Commander Shepard, an hour after being consciously awake for only the second time in two years, was sitting aboard a shuttle on his way to a Cerberus base. He was still processing the fact that he'd been brought back to life when the woman sitting across from him, a Cerberus officer named Miranda Lawson, cleared her throat to get his attention away from the window.

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask a few questions to evaluate your condition," she said.

"Come on, Miranda. More tests?" asked Jacob Taylor, the other Cerberus operative Shepard met on the station they'd left behind. "Shepard took down those mechs without any trouble. That has to be good enough."

"I agree completely," Shepard said. "I'm still in some deal of pain, you know, from dying." He also wasn't too happy with Miranda at the moment. Yelled at me thirty-seven times to put on my armor, then she's running around in that skimpy little outfit. Not that I'm complaining.

Miranda ignored Shepard and turned to Jacob. "It's been two years since the attack. The Illusive Man needs to know that Shepard's personality and memories are intact. Ask the questions."

"Two years..." Shepard said. What makes me so important that Cerberus spent two years bringing me back to life?

"Two years and twelve days," Jacob clarified, "And you were on an operating table for most of it."

"The sooner we start, the sooner we can be done," Miranda told both Shepard and Jacob. "Start with personal history."

"Okay," Jacob said, complying rather quickly. He pulled up his omni-tool. "Records show you were a spacer kid; raised mostly on one ship or another. You enlisted and won a medal fighting batarians during the Skyllian Blitz. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Shepard rubbed his neck. "I remember the Blitz. I got shot a lot. The only time the Alliance ever rewarded me for it."

Jacob gave him a weird look. "However you want to put it, it was damn impressive. I had friend who were there." He glanced at Miranda. "Satisfied, Miranda?"

"Almost," she said, looking at Shepard. "Let's try something more recent. Virmire, where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast."

"Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was killed in action," Jacob cut in. "It was your call. Why did you leave him behind?"

"Uh... for the sake of the mission?" Shepard said in a not too convincing tone. In truth, Kaidan died because Shepard went against the sacred rule of Bros before Hoes. Ashley ended up dumping Shepard before their relationship ever began when he—in the most respectful way he could—suggest a three-way between him, her, and Liara. Not that I'm upset I still got Liara, however.

Jacob didn't seem to sense Shepard's uncertainty. "I understand, Commander. And I wasn't judging your decision. Everybody at Cerberus knows that cloning facility had to be destroyed."

"Shepard, think back to the Citadel, after the Alliance saved the Destiny Ascension and you killed Saren. What happened next?" Miranda asked.

Shepard remembered. As a reward for his service, the Council he'd saved offered to make a human Councilor. With the choice of who would join being between Captain Anderson and Ambassador Donnel Udina, it didn't take Shepard more than half a second to pick his old CO.

But, to screw with Miranda for nagging about 'hurrying up' with his armor, Shepard said otherwise. "Humanity was offered a spot on the Council. I recommended Ambassador Udina for the position."

"Yes," Miranda said with a nod, "Ambassador Udina is now Councilor Udina. Though— "

"Wait a second!" Shepard shouted. "I was joking. I recommended Anderson. He should be the one on the Council, not that political douchebag!"

"Well that 'political douchebag' now has the highest authority of any other human in the galaxy," Miranda said.

"Oh, God damn it." Shepard opened his omni-tool.

"What's wrong?" Jacob asked.

"I gotta reload my auto save. There's no way I am making Udina a Councilor."

As Commander Shepard fiddled with his omni-tool, Miranda and Jacob exchanged worried looks. "I think he's gone crazy," Jacob whispered to her.

"It might just be stress," Miranda said hopefully.

Shepard, having not heard a single word, muttered loudly, "Why can't I pause in the middle of a cut scene? Damn it, BioWare..."

"Okay," Miranda admitted, "maybe he is a little crazy. Project Lazarus has failed."

A/N: Thanks to SinsandSecrets, thepkrmgc, and Nuclear Wullfs for reviewing since the last update.

Man, I am spitting these out left and right. I already got another three ideas for future chapters as I am writing this. I'm going to limit myself to uploading one a day. That way I won't overload any of you with Shepard's misadventures.

I'm thinking about a new title for this story, since I don't think the current one really reflects the story that well. If you have a suggestion for one, or you think the current one is fine, let me know in a review or private message.

Reviews inspire me to write faster and put up more content. If you like that, leave a review. If not... then you're not my friend.