*sorry it took so long to update* *this isn't a diary entry anymore it's just Karma's point of view* *this takes place the day after the wedding and Amy's confession*

Chapter 6

I was up almost all night tossing and turning. I knew I had hurt Amy. I knew she was going to do something to hurt me. Whatever it was, I could handle it. I love her more than life, and now I know she has feelings for me too. I had made such a mess. I made such a big deal about my first time being special, and then I slept with Liam Booker. No wonder she was so upset. Even if she didn't have feelings for me, she still cares enough about me to know that I deserve better than Liam. I needed to talk to her immediately. It was only 10 in the morning and I knew Amy would still be sleeping but I had to at least tell her I felt the same way.

I walked to her house and knocked on her door. Lauren answered it, and I saw Amy sitting at the kitchen table with what looked like a terrible hangover.

"You shouldn't be here. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to see you right now," Lauren said.

"I need to see her. I know she's hurt. Please. This is important," I begged

"Amy?" She asked.

"I don't care. Whatever," I heard Amy's weak voice say.

I came inside and sat down across from her at the table. "Maybe we should go upstairs," I suggested. She just looked at me, stirring around her half eaten bowl of cereal. "This is just a really personal conversation and I want it to be between us."

I could see her eyes watering. She batted at her face before a tear could fully run down her cheek. I reached out to grab her free hand. "Amy, please. I know you're hurting. I don't want you to be. I just need to talk to you and I need to know you're listening. I need to tell you everything. There's so much that you don't know."

"This is so painful, Karma," she weakly managed to whisper. "I can barely even look at you. Every time I look at you I just feel so guilty. I ruined everything and I can't even fucking help it."

"You didn't ruin anything, Amy. You couldn't ruin what we have. No matter what. Just.. listen to me. I know I slept with Liam, but it was a mistake. I slept with him because I was fighting my feelings for you." She looked up at me at first with hope in her eyes, and then with horror.

"No. No. No, Karma. No," she repeated, putting a hand over her face to hide her face from the tears.

"Amy, why? I thought you felt the same way," I started to panic. Did she change her mind this quickly?

She kept her face hidden in her hand for a few seconds while she regained her composure. "I fucked up Karma. I don't know why I did what I did. Oh my god, you had feelings too? Why didn't you tell me last night? No no no no. This is so fucked up."

"Amy, what happened? How did you fuck up? Just tell me. It's okay."

"It's not okay. I can't. I have to. But oh god. I'm so sorry."

I pulled my hand back from hers. "Tell me."

"I slept with Liam," she managed to choke out.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it at first. It made no sense. How did she find the time to sleep with Liam between the wedding and now? "Just, okay. Amy. Look at me. Please, look at me."

She looked up and I took her hand in mine again.

"It's going to be okay. We'll work this out. Can we just agree to not do anything until we get this worked out? We're stronger than this."

"You're not mad?" She asked. Loaded question. Of course I was mad. More than anything I was hurt. I know it was hypocritical to be angry, but I couldn't help it. I was mad at her for doing something just to hurt me. It was a betrayal, but I could justify it. I had been hurting her for weeks and she snapped.

"I'm hurt, Amy. But so are you. We just need some time together to work this out. We weren't honest with each other about our feelings because we were scared, but we can't be scared anymore. Fear is tearing us apart. We have to trust each other. I trust you. Do you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you," she said, trying unsuccessfully to hold back a sob. " I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't want to make things weird. It's so fucked up, Karma. I've never felt this way about anyone else. I desperately wanted the feelings to go away but at the same time I felt like if they went away, I would die. I saw you and loved you in a way I had never imagined and it was so beautiful. It still is beautiful. You're the only thing that makes sense anymore. I need you."

I squeezed her hand tight and I felt the tears that had been threatening to fall run down my cheeks. "I love you so much, Amy." I stood up and walked around to her side of the table to grab her hand and guide her up into my arms. I held her tight and buried my face into the crook of her neck. "I'm never letting you go again."

We went upstairs to Amy's room to finally sort through this mess. All the loose ends needed to be tied up. She needed to know my full truth, and I needed to know hers. She fell onto the bed, face down in her pillow before rolling over onto her side. I sat down next to her and stared at the glow in the dark stars on her ceiling.

"So.. where do we start?" She asked, looking up into my eyes.

"We both need to hear the full story. Do you want to go first?"

"I think you should go first Karma. I actually have a lot of questions," she said in a realization as she sat up. "First of all, when did you realize you had feelings for me? Was it at the threesome?"

I almost said yes. It would make things easier. I wouldn't have to explain that I was in love with her for two years before that. But we made an agreement to be honest.

"Actually, no…"

"Really? When was it then?" Amy asked racking her brain, trying to figure out when it could have possibly been.

"Remember when we went to camp the summer before 8th grade?"

Her eyes widened, but unwilling to make any assumptions, she prompted me to continue.

"Well, I kind of started realizing then that I might have feelings for you."

She stared at me in disbelief for a few seconds. Various emotions flashed through her eyes as she tried to process. I decided to speak again. "So… was that your only question?"

"I have at least a thousand more now, I have no idea where to begin. Okay, how about here. Did you have feelings for me ever since then too?"

"No! No. Well, kind of. Okay, yes. I tried not to. I tried so hard to move on and fall for Liam. I tried shutting down. I tried everything, but I couldn't."

"You even tried sleeping with Liam…"

"Yeah, I did. And that was stupid. But Amy, I had no idea you felt the same way. After we kissed at the homecoming assembly, you said it was like kissing your sister! That broke me, I couldn't-"

"Ah fuck," I was interrupted by a disgruntled Amy putting her hand over her forehead. "I was scared. I couldn't even process what I was feeling. I'm sorry Karma. If I would have known…"

"I know Amy. It's okay. We both fucked up and it's neither of our faults." We stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity before she spoke again.

"So, when you asked me to kiss you at camp, for 'practice' for boys, you really just wanted to kiss me?"

"Well, yeah. Sorry."

She looked up at me and smirked. "I knew it."

"What?!"

"I knew it! I don't know why I ignored it for so long, especially when I started realizing my feelings for you, but for some reason, I felt like there was something between us that week. Something new and exciting, but it wasn't scary. It just felt right. Then we left and you started getting distant."

I stared ahead for a minute in disbelief. "I'm not as brave as you Amy. I got distant because I started getting scared. If you had feelings for me then too, why did they go away for a while?"

"They never went away Karma. I don't know. You were always on my mind, and it was fine when it was just the two of us, but then other people got involved recently and I got jealous. I'm not as in touch with my feelings as you are, but seeing you with Liam and kissing you again made me realize that I've always loved you. I just never knew exactly how to deal with it. Like that time I kissed you at Josh's graduation party-"

"Wait, you DO remember that?"

"Of course I remember it. Okay, I wasn't that drunk. I might have played it up a little bit. But I just really wanted to kiss you. And I figured if maybe I could blame it on having so much to drink-"

I slapped her leg and tried to look angry at her before I melted into a smile. Then we laughed. We laughed harder than we've laughed in the past few years. It was a laugh of relief, like nothing was as bad as it seemed. I leaned in and kissed her, cupping her face in my hand. It was slow and passionate. I pulled back and looked into her eyes, really seeing her for the first time in a while. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."