Chapter Four: Night Whispers
The week after Valentine's saw James no closer to making amends with Evans than he had been on the day he insulted her, which was bad for two reasons – the obvious being that she wasn't best pleased with him, but also because his mother had cut off his pre-bedtime bacon sandwich supply until he sought her out and apologised.
Algernon had also scratched him a couple of times, which may not have been related to Lily, but James and his cat were so finely attuned that he knew Algernon must have sensed his failure and been repulsed by it.
As far as Euphemia was concerned, James had as good as flushed £50 down the toilet by vehemently denying that Lily deserved the roses he'd bought her, and it was difficult to argue with her logic. If the purpose of the bouquet was to make Lily feel loved and admired, but James had done his level best to dump all over that feeling, he had essentially wasted his time, Lily's time, his mother's time, and Interflora's time, so in short, James was a tremendous fuckwit who deserved his mother's derision.
Perhaps it wasn't his fault. Perhaps there was a tiny monkey in his head who had been inadvertently given control of his decision-making functions. It would be nice to blame a tiny monkey.
The one bright spot amongst his mother's disappointment and his own humiliation – not to mention Sirius, who found the whole thing hilarious – was Jane Doe. James had managed to share the details of his feelings for Lily with Jane without disclosing her name, and Jane hadn't even mocked him for it. Instead, she was kind and understanding, which further proved James's theory that she would make for an excellent addition to his group of friends.
Girls were so much nicer than boys. They supported their friends. Girls didn't mock their friends when said friends received mystery Valentine's Day roses from their secret admirers, like his friends had done, though James suspected that they all secretly agreed with Not-Helena's assertion that he had a bottom like a perfect, juicy peach. If Jane's best friend became too drunk to stand, she'd probably tuck her up in bed with a cup of tea and a cuddle. When James became too drunk to stand, his mates drew dicks on his forehead in permanent marker.
Well, Sirius and Peter drew dicks on his head. Remus was decent. Remus also supported his mates. But he still wouldn't get a cup of tea and a cuddle from Remus. James wanted a cup of tea and a cuddle.
Not that he wanted to cuddle Jane. That would be strange and inappropriate. Evans, on the other hand, was ripe for some serious snuggling. James had a long-running fantasy - that he would not share with anyone on pain of death because he was a teenage boy and teenage boys were only supposed to have sex fantasies - wherein he invited Evans to his house and tucked her snugly in his arms while they watched Disney's criminally under-remembered Hercules and shared a packet of chocolate biscuits. He was so much taller than her that she'd fit quite nicely.
Maybe he'd give Jane a hug, when they finally revealed their identities to each other. Since Valentine's Day, their talks had become a daily occurrence that he found himself looking forward to very much indeed. It would be nice to hang out when their contest finally ended.
First, though, he had to apologise to Evans.
His original plan was to find her in assembly and tell her how sorry he was. He wasn't sure of the exact wording he wanted to use, but in most of his imagined scenarios, he would say something like, "I shall not rest until you comprehend the vastness of the sorrow I feel when I think of how I slighted you," at which point Lily would admit that she found him deeply attractive and they'd kiss until McGonagall gave them both a detention.
Unfortunately, Lily had started to give off a serious 'don't you dare sit next to me, you mildewed pustule on the scrotum of humanity' vibe, and that forced James to keep his distance, though Remus insisted that she hadn't, and James was just afraid of her.
He had tried to blame the monkey, but nobody else put any stock in that theory.
"Either we go to the cinema or I get to slap you in the face twelve times," Sirius snapped at him on a Friday afternoon, ten days after the fateful event, as he lounged in James's bean bag chair. "I'm sick of watching you mope around like somebody died."
"Hope died," he retorted.
"Hope died with the last US election," said Remus, who was sitting on the floor with Peter, engaged in a trilling game of Star Wars Battlefront. "Nice try, though."
"We should set up a jar for when James is overdramatic," said Peter. "And has to pay a quid every time he goes over the top."
"I'm all for this idea," Remus agreed.
"It'll probably put us all through uni."
"Kiss goodbye to your student loans, kids."
"You're only ever happy when you're on your phone," Sirius continued, not to be deterred in his mission to guilt James into Going Outside and Doing Things. "Who are you even texting? Everyone who likes you is in this room."
"I'm not texting anyone."
This was a complete lie. James had been about to contact Jane to suggest they start a Netflix series and live-text their opinions, but Sirius wasn't to know this. Aside from their agreement to keep mates out of their contest, Sirius would undoubtedly become jealous if he found that James was hiding friends outside of their group.
"Then what are you doing?"
"I'm keeping up with the stock market."
Sirius did a passable impression of Algernon at his most unimpressed. "The stock market?"
James nodded. "The NASCAR is on the rise."
"You mean Nasdaq," said Remus, with an amused smile. "NASCAR is motor-racing."
"That's on the rise too."
"Oh, for fuck sake - are we going to the cinema or not?" Sirius snarled. "We're the only people left on earth who haven't seen Black Panther."
In the end, they all agreed to go lest Sirius suffer a nervous breakdown, and so they took the bus into town for the late showing.
As was typical for a Friday night, the cinema was stuffed to the rafters when they arrived, but as Remus had possessed the foresight to buy tickets online before they left, they were able to select their seats and procure snacks without any fuss. Upon having their tickets checked, they were directed to the second floor of the building, whereupon, to the immense surprise of the group, they were immediately confronted with the sight of Lily Evans herself.
She was leaning slightly back against the wall that divided the male and female toilets, her nose buried in her phone, long red hair tumbling past her shoulders instead of pulled into its usual ponytail, and completely unaware that a helpless teenage boy in her immediate vicinity had just forgotten how to breathe.
"Lily's over there," said Peter, quite unnecessarily. He also pointed, which was even less helpful.
"He's noticed, Pete," said Sirius darkly. "Give me the popcorn."
It took James a moment to realise that Sirius was speaking to him because he'd been staring at Lily in shock, but he looked at him now, blinking in the brilliance of her radiant glow – honestly, he felt it staggering that nobody else seemed to notice what she did to the atmosphere. "What?"
"The popcorn." He extended his free arm towards the popcorn bucket in James's hands. "Give it to me."
"Why?"
"So you can go and talk to her, you fucking idiot. Apologise, or offer to buy her a fucking island, or whatever it is you do when you're a sad prick with a boner—"
Peter snorted.
"We'll go get the seats," said Remus. "Find us when you're done."
And then, without so much as a nod of assent from James, he found his popcorn extracted from his hands and himself abandoned, ten feet away from the girl of his dreams.
She looked up, locked eyes with him instantly and gave him a quick, unenthusiastic wave, a lush pink tinge creeping into her pale cheeks.
"Hi," he said, but far too loudly. A passing family stopped and looked at him, no doubt assuming he was speaking to them. James felt like a big, lumbering, idiotic pole. Why had he been cursed with his towering height? Normally, he enjoyed standing head and shoulders above everyone else, but now he felt so exposed, with every flaw and failing on clear display for the world – and more importantly, Evans, who might as well have been the world, for what she meant to him – to see and judge.
"Hey," she replied.
James had no choice but to engage now, so he wiped his sweating palms on his jeans and walked over to her.
"Hi," he said, then quickly squeezed his eyes shut. "I already said that, didn't I?"
"You did."
"Hello, then."
Lily's lips curled into the softest, most begrudging of barely-there smiles. "That's just a variation of 'hi,' really."
"But more formal, don't you think?"
"Do I need to be addressed formally?"
"Well, I dunno." The monkey in his brain was applying no rationale to his actions. He lifted a hand and ran it through his hair, and Lily followed its progress with her eyes, though he couldn't have guessed what she might have been thinking. "Are you here to see a film?"
There was a small silence, which was filled by a look of deep confusion on Lily's part. Of course, she was there to see a film. They were standing right in the middle of a cinema. What else would she be doing there, embarking on a canoeing expedition? He was ridiculous and he didn't deserve her.
"Can't think of another reason why I'd be here," she replied eventually. "I've just been to see something."
"Black Panther?"
"I wish," she said darkly. "That stupid Fifty Shades thing. Not my choice. I'm just waiting for someone now."
"A friend?"
"No, my worst enemy. We often see films together."
He was so dazed and frightened and enslaved to his fluttering heart that he actually believed her for a moment, and choked out a laugh when the joke settled. "Good one, Evans."
"You're easily impressed."
"I'm really sorry, actually," he said, breaking the rhythm of their conversation entirely. She'd given him a window for a witty comeback, and he'd sailed right by it with his eyes closed. "I just wanted to - what I said last week, that wasn't about you—"
"Wasn't it?"
"Of course not!"
"Only it sort of sounded like it was," said Lily, and slipped her phone into her handbag. "Emphasis on the word her, and all, which is fine, I don't particularly care what you think of me, but there's no need for you to be so rude when it was Mary who—"
"No no no, wait!" he interrupted, and took a step towards her, then hastily back. "What I actually meant was that – urm – that I wouldn't send anonymous flowers to a girl. Like, at school. At all."
"Why not?"
"Because it's creepy."
She frowned at him. "No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is?"
"Speaking for the female sex, Potter, I'd like to assure you that it isn't," said Lily irritably, hitching the strap of her handbag higher on her shoulder. "If whoever sent them had tried to make me feel obligated to date him afterwards, then yeah, it'd be creepy, but whoever he is, he didn't do that and I thought it was really sweet."
"Oh," he said, staring blankly at her.
"Maybe you enjoy laughing at the girls who sent you flowers—"
"I didn't laugh at them!" he protested. "I mean, Helena's, yeah, but she's a fruitcake. Did you know she thinks the world is flat?"
"Amazingly, her Flat Earther t-shirt kind of gave the game away."
"Yeah, so, I mean, she's mad, but I got a nice one from someone else, and I didn't even let Sirius read—"
"What did it say?"
"What d'you mean?"
"I'm not speaking in French, am I?"
"No?"
"So, what did the nice one say?" She folded her arms beneath her chest, which pushed her breasts together beneath her top, which was quite low-cut, and none of that helped matters except to give him a nice memory to take away with him after all of this was over. "You know what mine said because Mary read it out."
James knew what hers said because he and his mother had run through fourteen other options before settling on that one. "Right, but—"
"And you owe me for that lovely little insult last week."
"Yeah."
"So?"
"Um." His eyes darted left and right, looking for an escape - except that was bullshit because he didn't want to escape, he wanted to ditch his mates and go wherever she happened to be going. "Something about my hair, and, I dunno, other stuff, and that I have a nice arse."
"A nice arse?"
"Yeah," he muttered, supremely embarrassed. "Like... um, like a juicy peach."
"Oh." Lily tipped her head to the left and considered this, her lips pursed in a perfectly lovely pout. "Let's see it, then."
"What?"
"I want to see your arse and judge it for myself," she said. "I quite like peachy bottoms."
The little monkey ceased operating the cogs of James's brain, shrugged his shoulders, said 'you're on your own, kid,' and took a desperate, flying leap out of one of his ears. Probably the left one. "I don't— what?!"
"Oh, come on," she said impatiently. "I just sat through that odious movie without throwing up once, I feel like I'm owed a little entertainment."
"My arse," he began, trying to sound affronted. Failing. Burning up inside. "Is not entertainment."
"I can't know that until I see it."
"What, here in the cinema?"
"I'd offer to show you mine in return, but we've already established that you're not interested."
"I am interested!"
Lily's eyebrows flew towards her hairline, and the speed of his palpitations increased to a potentially life-threatening level. "In me?"
"No," he lied. "In bottoms."
"What, any bottoms?"
"Oh, you know," he said, hoping she did. He didn't know. He barely knew what day it was. "Big ones. Small ones."
"Some the shape of your head?"
"I think we've moved on to coconuts, Evans."
"I think you've got - oh," she said, and lifted her hand to give another listless wave to someone else - Evan McNamee, who had come out of the toilets and was suddenly attaching himself to their little group like an unexpected cyst. "There you are."
"Hey, Potter," said McNamee, and frowned at Lily. "What about coconuts?"
"Nothing, Potter and I were just chatting about films," said Lily, with a flick of her hair.
"Oh, okay."
"You took your time in there."
"Yeah, sorry, there was a queue inside," said McNamee, which was the universal cover-up for 'I was taking a shit' because the men's toilets never had a queue. Lily wouldn't know that, of course, because she was a girl. A beautiful, light-altering girl who always smelled pretty. "Are you ready to go?"
"I guess so," Lily sighed.
McNamee darted towards her and picked up her hand, and James suddenly realised what was going on.
"Oh," he said, his voice ringing hollowly in his ears. "You two are together, then."
"Looks like it," said McNamee brightly. "I asked her out last week."
"He sent me a rose."
"I thought bouquet guy might steal her out from under my nose, but luckily he didn't sign it," said McNamee. "Just goes to show you that you don't need to spend a lot of money to impress a girl."
"Nope," Lily quietly agreed, looking at her shoes. McNamee was holding her hand in a vice grip, but she had let it hang limp between his fingers. "You know where you are with McDonald's and a movie."
"Anyway, we should go."
"Oh," James repeated.
"Later, Potter," said McNamee, and pulled Lily away from the wall, towards the stairs that would take them to the exit. She looked over her shoulder at him as they left, trailing behind her date like a reluctant child.
"Bye, James," she said, rather sadly, and then she was gone.
He felt like he'd been punched in the chest.
Text Received from: Prongs
Sent to: Jane Doe, on Saturday, 24th February at 0:46am
...
Prongs: hey
are you awake?
i can't sleep
had a shitty night
my best mate is here but he's snoring
he sounds like a herd of wildebeest
i can record it for you if you want
jane
janeeeeeeeee
i thought we were friends
Jane Doe: Read 00:47
Prongs: oh lovely thanks
i guess our time together meant nothing to you
Jane Doe: Um, what time together?
Prongs: our many interesting conversations
also, real life interactions that we don't know we've had
Jane Doe: Oh yeah, of course. I cherish those times.
Though, you know, if we are going to be friends, maybe don't expect a response to your texts if you contact me after midnight.
I tend to sleep at night, you know.
That's what it's for.
Prongs: why are you awake now then?
Jane Doe: I also had a shitty night so I wanted to talk to my friend.
I just got off the phone with her.
Prongs: oh i see
so it's one rule for her and another for me
what's your friend's name?
Jane Doe: I may be exhausted but I'm not sloppy.
If you need a codename you can call her Blue.
After my favourite colour.
Prongs: damn
thought i had you for a bit
Jane Doe: What's YOUR mate's name?
Prongs: you can call him padfoot
Jane Doe: Padfoot?!
That's weirder than Prongs.
Prongs: what can i say
he's a stealthy mover
Jane Doe: Not so much when he's asleep, apparently.
Prongs: speaking of
i should let you go to bed
i feel guilty for keeping you from sleeping just because i can't
Jane Doe: Nah, it's fine. I'm sort of awake now.
I'll let you amuse me until I start to drift off.
Prongs: oh will you?
i'll have you know that i have better things to do than be your dancing monkey
Jane Doe: I'm pretty sure you're texting me because you DON'T have better things to do.
Prongs: i picked you over other people i could have texted actually
Jane Doe: Like Dream Girl?
Prongs: i don't have her number
Jane Doe: You'd be too chicken to text her if you did, anyway.
Prongs: wow
thanks
thanks a bunch
you're right though
how would her ladyship like to be amused?
Jane Doe: How about I ask you questions about yourself, and you answer?
Prongs: hahahaha why
to make it easier for you to win?
Jane Doe: Nah, I don't want a cheap victory.
I'm just interested.
I'll ask you non-specific stuff, I promise.
Prongs: alright then
you can have five questions, total
and i can choose not to answer them if i want to
Jane Doe: Alright.
What's your favourite colour?
Prongs: that's what you're starting with? favourite colour?
that's so boring
Jane Doe: You know mine, so it's only fair you tell me yours.
Prongs: red
next
Jane Doe: What's your favourite song?
Prongs: careless whisper
Jane Doe: WHAT?!
No it isn't!
Careless Whisper?
Careless fucking Whisper are you kidding me?
I'm going to wake my parents laughing.
Prongs: i'm dead serious
there's nothing funny about this right here
it's a classic
so much fun to sing when i'm in the shower
you should try it sometime
Jane Doe: Are you a good singer?
Prongs: brilliant
next
Jane Doe: There's that characteristic modesty I've come to know and love.
Prongs: love?
i mean i knew you'd fall in love with me eventually but i didn't think it would happen this quick
Jane Doe: I hope you're not thinking of seducing Dream Girl with that cavalier attitude, matey.
If a bloke tried that shit with me I'd reject him for the sake of it.
Prongs: even if you were, in fact, in love with me?
which you couldn't be blamed for because i am a CATCH
also very handsome
Jane Doe: Even then.
I have self-respect.
Prongs: does your self-respect keep you warm at night?
does it hold your hand and tell you everything's going to be okay?
Jane Doe: Yes, it does.
If you were serious about making me fall in love with you, you wouldn't have asked me to call you Prongs and you never would have admitted to singing Careless Whisper in the shower.
So let's move away from your bullshit and on to question 3.
Prongs: question 4 actually
you asked if i was a good singer
Jane Doe: That doesn't count.
Prongs: yes it does
Jane Doe: You're such a shit.
Prongs: god stop being so in love with me jane
Jane Doe: Question 4 then, before I murder you.
What's Dream Girl's name?
Prongs: nope
nope nope nope nope nope
move on
Jane Doe: You're no fun!
Prongs: i'm so fun they should name a day after me
but there's no fucking way i'm telling you dream girl's name
next question
Jane Doe: Alright, FINE. You BORE.
But I will find out eventually.
Name one Year 12 bloke you aren't.
I'll preface your answer by promising to give you a name to cross off your list if you do.
Prongs: alright, this question is acceptable
i'm not sirius black
Jane Doe: Lucky you.
Prongs: what?
what's wrong with him?
Jane Doe: Nothing, he's perfectly nice.
It's just that everybody thinks he's so sexy or whatever, and I really don't see it.
Prongs: i thought everyone fancied him though
isn't he like the attractive one in his group?
Jane Doe: HAHAHAHA NO.
I mean okay, lots of people fancy him.
But I know which one of his gang I'd date and it's NOT him.
Prongs: ooooh
who is it?
Jane Doe: You know what? I think I'm tired enough to sleep now.
Off to bed with me!
By the way, I'm not Helena Hodge.
Goodnight!
Prongs: NO!
NO THAT'S NOT FAIR!
I ALREADY KNEW THAT!
YOU SLY VIXEN YOU
okay this really isn't fair
sirius black is a good name to check off a list
and you gave me garbage
jane
jane
jaaaaaannnnnnnnne
The upside of being scorned by James Potter was that it finally got Mary to cease her efforts to get him and Lily together. After a long talk over pizza and milkshakes, during which Lily explained that Mary's gung-ho approach and frequent attempts to throw them together only served to make her feel worse when Potter continued to show no sign of interest, Mary was unduly apologetic, and Lily had the comfort of knowing that her friend's enthusiasm for their imagined romance was a product of loyalty.
Girls were brilliant, really. Supportive. The boys she saw around school seemed intent only upon mocking each other, and she couldn't imagine that they gave each other what someone like Mary could give her. Men were immature and not worth a girl's time, especially Potter, who had acted as if he might fancy her when she saw him at at the cinema, only to deny it again when she made it quite obvious that she was interested.
Evan McNamee was even more infuriating. Her last minute decision to agree to a date with him had been a terrible error of judgement on her part. He'd rushed her through a fast food dinner, then made her sit through the final instalment of a trilogy she had never wanted to see - about a creepy sexual abuser and his depressingly adoring wife - in the hopes that it would arouse her somehow. He hadn't been pleased when his plan failed, and had since been heard telling his mates that she was frigid.
Who needed men? They were the worst.
There was an exception to the rule, and that, of course, was Prongs. He actually discussed his feelings with her, as if he felt she had some insight to offer, which in turn made her feel valued. He never failed to brighten her day, make her laugh or divert her attention away from things that stressed her out, like her sister, or her sister's awful boyfriend, or the fact that Potter had stopped venturing near her during assembly, or the fact that she was ashamed of herself for caring.
Prongs was certainly worth keeping around, her lively, dynamic, sparkly little ball of chaos, and as the weeks ticked by and their chats grew longer, fast becoming a regular fixture in her life, so much so that their little competition had become a secondary concern. They didn't talk about it nearly as often as they should have, all things considered.
Bless his little heart, he had his own romantic problems. His mystery Dream Girl, upon whom Lily found herself ruminating almost as much as she thought about Prongs's real identity, sounded too good to be true, though Lily was practical enough to know that he was viewing her through rose-tinted glasses. No real woman could attain such a level of perfection. No real person could light up a room simply by stepping inside. Lily certainly couldn't, and knowing that there was a girl out there, real and unassuming, moving quietly through life, who could walk through a door and drastically alter the pace of her new, mystery friend's heart...
It bothered her a little.
That was strange, and confusing, because she still couldn't put a face to the guy she was talking to, and she wasn't sure if she could confirm that the feelings she had were any way romantic, but sometimes it felt as if they could be, and that shouldn't have been the case. It shouldn't have been possible to feel a spark with someone through the medium of texting. She shouldn't have been able to like someone else when the sight of Potter - much as she hated it - could still be counted upon to make her pulse quicken. She shouldn't have cared about Dream Girl at all. She shouldn't have been jealous.
But she was.
Text Received from: Jane Doe
Sent to: Prongs, on Tuesday, 13th March 2018 at 9:25pm
...
Jane Doe: Hey.
Hey Prongs.
Prongs.
Prongs.
Prroooonnnngggggggggssss.
Prongs: i get the distinct impression that you're making fun of me
Jane Doe: Oh, absolutely.
But guess what?
Prongs: what?
Jane Doe: I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN
GUILTY FEET HAVE GOT NO RHYTHM
Prongs: THOUGH IT'S EASY TO PRETEND
I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A FOOOOLLLLLL
Jane Doe: SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO CHEAT A FRIEND
Prongs: WASTE THE CHANCE THAT I'D BEEN GIVEN
Jane Doe: SO I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN
Prongs: THE WAY I DANCED WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Jane Doe: I've been listening to it for maybe thirty minutes?
Prongs: hahahahahahaha
Jane Doe: It's so good.
I'm sorry for doubting you.
Prongs: that smooth sax tho
Jane Doe: Can you really sing this?
Prongs: like an angel
Jane Doe: Damn.
That's kind of hot.
Prongs: if only dream girl agreed with you
i might be in with a chance of carrying her off into the sunset
*sad violin*
Jane Doe: Hahaha, you soppy git.
Does she know you can sing?
Prongs: she barely knows i exist
Jane Doe: I'm sure that's not true.
You don't seem like the kind of person who could be overlooked easily.
Prongs: that's the second nicest thing you've ever said to me
Jane Doe: What was the nicest?
Prongs: that i'm extremely hot
Jane Doe: I didn't say that YOU were hot, I said that the ability to sing Careless Whisper like an angel was hot.
There is a distinct difference between those two things.
I also never used the word 'extremely?'
You're living on another planet, boy.
Prongs: well fine
i was going to suggest we get married and dance to it at our wedding but FINE
FINE
if i'm not hot enough for you we'll call the whole thing off
Jane Doe: You could be. How would I know?
Prongs: can't you sense it through the phone?
Jane Doe: If I could, it would be completely overshadowed by your endless capacity for drama.
There are a couple of good-looking boys at school and like, one incredibly hot one.
You could be one of those.
Prongs: who's the incredibly hot one?
Jane Doe: I'll absolutely tell you.
If you tell me Dream Girl's name.
Prongs: nope
nope
no deal
Jane Doe: And here I thought we were friends.
Prongs: and here I thought YOU thought I was hot
i guess we've both been lied to today