Hello guys! I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas. I sure did since I got a new moon Jasper hale mug!I'm drinking coffee out of it right now; be jealous ! I also got Sims 3 on Xbox in which I created the Cullen family excluding Bella and Edward because I could only create 6 in a family.

This chapter will reveal a few things about Jasper. Stephanie Meyer told us a bit of Jasper's past but I still believe there is more to it and I know that a few other writers on fan fiction believe that too. So this is my view on it so a nice long chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight

Jasper's POV

I was so relieved when I heard Edward and Bella leave with Renesmee. Now I could think whatever I wanted again and hurt myself whenever I felt the need to. Or maybe that wasn't the case. Carlisle wouldn't let me out of his sight and at least two people had to be with me if I needed to go hunting just in case I was to 'get out of hand'.

At least I made Alice happy last night. The last thing I needed was her pity. I was already sensing it from everybody else; Rosalie included and that was rare. I mean, she loves me like a real sister would but never would she pity me. I wanted to run away far from here and avoid all the sympathetic and concerned emotions but the rules have changed and I wouldn't be able to escape them. Besides, Alice would see it and warn Carlisle.

Thankfully, Carlisle was working at the hospital today so he put Emmett in charge of 'babysitting' me. Seriously, that is what it feels like. I'm physically 19 but over 150 years as a vampire and I am being treated like I am an 8 year old child. But I guess if I got to choose who in the family would be watching me, it would be him. The reason why is because he is easily distracted so I was surprised when Carlisle chose him. Rosalie and Alice were hunting today which left Esme at home with us who also happened to be checking on me. Or was she checking on Emmett to make sure he wasn't outsmarted by me so I could make my escape?

I was just sitting on the window ledge, looking outside; waiting for nothing in specific. Alice wasn't going to be back for a few days although it took a lot of convincing to make her go on a proper hunt instead of a quick one. She was worried about me. I guess I was just being stupid for scaring her like that. I was her mate and as I had been with her for over 60 years now, if I had managed to kill myself, I have no idea what damage I would have done to her.

"Come on bro. Surely you're not gonna spend the whole day staring out the window" Emmett spoke.

I ignored him. I haven't spoke to any of them since the 'incident' other than Alice of course. I couldn't even look at them; especially Emmett. I could have got him killed too and that would have devastated Rosalie. She wouldn't have cared for my death; only Emmett. She would be lost without him as I would without Alice.

"Dude seriously, play Xbox with me. Or even a game of boring chess. Anything man. At least do something" Emmett tried.

I still refused to respond to him. If I wait it out long enough, Emmett will eventually get so bored that he'll occupy himself with something else to do rather than bothering me so that I could sneak out and feed my craving of self inflicted pain. I might even be able to sneak back inside the house without anyone realising that I went out in the first place.

"Are you waiting for Alice? You know, if you are you're gonna be sitting there for a few days" he informed.

Usually when Alice goes hunting without me, I tend to sit in the same place, waiting for her to get back on the day she is expected to be home so maybe that's why Emmett thought this. I heard him sigh as I could sense his annoyance. He doesn't like being ignored; well I guess nobody does but he wouldn't want to speak to me if he knew what I could have done to him.

"Dude, will you at least talk to me?" Emmett asked.

He neared me and I responded with a growl.

"Words Jazz; talk to me with words" he explained.

He tried to reach out to touch my shoulder but after another growl, his hand returned to his side. Only Alice touches me. He seemed to stand there awkwardly, waiting for a different response. I knew that he was feeling rather helpless right now and that he, too, was worried.

Worry is something that Emmett doesn't seem capable of since he is such a laid back guy but me and Emmett seemed to have a closer bond than we do with Edward. Maybe that had something to do with his annoying mindreading. Maybe he would prefer Edward a lot more after he finds out I could have killed him. No; he won't find out. I'll make sure of that.

The phone started to ring; this may be my chance to get out of here for an hour or two. Emmett turned around and thought about exiting the room to answer it but unfortunately thought better of it.

"I'm not stupid like everybody else thinks Jasper. I know better than to leave you in here on your own. I hate to treat you like this bro but it's Carlisle's orders; plus it's for the best" he spoke again.

Instead, we heard Esme pick up the phone. I sighed, annoyed. How long would I have to wait until he finally gave up? He appeared to be smarter than I first thought. If it was this difficult to get away from Emmett it was probably going to be impossible to get away from any of the others.

"Emmett, it's for you" Esme revealed as she walked into the main room.

Emmett left the room to get the phone whereas Esme seated herself. I hated this. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? How long would I have of this until they would finally leave me be? Would I ever get free time to myself again?

Esme was reading a book of different house designs but I knew that she was just pretending to not focus on me so that I wouldn't feel like I was on constant watch. It was pointless trying though. They might as well start installing cameras all over the house.

Emmett walked back in not long after leaving and I suddenly felt annoyance and a hint of anger. He began to head closer to me but being unsure about his negative emotions, I removed myself off the ledge and in a defensive crouch. When I felt these emotions back with Maria, it was always safest to put that newborn in their place before they're anger got the better of them.

Ignoring my position, Emmett remained standing but didn't get any closer. He knew what would happen if he did.

"That was Alice on the phone" he revealed.

Oh god.

"Let me get this straight bro. I'm on 'Jasper duty' and until Carlisle gets back, I will continue my 'Jasper duty' which means that you will not leave my sight so whatever it is you have planned, forget it" he instructed with a glare.

Damn it! I guess Alice saw me escaping from the house. I hope she didn't see what would happen once I was far enough into the woods. She would be so disappointed in me. She wouldn't understand. I looked away from him. The one person that I could escape from and now he was impossible too.

"I need to shower" I mumbled.

This was the only other thing that I could think of in which I would get time to myself. Surely he wouldn't have to watch me do that; it would be too weird.

"No. If you want a shower, you wait for Alice to get back so she could be with you. You really think I'm an idiot, don't you?" He questioned.

Alice? No way! Alice could not be with me while I am showering. I cannot be naked in front of her. She'll see my fresh scars. She would leave me. She wouldn't want to be with somebody as messed up as me. I'm amazed that she has stayed this long. Maybe I was only there for protection. I was there to protect her on her way to find the Cullen's. I should have left as soon as she found them.

God, I needed to feel pain so much. I needed to hurt.

Emmett may be stronger than me but I was definitely faster than him. In fact, now that Edward has moved out, I'm the fastest one in the family. The second the thought occurred, I ran past Emmett and Esme and upstairs, slamming the bathroom door shut, locking it too. Emmett was by the door not long after.

"Jasper, unlock the door right now or I am breaking it down" he ordered darkly.

The same kind of tone reminded me of Maria when she ordered me to do things, some of which, I was not comfortable with.

"Relax Emmett; I want a shower. I am not waiting three days to get one. It's not as if I can escape from the house in here" I replied against the door.

"How do I know that you're not gonna try and kill yourself in there?" He panicked.

"Sure Emmett. Maybe I could drown myself because a vampire totally needs air" I chuckled sarcastically.

"You might have a lighter or a match with you" he pointed out.

"Well I don't" I shortly said.

I don't want to kill myself. I just need to feel physical pain. I'm sick of mentally feeling it and all those horrible memories of my time with Maria. Alice shouldn't belong to a person as pathetic as me. My fangs expand as I bring my arm up to my mouth; the familiar yet relieving pain returns. I have been longing for this so much.

"Jasper, get your ass out here right now" Emmett demanded yet again.

My teeth deepen into my skin as I make the most of this moment. This was probably the most private time I was going to get and as soon as I leave the bathroom, they won't let me in there alone again. I suddenly hear a car pull up. It was mostly likely Carlisle. He finishes work about this time.

I released the grip my teeth had on my arm and rolled my sleeve down. I unlocked the door and as soon as I opened it, Emmett grabbed both of my arms and dragged me downstairs, meeting Carlisle as he walked through the door.

"He locked himself in the bathroom for about three minutes. He claims that he wanted to shower but I told him what you told me. He didn't like the idea" Emmett informed.

Carlisle looked at me but I looked away from him. I couldn't stand the emotions of disappointment and pity. When will it end?

"Let him go. Jasper, my study" he instructed.

Emmett released me and I made my way to Carlisle's study, where I was bound to spend the rest of my time until Carlisle has to work again.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

The worst thing about immortality is boredom. It is so easy to get bored and when you're stuck in a room with nothing but a desk and books, your left with reading. Don't get me wrong, I love to read but all day every day? I couldn't.

Carlisle was sitting at his desk, typing, but he kept taking quick glances at me every now and again. It annoyed me how he did that. It's like I would do something so stupid even though he was in the same room as me. I put my book down and leaned my head against the wall to try and relax. I closed my eyes to make it a little easier.

I wasn't a fan of closing my eyes; especially around others because I like to know how far people are from me and what they are doing as well as how they are feeling. It makes me feel safer and it helps me know that Alice is okay too. My closed eyes were to just help me relax a little more but I made sure that I was using my ears to hear. I could also calculate the distance of other people just by sound so as long as I focus on that, I would be okay.

Back with Maria, I had to keep my eyes open at all times. It wasn't even safe to blink. When I was first with her, I was in control of the newborns but eventually it became a dangerous task. Maria had many different ways to punish me and Alice had no idea of any of them. To her, all my scars came from the battles. That was a lie because I got given most of them within our own newborn army and Maria herself.

One of her methods was actually setting some of the newborn on me. They could attack me however they please but although my instincts told me to kill them, I had forced myself not to because I knew what would happen if I did.

Maria cared for the number of newborns there was meaning that if I was to decrease the number by killing any of them, she would find another way to punish me. Setting the newborns on me like dogs was actually the least bad punishment.

The worst was humiliating, displaying weakness; fear of a female.

Another method was starving me and then bringing a young child to me and when my throat is on fire while the fresh blood is standing right in front of me; it's obvious that I'm not going to resist. The child would get killed in a matter of seconds and I am stuck with not only guilt, but the child's deathly emotions too.

Yet again, that was far from the worst.

She even made them watch a lot of the time

I began to shiver. She wasn't even here and I was still afraid of her. How pathetic of me. If Alice ever found out the truth of my past, she would realise that I am not even capable of protecting her. It's amazing how I have managed to keep Alice unharmed so far.

If Maria ever came across the both of us, I have no idea what would happen. I would probably run away in fear, completely forgetting to protect Alice. That would be so selfish of me but Maria has that effect on me. If only Alice knew.

"Jasper"

I was hiding so much from her. She didn't know about my self inflicted wounds, she didn't know the truth about my past; only the part where I taught the newborns and how Maria had manipulated me. She had no idea how much I sugar coated it all.

I thought I was teaching the newborns to fight other armies but little did I know, Maria had her own plan to kill me soon. I was teaching them how to take down the second in command without even realising it!

"Jasper, stop"

When I told Alice that Maria had manipulated me, she didn't realise just how much. She didn't just make me think that she loved me. There was a lot more to it.

I was convinced I was worthless.

"Stop it! Let go"

I had to give her what she wanted

"Jasper, look at me"

Even if I had to submit myself to her in front of all of them.

"Stop Jasper, right now"

I felt pressure on my wrist. A bit of it was painful and another was soft. That's when I realised where I was. Carlisle was crouching in front of me with his hand on the arm that was currently in my mouth. I had bit into my skin over my sleeve. I have never felt so ashamed of myself. What would he think of me?

He knows.

The moment that a few of you have been waiting for! It's been revealed to Carlisle.

Also, are any of you beginning to realise Jasper's hinted worst punishment?

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