disclaimer: i do not own bleach or any of its characters or locations mentioned in the manga or anime. i just own this story line and the OCs
thanks to: ammiranny, TsubakiHana, heyjoon, Kyoichi Amaya, and Hope of the Darkness for reading. (sorry if i forgot anyone!)
i am sooooooo sorry guys! school has been an absolute nightmare since it started and i've just been constantly swamped with work and assignments and i've barely had anytime to write. but don't worry, the story is going to continue i haven't forgotten about it! or all of you lovely people! i can't say i'll be able to stick to the usual schedule of updating (not like i really did before anyway) but i will try and get more chapters up soon. enjoy!
m
Chapter 13
As a crisp autumn breeze blew through the open bathroom window, I shivered. Turning on the sink, I let my hands stay under the warm water for a few minutes before washing them. The weather had suddenly taken a nosedive the past few days, plummeting down and staying there. Much to Emiko's pleasure, I finally had gotten to start wearing the pale yellow sweater that was part of my uniform as well as the gray jacket. She thought I "look positively adorable" in them, but I was just happy I had a reason to keep my arms covered. Most of the rooms in the high school were kept pretty well heated though, but the window in the ladies restroom was wide open, letting in a chilly breeze.
I had asked to be excused from class ten minutes before the final bell rang. Nothing had been on my mind lately except the accident with Ururu. It haunted me and stabbed at me, painfully. Urahara had bandaged her arm where I had hit her with the lightning, and he said she hadn't really lost a lot of blood at all, but I didn't care. Even if it had just been a slight bruise, I had injured her. I had made her hurt and scream out and fall down. An innocent little girl who looked up to me. All because I had been caught up in the delusion I let my father plant in my mind; the delusion of ultimate power. A power that evidently I was capable of harnessing.
After I left Urahara's that night, I had gone home, walking like a zombie the entire way. Emiko and Isamu could tell something was wrong, but neither of them pushed me to tell them anything so I had just gone to my room and fallen asleep in my clothes. I couldn't remember much of my dreams. If I had any at all they were nothing more than fragments in between my restless bits of sleep. For the next few days I avoided the store, having Emiko call in for me and tell Urahara I wasn't feeling well. Surprisingly, he didn't demand that I come in anyway, or say anything to Emiko about what happened. He just said that whenever I was ready to come back, he'd be there. Jerk. Why couldn't he just be normal and tell me to suck it up like any normal teenage employing boss.
As I walked over to the window, I dried my hands on a paper towel and noticed some ashes being swept around in little tornado like swirls by the wind. Looking over the sill, I found the cigarette butts lying on the ledge just outside. Their acrid smell still hung in the air as well as the scent of rule breaking, so surely Ms. Tanaka would be waddling along soon to try and discover the perpetrators. Her delinquent radar must be going berserk right about now. Sighing, I leaned against the ledge.
The sky was a deep blue with no clouds in sight. It looked beautiful behind the trees that were becoming bright shades of orange and red and yellow. I turned away, my back to it all. I didn't deserve to see such pretty things.
Obviously my powers reached limits that I was unable to control even now after all my training. However, Urahara and the others could only teach me so much and take me so far before my abilities left their realms of understanding. But it wasn't like I could just call up my dad and ask for his help. Shadow or not that was never going to happen. Ever. But until I understood more about myself and what exactly I could do, maybe it was a good idea not to use my lightning at all. It was definitely the safest idea. I sank to the ground, my back against the cold tiles.
My anxiety over my father and discovering who I really was, the nightmares, and the accident were enough to totally screw up my powers. And after what had happened at the shop, there was no way I was going to try using them again. What if I hurt somebody else? What if I hurt myself? I didn't trust myself to resist the temptation I knew I would experience. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to turn away from the feeling of letting my power completely envelop me and make me grow in size until I was as big as the whole world. What if I wasn't strong enough to keep myself in check?
The final bell sounded and the walls rumbled as students pushed back their chairs and began to pack up for the day. There was suddenly and explosion of sound in the hallway: laughter, shouts, chatter. I heard it all but I didn't move. I didn't want to leave the emptiness of the bathroom. I felt numb and lost and alone and ashamed and so many other things. Being around large crowds of teenagers whose biggest problems were what color nail polish to wear and what shows were on TV that night, only intensified those feelings. I was dangerous, and inhuman and people should stay away from me. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I buried my face in my skirt.
The door to the bathroom opened and I looked up. Rukia stared down at me from the doorway, both our bags slung over her shoulders. I averted my eyes after a few seconds and a breeze ruffled the top of my hair a bit. I knew she was still watching me and I felt my face heat up. I probably look crazy sitting on the floor all by myself in the bathroom…. But instead of telling me to get up or go home, Rukia walked over and plopped herself down next to me, leaning against the wall. She put her bag in her lap and fiddled with a small rabbit keychain that hung from a zipper.
"It happens, you know," she said softly. I looked at her, surprised at how gently she was speaking. Rukia was usually mercilessly blunt and forward. Being quiet and gentle was not something she did particularly well, at least not in my experience with her. But her face was calm and her mouth was turned up ever so slightly in the corner. She looked over at me, her eyes softening, and seeing my confusion, continued. "Making mistakes. It happens." I looked away, blushing again.
I knew I was acting like a child. Sitting on the bathroom floor with Rukia suddenly made that very clear. I shouldn't be sulking around avoiding everyone and everything. Part of me was embarrassed that she had to even say anything at all. But another part, a much deeper part, was trying so desperately to keep me from unraveling, that I had frightened myself into thinking that things would repeat themselves if I let them go back to normal.
"I know." I said, my voice much smaller than I wanted it to be.
"Everyone's screwed up at some point," Rukia said, grinning. "I can't even count on both hands and feet how many times Ichigo's messed something up. That idiot doesn't think at all before he acts and just rushes into things. Gives me a headache." She leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling. "And Renji…?" She let out a short laugh. "Well, he just doesn't think, period." Despite myself, I laughed at this. Looking pleased that she had gotten me to smile, she kept going. "He sucks at Kidō, if you haven't had the horrible pleasure of witnessing it yet. He kept blowing up the practice yards at the academy. Sometimes I wonder whether the teachers just passed him to get rid of him."
"The Academy?" I asked between giggles.
"The Soul Reaper Academy. You have to study and train there before you become a full fledged Soul Reaper." My eyes widened at the thought. Pleased she had managed to distract me from my self-pity party for even a few moments, Rukia went on. "After you graduate, you're placed into one of the thirteen court guard squads. If you're good enough, you'll get a seat. Renji's a lieutenant, the second seat, which means he's the second strongest member of his squad." I raised my eyebrows at that. The Renji I knew was an arrogant, clumsy idiot. How did someone like that become so important? The same way someone like you has enough power to crush the whole town with one blow, a little voice said in my head. Maybe there was something like that deep inside of Renji too.
"Even I've made some really bad choices." Rukia's voice became hard, and her eyes looked steely. She was faraway, deep in memories that clearly caused her pain. Shaking her head a bit, I could see the life slowly make its way back into her face. She looked up and gave me a small smile. "It's always going to happen. Especially when you're learning something new. Everyone understands that."
"Not everyone," I said, wrapping my arms around my knees. Jinta's horribly pained face burst into my mind. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes and felt the sting of his words as if he had shoved a knife between my ribs. She's crazy! You are a monster!
"The point is," Rukia said, turning to face me, a stern look on her face that held no foolish signs of pity, "the mistake isn't important." I looked at her confused.
"How-" She held up her hand for me to be quiet and let her finish.
"It's what you learn from the mistake that's important. Just because you screwed up, doesn't mean you failed or you should walk away and never try again. That's just giving up and taking the easy way out. You have to learn from what went wrong and use it to make yourself stronger and smarter than you were before. Use it to stop things from happening like that again. That's how you reach your full potential. That's how you win."
I couldn't help but stare at Rukia after she finished. I had never heard such strong words come out of someone's mouth before, but I could feel the truth in what she said. Yes, my powers were dangerous and unrefined, but if I tried just a little harder, if I didn't allow myself to give in to the temptation, there was a chance I could really master myself. I would just need to make that first step.
"So come on," Rukia stood up and dusted herself off. Turning to me, she held out my bag and smiled. "You have work today." I knew that I couldn't avoid the shop any longer. I needed to go back and apologize again for what happened. I needed to accept what I had done and stop running from it. I needed to grow up. Taking a deep breath, I nodded and grabbed the strap of my bag. Rukia yanked me up. I smoothed out my skirt and looped my bag over my shoulder.
Rukia grabbed my wrist and began to pull me to the door. As we exited the school I looked up at the sky. Rukia was right. I would probably make countless mistakes in learning to use my powers, but there was no use getting upset about them. If I did, I would be at a complete standstill, not learning anything and going nowhere. I had to try and get stronger, to understand more about why my powers were the way they were. Even though I dreaded seeing everyone again after hiding for days, I knew I had to do it. Might as well get it over with….
When we finally arrived at the Urahara Shop, Tessai greeted us in the yard. He was sweeping and whistling a cheerful tune.
"Gone?" Rukia asked, letting go of my wrist for the first time since we left school. Tessai nodded.
"Yes, the children have gone with Mr. Urahara to town for a few things. They won't be back for some time."
"It's fine," I told her. "I'm fine. I need to start anyway, I'm late for my shift." Tessai raised his eyebrows at me, clearly surprised I was talking about working after having been gone several days.
"You sure?" Rukia asked, turning to me. She looked concerned and I felt a small pang of annoyance. Why did no one believe me whenever I said that? Did I look that fragile? I nodded assuredly and walked straight inside the shop without saying another word. I could hear Rukia say goodbye to Tessai as I slipped off my shoes. Reaching into my bag I pulled out a pair of jeans and my t-shirt that said "Urahara Shop" in green writing across the front. As I ran my hand over the characters, the door slid shut behind me.
Turning around I looked up into Tessai's face. Like Isamu, he was a man of few words. His face was often stoic and never hinted of much emotion, but the smile he had on at the moment was so wide I was honestly surprised. I was worried his jaw was going to unhinge.
"It's wonderful to have you back Miss Kobayashi," he said, the corners of his eyes crinkling behind his glasses. I smiled back, feeling a warmth in my chest. Tessai had the ability to make me feel like he always spoke the truth. To see him this happy that I was back made me happier than I had been for several days.
"We'll see how long that lasts this time," a voice drawled from the doorway to the back hallway. My smile slipped away as fast as it had come and I rolled my eyes. Turning around I walked further inside. Renji was leaning against the wall at the opening to the hallway. His arms were crossed and he was smirking at me. As I passed him I shot him a huge smile.
"Can't get rid of me that easily," I said, walking into the bathroom to get changed.
"A man can dream," Renji mumbled. I rolled my eyes again as I slid my skirt off and then pulled my jeans on.
"Mr. Abarai, Miss Kobayashi is a valuable employee. We would all be devastated if she decided to never come back," Tessai said, his voice quavering a little bit as if he thought Renji's words would really mean anything to me. Fully changed, I stepped out of the room.
"It's okay, Tessai" I said, grinning as I passed Renji again. "I know Renji would be heartbroken if I left. He just doesn't want to admit it." Shoving my school clothes back into my bag on its hook, I heard Renji let out a loud fake laugh.
"It would definitely be quieter," he said, walking over to a shelf and straightening a few boxes on it. I rolled my eyes again and turned to Tessai.
"Anyway, what's on the to-do list for today?"
"Mr. Urahara said he would like for you both to clean the large storage room in the back. There's buckets of water and sponges already in there."
"Us both?" I looked at Tessai, expecting him to correct his mistake. When he didn't, I got worried. "Wait, you mean…" I gestured towards Renji who was picking his teeth. "I have to work with…that today? Can't I just do it myself?" Tessai shook his head. "But it would get done much faster if he didn't get in my way!"
"Orders are orders, Miss Kobayashi," Tessai said, his voice firm, both hands gripping the broom handle out of seriousness. "Mr. Urahara was very intent when he said he wanted both of you to do it." And with that, he walked back outside to finish his sweeping. I slouched against a shelf and ran a hand over my face. Renji sauntered over to me with that stupid grin stretching all over his stupid face.
"Ready to get to work, partner?" he asked, punching my arm much harder than he should have. I glared at him. "Best way to get back into things is to dive right in you know." I placed my hand on his chest to shove him away but he barely even moved, only taking a small step backwards. He grabbed my wrist softly but firmly and I couldn't pull my hand away. I looked up at him confused. His eyes were soft around the edges as they stared into mine, flicking back and forth subtly. He shifted a bit and I could feel the muscles of his chest ripple underneath his shirt, my hand still pressed against them. A blush heated my face and I pulled my eyes away from his.
"What?" I asked quietly, tugging my hand back a bit. But Renji held firm until he draped a towel over my shoulder.
"For when your knees get wet." Looking back into his face, I saw his mouth curve into a small half grin that turned up the edges of his eyes. My heart skipped a beat. An electric surge unlike any I had felt thus far shot through my body, starting at my fingertips and ending at my toes. He let go of my wrist and walked away, swinging a towel over his own shoulder as well. As he rounded the corner into the hallway I let out the breath I had been holding. For a fleeting second, when he smiled at me with that lopsided grin, the realization of how attractive Renji really was flashed through my mind, made only worse by the fact that my hand had been pressed up against his chest. He had a very firm chest.
Shaking my head suddenly I wanted to hit myself. That was disgusting. This was the same guy who slacked off all the time and left me to do all the dirty work when we would have the same shifts. The same guy who would mercilessly make fun of me, as if it were his life's goal. And it was just…Renji. Starting after him down the hallway I mentally, and physically, smacked myself for letting him make me feel like…like…a teenager. You are a teenager, a small voice said, but I pushed it away, disgusted again that even the possibility of feeling something more than friendly hatred for Renji had crossed my mind.
When I walked into the large storage room at the very end of the hallway, I expected to see him sitting on the windowsill, lounging around and doing anything except helping me clean like usual. But to my surprise he was already kneeling on the floor, the baggy grey sweatpants he was wearing rolled up above his knees, dumping a bucket of soapy water onto the floor.
"Huh, never thought I'd live to see this day," I said, leaning against the wall. Renji turned around, sponge in hand, and glared at me.
"Just shut up and start scrubbing," he said, unable to come up with anything wittier to throw back at me. Grinning, I rolled up my jeans as well. I picked up the other sponge next to its own bucket and started on the other end of the room. The large window was open, letting in the cool breeze which felt good on the back of my neck as worked at scrubbing a years' worth of dirt and grime off the floor.
"God, doesn't he ever clean this place," I asked, sitting back on my heels at one point and wiping my forehead on the back of my hand. I had just waged war on a particularly nasty dirt clod that looked like a combination of dust bunnies, hair, and dried gum. Delicious.
"Well," Renji laughed, sitting back on his heels as well, "If you count using the vacuum until it clogs…."
"Yeah, how far did that get him? Two inches into the room?" I laughed and Renji grinned again, bringing me back to my earlier thoughts. Blushing, I turned back to my work and scrubbed vigorously, trying to think about anything other than Renji's smile. Once the dirt clod finally relinquished its hold on the floor, I rinsed the area off and snuck a glance over at Renji.
He was bent over, scrubbing a dirt clod that looked like it could have been my dirt clod's fat sloppy cousin. His arms were bare and I could see the muscles moving beneath his skin, making his many tribal tattoos seem to dance as he worked. His face was calm and smooth, focusing on his task yet far away in his thoughts as well. His hair was pulled back into a crimson braid that trailed down his back and fell off to one side and his black bandana was tied around his head to keep the loose hairs back. I took in everything about him within seconds and then realized I had stopped scrubbing. Panicking, thinking that he probably noticed me staring by now, I dunked my sponge back in the bucket way too forcefully.
A wave of water poured over the side as the whole bucket fell over. I stood up before my pants could get soaked, but slipped on my towel which had fallen off my shoulder. Landing on my butt, my foot crashed into the bucket which went bouncing across the room, clattering loudly. I could feel Renji's eyes on me even before I looked slowly over at him. He had one eyebrow raised at me and just stared. After a few moments he shook his head and laughed lightly.
"You're crazy." He stood up and walked over to me, offering his hand. I let him help pull me to my feet and then looked down with dismay at my soaked clothes. It took a few moments to realize that Renji was still holding my hand in his. I pulled away quickly before he thought that maybe I was still holding on to his hand instead. My face heated up again and I cursed under my breath. Renji just grinned.
ooo
A few hours later we were sitting on the windowsill to the big storage room as the floor air dried. I had changed back into my school uniform after Tessai offered to throw my wet clothes in the dryer. Both my legs hung over the sill and I swung them back and forth, my feet still bare. Despite the slight chill in the air, I wasn't cold, even after my spontaneous bath.
Renji, of course, had asked what caused my spasm. Because I couldn't possibly tell him the real reason, he decided I must have seen a bug and I had to spend the next hour listening to him mock me about it. Eventually, Tessai had made his way back into the room and slapped Renji on the back of his head, telling him that he should have been a gentleman and offered to kill it for me instead of laughing about it. I found that exchange to be incredibly funny, especially the confused look on Renji's face, so I started laughing too, to which I also received a swat and was told it wasn't polite to laugh at other people's pain.
Rubbing the back of my head where it still stung a bit, I looked up at the dark sky and noticed, with much dismay, that some storm clouds had rolled in. The low rumble of thunder worked its way past us, and I sat with bated breath for what would come next.
I could feel it before I saw it. A rush of energy surged through my veins like life itself, making the hairs on my arms and neck stand on end. I could feel it building high above me, like water trying to get through a stoppered drain. Finally, after searching around it found a crack in the clouds and came plummeting towards the earth with enough force to cleave the ground in half. The air around me was electric and I was suddenly very aware of the lightning leaving the sky. It hit the ground somewhere very far away, but I pulled my feet up and hugged my legs to my chest anyway.
"She'll get over it, you know." Renji brushed his toes against a rock on the ground outside at his feet. I looked over at him, not picking up on what he meant. "Ururu. She'll forgive you." I felt like my insides were caught in the grip of an icy fist, and I looked out into the night. This was the second time today someone was going to bring the accident up.
"Mm."
"I mean, she follows you like a lost puppy. She'll forget all about it and go back to being your shadow again so you can stop walking around in a permanent mope." Renji kicked the rock and we listened to it clatter into the dark.
"She shouldn't." I whispered.
"What?"
"She shouldn't forgive me." I buried my face in my skirt, feeling just as ashamed as the day of the accident.
"Why?" Renji asked, shifting suddenly to face me. "It was just an accident. She knows that. Everyone knows that. You didn't mean to-"
"I didn't mean to what?" I asked loudly and angrily, looking up at him. He leaned back a bit, no doubt because of the crazed look on my face. He could have no idea how much it had all been torturing me ever since I had hurt Ururu. I couldn't blame him. But who did I really have to talk to? My friends? How could they possibly really understand what I had felt? How overwhelming it had all been? It was like being trapped in my own personal hell, being forced to deal with all the thoughts and feelings alone. Maybe that's why I found myself suddenly spilling them all out, not caring whether Renji understood or not. I just needed to unload.
"Everyone knows I didn't mean to almost fry Ururu to a crisp? That I didn't mean to almost kill her? It doesn't matter whether I meant to or not. It almost happened. For real. Not by accident. I shot that lightning on purpose knowing full well what I was doing and I couldn't control it. I haven't been able to control it for a while now, but did that matter? No. It didn't." Renji leaned forward and raised his hands as if trying to signal me to calm down. But I couldn't. Not at that point. It was like he had broken the dam inside me and everything just started rushing out. But I didn't want to stop it. It felt good to vent about it all finally. I surprisingly began to feel better with every word.
"There's so much more power behind the Shadow side of me that no one understands. It's neverending. It's so huge that I can't even see the boundaries of it anymore. When I used my powers that day, I felt like I was a thousand times bigger than the whole world. Like I could crush everything around me with one twitch of my fingers. It was so inviting to just slip into it all and lose myself. To just let the sheer power completely take over. Just like my father said." When that part slipped out, I paused and realized with a thrill of fear just how right Katsu had been. "Just like him," I whispered.
"What do you mean?" There was an edge to Renji's voice I hadn't heard before. It was dangerous and sent a chill up my spine. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. He knew exactly what I meant, and I could almost picture the disappointment in his eyes.
"He's my father. His blood is my blood. He's a part of me. The Shadow part. The dark part. Maybe I really am like him." Renji moved so quickly it startled me and I almost fell off the windowsill. He grabbed my chin and forced my face around so that it was only inches away from his. I fell towards him a bit and put out my hands to stop my fall, both of them landing against his chest. I was so thrown off I almost didn't hear him speak, his voice was so low.
"I don't ever wanna hear you say that again." I looked up into his eyes, now hard and completely serious, not hint of disappointment anywhere. They were narrowed and peered into mine with an anger I couldn't quite understand, at least not then. My own eyes were wide and I just stared at him in shock. "You're nothing like him," he went on, "Nothing at all. And you're never gonna be like him." I shook my head.
"You don't know. I almost couldn't resist it. I almost just…slipped away." My eyes flicked across his face wildly. "What if next time, the same thing happens? What if I give in completely? If I can't stop it?"
"You can and you will." He squeezed my chin a little harder.
"You can't know that. I'm not that strong-"
"Yes you are. I know you are."
"How?" I asked, noticing the note of pleading in my voice, begging him for proof that I wasn't a monster like Jinta said. "How can you know?" Renji's face suddenly softened. His eyes relaxed and I watched his pupils dilate, but he stayed serious.
"Because I know you. You're stronger than you wanna admit. And you're not just a Shadow, Sayuri." A thrill went down my spine as he said my name and I felt his breath dance across my face. "You're brighter than they are. And I will never let you turn into him. I promise."
"Why?" I asked. For what felt like an eternity, we just sat there on the sill, faces inches apart, my question hanging between us. Renji's eyes traveled all over my face as if searching for his answer and the longer it took, the faster my heart began to race until I was sure he could hear it. My fingers curled and I softly gripped the fabric of Renji's shirt in my hands.
"So…are you guys gonna like, makeout or something?" Jinta's voice shattered the moment, and both Renji and I pushed apart until our backs were pressed against opposite sides of the window frame. I looked down at the floor, my face warm. "Gross," Jinta scoffed as Urahara stepped into the room behind him and knelt to the floor to examine our work.
"Good job you two. It's nice to see you didn't kill each other," he stood up and grinned at us. Renji, all signs of the seriousness he just had gone, snorted and stood up as well.
"Sayuri almost did that on her own. She can't even stand up without ending up on the floor." He stretched and crossed his arms behind his head. Normally I would have punched him in the stomach, but I was still a bit shell shocked from what had just happened, so I merely stood up and grinned sheepishly.
"What else is new," Jinta said, grinning also. As his eyes met mine, I could see none of the hostility he had harbored the day of the accident. Clearly he had gotten over the events of the last few days and was back to his normal routine of treating me like dirt. What a wonderful child. Turning around he skipped out of the room singing something about me and Renji kissing in a tree, and Renji followed after him a bit red in the face. Giggling a bit at the ridiculous and dysfunctional life I had actually indeed missed during my self-inflicted misery, I turned around and pulled the window shut, latching it. In the glass I could see Urahara still inspecting the room and a small face peek around the doorframe.
Ururu's eyes met mine in the glass and I could hear her soft gasp. She began sprinting into the room and I turned around just as she threw herself into my arms. She held me tightly, her small arms wrapped around me, squeezing as if she was afraid I'd suddenly disappear. She buried her face in the fabric of my shirt and I stood there stunned for a few moments before I felt a prickling behind my eyes and a tug in my throat. No crying, Sayuri, I told myself. Biting my lip, I held back the tears.
Kneeling down, I let Ururu move her arms to wrap around my neck and I hugged her back just as tightly. Reaching up, I ran a hand over her soft hair and felt her tears roll down my cheek. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed her over the past few days. Ururu had become like a younger sister to me and, as someone with very little family, I never realized until now how much I cared about her. But what hit me the hardest was the realization that Renji had been right.
She had forgiven me. She told me later on that she was crying because she was happy I decided to come back. She was holding me tightly in fear I would go away again. Despite the fact that her hand was still bandaged and probably would be for a while, she wasn't angry at me. She never had been.
Maybe Renji was right about everything else too. That I would be able to ignore the draw to power I had been feeling. That I would be able to resist the darkness my father had bestowed upon me. My mother was a part of me as well, and she was nothing but good and honest and loving. There had to be a bit of her in me too.
As I walked home that night, I listened to the thunder rumbling far away; the storm had passed us by. Finding a light in the shadows that now filled my world would not be easy, but it was necessary and it had to be somewhere inside me. I just needed to find a way to spark it to life.