A/N: There's a lot in this one. It's a little scattered in tone, but I wanted to get it out in one go. Sorry if it's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

So many reviews! YEEE! Unfortunately, I have a deadline again and am freaking exhausted, so I'm gonna respond next time. Is that okay? Thanks to all of you who have left me feedback: wickedgrl123, sarahmichellegellarfan1, missalex3030, WalkingInAWinterWonderlandxx, crazy-acting, casualmoose.

Lauren: Thank you so much! It's always amazing to hear from another reader. I'm really excited about Rowan's role in the third installment, so I really hope you enjoy it! Please let me know what you think in the future too!

REVIEW MEEEEE!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 66: Of the Empty Shoreline

The next two - or was it three? - days passed in a gray blur. Rowan woke to find herself in her flat, the room swaying sickeningly around her, like the remnants of a dream. As the memories of the days before came rushing back, her stomach had seized and lurched, surging up her throat in a bitter clear splatter. But she hadn't eaten - couldn't remember the last time she had. There had been nothing. It seemed very fitting in a way.

She remembered receiving an owl from Dumbledore sometime during that haze about Sirius - they had sentenced him without trial to a lifetime in Azkaban. There had been no hearings, no testimonies from friends, no visitation, no chance of parole. She wasn't sure if she would have been able to go even if they had allowed visitors to see him. What could she possibly say? She didn't even have any anger anymore. She wasn't sure what she had, but there was certainly very little of it. Of everything.

The hours and days were spent falling in and out of that gray haze of sleep and waking. She couldn't make right of what was up or down or dream. She'd heard some knocking at one point - or at least, she thought she had - but hadn't found the strength to answer the door. It wasn't Remus - he had a key - and as far as she was concerned, if it wasn't him, she didn't care.

Remus - where was Remus? When she'd steadied her stomach from the onslaught of nausea upon waking, she'd sent out a desperate, weak Patronus to find him. She'd never had difficulty in mustering the spell - she'd always found it amazing that anyone did - but it had taken nearly ten tries before she'd been able to summon even the faintest of silver. When she'd finally sent something off, she wasn't even sure if it was its usual wolf. She wasn't sure what it was. Had it even reached him?

Where are you?

The words were scribbled and carved into the diary he'd given her over and over. She'd torn through page after page blindly, scratching the words incoherently until they leaked and bled with her tears. Each time she'd written the words, she'd expected his own neat scrawl to spread across the pages. I'm here, I'm here.

Regardless, he never responded. Had Sirius killed him too? Had they simply missed it? Her eyes had burned again at the thought, exhaustion overtaking her once more. She didn't want to think. She didn't want to be awake. Every fiber of her being screamed to join James and Lily in the afterlife.

But finally, on what was apparently the fifth day, she was forced from her stupor with a loud banging.

"Rowan Delacroix, you answer this door right now!"

Rowan's body jerked at the sound, eyes snapping open at the familiar voice.

Grief took her again. How could she face her? She grimaced and buried her face in her pillow, remaining silent and rolling over so that her back faced the door. Mina would leave eventually. She just needed to wait it out.

"Rowan, if you don't open this fucking door, I will break it down!"

Rowan's eyes clenched shut. Mina was the last person she wanted to see right now. She couldn't bear to see her friend after all that had happened. She didn't want to see anyone in the Order - no one who could remind her of James and Lily.

BANG.

Rowan jolted up to see that her door had been cracked in half and was now hanging precariously on a single hinge, swaying limply in the frame with splinters and chunks of wood sprayed about. Mina stood in the doorway, fuming visibly, wand brandished in a tight fist. Her face was bright red with fury. One of Rowan's nosier neighbors peered over her shoulder, face awash with shock. Rowan blanched.

"Miss, what do you think you're-"

Mina spun around on the nosy wizard, eyes flaring. He cowered under her force.

"If you know what's good for you, you will mind your own fucking business," she snarled. The wizard nodded rapidly and scurried back into his flat, slamming the door shut behind him. Rowan felt for him momentarily before shrinking away as Mina turned her anger back on her. She stomped into Rowan's flat, waving her wand behind her to reform the door, creating a barrier between the outside world and Rowan's small prison.

As she approached, Rowan's fear melted away at the sight of the deep lines and redness of Mina's eyes. Her clothes hung on her frame loosely, as if she hadn't eaten in days. Rowan noted dumbly somewhere at the back of her mind that she probably looked the same.

But just as Mina reached her, she realized that she should be afraid.

Slap.

Rowan's hand reached up hesitantly to feel the heat in her cheek. It stung hotly, face whipped to the side. Mina had slapped her.

"You fucking bitch," she seethed. Rowan couldn't meet her gaze, still in shock from the sudden strike. Her skin tingled painfully, ears still ringing from the loud noise of flesh on flesh. "Do you have any idea how worried I've been?"

Rowan's stomach lurched, guilt trickling over her slowly. She hazarded a glance towards the brunette, breath catching as she saw the angry tears in her friend's eyes. They burned deeply into her.

"I've been here everyday for the past five days trying to find you, and you've been here all fucking along!" she shouted. "We're floundering, Rowan! All of us! And the only person I wanted to see - the only person who could possibly understand - was you, holed up in here selfishly, too absorbed in her own self-pity to even think of anyone else!"

Rowan's lips trembled. Five days... It had been five days since she'd seen Harry disappear with Hagrid into the night, and the world had continued to spin on without her. There were still people out there who needed her - people like her mother, like Mina. Mina's words cut into her deeply.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Tears broke through. She bowed her head with shame.

"No, I'm not fucking done yet. You are going to hear me out. I'm not done yet!" Mina plowed on angrily. Rowan's eyes clenched shut guiltily. "I spent an entire day in Ministry custody, being questioned and interrogated about things I didn't understand - that I still don't understand! Then I found out that Harry had been taken away before I could even say goodbye. And now, Sirius is gone, and I can't see him, and James and Lily and Peter are gone too-" A sob broke through, and Rowan looked up to see Mina kneeling beside her on the floor. Her hands grasped her knees, head bent and trembling. "And all I wanted was to see you and Remus, but no one knows where Remus is, and I couldn't get a hold of you, and I..." she trailed off. Her shoulders were shaking now. "I don't know what to do, Rowan!"

Rowan's own lungs seized. She hadn't even thought of Mina over the past five days, but she'd been on the other side of that door all along, afraid and alone. Shame forced its way down her throat, and she pushed the blankets off of her, falling to the floor next to Mina. She threw her arms around her and let her friend's trembling form soak into her own. Mina's hands reached up and gripped Rowan's shoulders almost painfully, burying her face in her neck wetly. An otherworldly wail tore from the brunette's lips as she trembled and shook against her. Rowan felt the sound tear a sob from her own gut as well.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she gasped.

The two women cried and held each other for a very long time until their sobs calmed into hiccoughs, which eventually evened out shallowly. They rocked against each other, fingers gripping the other's shoulders desperately. Finally, the tremors stopped, and the tears ceased to flow. Rowan pulled away hesitantly, wiping the sticky mixture of tears and hair from her face with mild frustration. Mina smiled weakly and did the same.

"I'm sorry, Mina," Rowan whispered again. "I didn't realize... I should have realized. I was just so... I didn't want to see anyone, but that was selfish of me."

Mina's lips twitched. "Yeah, it was," she said, "but it's okay." She looked hard at Rowan searchingly. "We need you to come back to the Order. Everyone - we need you there."

Rowan nodded. "Yeah... Yeah, I will. I'm sorry," she apologized again. She thought of the Weasleys and the Longbottoms and Moody and Kingsley - there were so many faces she hadn't thought of for what seemed like years. Had it really only been five days? Another face flashed behind her eyes. Her throat caught. "Have you seen Remus?"

Mina frowned. "No, I thought- if anyone were to have seen him-" she sputtered with confusion. Her brows furrowed deeper. "Have you really not heard from him?"

Rowan shook her head sadly. "No, I don't know where he is," she admitted with some shame. The implications of his absence burned into her - if he was okay, then why wasn't he there with her?

But Mina didn't scowl like Rowan had expected. Instead, she smiled weakly.

"Well, I'm sure he'll turn up when he's ready, right?" she suggested. Her expression said that she wasn't sure if she believed her own words. Rowan wasn't sure if she preferred her usual reaction to this one, but she nodded all the same.

"What now?" she whispered. Mina's smile faltered. It resounded deafeningly between them.

What now?

"Come back to the Order," Mina said quietly. "Everyone is waiting for you."

Rowan nodded. Remus could wait. For now, she needed to see her comrades - her friends.

It was cold, a bleary gray November afternoon. There was no sun, but there was no rain either. Everything just seemed very colorless.

A large congregation dressed in black robes stood amongst the forest of gravestones, in front of one in particular. On its face was carved, "In Loving Memory of James and Lily Potter." A group of four women stood at the front of the gathering. The cries from the eldest - an elegant older woman with graying hair - came in heaving, shrill wails. They echoed throughout the gathered crowd. Many flinched at the sound. Her hands gripped onto the shoulders of a young woman with long black hair, who held her tightly, tears quietly running down her own face.

Three days had passed since Rowan had returned to the Order with Mina - an entire week since James and Lily Potter had been murdered and, subsequently, a week since the fall of the Dark Lord.

All of the Wizarding World had rejoiced. The streets of every Wizarding village across England had been full of nonstop celebrations, finally winding down with the need to continue on with normal life. As Death Eaters were arrested left and right, every wizard and witch seemed to be overcome with an unparalleled joy - finally, the Wizarding World was safe again!

But not all celebrated.

The Order of the Phoenix, though just as relieved as the rest, was full of grief, for it had lost four of its brightest members. Peter Pettigrew and the Potters' deaths were not overlooked in the light of the Dark Lord's fall, and Sirius Black's betrayal was a harsher stab into their hearts than could have ever been expected - after all, who would have ever suspected Sirius? It seemed like a terrible trick, a cruel game. But perhaps the cruelest aspect of it all was that it seemed completely true. And with him carted away to Azkaban in silence, there was no longer any way for them to find out.

What now?

It was a question that had echoed in Rowan's heart many times since Mina had come storming into her flat, shaking her awake and pulling her back into the sunlight. Despite the many years fought for this day, now that their mission had been achieved, an empty feeling of aimlessness set into all of them. Perhaps it was because of the price that had been paid. Rowan and Mina weren't really able to call it a "victory" - for who had really won in this war? They certainly hadn't.

The thought whispered in the back of Rowan's mind once again as she held her godmother's trembling form upright, standing in front of James and Lily's grave at the head of this large crowd. Anger bubbled at the back of her throat. It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem fair at all! Why did they have to be the ones to sacrifice their happiness for the good of the Wizarding community? After all that they'd given up and lost, the war had taken much more from them it seemed than anyone else. Every Order member had given up a tremendous amount to win this war. She thought of the Prewetts and the Potters, the Bones children and poor Derek McKinnon. Rowan stared bitterly around them at the faces of the numerous witches and wizards who had come to pay their respects, people who had remained blissfully unaware of their struggles.

Cowards, she spat internally.

The service had ended, but Julia, Carole, Rowan, and Mina remained standing there. It was amazing that they had been able to bring Julia out at all - the woman had been inconsolable, nearly catatonic, and now, it seemed that the weight of all of her grief was pouring out.

Finally, her cries subsided, and they were able to pull her away so that others could pay their respects. Carole and Alfred hovered over her quietly, ushering away well-wishers with harsh looks.

Rowan stood next to the grave to receive the condolences from these seemingly random witches and wizards. She recognized many of them - after all, the Wizarding world was very small - but they all looked like strangers to her after all that had transpired. None of them knew what they'd gone through. None of them knew what they'd given up to keep them safe. They'd all continued with their lives, hiding and running away as the Order had fought and sacrificed. She felt herself growing more and more bitter with every person that approached.

"Rowan."

Rowan looked up, realizing that she'd been glaring at the ground. Her eyes widened with surprise.

"Lyall," she breathed.

Lyall Lupin stood in front of her, smiling sadly. His dark robes hung on his frame perhaps more loosely than they had the last time she saw him. It seemed that all of her friends were looking that way recently. She rushed forward to greet him, and he swept her up into a tight embrace. His arms were so long, so very reminiscent of Remus'. She choked back a few tears as she thought of her still-missing boyfriend before pulling away and smiling up at the older man.

"How are you?" he asked quietly. His lips quirked up dryly. "I suppose that's a stupid question, isn't it?" he noted.

Rowan smiled weakly. "I'm okay. How are you? It feels like it's been a long time," she said. She thought back and realized guiltily that it had been about two months since she'd last seen him.

"I'm fine, thank you," he said kindly. His face then melted sadly. "I'm so sorry about James and Lily. I-" He choked slightly before clearing his throat. "I'm just glad that you're okay."

Rowan nodded. "Thank you. Yes, I'm okay. Mina's okay," she said softly. She then turned the question over in her head. "Have you seen Remus?"

Lyall shook his head sadly. "No, I haven't heard from him since... well, a week ago," he replied. He gave Rowan a morose smile. "I was hoping to see him here, but I can see you haven't seen him either."

Rowan's lips twisted angrily. Lyall's eyes widened with surprise.

"I-I..." she stammered. She felt the anger that had been bubbling in her gut start to boil upward. She turned quickly so that the rest of the gathering couldn't see her face begin to fight off her slowly building rage. She felt the heat pushing up from her stomach and into her throat. She swallowed it down desperately - she couldn't break down now. She couldn't do this in front of Lyall, in front of all of these people!

A hand laid on her shoulder gently. She looked up to see Lyall looking down at her sadly, mouth twisted. She saw Remus' dark expressions shadowed there, and her throat tightened again despairingly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered simply. Rowan's lips trembled, but she nodded slowly. He pulled her in again tightly. She buried her face in his dark robes, both calling out silently for Remus.

"It's late. Shouldn't you be heading home?"

Rowan looked up to see her mother looking down at her concernedly. She was sitting at the kitchen table at Delacroix Manor, head on her arms. The Order and their friends had gathered there after the funeral to quietly reminisce about the Potters and Peter. Though a few still remained, Rowan had needed to withdraw for a moment. There had been too many people around today, and she was still overwhelmed by even the simplest of interactions.

Rowan looked up at her mother wistfully. Her hair was still peppered, but there was much more white now than there had been the year before. Her chest tightened - how many more years would she have with her before she, too, left her behind?

"Can I stay here the night?" she asked weakly.

Carole's expression melted sadly. She sat down next to Rowan and wrapped an arm around her tightly. Rowan wrapped her arms around her mother's waist and buried her face in her neck.

"Of course, you can," Carole whispered. "You can always come back here."

Rowan shuddered slightly, holding onto her mother. "How many people are still here?" she asked softly.

"I think it's just Mina and Isaac now," she answered. Rowan nodded.

"Is Julia here?"

"She's upstairs sleeping," Carole answered. Rowan nodded again. She then remembered something from a few months before, sitting up slowly.

"Are you still going to renovate the house?"

Carole frowned slightly, thoughtfully. Rowan could see her thoughts trickling down her face and mused that she must have received her thoughtful expression from her mother. She could see her turning the thoughts over in her head and wondered what was so difficult to answer.

"Yes," she said thoughtfully, "probably starting in a month or so."

Rowan nodded. "So you've decided on something then," she urged. "It's just a renovation, right? I can't imagine any need for you to add on to the house." She tried to imagine the already sprawling manor expanding and nearly shuddered. It was already an excessive relic - increasing its size seemed almost sinful in a way.

"Not adding on, per se," Carole responded slowly, "but it will certainly be a big change. Your old room might change as well."

Rowan frowned. "What?" she asked confusedly. "I thought you were just going to be taking out a few walls and adding in some windows or something. How big of a change are you thinking?"

Carole stopped to think again quietly, lips twitching with some strain. Rowan's frown deepened. Was her mother planning on tearing part of the house down? Despite not being entirely fond of the manor, she couldn't stand the thought of something so drastic happening to it. After, their family history was ingrained into the very bricks of this house.

"I want to show you something," she said finally, standing to her feet. Rowan eyed her warily but followed her out of the kitchen and into the library quietly.

When they reached the library, Carole made a beeline for her cherry desk and opened a large drawer. Rowan had a vague sense of deja vu. In it was a pile of documents and folders. She pulled a scroll out, wrapped in a long red cord. Untying it gingerly, she unraveled it and laid it flat on the desk, smoothing out the crisp sheet gracefully. Rowan peered over the parchment. Her eyes widened - it was a floor plan.

"I had wanted to wait to tell you until the documentation with the Ministry went through, but I suppose now is as good of a time as any," Carole said softly. "There have been so many children left parent-less during this war... And even if they have Hogwarts, they'll need a place to come home to in the summers. And we have so much room here... It just seems like the right thing to do, doesn't it?"

Rowan's eyes scanned over the various rooms drawn out so intricately - bedrooms and nurseries, playrooms and desks for studying. Thin lines of ink sprawled out on the paper. It was all planned out already. She imagined the Marauder's Map from her Hogwarts days and envisioned tiny footprints dancing across the page. She thought of Harry, left to the Muggle world alone. Her throat tightened painfully. She pushed the thought away and looked back to her mother, eyes burning with tears.

"It's brilliant!" she beamed. "So this is why you didn't want to take part in the apothecary! How long have you been planning this?"

Carole smiled sheepishly - it made her look many years younger. "About a year now - it was just a thought at the beginning, but now with the war over... and Harry - there are so many children like him." She cleared her throat and blinked away some tears. "I've already talked it over with Alfred and have asked him to co-partner with me in this. We'll both run the orphanage and have joint ownership. He thinks we should call it the James and Lily Potter Home for Children."

Rowan's tears nearly spilled over. Her heart ached painfully. She imagined the now-dark house alit with sunlight and tiny laughter. She thought of her mother chasing after children, of Alfred finally teaching like he'd always wanted. She nodded blindly and threw her arms around Carole. She had never felt so proud, so grateful to have this woman as her mother.

"It's brilliant, Mum," she breathed. "You're brilliant. It's amazing!"

Carole hugged her back tightly. Rowan still felt that emptiness at the pit of her stomach, but it was relieved slightly knowing that her mother was still there to catch her. She prayed silently that she would be there for many years to come.

Rowan and Carole made their way back down the winding halls of Delacroix Manor. Rowan smiled amusedly to herself - the future James and Lily Potter Home for Children! She very much liked the sound. For the first time in what felt like months, warmth spread through her chest happily. As they approached the kitchen, however, Rowan caught a glimpse of black robes and coppery hair.

"Whatcha doing?" Rowan asked amusedly. Mina jumped and quickly put a finger to her lips.

"Sh!" she hushed. She gestured for Rowan to join her before turning back to the crack in the door. Rowan moved forward quickly to see what the fuss was.

Isaac and Alfred were talking in hushed voices. Rowan cursed silently - Alfred's face was turned away from her, so all she could see was Isaac. Though he'd become more expressive around them, he still remained stoic in comparison to most, and it was still very hard to read him. But she saw something new in his face - was it hope?

"Sonoitus," Mina whispered, pointing her wand to her ear. Rowan followed suit, and suddenly the men's conversation came clear. Unfortunately, it seemed that they were catching the very end of it.

"-but in light of all that has happened recently, I just had to tell you."

"I... I don't know what to say. I mean... Well, I-"

Isaac smiled sadly but shook his head. "You need not say anything. I did not expect you to respond with any particular answer. I simply wanted to you to know." He smiled again and then reached forward and squeezed Alfred's hand. Rowan's eyes widened at the small gesture - for Isaac, it spoke volumes and decibels.

She then panicked - he was approaching the door! Before she and Mina could hurry away, he had opened it. All they could do was pretend as if they had just walked down the hall, but Rowan knew that they looked very awkward, at best. Isaac stared blankly at them. He blinked with surprise for a moment before smiling quietly.

"I think I will head home," he said kindly, knowingly. "Thank you very much for your hospitality again. I will see you on Monday, yes?"

Rowan stared dumbly and then nodded. "Yes," she blurted. She cleared her throat. "Yes, Monday. Yes."

Isaac smiled again and then turned to leave. Carole followed to see him out. Rowan turned to see Mina smiling sheepishly at her. She then turned towards the kitchen. Alfred still looked in shock, standing dazedly in the middle of the kitchen. His eyes were unfocused, head tilted back slightly. Rowan gazed warily at him before turning back to Mina. They nodded to each other and continued down the hall, leaving Alfred to his thoughts.

The next day was bright, blindingly so. Rowan woke steadily in her childhood bedroom, eyes still sore and puffy from the day before. For a long time, she didn't move from her bed, simply laid there and absorbed all of the memories that came with it. Her mother's words from the day before crept back slowly. This wouldn't be her room anymore for much longer. She felt a bittersweet ache but smiled still.

Around her room were countless reminders of her childhood with James. Her shelves were littered with silly photos of their past selves, and each childhood toy seemed to hold a memory of the two of them together. Her eyes stung again with tears as they fell upon her old training broomstick - she and James had spent countless afternoons racing around their yards together on those tiny broomsticks - but the tears didn't fall. She swallowed them back wetly and felt the smallest of smiles pull at her lips.

He was gone, yes, but how fortunate was she to have known him so well?

Her chest was tight, almost painful. Her breath came raggedly once as the grief trickled over her momentarily, but then it was gone. She felt it at the pit of her stomach still, but she realized with great pride that, although it would always remain, she could carry on. Isn't that exactly what James had wanted? Isn't that why he hadn't let her hold their Secret?

She rose from her bed and breathed deeply, letting the cold morning air sear through her lungs. The sun was so very bright.

As Rowan walked up the stairs to her flat, the sunlight spilled in from the windows. She walked slowly, measuredly, allowing each step to resonate with the bright light. It seemed to follow her everywhere she went that day. As she approached her door, she simply stood outside of it for a moment, letting its image wash over her.

She hadn't really been home for the past few days since Mina had pulled her back out of her wallowing self-pity. She'd returned a few times for clothes and toiletries, but beyond that, she'd spent nearly every moment with her family and Mina. As she finally reached her own space though, she felt the exhaustion of the past week settle into her bones steadily.

It felt as if several lifetimes had passed in just two weeks. So many things had happened. So many people had come and gone. She allowed her thoughts to trail to Sirius for the first time in days. She still couldn't wrap her head around all of the events that revolved around him. No matter how hard she tried, it seemed like a a cruel trick had been played on all of them or that she had fallen into an alternate dimension without realizing it; for surely, the Sirius Black that they had all known and loved would never have given up his best friends - not to the man who had killed his brother or taken so many of their comrades.

She shook her head and reached for her keys - there was no use in thinking it over now. He was beyond her reach. She was limp, floating listlessly on the surface.

As she entered her flat quietly, a soft flash of light hair caught her eye, and she stilled. There was that heavy presence, returned once more. She recognized the sudden burden in her heart. She turned.

Remus was sitting at her table, just like he always had.

He didn't say anything, just gazed dazedly at her and stood quietly. The wooden surfaces creaked against each other stickily as the chair slid back. He seemed to glow in the bright autumn light. His pale skin seemed more translucent than ever, almost like a ghost.

Rowan couldn't move. Remus. Remus. How long had it been? Had he ever been there at all? Was he simply a figment of her imagination, a thoroughly complex character developed in her own mind? For surely, if he were real, he would have been there with her all along, right? She wouldn't have had to go through all of this alone... right?

Her eyes trailed over his lean form. His clothes were askew and hanging baggily, face unshaven. It looked as if he hadn't been home in days - where had he been?

He stepped towards her.

"Rowan."

It was a burden. She felt it so significantly. She felt her hand raise to her chest vaguely, as if to help hold the weight off of her heart. Had it always been there? It seemed to seep into her blood, weighing down her limbs with its density. With every step he took, her heart labored more and more, thudding with ever more strain. How had she never noticed?

But then his face was so close to hers, hands gripping hers gently. She couldn't fight him - did she want to? She felt herself being limply guided to her table, where he seated her in the chair that stood across from the one he'd occupied. She sank against its hard surface weakly. He knelt in front of her, hands still grasped in his.

"Rowan," he whispered. His light eyes trailed over her face slowly. He seemed to be in pain, searching with great effort for something he couldn't identify. She still couldn't seem to find rhythm over her lungs. He'd looked at her like this before, right? He'd held her hands like this before, right?

And yet, as she looked at him, he looked so unfamiliar, so strange, like a man washed up onto the shore after years at sea. It certainly felt like years since she'd last seen him. A week - it had only been a week, she reminded herself. And yet...

She felt her lips tremble.

"What are you doing here?"

Remus' eyes crinkled with confusion. They scoured her face, as if disbelieving that she'd spoken. His mouth twitched with hurt, but it meant very little to her.

"Why did you come back? Why now?" She felt her brow furrow. It seemed like an absurd dream. But as she thought harder and harder - reminded herself over and over again that he was supposed to be there - the confusion pulled her in deeper and deeper. He was supposed to be there - why did it feel wrong that he was?

"Do you not want me here?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know," she breathed. The truth seemed to seep from her lungs slowly without her even realizing it had been there. "I wanted you here before, but now, I don't know. Do you want to be here?"

There was that stillness again between them. She felt as if she were floating on a silent sea. No birds, no waves - just silence.

That's all that had ever really been between them, wasn't it?

"All this time, I thought I did. I thought you did. I mean, you said you did, so it must have been true, right? That's what I kept telling myself," she continued on, giving up on his answer. She didn't know where her voice was coming from, but it continued to trickle and spill out on its own. "And that's what you kept telling me. But really, who were you trying to convince?"

Remus still hadn't spoken. His mouth moved slightly, straining, but it didn't open to respond. He simply gazed at her in that guarded, searching way. Perhaps he'd always been looking at her that way.

"I thought I knew - I thought I knew you," she breathed. The words left her aching. "But each time something happens, I think I know what you'll do, what you'll say - but you always do something different. So now I have to ask myself: do I really know you at all?"

Remus' mouth twisted painfully. Rowan saw that small scar at his upper lip move as well. It was so familiar - she'd seen it a thousand times - and yet, maybe she'd never seen it all.

"You've been gone for so long. You were gone, a-and James and Lily and Sirius and Peter - they're gone now too," she said bitterly. She felt a tremor thrum through her softly. It seemed that the weight in her heart had rolled hard against her chest, vibrating through her limbs. "Harry, too - they took him away. They're gone, and then you were gone, leaving me to face all of this on my own. I thought you'd be here to help carry me through this, but you weren't here."

There it was - that burden.

"Have I been in love with this idea of you for so long that I never really saw you for who you were?" she whispered. The words smoked from her lips like the cold mist of winter. She suddenly felt very cold.

Remus' expression was searching, almost empty. She felt it in her own features as well. Had they been blindly groping through the darkness for something meaningful and simply projecting their own desires onto the other out of a shallow sense of nostalgia? The thought echoed and emptied out hollowly at the pit of her stomach. His lips twitched upward into a very sad smile.

"Maybe," he finally whispered.

Rowan's lungs seemed to fill with hot air slowly, expanding beneath her breasts and pressing warmly against her ribs. She released the air slowly and felt her lungs deflate limply. Her arms felt the same. She felt her lips twitch upwards.

"I'm the greatest of hypocrites, aren't I?" she whispered. She laughed breathily, bitterly. "All this time, I wondered if you'd been projecting your insecurities and loneliness onto me, but I'd been doing it too. I'd been holding onto something that was never there to begin with." His lips twitched upward again.

"Maybe," he repeated.

Rowan felt something wet fall into her limp hands.

"You can never give me a straight answer, can you?" she gasped. She smiled bitterly and bowed her head. Even now, she didn't want him to see her cry. Did he deserve it?

"Where were you?" she hissed through her teeth. She couldn't look at him. The anger reemerged, scalding up the back of her throat. It startled her with its intensity, but perhaps it had been there all along, waiting for its chance to break through - waiting for him to meet her expectations of disappointment.

But it wasn't supposed to be like this.

"You were supposed to be here!" she spat. Her teeth ground against each other. Her mouth twisted and contorted with her bubbling rage. "You were supposed to be here to help us through this! But you weren't here! Mina and I were all alone!" Her tears were falling freely now.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He paused, and the silence filled the space between them. It felt substantial, like an immeasurable distance that couldn't be breached. He was the distant sun on the horizon.

She'd known him for ten years, been with him for five, fought in the war for three by his side. There were so many memories, so many losses. Every injury, every death that came - had he been there for any of it?

"You're sorry," she echoed disdainfully. The answer came clearly. She slipped beneath the surface. She could feel the understanding escape from her lips like distant bubbles. "You're sorry. You're sorry. You're always sorry!" She mocked angrily. Her head jerked in a furious rhythm with the deafening pounding in her head. "You're always sorry, but you never fucking change. You always disappear when I need you the most! So what? Where were you?" She finally looked back up to meet his gaze, piercing into him. She hoped he might burn under her glare.

Remus' eyes scanned over her face slowly, almost blankly. She felt her anger peak again at the lack of recognition there. Had he even heard her? Had her words - her heartbreak - sunk into him at all? Did she know this man?

"I don't know," he finally said softly. His voice was the scraping of sand - unused for many days. "I don't know where I was. Here and there - nowhere in particular. I just..." His gaze wavered weakly for a moment, like a flickering of a candle. "They're all gone," he whispered. His breath seemed to whisper away. She imagined he might fade away with it.

Rowan's own heart seemed to stop. She felt herself sinking slowly, deeply, to the bottom of this reality. She felt the light of the sun fading distantly above the surface as she sunk deeper and deeper. She released the last of her air.

They were all gone.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again. She saw his hands reaching for hers again. Their fingers were so long. Those tiny nicks and silvery scars danced along their lengths.

She pulled her hands away.

"Don't," she started. His hands froze. Her shoulders curled up to her ears slowly under the weight of the burdening sea around her. It was too heavy. All of it was too heavy.

"Don't," she repeated. "I can't- Please just-" Her breath began coming raggedly again. She was drowning.

She had never known him at all.

"I was still here," she grit out. "Mina and I were still here, and we needed you." She choked as she felt her lungs begin to quiver, collapsing under the pressure. He was drowning her. "I've always needed you, but..."

The water was crushing her.

"Just go," she whispered. She pulled her hands in and wrapped her arms around herself. It was so very cold here, down below.

He was drowning her.

"I can't- I can't do this... I can't do this anymore," she gasped. The water seeped into her lungs. She choked.

"Just go," she begged. "Just... Please."

Her eyes were clenched shut, but she could still feel the weight of Remus' hands hanging in the air in front of her. She rocked herself blindly. It was so heavy, so painfully, significantly heavy. She just wanted it to stop - she wanted to breathe. She wanted to sleep.

Finally, she heard him stand, a soft whisper of feet against wood. His presence pulled her like the receding tide. She heard his feet patter quietly to the door, and then he paused - the swell of a wave. She knew he had turned back to look at her. She awaited the collapse of the wave upon her. She kept her eyes closed, anticipating the crash.

"I'll always love you, Rowan," he said quietly. She couldn't look at him. His words were a burden. "I'm just sorry that it's not as much as you deserve." He paused. "Maybe- Maybe it's better this way." His voice echoed quietly throughout the room. She couldn't respond. She simply bowed her head lower.

Then there was a creak of the door and a soft click. The tide pulled away. She was left to the silence of the sun.

Finally, Rowan opened her eyes. The wooden floor glistened with the bright light of November. She looked up to the large window of her flat. The sun was so bright. It was blinding. She felt as if she might be absorbed into its light and fade away into nothing - would she find the Remus she had been searching for all along there? Would James and Lily be there too?

A bird could be heard outside of her window. It chirped softly, a high, happy sound. It trickled into her apartment, coating the floors and walls with its light. Rowan bowed her head once more. The wave crashed deafeningly around her. She felt it leak from her eyes. She gasped and choked, washed up on the shore alone. She felt her fingers sinking into the hot sand, her cheek smashed against it. She was tangled and weak, but her lungs sucked forcefully on the sunlight around her. It was so very warm.

He was gone.