Title: So It Goes
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.
This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.
As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.
This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.
A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).
SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.
"Zoë, look," Ethan heard called behind him and glanced back to see Kim like doing a completely stupid happy smile that he totally recognized as that like complete over-tryin' thing that older sisters did while she waved the Hufflepuff scarf that Erin had made them get down in Florida. And made 'em bring here. Just like she was basically makin' him go and be friends with Kim's sister … or niece … or whatever now.
He kinda got it. Like Erin had 'plained it to him. And Dad had 'plained it to him. Actually it was more like he got another fuckin' lecture from Dad. But that was kinda Dad. Like everything was a fuckin' lecture or the fuckin' interrogation room. 'Cept when it wasn't and he was just Dad. And that was better. Even if he was sorta always in like teach mode and lesson mode and like home school mode. Least he knew lotsa stuff and some of it was pretty fuckin' tight like cars and history and tools and fishin' and rock and punk from like when rock and punk were real and like movies too. He knew all sweet old like classic thrillers and horror movies and mystery movies. Like Hitchcock. That guy was pretty epic.
But he got what they were on about with this Zoë kid. He could kinda feel for Her. He'd kinda been there. Sorta. Maybe.
He just really hated when he was told to be friends with people. And sometimes it was always like Dad and Erin were tryin' to find friends for him.
Dad was totally way worse than Erin. He could be so fuckin' extra sometimes and he like didn't even know it. And it was so dumb cuz Dad definitely had basically no friends. 'Cept maybe Uncle Al. But it was like he just knew everyone but he wasn't friends with anyone. And Ethan didn't think Dad even wanted to be friends with anyone.
So he completely didn't get why Dad thought he needed friends. Or basically couldn't get that maybe he didn't want friends. And he should get it. Cuz people really fucking sucked. Dad knew that.
So maybe they should fuckin' leave him alone. Maybe when he met people that didn't fuckin' suck he'd get his own squad. He didn't need Dad or Erin doin' it for him. And besides he had his fam. There was Eva. She didn't suck.
But some people seemed to really fuckin' change. Like Holly. And Evan. They thought they were all mainstream now. It was so fuckin' thirsty. And based on all the kids in his class, they were all pretty much the same. They all just thought they were GOAT with bein' in Grade Eight. But he was pretty sure most of them were all just flexing now. But that was fuckin' Iggy's. It was so basic as fuck. And they didn't even know.
But whatever. He'd talk to this kid. He just so hated bein' told what to do. And he really fuckin' hated talkin' to strangers. Especially kids. Because they looked at him in a totally different way.
He could see this Zoë kid lookin' at him now. And, yea, he could get why. Cuz Erin was making him go talk to her when she was so fuckin' clearly casting shade over at her sister or aunt or whateva. Like she definitely didn't want him goin' over there as much as he didn't want to be goin' up there. So maybe they could keep this all just brief. Low key.
Thing was it was taking fuckin' forever to get to her. Cuz she had to be sittin' up in the bleachers. And Erin had to go makin' him take the rest of this stuff up to her. And stairs were basically his fuckin' enemy. Not that like bleachers were real stairs. And it'd rained that morning. So it was all fuckin' slippery. And his crutches just weren't grippin' worth shit. And Zoë was fucking starin' at him. He could tell.
Gave her a look when he got up to where she was sittin' in the top corner. "Hey," he offered flatly when he got up there finally.
She'd fuckin' looked away when he got up there finally. Clearly wanted to be 'friends' as much as Erin and Dad were tryin' to make him be 'friends'. But he held out the chocolate frog and scarf he'd been tryin' to balance in his hand and fuckin' destroy the heel of his hand with the crutches while gettin' up to her. "We got this stuff for you in Florida. At Universal."
She gave him a little glance. Well more like she gave the stuff a glance. He could tell she wanted it. But he knew the look.
He'd played that game with Dad and Erin too. Ya know, the one were you tried to act like you were totally not into it even when you were, just to try to make a fuckin' point to them and get them to leave you alone. Even if you really didn't want them to leave you alone, but you just really fuckin' wanted them to get it. Like all of it.
And they never did.
So ya had to try to show them by making sure they kinda hurt like even like a miscue amount of how much you were fuckin' hurting. But how they always seemed to act like they didn't hurt that much or that you shouldn't be hurting that much. And like you just needed to suck it all up, and like it would all be better and easier and no big deal when you were older. And they just fuckin' treated you like a little kid when you weren't.
So you gave them those kind of looks. Like the cold shoulder. Or Chief Thunder Cloud. That's what Dad was always callin' it. Or Henry's fuckin' Pout-Pout Fish. Now Dad always said that like it was funny. And it completely was completely unfunny. Like the total opposite.
But he could also sort of see that Zoë was definitely giving him the Pout-Pout Fish. He sort of got it then. What Dad meant. But he also could sort of get maybe why she was doin' it. Like she didn't want to be there or talkin' to him and she was goin' through shit and hurtin'. He'd at least gotten that much from what Dad had said. And he could tell she definitely wanted this stuff. Even if she was goin' to act all like she didn't. Because her sister or aunt or whateva had asked 'em to get it for her. And she was likely tryin' to be mad at Kim so she got how much stuff sucked right now. And so she fuckin' knew how much she hated the fact that she'd made her come here.
So Ethan just reached and swiped some of the water still sitting on the bench away and then put the stuff down next to her and sat down too – joining her in staring over at all the setting up that was going on for the Cubs fundraiser. It was likely goin' to be a pretty lit day. But had pretty much sussed out that she didn't feel that way at all.
"Hufflepuff, huh?" he muttered as he watched them measurin' out the bases for the skillz comp.
He was pretty sure Eva was likely gonna kill the base run. She had total velocity since getting her knew prost.
But now she was all about usin' that on the court. Sorta figured that she might do ball this season but after they were freshman she was pretty much definitely going to switch to b-ball. Basically she'd had a killer enough season with the Hornets that the Skyhawks were already totally scouting her.
That was pretty lit. But she didn't know if she wanted to be just on the like second-string training and development team rather than playin' and he could kinda see her point.
But she also thought that Iggy's girls' b-ball were gonna let her on the Wolf Pack even though he'd told her she was pretty much trippin' if she thought that was gonna happen.
Besides, Wolf Pack teams totally sucked. Iggy's definitely was not a sports school. They were like completely bottom of all of Chicagoland. It was pretty fuckin' pathetic. She'd do totally better just stickin' with RIC. At least their teams went to like national everything in pretty much every sport. But he got you couldn't really get like a college scholarship on like a disability or accessibility team. Which was so fuckin' basic because RIC athletes went to the fucking Olympics and brought home gold but couldn't play in the NCAA? Kinda bullshit.
Other bullshit was that it was probably going to be Evan's last season with the Cubs too. At least the Junior Cubs. Because he had mad skillz with tossin' the ball and the men's team was after him too. Same, though. He'd just be all T+D until he hit sixteen and could get on the mound for them. But he seemed to be cool doin' that for a season.
So it could get super weird after this season if he had to stick around on the Juniors until he aged out and could try out for the men's league. Likely be like Robotics this year. All these jagoffs and he'd just have to wait it out. Hopefully the new group of kids that were brought up this year behind them would be decent. Maybe some squad material?
Or it was so going to suck. And suck too because Eva might think she was Wolf Pack material and maybe she could somehow convince them to at least like train and practice and drill with them. But Iggy's would never let him near any of their teams beyond bein' a fuckin' water boy. And he wasn't gonna do that shit for those assholes. They barely even let him do PE. Like he'd break for something. Or they'd sue 'em. Or Dad would go in and bust their skulls and nuts. That'd be sweet. He'd be so 'K with that happening. Maybe. Then again maybe not. Epic fallout.
"Hufflepuff is kinda tight," he allowed. "Newt." She gave him a small glance and he shifted to try to meet her eyes. Cuz Dad was always givin' him shit about not lookin' people in the eyes. And besides usually if he was keepin' their eyes it meant they weren't all lookin' at other stuff on his face. "Scamander," he clarified.
"I know," Zoë said quietly and gazed down at the chocolate frog box.
"Yea," Ethan nodded. "Fantastic Beasts was pretty tight. Newt's basically my fav. Like even better than any of the Harry Potter crew."
He watched as she reached and picked up the box to look at it.
"I'm Gryffindor, though," he told her.
She gave a little nod and turned the box in her hand, starin' at the stuff on the back.
"Did you get one?" she asked, still like super quietly. "What wizard card did you get?"
"Nah," he allowed. "I can't eat chocolate." She gave him a real weird look at that but Ethan just shrugged. "We got them for my friend Eva and her brothers tho. She got Rowena Ravenclaw. She one brother got Bowan Wright? He's like the inventor of the golden snitch. Or something. So that's kinda cool. I don't think her other brother has opened his yet. But he's like seventeen. So, ya know, he prolly doesn't care."
She gave him like this super thin smile at that and set the box back down. "Thanks," she muttered, starin' at the scarf.
"Sure," he shrugged. "I'm Ethan … by the way. Erin's my sister," he added gesturin' down to her and Kim standin' at the bottom of the bleachers. They were so tryin' to look like they were talkin' but it was super obvious they were watchin' them. And when they weren't watchin' them it was so obvious that they were likely talkin' about them.
"Zoë …," she allowed again at like a total whisper.
He just nodded. Cuz he'd got that much. Like her name and that she was like a year younger than him and that she was related to Kim and that she was new to the city or back in the city after a while or something and that her family was dealing with some pretty crappy stuff too. That'd pretty much been the lowdown he'd been given in the like be-nice-to-her lecture that Dad had gone off on. And like him havin' to go do it by remindin' him how much stuff sucked overall for him. Like that would make him want to be friends with her or something.
"You went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter?" she finally asked after they both just sat there again. Cuz it was kinda of awkward and uncomfortable. But he figured he was supposed to sit there until Erin was done talkin' to Kim and he figured she was just gonna keep talkin' to her until it looked like the registration tables were open. And it looked like that was gonna be a bit cuz the rain had totally made this day a whole rain-delay deal. Sucked balls even more.
"Yea," he allowed because that was fuckin' obvious. Harry Potter.
"Was it fun?" she asked, givin' him another small glance.
"Definitely," Ethan allowed.
"Did it feel like you were really at Hogwarts?" she asked.
Ethan gave a little nod. "Yea, the castle is definitely pretty awesome. The greenhouses are just tight. And Forbidden Journey's prolly the best ride. But Diagon Alley is just lit. They've got like an actual fire breathing dragon. And you can buy all this like Dark Arts and Death Eater stuff in Knockturn Alley. And there's store where you can basically adopt the Beasts too. It's pretty sweet."
Zoë gave him a shy smile. "Did you go in Ollivanders?"
"Yea, definitely," Ethan nodded. "Me and Erin got picked to have a wand pick us or whatever."
"Did you get to keep it?" Zoë asked.
"Well, you hafta pay for it," Ethan muttered, "but yea. It's pretty epic, though. 'Cuz you get like this map and it shows you all these spells. So basically you can make all these statues and windows and fountains do insane stuff. If you cast your spells right. Some of it's way hard. You hafta to do it just right. But we did find all the Beasts. So that was sweet. Got like this Ministry of Magic thing."
Zoë gave him another shy little smile so he returned it. Cuz he knew it likely sounded like he was completely geekin' out which was sorta lame. But it had been pretty killer goin' through the park. Neat too cuz Erin had totally fan-girled too and unless it was like a totally rare vinyl find she didn't do that. She usually completely cast shade at his fandom shit. Not in a mean way. Just in like an older sister way. But not that day and it'd be sorta of awesome.
Kinda awesome too 'cuz she actually talked about Mom and told some stories and stuff. And usually she only did that when he completely out and asked her. But she just did that day. It'd been so weird but awesome and kinda of sad. 'Cuz he could tell that Erin really missed Mom too and usually she didn't say that even though he could tell sometimes. Tho, he could more tell with Dad. Like a lot, a lot.
"Sorry …,"Ethan mumbled. "My family says I kinda of motor-mouth when I get on stuff."
Zoë gave him a little shrug and reached to actually pick up the scarf to look at it. "It's OK," she said. "It's really neat your family went. My parents say that kind of stuff is really tacky and would never take me even though I really want to go."
"Yea," Ethan allowed. "My Dad's kinda got a stick up his ass about that kinda stuff too sometimes. It was my sister who took me. Erin. And like her boyfriend or fiancée or whatever. Jay. He works with your sister too."
"Kim's my aunt," Zoë put flatly, givin' them her own inspection. They were totally still over there treatin' them like some kind of zoo animals they were watchin' or like a social experiment or whateva. Like observin' them as some kind of experiment.
"Oh, yea, right …" Ethan nodded. Guess that made sense. Like most kids his age didn't have sisters Erin's age. Unless they were aunts. But that's not a sister.
"Your sister is way older than you …" Zoë mumbled pullin' her eyes away from Erin and Kim and lookin' all sad- and mad-like out ccross the field 'gain.
"Yea …," Ethan agreed. "She's like thirty. Or … thirty-one, I guess. It's her birthday today."
"Oh," Zoe said lookin' back down at them 'gain.
"Yea. I'm thirteen," he said. "Or like I'll be fourteen in June. Grade Eight."
"I'm twelve," Zoë said.
Ethan gave a little nod. "Yea. My Dad kinda mentioned." Zoe gave him a weirded out look. "I mean just like that you were basically my age and that you and Kim and your mom might be coming today."
"Oh …," she allowed and then went back to her whispered voice. "My mom's not coming."
"Yea …," Ethan allowed quietly, giving her a nervous look. "My Dad said too you're your family is going through some hard stuff right now. It sucks when people you care about get hurt."
Zoë looked away quickly and slouched onto her knees and like hugged herself.
Ethan kinda knew that body language too. He did it too. Cuz it sucked when people knew stuff about you. Or at least they thought they did.
Most people didn't know shit even when they thought they did. And even if they thought they knew what happened or what you were going through, they definitely didn't know how you felt at all. They couldn't get it.
Especially the grown-ups. They couldn't remember what things felt like as kids at all. They wanted you to deal with it all like an adult too. And you may not be a fuckin' little kid but you weren't an adult either and you weren't gonna feel like they felt. And you weren't gonna just act all like it was super easy to move on and forget about it and all that either. But that didn't mean you wanted to be thinkin' 'bout it or talkin' 'bout it all the time. Sometimes you just wanted to basically forget about it all too. Completely. Like oblivion.
"Sorry …," Ethan said. "I didn't mean anythin' by it or to like upset you. I just meant … I dunno. Sorry."
Zoë just looked down at Erin and Kim 'gain. Kinda glarin' at them.
"Why's your dad know so much about me?" She asked all mad-like.
"Oh ...," Ethan muttered. "My dad's Kim's like S.O. Like her boss. Voight. Like I'm Ethan Voight. Hank. That's my dad."
That angry look she was givin' Kim and Erin put him I the crosshairs instead. Totally unfair. But she musta known that cuz it went back to them. But she still kinda mumbled sorta like all angry, "Your sister is basically older than my aunt and almost my mom's age."
Like maybe that was supposed to be some kinda insult to him? But Ethan didn't know if it was that insultin'. He sorta thought having an older sister was kinda of great. 'Cuz she wasn't as old as Dad so she sorta knew more stuff about stuff. And, generally, Erin was way cooler than Dad. Though sometimes she could be just as lame. Or lamer.
But mostly it was like she was a great age to have an older sister. 'Cuz she knew stuff and could drive and had money to pay for shit and took him out and did things with him and some of it was pretty cool stuff. And she had her own place. Which was fuckin' sweet. And it meant he could completely get away from Dad when he was bein' a total dick. But since she didn't live with them he could completely get away from her too when she was bein' a fuckin' annoyin' sister. Which Erin really fuckin' could be sometimes. Like super annoyin'. And girl-like. Even tho she tried to be all bad-ass.
But, yeah. Sometimes it was kinda of confusin'. Since she was like an adult. And sometimes it kinda of felt maybe like she was more like an aunt. Not that he really had an aunt for comparison. But she definitely sometimes tried to be all bossy, like she was his fuckin' mom and thought he had to listen to her as much as he would have to listen to Dad. Which he totally didn't. But she got mad AF when he didn't listen to her. It was just sometimes she could be so fuckin' alpha and get all up his ass about the stupidest things. When he just wanted her to be his sister not whatever she was being. Like tryin' to be Dad or something.
But like what was he supposed to say? That it was weird havin' a big sister who was basically old enough to be his mom? Like he got that. People made that mistake all the time when they were out together. And it was really kind of annoyin' AF. But he didn't think it was that weird. Like he really couldn't imagine what it was like havin' like a brother or sister that was basically your age. Like he saw how Eva and Avery got along and they pretty much just seemed to annoy each other and piss each other off and fight constantly. But he sussed him and Erin were kinda that way too. Maybe him and J. But like Erin was still relatively BAE even when she sucked. Sometimes. As far as an older sister was concerned.
"Yea, I think my parents like missed the whole lesson on family plannin' in school or something," was all Ethan responded to that shade, though. "Or they're so old they didn't talk about that kinda of stuff back then. I dunno."
Zoë allowed him a little smile again. "Are your parents really old?" she asked.
He shrugged. "I dunno. I guess not. But my Dad is like a literal grandpa. Like I have a nephew who's like one and a half."
Zoë made a sound that was almost a giggle and looked at him. "So you're like an uncle?"
"Yea," he nodded. "Like pretty much the best uncle ever right here. Or like hopefully he'll think that later, I mean. Right now he basically just wants to kinda hand me toys, throw his toys or run around in circles. But he's gettin' to be more fun. He's comin' later. Likely. So you'll prolly get to meet him."
"I've only met Adam," Zoë said. "From Kim's work."
Ethan nodded. "Yea, they were like engaged or something,?"
Zoë shrugged. "I guess. For like nine months."
Ethan nodded. Maybe that was supposed to mean something. He sort of thought people usually didn't get engaged all long like. But Jay and Erin had been engaged basically foreva and seemed all happy most of the time. Like happier than a lot of grown-ups he knew and they acted kinda married-like with a house and stuff. So maybe they had it all figured out. Like they didn't break up after nine months of being engaged. If that was something people did? So maybe they were totally in the clear. He hoped. Cuz he liked Erin happy. And he liked Jay. So he didn't want them to like break up or not get married or whatever.
He looked over to Erin again. Tried to suss her out some. But she still seemed like basically her.
She caught his eyes tho and raised her eyebrow at him like she did. She was likely tryin' to tell him he wasn't bein' nice enough or friendly enough or whatever. But he didn't really know how to talk to this girl or what to talk about. He didn't really know whadda talk to anyone about ever. And it was super hard to talk to strangers. He didn't even like doin' that with anyone.
"I like your aunt," he tried. "She came to my birthday last year. And Christmas Eve this year. And sometimes I like crash her and Erin gettin' breakfast. They seem tight. Like Girl Power at work. Kim's always real nice to me."
"Yea ... she's nice," Zoë managed.
He slipped his feet along the bench. He tried to make streaks in the water there and like make a damn with his shoes and get the water to pool more all in one place.
The slidin' into the bases contest was going to be a total mud fest. That was actually likely gonna be pretty awesome. Like a complete slip-and-slide and mud bath. But he could totally see them cancellin' that event tho, 'cuz the parental units would likely get all worked up about gettin' their clothes and uniforms so dirty and gettin' in the cars and on the L and whatever covered in mud. Basically be lameass. Actually there'd probably be some parents who likely thought they should just reschedule the whole thing. They'd get all worked up that someone would slip and get hurt or they might get rained on and catch pneumonia or some stupid shit.
"You like baseball?" Ethan asked, giving her another glance.
"Not really," Zoë said.
"Oh …" Ethan watched her. She was still all like tucked into herself like he was goin' to attack her or something. Or like he'd said something that had been a real punch to her gut. "Well, are you going to do the skillz contest?" he asked anyway. 'Cuz if she wasn't, why'd they even come? But she just shrugged. "You know, this skillz comp, it's like an official MLB thing. If you do real good, you could end up getting to compete at real Major League Ballpark or even maybe go to All-Star Week."
"I don't really like baseball," she said.
"Yea, but there's some sweet prizes," he tried. "Like the real Cubs are our sponsors so there's usually some real tight stuff. For everyone. Not like just the winners."
"I thought this was some kind of fundraiser?" she gave him total side-eye.
He shrugged. "Yea … it is. But RIC just really wants to get to represent in the whole PHR Skills Comp. Be pretty epic if some of the RIC players get to advance. Amirite?"
"What's RIC?" she asked.
"Oh …," Ethan mumbled because maybe no one had really told her what the event was she was at or why they were doin' it or what they were fundraisin' for. And that was just … awkward. "It's the Rehab Institute. So they do like … physical therapy and cognitive therapy and occupational therapy and all of that. They have some pretty awesome stuff. And for like us. Kids and teens and youth or whateva. You could probably join if you wanted. Like if you're going to be in Chicago for a while."
"I'm not and I'm not…" she kinda stared at him and he could tell she was tryin' to find some sort of word that wasn't offensive.
So at least she was sorta nice enough to do that. 'Cuz some people weren't. Tho, people kinda decidin' what was and wasn't 'K to say on their own was kind of offensive too. 'Cuz it was kinda like it gave them the go-ahead to define the words and sorta decide which were the bad ones. And that sucked too.
But Ethan just shrugged at her. "My dad had kinda said you got hurt real bad a few years back so I didn't know if you still did any sort of PT or whatever."
"I don't," she muttered and looked away 'gain. "Just doctor's appointments sometimes."
He nodded. "Well, I dunno. You might still be able to get to do some of the stuff if your doctor gave you a note. My friend Evan is hardly disabled. Like you can barely tell he was hurt or sick. Unless you look at his hand basically. But he still gets to use RIC. But I guess he still does rehab stuff. You might want to check. Some of their parties and drop-in stuff and like summer camps and weekend classes and stuff are pretty lit. Like I do rock climbing. And I might do scuba lessons this summer. Maybe. We did snorkelling n Florida too. Like with just a mask. We found all these shark teeth fossils. And shells."
It was seriously awesome. Like total 500. Nearly as lit as the parks. Like even Jurassic Park and Star Wars and Harry Potter. Outta the park actually. But She gave him more side-eye. He gazed at her. Since she clearly wasn't down with talkin' 'bout Florida or sharks or fossils.
"Do you play any other sports? We have all sorts of leagues."
"Soccer," she muttered. "In Pittsburgh. Not here. And I'm not in a wheelchair."
He squinted at her. "Yea," he muttered with some of his own anger and fuckin' annoyance. Cuz he really hated how people always thought disability meant a wheelchair. Actually he completely hated like 'disability' as a word at all. Cuz of what people thought it meant and what it looked like and how they treated you if you were 'disabled'. "Neither am I." She cast him another look and he glared hard to try to get her to take the point and the hint. "Neither are my friends Eva or Evan. And no one on my team."
She just made a sound and looked away again. She was seriously doin' the Pout-Pout fish hard. Dad had a point. It was a shitty look on anyone.
"So basically with all the RIC sports there's a wheelchair team and an accessibility team," Ethan mumbled.
'Cuz he could completely tell she totally didn't care. Or at least she was tryin' to act like she didn't give a shit. But he also knew that sometimes he did that when it wasn't true. He just didn't want people to know like how alone he felt and how much he was hurtin'. But that didn't totally mean he wanted them to leave him a lone either. 'Cuz sometimes bein' alone hurt more. Cuz then you got all in your own head and that just sucked in a completely different way. It was like scary. People bein' around made it all way less scary even if you didn't really want them around you still did in a way. It was basically really frustrating' and confusin' and it sucked giant balls.
"I'm on the accessibility team. For ball," he said. "And the season starts in a few weeks. So we're just tryin' to raise some cash."
"But the Cubs are you sponsors …?" she mumbled off into her elbow.
"Well … yea," Ethan squinted at her.
"So then why do you need to have a fundraiser?" she put to him.
"Umm …," he thought about it. "I dunno. Like they are our major sponsor but it's not like they pay for everything. And like RIC got invited down to a tournament at the Field of Dreams," he told her. Cuz it was fuckin' excite' but she just looked at him like he was some kind of alien. "It's a baseball movie," he sighed. "But the actual diamond … it's in Iowa. So it's kinda far. And this year's Invitationals at the end of the season are supposed to be in Baltimore. So that's way far too. So there's like travel costs if we're gonna go and if we get to the World Series …"
She just stared at him. He shrugged. "Well, and like Under Armor kinda supplied some of stuff too. Like did discounts or subsidies for cleats and stuff. But the team kinda voted and it sounds like most people don't want to be usin' that anymore. You know, since Under Armor really supports Trump and since he's got a problem with people with disabilities. So, some people on the team might need some help changin' out their gear."
She just stared at him more. But he was kinda of used to that too. It seemed like most people gave him that look when he talked. Like besides his family. And maybe Eva and Avery. It was like he didn't say stuff right or explain it good or something.
"And really RIC does like a bunch of stuff for the RIC kids," he tried again. "Like camp and parties and dances and the drop-in. And all the pediatric stuff, we just got this totally new building. The Ability Lab? Have you seen it? It's that big glass tower just off Mag Mile? Like it's the whole block between Ontario and Erie?" She was still giving him that look. "So, yeah … anyways … the stuff they've got there for our PT and rehab is just … state of the art. It's seriously lit. Like way better than before at the adult center and hospital. So … not all the money we raise today is goin' to ball. Like it's for everyone."
She wasn't even lookin' then. She prolly wasn't even listenin'. And Ethan couldn't decide if that was cuz he was talkin' weird or cuz she was mad at Kim or her mom or like she was just hurtin'. If she was anything like him it was prolly kind of all of that. 'Cuz that's how he felt most of the time about basically everything. Especially if that everything was some bullshit his dad or Erin were forcin' him to do.
"Anyways …" he mumbled, givin' her his own side-eye. "Basically … doing the skillz comp is free and you don't have to be an RIC kid to do it. My friend Eva's little brother is going to do it. They'll prolly be here soon."
He really hoped so 'cuz hopefully then Erin would let him go and hang with them rather than keep sittin' here under some kind of guard. Though, Eva's grandma was bringing them and she was like crazy strict. Like even stricter than Dad. So hangin' with them might not be too much fun. But hopefully it also meant that Eva wouldn't be havin' to babysit Avery so they could actually like really hang. And do some of the cool shit.
Ethan so wanted to do the Grand Slam contest. And Dad had already said he'd pay for his first six balls. Tho Dad also said he was goin' to do it too. And Dad fuckin' hit. Like major pop. Outta the park too. Easy.
And Jay. And Will. They were gonna do it too. But Ethan was pretty sure Dad would beat 'em. Even though Will said he used to play ball, but Jay said he was only the bat boy.
"You're gonna to play on our kickball team, tho, right?" he asked. "That's not really baseball. And you play soccer. So … ?"
She gave him even more side-eye.
He shrugged. "I just thought your sis … I mean aunt ... was on our team. But it's cool if you just wanna watch or whatever."
She slumped forward 'gain and put her chin on her hands on her knees. Ethan copied her. Cuz it was definitely a good way to sit and it made it a whole lot more comfortable on the benches and to see through to the set-up going on. And to make them way less visible to Erin and Kim all lookin' at them.
"This is close to Kim's condo. I can walk back whenever I want," Zoë muttered.
Ethan nodded. "Coolio. Erin and Jay looked up here for a place too.. Is Kim in Roscoe?" Zoë just gave him another glance.
Maybe she didn't really know. Dad did say she was basically kinda new to Chicago. Or just moved back or whatever. And didn't know too many people yet. But like he didn't really believe that if she was basically just back that her sis… aunt … would be lettin' her walk home alone. Especially if her mom had just gotten hurt. Like this might be like an uber nice area of Chicago but when he was twelve Dad basically didn't let him walk anywhere more than like four blocks away on his own. Like ever. Unless it was to school or to District.
"This is our home field," he said. "For the Cubs."
"It looks like pavement," she muttered.
He shrugged. "Well, that one is for the wheelchair team to use," he said. "I mean, there's fourteen other diamonds here."
She didn't seem all that impressed. But Ethan thought it was a pretty killer ballpark. Like it was the Park of Legends. But he didn't think she'd know what he meant if he told her and that he'd likely explain it wrong and who Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, Ron Santo, and Billy Williams were. And then she'd give him that look again.
"So yeah … I think they're going to be doing the kickball on that diamond. But the skillz comps will be on another one. The kickball's just for fun, tho. Well, all of it is. I mean, my nephew, Henry … he's on our team. But he's pretty good at kicking. And people will let him get to base. Because he's killa cute. And Jay. He used to play soccer. So he'll actually be good. And his brother is gonna play. And my dad. Or at least he'll be a base coach or something. And my Aunt Trudy. Maybe you met her? Like … Sergeant Platt?"
Zoë gave him another small glance at that. "She's you're aunt?"
"Not like real aunt. I just call her that. Her and my dad have worked together along time. I think she's basically known me since I was a baby maybe. But her and her husband live near here too. And my friend Evan lives on the North Side too. Him and Eva and her brother and her grandma are all going to play. It will be fun. And people basically sponsored us since it's like CPD and RIC and all that."
Zoë gave him another look. "This is what you're making your sister do on her birthday?" she said.
And he knew the voice. He used it all the time too. When he was tryin' to get people to leave him alone. But like he was tryin' to make them to hurt or at least feel pretty shit in the process.
Ethan only shrugged, tho. "She said she wanted to," he offered. And scrubbed his chin against his hands on his knees. "Her friend died on her birthday like two years ago. So she said that she wanted to do something distractin' but like something that she thought her friend would've liked a lot. And she says that her friend would've really liked me. And that she would've totally supported the stuff RIC does to help kids. And she definitely would've signed up to be on our kickball team and that she probably would've gotten us the most sponsors too 'cuz she knew how to talk to people real good."
And he didn't. And Ethan knew he probably wouldn't have talked to Erin's friend real good either. But she sounded like she was real nice too when Erin talked about her. And he sorta thought he probably would've liked her.
But he was really just glad that Erin had decided to let them do anything for her birthday. Cuz she'd said at first that she didn't want to do anything and she said that she just wanted like alone time with Jay. But that kind of sucked a lot. Cuz it was her birthday and you should spend your birthday with family. Especially now.
And she'd missed her last birthday with them and it was an important one. Like turning thirty was a big deal cuz you're basically officially old. She kept saying she was more like officially a grown-up. But it just seemed kinda old. Even though Erin didn't seem that old. Like she was still fun and didn't dress or act that old and still liked some pretty cool things. Some. Or at least she liked kinda like retro stuff that was sorta cool too.
But she hadn't come to his Robotics Regionals last year on her birthday weekend. And she'd barely let Dad take her out for dinner. And then she'd gone away with Jay. So they basically did nuttin' for her birthday. And that sort of sucked. Cuz holidays are for family time. And birthdays were a basically a holiday. And should have traditions and all that. And really birthdays were important and you only got so many and sometimes it could be your last one and you didn't even know it. And no one else did either. So you should pretty much spend it with family. Always.
"She said she wanted to spend it with her family too," Ethan muttered, rubbing his cheek against his knuckles. Cuz she had. Like maybe she got it too. Or maybe she just said that for him. But Ethan just knew he got his whole fam together that day so he didn't care too much why. He just really cared that Erin had agreed. "Our brother died in the summer." He saw Zoë give him another glance at that. "And our mom's dead. It kinda sucks. So we're basically spending today together."
Zoë gazed at him. Like it was pretty much the first time since goin' all Pottermore that she'd looked at him. But maybe she was finally catchin' on that he wasn't tryin' to be a dick. And that like maybe Erin had sent him up there for a reason. And maybe like her aunt wouldn't be lettin' him chill with her if he was a complete jagoff. And like maybe other people had shit going on in their lives too. But he got that sometimes it sucked acknowledgin' that other people had to deal with just as hard stuff or harder than you. Not that it was a fuckin' competition and not like stuff was comparable. Just like Eva's stuff wasn't the same as his stuff. But both of their situations blew bad. But sometimes you just really had to be low key. Or else you'd just lose yourself if you let it all be like … Chief Thunder Cloud stuff. Or oblivion. Both were sorta savage and not in like a good savage way.
"But your dad isn't here, is he? Or her fiancée?"
Ethan allowed her a little smile at that. But it was like more his own smile. Cuz it made him think of that morning. And it'd been so bad. But his family definitely didn't know how to like pull off anything that didn't go all stupid. Like maybe that was their biggest tradition. That it had to be stupid bad so it could be stupid good.
He rubbed his cheek against his knuckles again. "Jay got her a barbecue for her birthday."
"A barbecue?" Zoë scrunched up her nose.
Ethan smiled. "Yea. And it was super funny because it was this totally huge box and she was so excited openin' it. I think she thought it was like new speakers or something. But it wasn't. Her face was hilarious."
"That's kinda … bad," she agreed.
"Yea," Ethan acknowledged. "I mean, it sorta makes sense cuz they just go their house in the fall and like Jay's been talkin' all winter about the grills coming on sale and gettin' to have barbecues. And like … Erin likes barbecue. Or at least my Dad's. But yea … it's a barbecue. Erin said it's almost as bad as when my dad got my mom a frying pan that he says was like some cast iron skillet like that makes it any better. Like Jay hadn't heard that story a billion times like the rest of us and still went and got her a barbecue."
Zoë scrunched up her nose more. "So is he out buying her a better present?"
Ethan shook his head and laughed a little into his elbow. "No. But he so should. My dad is givin' both of them a hard time 'bout it. Like he's bustin' Jay's balls for being all clueless but tellin' Erin that she should see it as a lifetime commitment of him cooking for her and be grateful."
"He should definitely go get her a different present," Zoe said.
"Yea," Ethan grunted. "Maybe I should text him and tell him that. But like what would he get her basically last minute."
"Flowers. That is definitely a good start," Zoë said in a way that only a girl would. Eva always said that about flowers too. Ethan did not get what the thing was about flowers. They smelled way too much and then they died. Why spend money on that? Like a barbecue seemed like a better gift then flowers.
"Maybe …," he mumbled and pulled out his phone, lookin' at it and tryin' to text to Jay. Maybe he could like go get Erin a record or something. Or ice cream. It pretty much made everything better and Erin liked ice cream. A lot. Maybe that'd make her forget about the barbecue and be way better than stinky flowers.
"So is he not here because Erin's mad at him?" Zoë asked.
He glanced at her and shoved his phone back into his pocket. Cuz it'd hafta wait. Cuz if Erin saw him using it she'd likely come and take it away since he was supposed to be talkin' to Zoë and not screwin' around on his phone. Even if he was tellin' Jay that he should get her something better.
"Nah," he shrugged. "I mean, I don't think she's that mad really. They kinda just tease each other a lot and do this like fake annoyed stuff. Most of the time. Sometimes they're pissed at each other. But she didn't seem pissed. Just like … that he was stupid. Like really stupid cuz he bought one that wasn't put together and he forgot to buy propane. When he like basically he bought it to cook her dinner tonight. Like her other present she got to unwrap was steak."
"Steak?" Zoë gaped at him.
"Yea. Like it wasn't even in wrapping paper. It was like in butcher paper in a birthday bag." And it was completely fuckin' hilarious. Cuz Erin liked steak. But who the fuck wants meat in a bag as a present? Tho maybe it'd be different if it was like jerky or smoked trout. But bloody dead cow?
Zoë made a face. "So they actually are getting divorced now. Before they get married."
"Nah, he just had to stay home to like actually put it together and go and buy like gas for it."
"And your dad is helping him?" Zoë asked.
"I think his brother is. But my dad … like our family tradition is that everyone gets to ask for what meal they want on their birthday. So even though Jay and Erin are doing a barbecue, Erin still told dad that she wants Classy Chicken. She asks for it every year and it's super gross. Like it looks like yellow diarrhea full of undigested broccoli chunks."
Zoë made a gagging sound and Ethan laughed.
"Yea, it's disgusting. It's like canned creamed chicken soup and melted cheddar cheese and curry powder."
"That does not sound edible!" Zoë said.
"It's totally not," Ethan agreed. "And usually my dad refuses to make it. But like this year he is. Cuz she's been asking about it forever. Like he won't even give her the recipe 'cuz he thinks it's that gross. So she looked it up online and made it herself. But she said it didn't taste right. And Jay said it was 'very special'."
Ethan laughed. Zoë scrunched her nose again. "Did you have to eat it?"
He shook his head. "I can't. But like no loss. And really my dad making it prolly won't even be that good like she wants cuz it was my mom who made it all the time. And only Erin and my mom liked it. And she still asks for it even now. And now she wants this strawberry cake my mom made too. So that's gonna be a total disaster too. 'Cuz my dad completely can't bake. Like seriously it doesn't matter what he tries to make or the recipe or anything, it all basically is as hard as a rock. And he swears a lot while he's doing it. So I'm never allowed to be home. Basically he puts like twenty bucks in the Swear Jar up front before he even starts baking."
Zoë gave him a shy smile but at least she was smiling again. Like she had a kinda of nice smile. He guessed. And not in like a gross way.
"ETHAN!" he heard shouted at him and looked across toward the sound.
Eva had got there and she'd brought her whole gear bag. He'd wanted to do that too but Dad hadn't let him. Now with her hurtin' it, Avery was like basically already sprintin' up to the registration table.
Her grandma wasn't there but she likely was parking. It sucked when she drove them anywhere because she always drove around and around and around until she found the perfect spot. Like seriously sometimes it would've been faster to walk wherever they were goin' then to get a lift. Ethan figured that Eva had managed to convince her to drop them off at the park and then to go on her hunt.
He gave her a wave and Eva pointed over at the diamond where they were settin' up all the stuff for the Pitch, Hit, Run competiton and the one next to it where it looked like they already had the table set up to sell tickets for the Grand Slam Contest. He could sorta see the balls set up at the mound and the choice of bats hung along the fence. But he made himself look back over at Zoë.
"That's my friend Eva," he said. "I think registration is open now. You sure you don't wanna do the Skillz Comp? I mean, the worst that will happen is that you'll get like a Cubs keychain or magnet or sticker or something."
Zoë looked at him. For a sec he thought her answer was still no. And he got that. He mighta said no too. But it meant That she was still going to do the Pout-Pout fish. But she finally stood up and trotted down the bleachers to hand her Harry Potter swag to Kim.
"We're going to go sign up to do the Skills Competition," Zoë told Kim.
"Oh …," Kim looked a little surprised or like a lot and cast Ethan a look as he worked his way down the steps of the bleacher but gave him a little smile. "OK!"
Zoë just shrugged and looked at Erin. "Happy birthday," she said.
Erin smiled. "Thanks," she allowed and gave Ethan's shoulder a little squeeze when he got down. "You know the whole kickball team is invited back over to my house after. We're going to have a barbecue and some cake."
Zoë gave Ethan a silly smile. And he caught it. He kinda liked it. He gave her a shyer one back. Cuz it was sorta like a secret. Cuz he wasn't gonna tell Erin he was talkin' 'bout her yellow diarrhea. But he'd likely tell Zoë she didn't have to eat it if she came.
"I kinda heard," Zoë said. "I mean, Ethan said so."
His sister smiled at him too and shook his shoulder. "Yea?"
That clearly made her happy. But erin had done a total mom thing, or at least a total Dad thing, and told him that what she really wanted for her birthday was for everyone to get alone and be nice to each other. So he had been. Cuz Erin wanted it and cuz Zoë had been through some shit too and he knew that sucked but she still seemed nice 'nuff and Kim was too.
"So then I hope I'll see you and Kim there too," Erin said.
Zoë shrugged so he'd definitely have to tell her there'd be BBQ chicken there and not just chicken poop. And not just bloody cow neither.
"Yeah. Maybe," she said and she started to follow in the direction that Eva and Avery had headed. Ethan started after her too.
"So just flag me over if I need to sign anything. Or right before you're going to demonstrate those mad skillz," Kim called after them.
Zoë gave Ethan a look at that. Like that total adults bring lame-o look. But he just shrugged. Cuz he knew older sisters or aunts or whatever could be kinda of embarrassing. But that was kinda 'K too.
"She's tryin'," he offered to her. Cuz he'd definitely learned that when things were total shit tryin' counted for a whole lot more than button'.
Zoë shrugged too. "Yea … I know."
AUTHOR NOTE: So I'm not sure this was the best chapter to do in Ethan's POV but there was an attempt. I might try another one in the future that either more specifically has to do with Voight and/or the loss of Justin. Or maybe Jay/Erin's relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about the way this chapter turned out or if his voice and thought process and personality shone through quite the way I wanted. But it's written. So you can read it.
For those that haven't noticed, I posted a new story, From the Get. Again, be warned, it's sort of a fanfic within a fanfic, int hat it uses the characters and some of their backtories from this AU. But it's not necessarily where this story (So It Goes) is headed and it is a standalone story. And also that I won't be updating it constantly or regularly. Just bit by bit and it's really only going to be a snap-shot type thing. Likely only 8-12 chapters.
Thanks for your readership. Your reviews, comments and feedback are appreciated.