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Disclaimer: I do not own twilight. Never had, never will
Carlisle's POV
It had been just over an hour since Edward had arrived. After he had left my study to speak to Jasper, he had only returned to tell me that more would be explained if I heard it from Jasper so now he was on the first floor with Rosalie and Emmett although I knew that secretly, he was listening in to his brother.
Jasper was still with Alice despite the fact that he wanted to be alone. She was probably finding her way to convince Jasper to open up to her or me. I have to admit, she was very good at getting people to do things that she wanted to do. An example was managing to get Emmett to go shopping with her. Emmett's a typical guy that hates shopping but there was something about Alice that stopped you from denying her request.
Out of all of us though, it was Jasper who fell for it the most but that had something to do with being mates. It wasn't being manipulative in a bad way like Maria was to Jasper. Alice doesn't make Jasper feel like she loves him because we all knew that she wasn't really like that.
I was reading a book to pass the time as I wait for the moment to hear a knock on the door. It was wishful thinking, I know but I so badly wanted Jasper to come to me for help. It's something he had never actually done other than my other children who are willing to share whatever problems they have to me.
Jasper was too quiet and hid all the pain inside until it tears him apart which it has already done. I just want to pick up the pieces and put him back together again; that is when he decides to let me. If he wouldn't let Alice then why would he let me?
Then surprisingly, just as I turn my book to the next page, I hear that miraculous knock. I was certain that it was Jasper because of the uncertain way he had knocked. He was nervous.
"Come in, Jasper" I called.
There was a few seconds of waiting before he slowly opened the door as his eyes find interest in the carpet.
"Sorry to bother you, sir" he mumbled.
"It's fine, Jasper. You aren't a bother. In fact, I'm glad that you're here" I replied.
Jasper always believed that he was a burden on the family. He always thought that his presence was unwanted. And what was worse was that he only viewed himself as a family 'guest' other than being a member. Maybe that was another reason why he never came to me for support or comfort.
"Alice sent me here" he mumbled again.
By that, he was actually saying I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for her. It was understandable. Like I said, Alice had her way in convincing people.
"Do you want to take a seat?" I offered him.
"No, I'll stand, thank you" he answered, politely.
Our discussion early was probably the first time he had spoke to me without a polite manner but other than that, he was the politest one in the house. It would probably relate to coming from the southern part of America. I had a feeling that he would reject my offer to sitting down. It was very rarely when you saw him relax on a sofa or a chair; maybe occasionally when he plays on Xbox with Emmett or if Alice insists him to join her but other than that, he was always standing; always on guard. I guess it just made his escape even easier. Well if he felt more comfortable standing then I was fine with that.
"Edward has explained a little already"
He tensed as soon as I mentioned Edward. "What did he tell you?" He questioned, demandingly.
"Not much. All I know is that it has something to do with Maria and the way she treated you" I tried to calm him.
I didn't want him to think that Edward told me everything because he would most definitely shut down on him which is what Edward feared.
"What did he tell you about that?" He still sounded nervous.
"He wouldn't say anything about it. He didn't want to betray you like that, Jasper. He wants you to trust him" I revealed.
He looked at the carpet again but I wasn't sure if he was thinking of something to say or he was just waiting for me to say something else. To be on the safe side, I continued.
"It would really help if you talk to me about this, Jasper. Why do you hurt yourself? Is it because you feel like you deserve it or is it because you feel so much pain mentally that you want to forget about it by causing yourself it physically?" I asked.
"Both, I guess" he shrugged and mumbled to the floor.
"Could you explain it to me?" I encouraged.
"I don't know what to say" he answered, doubtfully.
"Well, alright. Let's start with when you first bit yourself. Tell me when, where and why" I helped.
He sighed a little and thought about it before looking up at me.
"The first time I did it wasn't the same reason I continued to do it" he explained. "It was a few days after Peter had taken me with him. I just...I felt so much guilt for just running away and I know that was just stupid because she should have saw it coming after..." he stopped.
"After?" I coaxed.
"Nothing. Nothing important. Anyway, I don't know how it happened but I just realised that my teeth were biting into my skin just so that I had something else to think about other than her. I guess it just turned into a habit, you know? Every time I felt something I couldn't handle I just did it without hesitation. Well, without Peter or Charlotte seeing of course".
"You say that you did it every time you felt something you couldn't handle. Does that include the emotions you felt when you killed humans?" I asked curiously.
He nodded. "Yeah. That's why when I found Alice, I didn't do it as much. I didn't feel depressed as much as I did before I met her. I still did it occasionally like...when she first told me that she loved me. It just brought back memories of Maria saying the same thing. I got over it though because this time, I believed her. The way she treated me; like I was someone special. I never felt that from Maria. And then we found you guys and here I am today" he finished quickly.
"That doesn't really add up to how you are now. Edward told me that you hardly did it when you first joined but now you are doing it more often. Why is that?" I asked.
I knew that he was hiding something from me. It was something that he wasn't planning on sharing. Talk to me, Jasper. Trust me.
"I've been having flashbacks" he whispered.
I was partly aware of that since that was the reason why I caught him in the act
"When did they start?" I asked.
"A while ago. They used to be when I was put in an uncomfortable position. Fighting Emmett is an example of that but there are many more. Now they just come to me out of the blue. It's just got out of control" he admitted.
"So the flashbacks bring back painful memories that you are struggling to deal with" I summarised.
He nodded at me but didn't say anything.
"It always helps to talk about them. Flashbacks occur more often when people keep them hidden from everybody else" I explained.
"I know. I just don't want to burden anybody with my issues" he admitted.
"Jasper, I am more than happy to help you with this. For so long, I have wanted to help you. I have just been waiting for that moment you gave me a chance" I told him.
He smiled shyly but looked away to hide it. I hope that meant he believed what I said to him.
"Other than wrestling with your brothers, what else triggers it?" I asked.
"Well, it doesn't happen much now but when I first...when I first started doing things with Alice, I...I freaked out because...I saw different images and it wasn't Alice I was with, it was her. And then about an hour later I would be hit with the flashbacks of what Maria...what she did to me" I whispered the last part.
I believed he was referring to the sexual side of his life with Alice. I was informed that Maria was a former mate so was he trying to tell me that he pictured her instead of Alice? That couldn't be it. Edward had told me that the story we were told by Jasper was only part of it. This was something bigger. Something that I haven't been told yet.
And what did he mean by 'what she did to him'? Edward had also told me that Maria got abusive towards him but how did that relate to Jasper's reactions when he was 'doing things' with Alice? It just didn't seem to add up correctly. Or did it?
"What did she do to you?" I asked gently.
He shrugged. "A lot of stuff"
He was rarely ever specific when asked a question. I had to change that.
"What had she done to you that made you nervous with Alice?" I asked again.
He shifted uncomfortably and looked away yet again and it was clear that he didn't want to answer. I had hit a soft spot. Possibly something that was very important to him to keep hidden.
"I don't think I can answer that" he whispered.
With that, it was obvious it was a sensitive subject but it was possibly the answer that I needed to help him. His behaviour could all add up to this. I just needed to think this out. I always heard Emmett making comments about Alice and Jasper's relationship. He always mentioned how their sex life wasn't as active as his although I have no idea how he knew that unless Edward let it slip.
I remember just about a year after they had joined our family; Alice had come to me for help. I knew that it was a very embarrassing topic but she had been very unsure about Jasper. She knew that he loved her but considering the fact that they were mated for three years, she was struggling with sexual interaction. She mentioned that he was extremely nervous whenever she had either fiddled with his belt or when her hand went high up his leg. She just wanted to know what she could have done to relax him. I knew that she was put in a very awkward situation especially because she didn't understand why Jasper had been acting that way. I remember being a little suspicious about his behaviour but eventually it worked out and my suspicion just faded.
This must have been what Jasper was talking about when he mentioned seeing flashbacks and images but I still felt like there was something more to this and I was determined to find that out.
"Please, Jasper. It really would help. Especially if this is the route to all of your problems" I tried.
He just shook his head. "No! It will bring them all back. They have only just gone away".
He was clearly disturbed by this but I knew that they couldn't have just 'gone away'. Maybe they have just took a vacation and these particular memories will come back more forceful than they have before.
"Flashbacks don't just go away; especially if you don't talk to anybody about it" I said.
He put a hand through his hair in distress. Maybe I was pushing him too far. I just needed to know. I had to know everything that Maria had done to him from the way he flinches away from everyone, the effect it had on his mates relationship, why he wanted to hurt himself and why he had even wanted to end his life as a vampire which would have torn Alice apart.
I just wanted to know what was killing my son mentally.
Any ideas of Jasper's darkest secret yet? I've been hinting it.
Anyway, would you guys be interested if I wrote a oneshot about the Alice and Carlisle talk about Jasper when they first joined the Cullen's?
Also, I did upload a one shot about the time I spoke about Jasper freaking out as he wrestle's Emmett if you haven't read that yet. It does actually match this story a little as it includes one of his minor flashbacks so check that out if you haven't already.
Reviews would be awesome.