Longest chapter yet-yay!:)

Chapter 13

Breakfast with Natasha was nice, it was more than nice. It was great. She told him a few funny things that happened on missions and he still couldn't believe that Coulson once almost seduced a princess for a mission. He wanted to spend the whole day with her but she was tired, they had been awake for over 36 hours and it was taking its toll on her. He walked her to her car and she gave him a light kiss on the cheek before she left.

Even hour later he could still feel her lips on his skin. Thanks to the serum he wasn't tired at all but he didn't know what to do. He wasn't needed at SHIELD and he didn't really had a private life except for the time he spent with Sam and Natasha. Maybe he should go to the VA and join one of Sam's meetings, he hasn't been there in a while and he knew that he needed to work on his PTSD. It wasn't as worse as it was right after they got him out of the ice but he still got nightmares from time to time. He read about incidents where people who suffer from PTSD attacked their loved ones in their sleep when they had an episode. He hoped to share a bed with Natasha one day and he could never forgive himself if he hurt her. He knew that she could defend herself but he was so much stronger than her. He could accidentally kill her. No, he needed to work on his PTSD. For Natasha and for himself. He knew that Natasha had her own demons, he didn't want to burden her with his own on top of that.

He drove to the VA and Sam was in the hallway talking to Carmen who served three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and recently married her girlfriend. She admitted in one session that she refused to sleep with her in one bed after she came back because she was scared that she would hurt her. But she was so much better now and Steve would take her as an example.

Sam waved at him when he saw him and walked over to him. Carmen nodded at him and then left the VA through the back entrance.

"Hey, man. How are you?"

"I'm good, Sam. You got a session coming up?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, you wanna join us?"

"I think so."

They got coffee and a few people were already sitting in the circle of chairs when he and Sam joined them. He mostly just listened to the others. What could he say? None of them served in World War II but he soon realized that every war was ugly. They all had surviour's guilt and nightmares about what they had to do. It helped him to know that he wasn't alone. And he liked these veterans, they didn't see him as an icon but as a soldier who was just as broken as they were. He just told them that his nightmares were getting better and that he started drawing again. He didn't tell the group that all his sketches were of Natasha.

After the meeting he and Sam stayed on their chairs. "How did your date with the girl from the front desk go? What was her name again?"

"Tess. It was great. We'll go out on Friday again." Sam smiled and looked like was thinking about his date again. God, he was jealous about how easy Sam had it. Steve was pretty sure that if he asked out Natasha on a date, she would say no. She wasn't ready yet. He felt that she was warming up to the idea of dating him though. She held his hand the entire flight back from Madrid and started to kiss his cheek as a goodbye but she wasn't there yet.

Sam gave him a calculating look. "You're thinking about her, aren't you?" They both knew who he was referring to.

He didn't see the point in lying and just nodded. He would love to talk with Sam about Natasha but if felt like betraying her. Betraying her trust and he knew that she didn't trust easily. How could she with the life she had?

"That reminds me," Sam got three tickets out of his pocket. " My friend gave me tickets to the Washington Nationals game tomorrow. You and Natasha wanna join me?"

He hadn't been to a baseball game since he and Bucky sneaked into a Dodgers game in 1937. He still couldn't believe they moved to LA! To fucking LA! He didn't know about Natasha but he would love to go.

"I'm in. But why don't you ask Tess?"

"She has a thing with her mom. Besides I like spending time with you and Natasha. She's a cool chick." Sam got up from his chair. "Let's grab some cake and you can text Natasha if she wants to come with us."

Natasha didn't reply immediately, she probably was still sleeping. He was at home and watching FRIENDS when his phone beeped with her answer. He almost expected her to decline but she texted him that she would meet them at the stadium. He was sure that he was grinning like an idot when he read her text. He got to spend the day with Natasha again! And Sam of course...

Natasha was already at the main entrance waiting for him and Steve. She wore the colours of the team, red pants, white shirt and a red jacket. She had a Washington Nationals cap on her head and was holding two additional ones in her hands.

She gave them to him and Steve. "Here, I wasn't sure if you had the right clothing."

"Did you already have them?" Sam asked.

"No" She laughed a little. "I just got them. Thanks for inviting me, Sam."

He smiled at her. "Thanks for the cap."

Sam walked to the entrance and he and Natasha followed him. She stopped him to grab the baseball cap out of his hand and put it on his head. He completely forgot about the hat. She kissed him on the cheek and then walked over to Sam. He was still surprised by her sudden gestures of affection. He figured she wasn't as used to it as he was. His mother always kissed and hugged him. Did she even remember her mother?

They got good seats with a great view over the whole field and Sam made sure that Natasha was stitting next to Steve. It wasn't very subtle and he knew that Natasha knew what Sam did but she didn't seem to mind and he decided to call it a win.

"Okay, boys. I have a confession to make. I have no idea when it comes to baseball. I know a home run is a good thing and that's it." Natasha said and then spotted a guy who sold snacks. "Uh, but I know about this." She waved the guy over and they bought hot dogs and beer.

"You don't know baseball?" Sam asked her while devouring his hot dog.

"I know it's hard to believe but baseball is not that big of a deal in Russia." She replied coolly and licked sauce of her lip. Was it normal that he thought that was super hot?

"Yeah but don't you live in the States for some time now?" Sam was still staring at her like she annouced the earth was flat.

"So?"

Sam just shook his head and continued to eat his hotdog.

He saw his chance and explained the game to her. And he only had to lean so close to her because it was really loud and he had to make sure that she heard him, nothing more.

"If you told me that game was over three hours long, I wouldn't have come." Natasha whispered into his ear and he did his best to hide the shiver he felt running down his spine.

"Don't let Sam hear you!" He grinned and Natasha smirked back.

They wanted to get burgers after the game but Natasha was needed back at the Triskelion. He asked if he should come as well but she shook her head. She thanked Sam again for inviting her and drove off in her corvette.

"I still can't believe she didn't know the rules. Who lives in America and doesn't know how to play baseball?!" Sam murmured on his way to the diner.

He wasn't really listening to Sam. Why did they only ordered Nat to come to SHIELD? They were partners, he should be there as well. He knew Natasha would kick his ass if she heard him say it but he felt better when he was with her and could look out for her. He didn't know why but he had a bad feeling.

He tried to find out where Natasha was the next day but neither Sitwell nor Hill gave him answers. He knew she wasn't at the Triskelion but her car was parked in the garage and her baseball cap was on the passengers seat. She must have left DC yesterday right after the game, she could have been anywhere in the world right now. He tried calling her cell but only the voicemail answered. Natasha didn't take her phone with her on missions, it was probably in her office or car.

Another day passed and he was called into Director Fury's office, he didn't know why but he hoped Fury would tell him where Natasha was. Fury was standing with his back to Steve and looking out the window. He had a really nice view over DC from here. Fury turned around when Steve stopped in front of his desk.

"Morning, Rogers." He motioned for him to sit down.

"Sir."

"Want some?" Fury pushed a box of donuts over his desk. "Doc says I can't have them anymore but if I survive being trapped under a mountain, I can eat these."

"No, thank you."

Fury shrugged. "More for me then."

"You wanted to talk to me, sir?" He hoped Fury would cut to the chase and tell him where Natasha went. But he had a feeling that Fury wouldn't tell him that on his own.

"I've heard about an incident that occured on Monday." Fury leaned back into his chair and looked quite amused.

Incident? What kind of incident? He didn't follow until he realized what he meant. He was talking about him pushing Rumlow against a wall after he said those ugly things to Natasha.

"I'm not going to apologize" He crossed his arms. Rumlow could be glad he didn't throw him through the wall. He would have certaintly deserved it. He had some nerve to talk about women like that and than he said those things to an agent that outranked him. Where was his respect for the chain of command?

Fury laughed. "I don't expect or want you to. Rumlow's got a nice desk where he can do lots of paperwork for the next month. I have zero tolerance for sexist bullshit."

"How do you even know about that?" He really doubted that Rumlow reported the incident.

Fury laughed again. "I have eyes everywhere." Right, there were cameras everywhere at SHIELD.

"Where is Romanoff by the way?" He asked him and hoped he sounded nonchalant.

Fury raised his eyebrow lightly. "On a mission. Coulson's team needed her."

"And am I allowed to know where she- they currently are?"

"If you're needed as back-up, you'll be the first to know." Fury got up from his seat to probably signal him that the conversation was over. "Have a nice day, Rogers."

"Yeah, you too, sir."

Great he didn't know where Natasha was or what her mission was but at least he knew that she wasn't alone.

Two days later while he was grocery shopping he got a call from SHIELD that he was needed at the Triskelion. He left the full shopping card right where he was and sprinted to his bike to get to the Triskelion as fast as he could.

Agent Hill was waiting for him when he arrived at the garage. "You can go straight to the quinjet. Everything you need to know is on this tablet."

He wanted to ask her what this was all about, was Natasha in danger? But he didn't got the chance because she left right after she talked to him. He took the elevator down to the underground airport and was greeted by Agent Koenig who led him to the quinjet. The pilot was already waiting for him and she started the plane as soon as he was on it. He immediately went for the tablet to read over the file. Yes, the mission was about Natasha. Coulson's team was going after the guys who had Rockwell's serum and apparently Rockwell didn't destroy everything. He still didn't understand why Coulson needed Natasha. She only spoke briefly to Rockwell before his death. What kind of information could she provide? He got his answer when he opened the next document- another graduate of the Red Room worked with the men that had leftovers of the serum. Her name was Yelena Belova and called her herself the rightful Black Widow. Coulson needed Natasha because he assumed she knew how Belova worked. Steve was called in because they had to assume that they had to engage with enhanced individuals and Coulson only had May,Ward, Morse and Natasha as experienced fighters on the team. But at least Natasha wasn't in danger according to the last status report from three hours ago. They would wait for Steve to go after Belova and the rest. He hoped Nat was doing okay, he couldn't imagine how it was for her to be confronted by her past. Where was he even going? He glanced over the files for Natasha's name and didn't look where the quinjet was headed. There it was, he was going to Buenos Aires. Didn't they call it the Paris of South America?

He slept the majority of the flight and was surprised when the quinjet landed on the helicarrier, Agent Coulson was on deck and waiting for him. They shook hands and Coulson led him into a room where the rest of his team was waiting. Natasha wasn't with them. She was on the ground tracking Belova as Coulson told him after he asked him where she was. He was shown his quarters, a small room with a cot and a small bathroom where he changed into his uniform and clinked his shield on his back.

They were already in a quinjet and waiting for Natasha's signal and then planned to storm the location where Belova and the others were. Agent Simmons reminded them that she needed a sample of the serum for her studies. Was SHIELD working on that serum? He didn't know if he was on board with that. Natasha sent her signal and they landed near a mansion outside Buenos Aires. They entered the house from two sides, he was with May while Coulson, Ward and Morse entered through the other side. As soon as they got through the front door he and May were attacked by a group of men and some of them seemed to have taken the serum. He wondered if they knew that they signed their death sentence with it. May was an excellent fighter and together they managed to take out their opponents. Natasha told them over her comm that she was going after Belova. He could hear fragments of her conversation with the other Black Widow, Natasha was trying to get her to surrender and start over. Belova didn't seem to be interested.

Coulson, Morse and Ward appeared to have problems and he and May made their way through the mansion to get to them. It looked like all of their attackers were enhanced, Steve threw his shield at the one that was choking Coulson and the man fell dead to the ground. He was fighting against two men when he was hit with something in the head. It was done with so much force that he started to see stars. Holy shit, so this was what it's like when you get hit with super strength? Maybe he should apologize to the next person he knocked out. He turned around and clocked his attacker with his shield. He wouldn't apologize to this guy, he had it coming.

He heard a crash and multiple shots from upstairs and when he was sure that Coulson and his team had everything under control he ran into the direction the noises were coming from. He prayed to God that Natasha wasn't hurt. He realized that the hit he got to his head was worse than he thought, he was dizzy and couldn't really control his movements. Why was he wearing this helmet if it didn't protect his head?! He heard another screaming match and he was sure that one of the voices belonged to Natasha. He stumbled through the hallway, jesus this house was huge, and a woman ran out of a room a couple of feet away from him. She was blonde and definitely not Natasha because she pointed a gun at him. Due to the hit to his head his movements were slower and he wasn't sure if he would get his shield from his back fast enough to deflect the bullet. His hand went behind his shoulders and he could see how the woman was about to pull the trigger. Shit! He heard a gunshot but no bullet hit him instead Belova went to the ground, the wall beside her splattered with her blood.

Natasha appeared seconds later, a gun in her hand. "Are you okay, Steve?"

"Yeah, thanks. You just saved my life."

"Don't mention it." She put her gun back in her thigh holster and looked down at Belova's dead body. She seemed sad and then kneeled down to close the woman's eyes. She whispered something in Russian he didn't understand.

"Natasha?" He walked over to her. "Are you okay?"

She opened her mouth to say something but Coulson spoke through his comm and asked Natasha about Belova. "She's dead" was all she said and then she walked downstairs.

A SHIELD team had already arrived and was cleaning up the bodies and arresting people. They didn't find any information but took blood from those who got injected with the serum. He really needed to have a talk with Fury about this.

They were back on the helicarrier and May mentioned his head injury and Coulson told him to go to the infirmary to let it get checked out. He really wanted to talk to Natasha about what she had to do in order to protect him but she was nowhere to be seen. Simmons told him he had an aneurysm but his serum was already healing it. He didn't need surgery but should rest for the next few days. He went to his quarters to take a quick shower and then he would go look for Natasha. She looked like she needed a friend.

He had some problems to fit into the tiny shower and couldn't really move but he somehow managed to wash the sweat and dirt off of him and slipped into SHIELD sweatpants and a hoodie. He stepped out of the small bathroom and wanted to go find Natasha when he spotted her on his cot. Her hair was wet and she was wearing a sweater that was too big for her and yogapants. She looked so young in that moment.

She smiled at him shyly. "Um, I didn't want to be alone right now. I'm sorry that I broke in."

"Don't worry about it. I was just about to look for you."

"You were?" She sounded so surprised that it broke his heart a little bit.

"Of course." He didn't know if it was okay to sit next to her. The cot wasn't really big and he didn't want to overstep any boundaries. He promised himself that he let Natasha set the pace of their hopefully soon relationship.

Natasha moved to lay on the cot and he was about to sit on the ground next to her when she pressed her back against the wall to make room on the bed. Did she want him to lay next to her? He looked at her and her cheeks turned slightly pink and she patted the free space. He tried to contain his happiness and walked over to her and joined her. They were side to side facing each other. They were so close that he could feel her breath on his face.

"I wanted to give her the same chance Clint gave me all those years ago." She didn't look him in the eyes. "She didn't ask for what happened to her. I thought she wanted out like I did but Yelena just laughed at me and then started shooting."

"None of this is your fault, Nat."

She began to play with the ribbons of his hoodie. "I know but I can't help but think that I should have helped her. I begged Clint to kill me when he came for me."

His eyes widened in surprise. He read in her file about her encounter with Clint when she turned herself in and that wasn't mentioned.

She gave him a sad laugh. "It never made it into our files. I was just tired when Clint got to me. I wanted it to end. I escaped the Red Room and was on my own for a few months before SHIELD. I was so lost and desperate that I thought about going back to the KGB but then Clint showed up and I knew he was here to kill me and I was just relieved. I didn't fight him, I threw my weapons away and waited for him to pull the trigger. But he didn't and I begged him to kill me. He said he wouldn't but he could help me find my way. SHIELD could help my find my way. I could use my skills to do good. I joined him and never looked back until today."

She finally looked at him and her eyes were glistening. "Yelena was me ten years ago. We are the same and yet I took an offer that I didn't deserve. I guess only one of us was honest enough to face her true fate."

He grabbed her hands that were still playing with his hoodie and wrapped his hand around it. Her hands were so small compared to his. "You deserved that chance, Natasha. You did so much good in the last years. You helped so many people and they'll never know about it. You are a good person, you do good everyday."

"I'm a monster. I should have died that day."

"Don't ever say that." His voice got louder than he intended and Natasha seemed startled. "Sorry", he brushed the pad of his thumb over her hand."You are not a monster. A monster wouldn't have dropped everything to save her best friend from a crazy god with a greezy hair. A monster wouldn't have helped a kid from Brooklyn find his place in this new world. A monster wouldn't have run into a burning warehouse to save a cat and her kittens."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "I didn't think anyone noticed that. I guess it's kind of embarrassing."

"No, it's not. It was kind. You are kind. What happened to the cats anyway?"

"They all have homes now. I called the animal shelter to check on them." She blushed and it was the sweetest thing he ever saw.

"Of course you did." He smiled at her.

"You know, I kind of had a cat as a kid. It was a stray and it was running around the property of the facility where we were trained and I used to snuck food out to feed the cat. She was black, skinny and scrubby and I named her Liho." She smiled sadly. "She was my first and only friend. She rubbed her head against my legs and purred when I scratched her belly. But then I got caught by a guard and he put a gun to my head and forced me to kill Liho. It was me or her." She paused and a tear rolled down her cheek. "I strangled her with my bare hands while the guard pressed the gun against my temple. I couldn't sleep for weeks after that. I killed an innocent soul to save my life. Tell me again that I am not a monster."

He was so heartbroken for her and so furious for her. How could anyone do something like this to a child? He wanted to rip this guard with his bare hands apart. "I am so sorry that this happened to you. But Natasha, you are not a monster. You never were and you never will be. You just have to believe me on this."

She looked like she wanted to argue but then decided against it. "Can I stay here? Take a nap maybe?"

"Of course." He nodded and wondered if she wanted him to leave the cot. She turned around and was now with her back to him and he wanted to get up to let her get rest but she reached behind her and grabbed his arm and pulled it over her. "Just hold me, please." She tugged on his arm and he got the hint and spooned her. Natasha nestled against him and interwined their hands together. He buried his face in her hair and she smelled like the SHIELD issued soap and like Natasha. She tensed for a moment but then relaxed. "Thank you, Steve." She whispered and soon her breath was even and he knew she fell asleep.

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