Title: So It Goes

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.

This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.

As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.

This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.

A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).

SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.

THIS CHAPTER GOES AFTER WHAT IS CURRENTLY CHAPTER 25 — SOMETHING OF BEAUTY. They will be reordered eventually.

***CONTENT WARNING**** This chapter is a MILD M for some reference to sexual interaction. There is no actual intercourse.

Erin made a small sound against Jay's mouth as he slipped his hand down the front of her panties. He didn't go much farther than that. But she knew he was testing her reaction at that point. If she'd let him go farther or tell him they should call it a night. Or if she'd suggest they hop in the shower instead. Or tell him to go take a cold one.

Part of her knew they should call it a night. That they likely should've called it a night as soon as they got back to the hotel and got Ethan into bed. That they were both tired. That it'd been a long day in a lot of ways. From Ethan's meltdown in the morning. To dealing with emotional baggage about his M.S. and the chemo and the medical trial. To wading through his confused and conflicted feelings about the loss of his brother. For all that to only lead into Easter becoming a "tradition" and him shedding more than a few tears about being away from his dad and missing his mom.

It really hadn't been a great start to the day. When they'd had a really nice start to the day.

When her and Jay had lay in bed – resisting the urge to go help Eth and instead probably making too many looks and faces at each other in their quiet inside jokes and communication that didn't need any words – while they listened to Eth working at chopping up vegetables and scrambling up eggs for their breakfast. When he'd had everything so cutely set up on the dinky little coffee table for them. When he'd tried to make coffee (badly burned and very, very strong) for them with the unfamiliar mini-coffeemaker in their suite's kitchenette. When he'd wedged the oranges like they were on snack duty for his baseball team. When he'd toasted toast (also rather burnt – because he hadn't likely had toast in at least a couple years to know how to use a toaster or what anyone considered a reasonable amount of toasting as supposed to say … charcoal) and put it out with the jar of preserves she'd picked the other day in the buy two, get on "free" deal. But he hadn't been able to get the lid off and had come into the room and made an ick face at her and Jay laying on their sides and just looking at each other – and maybe just slightly holding each other – before he asked/told Jay to open it himself.

It'd been cute. All of it. His efforts. His meal. The Easter card that was more of a thank you card that he'd picked for them – that had Snoopy on it. Something he'd pointed out to them multiple times. Because maybe they didn't react enough about the cartoon dog. Or he thought they didn't realize who or what it as.

But it'd all just spun out when he got in the shower and some of his hair washed out in a noticeable clump. And that just served as an impetuses for likely a lot of things he had been thinking but hadn't been saying. And it'd just been tears, tears, tears.

Erin knew that Jay getting the Galactic Night tickets hadn't had anything to do with him predicting the potential of Easter Sunday going badly awry. That it'd just been something he wanted to include on the trip and a nice added surprise for Ethan. They would've gone to Hollywood Studios anyway for her baby brother to get his Star Wars fix. But getting to be there on the special event night – it'd been special. And it'd really been what helped pull him out of his funk.

Well, that and them taking Eth to the nearest barber shop they could find and just getting rid of what was left of his thin, fine, curly locks that had sort of grown back in last year – but never the same as that hair of Camille's he'd had as a little boy. It was more than the barbershop trip, though. Erin knew that too.

It was when they got back to the hotel and Jay had stood with him in the bathroom showing him how to apply the styling wax to the slightly longer strands of hair that Jay had stood up talking to the barber about. That Jay had gone and given the guy instructions on what numbered trimmers to use in buzzing off the sick kid's hair in to something that was somewhere between a crew cut and an undercut. A style that actually ultimately looked pretty cute on her baby brother even with the patches poking through. One that had made how much Ethan actually looked like Hank – not Camille – pop out in his squared features. A looked that somehow made him look a little bit older but also just highlighted too how much of a little boy he actually was.

Erin wasn't sure if Jay had gone and given those instructions about the close-cropped, near buzzed sides and the just slightly longer strands up top and even slightly longer wisps left of his fine bangs, to try to keep Eth from having to get comments about being a skin-head or a chemo-kid at school. Or if he was trying to leave something to hide some of the bald patches that a complete buzz cut would reveal. Or if he'd just heard the slight hesitance in Hank's voice on the phone when Erin had called him to let him know they were going to take Ethan to get the trimmers taken to his head in an attempt to stop the hair loss meltdown in its tracks. Because as much as Hank had hated when Ethan had his hair long and shaggy in an attempt to hide his scarred face and mangled ear, Erin knew he'd struggled even more when the medical trial – the M.S. – took Camille's wavy, golden locks from his son too.

Erin would've just told the barber to shave it all off. That a buzz cut was fine on a thirteen-year-old boy in Florida on his spring break and months away from his summer vacation where he'd be living in a baseball cap and out on the diamond and in the park and up in the bleachers every chance he got. That it really didn't make a difference when the trial was likely just going to keep taking it bit by bit now over the course of the year. Or the next four years. Or the rest of his life. So they might has well just take it off in one foul swoop. But Jay had more of an opinion.

And he'd given Eth a little crash course in styling in front of that mirror. Primping the kid's hair until he had little gels up spikes creating some layering to hide the bald spots and pushed up bangs that gave him the permanent baseball cap look that her baby brother so desired. That made her brother smile. And again, somewhere in all of that – that nervous smile – she'd seen Justin in there too. When he was that age. When he really did care – what people thought of him and how he was going to fit in – even though he tried to hard not to care. And she'd seen Jay that quite, shy smile on her brother too. In those messy spikes and layering that were trying to look like he hadn't done anything more than run his fingers through bed-head but had clearly been much more involved than that.

And it'd been how Jay had somehow organized their afternoon and evening so that Eth thought he had some sort of say and control in their activities when the whole fucking night had been so perfectly routed and mapped and timed. In the kind of organization that was military precision but was also the underlying reason that Jay had remained an asset in Hank's Intelligence team. Organization, planning – above all else. How he'd staggered their activities between standing in lines and sitting in shows. Between outdoor time and air conditioning. So her baby brother had all the breaks and downtime he needed for them to survive the nearly ten hours they'd been in the park. How he'd known where every bathroom was. And water fountain. How the couple times that Ethan had acted up a bit and given them some of that tween tone or the bit of whining – it'd been Jay who'd shut it down. Briskly and effectively. In a way that Eth had listened – but maybe hadn't even realized he had.

It'd been how he'd managed to schedule their exhibit tour and character meet and greet and dinner at the exact time they needed to stop. How if they'd kept standing in lines and charging through the park at that point, Ethan likely would've been done for. But instead, they'd spent the last few hours of their night just … enjoying each others company while pretending to be in a galaxy far, far away. How they got to sit and absorb it all while Ethan geeked out.

It was how Jay dealt with the chef – and with Ethan – at dinner. How when the chef had come over asking about their "padawan's" dietary requirements – it'd been Jay who'd sat up straighter and fielded the questions and given the answers about what Eth could and couldn't eat. And he'd given them as accurately – if not more accurately – than she likely would've. It was him who'd at with Ethan after looking over the menu under the dim light and helping him read it and reminding him again about what the chef had said he could and couldn't do to make different menu items something Eth could eat.

And he'd effectively let her just sit back and enjoy the evening – that was likely ranked as one of the days on the trip she was less than excited about. But he'd made it all tolerable. It'd made it more than tolerable. He'd let her not just enjoy the stupid Star Wars stuff and the stupider Disney stuff – he'd let her just enjoy being with them. Enjoy both of them. Even though she'd known there'd been point that afternoon and evening … and night … that he'd been struggling with the crowds and the noise. That she could see it in his body language. That she could see him giving himself little mental reminders and pep talks. Focusing himself and isolating himself and centering himself and focusing on his breathing.

But also just focusing so much of himself on Ethan. And her. And pushing through. And still managing to smile and have a good time and be silly and goofy despite the triggers or discomforts he was experiencing. And she knew he had to work for that. To practice it and push for it. But he'd done it.

And that'd meant a lot. To her. To Ethan. To the family they were. And maybe someday would be. To their relationship.

And it was somewhere in that evening – that she'd felt those twinges of love for him, where she knew she was falling in love with him just a little bit more. If that was possible. That she was reminded again – and again – what a nice guy he was. What a good guy he was – for all his flaws. And for all the times he sometimes hurt or frustrated her with the walls and barriers and lack of communication skills they had in their relationship. That he still was giving and loving and caring. Even with the baggage he carried.

And whether it was him insisting that Wookie's were sexy or when he'd made those eyes at her while he was being a tease while waiting for Guardians of the Galaxy, she didn't know. But it'd been somewhere in that evening that it'd just become a given to her that they'd be making love that night. Not because he was cute or sexy – in a Wookie or Star Lord or Groot or Han Solo or Rocket Raccoon or Kermit the Frog kind of way. Just because … she wanted to be with him. Because his qualities as a man were more sexy than what any of those fictional characters embodied.

So when they'd crawled into bed – exhausted – but he'd still leaned over for a small goodnight peck, she'd purposely let it grow into more. Not that she'd had to encourage him too much. Though, she could feel his fatigue too, they'd both settled into the mattress and under the covers and kissed.

And they'd more than kissed. They'd held each other. And stroked each other. And pleasured each other. Gently and quietly. It hadn't been hurried. Or rushed. Or urgent. And she suspected he'd thought from the get that there'd reach a point that she'd tell him that she was just ready to sleep. That the day was exhausting. And the touch was comforting. That she was relaxed and content and ready to close her eyes.

But she wanted more than that that evening. Even though she wouldn't have been upset if that was all he wanted. Because she knew there were triggers for him in the evening. She knew that the night itself was long enough. But with dealing with the crowds, he'd be mentally spent in another way. And when he was like that, sometimes he just needed – or wanted – space. So she had again been letting him take the lead and direct how the night was going to go.

And he'd finally decided to move beyond the kissing. The touching. Even though, he'd been pressing so close to her, she knew that he likely could've hurried them along sometime ago. That he could've made this a quickie, if he wanted. For them to just get some vacation sex and have that hurried release just lead to them crashing out into their sleep even more.

But he hadn't. Until now. Until his hand slipping into the front of her panties. To him just resting his fingers there on her pubic mound. So close – but so far – from where she'd actually like them to be. Him just waiting for her reaction to decide if he was going to move them farther down. If he'd flick at her and caress her and stroke her down there before dipping his fingers ever farther and gathering her wetness – to make his movement feel even more fluid. Or maybe he'd curl them right inside of her. Which would only make her breath catch even more.

She made that decision for him, though. She broke the kiss and touched his cheek. Meeting his eyes. He just looked at her. Heavy arousal had settled into his eyelids and she could see mild apprehension his dilated pupils that it was going to be now that she told him she was ready to go to bed.

But that wasn't what she was ready for. "Just taking them off," she told him.

He gazed at her for a long beat. His hand slipping out of her panties and settling on his hip. But not moving to shimmy them down. Even though she was ready to lift her ass to help him do that. She was about ready to just take that task on herself. And to spread her legs for him and to tug at his waist until he settled onto her and eased himself into her. Until she could feel his weight above her and feel him inside her. And hear his breathing and his heart and feel that other pulse radiating at her core – with her.

"Did you want to move to the shower?" he whispered – much quieter than she'd just spoken to him.

But she shook her head and rubbed at his cheek again. "He's out Jay," she assured, because he was always so nervous that Ethan was going to catch them. At home. At Hank's. The cabin. There – now, on vacation. And he acted like that might permanently scar her little brother. Or it'd at least permanently harm the relationship he had with Ethan. But she didn't think that would be quite the way it would play. If it ever did happen. But she didn't think that was something they had to worry about that night. At all. "We'll be fine."

She could see him processing that. Him thinking about how he felt about that. Him weighing whether he wanted the locked door. Or whether he wanted the comfort of the bed. If he wanted to deal with the slippery hotel tub again. Or cringe about the bathroom counter top and his apparent inability to not see himself in the mirror – because he refused to have sex with his eyes closed.

So he nodded. And he gave her a little smile. But then he moved. Rolling away from her slightly and she grabbed his elbow as his back turned to her. He looked back.

"Hey," she cocked her eyebrow. "Where you going?"

He arched his eyebrow right back. "Condoms," he put to her.

But she shook her head and slide her hand down to grip at his fingers where they'd gone to pressing into the mattress. "We don't need them," she assured him.

And his brow creased and she saw him work to process that too. And Erin just wedged her fingers under his and gripped his hand. And he let her. He returned the grip. Shifting just slightly on the bed to look at her a bit more with question and confusion and maybe a touch of anticipation. Because it had been a while since they'd done it without condoms.

Not since the fall. Not since they'd decided that it wasn't the best time to be trying. Or for them to have any unexpected surprises again. To not have to deal with that stress and pain again – still – on top of everything else they were going through. Not since they'd talked again during bump season and at the beginning of the New Year and decided that it just didn't make sense to even try until they got the work situation sorted out. That they were going to be careful and contentious for now. Extra careful.

Even though they both liked the closeness – the intimacy – of not using the condoms. Even though Jay had way to awkwardly admitted to her that she was the first woman he'd ever had sex with without a condom. And that it'd been a little hard for him to switch back to them using the add protection – at her inability to be as careful with the pills as she should be but her … and his – hesitation about switching to some other method of contraception.

"I'm not … saying I'm going to stop taking the pill," she managed after eyeing him. And those eyes. "I'm just … saying that … like you said the other night … that … our future, our family … the planning around that. It's something that we should be talking about again. And I think … maybe taking down one of the barriers we put up for ourselves … or between ourselves. It's … not a bad thing. And … if something happens again … now … I think … we've got this. We'll be good at it. Or … at least … we'll be OK."

And that smile of his – that looked so good on him, that she loved so much – got a bit bigger. And he squeezed her hand a bit more.

"Are you sure?" he asked her.

Because he always did. Verbally or non-verbally. There was always that ask. Always that opportunity to change her mind. Almost like he still expected her to some day. But she didn't think she would. That she could.

"Yea," she nodded.

Because she was sure. This trip. That night. This man. It all made her very sure. That she – they – were moving in the right direction. That they'd get there. That they'd be OK when they did. That it was going to work out. And that they'd … likely be better at all that came with it than either of them thought.

So maybe it was best to slowly start letting nature … or life … or the universe … start taking its course. One step at a time.

And he just smiled wider. And he came back to bed. And his mouth returned to hers. And his arms embraced her. And she was with him.

And in that moment – that was really all she wanted. For then. And she thought, likely, for always. Because they were going to be just fine. Whatever that was. Even if it meant sometimes gritting your teeth and standing with your elbows out. They would be. And they'd still be able to laugh and be silly and manage to maintain control along the way – even because of, or maybe in spite of – those moments of instability where they had to remind themselves they were OK and given themselves a pep talk through it. But she also knew it was those moments – they were going to be the ones that made her love her more than she thought she already did.

And that was OK too.

AUTHOR NOTE:

OK readers … I'm not sure if this is a FanFiction quirkiness thing or just the depressing reality that if/when I'm not writing Lindstead focused chapters or fluffy/light chapters, I just don't get any comments.

But I from the stats I can see that the readers on the last chapter (Bag of Bones) were like stupid low. Like about 10x lower than usual. And the past three chapters (Mad Skills, Dual Suspension and Bag of Bones) have basically received no reviews or comments. Mad Skillz got a few. I have gotten none for Dual Suspension and one for Bag of Bones.

As usual, it gets sort of depressing when you can see how many readers you do have and you get no comments when there are lots. It's also depressing when you have a lot of readers one chapter and then like none the next. It's confusing. And it makes you feel like it must've sucked bad. Which can be harder if it's a chapter you either put a lot of time and work into, or it was one you were super happy with how it turned out or the issue, topic, character or backstory you got to explore.

I will allow that I posted Mad Skills, Dual Suspension and Bag of Bones all within about 36 hours. And I know Fanfic can sometimes be quirky when you are posting more than one thing in a 24 hour period. So maybe just a lot of you missed them. Even though they've been up several days or more at this point.

So, I'll again say, that it's nice to get some feedback. Whether by reviews or DM.

I'm also going to say that between FF weirdness and some disillusionment about the kind of things that people seem to want to read and the apparently declining readership and feedback, I am setting up a fanfic account over on Wattpad. As some of you know, I do write there already. But this will be a specific fanfic account. I am going to see if the readership and feedback and the kind of stories the reader-base is interested in over there is any different.

For now, I'm just posting things that have previously been written. I will continue to post here too. But depending on how it goes, I might ultimately make the switch. So this is forewarning that may be coming. Potentially.

As for other fair warning, the next several chapters aren't going to be particularly light. They are going to be some pretty heavy, hard stuff for everyone. And Ethan is going to be put through a bit of a wringer again. But it will lead to some meaningful discussions and moments for him and for the other characters — both with him and each other as well.

If that's too heavy for me, I do have other chapters that I have mentioned previously that I'll be working on. And I will eventually still do the Harry Potter chapter and the Ethan getting home to Hank Florida chapters.

As usual … your readership is appreciated. Much appreciation to the one guest reviewer who did review Bag of Bones. Because, also as usual, your reviews, comments and feedback is appreciated — and motivating.