Chapter 7

We fell asleep in each others arms and stayed like that for the rest of the day. Neither of us had gotten much sleep the night before. Neither of us had gotten much sleep at all lately. After taking a long hiatus, we were finally each other's safe places again. We still had a lot to work out, but we were in it together, and neither of us were ever going to give up on each other.

Later that night, I felt Amy stir next to me and a warm breath on my neck where her face was buried. It was amazing to hold her and know our feelings were mutual. I could feel the electricity and warmth without feeling guilty about it for the first time.

"Mmm.. Karma," she mumbled into my neck.

"Yeah?"

"I'm fucking starving. I've barely eaten anything the past two days," she propped her head up on her hand to look at me. "Can we please get something to eat?"

I smiled and held her free hand. "Of course. Dennys?"

"Duh," she rolled her eyes and smiled, getting out of bed to put her shoes on.

"Can I shower first? I haven't had a chance since before the wedding."

"Karma, come on. I'm hungry. You're fine. You look fine. You look beautiful, actually. And I love being able to say that to you," she said, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"You do things to me, Raudenfeld."

The car ride over was fairly silent. We had started talking earlier that day, but there was still so much to work out. We were both anxious to hear each other's sides of the story, but also wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs. We didn't want to risk what we had in that moment. It was beautiful. Instead, we held hands and sang along to Amy's favorite playlist which blasted throughout the car.

When we made it to Dennys, we no longer had the luxury of music to distract us from our questions. The silence and small talk across the table was too much, and we both knew we couldn't avoid our problems forever.

"We never really finished our conversation from before," I started. "We actually barely made a dent in it."

"Yeah, I guess we should probably continue that. But do we have to? I just like being with you. It's been so long since we could just be." I smiled at her without answering, but we both knew the answer was yes, so she continued. "I guess I'll pick up where we left off. The night of Josh's graduation party, when I kissed you." She looked over at me, almost like she expected me to continue. "Go on," I said. I was anxious to hear the reasoning of why she kissed me without being completely intoxicated.

"Well, I kissed you because I wanted to. I don't know why, I just did. I didn't really understand that I had feelings for you. I always knew what being gay is, I just never thought it would be me. I was so confused. I just know I wanted to kiss you."

I looked at her, uncertain of how to respond. I really did understand where she was coming from. I wanted to be sympathetic, but I couldn't help asking another question. "Why did you start crying afterwards?"

"I don't know! I think because I wasn't expecting to feel so much. I wasn't sad, or anything. It just made me feel like crying. Karma, I don't know. I'm not good at explaining my feelings. You know that." She looked frustrated. She wanted to be able to tell me everything I wanted to know. She always wanted to give me everything.

"It's okay, Amy." I squeezed her hand. "I understand."

"You do?" she looked up at me with her light green eyes. I could look into her eyes for hours. It would never get boring. I always saw something new, yet something so exclusively Amy.

"I do," I shot her a reassuring smile. "You can ask me questions now. If you have half as many as mine, they'll last us a while."

"Well, while we're on the topic of kissing. The threesome kiss."

"What about it?"

"You did feel something," she smirked.

"That wasn't a question."

"So you're not denying it?"

"Of course I'm not denying it. Obviously I felt something." The last sentence came out a little more snippy than I had hoped. "I mean, yeah. I've kind of been in love with you for the better part of 3 years. It would be impossible not to feel something."

"I know, I'm sorry. Dumb question. I just wanted to hear you say it." She reached across to squeeze my hand. She was obviously quite proud of herself. "When I pulled my trenchcoat off, you weren't expecting that, were you? Me to be wearing something so… risque."

I rolled my eyes. "No, I wasn't. That really messed me up for a while, buttface. I was trying to get over you."

"And I was trying to get you to fall in love with me. I'm glad to see it worked," she shot me her classic Amy toothy grin.

"It didn't really work, because I was already in love with you. But nice try. Really, it was something. Maybe we could do that again sometime. You know, minus Liam. And minus you kissing Liam." My attitude immediately went from lightheartedly sarcastic to completely serious as I remembered that she had kissed Liam at the threesome. "Amy, why did you kiss Liam?"

"He kissed me."

"You kissed him back."

"What was I supposed to do? Throw him off?!"

"That would have been nice."

"Oh my god, Karma," she said, slightly irritated, "that would have made no sense. Of course I didn't want him to kiss me, but I also had to play along that it was a threesome."

"So you didn't enjoy it?"

"Not really."

"Not really?" I kept hitting her with loaded questions. I could tell she was feeling attacked but I couldn't help myself. I was so insecure in the fact that she was finally mine. I couldn't believe it. I was almost trying to make up ways of why it couldn't work. Why it was too good to be true.

"This isn't fair, Karma, and you know it. If I had the chance to kiss Liam again, there is no way I would take that chance. Why would I? He's a boy. I don't like boys. I don't even like other girls. I like you. I love you."

It was hard to argue with her when everything she said was so perfect. God, why did she have to be so perfect? Everything about her made me feel inadequate. That wasn't her fault, though, that I never felt like I was enough for her. It was my own fault. My own insecurities. "I just never feel like I'm enough for you." I tried my best to refrain from tearing up. We were the only people in the restaurant, but I didn't want to cry on top of everything else. I already felt so stupid.

"Karma, I never feel like I'm enough for you."

"How can you say that? You've always been there for me. You've always gone along with everything I've done because you know it will make me happy."

"You do realize that's exactly what you do for me too, right? You've always been there. Do you feel like I'm enough for you?"

"Yes. God, yes. You're everything." My attempt to not tear up failed miserably as I barely choked back a sob.

"Then how could you possibly not be enough for me?" She squeezed my hand, leaning forward, looking up into my eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed, begging me to accept what she had said. Begging for me to accept myself, to love myself the way she loved me.

"I'm so in love with you," was the only thing I managed to whisper out. "I'm so in love with you it hurts."

"I know the feeling," she said, her voice cracking, quite obviously attempting to hold back her tears too. "And I'm right here. I'm never leaving you, Karma Ashcroft. We'll get through this. We'll be happy again."

I wiped the tears away that fogged my vision, and I looked across the table at the beautiful girl holding my hand. "I already am, Amy. Just being with you. I already am."