Alright my lovelies, so here is why it's been taking me a while to write lately. When I started this story, I had only really gotten through half of the Aizen/Arrancar arc. I had noooooo clue Ichigo was going to lose his powers and there was going to be like a year and a half long time skip where everyone goes back to the soul society. Obviously, if you've been keeping up with the timeline of sayuri's story, this is a problem seeing as the whole thing takes place during their second year of high school…aka: the entire time skip. Fear not! I have a solution….
I'm just gonna have all the events in the story move up a year earlier. So Sayuri starts the story at age 15, instead of 16, and in her first year of high school not the second. This means that Spark in the Shadows is taking place at the same time as the Aizen arc.
In order to preserve the time skip which I would like to use in a possible sequel idea I have for this story (we'll get into that later on) I need the timelines to somewhat match up.
So, for now, we're just gonna smile and wave boys and pretend like this all makes complete sense. I've spent many hours agonizing over this and I decided im just going to shut up and ignore the physics telling me two events can't happen at the same time. In bleach world, they can.
If you'd like to understand how exactly this will pan out, I've made myself a nice little graph/chart/thingy with all the major events on it that I'd be more than happy to send you. Let me know ^-^ as always, you guys are wonderful. I love you. Thank you for dealing with my crazy.
and to make up for my abyssmal timeliness, i've made this chapter extra long for you.
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Chapter 23
When I woke up a few days later, the first thing I noticed was how heavy my body felt. It was like in the time I had been sleeping someone had removed all my bones and replaced them with the heaviest steel. Before I even opened my eyes I tried moving different parts of myself, just to make sure they still worked. Toes? Wiggling. Ankles? Rolling. Legs? Stiff and sore, but moving. And it continued like this until I got to my face. Slowly, agonizingly, I forced my eyelids to open. They might have been superglued shut for all I knew.
Things were blurry for a few moments before they came into focus and I had a good look at my new surroundings. I had half expected to be back in a hospital bed somewhere, but was instead greeted with the familiar wood paneling and tatami mats of a spare bedroom at Urahara's shop. The sun was slanting in to my room through the window; a soft, golden glow that told me it must be nearing sundown.
For a split second, a panicked thought ran through my mind as I realized that Emiko and Isamu would start to worry if I wasn't home before the street lights came on. I even started to push my aching body up into a sitting position before I stopped, paralyzed by the most painful flood of memories I had ever felt. Fire. Debris. Collapsed roof. Explosion. They were dead. They couldn't worry about me because they were dead and gone forever. I sank back down on my futon and stared at the ceiling feeling utterly empty and numb. I didn't cry or scream. I just lay there in the gathering darkness and let my despair roll over me in silence.
That was how Orihime found me a few minutes later when she came tiptoeing into the room. She was carrying a basin of water and a cloth which she promptly dropped and spilled all over the floor when I turned to look at her. She screamed for the others and flew to my side faster than I could blink. The lights flipped on and several people tried to squeeze through the doorway at the same time. Ururu (who flung herself onto me, painfully) and Jinta, Rukia and Ichigo, Tessai and Chad, even Uryuu was there.
I pushed myself up again and forced a grin onto my face. "'Sup guys," I said, in what I hoped sounded like a cheeky, devil-may-care kind of tone. They all began talking at once; asking me questions or telling me about the last few days I had been sleeping. It was chaos for several moments until Urahara sauntered in and shouted for them all to be quiet. He sat down on the floor next to me and locked his eyes onto mine.
"Orihime," he said, and she sat up very straight, listening. "Go get some more water. It's time to change her bandages." She hurried off to do as he asked. Looking down I realized my hands, parts of my arms, my stomach and parts of my legs were all wrapped in white cloth bandages. There were some spots that were stained brown where I must have still been bleeding. I looked back up at Urahara and noticed his eyes never left mine. I dropped my attempt at looking carefree. My face slid back to its previous look of nothingness. Urahara knew, just like he always did, what was really going through my mind. I couldn't put on a mask in front of him, so I stopped trying.
"It's all gone," I heard myself whisper. "Again." It wasn't a question, but a statement. I already knew this time that everything I had a few days ago was just a pile of ashes now. Either way, Urahara still nodded in response. "I need to set up graves for them," I said, not to anyone in particular. I started pushing myself awkwardly into a kneeling position so I could stand up, feeling myself begin to panic again as I realized everything that needed to be done. "I've got to get a funeral worked out, and the greenhouse! And the flower shop! I'll have to see if someone else can take care of things for a while. And the house…I don't even know-"
"Sayuri," Urahara's hands gripped my arms firmly just above my elbows. He shook me a bit, trying to bring me back out of my rambling.
"Someone has to do it, Kisuke. There's so much…."
"I know," he said, and I was grateful his face didn't soften in pity, but stayed firm and focused. "It will all get done, I promise you that. I owe it to them as well. They were dear friends of mine, remember?" I nodded and let him lower me back down onto my futon. Ururu crawled to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I couldn't find it in me to hug her back this time.
I looked down at my bruised and bandaged hands. In a flash, I saw them covered in blood again like they had been the night I killed my mother. They began to shake.
"I remembered," I whispered. Everyone went still. "While I was asleep I saw it again. What happened on the night she died…I remembered it all." Despite myself, my voice shook ever so slightly. I hoped no one noticed.
"I know it's hard, but you need to tell me," Urahara moved a bit closer to me.
"We can leave if you want," Rukia offered, but I shook my head. I didn't care if they heard. I no longer felt embarrassed by my Shadow history. It was full of bloodshed and sin. I truly was the monster everyone feared. My story would only reinforce that.
I started to speak, beginning with my arrival back home from school when I noticed my mother rummaging around in her room. At first, I closed my eyes, trying to remember every detail. But, the images replayed so vividly on the insides of my eyelids I pulled them open. I couldn't watch it all again. It was bad enough I had to recount it in words. Instead, I just kept my eyes focused down on my hands now limply lying on my lap. When I got to the part where I stabbed my mother, Orihime gasped. I didn't blame her. Not in the slightest.
"I guess Captain Hitsugaya was right," I said when my story was finished. Everyone looked at me in confusion. "I guess I am just a tool Katsu created to use for his own use. He said so himself." I could sense something shift out in the hallway, another presence. Someone who was listening but didn't want to come inside.
"That's not true," Ichigo said, but I held up a hand to stop him.
"It is. I'm his link to the Soul Society and the Soul Reapers. An endless supply of spiritual energy for him to feed on and even more souls for him to control. He planned it all from the very beginning. He used my mother and then disposed of her." Everyone was looking very uncomfortable and shifting in their spots. "There's something I don't quite get though," I continued, raising my eyes to look at Urahara. "Why didn't she ever look for help?" His face visibly tightened.
Slowly, Kisuke removed his striped hat and placed it on his lap. He wouldn't look back at me, and there was anger in his eyes I hadn't seen there before.
"She did look for help," he snarled. I stared at him.
"From who?" I asked, but I suddenly realized the answer.
"From the Soul Society. She went to them as soon as she found out she was pregnant with you and discovered what Katsu's true goals were. She begged them to help her, to protect you once you were born." Of course. Why didn't I realize it before? It made total sense that those high browed assholes would have been the ones to turn her away.
"That can't be right," Rukia said. "Why would the Soul Society turn away a Soul Reaper in distress? She was one of their own, wasn't she?" Urahara looked at her sadly, as if her blind faith in the Soul Society was disappointing, which it was.
"She pushed far enough in to have a meeting with the head captain," Urahara said. At his words, everyone stiffened up. I looked at them all, figuring this head guy must not be someone you just walked in to chat with. Kisuke continued, "But she had gone rogue. When she chose to stay with Katsu and help him adjust, she threw away her duties as a Soul Reaper and stopped helping other souls that needed guidance and protection. When Captain Yamamoto heard her pleas, he told her there was nothing he could do for her. Remember also, the Soul Society has dealt with Shadows before. It was centuries ago, but if anyone is going to remember what happened, it was going to be that old man."
I had stopped breathing while Urahara was talking, afraid that if I did I would miss some of what he told us. I needed to hear it all; the truth about what had happened. The room was tense and no one seemed to want to move. Urahara continued.
"I used to be head of the department of research, Squad 12."
"You were a captain?" I interrupted, honestly surprised. He ignored me and kept going.
"During my short stay, I had looked into several occurrences that the higher ups seemed determined to keep hidden. The existence of Shadows was one of them." He looked straight at me, his voice dull as if telling a sad story for the hundredth time. "Your father isn't the only Shadow that's ever been dead set on consuming as much spiritual energy as he could. There have been several to claim "leadership" over all the others. They launched massive attacks on the Soul Society, injuring countless innocents along the way. Eventually, the head captain got tired of seeing so many lives lost for some senseless hunger for energy. The other captains, and eventually full squads, got tired of it too."
While Urahara was talking, I felt a knot in my stomach tightening with each word. I could almost picture what he was going to say next. I closed my eyes, wishing it wouldn't come. But, like the truth always does, it did anyway no matter how hard I fought to keep it at bay.
"The Shadows were annihilated, by order of Central 46." Urahara's eyes grew very dark, and there were several intakes of breath from around the room. Central 46…? I searched my memories for mention of them.
"The rule over the 13 court guard squads, don't they?" I asked, seeming to remember something said in passing during training months ago. Urahara nodded.
"They declared the Shadows were too powerful with their ability to absorb energy and become stronger. They were also too erratic and uncontrollable. They were considered deadly and dangerous and the only course of action they could think of was complete destruction of their kind."
The room was silent. Kisuke avoided my eyes, as did everyone else, but that was fine. I didn't feel like facing the emotions they were trying, and failing, to hide. Pity. Fear. Uncertainty. Instead I stared into the corner where shadows were beginning to gather in the gloom of the oncoming dusk. The more I stared into them, the less dark they seemed. It was like the air around them thinned and I felt sure that if I walked over and reached out, I could pass through them.
"So that's why the old man wouldn't help Sayuri's mom?" Ichigo finally asked, breaking the silence and my trance. I blinked a few times, my eyes stinging. I must have stopped at some point…. I looked at Urahara for the answer, and he nodded. Ururu squeezed my arm a bit. She had settled down onto her knees beside me and had her little arms wrapped around my striped one. For a split second, an urge rose inside me to shake her off. It was an angry urge, filled with venom. But as quickly as it came, it passed, and left me feeling disgusted with myself for ever even imagining being so cruel to Ururu. Even so, I didn't pull her any closer.
"So he left her all on her own, with an unborn baby, to fight against these creatures that had once posed such a threat, they had to be cut down?" I asked no one in particular, hearing just how monotonous my voice was. I was devoid of any emotion.
"Basically," Urahara admitted sadly. He scratched his chin and continued, "Her only other option was to come back to the world of the living. That's when she came to find me." My head snapped around to face him.
"You knew my mom?" I knew Emiko and Isamu had been friends with Urahara for a long time, but I had no idea he was acquainted with my mother.
"She used to be in my squad before I got kicked out," he grinned sheepishly. "She wasn't a seated officer or anything, but we worked together on experiments and assignments plenty of times. She was probably one of the few who was actually sad to see me go," he trailed off and his eyes took on a glassy faraway look.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked.
"Would it have really made a difference?" he said, quietly, staring down at his hands. "She's still gone either way. And there's nothing I can tell you about her that you don't already know, so reminiscing would have been pointless. Anyway," he sighed and shifted himself around on the tatami mats. "I gave her a gigai so she could pass for a human and live here in this world, constantly on the run from Katsu. She went to Hidori which, after Karakura, has the most concentrated amount of spiritual energy. She hoped you two would pass under Katsu's radar and he'd never find you."
"Until I blew the roof off," I said with a hollow laugh.
"We felt that from here," Kisuke continued, "That's how I knew where to find you. I brought you to the hospital after that since your spirit energy levels were practically nonexistent. I figured the living humans wouldn't notice anything off about you."
"And then you left me there," I said. It wasn't an accusation, or filled with any emotion at all. Just a fact. What would Kisuke have done with a teenage girl anyway…, I wondered. He can barely raise Jinta and Ururu. I kept my eyes on the floor, knowing the emotions I would find on the faces of my friends if I looked around. I felt sick to my stomach, even though I hadn't eaten in probably days judging by the way some of the bare cuts and bruises on my body had already healed.
"I have a question," Uryuu spoke up for the first time and we all looked at him. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and said, "Why can't Katsu get into the Soul Society on his own? According to your story, there had been Shadows there centuries ago fighting the Soul Reapers. So why can't he get back in?"
"Think of it this way: those Shadows back then already existed in the Soul Society, but Katsu became a Shadow in the world of the living. The gates to the Soul Society are locked to them. Those who existed long ago would not have been able to cross into this world, just like Katsu can't cross over either. I could never quite figure out why, but it might just have to do with the way their spiritual energy is composed. Something blocks them from crossing worlds. Well, with the exception of Sayuri and that's only because she's not fully a Shadow. She rightfully belongs in the Soul Society due to her Soul Reaper blood." After this, the conversation turned more to genetic makeups of different spiritual beings, to which I was grateful. Everyone's eyes had been boring into me for so long, I was a little shocked I hadn't had a panic attack. Maybe something inside me had broken and none of my fears or emotions worked properly anymore.
My eyes slid again to the shadows in the corners that were growing larger as the sun disappeared. If I shifted my eyes just a bit and let them slide out of focus, it was like I was looking through a thin veil that hung on the walls instead of solid wood. They were just like the ones I remembered from when Mikio pulled me through the walls of house the night my mother died. I wanted to walk over to it and touch it, to see if I really could pass through. The other Shadows could do it, so why not me as well? No one was paying any attention to me anymore, so who would notice? I was just about to stand and move towards the closest corner, when the lamp on the wall was suddenly lit. We all stopped talking and looked towards the doorway.
"Renji," I whispered, feeling my desire to crawl into the darkness disappear. It must have been him standing in the hallway all this time. The glow of the lamp was hazy and as he stood beside it, it seemed to surround him. A small voice deep inside the now darkened parts of my heart hissed in disappointment. Would this man of light always pull me away from the dark? It seemed that way…he'd already done it many times before.
He was staring back at me, a harsh, set look upon his face. His jaw was clenched, as were his hands. There was sweat on his forehead and his hair looked a bit messy, as if he had been working very hard.
"Any luck?" Urahara asked. Renji shook his head, his eyes still never leaving mine.
"None. Can't find him anywhere. His presence is completely gone." He walked a few steps into the room towards me and then just stood there. I couldn't tell how much time passed during which no one spoke. Emotions chased each other in circles behind Renji's eyes: anger, frustration, relief, exhaustion, fear. He seemed to burn with some kind of emotion I couldn't figure out, and seemed the whole time as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.
"Well, it's about time we got going Ichigo!" Rukia jumped to her feet. She yanked Ichigo up by the shoulder of his shirt.
"Ouch! Let go! I can stand by myself!" Rukia started walking towards the doorway, dragging him behind her. She nodded at the rest of our friends as well.
"Come on guys, let's let Sayuri get some more rest." The others all exchanged a weird look and stood up. Orihime hesitated.
"I haven't cleaned her wounds yet, though," she fretted and chewed on a finger.
"Renji can see to them," Kisuke stood as well and waved to Jinta and Ururu, who was still clinging to me. "Come on Ururu, she's not going anywhere. You can come back and see her later." I tore my eyes away from Renji's and looked down at my little friend. Her eyes were large and wet and afraid. She gripped my arm like she thought I would float away if she let go. My heart swelled with warmth and affection for her, all desires to shake her off nonexistent. I leaned down and placed a small kiss on her forehead, right between her bangs.
"I'll be right here," I assured her. I couldn't bring myself to smile, though, but I guess it was enough. She nodded and stood up, her little hands letting me go ever so slowly. Once they were gone too, Urahara slid the door shut and it was just me and Renji.
He came to sit next to me and picked up the new bowl of water and the clean bandages Orihime had brought in with her. Without speaking, he got to work. With the most gentle and careful touches I had ever felt, Renji took my hands and began to unravel the dirty cloth. He dipped a sponge in the water, and dabbed at the dried blood on my skin. In some places, as it came away I started to bleed again. He dabbed some kind of ointment on these raw spots and then, just as gently, rewrapped my hands in new, stark white bandages. He did this for every other bandaged part of me, until he came to my stomach. His eyes flitted up to mine, and they softened from the hard gaze he had been holding since he entered the room.
The t shirt I was wearing, which I now recognized as one of Rukia's, had been folded up so that my stomach from ribs to waist was exposed. Most of this area was wrapped in a large bandage so I hadn't noticed, but now I blushed as Renji slowly unraveled the cloth. It stuck to me in places, but he gently dapped at it with the wet sponge until it came away. I didn't want to look, so I kept my eyes on his face, which I noticed was now slightly pink. The corner of my mouth twitched in what might have been a smile, but then stopped. Unfortunately, even watching Renji blush with embarrassment couldn't get me to smile.
Once he was completely done, he reached for my face. I flinched out of instinct, and instantly regretted it. Hurt flashed across Renji's face and I opened my mouth to quickly apologize, but he stopped me.
"It's alright," he said, his voice gruff. But was it? What would happen to us now that Renji had heard I killed my mother with my own hands? Hands that he had just painstakingly cleaned and bandaged so as not to cause me any pain. What did he see when he looked at me now? A monster? A killer? A pathetic little girl who couldn't do anything or save anyone? Something stabbed at my heart so painfully I momentarily felt as though I couldn't breathe. When had Renji's opinion of me become so important?
His fingers were trailing across my face, feeling over the bumps, burns, and scrapes there. He dabbed on some of the ointment which burned for a few moments before numbing the pain completely. His thumb lingered over my lips for a split second and he looked as though he was going to say something again, but then the moment passed and he was gathering all the dirty bandages and the now bloody bowl of water and standing. I should say thank you, or something to him, but the words wouldn't come. Instead I watched his back heading towards the doorway. He slid open it open and stopped, looking back at me with that same hardened look he had when he first arrived.
"We're going to find him. I promise." I nodded back. "You should try and rest some more. He can't get to you here." And then he left. For a while I just sat staring at the place he had been. He was wrong. My father could get to me anywhere, I thought as I looked back towards the corner. Even from under the protection of my friends. Even in the light of the lamp on the wall. Because where there is light, there is also shadow.
ooo
The next few days passed by uneventfully. I spent all of my time in my room, not wanting to see or speak to anyone. My wounds healed rather quickly which, Urahara told me, was typical of beings with high spiritual energy.
Ururu always brought me food, which I barely ate. I didn't feel hungry anymore. My friends stopped in every day to see how I was doing, but I couldn't keep up much in the way of conversations. They told me the school had excused me from finishing the year due to the "tragedy I had faced". Not that I cared much; I had always gotten good grades and school was the last thing on my mind these days. Every time anyone left the room, they would look back at me sadly. I knew they were disappointed I seemed so detached, but it was all for their own good.
If there was anything I had learned since Katsu first revealed himself, it was that anyone close to me was in serious danger. Not only was I becoming more and more dangerous the more I resembled my father, but Katsu had already taken away three of the people I cared most about. Who would he target next to get to me? Ururu? Rukia or Orihime? Renji? My heart constricted in pain whenever I thought of my father going after Renji, who would no doubt stupidly try to fight back. Katsu would crush him like a bug; of this I was now perfectly certain. No, it was better for all of them if we stopped being friends. Maybe they would stop coming if I stopped speaking to them? They might get tired of it and go back to their regular lives. Then they'd be safe. Far away from me, and safe.
But this decision was a lot harder to live with than I thought it would be. I had come to love my friends as much as they loved me, and it wasn't easy to act so cold and callous towards them when they were honestly worried about me. I felt terrible, and like I had let them down after they had all done so much for me. But I kept repeating to myself over and over again that I would never let another person die because of me, not matter what pain I had to go through.
I spent a lot of time in the corners of my room, adjusting my eyes and trying to see the veils over the shadows again. When I would finally catch a glimpse, I would press my hand to them. The first few times nothing happened, and I felt incredibly stupid just standing in the corner touching the wall. But after a few more tries, and more effort to focus my spirit energy in the right ways, I was starting to see through the shadows with more ease and eventually my hand pushed through. It felt cool on the other side and more than once I was tempted to let my body follow, but someone would always show up at my door and I would have to pull back.
They were all keeping very close eyes on me now after I had attempted an escape a few days after I woke up. My bandages had finally been taken off and the way I saw it, the longer I was there, the more of a target the shop became. Katsu would no doubt come for me again and when he did, I would make sure I was far away from this place. I don't know what came over me but after Ururu brought me lunch, I just stood up and started to walk out the front of the shop. When Tessai asked where I was going, I told him.
"I'm leaving. I can't stay here." He ran to block the front door and yelled for Urahara. Ururu pulled on my arm, tearfully begging me not to go. Urahara told me I was being stupid, and I wasn't strong enough to go anywhere on my own in case Katsu did come after me. None of them could understand how much this decision hurt me, how painful it was to realize I was the reason they could all die tomorrow and that the only way to save them was to never see them again.
As we all stood there staring at each other in silence, Renji had come back from another fruitless search for the Shadows. After Tessai told him what was going on, he just looked at me. I looked away, knowing that if I met his eyes I would no longer have the strength to leave.
"Go back to your room, Sayuri. You're not leaving, you know that." I ignored him and stayed put. After a few moments, he had clearly had enough and walked to me, throwing me over his shoulder. No matter how hard I pounded on his back and screamed at him to put me down and let me go, his grip didn't falter. He dropped me back on my futon and walked out without saying anything. After this, there was always someone sitting at the end of the hallway and outside of my window. I guess they figured I'd try to climb out as well. They were nothing if not thorough, these friends of mine.
During my containment, I also caught snippets of conversations between the others. Apparently Sho's body had been recovered before Katsu got his hands on it and had been taken to Squad 12 in the Soul Society. The current captain, Mayuri, was conducting experiments and tests on it to better understand the Shadows. Good luck, I thought. If he could figure anything out I'd love to hear it. Other than that, mostly everyone was searching for Mikio and my father who clearly thought this was all one big game. They, and the countless weaker Shadows they controlled, liked to hide in the dark and wait for someone to walk by on a patrol. They'd then lash out and disappear again, repeating over and over that Lord Katsu wouldn't stop until they gave me up. Everyone had gotten scraped or bruised, but nothing bad until about a week after I woke up from the accident.
Ichigo had stumbled into the shop after patrolling the town with blood covering his right side. He had been ambushed down an alley by Mikio himself this time.
"I didn't even sense him coming," he panted, as Ururu and Tessai dabbed at him with sponges and medicine. "He just popped out of the ground with those…," his fingers wiggled in the air as he tried to come up with the right words, "vine tentacle things of his. Took a good chunk out of me before I knew what was going on. I tried to chase him down, but he took off again and I lost him." I listened to his story from the hallway, my back against the wall. Anger welled up inside me at both Mikio and Ichigo. Why didn't he just run? Mikio wasn't as strong as Katsu, but he was a hell of a lot stronger than a Soul Reaper. Ichigo gasped in pain, and I closed my eyes, biting down on my lip to stop from yelling in frustration.
A hand patted my head. Opening my eyes, I saw it was Renji looking down at me.
"He's fine. Just some scratches. Takes more than that to keep Ichigo down. Or any of us for that matter. So don't start thinking this is your fault too." I nodded, but my chest constricted as Renji put to words exactly what I was dreading. That this was my fault. That the Shadows were only attacking my friends to get to me. Ichigo grunted again, and suddenly the hallway felt very small and Renji felt too close and the air felt too thin to breathe. The heat inside me started pulsing as I felt my anger and fear taking hold of me. I pushed past him and ran back to my room, a cold sweat breaking out on my face.
I knew exactly where my father was hiding: in that shade of a world between worlds. The one only the Shadows could pass through. I needed to go. I needed to find him and stop this madness before anyone got seriously hurt. Again. The heat inside me was rising as I kept thinking of different ways to destroy my father and I knew now would be the best time to try and get through the shadows. I walked quickly to the nearest corner and took a deep breath. Closing my eyes, I focused my energy on slipping into the darkness, away from the light. In my mind I pictured my body moving fluidly through the walls, felt the coolness of the world beyond. I took a step forward. My foot felt no resistance, so I stepped forward with the other one. As soon as the color on the insides of my eyelids changed from red to black, I knew I was there.
I opened my eyes slowly and stared in awe. The world around me was just as it normally was, except it was like I was wearing a pair of darkly tinted sunglasses. Around me I could still see the shop but the walls were no longer a hindrance; I could pass my hands right through them. Areas that were not in shadow were bathed in a golden glow, and I knew if I stepped into them I would emerge from this place. But I didn't want to.
It was so quiet here…all the sounds around me were muffled. I walked into the room at the end of the hallway and could see Urahara, Tessai, and Ururu still tending to a bloody Ichigo. Behind me, Renji and Jinta sliding open my door and stepping into my room. Jinta ran to the window and threw it open, calling out to whoever was on guard duty. He must not have gotten the response he wanted, because he pulled himself back inside and slammed it shut. Instead, Jinta started calling my name and running down the hallway to the other rooms. He passed right by me but I stayed still, not sure if he would feel me if I reached out to touch him from this limbo I was in. I watched Renji as he paced the room. He stopped at every corner and reached out to feel along the paneled walls. Finally, he came to the corner I had left from. His face was unreadable.
"Stop it," he called out. "We're not going to find her here." Urahara came into the room and asked what he meant. He and Tessai had joined in the search when they heard Jinta yelling. Renji closed his eyes and sighed. "The shadows," he said quietly and pointed at them. "She's gone through the shadows. It's no use looking for her here. We won't be able to find her if she really wants to stay lost." In that moment, a flash of sadness changed his features, and I felt my resolve to leave shake. I wanted to go to him and assure him I was still there, but far enough away that he couldn't get hurt.
"Stop it!" I shouted at myself, placing my hands over my ears, as if not hearing Renji would make it easier to walk away. "I have to leave. This is my chance. I have to find them and stop this." Turning away, I ran from the shop. Through the walls I flew and out into the night, dodging the areas bathed in light. Once outside it was much easier to move around, as the only real source of light was the moon, and it was covered by clouds at the moment.
I didn't know where I wanted to go, a little overwhelmed by this new sense of freedom. I wasn't sure where to start looking, so I just started walking.
"He'll find me when he wants to anyway," I said aloud. I slowed my pace and looked around. This place was so interesting. Everything around me looked like it existed just behind a thin veil. The surface of it all rippled and flowed, like a curtain on a slight breeze. I walked past homes and stores and couples out walking in the moonlight. I was so absorbed in looking at everything that it took me a moment to realize I had stopped in front of a familiar building. It was my parents' greenhouse.
I felt scared and small as I stood there in front of it. The weight of their deaths and the guilt I felt washed over me and for a moment my knees felt so weak I didn't think I could stay standing. I wanted to go inside, but at the same time I wanted to run away. It would be painful, but I missed them so much. I wanted to be near them. And wasn't this the next best thing? The place where they loved to be the most?
I slowly walked around to the back door of the shop. There was a small lamp that hung from the wall here and I slowly stepped into its light. It felt like emerging from underwater. Everything came into focus again. I could smell the damp earth from inside the greenhouse and my chest ached. As I turned the key and stepped inside it was like stepping back in time.
Nothing had been moved since the last time Emiko and Isamu had been there. It was a decent sized greenhouse that they tended themselves. All manner of flowers, ferns, and other plants spilled over the sides of their plots and planters into the aisles that wound like a maze through the place. It had been cold outside and I suddenly realized I was barefoot in only a t-shirt and pajama pants, but inside it was warm. The heat lamps that lined the ceiling were still on and a hazy mist hung just above all the foliage.
I began to walk through, my hands stretched out to touch the familiar plants. My fingers trailed over green leaves and bright petals damp from dew. I let the thin tendrils of vines slip through my fingers and my steps were muffled from the dirt that was spilled all over the floor. It smelled so much like home I thought my chest would cave in. My eyes burned and I struggled to stop tears from falling. I had to be strong for them…they wouldn't want me to cry for them. But isn't that always what we tell ourselves about the departed? That they don't want us to cry, just so we don't feel weak from the way missing them tears at our insides and tries to break us apart stitch by stitch, each rip more painful than the last.
As I came out at the end of the maze, I found one of the worktables Emiko used to assemble floral arrangements that they sold in the tiny shop attached to the greenhouse. In fact, there was a vase that still stood there only half full of roses. They were wilted now, beginning to blacken at the edges. Dying. Behind it was a calendar pinned to the wall. A small note was scribbled at the end of the month that read "Buy Sayuri's b-day gift!" My birthday was next month, in April. They were already thinking about it. And next to that was a picture of the three of us Emiko had taken at the Ume Blossom Banquet not so long ago. I stood between my parents, their arms around me pulling me close. We were all laughing (well, Isamu was smiling which was close enough for him) and I couldn't help but think how alive they looked from their flushed cheeks to their shining eyes. At the bottom of the photo, Isamu's neat hand had written "Forever Family" followed by the date of the banquet.
It must have been the word forever that did it. That and the dying flowers I'm sure Emiko had taken such care to choose and cut. She'd never get to finish arranging them. And Isamu would never tie the ribbon around the vase and hand it to a happy customer. We'd never be a forever family. They'd never do anything again.
I walked to the table, grabbed the vase, and flung it to the ground as hard as I could. It shattered and pieces of the porcelain vase flew everywhere. Moving without even thinking, eyes blurring with tears, I grabbed a planter filled with small yellow flowers from a nearby table and threw it over my head at the wall where it exploded with a crash. Another planter, another throw, and another crash. Over and over as I moved down the aisles grabbing anything I could reach, pushing bowls and trays onto the floor. My spiritual pressure was fluctuating like crazy as I lost the ability to keep it in check. Dirt and petals and leaves rained down on me from above. I didn't care. It didn't feel good to destroy everything, but I couldn't stand to look at it all anymore. Couldn't stand to think it was all going to die anyway without my parents to care for it.
At some point I had started yelling. I was choking back the tears that threatened to spill over at any moment, fighting to suppress the sobs that clawed at my lungs. I reached down to grab a half shattered pot and it slipped from my hands, slick with wet soil. Red began to drip from my palm as blood fell onto the floor to mix with the petals and roots strewn there. I stopped and stared at it, feeling as though I was a moment away from slipping into complete despair.
"My, my, my. Look at this dreadful mess." Pieces of broken porcelain clinked against one another as someone kicked them across the floor. "You know, as someone who is sort of like the guardian angel of plants and nature…this is rather insulting." The familiar drawling voice sent a shiver up my spine. Closing my fingers over the gash in my hand, I turned around slowly.
Mikio was casually leaning against a table, twisting a feeble vine from a flattened plant around his fingers. His eyebrows rose as he took in my disheveled appearance.
"Princess," he said in a shocked tone, "You've really let yourself go!" I reached over and grabbed a sharp piece of glass from the table beside me. Holding it in my good hand firmly, I shot forward towards Mikio. I tried to thrust the glass into him anywhere I could reach, but he was faster than me. A thick vine shot out from his vest and wrapped around my wrist, lifting me a few inches off the floor. It squeezed slightly and my weapon fell from my hand. Not letting that deter me, I lashed out with my cut hand and both legs, punching and kicking at every inch of him.
"Now, now," he said, trying to grab onto me. "While I love your vicious spirit, gorgeous, I think that's enough." I slapped his hands away feeling more furious than ever, and a few more vines appeared to wrap around my middle, pinning my other arm to my side.
"Get off me!" I screamed, still struggling to get free. "Don't you touch me!" Mikio started to laugh and I stared at him in disgust.
"Oh sweetie, just hear me out." He ran a finger along my chin and I yanked my head away from him as far as it could go. His grin faltered a bit. "Did you ever stop to think I'm not the enemy you should be trying to impale right now? That perhaps I might be of some use to you." He waggled a finger in front of my face and I suppressed the urge to lean forward and bite it.
"Are you crazy!? You work for Katsu! You're the one who made me kill my mother! You are absolutely," I kicked again, "Without a doubt," the other leg this time, "The enemy I am trying to kill right now!" I swung my legs at him pointlessly. Mikio reached out and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look straight at him. He brought his face close but I couldn't move away.
"Not that I don't get pins and needles from the idea of us trying to rip each other apart," he said quietly, his eyes roving disgustingly across my body. "But you and I have a common enemy and we should be combining our energy to destroy him instead of each other." I just stared at him. Was he serious?
"You really are crazy…. Do you think I'd honestly believe a single thing you tell me?" I looked at him incredulously. He couldn't think I was that stupid, could he? Slowly, his vines eased off and I felt my feet touch the ground again. I looked down and watched them retreat back into his vest. Mikio held up his hands and took a step back from me.
"I could kill you right now, but I won't," he pointed out. "Shouldn't that be worth something?" I glared at him, but didn't move. I tried to read what was behind his eyes. Was it trickery, or honesty, or a bit of both…? And what was he saying, that we had a common enemy?
"Who were you talking about? Not my father…," I laughed a bit at the idiocy of this idea, but Mikio's grin didn't fade this time. Instead, his gaze intensified. "You want to help me destroy my father?" Did I just say those words…?
"A bit tough to swallow I know, kitten, especially since I've been on his team for so long." Mikio sauntered over to another table of plants. "And don't get me wrong, it's been quite a thrilling ride." He took a leaf between his fingers and rubbed it tenderly. "But I guess...," he sighed, "I guess I've just gotten tired of being his sidekick." Snap! The leaf and stem broke from a small pink flower ominously. "Do you understand what exactly it is our great king wants?" Mikio spun around to face me.
"To destroy happiness?" I guessed. Mikio laughed.
"Close! He has always been the strongest of the Shadows, quickly putting down all that opposed him. For that reason, many of our kind flocked to him, worshipping him as their leader as most fools do." He began to move to another spot at the table, around to my back. I turned to watch him, keeping him in front of me in case this was just a trap to lower my guard. "Indeed that's why Ren, Sho, and I went to him as well. We all crave protection from stronger beings, don't we? I would say that's why you hang around that red haired barbarian, but we both know you could reduce him to ashes if you truly wanted." I didn't like the way his eyes narrowed when he mentioned Renji, but I let him continue.
"When Lord Katsu discovered he had the ability to absorb the life force from other Shadows, he began demanding it as a sort of sacrifice for his subjects to prove their loyalty. His strength began to grow and grow and soon, he could take energy from humans as well. Reduced them to sad little piles of ash, unfortunately." Although Mikio tried to sound disappointed, his bored expression as he scraped soil from under his nails proved otherwise. "Many Shadows died as well. Shriveled up. Except us three. We were the only ones strong enough to stop him when he tried to feed from us. That is why he made us his inner circle. The strongest of the Shadows."
"I appreciate the history lesson, but seeing as I'm not interested in ever spending time with my old man I could really care less about his ascent to power," I said in disgust. What was Mikio really getting at? He grinned again and wagged a finger at me.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Patience, my beautiful one." I rolled my eyes, and he continued. "Now, while watching him suck the lives out of lesser beings was quite enjoyable for a time, it grew to be very boring. I like a little more action in my daily life, don't you?" He winked at me and I crossed my arms wishing he'd get this over with. "Even after we discovered that by absorbing another Shadows entire life force, Lord Katsu could obtain any special abilities they possessed, I was still not intrigued. None of them had any abilities worth taking besides our inner circle, honestly." At these words I thought of something and interrupted him.
"Why didn't you tell him then?" I asked. "When Ren and Sho died…you were there, both times. You had watched both fights, but you never went and told Katsu so he could come and take their powers before their bodies disappeared. Wouldn't that have helped him?" Mikio plucked a single red rose from a bush growing under one of the tables.
"Ah, my dearest princess. This is where we come to the most important part." He smelled the rose deeply and smiled at me over it. "Perhaps it was because I have seen your father's incessant need to absorb all life around him as nothing more than an addiction similar to those suffered by many humans." I couldn't ignore the malice suddenly lacing his voice. "He craves power and once he gets it, he doesn't do much with it rather than try to absorb even more power. Perhaps I have had enough of sitting by and watching him make a mockery of our kind. We Shadows are capable of so much more. I didn't tell him about Ren and Sho because I do not want him to become the most powerful Shadow alive."
He had slowly been moving closer and closer to me as he spoke and I had begun moving away. I felt my back hit the edge of the table behind me. I was pinned.
"What do you want, then?" I asked, suddenly terrified of the bloodthirsty glint in Mikio's eyes.
"Isn't that obvious? I want to be king. I want to be most powerful. And I want the Princess of the Shadows all for my own," he whispered, holding out the rose for me to take. "Come with me, and I will help you take revenge on Katsu. Help you tear him into a million little pieces if that is what you wanted. I help you, you help me." I stared into his dark brown eyes, muddier than dirt, and completely unreadable. I kept my face stoic and my eyes dull, but I was thinking very fast.
If I agreed to his offer of help, he would probably take me right to Katsu. I could finally have my chance to destroy him without the interference of my friends, without them holding me back. While I detested Mikio for the part he played in the death of my mother, his strength and cunning would no doubt be helpful in my father's demise. And then, if I played my cards right and acted the part, he would keep me at his side. For some reason, Mikio had a sick fascination with me…but that would be his downfall. If I could convince him he had me under his twisted spell, I could get close enough to kill him as well. Then they'd all be gone. But it had to be handled very carefully, the slightest mistake or hint from me that I had another plan would tip of Mikio and he would most likely turn on me. Ignoring the disgust I felt with myself at even considering his deal, I stood up straighter.
"So," I said, taking the rose from him and holding it to my nose. "If I agree to come with you, you'll help me destroy my father? Completely?" I looked up at him from under my eyelashes as I had seen him do countless times before. I hoped this gesture would be somewhat alluring, although I had absolutely no idea how to really accomplish that. He smiled back at me in a sickening way, so I guess it was working. I felt one of his vines touch the bottom of my chin and tip my head upwards towards his.
"Absolutely," he whispered. "So, what do you say, kitten?"
"She says no, you bastard!" The scraping sound of a sword being pulled from its sheath rang out through the greenhouse and a glint of silver off to my left caused push myself away from Mikio. A split second later, Renji's Zabimaru cut through the air where we had been just been standing. "She's not going anywhere with you!" Renji swung his arm around, bringing the blade across one of the tables where Mikio had jumped to. The man flipped over backwards and avoided the sword, but only by a hairs breadth. His vines shot upward and wrapped around one of the heat lamps.
"Choose now, gorgeous!" Mikio shouted swaying slightly in the air. "Me, or this pathetic Soul Reaper." He glared down at Renji. I looked over at him as well. And that was that.
As Renji's eyes swept over to mine, I felt everything shatter around me and I fell to my knees. Mikio screamed in anger and threw himself into the shadows clinging to the farthest corner of the greenhouse as Zabimaru sped towards him again.
I felt so angry with myself. I wasn't going anywhere, who was I kidding? Not anymore…not now that Renji was here. It was strange how the smallest, most insignificant thing about him kicked all of my senses into high gear. What was seconds before a stone hard decision to go with Mikio, had now turned to ash the second Renji spoke. It made me blush with shame that he could affect me so much; that I no longer had the willpower to disobey him if he commanded me to stay. I wanted to scream at him, hit him, and knock him to the ground. I needed to go! I needed to be far from him to keep him safe. When did this man get such a deep hold on me? And why was I completely unable to fight it? Maybe…it was because I didn't want to fight it, that I didn't mind it. Maybe it was because I….
"What were you thinking!?" Renji shouted at me, coming to kneel beside me. "Why did you run off like that!? Everyone's been going crazy looking for you, and then your spiritual pressure just sky rockets out of nowhere! What were you doing!?" I looked down at my hands, covered in dirt and blood. Around me were the shattered remains of a paisley patterned planter. Renji looked around and finally took in the destruction I had caused.
"I'm just tired," I whispered, in a small voice and he looked back at me. "Tired of watching the people I love die. And I'm…scared." It was hard for me to get that word out. A lifetime of learning to hide my fears and insecurities so as not to look weak tried to choke it back. But that life was over now. It died with my mother. "I'm scared of what's coming next." I looked up at Renji beseechingly. "Can't I just go? Give him what he wants so I don't have to go through all of this again? I don't think…I know I won't be strong enough next time." Because I knew who Katsu would come after next. Mikio would run back to him, play the ever faithful servant, and convince Katsu that Renji is the one I care about most. I didn't even want to think of it.
Renji reached out and took my hands in his. They were so much bigger than mine.
"There won't be a next time. I wish you would trust me on that." He leaned forward a bit to catch my eyes. "Please, Sayuri."
I let him pull me to my feet and lead me over to the hose hanging along the greenhouse wall. He turned the knob and held my hands under the cool stream of water, using his thumbs to gently clean off the dirt and dried blood. As he was scrubbing, I found myself telling him something I hadn't mentioned yet.
"I remember you, you know." He looked at me, puzzled. "You carried me out of the fire the first time. Your sword chased off Katsu just as he was about to take me with him. I only just remembered when my memories came back. I never got to tell you…." I trailed off awkwardly, avoiding his eyes. I could feel my face heat up. How do you thank someone you owe your life to? The words seemed so inadequate.
"Hold on," he whispered.
"What?"
"That's what I said to you as I carried you out. You couldn't hear me at that point, I guess. I told you to hold on. 'Don't you dare let go,' I said. 'You're gonna be ok.'" He pulled his white bandana off his head and wrapped it around my cut palm. After he tied it snugly he turned his golden eyes on me. He looked sad and pained, but I'm sure I didn't look much different as I stared back at him. He opened his mouth slightly, and I waited for him to speak. But, after a moment, he pressed his lips back together. Instead he lifted a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers slowly traced the line of my jaw down to my chin, and I suddenly felt like my face was on fire.
Renji reached down and took my wrapped hand in his. We stayed there for a while, in the quiet of the greenhouse, the smell of earth and life all around us. It was probably the last place that was like that in my life. The second we stepped outside, death would close in around us again. But as I squeezed Renji's hand, he squeezed mine back and for the first time I felt a glimmer of hope. It was small and right now only about the size of a candle flame in a large black abyss. But because of Renji it was still there, and I would carry it with me from now on lighting the path before me.