Today is the one day of the year that I don't do anything but stay in my room and cry. I hear a knock on my bedroom door. I don't say anything.

"Open the door Clary, you can't ignore me forever." Jace yells. I open the door, I have tears running down my face all my makeup is smeared form yesterday. Jace looks taken aback by my appearance.

"What's wrong Clary?" Jace asks.

"Look at a damn calender." I scream and slam the door closed in his face. I lean against the door and slid down until I'm on the floor. I let out a sob. I locked the door so no one can get in. Jace is pounding on my door.

"Let me in Clary! Jace yells.

"Go the hell away Jace your just making this worse!" I scream and start sobbing again. I can't breath properly.

"Jace move the hell out of the way." Jon yells. Jon's opening the door with the key.

"No leave me alone!" I yell still sobbing. It's getting really hard to breath. I start coughing.

"Clary open the door." Jon yells still trying to open the door. I can't breath at all so I open the door. Jon rushes into the room and drops to the floor and brings me to his chest.

"Breath Clary, you need to breath." Jon says as he brings my head down over his heart so I can feel the beat. I still can't breath I'm trying to but it's not working.

"Clary you really need to breath or else I'm going to have to give you the medication." Jon says worriedly. I can't breath. Jon starts cursing. He lifts me up and rushes me down the stairs. He gets the medication from the cabinet and makes me swallow it. I can finally breath again. Jon sits on the floor next to me and holds me.

"You can't scare me like that Clare-bear."Jon whispers just as the medication kicks in.

"Jon no no no don't let me sleep. Jon!" I yell but it's to late the medication is bringing me into a sleep.

dream

I opened the door and see my mother on the floor bleeding out. She shot herself in the head.

"Jon call 911!" I scream. someone drags me away from her body. I sit here that's all I can do. I cry and then her funeral. When the service is done my dad drags me and my two brothers to the house. He sent my older brothers to there room. Being the nine year old self I was I didn't think anything of it. Once the boys were up stairs and in there room, my father hit me across the face.

"It was your fault she killed herself." He screamed at me. I flinched away from him. He grabbed me and threw me into a wall. I screamed out in pain.

"Shut up you little bitch!" He screamed and I ran up the stairs and into Seb's room hiding under the bed. He was about to say something when dad came into the room.

"Where is the little brat?" He yelled.

"I think she went into her room." Seb lied for me. Dad walked out and Seb locked the door. I crawled out and my older brother held me while I cried silently so our father wouldn't hear me.

I woke up with a scream in my throat. I felt pressure in my right hand. I looked over to see Seb and Jon there both asleep. I took out my phone and looked at the time. It is only 10 am. I get up and go to my bedroom. I lay on my bed and cry. I try to draw but it reminds me to much of my mother. My phone rings. I pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Hello Clarissa." My fathers voice says and I drop the phone a scream in my throat. I scream at the top of my lungs. Seb and Jon come running into the room. I go behind my eldest brother Seb. He holds me while Jon talks to Valentine. Seb brings me to his room and Jon follows. We all sat in here not talking.

"Are you hungry Clary?" Jon asks me and I shake my head no.

"Clary you need to eat."Seb says.

"No I don't leave me alone." I say. Seb sighs but leaves me alone. I write lyrics in the silence.

Am i brave enough, am i strong enough to follow the desire that burns from within to push away my fear to stand where i'm afraid i am through with this cause i am more than this i promise to myself alone and no one else my flame is rising higher

i am the fire i am burning brighter roaring like a storm and i am the one i've been waiting for screaming like a siren alive and burning brighter i am the fire

i've been sacrificed my hearts been cauterized hanging onto hope shackled by the ghost of what I once believed that i could never be whats right in front of me

i am the fire i am burning brighter roaring like a storm and i am the one i've been waiting for screaming like a siren alive and burning brighter i am the fire

i don't believe i'll fall from grace wont let this past decide my fate leave forgivenesss in my wake take the love that ive embraced

i promise myself me and no one else i am more than this i am the fire

i am the fire i am burning brighter raring like a storm and i am the one i've been waiting for screaming like a siren alive and burning brighter i am the fire i am the fire i am the fire i am the fire i am the fire i am the fire

I start to hum it.

"What are you humming Clary?" Jon asks and I show him the lyrics. Seb comes over to see what I wrote.

"Wow that's really good Clary." Seb says and I just nod my head. I get up and head to my room leaving my phone in Seb's room. I go into my room to see Jace sitting on my bed.

"Please get out Jace." I say to tired to yell. He gets up and wraps his arms around me.

"I never told them anything Clary I swear on the angle, I really want you to trust me again I was so scared today when you stopped breathing, I never ever want that to happen again. Please take me back." He pleads and I start crying on his shoulder I wrap my arms around him.

"Okay but if this happens again you know that I won't take you back again right." I ask him.

"It will never happen again." Jace whispers.

"Can I spend the night with you, I don't want to be alone tonight?" I ask him.

"Of course Clary, you know you can always spend the night in my room." Jace says and I grab my drawing book and a tale of two city's book.