that they probably saw the thing together as a young couple. Maybe a first date or early in their courtship or marriage. A big night out. But something about their matching geeky attire and their quiet togetherness seemed to scream they were a long-time and still happy couple. Though, they were clearly alone. At least that night. Maybe they hadn't had kids. Couldn't have them. Or maybe they just hadn't wanted them. Or maybe this was a solo trip without the kids or grandkids – reliving the good ol'days of their nerdom. A later in life getaway and another big night out. Or maybe it'd just been too much of a big night out. That they did have their families there with them. But that their grandkids were far too young to have made it right through the Galactic Night and their parents had had the good sense to retire early and take them back to their respective hotels.
Her and Jay hadn't had that good sense. But she supposed that Eth wasn't a little boy – even if he and his sickly body were more used to a 9:30 or 10 p.m. bedtime than it was the pushing 2 a.m. night they were going for to even get to their rental car, let alone driven back to their own resort and have him tucked into bed. She knew they were going to pay for that the next day … or later that day at that point. But she supposed the whole point of the day … the night … was to make the most of it.
She just didn't think her or Jay had really realized that when they'd advertised the Galactic Night ending at midnight, that what they'd actually meant was that the rides went to midnight. And it was only then that they hosted the night-time show – and the fireworks, which had been pretty much a driving reason for them to do the Star Wars evening. And that before they got to see the fireworks and light projection spectacular – and she'd admit it was pretty spectacular – they'd had to endure a 45-minute "intergalactic hoopla dance party". Which had been so spectacularly tacky, it had nearly made all of them bail on the fireworks. Though, she was glad they hadn't. But if they had, they'd likely would've missed the crush of parents who had dragged their kids to the end of the evening charging for the park exit.
It was amazing the number of parents she saw with babies and toddlers completely passed out and strapped in their strollers. There was no way they could've gotten their money's worth out of having the kids out that late into the night. And no way it would've been worth it for the rest of the vacation dealing with a little toddler that cranky because their parents had wanted to see the Star Wars fireworks. Though, she also had suspected that even more selfishly than keeping their kids out that late for their own purposes – or misguided belief that they were doing it for their kids who weren't going to remember much of anything about that Disney trip – that they might've brought their stroller-aged children as an excuse to use the fucking things as some sort of battering ram to get through the crowds. Even worse was that she'd seen some parents with kids who were early six, seven, eight … ten, twelve … in flopped out in the fucking strollers – knees and feet stuck out even farther making the parental charge that much more of a trip hazard.
Her and Jay had made a quick assessment of the situation and taken a look at Ethan. He was still in complete flabbergast-ment after the show but he was clearly exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. He'd had a rough day on multiple levels and no matter how much he'd loved their evening, it was way passed his bedtime and rather than be on Cloud 9, he was lagging like he was just ready to be counting sheep. Her and Jay would've been able to navigate the crowd easily enough. But they decided not to try with her crippled little brother. It'd just be too much when the night had already been pushing toward too much.
So they'd just found a bench and waited it out. It'd taken a while for the crowds to thin enough for them to start their trek down Hollywood Boulevard to the exit. Even though while Eth had motored a bit about the night when they'd first sat down, it hadn't taken long for him to slump against her, as she slumped against Jay, and she'd just wrapped her arm around him until his chatting slowed and eventually stopped. It'd clearly drowsed while they waited – to the point that when it was time for them to get up and make the walk, he'd put up a momentarily little boy fuss before pulling himself upright. Even without the crowd to navigate, it'd been a slow trek. He was tired and wasn't doing his usual power-propelling down the block on his crutches. He'd just hobbled along to the point that she could tell from the couple looks Jay had given her in their slow pace that he'd been contemplating just picking up the kid and carrying him. Realistically Ethan was such a gaunt kid, that either of them could hoist him up and walk him the distance without a problem. And with how young her baby brother still looked most people around them wouldn't give their toting of him much of a second glance. There'd been a whole lot of parents carrying their older kids or hoisting them up to their shoulders at certain points during the night as far as Erin could tell. But, even if they could pass Ethan off as ten or eleven … or even eight with how little and tired he looked that night … the reality was that he was nearly fourteen. And unless he was having a bad flare and hospitalized, he wasn't going to tolerate anyone hugging him or carrying him in public. And even then, it was only Daddy that he let do that. It was still Hank who he reached for when he was that sick. And, they really shouldn't get in the habit of treating him like a little kid anyway. He wasn't – no matter how little, sick or tired he looked or acted in a particular more. And, they'd all been putting a whole lot of effort into encouraging his independence and growth into a young man – not treating him like the family baby. Even if he was.
So they'd made their slow march. She thought they were about the last people in their last queue of the night – the one to catch the fucking tram out to where they'd been directed to leave their car. Even though she was grateful they had the service – because with what time in the day they'd arrived at the park, she thought they probably would've had to walk at least half a mile just to get to the park entrance from where they'd been forced to leave their car – she also was so fucking glad they weren't staying at Disney. The place was huge. The parking lots were huge. And the crowds – even on this specially ticketed, limited entrance, exclusive evening – were way worse than what they'd encountered so far at Universal or Kennedy Space Center. Though, maybe she'd have a different perspective on that after they ventured into the Wizarding World. But for now she knew that they were able to walk from their hotel to the Universal parks entrance gates in less time than it was going to take them to catch this fucking tram and ride it out to their car.
Apparently they weren't the complete last people to get into the line and cleared out of the park, though. Some people had eventually gotten in line behind them to wait for the little tram. Though, she didn't get the sense that they had so much been sitting and waiting out the crowds as they'd been doing some last minute shopping in the stores along the street out to the exit or snagging a late night snack before heading back to their hotel. But she supposed that was a way to wait out the masses too.
The tram had ended up being full enough when on finally did come around to pick them up. But Eth had still fumbled around in claiming their bench. It wasn't jam packed enough that they had to squish into the bench with another family but he really shouldn't have flopped his crutches over the next bench and then proceeded to flop against Jay and immediately shut his eyes. He was clearly just ready to be back to the hotel too.
The couple smiled at the mild intrusion into the space they were trying to claim, though, as Erin struggled to unhooking the crutches from whatever Eth had done to get them to stick there good.
"Looks like you aren't going to have any problems with bedtime tonight," the woman commented, giving her a little grin as she finally managed to get the crutches moved for them, tucking them between her knees, in case another family did end up trying to get into the row with them.
She made a little sound at that and glanced over at Eth and Jay. Jay had zoned off into his own little world too. Though he thrived on late nights and didn't do a lot of sleeping, he also wasn't a huge fan of crowds. And he was even lesser fan of idle chit-chat. Sometimes he was almost frighteningly similar to Hank. But rather than focus on that what Erin smiled about was just how comfortable the two of them looked in that moment. With each other. With the situation. That Ethan hadn't given a second thought about using Jay as his pillow when he'd sat down and that Jay – even if he'd registered it having happened, which since he was so attuned to any touch, he near certainly had – only reacted in lifting his arm and wrapping it around her little brother. That he'd settled … so completely … into being the big brother to her baby brother. The kind of big brother that Justin had never been able to be. And the kind of big brother – man – that Ethan just so desperately needed then. And Erin didn't know if Jay was doing that for her. Or he was doing that for Ethan. Or if it was a little bit of both. But she wasn't sure she really cared. Because she liked what she saw.
"Yea, I don't think lights out is going to be a problem tonight," she allowed congenially.
"Sure doesn't look it," the man nodded. "Looks like you ran him into the ground."
She made a quiet amused sound at that and allowed them another little smile. "He had fun," she provided. Eth seemed to hear – like he was only faking just a little with the whole sleepy little boy routine he had going on flopped against Jay. But whatever the sound was – and that little squirreling around to get more comfortable against her fiancé – just seemed to confirm in absolute agreement that he'd had fun.
Not that it'd taken any sort of real detective skills to figure it out. Though, looking him in the eye throughout the afternoon and evening – and very long night – had just proved it. Because he'd had a wide-eyed glow of pure glee. And it'd been reflected right back at him in Jay's eyes too.
They were both little boys that day.
Really from the moment they entered the park. They'd had to be there early – as in early enough to get a spot to see the rope drop for the Galactic Night. Jay had been insistent about it. She'd thought he'd regretted that a bit because there were definitely crowds there waiting to see that show and to charge the turnstiles as soon as the ticketholders were allowed in. And Jay only did so well in crowds. Swarms – or mobs – as he'd slipped (she wasn't even sure he was entirely aware he had) and called them a few times. And though she knew there was undisputedly something to giving them those labels, she also knew that a factor was there was just too much potential for bumps and nudges. And as innocent as those might be in that kind of environment, it was unwanted touching. And Jay only ever dealt so well with that too.
But he'd settled. He'd leveled. She could tell for the first about twenty minutes there that he was purposely making himself do that. His body language had been stiff and he'd had his arms crossed around him – protectively and with his elbows out. And for all the excitement and gratefulness that was seeping off Ethan – and really directed at Jay – he'd been really quiet. Even for him. But he'd clearly talked himself through it and compartmentalized what he needed to and figured out how he needed to hold himself to be able to cope with the mounds of people.
And even though Erin didn't think he'd likely heard a word of that opening show with the Stormtroopers setting up the scenario and cracking jokes. That he hadn't allowed so much as an amused noise and hadn't cracked a smile – when the little routine had earned hearty laughs from those around them. She did know that by the time they got inside, he'd readied himself to get through it. And – along with his trusty map – he'd plotted a plan and a route to go against the stream and counterclockwise to the rest of the mobs. It'd effectively saved them from having to deal with too much chaos until when they were leaving. So maybe there was something to his map-toting, crowd projection, ride-booking, route-planning ways.
He already had a spot scoped out – from his map – along the main street just inside the entrance. He'd guided them directly to it – slightly off the beaten path and off in a corner, but with a bench that he'd lifted Eth up on and stood in front of him, so the kid could lean against his shoulders when he got tired. Giving him the height and the support to see the parade of Stormtroopers without having to press to the front of the crowd.
Some staff had indicated that they shouldn't be standing on the benches, though. And Erin had seen Jay instinctively reach for the hem of his shirt like he was going to thrust his hip forward and badge the Mousketeer. But he'd managed to realize that his badge wasn't there and wasn't exactly the best solution to the scenario. Instead he'd rather bluntly presented that the kid was sick and needed a place to see and rest without getting trampled. They'd sort of looked at them – and Ethan – a bit to closely but had wandered off without saying anything more. Though, Erin had noticed they'd paced back around to make sure more people weren't gathering on the bench. Not that Jay would've let them crowd Eth's space. But they really were out of the way enough that no one really wanted their spot. It wasn't exactly prime real estate. But Ethan could see – even from a distance – and that was the important thing.
He'd loved the parade. Which she'd been repeatedly corrected and informed that it "wasn't a parade". It was military formations of Imperial Troopers. "Not just Stormtroopers." But whatever. It was a bunch of people in costume walking down the street. She supposed the sheer number of people they had paid to play dress-up for the night was impressive. But she wasn't nearly as gobsmacked as Ethan was.
Some of Eth's amazement at the costuming had died a bit when the troopers had gotten up to the main stage and it turned into some kind of little show. It was less of a show than a random excuse to bring out more people in costumes. The Droids, Chewy, Kylo Ren, Darth Vader. Those were the ones she could name. She knew Eth could've likely named others but in terms of their positioning to see the stage, they were so far back and with his eyesight the way it was, they couldn't see much. Beyond that, Eth kept saying, "Are they actually going to do something?"
And maybe the answer was yes. But they didn't stick around long enough to find out. They'd decided that whatever it was, it wasn't that interesting, so instead they'd broken away from the crowd and started on the route that Jay had picked – getting ahead of the masses that did decide to wait out the whole show. And maybe enjoy it.
They'd hit the Indiana Jones Stunt Show that Jay had been pretty set on seeing and her and Eth had been just as happy to sit through. Eth had likely been a little more than happy to sit through it. It'd clearly been flagged by her brother as something that Jay liked and that he'd clung to in this kind of desperate way to try to relate to Jay or to get him to like him. She didn't think Ethan needed to do that. She knew Jay liked him. Actually, she was pretty sure he more than liked Ethan. Not that he'd used the word 'love' when talking about her baby brother. But that wasn't a word that Jay used lightly. Even with her, she only heard it sparingly – even though she knew he loved her. But he demonstrated it through his actions – big and small – on a near daily basis. And she hoped Eth understood that too. Because his dad was like that too. He wasn't soft and cuddly with them or profess his love constantly – but you couldn't fault him in his love. The ways he did show it. Though, Erin did know that since Justin died – and all the fallout – Hank had been much more liberal in using the L-word. And way more physical in his affections with Ethan. She regularly saw Hank initiating hugs with his son now – not just handing them out when Eth went seeking them. Eth was spending his tweens and teens with a lot more than hair scruffs and tugs from his dad. Hank barely let Eth out of his sight for the day without getting that hug from him each morning and assuring his child that he was loved. But Eth needed that. Hank did too. It'd just taken … too much … for him to realize that and to be able to put it into action in his daily life.
But Erin understood too that Eth reaching out to Jay like that had little to do with Jay or the way his relationship with his dad was developing as he grew up. It all went back to his own insecurities about his brother. That strained relationship. And that loss. Both as a little boy and now for the rest of his life. Because there hadn't really been a relationship. Erin didn't question that Justin loved Ethan. She knew that deep down he did. And even for all the conflicts they'd had – and all the ways Justin had treated Ethan like the annoying little, tag-along brother when he was a teenager wanting to do his own thing and have his own space – she still did have memories of them playing together. Of Justin being a real brother – not just paying Eth lip service about things the could or would or should do, and never did. The thing was that a lot of those memories – play and time-together – that she knew happened were when Eth was still a pre-schooler. Even in the best case scenario, those memories would've been shadowy. And in Eth's scenario they just didn't exist.
So all her brother was able to recall about Justin was a strained relationship and a lot of hurt and disappointment. Of him trying to relate to his brother and it never really being returned. Because Justin was at a point in his life that he just didn't care and he didn't really try. He had too much of his own hurt and animosity – toward Hank, toward Ethan in laying anger and blame and hurt and hate where it shouldn't be. Because his dad hasn't caused his mom's death. And Ethan sure as fuck hadn't. And it wasn't Ethan's fault that he'd pulled through and Camille hadn't. It wouldn't have been better or worse if it had been the opposite scenario. It would've destroyed and fucked up the family just as much if it had been Ethan who died that night. Then Justin would've finished off his teens and entered his twenties with two broken parents. And as strong as Camille was and as sacrificing as she could be – the trooper she was for the family – Erin struggled with wrapping her head around how she would've survived that as the same person. Because as a woman, as a sister, as a mother who didn't get to be one due to just a single miscarriage – she couldn't imagine dealing with that. Not when Camille had already going through so many miscarriages. When they'd wanted and waited for Ethan for so long. When she was so excited and so in love with that little boy. When Erin knew what a … special … little boy her baby brother was. She just couldn't imagine. It made her stomach twist even thinking about it.
She did know though that in a scenario where Camille and Ethan had both died that night – she was getting glimpses of what that might've done to Hank. She'd seen very clearly in the hours and days after Justin died exactly what and who he'd become. And it's scared her. It'd shaken her so much. And she knew that if those years ago that it was just her, Justin and Hank left as their fucked up family … they would've been pretty fucked up. And she wasn't sure anything would've been any better than what they'd already gone through. She wasn't even sure they would've pulled out the other end as much of a family. So Justin projecting all his mixed and conflicted on his father and his brother didn't do much good. It was just him dealing with his own grief and his own guilt – when it wasn't his fault either. Though, she understood why he was hard on himself. She'd be the same if she'd been the one fighting with Hank then. The one who'd snuck out. The one who'd called home drunk and stoned off his ass – at least partially following rules and having enough sense to know he shouldn't get in the car with someone else as drunk and stoned as him. But it had meant his mom had gone out. It had meant Ethan was in the car. But that's not to say if what happened hadn't happened that night, it wouldn't have happened another.
But Justin had still made the choice to let how he was dealing with his grief and guilt and anger have very real implications for his relationship with their family. Her and him likely pulled through it the best. Though, Erin carried her own guilt that they had been in a strained period at the end and she wished they'd come to some sort of resolution or forgiveness sooner. Because she really felt they would've. After he got back to Chicago – it would've been better. It had to be. She wanted to believe that. She knew, though, that that was part of the reason she was trying to find that resolution with Olive – with Henry. Because she hadn't been able to do it with her brother – who she'd grown up with. Who could've made her teens hell – but hadn't. And for all their rough patches – she'd really loved. She had happy memories of the real person he was even though she hated the person he tried to be that caused them so much fucking grief.
Justin's relationship with his dad hadn't done as well, though. Hank brushed it off as "fathers and sons". It was a phrase he used repeatedly in their family therapy rather than talk about much of anything. Rather than put any sort of real context around what he was feeling. Or what he felt back then. Like saying "fathers and sons" explained it all. And justified it all. Made it all right. When she didn't believe for a second that his relationship with his father was like what he'd had with Justin – even though he would only grunt at that and provide he lost his dad too early to have any real concept of what a father-son relationship looked like as a teen or an adult. And even if that was true, she'd readily argue that Hank's relationship with Ethan didn't look anything like his relationship with Justin. But that again got dismissed with the notion of Eth being a different kid, with different needs and him being a single parent now. Which might also be true but she also knew it didn't really capture it either. Instead "fathers and sons" was a catch-all to not talk about what he was thinking or feeling. At least not with her – or in therapy. And she didn't know who the fuck else he was talking to. Maybe to Ethan in backward and evasive ways – because it was pretty clear the two of them talked and Hank talked to Eth more than he ever talked to her and Justin and in very different ways. And maybe Al. Though, with what Al was going through now, she didn't know if that was bringing them together or just driving them apart. It wasn't like Al was the most talkative person – especially when it came to emotions or trauma either. Old school men's men. And she knew she was engaged to the exact same. And sometimes when she looked at Hank and Al she wondered if it was a snapshot of the kind of person Jay would be in his fifties. And that came with its definite good – and definitively bad – points.
Still, "fathers and sons" was a way to try to justify and come to terms with the strain that had been in Hank and Justin's relationship before he was gone too. She knew that Hank had been trying to smooth it over. Maybe more for Henry too – because from the time Hank had found out about Olive being pregnant, it'd been pretty clear that he desperately wanted to be involved in the baby's life. Erin knew that went back to Camille – not that he'd said that. But that was pretty transparent too. Almost as transparent as the fact that Hank was scared that Justin wasn't going to let him play much of a role in his grandchild's life. That he'd be pushed out.
But as much as Justin had tried to test and push out her and Hank, it'd really been Ethan who'd taken the brunt of it. The intentional – or unintentional – wrath of it. And it meant that Eth had grown up not thinking his brother liked him very much when he so desperately just wanted to be as James Dean as his big brother. And Ethan never would be. He just wasn't that kind of kid. He wasn't that kind of personality type. Even if that accident had never happened, he was still going to be a weird little kid and a geeky teenaged kid and probably kind of a strange adult. Now he was just … a little stranger sooner. But at least there was more of an … excuse … behind it. Only now her baby brother still questioned if his brother liked him – if he loved him. It was a recurrent theme in their family sessions too. Beyond his anger and his hurt and his clear anxiety about their jobs and the potential for more loss in his life and his confusion that just seemed to lead to depression about why people around him kept dying and the how and why he hadn't – the topic he kept coming back to was that Justin didn't like him. And he didn't know why.
He had all sorts of heartbreaking speculation about why. So much so that he'd made her cry in one session and she'd watched Hank struggling to hold back tears too. And whenever she saw Hank like that it just made her own waterworks even worse. And it really didn't matter how much they contended that wasn't true. How many ways both her and Hank told him he was likeable and loveable and how so many of the things he pointed out as reasons Justin "hated" him were on the list of reasons they loved him most and were most proud of him and thought were some of the coolest and neatest and more admirable things about him – she knew he was never really going to believe them. That he'd only hear them so much.
So instead Ethan had decided to set himself on a new mission. To make sure that Jay really liked him. That Jay loved him. The thing was Erin was all too certain that Jay already liked him – and loved him – long before Justin was gone and long before Eth set out on this mission. And she knew Jay wasn't blind to it going on either. They'd talked about it. And even though she knew Jay had talked to Ethan about it – had told him that he was a neat kid and he liked him just fine and he didn't need to pretend to be things he wasn't or like things he didn't – just for him. Ethan again only listened so much. So Jay had tried to level it by liking some things that Ethan did – that were things that Jay didn't necessarily not like but clearly wouldn't be participating in as a grown man – either. But she also didn't think Jay had too many qualms about letting Eth try to really grasp onto some of his favorites … Indiana Jones, Back to the Future and Guardians of the Galaxy among them. At least for the sake of this trip.
So Eth had been pretty hyped up about the Indy area of the park. It was tacky. But it was well-done. Though, not that different from the Jurrassic Park set-up when you got right down to it. She actually kind of thought that Jurassic Park area at Universal might've been a bit more immersive. But all the temples and archeological sites were fun to look at. And the gift shops – an obligatory stop to pick out something for Will even though Jay had admitted that he should likely look for something over at Universal too – had been great too. She'd admit that she found that the gift shops over in the Disney park were having her reach for her wallet and hum-and-ha a bit more about what she was going to pick up for Henry than what she'd seen at Universal thus far. But she did have to remind herself they hadn't been to Wizarding World of Harry Potter yet and they hadn't walked through Seuss Landing over there yet. Even though Ethan had repeatedly told them that the only thing he was going to even consider doing in that area of the park was eat green eggs and ham. That there was no way he was going on any of the "baby rides". She'd rolled her eyes at him.
But he was likely going to get his wish anyway. At the rate they were moving through any of the parks she wasn't even sure if they were going to get a day to spare to wander through the sections over at Universal that weren't Jurassic Park or Harry Potter. She supposed at least they'd managed to hit some of the rides at Super Hero Island the one night. But she knew Jay really wanted to hit some of the other – non-Jurassic Park and non-Harry Potter rides. And Hank kept asking if they'd been to the Hitchcock exhibit yet or the Disaster Ride that redid a bunch of the scenes from a lot of the old movies. Those seemed to be the only two things he seemed remotely interested in hearing about. And based on how Ethan did like the Indy stunt show, she figured they should likely try to find the time to take him to the special effects show or the make-up or sound effects show at Universal too. But at this point it was all coming down to time. And even though they still had days left on their vacation, it also felt like it was ticking down all too quickly.
She thought they'd all settled into it enough though, that they were trying to enjoy the moment – and the day – they were in. They were accepting the trip for what it was. And what a theme park vacation in Orlando meant. And that meant that it was tacky. But it was fun.
And as tacky as the Indy show might've been, she did get to hear some Jay as a little boy stories. Though, she recognized that he'd likely only partially disclosed them because she'd put up a bit of a fuss the night before about him telling Ethan more about his childhood than he did her. But whatever … he pushed her to be more open all the time. He had to get used to taking what he dished out.
Though, even though she liked hearing the few little spiels he flatly gave – they were all kind of melancholy. They weren't the swinging from swings and Will falling off cliff stories that Eth got. But she also accepted that on the few and far between times Jay talked about his childhood it was always with this dark cloud hanging over his head. It was different than when Will tried to present something to get Jay's goat. To get a reaction or embarrass him. She could always tell with the way Will beamed and how he told the stories – not just the kinds of stories he told – that he'd come away from his formative years with a very different perspective, and experience, than Jay.
But Will likely wouldn't have enjoyed the stories that Jay told that afternoon. She got told about when they'd decided to use their fishing poles and lines as whips line Indy. That Jay had managed to snag Will in the eyebrow – causing that weird little wisp and thin-lined scar that was still there. How it bled a ridiculous amount and how Will had bawled. And how it was the only time he remembered his grandfather really and truly yelling at him – and how roughly he'd grabbed at him to clear him away from his brother to make sure he hadn't taken Will's eye right out. Something that Will still back-handedly teased him about. Really more hung it over him in a way to rub salt in the wounds at times. But the reality of the possibility that his older brother could've lost an eye if the line had caught a fraction of an inch differently meant that Jay had never gotten in another tussle with Will – play or otherwise – even when his brother really deserved it.
The other one she'd gotten was their fascination with the Temple of Doom – much to the scorn of their religious mother. That Jay thought that Will was just kind of into the crazy rollercoaster ride at the end of the movie through the mines (which they'd stood in a line to actually go on in 'real life' after the stunt show. It wasn't a rollercoaster – so Eth had actually agreed. She thought mostly because they got to go in a "jeep" through an archeology site – which was apparently exciting. But she'd have to say that the ride was jolting enough that it likely was as bad – or worse – than some of the rollercoasters that her and Jay had braved the other night. She was sure it'd done nothing for Eth's spine or neck. She'd actually found herself reaching out and trying to hold him more stiffly as the ride jerked them around to keep him from getting whiplash.). And likely that they both had been disgusting little boys, fascinated with the meal of bugs and monkey brains and eyeball stew – which only then did Jay express some disappointment that none of that had been on the menu the night before. But what Jay had really liked about the movie – what he'd been most fascinated with – was the voodoo dolls. And how he'd actually made one of his father.
But it'd never worked. There was a hushed comment somewhere after that about how when he'd come to realize that voodoo was a fantasy, somehow engrossing himself in shooting shit up in his violent videogames seemed like a better way of dealing with things than sticking pins into a homemade knotted doll. But Erin wasn't sure either choice was particularly normal or healthy for a kid. And it was comments like that that made her realize as different as their childhoods were – that Jay had his own shitshow he'd had to trudge through and it'd fucked him up just as badly as Bunny had her.
But they didn't talk about that. Not then, or there. Not with Eth sitting with them and loving the pyrotechnics so much of the Indy show that they'd gone right over to the Lights! Motors! Action! Stunt show after that. And he'd been just as transfixed with the motorcycles and the racecars and the spectacle of it. Honestly, she'd looked at Jay a few times and he was pretty transfixed too. He'd even let out a couple sounds of honest amazement at some of the high velocity, high-flying stunts. And, it took a lot to get those kind of sounds out of Jay. Though, the Hawks could earn them sometimes too. But those were usually sounds of disgust followed by talking loudly – if not all out yelling - at the television. Like they could hear – or needed – his coaching.
The car show only feed Eth's endless chatter and desire about wanting to get to learn to drive really fast and in-pursuit like them and his dad. It didn't matter how much Jay told Ethan that he'd be riding shotgun until he was at least 34 while Erin was his sister.
She actually thought that was being generous. With Hank as his father, Ethan was going to be lucky to get behind the wheel by the time he was forty.
And she doubted he'd ever be allowed to straddle a motorcycle. Another favorite topic of Ethan's anymore. Likely also on the list of things he had latched onto in trying to relate to his dad and trying to relate to Jay. But it was a topic that both of them seemed happy to endure. Jay wanted a motorcycle about as much as Ethan. Likely more. And it was definitely on Erin's list of non-approved purchases – both for Jay and Eth.
She didn't think Ethan would ever be able to drive a motorcycle no matter how much he wanted to talk about them anyway. Though, he was definitely working at proving them wrong on that. He was trying to prove his balance and co-ordination on his little bike at home. His motor-mouth kept going too about how he was going to use his savings that spring to by a dual-suspension mountain bike (which was at least a nice tidbit to have in reminding him to not spend his money stupidly or frivolous on that trip. Because he didn't fucking need a toy lightsabre, an Indiana Jones archeologist hat or a fucking Rocket Raccoon hoodie complete with the tail even if it would make a 'totally, awesomely tight' Halloween costume – something that she thought he'd almost convinced Jay of while he looked at a fucking Star Lord jacket to match and informed her she could be Gamora. Fucker. They were both fucking dunces sometimes.).
Only further adding to his attempts to convince them of his mastery of the bicycle – and thus the feasibility of him eventually graduating to his dad's motorcycle – was him taking a very sudden interest in participating in all the stationery bike training and conditioning and rehab at his RIC physical therapy. Which Erin felt was being offered to him to help prepare him for all that catcher squat he was going to have to be doing when ball started up again. But she was pretty sure they'd all decided to let him think what he wanted about it. Because whatever motivation he had – at least it was working on strengthening his weak and spastic legs and his drooping foot.
Unfortunately, Eth had decided the car show had been ruined by bringing out some of the actual Cars. Which he thought was "completely retarded". It wasn't that she didn't agree – and that Jay had pretty vocally agreed – with. But it was something he stated so many times – when it was a word they'd completely removed from their family's vocabulary given the circumstances – that Erin had to put on her big sister voice and warn him that she was going to be making sure his allowance took a ding if she heard that word out of him one more time. And then she'd made him go down and take pictures of Lightening McQueen and Mater and Sally for Henry. Because that kid was fucking obsessed with Cars and might vaguely recognize them. Maybe.
She knew that was likely asking a little much of a kid who was just 21-months. But he better get used to it. Because Ethan was already putting in a lobby for a dinosaur second birthday party. While Olive was leaning more toward a construction site. And Hank had taken a "I don't fucking care" position on it all … because they all knew it was really only going to be so much of a party with the anniversary it also marked. She knew they couldn't get in the habit of not marking Henry's birthday. But she also knew what it was like to have your birthday marred with death. It might've only been a couple years but she didn't think that she'd ever separate the one anniversary from the other. And she doubted that any of the family ever would with Henry, either. But, he shouldn't have to grow up knowing that. The adults in his life would have to make sure him and his day got celebrated just like anyone else's birthday. So they'd all let Eth start his pining and planning about it – just like the kid did with any date he could pinpoint on the calendar anymore, however obscure. Though, Erin thought that Henry – even if he was given the say of a toddler – would likely pick a car party. Not dinosaurs and not construction site and not Popa's "he's two" theme. He wouldn't necessarily pick a car party of the Disney variety – but cars, none-the-less. And he probably wouldn't object if it was the Disney character ones either.
After that they'd continue Jay's route-planning and managed to fit in the Muppets 3-D Theater before their scheduled time on the Star Wars … or "Tours" as Ethan kept reminding her too … ride.
She'd been surprised that that area of the park was pretty much a ghost town. Ethan had not. Another thing he repeatedly reminded them while they waited to go into the theater. That Kermit the Frog was pretty much them making him visit Sesame Street. She'd pointed out that Sam Eagle combined with the Swedish Chef was pretty much visiting his dad – not Sesame Street. But it was pretty clear that the references had gone right over his head.
It was more clear that the whole humor of the show wasn't resonating with Eth at all after they got into the waiting area and then the actually theater. She was pretty sure he didn't laugh the whole time. And he kept giving her 'what the fuck is this' looks. Though, he did manage to hold his tongue until the end, when he simply provided, "I don't get it" and trudged out of the theater.
Erin was pretty sure the only thing there was to get was that she was kind of grateful she was an 80's-born, 90's-kid – and not whatever the fuck Generation Slogan Eth was growing up in. Because her and Jay had found some humor in the show. And they both remembered some of the movies and various sketches from the show when they were growing up. And Muppet Babies. Ethan had looked at them even more like they had lost their minds when they started talking about that. He'd gaped at Jay even more when he offered up that he had all the Muppet Babies toys out of McDonald's Happy Meals when he was a little kid. That his mother had collected them and put them in his and Will's stocking that year. That they fought over Gonzo and Kermit so bad and that neither of them wanted Miss Piggy. That those toys had been kicking around their house forever. That they were designated "car toys" for when they were going on the long drive to their grandfather's and the cabin. That he was pretty sure Will had tried skateboarding – and again damaged himself – because of Kermit on a skateboard.
"So McDonald's toys were your favorite toys when you were a kid?" Ethan had stared.
Jay had shrugged. "Wouldn't say they were my favorites. Just had them for a long time."
"You kept a Happy Meal toy for your whole childhood?" he'd stared.
"Happy Meal toys were actually toys when we were kids," Erin had defended him. "I had them too."
"Your parents bought you toys at McDonalds?" he seemed so confused.
"Ethan," she stressed at him. "They weren't just flimsy plastic back then. They were toys. And you got them with food."
"McDonalds is not food," Ethan had put flatly.
She nudged the back of his head, riding the brim of his hat up and down there in his habitual turned-cap catcher look. "Not everyone grew up in a family that could afford to buy them nice toys, put wholesome food on the table or eat at a restaurant that wasn't fast food."
His eyes had flickered a bit. "We aren't rich," he said a tad defensively but a little apologetic.
"No," she agreed. "You aren't. But you have a family that makes sure you're well taken care of and does their best to mean that you have some nice things and some pretty nice treats in all of that too."
She raised her eyebrow at him and he'd a little embarrassedly scuffed away, only adding, "It musta been so weird being a kid back then."
Yeah. Back then. Sometimes he tried to make her feel so old. Like being "in her thirties" didn't make her feel that way already sometimes. Or all the time. But really, she thought that it must be kind of being weird being a kid in the present. Even for as safe and secure Hank was trying to make Ethan's childhood, she really couldn't fully imagine what it'd be like being a kid and a teen in the 2010's. That just seemed weird to her. She liked her technology and internet and phone and social media and streaming. But how kids related to it and used it was different than how she related to it or interacted with it or used it as an adult. And sometimes it kind of boggled her mind. She was kind of happy that Hank had a lot of rules and restrictions for Eth around it. That he was sheltering him from it a bit. But at the same time she wondered how much that was going to back-fire too. How much more it was going to make Ethan a mark and an outsider. Just weirder than he already was.
But at the same time – she wanted to protect him too. She wanted to expose him to things like the Muppets. Not some of this … whatever the fuck kids even watched anymore. Did they even really watch anything anymore? Or did they just stare at things on YouTube and SnapChat and Vine? And if that's what they were looking at, what the fuck were they actually watching? She knew from work whenever things came on in those realms they were not the kind of things that any parent in their right mind would want their kids anywhere near.
There should be a Muppets revival. On SnapChat. And YouTube. Because that was something she could get behind Ethan – or kids – staring at.
The Muppets had been a staple in the Voight house. Eth had just likely kind of missed it. Or forgotten. Lost that memory. Like he had with a lot of his early years.
Hank and Camille, though, they would've been still teens when the original series was on. Based on the videos that still got played when Justin was little, she would wager they'd been fans. Not that Hank would admit that. But the quiet, smart, clean humor of the show was more up to speed with what he found funny – when he found anything funny. Or they just thought it was decent family programming to share with Justin – and eventually her – that they were willing to sit through too.
Because Erin knew for a fact that the Muppets Christmas special and the Muppets Christmas Carol still got put on around the holidays every year – even after she'd moved in. But Justin was still a little boy then still. Sometimes thinking back on it, that was hard to remember. She felt like she always remembered him as that moody teenager who was trying to be something he wasn't. To do his own thing while trying to be a tough guy like his dad. And somehow just not being himself anywhere in that process. As much as he'd grown with the army and with Olive and with Henry – how he'd settled – Erin still wasn't sure if he'd ever really come into his own and found himself. Or if he'd just found another costume to put on and some other chip to put up on his shoulder. But he hadn't always been like that. He'd been little and cute and goofy when she moved in. Not so unlike Ethan. Only he'd grown out of it – too quickly. And it looked like their was still hope with Eth that even though he was growing up, he was still going to be her quirky baby brother who was a bit of a goofball.
She sort of wondered how the Muppets Christmas movies hadn't translated into one of the traditions that Eth had clung onto. But she suspected that it was because for whatever reason it hadn't been one of the Christmas traditions that Hank had wanted to continue. And she found herself wondering if that was just because he hadn't liked the flicks that much or that maybe Camille had liked them too much. Or maybe he just related a whole lot of movie viewing with her – then wrap it up into the holidays and it was too much. Though, other favorites of them both had survived. Maybe some day … when they were doing better … she'd figure out a way to ask him. Or maybe next Christmas she'd try to remember to good through the media cabinet at Hank's and see if the DVD was still there and put it in and force Ethan to watch it.
Though, he'd likely hate it. Based on his reaction to the Muppet Vision show. And based on how restless they'd gotten when her and Jay didn't immediately walk right out of the gift shop.
They'd actually slowed down to look at some of it – because it was funny, and because for all the stupid pictures Jay had taken of her in Jurassic Park, she really needed to get one of him in a Beaker beanie … which pretty much made his head look like a penis, which wasn't exactly the look she wanted on him but she'd still taken the photo. But even that was apparently too long for Eth. Because he was starting to get antsy about them getting over to the Star Wars (nay … Tours …) ride for their scheduled time. And him being his father's son glowed through there. Because if you weren't early, you were late. By Hank's standards.
His father's son. Fathers and sons. Unapologetically. A moment where she could get behind that fucking catch-all phrase of explanation. Because maybe it did explain a lot. Sometimes.
AUTHOR NOTE: A chapter — GOOD BOY — was posted earlier this week. It has been re-ordered. It is now sitting as chapter, if you haven't had a chance to read it yet.
So this chapter was getting long so it's getting split. You'll get the Star Wars stuff and the conclusion of the interaction with the couple on the tram in the next chapter - Part 2 of Star Wars day.
After that I think I'm going to take a break from Florida for a couple chapters. I want to do a Hank/Ethan chapter and then I'm likely going to do a Ethan/Zoe chapter. Since I get a lot of requests about it, this chapter MIGHT be from Ethan's POV. If it's not from Eth's POV, it will be from Kim or Erin's. Not sure. I might try writing it from Ethan's POV and see how it goes. I've been playing with it a bit.
I still have a Erin/Hank chapter from around Lexi's death that I want to do. And I have a Erin/Hank chapter that would be a recast of Jay's communication skills from E17 (not with an ex or him moving out, just with Erin at a frustration point about Jay's walls). And then I have a Hank/Jay chapter I want to do within that sequence (which would also deal with SWAT).
I do have a chapter with Hank that would involve Ethan's health and likely bring in Al too.
I've gotten positive feedback about doing a story set in the future. I still haven't decided yet. I'm leaning toward it. But like i said it'd be short — probably not more than 8-12 chapters. And for those who haven't clued in, even though I do write some dribble and fluff and give you the sporadic M chapters that a group of readers want — that I do tend to be "dark" and "depressing" and "heavy" … or so I'm told.
And for the people who like to know what rides are real or not …
At Disney Hollywood Studios in Orland do have some sort of Star Wars Stormtrooper parade. They do have some sort of character stage show. They do have an Indiana Jones stunt show. There is a Muppets theatre show.
The car/motorcylce used to exist. It no longer does.
The Indiana Jones ride is in Disneyland (and I think some of the other Disney parks but not the Orlando one).
As always, your readership, comments and reviews are appreciated. Though, I always appreciate some feedback on upcoming chapters and stories and what people are excited for or interested in, I do find feedback on the actual chapter posted content most informative and constructive in trying to better the characters and the arcs.