Chapter 5

My dearest Marian, I am sending news of our current whereabouts as requested to the address you have provided. We have taken up residence in the town house and will be staying no more than a week. I hope all is well and that you will come see us soon. Do not delay dearest. Your loving sister, Laura.

Marian crumpled the letter inside her coat pocket as she rattled towards the town house in the cab the inn had provided for her. She had wept herself into a fitful sleep after rejecting Fosco once more. Her insides yawned with guilt of hurting him again, which warred with the guilt over betraying Laura. Both fought for dominance and sometimes one would win over the other. Her happiness lay in shreds as a casualty in the fight.

She had awoken early and rung for her breakfast, hardly wanting to eat but needing something hot to force away the still lingering remnants of a poor night's sleep. The note arrived with her chocolate, having been delivered and missed her the preceding night. At once Marian had been packed, dressed and had ordered her cab. She had fulfilled her payment. She had no further reason to stay. Yet her eyes hesitated on the adjoining door and her heart ached in such a way it was almost painful.

A piece of notepaper and pen ended up in her hand but she didn't know what to write. There was nothing she could say. No apology would cover it if she did not remain there to make it in person and there was no excuse that he hadn't already heard.

'I wish...' were the only words that appeared on the page before she screwed it up and threw it in the bin. She had said what she had to say last night. It was time to leave. Nevertheless her hand still found itself slipping a sealed note to the inn manager, on which she had written the words, 'I will never forget last night. It will be engraved on my memory until the day I die. All of it. Always.'

Now the house was in sight and she was walking through the front door and her sister was greeting her with a hug. Everything was like a dream. They sat down in the drawing room and Laura was chatting about her latest exploits at various houses with Walter and how Anne had behaved very well except when she climbed a tree just to show the boys that she could! Marian noticed the colour in her sister's cheeks and the life in her eyes. It tortured her that if Laura knew what she had been doing not a few hours ago then she would go straight back into decline.

"Marian, are you all right? You look very weary." Marian registered the concern in her sister's eyes and tried to brighten up.

"I just had a bad night's sleep," she reassured, smiling weakly. Laura did not seem convinced but let it go and proceeded to tell Marian about the family's new plans.

"We are going abroad Marian! Its very exciting. Anne will greatly benefit from seeing more of Europe. Her governess is coming too." That was when the revelation struck her, somewhere in her middle, and made panic flood her veins. She was not invited to come.

"When did you decide this?" Marian managed to force out hoarsely.

"The plan has been in the making for some time." Laura said each word carefully, keeping a level gaze on Marian, cautiously measuring her reaction. "Walter and I have been talking...and...well..."

Marian dropped her eyes to her teacup and was studying the liquid dregs numbly when the next outburst startled her into splashing it.

"You need your own life Marian!"

The dark sister stared at the blonde in shock. The tension flashed in the atmosphere of the room, before Laura relaxed marginally and her eyes softened.

"What I mean is that...well...I cannot always keep you for myself. I had thought that maybe you being with us would encourage you to find someone; that it would put them in your path. When we were younger you always used to speak of love, of wanting to marry...but you seemed so uninterested in anyone..." Laura trailed off and gazed into her sister's pain-filled eyes. Her lip trembled. "Oh please don't look at me like that Marian. We want you with us, but you need to do all the things that you want to do. I know your dreams. Remember when we used to whisper them together..." She took her sister's hands and gazed earnestly into her face. "Now you can." She gave the fingers a light squeeze. "You survived in London alone. You could do the same anywhere you choose. Go sightseeing. Visit all the places you've always wanted to."

Marian couldn't look any more. She was falling into a dark hole where loneliness clawed at her from every direction and her purpose was a rapidly dimming light. A heart already broken was crushed to dust...and then she was shaken from her reverie by a handful of soft spoken words.

"Sometimes I think you are punishing yourself deliberately. That you feel you are doing penance for something..." Laura trailed off. "You don't always have to protect me Marian."

"Yes I do." The words leapt forward unbidden and Marian knew there was no stopping the confession of the oath she had taken. "I failed you before. I let my own selfish interests get in the way and it nearly killed you. For a long time I thought I had." She paused and felt the tears burn. "I swore I would not fail you again." There was a silence and then a dry sob as Laura threw her arms around her sister and they both cried.

"Oh Marian, don't be such a fool. You're my sister." Laura leaned back and clasped her sister's shoulders. "You listen to me. You are released. I release you. It was a long time ago and it is all forgiven. Now go live your life!"

There had been a lot more crying and explaining, apologies and acceptance. Finally they had parted ways and now Marian sat alone in her room contemplating her wall and her future. The thing was...there was no man she'd been interested in because there was only one man that she was. Travelling the world alone would be very dull...unless she travelled with this one man. Ultimately, she supposed, she never had to tell her sister this one man's real name. The main problem with the whole idea was that she'd rejected him a mere twelve hours ago...for the second time. Marian sat and she thought and she came to a conclusion. He may have left already, but he may not have. He may say no...but there was a slim chance that he may not. Marian got to her feet and strode outside to the waiting cab. Twice before she had gone to Count Fosco and twice before she had left him. Third time lucky?