Chapter Four: Proof
Harley immediately perked up when the two men entered the bedroom, leaning against the headboard and staring at Joker with the most intense, sexiest look she could manage. But Joker didn't even glance at her—he was too busy leading a reluctant Batman towards the bed, walking backwards so he didn't have to take his eyes off of Batsy. When Joker's legs bumped into the bed he sat down on the edge of it, with Batman still standing in front of him.
"So, how do you get this batsuit off, anyway?" Joker asked, running his hands over said batsuit, starting at Batman's chest and slowly trailing lower. Harley stared, feeling a sudden twinge of jealousy and wishing Mr. J would touch her like that.
Batman grabbed both of Joker's wrists, halting their movement before they could get too far south, and said, "Before anything is going to come off—" Joker snickered but Batman ignored it "—I want proof that those children are okay."
Joker groaned. "Why must you be so difficult all the time?"
Honestly, though, Joker had been expecting this. He was actually a bit surprised Batman hadn't played this card sooner—perhaps Batsy wasn't quite as unwilling as he seemed? Joker smiled a little at that happy possibility.
"I mean it, Joker," Batman said. "I want proof, or nothing's happening here tonight."
Joker raised an eyebrow. "You're cock-blocking yourself, do you realize that?" Batman just continued to glare at him. "Okaaaaay, fine," Joker said, sighing exaggeratedly. "Give me the phone."
Batman retrieved the cell phone from his belt and handed it over. Joker dialed a number, and put the call on speaker as it started to ring.
"Who do you got watchin 'em?" Harley asked—not that she really cared, she just wanted to remind Mistah J that she was there.
Joker shot an annoyed glance in her direction and snapped sarcastically, "Brock fucking Samson."
"Oh. Is he new?" she asked obliviously.
"Shut up, I'm on the phone."
"You two are so adorable when you bicker," Batman quipped.
"Don't make me stab you," Joker teased, but he chuckled and hooked a hand into Batman's belt, pulling him closer.
Batman tensed. "What are you—?"
"Sit down," Joker patted the bed next to him. Batman just looked at him for a second, deliberating, then he finally took a seat next to Joker, who immediately snaked his arm around Batman's waist, leaning against him in a thoroughly disconcerting manner. Batman started to push him away, but was distracted when, after the fifth ring, someone finally answered on the other line.
"Hello?" said a male voice.
"Yeah, it's me," Joker said. "Put one of the kids on the phone, tell 'em Batman wants to talk to 'em."
"Which one?" the henchman asked.
"I don't care, just pick one," Joker snapped.
"Sure thing, Boss," the man said. "Hang on a sec."
There was a pause, and Batman listened attentively for any background noise that might give away their location. He didn't hear anything useful. Meanwhile, the Joker still had an arm around Batman's waist, and he began slowly rubbing his hand across Batman's armored abs.
"Stop that," Batman muttered, still trying to listen for clues.
"Shhh!" said Joker, continuing the caresses.
"Did you just shush me?"
"Shhhh!" Joker repeated, enjoying the chance to irritate Batsy.
Harley, on the other hand, was feeling left out again. She gave up on the sexy pose she had struck, since no one was looking at her anyway, and she crawled across the bed behind Joker and started to rub his shoulders, while Batman tried to ignore both of them and focus on the phone.
Joker's first instinct was to push Harley away like he always did whenever she got too touchy-feely, but instead he relaxed into her touch—one thing that could be said in her favor was that she gave damned good massages. Her fingers expertly worked his shoulder muscles, and his eyes slipped closed as he let out a moan that would've sounded right at home in a porno.
Batman's head snapped up at the noise, and he stared at Joker with a very what-the-fuck look on his face.
When Joker opened his eyes and saw Batsy staring, he grinned and made another exaggerated hooker noise.
"Oooohhhh, yeaaaah," he moaned, staring straight at Batman and inching his hand on Batsy's abs slowly lower.
"Stop that!" Batman protested in a voice that was a few octaves too high, swatting Joker's hand away from his groin.
"Why?" Joker purred, his teasing hand crawling back towards Batman. "Does it bother you?" Joker asked, emitting another small moan and sliding his hand slowly up Batman's leg. "Do you find it erotic?" he taunted, drawing the words out and rolling them around his tongue for maximum effect. "Are you getting aroused?" Joker said, licking his scars and trying not to grin when he saw Batman's eyes following his tongue's movement.
Batman stared at the man in front of him, only halfway listening to his taunts. Up until now he had been in a state of comfortable denial, but now it was finally starting to sink in—he was going to have sex with the Joker. It was really going to happen—it had to, or those children would die. It was as undeniable as the hand creeping along his thigh, and Batman was a little disturbed by how little the inevitability actually disturbed him. He caught himself staring as the Joker's tongue swept across scars and lips, and Batman idly wondered what greasepaint tasted like.
"Uh, Earth to Batman," Joker said, waving a hand in his face.
Batman immediately grabbed the Joker's hand out of instinct, but even after his brain caught up with his reflexes and he realized it wasn't an attack, he didn't let go. Instead, he examined the hand clasped in his own, his gloved thumb tracing over small irregular patchworks of scars as he wondered how they'd gotten there. But as his fingertip ghosted over the tiny scars, they yielded no answers, remaining as mysterious in origin as the man whose body they decorated. And mystery was something that Batman had always found irresistible.
Batman was here because had to be…but…that didn't mean that he couldn't take charge of the situation and do it his own way. And if he allowed himself to enjoy it, just a little bit, well—Joker never had to know, right?
His eyes flicked up to meet his enemy's, and whatever quip Joker had been about to fire at Batman died on his lips.
Holy shit, Joker thought, wondering for a second whether he was seeing things, because—Batman was slowly leaning towards him, and there was no trace of trickery in his eyes this time, only a beautifully wicked curiosity that had Joker frozen to the spot as Batsy leaned in closer and closer—
"Boss? Ya there?" the henchman's voice suddenly ripped through the silence, blaring out from the cell phone.
Batman froze, only inches away. Joker's mouth twitched into a forced half-smile and he caught Batman's gaze, his eyes screaming at the Bat to ignore the fucking cell phone. Joker finally overcame his paralysis and started to lean forward, but Batman promptly pulled away, seeming to snap out of a trance.
"Answer it," Batman quietly ordered, looking away at the floor and mentally raging at himself, why the hell did you do that?
Joker growled, the noise beginning low in his throat and quickly growing into a frustrated roar of "WHAT?!" to the henchman on the other line.
"Uh, I got a kid here," the man replied, sounding hesitant after the Joker's outburst.
"Put 'em on," Joker snapped, smacking Harley's hands away when she tentatively started massaging his shoulders again.
When Harley saw Batman leaning in towards Mr. J she had frozen in abject horror, unable to do anything except stare with her jaw dropped—she had wanted to stop him, but it was like watching a car wreck and she couldn't make herself look away. Now she was glaring daggers at Batman, who barely glanced at her, as though he had forgotten she was even there. How DARE he try to make a move on my Puddin', she silently fumed.
"H-hello?" a small voice emanated from the cell phone.
Batman's attention snapped back to the phone—it was a little girl on the other line, not much older than nine or ten from the sound of it.
"Say hi to Batman," Joker instructed in a falsely cheery voice, before bitterly adding a mumbled, "you little fucker," which earned him a stern look from Batsy. But few things pissed Joker off more than bad timing, and he made a mental note to kill that henchman later—they had been so damn close!
"B-Batman?" the little girl whimpered.
"I'm here," he answered. "Are you okay?"
"I'm scared," she whispered.
"Speak up, doll," Joker chimed in, "we can't hear you."
The girl didn't respond.
"Are you there?" Batman asked. "Are you hurt?"
"I-I'm okay," the girl finally replied, sniffling.
"It's going to be all right," Batman assured her. "What's your name?" he asked.
Joker bit his lip and tried not to laugh when the girl answered, "R-Rachel."
Batman glared at Joker, barely repressing the urge to slam his fist into Joker's face. You bastard, he seethed, equally disgusted with Joker and with himself—he had almost kissed that monster only seconds ago—voluntarily.
Batman forced himself to look away from Joker, and he managed to quell his anger long enough to force himself to tell the girl, "You're going to be okay, Rachel—I promise." Saying those words hurt more than Batman had expected.
"I wanna go home," the little girl wailed, sounding near tears. "Please, I don't wanna stay here anymore, it's scary, I want my m—"
"That's enough of that," Joker declared, hanging up the cell phone in mid-wail. "You've got your proof, so—"
"Give me back my phone," Batman interrupted curtly.
Joker handed it over, and Batman tucked it safely away in his utility belt while Joker continued, "As I was saying—" but he paused when Batman promptly drew his fist back for a punch. Joker closed his eyes and smirked, waiting for the collision of fist and face. Batman hesitated, he had intended to punch Joker in the face, but apparently that was too predictable. So at the last second he redirected the blow and hit him right in the balls instead.
Joker's eyes flew open with a "Oof!" and he sank to the floor. A groan escaped his lips and quickly turned into breathless laughter.
"Weren't expecting that, were you?" Batman gloated.
Joker just laughed.
Then a shrieking mass of limbs took a flying leap at Batman's head, nearly knocking him over in its fury. "How dare you!" Harley shouted, pounding her fists ineffectually against Batman's armor. I want kids someday, you stupid bat! she thought furiously. Batman caught her by the arm and used her own momentum against her, tossing her out of the way.
In between giggles, Joker called out from the floor, "Now you have to kiss it and make it better, Batsy."
Harley immediately volunteered, "I'll kiss it better, Puddin!" and rushed to his side.
"Stop that!" Joker demanded as Harley's fingers scrabbled for his zipper.
"But I wanna—"
"I said stop it!"
Joker grabbed her wrists to still her movement, but she smirked and said, "I don't need my hands, Puddin," ducking her head down and attempting to unzip his pants with her teeth. Batman smirked a little, watching the scene with amusement.
"I'll yell 'rape,' Harley, I mean it!" Joker scooted backwards on the floor, trying to evade her, but she had climbed on top of his legs, pinning them to the floor, and his hands were occupied with keeping Harley's hands still—he was stuck. He glanced over at Batman and said, "A little help here?"
Batman crossed his arms and said nothing, trying not to laugh.
"Oh, don't be like that, Bats!" Joker huffed, a few tendrils of green hair falling into his face as he struggled to dislodge the very persistent hench-wench.
Maybe I should...nah, let him squirm, Batman decided. Besides, he thought, he looks kinda hot like that... ...wait—WHAT? Batman resisted the urge to smack himself in the face, and fell into a mental mantra of I did NOT just think that, I did NOT just think that, I did NOT just think that…
Joker finally managed to wriggle a leg free, and he used it to push Harley away, then he quickly got to his feet before she could react.
"Mistah Jaaa-aay!" she whined.
Joker glared at her silently and raised his index finger towards her as a warning. The furious look on his face shut her up immediately.
I just wanna make him happy, Harley thought, sulking. If he would ever just LET me, I know I could make him forget all about Bat-brain. But then her eyes lit up as she had a sudden idea for winning back Mr. J's attention—but she was going to need a few supplies. She quietly headed for the doorway to the rest of the apartment, hoping she could find what she needed in the other room.
Joker brushed the hair out of his face and turned back to Batman, who had a mildly freaked-out expression on his face, which Joker chose to ignore.
"Anyway," Joker said, "as I was saying before I was so rudely assaulted," he shot a quick glare at Harley as she scampered through the doorway into the other room, leaving the two alone in the bedroom. "You got your proof, so I think you ought to return the favor."
Batman blinked. "What?" The man in front of him—who he most definitely had NOT just thought of as hot—wasn't making any sense.
"You've been acting weird all night, Bats. Not like yourself," Joker licked his scars, and Batman very deliberately kept his eyes averted. "I mean, for all I know, you could be one of those ridiculous Bat-posers," he said, but there was a smile hiding behind his eyes. "So I want proof that you're the real Batman."
"You know it's me," Batman growled, in no mood to play these games.
"Prove it," Joker retorted.
Batman scoffed, thinking this is ridiculous. "How?"
"Hmmmm," said Joker, feigning puzzlement. He brought the tip of his index finger to his mouth, resting it on his lower lip while he seemed to consider. After a moment, he sucked the very tip of his finger into his mouth, lightly closing his teeth on it and keeping his lips slightly parted, swiping his tongue over the digit while he kept pretending to be deep in thought.
Batman stared. What the—?
"You really are shameless, aren't you?" Batman said.
Joker closed his lips around the finger and pulled it out of his mouth with an obscenely wet pop. "I don't know what you're talking about," he insisted playfully.
Bullshit, thought Batman, he knows exactly what he's doing...and it's definitely NOT turning me on a little. Just like Batman was most definitely NOT imagining Joker's lips wrapped around a certain part of his own anatomy.
Batman cleared his throat and said, "Uh—what kind of proof do you want?"
Joker licked at his scars, and demanded, "Tell me what I said to you back in that interrogation room."
"You said a lot of crazy things that night—you'll have to be more specific."
Joker's eyes narrowed, and he snapped, "Your exact response was 'You're garbage who kills for money,' if that refreshes your memory."
Batman's eyes widened slightly as he realized what Joker wanted him to say. Holy shit, Batman thought, he really DID mean it. Which made saying it back seem more daunting than it should have been—made it seem less like a triviality and more like it meant something.
Batman glanced at Joker, briefly meeting his eyes before looking away again. He took a deep breath and mumbled the three words almost inaudibly.
"What was that?" Joker prompted, taking a step closer. Perhaps it was silly of him, but he wanted—no, needed—to hear him say it. The fact that it was coerced from Batman's lips wouldn't lessen its truth.
"You complete me," Batman repeated, looking his enemy right in the eyes.
For a second, no longer than a heartbeat, Joker just stared at him, having momentarily forgotten how to breathe—then he lunged forward and shoved Batman back against the wall, his hands seizing Batman's face and pulling him into a violent kiss.
Batman froze as Joker's lips crashed against his own—his entire body tensed, and his hands shot up to seize Joker's hands. He fully intended to pry them away—but somehow he couldn't compel himself to dislodge the force of nature ravishing his mouth. One part of his brain was telling him to shove Joker away, but another part urged him to fight for control of the kiss, and part of him didn't even care anymore, while yet another part of his mind was dancing around in circles screaming La-la-la-this-isn't-happening... so naturally Batman kissed him back.
Batman's eyes slipped shut as he stopped resisting and just let it happen, reveling in the taste of chaos. Batman's gauntleted hand tangled into green hair, pulling the infuriating criminal closer as the pair assaulted each other not with fists and knives, but with lips and tongues and teeth. When Joker's tongue brushed against Batman's lower lip, the vigilante didn't even hesitate to part his lips and let him in, matching the criminal's fervent motions with equal intensity.
Joker moaned when Batman's tongue brushed against his own—he had anticipated that Batman would react with shock, and maybe punch him in the face—but Batsy was kissing him back, and that beautiful actuality had Joker's pants suddenly feeling much too tight.
Instant erection: just add Batman, Joker thought, unintentionally giggling a little.
"What's so funny?" Batman asked breathlessly, opening his eyes and gazing inquisitively at the madman.
Shit, Joker thought, immediately regretting the laughter.
"Nothing—don't stop," Joker said, but the spell was broken and Batman regained enough of his senses to pull away from the intoxicating psychopath and attempt to catch his breath.
There was a momentary silence filled only by heavy breathing and pounding heartbeats and Batman's mind screaming something incoherent along the lines of Okay, that was really amazing, but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!
Then Joker suddenly giggled again.
"What?" Batman demanded.
"You, uh, got a little—" he gestured towards the lower half of Batman's face.
Mortified, Batman wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, scowling when his hand came away smudged with red and white.
Joker chuckled and said, "You missed a spot," reaching up and wiping the smudges of paint and lipstick off of Batsy's chin. The motion was almost—tender—and both of them paused, simultaneously reflecting on just how Twilight Zone this night had become.
Joker licked at his scars, looking a bit uncertain, and began, "Ya know, Bats, I, uh—"
But whatever he had been about to say was interrupted by a sudden shout from the other room.
"Hey Puddin', I got a surprise for ya!" Harley sing-songed, sounding supremely pleased with herself.
Joker grimaced, abandoned whatever he had been about to say, and instead finished his sentence with "—I'm really getting tired of her."
Batman smirked—for once they could actually agree on something.
A/N: If you knew who Brock Samson is, you're awesome :D If you didn't get that reference, go watch The Venture Brothers, because it's seriously a hilarious show :)
As always, reviews are very much appreciated! XD