"Wake up, Commander."

Shepard refused to acknowledge the voice. The violent shaking of the surface he laid on and the loud explosions told him that he wouldn't enjoy what he'd be waking up to. Plus he could tell he was far from in perfect, or even decent, condition. If I just sit here a little longer, the nice lady will give me drugs that knock me out again.

"Shepard, do you hear me?" the voice on the intercom asked him. "Get out of that bed now—this facility is under attack."

Realizing that the voice on the intercom belonged to the woman that he'd waken up to before, which meant she was not nearby and thus incapable of pumping sedatives into him, Shepard begrudgingly cracked his eyes open. He rubbed his jaw, feeling deep markings engraved into it.

"Shepard. Your scars aren't healed," the woman said, as if knowing he was curious as to his damaged face, "but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack."

"Of course it is," Commander Shepard muttered. "I can't wake up to a normal alarm. No, I get gunfire and explosions."

He sat up, an intense pain in his ribs flaring as he did so. The window across from him lit up with fire and lasers firing outside in space. His bed—the whole facility, really—shook yet again. Where the hell am I?

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room," the woman informed him. "Hurry!"

"Are you kidding? I can barely sit up; how do you expect me to fight?" He stared at the ceiling, waiting for the intercom woman to answer. No such thing came. Grunting as he swung his legs off the bed and onto the floor, Shepard stood. Another explosion caused him to stumble and nearly fall on his face, but he caught himself before he did so.

The locker, which the woman had non-specifically said was on the other side of the room, was mere feet from his bed, now directly in front of him. "How's that 'the other side of the room'?" Shepard asked no one in particular.

"Grab the pistol and armor from the locker," the woman said.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going." He shuffled over to the locker, trying to remember how exactly he went from falling into a planet's orbit to a shiny facility that was for some reason the scene of a battle. He opened the locker, setting the empty pistol aside on the sink counter next to him. Then he picked up the armor, which was strangely in his size, and started the process of putting it on.

Seconds after putting on his first boot the woman's voice shouted at him. "You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapon and armor!"

Assuming that the woman had some access to see him, Shepard shrugged for her. "What do you think I'm doing? This armor isn't going to just hop onto my body."

Returning to his task, Shepard slid on the other boot.

"You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapon and armor!"

This time he stared at the ceiling, bewildered at her repeated order. "Does it look like I'm waiting around?! I am clearly equipping my armor. I wish this was faster to do, but don't yell at me because it's not!"

"You don't have ti—"

"SHUT UP!" he screamed.

A/N: Thanks to Nuclearwullfs, Anthony, and thepkrmgc for reviewing since the last update.

This took me about ten minutes to write. I promise on the next one, I'll put more time and effort into writing something you might enjoy. In the meantime, enjoy the reality of equipping armor vs. the patience of video game tutorials.

So this whole story is going to be events that are clearly not in any specific timeline. I am going to start looking into ME1 and ME3 for events that either bother me or I can make fun of. Again, suggests are suggested.

I enjoy getting reviews, so let's continue that.