Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! *brb, sobbing*

"In a crazy, crazy world like this it's easy to feel all alone, it's easy to fear the unknown."

~In a Crazy World Like This, Pat Benatar

Chapter 14

Seto tossed and turned all night, his weakened mental defenses leaving him vulnerable to dreams featuring his step-father. In this particular sequence of dreams, Gozaburo himself hardly ever appeared, it was merely his aura permeating Seto's subconscious. But even that was enough to be disturbing.

When he awoke he couldn't quite shake the feelings of distress his dreams had left him with. In most of them he'd been running through the house, trying to escape from Gozaburo who he knew was right behind him; he could hear his laughter.

Deeply unsettled, Seto got out of bed and peeled off his sweat-soaked pajamas, tossing them in the hamper by the door before stepping into the bathroom to shower.

Once under the steaming water, Seto pressed his forehead against the tiled wall, already mentally worn out. Inexplicably, Alistair's face popped into his mind and his voice rang in his ears: "I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

Well I'm not, Seto thought to himself. I'm not ok. I'm anything but ok. He unconsciously ran his fingertips over the several raised scars on his wrist. While the older wounds were barely noticeable, the newest cut was still scabbed over.

Why don't you let people see the good in you? He'd had the distinct impression that his answer had not rung true to Alistair, in which case he would have been right. The deeper reason why Seto was very careful to be unlikeable was to keep other people at bay, people that would end up using him and leaving him, people that could hurt him. The only person he really trusted was Mokuba, and even that trust was starting to waver as he knew that Mokuba too would soon leave him.

Why don't I deserve to be happy? Everyone else gets what they want, why can't I? Then again: what is it that I want?

For the rest of his shower Seto pondered that question. Before his first duel with Yugi he'd thought that all he wanted out of life was power, then he'd become obsessed with ridding his mind of the poison that Gozaburo had riddled it with by throwing Battle City with the intent of destroying the last remaining piece of his step-father's weapons manufacturing empire as the coup de gras, but Yugi had robbed him of that victory and after Battle City he'd become lost. Technically, he'd faced the demon his step-father had become in the cyber world, but somehow that hadn't been enough; he still didn't feel like he'd shaken the man.

He'd hoped that opening Kaiba Land would make him feel something, after all: the theme park had been a childhood dream of his, but once the park was finished and he'd momentarily felt proud: nothing. There was still something that he was missing. He had money, more of it than he could ever hope to need, he had power, though that was no longer something he saw as worthy of chasing, he was both feared and respected, he had achieved more in just a few short years than most people achieved in their entire lifetime, but he wasn't happy.

As he got dressed fifteen minutes later, he contemplated, however unwillingly, the possibility that perhaps Yugi and Co. had a point about friendship, but the thought of having to be constantly surrounded by the likes of Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, and Tea Gardner was so revolting that he hastily retracted the possibility. People did nothing but wear him out, and he couldn't imagine ever choosing to be around them when he could be on his own. Mokuba again, was the exception, although even he could be exhausting sometimes, and they weren't very similar beyond a shared interest in gaming.

If you keep pushing people away you'll regret it. Alistair was wrong. Well, not wrong, but naïve. Seto didn't know how to do anything but push people away; something Alistair hadn't taken into account. For most of his life he hadn't even considered there being an alternative, but now that he was taking the possibility into account, he wondered both how to go about it, and also whether it would be worth it. Getting close to someone would most likely end badly, but if he couldn't even envision life after Mokuba anyway he didn't have much to lose.

That day after arriving at work, he sized up everyone he passed, searching for anyone potentially interesting. They all just looked like people to him, nothing special. He thought briefly about his secretary, Valarie, but immediately realized why getting involved with her in any capacity would be a bad idea: she was damn good at her job which was more than could be said of most of his other employees so he couldn't risk losing her.

Well, there. I tried, he thought as he sat down at his desk to read the newest files Roland had lain out for him, choosing to ignore the most obvious candidate for a friend.

Alistair spent the day at Darren's, hoping that he might be able to shed some light on his predicament. He lay on the sagging blue velvety couch in Darren and Britney's apartment while Darren lit up a cigarette and commenced to smoke. After several drags, he addressed the redheaded young man on his sofa.

"So what you're saying is that you're in love with the guy you don't even like?" he clarified after having listened to Alistair's stilted explanation.

"Of course not!" Alistair snapped quickly. "I'm not in love with him or anything crazy like that, I just sort of feel…dunno…like maybe he's not really that bad. Like I misunderstood him…"

"And I don't suppose any of these newfound revelations find their roots in the fact that you think he's hot, do they?" Alistair rolled his eyes.

"I'm not that shallow."

"Forgive me for being presumptuous. How could anyone who hooked up with you the first time they met you possibly be so delusional as to call you shallow?"

"Shut up. I wanted your advice, not your insults." Darren shrugged and put what was left of the cigarette out on an ashtray shaped like Kuriboh.

"Take it or leave it kid."

"Who are you calling a kid? You're only a couple of years older than me!" Darren laughed.

"The way you're carrying on about this mystery guy, you sound like a kid. Like me back in high school pining after all the douchebag bad boys."

"I'm not pining after him!"

"Bull. You just spent the last little bit making excuses for this guy treating you like crap. It sounds like you saved his life for Chrissake; you'd think he'd at least be grateful."

"He said thank you."

"There you go again defending him. He throws you one little bone and you snap it up. You do, you've got it bad."

"Got it bad?" Alistair said questioningly. "Never mind. He wasn't throwing me a bone, I think he's actually changed a bit since I first met him, or maybe he was always like that and I just didn't notice, I don't know. The point is that I can't get him out of my head and I'm starting not to care."

"That's what we young folk call a crush my friend. An irrational, unrequited crush. I feel for you, truly. But there's nothing you can do about it really except ride it out. You said yourself that you'll only be living together for a couple more weeks, right?" Alistair nodded glumly. "Then don't worry about it. Once you're out of there you'll be able to get over him."

"I don't think you get it: I won't be able to escape him just by moving. He's sort of…prevalent around here you know?"

"Prevalent is kind of a weird word to use about a person. So no, I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"I just mean that he's not the kind of person you can forget about if you live around here. In Domino I mean. Well, anywhere really."

"Wait, wait, hold up." Darren sat up, fully alert. "You're saying that this guy you're talking about is someone famous?" Alistair, realizing he'd said too much, tried to backtrack.

"That's not really important, I just—."

"Bullshit that's not important. Who is it? I always wondered why you never said what his name was."

"I can't tell you."

"Did he make you swear under legal oath?"

"Well, no, but I don't feel like I should…"

"Oh, dude, now you have to tell me!" Alistair nervously started cracking his knuckles, wishing he hadn't alluded to Kaiba's fame. If he told Darren now after having told him about Kaiba cutting himself and all sorts of other personal stuff, he'd feel like he was betraying Kaiba's trust even if he hadn't expressly told Alistair not to tell anyone.

"No, I can't. Not after everything I've told you about him."

"If you won't tell me I'll have to guess."

"Go ahead, I'm still not telling you."

"Fair enough; I bet you I'll still be able to tell if I'm right. Hmm…someone famous…Is he an actor?"

"I told you that I'm not going to tell you."

"Ok, not an actor then. A singer?" He looked into Alistair's face.

"No."

"Ok…hmm…a model?"

"No."

"A duelist?"

"No."

"Liar!" Darren said triumphantly. "It's written all over your face! Who?"

"He's not a duelist," Alistair denied weakly, sitting up.

"Yeah, right. A duelist…Not Yugi?"

"Darren, I'm not telling you one way or the other. Matter of fact, I'm leaving."

"Not Yugi…Kaiba?" The guess was a total shot in the dark, but as soon as the name left his mouth the look on Alistair's face told him all he needed to know even when Alistair denied it.

"No," Alistair said, retrieving his jacket from the hook by the door and preparing to leave. "And I've had enough of this game. Bye Darren."

"Wait, don't think you're getting away without spilling!" With unexpected agility, Darren leapt across the apartment and blocked the door.

"Darren, don't make me take you out," Alistair warned him.

"You've been screwing around with Seto Kaiba? The Seto Kaiba? CEO of Kaiba Corp and Duel Monsters champion Seto Kaiba?"

"No!"

"You have! Holy shit!"

"You cannot tell anyone," Alistair said, conceding defeat and putting his coat back on the hook.

"I won't, I swear," Darren promised. "If you sit down and tell me absolutely everything."

"I've told you practically everything already," Alistair protested, nonetheless allowing himself to be steered back to the couch.

A half an hour later Darren let up on the interrogation.

"I swear: if I hadn't seen the look on your face I wouldn't believe you. Seto Kaiba; who'dve thought? And you're living with him. You have got to be about the luckiest sonofabitch I have ever met."

"It's not like I'm taking advantage of him," Alistair sniffed, choosing to leave out the part about Kaiba getting him his license.

"Why the hell not? If it were me I'd be going on shopping sprees and lounging around eating caviar and drinking red wine spritzers."

"That's terrible. I'd never do something like that."

"I know. You're a way better person than I am, obviously." Darren shrugged and ran a hand through his dark hair, then started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I can't; you'd never tell me."

"What?" Alistair pressed naively.

"Is the Kaiba Corp skyscraper a way to overcompensate?" Alistair stared at him blankly.

"For what?"

"Oh, never mind, you guys never did it, did you? So you wouldn't know anyway…Or do you?"

"I never saw his dick if that's what you're wondering." Alistair felt his face growing hot at the very thought. Darren looked disappointed.

"I still can't believe that you've been hooking up with Seto Kaiba of all people. You're a lucky bastard, you realize that? Do you have any idea how many people wish they could be in your shoes right now, myself included?"

"Because he's rich?"

"And because he's hot. You're good-looking, don't get me wrong, but Seto Kaiba, arrogant prick that he is, is on that next level."

"You sound like a teenage girl," Alistair commented dryly.

"Sorry, it's not every day that a friend of mine reveals that he's been living with Seto Kaiba, I'm not sure what the proper etiquette for that is yet."

"Oh shut up."

"Hey wait a minute; so that means that Kaiba was the one who…" He mimed cutting his own wrist. "What does he have to be depressed about?"

"Just because he has a lot of money doesn't mean he's happy." As soon as he said it, he realized just how much his attitude towards Kaiba had changed. Back at the beginning, he'd more or less said the same thing.

"Look at you defending your boyfriend." Darren reached out and ruffled Alistair's hair fondly. Alistair swatted his hand away, still put off by people touching him unnecessarily.

"Just…seriously Darren, don't tell anyone," Alistair pleaded.

"Not even Britney?"

"No one." Darren could tell by the seriousness in his friend's voice that he meant it, and resolved to do his best to keep the secret. Personally he didn't care for closet cases, but he also knew that Seto Kaiba was running with a very conservative crowd who might revoke their financial support if they knew. He was by no means a fan of capitalism or even necessarily of all of Kaiba Corp's practices, but wasn't about to purposefully out the CEO.

"I really should get going," Alistair said, bringing Darren out of his reverie and standing up to leave for a second time.

"Alright, fair enough. I should try to get some work done. But before you go, I got one last question." He smiled slyly.

"What?" Alistair asked suspiciously.

"Humor me: is Kaiba a top or a bottom?"

"How should I know?"

"Hmmm…let's think."

"I've never slept with him, you know that."

"Right, but you can make a more educated guess than anyone else I know. Go on, help fuel my unhealthy fantasies."

"You fantasize about Kaiba?"

"Who doesn't?" Alistair was taken aback. Certainly he knew that Kaiba was popular in dueling circles, and that he was even viewed as a celebrity, but it had never occurred to him that Kaiba was also seen as a sort of a sex symbol. He wondered if Kaiba knew that himself.

"If I had to guess I'd assume that he at least thinks of himself as a top," he answered slowly and fairly. Darren nodded as though that made perfect sense.

"Ok, now you're free to go."

"Gee, thanks."

On the ride back to the mansion (home), he mentally beat himself up for gossiping with Darren about Kaiba like some suburban housewife. What right did he have to disclose all of Kaiba's secrets? It was a direct betrayal of the trust he felt he had finally begun to earn and it made him feel slimy.

"Don't get me wrong Mokuba," Seto said quickly after asking for his little brother's advice; something he'd never done before. "I'm not saying that I want a girlfriend or something ludicrous like that." On the other end of the phone, Mokuba was performing a small victory dance. Finally, his brother was showing an interest in girls. He couldn't help but feel proud.

"No, of course not," Mokuba replied in a very businesslike way, knowing his brother couldn't see his grin. "You're just saying that you might want to, if the right circumstances come along, interact with a girl that isn't stupid."

"Right." Mokuba decided to throw caution to the wind.

"Trudy knows somebody. A niece of one of her friends or something. Apparently she's studying programming at the university." He held his breath while Seto contemplated the offer.

A girl studying programming was certainly a good place to start. At least then they'd be able to talk about computers, although he doubted that her knowledge of the subject was on par with his. Still, as long as she wasn't completely dull he might get something out of it. He checked his calendar.

"Tell Trudy that I can meet with this girl on Tuesday from one to two-thirty."

"Um, ok," Mokuba agreed, deciding not to point out to his brother that it was a date he was setting up, not a meeting.

Once off the phone with Seto, Mokuba practically sprinted down to the kitchen to find Trudy.

"Trudy!" he called from halfway down the stairs. "Guess what?"

"Mokuba, you know better than to run amuck like some wild animal," Trudy scolded him, looking up from the dishwasher she was loading. "What is it?"

"Seto wants you to set up a date with Momo," he explained excitedly.

"What? You told him?"

"He says he has time on Tuesday from one to two-thirty. Can you get her here?"

"Well I…I'll have to call. He actually asked me to do this, this isn't some scheme of yours?"

"No, I swear. He called me to ask about girlfriends and stuff and I mentioned that you knew someone he might be interested in and he told me to ask you about it."

"If you promise that you're not pulling the wool over my eyes, I'll call Pearl and ask about it."

"I promise." His cell phone vibrated. "Oh, speaking of girlfriends…" And then he was off again, typing into his phone as he jogged back up the stairs. Trudy shook her head. What on earth was getting into everyone?

Mokuba ran into Alistair who was just getting back on his way to his room.

"Hey Alistair!"

"Hey Mokuba, what's up?"

"Seto's going on a date!"

"What?" Alistair hoped his resentment didn't show on his face.

"Didn't Trudy tell you about Momo?"

"Oh, her. Yeah. Wait, he agreed to this?"

"Surprisingly. He actually called me to ask about it. I've never heard him sound even remotely interested in dating before. I'm not sure what got into him, but I'm glad. I was worried about him a little."

"When's she coming?" Mokuba was startled by the aggressive way Alistair asked the question.

"Maybe on Tuesday. But I'm not sure if she'd come here, or if they'd meet somewhere or what. I'm just hoping they hit it off. Then the only person left who'd need a girl—er…boyfriend, would be you."

"How likely is it that Kaiba will even like this Momo girl though?" Mokuba shrugged.

"No idea. They both like computers, that's a good start. And Trudy says that she's really pretty."

"This is your brother we're talking about here. There's no way he'd go for being in a relationship when he's got so much on his plate already. Besides, he's married to Kaiba Corp."

"Way to be optimistic. Where have you been all day anyway? You're hardly ever here anymore."

"I'm here more often than you," Alistair scoffed. "I was at a friend's house."

"You have friends?" Mokuba hadn't meant to sound so surprised, but it was the first he was hearing about the redhead having a social life.

"Yeah. They go to the university. That's who I've been going out with mostly if I'm not just out riding."

"Oh. Speaking of friends, could you possibly keep a secret?" Mokuba asked conspiratorially.

"That depends," he replied honestly.

"I want to invite Hilary over again."

"So? That's not some big secret."

"No, I mean, I want to have her spend the night here." Alistair raised his eyebrows.

"Aren't you a little young for all that?"

"We're not going to have sex!" Mokuba protested, his cheeks burning.

"Then why all the secrecy?"

"Because that's exactly what Seto would think we were going to do."

"And what are you actually going to do?"

"Watch movies, play games, you know." Alistair, not so ignorant on the subject anymore, knew perfectly well what 'you know' in this context meant.

"Look, it's your thing. I won't burst your bubble or whatever, but I'm not supporting this endeavor either. That being said," he reached into one of the pockets in his jacket, pulled out one of three condoms that he'd acquired in the last few weeks, and tossed it to the fourteen year old who caught it, looking extremely embarrassed. "Here's a tip: if you're that uncomfortable just holding it, you probably shouldn't be using it."

"Like you're some huge expert," Mokuba mumbled, tucking the packaged condom into his pocket.

"I've got more experience than you anyway," Alistair said sagely. "And you'd be better off listening to me than not."

"Yeah, alright. Wait, so you're saying that you've done it then?"

"That," Alistair said firmly, "is none of your business."

"Well thanks for the…you know. And for promising not to say anything. If Seto found out he'd probably kill me."

"Why would he even do, ground you?" Alistair asked curiously. "It's not like he's that much older than you; I don't know why you're so scared of him."

"I'm not scared of him; I just don't like being on his bad side. You've fought with him before, you know why." Alistair shrugged a shoulder.

"I'm not worried about Kaiba's bad side. I've survived a couple of encounters now; I can take him." Mokuba laughed.

"Fair enough. I'll catch you later! Unless you wanted to play a couple of rounds with me." He looked hopeful.

"Yeah, alright."

As Tuesday afternoon loomed ahead of him, Seto was starting to really regret having agreed to meeting this girl, Momo. He chalked it up to a moment of weakness, much like taking Alistair in.

He left a finalized and signed copy of the building permit with Valarie for Roland to pick up and send to the construction company, having finally sorted out the neigh-sayers from the green organization the previous afternoon.

As he drove home through the lunch hour rush, he wondered what he was even going to say to the faceless girl Trudy had been gushing about all weekend. Based on his housekeeper's description of the 'nice girl', he was imagining a bespectacled, mousy, timid woman who was interested in saving the planet and who probably owned a few cats. As it turned out, they arrived at the estate at almost the exact same time. He in his sleek sports car, she in a seemingly nondescript silver car that he happened to know was quite expensive. She rolled down her window, and he did the same.

"Should I leave the car here, or pull around and park?" asked a dark brown haired young woman with a lightly made-up face and light pink lip-gloss.

"Leave it here; Saito will take care of it." She gave him a thumbs up, and stopped the car. After Saito had taken both hers and Seto's keys and prepared to drive the car around before coming back for his boss's, Seto and Momo were able to greet each other properly.

"I'm Momo Tojikamuri," Momo introduced herself.

"Seto Kaiba," Seto replied, shaking her outstretched manicured hand. So far he had to admit that he was impressed by her poise, but of course the real test would be in the conversation.

He walked her through the atrium to a sitting room that boasted huge glass windows overlooking the grounds and black leather furniture and an ornate mahogany coffee table.

"Please, have a seat," he offered, taking the armchair closer to the windows. "My housekeeper should be here shortly to bring tea I have no doubt." She sat across from him and smiled politely.

"Thank you. This is quite the place you've got here," she commented, looking around. "I like the black and white color scheme; classy."

"The design was my step-father's," Seto explained in a bored voice, not interested in discussing the décor and most definitely regretting the whole date set-up.

Trudy entered the living room shortly thereafter with a spring to her step. She was very excited on Seto's behalf that he was finally opening up to the idea of a girlfriend.

"Hello Trudy!" Momo greeted her, standing up momentarily to give the older woman a hug and offering Seto a few of her curvaceous backside which was perfectly outlined by her tight navy blue skirt. The skirt reminded him of the Valentine woman whom he'd never found particularly appealing.

"You look lovely Momo, as always. What can I get you kids to drink?" Seto raised an eyebrow at her use of the word 'kids' as though he wasn't turning twenty in a week.

"I'll have a coffee. Black," he said brusquely.

"Oh, um…I wouldn't mind a tea."

"Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea Seto? So much coffee isn't good for you, you know."

"Coffee Trudy. Black." She tutted but eventually left to go get the drinks. Momo was slightly put off by the way Seto had treated the woman who was always so kind to her and her aunt, but understood that she was his employee and that their relationship would therefore be different.

"Trudy tells me that you're studying programming," Seto said finally.

"That's right. I'm in my third year."

"What kind of programming?"

"As a student we have to be well grounded in everything, but I prefer graphics. I actually interned for Kaiba Corp during the Battle City Tournament. It was really cool; I got to help out the graphics team." She had Seto's full attention now. He knew, of course, that the graphics division had been recruiting interns from the university for the last few years but he had never personally had much to do with it.

"Really? What did you think?"

"Everyone was terrified that you'd stop by to be honest," she said, laughing slightly. "They were all scared of you."

"Then I must be doing something right," he replied, gracing her with a rather uncharacteristic half-smile.

By the end of the lunch date Seto had come to actually like the girl despite having thought that she'd be air-headed and boring. As he walked her to the door he told her to give a copy of her resume and portfolio to Trudy and promised to look it over personally, though based on their conversation he was already almost certain that he wanted to hire her.

"Well?" Trudy asked, one part excited, one part impatient, as soon as Momo's car had pulled out of the driveway. "Did you like her?"

"Yes, very much. I think she'll be a great asset." Trudy's face fell.

"Come again?"

"She'll be dropping her resume and portfolio off with you. I want to look them over, but then I think I'll offer her a job. It's about time for some fresh blood in the graphics division if I want KC to stay on top."

"Hire her? What about date her?"

"I don't have time."

"But you would if you did?"

"Not a chance."

"But why? She's beautiful, she's smart, she likes computers; what's the problem?"

"Kaiba doesn't need a girl holding him back; he's got a company to run," a snide voice said from the stairwell. Normally such a sarcastic comment would have elicited a return insult, but Seto was fine with Alistair taking the spotlight off of him. Trudy threw her hands up in defeat and walked back towards the kitchen muttering about insufferable young people and their misplaced priorities.

"So how'd the date go?"

"Shut up Alistair." But there was no real malice behind his words.

"That good, huh? Was she able to melt that icy heart of yours with her sunny smile?" Alistair, for his part, was practically giddy over Kaiba's disinterest in such an attractive girl.

"I said shut up. Don't make me say it again."

"Or what? What are you gonna do Kaiba, hit me? Bring it on."

"Go find someone else to bother," Seto said sourly, walking briskly towards the back of the house to the door that would allow him access to the garage. He wanted to get back to Kaiba Corp to check on the status of the construction company. He was in no mood for Alistair's taunting, though he couldn't help but wonder what the man had been doing there in the first place; according to Trudy he usually went out to meet up with friends for lunch. Strange. It was almost as though he'd stayed merely to see the outcome of his lunch date with Momo Tojikamuri and make a point to harass him about it. Once on the road, he put the matter to the back of his mind, though he could feel the hint of a spark in his stomach that he did his best to ignore.

For the better part of the evening, Alistair tried to sort out his feelings about Kaiba, wanting to know how much of his infatuation was physical and how much was emotional and why. Kaiba was certainly attractive, there was no denying that, but there were lots of attractive guys in the world, and he himself had rolled around in the sack with a few of them, so he didn't think that was the main reason he'd come to see Kaiba as he did.

There was the obvious point that he'd spent the last five and a half years of his life obsessing over him. True, that had been out of spite, but nonetheless the brunette had been on his mind twenty-four/seven. This long-term obsession was, he was sure, part of it; it couldn't not be. But the majority of it, he decided, was something else entirely, something he couldn't quite put his finger on. What was it about Kaiba that had caused him to feel like this?

Author's note: slowly but surely we're getting there. At least 'Kaiba Boy's' starting to realize that friendship and companionship aren't necessarily undesirable things, but he's still got a long way to go. If this were a race Alistair would certainly be winning, which I'm sure Seto wouldn't be all to happy about...

That being said, and without giving anything away, I'm just going to mention that the next chapter is going to be the breaking point. ;)