So this chapter...has been quite a long time coming. This was actually the very first chapter i really figured out in my head. this moment with renji and sayuri and it was so hard being patient and waiting til i got here to be able to write it. i'm sorry it took so long but being an adult seriously limits free time to write and do fun things. how come no one tells you that? anywho, i hope you all enjoy one of my favorite chapters so far. i AM finishing this story, no matter how much time it takes between each chapter. so hang in there with me loves!
3 avery
Thanks for the follows/alerts/favorites/reviews: Butterknifeking, blakeho123, Head above the clouds, Heart of Zoro 4000, DoubleN3000, Weirdo102, himitsu shadow, Laradhel
disclaimer: i do not own bleach or any of its characters/locations/etc. i only own this plot line and the OCs.
Chapter 24:
Time passes in strange ways after you suffer a tremendous loss. At times it feels like it is flying by, getting away from you before you even realize what is happening. Otherwise it crawls, extending into what feels like years when only minutes have gone by. In the days since my episode at the greenhouse, I stopped looking at clocks altogether. I spent a lot of time finding little jobs here and there that needed doing around the shop instead like reorganizing the store rooms, cleaning, restocking shelves, running to the store for groceries, doing laundry, anything else that would keep me busy. If my mind was allowed to wander, I was not confident I could keep it away from the events that had taken place. They burned holes inside of me, hotter than any electric bolt or fire I had felt thus far.
That night, Renji had led me all the way back to Urahara's shop. By then my feet were raw and blistered from walking around barefoot and one of my heels was bleeding. I refused to let Renji carry me; the walking helped me sort through all the thoughts swarming around in my head at the moment. Once we walked inside, everyone turned to watch us. Not one of them had left, probably unsure of whether or not Renji would find me. They did not try to talk to us as we passed, for which I was grateful. I gripped Renji's hand a bit tighter, and he squeezed mine back.
At the entrance to the back hallway, Ururu was waiting. She held out her hand towards me, but looked up at Renji.
"She should have a bath," she said quietly, and he nodded. Slowly and, somewhat reluctantly I noticed, he let go of my hand so she could take it. Ururu brought me to the bathroom in the back of the shop and began to fill the tub. As the warm water steamed up the room, I looked at myself in the mirror hanging on the wall.
My face was filthy, as were the nightclothes I was wearing. My t-shirt was torn between my chest and shoulder, probably from when I was flinging shards of broken pottery around. Smears of soil and other dirt were mixed with flecks of blood. My hair was slightly matted and mussed, and dark purple circles under my eyes made me look as if I had not slept in days. Which was partly true.
As Ururu finished setting up, she handed me a towel. Before she left, she reached out and squeezed my arm. I covered her little hand with my dirty one and squeezed back, but she did not seem to mind the grime.
The heat of the water and that reassuring touch from Ururu was enough to bring me out of my stupor. Once I was alone I splashed water on my face and watched it change color as it washed away the dirt from my skin. I picked up a sponge and started to scrub my arms. I went slowly at first, but as I felt the scratchiness I pressed harder, suddenly disgusted with how filthy I was. Harder and harder I scrubbed until my skin was pink and it stung. Moving on, I started scrubbing my other arm, pushing faster and harder until it too was completely raw. The more I washed, the more I realized it was not just the planting soil I was trying to scourge away.
It was the blood of my mother, the soot from the explosions of both my homes, the guilt I felt for involving Emiko and Isamu in my mess, the spider-web like feeling of moving through the shadows, the sweat of practicing with my zanpakutō, the sickening pain that the Soul Society thought I would turn out like my father, the crisp, fried scent that was left behind after I used my lightning, my very existence. I furiously scrubbed it all off. I wanted no part in any of it. I wished, not for the first time, to step out of myself and to give it all away; the skin, the hands, the very DNA that was partly my father's. That connection had brought so much pain and destruction. I wanted to be simply nothing at all.
When I was done, I half expected my whole body to sting, but I actually felt clean for the first time in the days since the explosion. I emerged from the bath feeling much more stable than I had going into it. I even managed to smile at Ururu and hug her as she asked how I was feeling.
"Much better. Thank you," I kissed the top of her head. Renji stuck around long enough to put a clean bandage on my hand and then muttered something about having to check on some things for his captain. I felt so exhausted at that point I did not question him. As I finally lay down to sleep that night, I was worried that I might be plagued with all kinds of nightmares of Mikio and Katsu and all three of my burning parents. But perhaps my mind had taken pity on me, for it was a quiet sleep filled with only a comforting darkness and the feeling of floating. I woke feeling energized and truly awake.
I started getting into a routine at the shop over the next few days. I would work the front with Urahara, clean a bit with Tessai, and run errands with Jinta and Ururu. My friends came and went, telling me all about the end of the term at school and what was going on with everyone.
"Everyone sends their love," Orihime told me one afternoon as she, Rukia and I shared a plate of dumplings Ururu had made for us. I looked at her, raising an eyebrow.
"Everyone?" I teased, thinking of a few kids in our class I had never even spoken to. She grimaced.
"Ok, so not everyone, but you know…."
"The ones that matter," Rukia interjected. "So mainly us." It could have been a joke, but for all her time in the world of the living, Rukia still had not quite figured out how to make those. I laughed at Orihime's annoyed face. Clearly she was trying to make me feel better, but Rukia's clear indifference or ignorance to that made me smile. They were still the same, no matter what had happened. How did they manage that? To not let the scars of battle affect them? It felt good to smile, but sometimes I could hear a voice quietly in my head wondering if I was really feeling better, or just pretending I was. Maybe I was still running away from everything. But was that really such a bad thing? I argued back that even I deserved a break from all the craziness, but the voice never answered. Those moments often left me quiet and disgruntled.
But I wasn't the only one feeling off. Renji's presence in the shop became sporadic as he was suddenly bombarded with these "assignments" from the Soul Society that kept him running all over the place. He would leave in the mornings and not return until late at night. I would often head to my room and turn out the light but wait up, sitting against the wall near my door until I heard someone come in the front of the store. Creeping to the end of the hallway, I would watch him come in and slump to the floor at the table.
Urahara would often still be up and ask him how his job had gone, but Renji usually just shrugged or grunted. Once he returned with a nasty cut on his cheek and when I asked him about it the next day, he shrugged me off as well. Urahara was just as ambiguous with answers as Renji and I began to feel frustrated. And it never made things better that he had stopped speaking to me. When we would meet up in the store or in town, Renji would simply nod and walk past me, as if he were too busy to even actually say hi. The whole thing made me nervous and sort of angry to think about. Had I done something? What was he up to and why was it so important that he was never around?
"Sayuri!" I snapped out of yet another moment of trying to decipher Renji's behavior to feel an empty cloth shopping bag thump the back of my head softly, then flop to the ground. Turning around, I grabbed it and straightened up to see Rukia leaning against the doorframe to the storage room, her arms crossed and an annoyed look on her face. "I've been calling you for like, five minutes. What were you doing?" She walked into the room and peeked around me to see the rows of boxes I was organizing.
I sighed before I answered. "Same thing as always: trying to bring just a little order to this black hole Kisuke calls 'home'." The shelves had been a mess when I stepped inside earlier. Boxes littered the floor and were still in their shipping crates before I had started setting them all up in a neat and easy-to-understand system. I was about to tell her I was thinking about Renji again, but I was sure that by now she was tired of my endless musings about what he was secretly doing. The first time I had brought it up she seemed genuinely interested, but a heated argument between her and Renji had followed and I guess she decided it was not a topic worth approaching again. Nevertheless, that only made the suspicion gnaw at me even more.
"Not bad," she said, stepping back. "Anyway, Urahara wants you to run to the market and grab some stuff for dinner. Since I'm here, I figured I'd tag along. I'm still getting the hang of grocery shopping." Rukia looked off into space, probably picturing her last attempt at food shopping for us. She had gotten into a debate with the market owner over the price of his fish and was actually escorted out of the store. We had had to switch markets after that.
"Sounds good to me. Let's go!" We waved to the others as we left and began walking across town. Rukia started to talk about something that had happened in school earlier that day and I listened for a bit until my thoughts wandered away again. I could not help but feel a twinge of annoyance that Rukia was accompanying me on the shopping trip. Urahara still doesn't trust me I guess, I thought bitterly.
After my escape, everyone seemed wary of my somewhat "normal" behavior. I guess they all expected me to stay depressed and sulky, which is what I really felt like doing, but I knew better than that. I couldn't weigh everyone down with my negative attitude, so I plastered on a smile and tried to act like I was feeling better for their sakes. I did not try to run away again, but Urahara still seemed overly watchful. Even though he let me run errands, one of my friends always seemed to be around to "tag along" or showed up halfway through the trip and would insist on helping me carry things back to the shop. I knew deep down they were all just concerned out of love for me and wanted to make sure I was alright, but it was annoying having them all stick so close.
Today it was a simple shopping list: some milk, eggs, a can of tomato sauce, some bread, and some pasta. We were cooking spaghetti that night; it was Jinta's idea. Once we were done, we bought some drinks from the vending machine right outside the market. It was then that we felt it. A large disturbance rippled through the air around us, unbeknownst to the humans carrying on their shopping. After it passed, a heavy weight seemed to settle on my chest but Rukia shrugged and started humming and walking back the way we had come. Could she not feel it? I hurried to catch up with her.
The walk was uneventful, as they all had been lately. I was the only one not being attacked by Katsu or Mikio when I went out, and anyone with me at the time was left alone as well. I could not figure out why I was being given special treatment, but I was always on the alert anyway. It would be just like my father to lull me into a false sense of calmness before unleashing hell upon me. But this time, I would be ready for him.
The sun was beginning to set as we neared the shop and I could not help but rub my arms through my jacket. The March weather was starting to get a bit warmer but there was still a cold breeze that blew right through you. At first I thought it was the chill of the air that had me growing more and more uncomfortable. But the closer we got to the store, the heavier the air became as well. My breathing was becoming ragged, as if I were struggling for air and the weight on my chest got heavier. Letting my inner senses loose, I tried to feel around for the disturbance.
A dark pressure was emanating from somewhere up ahead. It did not feel quite like Katsu or Mikio, but it was not far off. I stopped walking about a block away from the store. Rukia, having not noticed, was ahead of me and suddenly jerked to a stop when she saw I was not there.
"What's up?" she called back to me, turning around. I rubbed my arms again and looked around nervously. I did not want to mention it out of fear I would get put on lockdown, but the feeling was really starting to bother me.
"You can't feel that?" I glanced up at her. Her face changed from mild confusion to worry in seconds. "Ever since that moment at the market I've been feeling something weird." She walked over to me and put a hand lightly on my shoulder.
"Is it Katsu?" her voice was hard and edged with a dangerous tone I had only heard her use on a few occasions. I shook my head and she looked relieved.
"Not really," I said, searching for the right words to explain. "It doesn't feel like it's him…it feels more like Mikio." Rukia's face grew serious again. "But it's not actually him!" I waved my arms, sure she was about to take off and try to find the tree man. She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes at me.
"I don't get it. Is it him or isn't it?" I sighed.
"It's hard to explain. It feels like his…," I searched for the word, "reiatsu, or whatever. But I don't think it's his physical presence. Whatever it is, it's seriously clouding up the air." I hugged myself tightly, still able to feel the creepy crawly dark vibes all around me. It was getting dark now and the streetlights around us sputtered on one by one. Rukia turned back to look at the shop, then back to me.
"You really feel something wrong?" she asked, her face tight and calculating. I nodded, 100% sure of my intuition. "Alright, hang on." She dug in her purse and pulled out a little purple pill. She swallowed it and there was a popping noise as her soul separated from the gigai she wore in the world of the living. The first time I had seen this happen I almost freaked out. When I change from soul reaper to…whatever not-so-human I am, my energy simply changes a bit as do my clothes. The rest of the soul reapers I know all had to ingest the little pills called mod-souls that separated them from their earthly bodies.
"Ready to go master, hop hop!" Rukia's mod-soul smiled widely and saluted us. "Just tell Chappy what you'd like her to do, hop!" Rukia patted her mod-soul on the head like it was a puppy, even though it looked like she was patting her reflection.
"Just stay nearby in case I need you, but stay out of trouble." Chappy nodded, saluted again, and then skipped away around the block. I watched her go until I heard Rukia slide her zanpakutō out of its sheath. "Stay behind me, but close," she said as she started to move towards the opening in the store's wall. A part of me reminded myself that I was perfectly capable of changing as well so that I could assist with whatever fighting was clearly about to go down, but the louder part of me argued that I was feeling too scared to do anything but slowly shuffle along behind Rukia.
The lot was dark as usual, the soft glow from the street lamps not quite reaching it. Nothing was moving, but we stopped and looked around as best we could in the growing darkness just to be safe. Rukia was big on "being safe" these days. She moved off towards the side of the shop to check the shadows there and I made my way carefully closer to the front door, all the while my pounding heartbeat echoing in my ears. My foot suddenly landed in a puddle of…something and I froze, my body sensing what it was before my brain did. There was a revolting squelching sound as I lifted my foot, and thick gobbery strands stretched from the sole of my sneaker to the ground.
"Rukia," I breathed, my voice no higher than a strained whisper. She turned back to me and her eyes were drawn to the puddle at my feet. She knew what it was too, and in the glow of passing headlights the deep red confirmed our fears.
"Whose is it?" Rukia muttered to herself, turning away and heading back towards the shop. She stopped in the doorway and as I was scuffing the bottom of my shoe on the gravel I saw her stoop to pick something up off the floor. Stepping inside, I avoided another pool of blood before I took my shoes off. I fought the urge to call out for the others, still unsure if it was safe or if the negative energy that seemed to have gotten stronger inside was still at work. It enveloped us and I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs, like a frightened bird frantic to escape its cage.
Rukia was turning a piece of the black fabric over and over in her hands, trying to figure out what it was. She gripped a longer strip and the rest fell open to the floor.
"It's a shihakushō," I said, my voice almost booming in the silence of the shop front. The garment was torn almost completely to shreds, threads of fabric being the only lifeline holding it together still. I reached for a piece of it then yanked my hand back and I felt it close on something warm and sticky. Blood covered my palm and I suddenly felt woozy. This was not just Hollow's blood, or the blood of my enemies. There were only three people I knew who wore shihakushōs: Rukia, Ichigo, and…. No. No I would not go there. I couldn't.
It felt like an iron vice had suddenly closed around my insides as my breathing became labored. I grabbed what I thought had to be a sleeve. Turning it over in my hands, my heartbeat growing louder by the second, I finally found what I was looking for. A hardened stain of paint. Yellow paint. Summer Dandelion to be exact.
All at once the pounding in my ears ceased and I felt like air had stopped passing through my lungs. Rukia took off through the store and round the corner into the back hallway, leaping over more pools and splashes of blood. I wanted to move, but my body suddenly felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. I was gripping the shihakushō so tightly, blood actually started dripping from it onto the floor. I was not sure how long I stayed like that, a few seconds or a few minutes, but shadows began to move along the walls in the back hallway.
My legs worked of their own accord, and I found myself headed towards the action. It was like a part of me kicked into gear while my brain was shut down, still trying to deny the proof right in front of me. He's fine. It's not his blood. He's alright. You're alright. Keep breathing. All sorts of ridiculous thoughts flashed through my mind, but the noises around me were muffled as if I was very far away. It was taking ages to get to the hallway, and then make my way along the wall to the farthest room where everything seemed to be going on. It felt almost like one of those dreams when you're wading through water, trying to run from or toward something and no matter how hard you push and struggle you cannot seem to get anywhere.
I wanted to get to that room, but I also wanted to take off running in the other direction.
"No," I told myself, stopping a few doors down. "He's never run away when you needed him. Time to pay it back." I felt slightly nauseous as I came to the door. I braced myself, and then stepped around the corner.
Instantly it felt as if someone turned the sound back on, louder than it should have been. Voices rushed into my ears and everyone was shouting and moving very quickly. The air felt hot and close, and the coppery stench of blood hit me like a brick wall. The negative energy with traces of Mikio was completely filling the room. I held onto the door for support because my knees had gone weak when I saw what was causing all of the chaos.
Renji was lying on a table on top of some old sheets, his body stripped down to the waist. His white robes that went on underneath a shihakushō were stained different shades of red. His torso, arms, and pretty much any inch of his skin I could see were covered in bruises, gashes, and dried blood. The side of his face was caked in blood and some still dripped from a nasty slash across his forehead. Orihime hovered over him, her healing shield pulsing and shining brightly as she fought to slow the bleeding. Tessai and Urahara were quickly trying to wash off the blood to find where it was all coming from. Ichigo was sitting by Jinta, his hand placed protectively on the boy's head as Jinta's eyes were wide with fear and his mouth agape. Ururu ran past me with a clean bowl of water.
Rukia's face was unreadable as she stood over Renji's unmoving body. She looked up at me and as our eyes locked, I was certain of the worst. He was dead, I was sure of it. Cut up and bled out until none of him was left. My stomach lurched and I ran for the bathroom. Everything felt like it was crashing down around me. I had thought I would never feel this way again, not after Emiko and Isamu, but this…this was a million times worse. My body felt like it was coming apart with each retch into the toilet and nothing else seemed to matter. Not my father trying to seduce me to his side or kill me (I was not sure which anymore), or the others, or anything. Renji was gone and it felt like the biggest blow thus far.
When my stomach was done turning itself over and over, I crawled to the sink and managed to sip some water from the tap to rinse out my mouth. Sitting back against the wall I wiped my face tiredly when Rukia appeared at the door.
"He's alive." Her voice sounded so far away, the rest of the world around her throbbing from the headache now cleaving my head in half. I stared at her dumbly, not hearing what she was saying. She knelt down in front of me and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me roughly. "Did you hear me? Renji is alive, Sayuri." Every word she said was slow and enunciated to make sure I heard, but I still did not understand. How could he be, all slashed up like that? He's practically bled out by now…there was no way, I thought.
Footsteps suddenly began pounding down the hallway, and several figures all in black flashed by the open bathroom door. We both got up and followed them to the back room. Whoever they were, Kisuke obviously knew them. He was speaking to one of them as the rest got to work. They congratulated Orihime on her progress so far and rolled up the sleeves of their black shihakushōs. Each had a pack slung over their shoulders and as they opened them, I realized they must be some kind of Soul Reaper first aid squad.
I looked over to Rukia and saw a flood of relief over her face.
"It's Squad 4," she said, her voice sounding a bit stronger. "They're responsible for all the medical needs of the Soul Reapers. But, who…?" She trailed off, and as Ururu ran past us with yet another bowl of water, we heard her squeak an answer.
"As soon as Mr. Kisuke got him inside, he sent a message to Squad 4 requesting immediate action for the Lieutenant." I watched her run off again. Surely medical relief would not have been dispatched if they though Renji was too far gone…. Which meant, there might still be a chance.
"And along with them, the head captain requested that I come as well." A familiar voice explained from behind us. As we turned, Rukia instantly bowed but I felt my back remain rigid. Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya stood before us in his white robe and just the sight of him all clean and unbroken made me almost furious. I had not forgotten our last encounter when he had warned me that the Soul Society was keeping me under surveillance in case I turned out to be violent. While I had no done that directly, I couldn't fight the uncomfortable squirming in my stomach that reminded me just how many people had still gotten hurt because of me. He must have been thinking that as well, or maybe he was remembering that I called him an ass the last time we met, because the look he fixed me with was less than friendly.
"It seems that Lieutenant Abarai was injured during an altercation with one of the Shadows earlier today," he looked straight at me, wanting me to hear every word. "After their battle, Abarai was able to somehow make his way back here where he collapsed outside. Kisuke Urahara carried him in here and then contacted us. He is alive, but only barely. With the proper care we are sure he will pull through, but it might take some time. You should wait outside."
"Yes sir," Rukia answered obediently as she took my arm and pulled me into a room across the hall.
"Wait!" I yanked my arm away and turned back to the captain. He was standing still in the doorway, his back to me, but I knew he was listening. "What happened to the Shadow he was fighting? Who was it?" It was a few moments before Hitsugaya answered.
"It wasn't your father." A chill settled over my body. So it was Mikio then. That explained why his spirit energy clung to Renji. "The Shadow is dead. But we were not able to retrieve the body before Katsu did. We don't know what's become of either of them now." He walked away towards the medics and I let Rukia pull me away. She sat me next to the window and told me not to move, but I was not going to anyway. My brain was trying to sort through all of the information.
Mikio was dead. His face swam before my eyes, his sly disgusting grin and his roaming eyes just as vivid as if he stood before me. Renji had killed him. At that thought, a surge of pride and gratitude rose in me. The tree man had frightened me on a whole other level than my father. He was cunning and seductive, and his glances made me feel as if he could see right through me. But he was gone now! He was dead! He was…with my father.
There could only be one reason Katsu took Mikio's body, and that would be to try and absorb the last bit of life he held onto. By doing that, Katsu would gain Mikio's power over the element of earth. Would he sprout vines and roots from his body like Mikio? I shuddered at the thought of Katsu having more power than he already did. Pushing thoughts of him away, I found myself thinking of Renji fighting the tree man.
Is that was he had been doing lately? Why he had been disappearing for long periods of time to who knows where? Was he actively seeking the Shadows out? I shook my head, thinking that not even Renji would be that reckless. Would he?
The answer was suddenly so clear. Yes. Of course he was. For some reason Mikio annoyed Renji even more than Katsu seemed to, but he hated them both. I could absolutely see him out there, trying to be all macho and hunting them down. And I was grateful that he had only met an underling and not the King of Shadows himself. Look at the damage that had been done.
For a while I sat in silence, thinking on all of this. The others arrived, whether they had been called and told what had happened or had just walked in on the chaos I didn't know. Everyone gave me space and did not bother me, which I appreciated. I wanted to be alone. The night became darker and thunder started to rumble nearby. Raindrops had started to patter against the window panes when Urahara stuck his head in our room and announced that Renji was awake. Everyone rushed out the door and I followed quietly at the back.
The Soul Reapers of Squad 4 all stood back, washing their hands and rinsing off pieces of cloth and bandages. The dark energy seemed to have been purged from the room and my friends stood around Renji who was now sitting up and rotating an arm around in circles. He had been changed and was now wearing a pair of gray sweatpants. His chest was wrapped in bandages, as were most of his arms, neck, hands, and forehead. He was smiling and some others were laughing. He must have said something funny. As I stepped into the room, Chad and Jinta moved aside to let me through, but I did not want to get any closer. Anger flared up inside me as I saw Renji sitting there, laughing.
How could he be so stupid? He knew how dangerous the Shadows were, so how could he go out and actively look to fight them? What did he think he was doing? Ichigo nudged him and nodded his head towards me, and Renji looked up. His golden eyes softened at the corners as they always did when they looked at me, and I was suddenly so furious with him.
"You should see the other guy," he laughed and others laughed with him. My blood boiled as he sat there looking all proud of himself. Everyone began to talk and it started to become so loud in that small room. What was he so proud of? Why was he smiling at me? Why was it so goddamn hot!?
Before I knew what was happening, I saw the lightning slip from my hand and shoot across the room. It missed Renji's head by mere centimeters and left a scorched black mark on the wall.
"Woah, he was just joking around," one of the medics mumbled and others agreed with him. But he was wrong. They all were. Renji was as serious now as he must have been when he fought Mikio. A stupid serious idiot, who was the only one not laughing at my "overreaction". His eyes were confused and concerned, which wasn't fair because he was the one who had been injured. I should be concerned for him, but there I was making him worry over me. Again. A new urge rose in me, one I had not felt in years, not since I was a little girl. My throat was constricted and I tried not to blink. But as Renji stood up, I finally lost the battle.
A tear rolled down my cheek and a small sob actually escaped my lips. I slapped a hand over my mouth and my eyes widened in shock, as did Renji's. He knew it too: I did not cry. As he stepped towards me, I stumbled back. I couldn't stay in that hot stuffy room that smelled like Renji's blood. I spun around and ran out.
"Sayuri, wait!" I ran faster, tearing down the hallway, smashing into the wall because I slipped on the blood all over the floors, throwing aside the front door and not even stopping to put on my shoes. Outside, I was instantly drenched by the rain now steadily falling. I could have used my flash step to get far away, but a part of me recoiled from using any of my powers at all. I never felt the need to be more normal than I did in that moment, to get away from all of everything I was. So I just ran.
I was not sure where I was headed, but my feet kept moving. Even when I stepped on rocks and broken glass and all kinds of things that sent shockwaves of pain up my legs I kept going. Eventually I began to recognize some of the buildings around me and as I turned a corner I knew exactly what street I was on. I had not been there for a while. Funny how I had come here almost by instinct. I sped past the stupid little houses with their stupid little gardens and gates and windows spilling warm pools of light out onto the road. I kept running until I found the police tape.
It encircled the whole lot, but I ducked under it without even bothering to make sure no one was watching. I didn't care anymore. Panting heavily, I walked through the rubble, stirring up the soot now turning pasty black from the rain. The yard was patchy, overgrown in spots where grass and flowers now seemed to dance as they were pelted with water, and blackened in others where the explosion had scorched away any form of life. The ground began to incline as I reached the small hill at the back of my old yard. In the brief flashes of lighting, I could see huge black scorches up the sides of the bark. As I reached the tree I rested my forehead against it, feeling the warmth of its scars. Just like mine, I thought, unconsciously running my hands over my own stripes that were always a few degrees warmer than the rest of my body.
I sank to my knees and covered my face with my hands. My heart felt so heavy I was shocked it wasn't broken yet. Renji had been almost torn to pieces because of me. The guilt I felt was so overwhelming. Unable to contain it any longer, I let out a scream that came from somewhere so deep inside me it frightened me with how sad and pained it sounded. Along with it was released a wave of spirit energy. Who cared if Katsu found me all alone? I had had enough.
The wind picked up and began to howl around me, but I couldn't move. It felt so wrong for me to be here, in this place where my parents died for me. For doing nothing other than loving me and taking me in and giving me a home. And I had no right to be friends with Renji, or any of them. I had always been dangerous, I just never wanted to admit it. A part of me had known Katsu would go after my friends, but another part had hoped that maybe he wouldn't and I was just being paranoid. How stupid I had been. He had blown up his own wife and was ready to kill his only child, what would he care for the lives of some people he did not even know?
The wind howled louder and I picked my head up. There was a voice on the wind, shouting, growing louder and louder. A shape suddenly staggered out of the gray and black behind me.
"Renji…," I whispered, but the wind carried away my voice.
"Sayuri," Renji panted, speaking loudly over the howling. I stood up slowly and was about to take a step away from him when he grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face him. He was breathing heavily and wincing; he must have been chasing after me but, like me, was ill equipped for a run in the rain. He still wore his gray sweatpants, but he had put on a sweatshirt that he forgotten to zip. There were dark stains on the bandages wrapped around his chest and stomach and another wave of guilt hit me hard. He had pushed himself again for me and reopened his wounds everyone had worked so hard to heal. His feet were bare like mine and bleeding, and his hair was loose under the hood of his sweatshirt. The rain had plastered it to him and I stared, never having noticed just how long it was.
I tried to pull away but he held my shoulders tighter. I began to push at him, hitting him with my fists, trying to get him away from me. Why wasn't he angry? Why wasn't he yelling and reprimanding me like he always did? Why was he still so close to me? As I hit him, he grabbed onto my wrists instead and tried to hold me still.
"Stop it!" he shouted.
"You are so goddamn stupid!" I screamed back. His hold on my wrists loosened and I broke free only to begin punching the unbandaged parts of his chest. "Why did you have to go and fight him!? Now you're all beat up and hurt and…and…," I hit him particularly hard and he stumbled back a bit. "Why couldn't you just leave it alone!?"
"Because I couldn't!" His grip tightened over my wrists again and I struggled against him.
"WHY!?" Suddenly he pulled me to him, holding me and pinning my arms to my sides. His arms wrapped around me and I was staring at his chest. I went still. "Tell me why…," I whispered, defeated. There was a moment of silence where I could feel Renji's heart pounding furiously in his chest. It beat against my forehead and I felt my anger subsiding with each thump.
"I couldn't let it go on any longer," he said, his voice lowering. I squirmed, trying to look up at him, but Renji refused to release me. "He was helping Katsu guerilla attack us all, but he seemed especially focused on me. I would run into him the most. He would…taunt me. About you." I froze. Renji continued, "He'd say…disgusting things. About you or what he was going to do to you once they captured you." He hugged me tighter, burying his face in my hair which was now plastered to my face and shoulders just like his. I could feel his anger and despair coursing through him. It made me want to hold him back, to let him know I was alright, but I still couldn't move my arms. "He knew how much it bothered me. It was so much worse than anything he's ever said to your face before. And I just…I just lost it. I sought him out and challenged him and I just couldn't control myself anymore. I didn't even feel myself getting hurt. It was like all I saw was red and all I could hear was your voice and I couldn't bear to even think of what would happen to you if I lost to him so, that defeating him became my goal. No matter what happened to me."
I pushed him away as hard as I could and he stepped back, releasing me. I looked at the ground, unable to meet his eyes. This man who risked his life for me deserved more than the little I had to offer in return.
"It's a waste of time, protecting me." He was silent. "Everyone is getting hurt. It's not worth it for so many people to sacrifice for just one life. I could be evil, like him." Tears were welling up in my eyes again, but this time I couldn't stop them. The load was just too heavy now and I collapsed under its weight as I finally admitted what had been eating away at me for so long. "He's in me. My blood, it's a part of him. I could wind up just like him, no one knows for sure. I've…I've taken power from someone before just like he does. I inherited that from him too." I felt sick to my stomach speaking the words aloud. I had kept that ability secret since my fight with Sho and finally telling Renji made me so ashamed I wanted to be anywhere but in front of him. "Everyone's always protecting me and I'm sick of it! I'm…not worth saving," I whispered, but Renji growled and pushed me back against the tree.
He punched both fists into the bark on either side of me so hard I felt the whole tree shake against my spine.
"Damnit! You just don't get it do you!?" I looked up at him now, unsure what to say. He was glaring at me, and I suddenly thought that maybe I didn't want him to get mad at me after all. "Of course you're worth it! What a stupid thing to say! Even if you were able to absorb powers like him, you didn't keep it did you? No! You sent it back, which Katsu never does!" He punched the tree again and I winced and turned away at the force of it. With his other hand, he grabbed my face and turned it back to his. I was forced to stare into his intense golden eyes that were glowing with a fire I had never seen in them before.
"You're being so damn selfish, you know that!?" He yelled, still trying to be heard over the rain. "Everyone risks their lives every day for you and you just want to quit? We're not doing this so that you can cower behind us! We're doing it so you can get strong again and fight with us! All our work would be worth nothing if you just gave up." I tried to pull my head out of his grasp but he would not let me. This was something he was not going to let me run from. "We all agreed to this when it started," he continued, "We knew the dangers and the possibilities that we might get hurt but those are sacrifices you make for your friends. For your family. For the people you-" He stopped himself, his cheeks turning the slightest shade of pink in the darkness. "For the people you care about."
I couldn't tell if the water running down my face was rain or tears anymore. But it was hot and stung my cheeks as Renji's eyes burned into mine.
"I just can't lose anyone else," I choked, begging myself to stop before I started crying. But I couldn't stop the words that tumbled out next. "I can't lose you too." Hoping the wind had carried my words away before Renji heard them, I closed my eyes tight. But a catch in his breath told me he had heard loud and clear. Leaning forward, he rested his forehead against mine and his hands dropped to my shoulders.
"We won't let the Shadows win. You think you're the only person afraid to lose someone?" The walls I had so carefully constructed so long ago began to crumble, brick after brick, with every word Renji spoke. My throat burned, my cheeks were hot, and the tears I knew were real would just not stop. "It's ok to rely on us, you know. To lean on us when the load gets too heavy to bear." He cupped my face in his large hands and his breath was hot against my skin. "I've carried you out of a burning house twice now and I'd do it as many more times as I had to to keep you alive. You don't have to do this all alone. It's ok." And I broke.
I flung my arms around him, slamming my face into his chest as I began to really cry for the first time in a long, long time. I had not cried when any of my parents had died, wanting to be strong for them. But now, I felt so broken and so happy and so tired and so raw that I just couldn't fight it. And Renji was just so solid and alive and he did not care that he was soaking wet and he did not care that I was a complete mess and a pain in the ass. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his cheek to the top of my head. My body shook with each sob and he held me tighter. In all the noise I almost missed what Renji whispered, but it sent warm chills through me that had nothing to do with the rain.
"I won't ever let anyone else have you."