Title: So It Goes

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Hank Voight and his family try to cope with their struggles at home and work — and the dynamics those conflicting circumstances creat for their blended family in a time of transition. The series focuses on Voight, his sick and disabled son — and what's left of his family and their strained relationships, particularly that with Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead as they work at establishing their own lives as a young couple.

This is a collection of one-shots/scenes using the characters as represented in the AU established in Interesting Dynamics. The chapters currently represent scenes happening in approximately S04 of the series or early 2017.

As I continue to update, they'll just provide one-shot snap shots into the characters' lives and likely some recasts of scenes from the show.

This is not a linear narrative with a beginning-middle-end. It's just scenes. It is generally set so it begins around the mid-point of Season 4 (or about January/February 2017) and may occasionally draw reference to (and have SPOILERS) from the series.

A notification is provided at the beginning of each chapter about where it happens in relation to the other chapters, if they are out of sequence. Chapters will be re-ordered semi-regularly (i.e. if you're reading this weeks or months after the chapter was originally posted, it's likely now in the right place, so just ignore the notification).

SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes and Aftermath. This series also contains SPOILERS related to the finale of Season 3 of Chicago PD and will have occasionally spoilers from Season 4 of the show.

Jay took a slow sip of his coffee, keeping an eye on Voight. Being the one who drew the short stick and had to ride with him was usually shitty enough. Worse when you were stuck in the car with the guy on a stakeout that could last hours and fucking hours. If not all fucking night and then some if their guy didn't show. If this didn't go down the way they expected. But riding with him was even shittier right now. Because it felt like punishment. Added fucking punishment, when Jay wasn't exactly sure what he'd done in the first place.

Voight wasn't giving any fucking hints that night. Just being on the job. Staring out the window. Could hazard some guesses for that day or that week or that case, though. Maybe. Not a hell of a lot of them made much sense to him. Because – yeah – some of his and Erin's personal lives had popped up at work a bit lately. But nothing major. Nothing that had affected how he did his job – no matter what Olinsky said about him not being a good judge of that. That guy just always had to … get in other people's business when it came to the job and relationships. Knew he did it with Ruzek and Burgess. And maybe they deserved it. But him and Erin – they did pretty good at keeping the personal personal and the professional professional.

Olinsky wasn't one to be giving advice anyway. Case and point – the guy thought when he'd said he "blew it" he meant about keeping his fucking seat in Intelligence on this job that apparently any cop in the city would give his left nut for. He hadn't. Because he put what he had with Erin before the fucking job. Or at least keeping a desk in Intelligence. They'd already decided it'd be him who'd be walking. They were working toward that. It'd happened. But apparently Al wasn't privy to that. Hadn't picked up on that being the likely reality – because maybe he still had some complexes about women on the job and fucking thoughts about who'd be leaving, or should be leaving. But his perspective wasn't gospel. And it didn't make a lot of sense. And Jay wouldn't blow what he had with Erin – the family he wanted and was working toward – for some fucking desk in Intelligence. But apparently that wasn't something Olinsky got. And maybe why would he?

The guy had royally fucked up his marriage and his family for the job. And that was his business. Maybe it'd been the right choice at the time. Had made sense. For the case or the bust or the city. But it definitely didn't mean he had any of the answers about how to fucking balance it or make it work.

If anything, Olinsky was a fucking example of how to not make it work. He was the story of woe. The fucking undercover cop stereotype. He was what fucking PTSD looked like if you didn't get your shit in order. Motivation for Jay to keep fucking working on his fucking baggage. To keep learning how to … be the better version of himself.

Because Al might be a good cop – maybe he was a good solider and Jay didn't doubt he loved his kids – but Jay didn't want to be him. Or be like him. He wasn't the fucking example he was going to try to emulate in figuring out how to make PTSD and being a solider and being a cop and doing good work in a good unit and being a husband and father all work. Because for Al – it didn't fucking work. And Jay wasn't going to buy into the idea that they all had to pussy foot around Olinsky and give him some sort of hero worship in propping him and his ideas and advice and wisdom up just because his kid died. They'd all lost someone. They'd all lose someone. Eventually.

And really – if Voight had said something to Al about this fucking benching being because of something going on with him and Erin. Or they'd had some sort of little venting session that Voight hadn't brought him into the loop on – since Al seemed to think this was something Voight should've "done a long time ago" and that they'd "crossed a line". Or that Voight had made some fucking comment to O in one of their … whatever it was the two of them did … drink, talk, toss people in the river … about them not having a wedding date yet or a marriage license yet. Or the both of them still being there.

Or if all it was was because he'd caught the tail-end of a personal conversation in the bullpen – then Jay didn't really get how that fucking shit had rolled downhill to him. Not that he wanted Erin to take the brunt of Voight having something up his ass that week. But it was her who'd brought the personal into the office. It was her who'd let Bunny in on where they were living now. Fucking Bunny who'd loitered around on a morning that Jay headed out before Erin – so she could fucking corner her and fuck with her yet again. But it was then Erin who brought that little FYI – and the fucking bracelet that Jay didn't believe for a second was what Bunny said it was because there was no way that Bunny would keep anything of value that long without hawking it to serve one of her addictions or scams. But even if Voight had caught that bit of what they were talking about - it wasn't like they'd had some heated, in-your-face discussion about it. And even if they had, the only part that Voight had likely caught was him telling Erin exactly what Hank was always telling her – that Bunny was playing her. Again. And to not let it happen. Again. To shut that door. To deadbolt it. To move the fuck on with her life. With their life. With the life and family they were trying to make. They had enough shit they were working through – as individuals and a couple and a family – they didn't need Bunny in the fucking mix.

And Bunny just had a fucking sixth sense about that shit. She knew it. And here she was rearing her fucking head again. Trying to draw Erin in again. And Erin once again buying it with the whole "she didn't ask for anything line". That was always how Bunny drew her in. She kept her hand secret and Erin just always kept hedging her bits that this time was going to be some win. What the fuck she thought she was going to be winning, Jay just couldn't comprehend. A mom? A relationship with her?

He tried. But he just couldn't fucking get why she wanted – or needed – either at this point in her life. He got it. He got that he missed his mom. He got that Bunny was "all" Erin had. Only she wasn't. Because she had Hank and Ethan and Henry and him. He got that she'd lost Hank's wife – the mom Erin had actually had in her life. But there was nothing Bunny could – or would – do now that would live up to the example that Hank's wife had set about what a mom could be or should be. And it was just fucking impossible that Bunny could do anything to redeem what she'd put Erin through as a kid. What she still kept on putting her through now.

Not when she'd already done enough of a fucking mind-fuck on them all at the holidays. And kicked off 2017 with a real fucking kick to the gut. One that Jay wasn't entirely convinced that Erin had fully bounced back from even though she hadn't much wanted to talk about it. Even though she insisted that the whole Jimmy Not Her Dad thing just left her in the same place as before – with a whole lot of nothing when it came to information about her bio dad. So it didn't really change anything. She didn't really care. Or so she said.

What it changed was that Bunny had fucking lied to her – and hurt her, and played her – again. But he supposed that wasn't much of a change either. Because people don't change. Not that Erin liked hearing that. And he didn't think she entirely believed him when he said it. But he'd seen it time and time again – people don't change. The circumstances around them do. Sometimes how they react to a situation does – in the moment. But the person themselves – they're the same. You can't escape that. It was a harsh fucking reality he'd had to deal with in his own life. And maybe one that Erin just hadn't come to terms yet in hers.

Because she wanted to be something different than she was. Somewhere in her. She didn't. Because she had this self-hate or self-loathing about the kid and teen she was. And that was the person Bunny had made her. The way Bunny had made her see herself. But Erin couldn't fucking see that.

So now they were going for another fucking ride on that carousel with Bunny. Round-and-round with the same old bullshit.

And he didn't get at all why she kept going back to it. Why he let Bunny do this to her. Again and again.

He tried to understand. He really fucking did. But he also tried to tell her – show her – that you can cut the people out of your life and be okay. If they'd been shit to you your whole life – get rid of them. There's only so many chances you should give someone. If you keep doing the same fucking thing and excepting the same fucking outcome, eventually you have to admit you're the one with the problem. It's the definition of insanity. And keeping Bunny in her life – to some how want to or need to include her in the family they were trying to make for themselves – was just insane. And Jay didn't want her anywhere near Erin and he sure as fuck didn't want her anywhere near their kids if – or when – they had any. Just like Voight didn't want Bunny near Eth or Henry. It just made fucking sense.

Because Bunny was just some sort of fucking malignant cancer. And she just kept metastasizing and kept coming back. And the whole situation was eventually really going to fuck Erin over if she didn't just cut her out of her life. Like people had been telling her to do for years. Like Voight had caught him advising her to do that week. The same thing Voight was always telling her over and over. But apparently it was him who was in the wrong. Or at least him who was being punished.

And not just by Voight. Erin was pissed at him too. Because she fucking hated when he gave his stance on Bunny. She just didn't want to hear it. The woman had been the cause of some of their biggest frictions in their relationship. And it wasn't because he hated Bunny – though he did. It was because he fucking hated watching what she put Erin through. He hated seeing her hurt. And he hated seeing what she did to herself when she hurt like that. How she saw herself.

But he'd been made out to be the bad guy. He was put in the penalty box by her too. Because she just wanted to talk things out. She didn't want advice or a lecture. Especially when his opinion matched Voight's. Because then he got slagged for taking sides. It wasn't that he was taking sides. It was that Voight's stance on Bunny was something he was right about. It was on the list.

But he'd stopped the conversation. He'd dropped it. Because her body language said not only where they heading for a fight – that she was about to fucking retreat from him and stop talking to him completely if he pushed it. That she'd just do what she wanted. Or the exact fucking opposite of what he said. Because she "didn't need him to tell her what to do about her mother". So she'd just be fucking defiant and go plowing down some path almost in spite to try to prove him – or Hank – wrong. And then she'd just fucking end up in that dark place again. Where she still wouldn't fucking talk to him about it because she didn't want to admit defeat. She didn't want to admit that him and Hank were right. Because she'd never fucking believe they were right. She'd just keep holding out hope that Bunny was going to change and that some day it was going to be different and they were going to have some sort of mother-daughter relationship and go for Sunday Brunch and shopping or some bullshit.

But Voight had heard the end of Erin telling him off. Had seen him throw up his hands and retreat. To just shut the fuck up. Because they were at work and they were on the clock and the bullpen was filling up. And he just wasn't going to have this argument with her while on the job. Because that wasn't professional. And they were in agreement – they kept in professional. On the job.

But he'd still been sidelined. Punished on the job and he'd be punished at home the next time him and Erin were actually occupying the townhouse at the same time – and had the chance to talk. Because it wasn't like they had much privacy there right now either.

"So how long am I in the penalty box?" Jay asked, as he brought his cup of coffee down.

He tried to sound confident about throwing the question out there. Tried to make it casual. But he also knew that one fucking wrong move – and not only would he be stuck sitting across from Olinsky longer – that he'd still be stuck in this fucking SUV with Voight for who fucking knew how long. And it might not be pretty. Guy had a talent for making situations uncomfortable. His special skill – making sure everything was awkward. Or intimidating. Not that Jay was intimidated by him much anymore. But this was about his job. So it was a little different than managing the other side of things. He recognized that.

"A week? A month? What?" he put to him.

But Voight barely gave him a glance. "Jay, if you want to stay in this unit, don't ask me that again."

And it was nearly laughable. And Jay knew he should just shut up and go back to looking out the window too. Doing the job. He even did for a second. But they he couldn't.

"I just thought we had an understanding," he threw out there – staring straight ahead.

That got a smack from Voight. That sound that he seemed to think was some form of communication. Could tell he was looking at him. But he still just kept looking out that window. For a beat. But you looked into people's eyes for these kinds of conversations. So he did.

Could tell he'd definitely jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire with that comeback. But it needed to be said.

"I've got an understanding with my nearly son-in-law. At home," Voight rasped at him. "Right now, you're on the clock, Detective. And you've got a job to do."

The guy's eyes moved back to look out the window. And Jay let his too for a moment. He tried to concentrate on the activity around them. But he could fucking multi-task.

"You realize it was Erin doing the talking," Jay put to him.

"Takes two to tango," Voight graveled and set his eyes back out the windshield.

"Bunny's back in the picture," Jay said and that got another smack from Voight. His eyes coming to him to indicate his displeasure. Couldn't exactly tell if it was at him or the bit of Bunny intel. "Again. Planted herself in our backlot. Grabbed Erin on her way to the car this morning."

"Jay-," Voight rasped at him. But there was real warning in it that time. Jay knew he was treading a fine line.

"Gave her some bracelet," Jay pressed on though even though there was another smack at that tidbit. "Don't you think it's a little suspicious. Kind of convenient that after you give Erin Camille's necklace that Bunny's showing up with some family heirloom."

That just got another smack again and Voight's eyes shifted back to scanning the street. Jay adjusted himself in his seat to look at him.

"Bunny's going to be taking her on another ride," Jay said.

Could see Voight's tongue sticking in his cheek. Dead give away after you knew him. That he was seething. But still questionable if it was at him or at Bunny.

"She's a grown woman. She wants to bend over for another one of Bunny's mind-fucks …" he just shook his head near indiscernibly and stared out the window. But his disgust – and where it was directed in that moment – was apparent.

"Yea, exactly. And, it's me you're benching? Pulling us as partners when she's go this going on in the background?" Jay argued.

Voight just turned to him slowly. Did those fucking steely eyes that he hadn't received from the guy in a while. They were on shaky ground.

"I'm not doing this anymore, Jay," he put to him firmly. "Keeping the divide between work and family is hard enough with Erin. Not going to keep playing this game with you too."

"Our relationship doesn't affect how I do my job," Jay pressed.

Voight grunted at him. "Then why are we talking about this when you should be looking out that window?" he said, pointing out the windshield.

Jay let out a sound of frustrated annoyance but turned his eyes back to the street. It was fucking dead. And it was late. He wasn't entirely convinced their guy was even going to show. That this was going to go down remotely how they expected.

"Turned an eye to the panky-hanky for a long time," Voight graveled at him, his eyes going to scanning the street too. "Been keeping the engagement off books. But you two told me a year. Been more than that."

"Yea, well, things got a little fucked up last August, didn't they …," Jay said.

That got another smack and another steely glance. "And I respected that. But talked to you nearly two months ago, Halstead. As a man. As a father. As a friend. Told you you needed to get your ass in gear and start taking some action on this. You haven't. So now I'm being your boss. And making some decision and taking some action on your behalf."

"That's bullshit …," Jay muttered. He wasn't sure he'd meant to say it out loud. But he had. Knew from the smack. So he turned to look at Voight. Needed to do at least that much. "So I should just get used to staring at Al's ugly mug?"

"Jay, do you even want to be in the unit anymore?" Voight rasped at him. Jay squinted at him. "Don't know what's going on with you. Or Erin. Don't know if it's home. Or it's the job. Or it's something else. But you've both been either checking out on me. Or flying off the handle. Think you both need to be doing some thinking about how much longer either of you should be hanging around. Before you go and get yourselves – or this team – in some fucking situation when we've got people in the Ivory Tower just looking for a reason."

Jay sighed and shook his head. He stared out the window. Because he didn't know what to say to that. Didn't want to explain the personal and how it impacted the professional to Voight. Because most of it wasn't even about their relationship. It was just their own personal crap. It was some of the cases. It was their own baggage. It was how cases did become personal. It was how you related to them. And how they affected you. And stayed with you. And what you could do and couldn't do to affect any sort of change in the fucking city or the fucking world.

But they did their jobs. They got through. Both of them. Voight should know that too. Should see it. Got their paperwork. Knew their close rate. Saw them work. And he knew what the job was like. He knew what being a cop was about. Had his own history of baggage and flying off the handle. Going right off the leash. To start talking to him about what sort of bullshit him or Erin might bring down on them from the Ivory Tower. It wasn't them who'd fuck over the Intelligence Unit. It'd be a team effort. And the team captain was Voight. And he did a good fucking job at bringing a whole lot of scrutiny to them all on his own. Even a high closure rate – by doing things "his way" – didn't protect them from that. It just gave them a bit of leeway to keep operating in that grey area. For now.

"Know you've had some offers with other units. Know that most crews would be happy to take you on, if you put out some inquiries. So move your ass and put out some fucking feelers," Voight smacked at him. "Or pick up the damn phone, call Lewis back in SWAT and sign up for some of the fucking training courses and let him take you on as temporary assignment to take the gig out for a spin."

"You aren't supposed to know about that …," Jay muttered.

Again. But he wasn't. But he also wasn't surprised he did. He actually wouldn't be surprised if it came out in the future that it was Voight who'd had Lewis call him in the first place. Did with Antonio. And Rixton. And who knew who else. Basically their whole fucking team when you got down to it. Accept maybe him. Antonio had handpicked him. Voight had just let him stick around. Temporarily. Apparently. But supposed he always knew that being in Voight's Intelligence Unit would only be temporary. Even before he was in a relationship with Erin.

Jobs and bosses come and go. Erin wouldn't be something that would. He wouldn't let it. He wouldn't screw it up. So maybe he should be less worried about moving desks in the bullpen and more worried about getting a spot somewhere else. Now. Not later. Whenever that later was.

"Got a big house," Voight provided. "A mile away from mine. Keep hoping there's going to be a reason for that."

"Ethan's the reason for that," Jay said under his breath.

That got another smack. "Hope there's a bit more reason than that."

Jay shrugged. "Don't know that's going to happen. Least not while Bunny knows where we live," he said with his own distaste.

"Then be her fucking partner – at home. Her spouse. Put something on her finger more than that diamond. Be the man. Transfer out. Wear the fucking pants."

"Don't think she'd like hearing you say that," Jay muttered.

"She's not here," Voight smacked at him. "And my daughter not just deserves someone willing to take care of her – she wants it too. Needs it. That support. She's got a whole lot of hurt and self-doubt. Too fucking hard on herself. No matter what fucking line she spouts. Stubborn. Independent. You knew what you were signing up for. Helping her clean up her messes – past and present – it's part of the deal."

Jay didn't really know what to say to that. That he knew all that. That he was trying to do all that. But Voight just tapped at the wheel.

"Don't make me play father-in-law again on the clock," he graveled. "Or our next powwow won't see you just moving across the bullpen."

Jay stared at him. But he didn't know what more to say that'd be worthwhile. Or would save him from blowing it even more.

And he didn't have to say anything. He didn't have time to say anything. Because there was movement on the street. And a contractor truck came down the block. And now they were really on the job.

And he needed to keep it professional. So that he didn't fuck it up. Because like he told Erin – bosses and jobs come and good. Their relationship wouldn't be something that would though. Not if he had a say. And even on the days he didn't have a say – with her or with Voight – he could at least move his ass. And stop blowing smoke out of it.

AUTHOR NOTE: Your reviews, feedback and comments are appreciated. However, I haven't watched the finale yet — so please no spoilers. I likely won't be watching it until the weekend. If you want to comment on something about it or share thoughts or ask about how/if I'll include it in this AU — please DM me rather than post a comment and put a subject line that indicates it includes spoilers about the finale. I'll work on getting back to people after I've watched it. Though, I doubt I'll have too many thoughts about it based on where it appeared to be going. Which was kind of meh to me.

I still have several chapters I want to do inspired by scenes from episodes in the winter run of the season. I will work on getting to them. Some are more necessary than others for a rounded story.

However, right now I am working on finishing the little arc with Jay's birthday/case fallout and what's going on with Ethan. It will also incorporate Will. And Jay and Erin's relationship. It will be several chapters.

I know I still have two chapters (Harry Potter and Etc getting home to Hank) to round out Florida. I'll get to that too.

And i know some of you are still hoping for more chapters to finish out the Christmas story in Aftermath. I don't know if/when I'll get to that.

I'm picking away at it.

I have lots of ideas right now about what I want to do in terms of scenes and playing with the characters and their backstories and arcs and fun (or not so fun) situations to put them into. But it's all something I'm just picking away at right now.

Chapters will be added as I'm able.