This is a multi-chapter, two part fic. The first part is written in Karma's diary, and the second part takes place after the wedding. It might be a little confusing at first, but it's not an AU, and it'll all come together in the end.

Part One, Chapter 2

Amy had quickly become an obsession for me. I felt like a character from a John Green novel. I fell in love with her the way you fall asleep. Slowly, and then all at once. Okay, I'm cliché, but all those love songs finally make sense. Not being with her was torture, but there was unbearable tension whenever I was around her. I felt uncomfortable having these feelings for her, but my discomfort was vastly overpowered by the intense desire to be close to her. The worst part was how oblivious she was to all of my advances. We always had a rather physical friendship, so she never got the hint when I cuddled up close to her when we watched Netflix, or when I held her hand when we walked to the bus stop. She saw me as being good ol' affectionate Karma, extremely friendly and nothing else.

No - I take it back. The worst part was the constant urge to kiss her. I thought if I kissed her once, I would know what it was like, and the desire would go away. I have never been so wrong in my life. The knowledge of what she tastes like, what her lips feel like, make it that much more difficult to refrain from kissing her. I never expected to feel like this for a girl, let alone my best friend. Being with her the rest of that summer having feelings so intense wasn't a walk in the park, but it was doable. I had accepted the fact that I would be able to continue like this until my feelings slowly faded away. I would grow out of my awkward phase, find a cute boy who likes me, and obsess over him and not Amy. Someone who could reciprocate my feelings. Someone who I could tell my feelings to and not care about rejection.

Then the school year came. Our last year of middle school before going off to Hester High. It started off easy enough, Amy and I had 4 out of 6 classes together, along with lunch. It gave me a reason to get myself up in the morning and get to school. We were inseparable, like always. Being with her was starting to become enough, because even though we weren't technically together, we had nobody else in our lives, and we were content to keep it that way. At least that's what I thought, before Josh Hoyt came around. Now, Josh was the most popular guy at our middle school, and although Amy was extremely good looking for an 8th grader, she didn't have the social status for him to notice her. That didn't stop her from pining away. Our hangout sessions turned into Facebook stalking sessions of Josh. God, just saying his name makes me cringe. He became all she ever talked about. I understood the fact that he was hot, and he would be able to give her something I could never give her, but she didn't even know him. She just liked him because he was cute. She knew she could never have him, but that didn't stop her from talking my ear off about him nonstop.

It may have been the jealousy. It may have been the fact that Amy seemed to get more and more attractive as the days passed. It may have been the fact that my 13 year old hormones were starting to kick in more than ever. It may have been a mixture of all those things combined, but I couldn't stand being around Amy anymore. My safe place had turned into an anxiety mansion. Just looking at her made me feel inadequate. I couldn't stand being around her anymore, so I tried to avoid her.

Yeah, that didn't happen. After about a half a day of giving her boring responses and her asking me a thousand times if I'm okay, she caught onto the hint that I was ignoring her. "Jeez, you sure picked up that hint right away," I said, realizing I had just opened up the door for a conversation I was not ready to have.

"Karma, what did I do? I really am sorry for whatever I did, but maybe I could be a little more specific if you told me what I did?" She looked at me, genuine concern in her eyes. Amy had always made sure that nobody else in my life would hurt me, and she would be damned if she was the one to hurt me. If only it was in her control.

And then we fought. It was a bad fight. It was one of those fights where you desperately wish you could take back the things you said, but you can't. The words are permanent, and even though you both try to forget it and move on, it's never quite the same.

We were in Amy's room, after school. We were home by ourselves. Maybe if someone else was home, we would have been more gentle in our tones, and more careful with our word choices. But sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. At this point, we were both screaming at each other.

"Jesus fucking Christ Amy, I don't understand why EVERYTHING is always about Josh. You don't even know him. You couldn't get him if you tried. He will NEVER love you the way you want him to," the words sprayed out of my mouth like poison. Amy noticeably flinched. She would have never said the words that came out next if I hadn't provoked her. But I did, I was jealous, and even though she didn't mean it, I deserved what was coming.

"You're jealous, Karma. You're jealous because you're not allowed to like a cute boy for once, because I like him. I'm so sick of your obsession over every fucking boy you see, and you're not letting me have ONE crush on ONE boy? And now you're saying I'm not good enough for him? Have you ever thought Karma, maybe you're not good enough for me?"

It hurts just to write it. It hurts because she was right. I did talk about boys a lot, granted, to cover up the fact that I was in love with her, but I could see where that would come across as annoying. And then I get on her case for liking a boy. It was wrong. It stung deep because I already knew I didn't deserve her, and for her to confirm it was the final nail in the coffin. I'm not trying to victimize myself. I know better than anyone that when Amy gets provoked, nothing else matters to her than winning the argument. It didn't stop me from breaking down into tears.

I slid down the wall I was leaning on, collapsing into the tears that had already been streaming down my face. Amy looked at me, upset, angry, and anxious. Her face softened up after she realized what we had both just said. Her brow furrowed, and she started sobbing too.

"How did we get here?" She chokes out. "I'm so sorry Karma, I really do love you."

I couldn't form a coherent sentence I was crying so badly. She came over and sat next to me, putting her arm around my shoulder and holding me until I calmed down enough to speak.

"Amy, I can't. I just can't."

"Why is this upsetting you so much Karma? Something tells me this isn't just about Josh."

I couldn't tell her the truth. She would run. She would freak out. I wasn't even ready to admit to myself how strong my feelings were for her yet. I decided to be bold, as bold as I could be at that moment and hope, hope to everything that's ever existed that Amy would finally catch the hint enough to save me from these drowning feelings. "I was afraid I would lose you," I whispered. That was my truth. I was in love with her. Losing her would have been heartbreaking.

"Karma, you could never lose me," she says, still sobbing, holding me close.

"Really?" I ask, hoping for some hint of her reciprocating my feelings.

"Of course not. Look, even if me and Josh do end up dating, you'll still be my best friend and we'll be just as close. Then you'll get a boyfriend, and we can go on double dates."

I could not have asked for a less appealing sentence than the one that had just come out of her mouth. My breathing slowed down and I stared off into space for a very long time until her breathing calmed too. Nothing was really the same after that.

The next five months are a complete blur. I became dissociated from what was happening around me. I pushed my feelings down so far that I became a shell of a person. My personality was dull, and I could feel Amy getting bored. Then again, Amy was starting to enjoy doing all the talking. I usually dominated the conversation, and she was starting to get used to being the one in charge. Of course, she asked me for the first few weeks if I was okay, to which I said yes, I was just stressed with school, or stressed at home, or stressed with everything that wasn't her. She was suspicious at first, but got used to me being quiet and reserved. After all, people change, and although she wanted the old me back, she would stick around no matter what.

I was getting used to being apathetic, and my feelings for Amy were almost completely gone, along with every other feeling I had. I stopped doing things that made me feel. I stopped listening to music, I stopped writing music, I stopped watching romantic movies, I stopped looking at her when I talked to her, I stopped touching her, I stopped every trigger that made me feel like I wanted her. It wasn't an enjoyable way of living, but it beat the alternative of being honest with not only Amy, but with myself.

Then we were invited to Josh Hoyt's middle school graduation party. It would simultaneously be the best and worst night of my life. I was reluctant to go, but Amy convinced me. "Come on, Karma, you haven't been yourself in months. You love parties, it'll be fun."

"You only want to go because Josh will be there," I said, slightly annoyed.

"Karma, jeez, I haven't talked about him in months. You haven't been the same since our fight, there's no way I would ever do anything to make you that mad again. If you don't want to go, we won't go, but I want to go because I'm concerned about you."

I made a mistake. I looked in her eyes. It made me feel just enough to agree. Amy smiled at me, excitedly. I had never seen her so excited for a party before. I was really hoping it wasn't just because Josh was there.

We arrived to a scene of drunken minors dressed especially slutty for 8th graders. It was exactly what we had expected. Amy grabbed my hand and took us to get a drink. It was the first time I touched her in months. Every feeling I had pushed down bounced back forcefully the second she made contact with me. I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn't deny it to myself. I was in love with Amy Raudenfeld, and I couldn't fight myself on it anymore. It was a losing battle. I knew something was going to happen tonight, so I grabbed a red solo cup and downed the alcohol so I would at least have something to blame it on.

I lost track of how many drinks Amy had, but she was either terrible at handling her liquor, or she had snuck a few when I wasn't looking. I was pretty tipsy at this point myself, but I still had control and I intended to keep it that way. We spent the night dancing, playing games, and being with each other whenever the opportunity presented itself. I saw her talk to Josh a few times, and I felt resentful because I was starting to believe he really was the reason she came.

It was getting late, and I decided we should leave. I grabbed her and we made our way outside to his driveway. She could barely walk straight, but she was still so beautiful. We stopped and leaned against a car in the driveway while Amy regained her composure. I decided to take this opportunity to talk to her.

"So, I saw you talking to Josh in there. You guys seemed to really hit it off."

"Ka-Karma, I told you," she was slurring her words pretty bad, "I don't care about him. Okay, he's cute, yeah, but," she stops and laughs for a little while before continuing. "He's not even that cute, honestly! I can't even tell who is cute. People say he's cute, so he's probably cute. I dunno. You know?"

I laughed because I knew exactly what she meant. Every 13 year old boy started to look the same after a while. "I can't say I'm not relieved," I said, knowing she wouldn't remember any of this in the morning. "I don't think he's good enough for you."

"Really?" She asks, genuinely curious. "Well, thanks Karms. And for the record, you're beautiful, and I don't understand why more guys aren't all over you. Really. Have you seen yourself?" She giggles at what she just said before pulling a serious face, like something had just slipped out.

"You think so Amy?"

"I mean, yeah.. yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah." She said yeah a few more times, not really following the conversation anymore. She was going to have the hangover of a lifetime tomorrow.

Her arm was still slumped over my shoulder, and she was staring at me very intently. I know it was the alcohol, but we were having a moment that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. The corners of her mouth turned up into a smile after looking into each other's eyes for what felt like a lifetime. "You're cute," she said, a smirk across her face. And that's when she crashed her lips against mine. It was sloppy, it was drunk, I could taste the alcohol on her breath, but it was Amy. I kissed her back, holding her tight. The kiss became less sloppy and became slow and passionate. I pulled away and looked into her eyes. I swear I saw something in her eyes that night, something that I haven't seen before. Something that she hadn't been letting me see. And then I saw tears form in those same eyes.

"Amy, what's wrong? Oh god, I'm sorry." She just stood there, face contorted, tears streaming down her face, sobbing occasionally. She wouldn't answer me. I don't think she could have answered me. She was gone. I felt guilty knowing I had kissed her back when she was drunk and I was slightly less drunk, but god, did I miss the feeling of her lips against mine.

We miraculously walked the 4 blocks to Amy's house and up her stairs before she collapsed on the bed. "Wait, Amy, don't sleep yet, drink this glass of water. You'll thank me in the morning."

"Thanks for taking care of me, Karma. I love you." Her face contorted again, and I thought she was going to cry, but she held it together and drank the water before passing out. It was a messy, emotional night, but it felt refreshing to feel again, even if it was false hope. I would talk to her in the morning, and we would figure out what happened. I stared at the beautiful girl, fast asleep on her bed, and for the first time, I felt like I was looking at my soul mate.