A/N: *JUST TO CLARIFY* Personally, I'm convinced that Joker figured out Batman's identity at some point during TDK; however, for the purposes of this story, he didn't…. Also, I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned somewhere that this story is taking place roughly a year after TDK, so TDKR has no effect whatsoever on this story. In fact, let's just forget TDKR exists for now…

Anyway, on with the present, (NSFW!) chapter.

Chapter Six: The Main Attraction

Batman caught himself smiling again and forced his face back into a neutral expression, hoping Joker hadn't noticed. Batman had been off his game tonight even before the catastrophic de-masking, and in his mindblown, shocked stupor at Joker's proposition, he had already handed Joker plenty of gift-wrapped ammunition; he certainly didn't need to make it worse by smiling every two seconds—he had a little pride left, after all.

Batman snuck a glance at Joker, who was staring at him like Batman had broken his brain. Served him right. At least now they were even in the mind-shattering-revelations department.

Batman could practically see the smoke coming from Joker's brain as he tried to come to terms with Batman being Bruce Wayne; Batman didn't know how much Joker already knew about Bruce's life, or how many new ways this info might allow Joker to play him, but he felt it was best to cut that train of thought off as soon as possible—derail the damn thing and toss in a couple of grenades for good measure.

"So," Batman said, "we don't have to have a big psychoanalytic discussion about this, do we?"

Because honestly? Batman was really starting to freak out about it, now that the shock of the de-masking had worn off and the distraction of dealing with Harley was gone. The Joker knew his identity, and holy shit, nothing good could come of that.

Joker blinked. It took him a second to process what Batman said, and another few seconds to say, "I, uh," lick "suppose we can save that for next time."

"Good." There was going to be a next time, holy fuck. And holy fuck there was going to be a this time—but before there could be a this time… "You want to give me a hand with this?" Batman gestured at Harley unconscious on the floor. Not that he needed help—he just needed a distraction for Joker so he didn't start plotting.

Joker raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? She's like ninety pounds soaking wet."

"Harley wet is the absolute last thing I want to think about."

"Wow." Not even a chuckle. "Are you proud of that one?"

Batman ignored him, reaching down to grab one of Harley's wrists. He dragged her through the doorway and into the other room, hoping that he'd managed to get Joker's thoughts away from his newly revealed identity.

No such luck.

"You know," Joker said, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, "I always wondered why the host of Harvey's fundraiser wasn't even there when I showed." He smirked. "And, heh, when I couldn't find Harvey, I was gonna take Brucey hostage instead."

Batman scoffed, amused. "You were going to try."

Joker tilted his head, licked his scars. "No, that's the thing—you couldn't have really fought me in front of everybody without your mask, not without raising some pretty big suspicions."

Fuckingshitgoddamnit, that was exactly the road Batman didn't want Joker's thoughts to go down.

Batman sighed, stopped halfway to the closet and turned to face Joker. "Look, just because you know who I am now—" he stopped. Blinked. Smiled. "You know who I am now."

"Yeah, we've established that."

"Don't you think that that's much better leverage than hostages?"

Joker's eyes narrowed. "We made a deal."

"We can make a new one. Let all of the children go."

Joker shook his head. "You're all about throwing yourself under the bus for other people—you'd rather let me out you than let me kill those kids."

Well, obviously, but, "In the long run, protecting my anonymity means I can save more people," Batman argued. "So let the damn kids go. If I back out of the deal, you can tell the whole world my name."

Joker pretended to consider it for all of two seconds.

"You're forgetting, Batsy," Joker said, smirking. "I don't like to share."

Batman lost his grip on Harley's wrist and it thunked to the floor. Because, unless Batman's hearing was damaged, Joker just confessed that the reason Batman's identity wasn't good enough leverage wasn't because Batman didn't care enough about it, but rather because Joker cared too much about it to out Bruce? What the fuck?

And what was with Joker's automatic assumption that Batman was going to break the deal once the hostages were free? Oh wait, right—he would do that, because he did NOT actually want to be here, and he was NOT counting the seconds until he could tear Joker's clothes off, and he was NOT hard enough to cut diamonds right now, and he was NOT…oh, fuck it, what's the use of denial at this point? All the water's dried up anyway.

"No, you're forgetting, Joker," Batman practically growled, crossing the room, hooking his hands into the top of Joker's pants and pulling Joker against him. "I'm not going anywhere."

Joker's eyes slipped shut and he shivered a little at Batsy's tone, and then Batsy's lips crashed against his, and Batsy's tongue was in his mouth, and Batsy's hands ripped his vest open, and what were they arguing about again?

But then there came a whimper and a small scuffling noise from the floor—Harley was stirring.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Joker shouted, grabbing a knife out of his pocket.

"No!" Batman grabbed Joker's wrist. "You're not killing her."

Yet. "Then choke her out again!"

"If I do that too many times, the lack of blood flow to the brain could cause permanent brain damage."

Joker snorted. "Like anyone would notice."

Batman tilted his head a bit, wordlessly ceding the point, but said, "Hold her still. I have something better." He pulled a small vial from one of the pockets on his utility belt. Joker held Harley's handcuffed wrists behind her back while she squirmed around and groggily tried to stand.

"Cyanide?" Joker sounded hopeful.

"Chloroform. Give me a rag or something." He carefully took the stopper out of the vial. A few seconds later, something soft collided with his face. "What—?" He snatched the cloth away from his face and curled his lip in disgust. "Really?" Pinched between his forefinger and thumb and held away from his body like a smelly diaper was Harley's lacy purple thong.

Joker waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, don't look at me like that—I just made her year." Indeed, Harley was staring at Joker with shocked adoration on her face, as well as a creepy hybrid expression between a grin and a jaw-drop. Maybe Batsy was right about that brain damage stuff. Joker reached out and pushed her chin up. "Close your mouth, Harley. Drooling from both ends is just rude."

Gross. Anyway."Hold her still." Batman dumped some chloroform into the thong and pressed it to Harley's face until she passed out.

Joker let go of her arms and let her body slump to the floor. "How long will that knock her out?"

"It's diluted, so, about thirty minutes, give or take."

Joker grabbed Harley by the tendrils of her jester cap, dragged her to the closet, shoved her inside and locked the door, breaking the world record time for the obscure sport known as Lock That Bitch UP.

"Thirty minutes? Let's not waste 'em."

Batman tensed a little as Joker rushed toward him, but caught the man when he literally jumped into Batman's arms, wrapped his legs around him, and proceeded to devour his mouth.

"Let—mmph—let go," Batman demanded in between kisses. Bastard was heavy.

"Never," Joker breathed, and kissed him again. "Bed. Now."

Batman staggered over to the bed, throwing Joker onto it and pouncing down after him. Joker let out a breathless laugh but it was muffled by Batman's lips attacking his own.

"Mmm—question," Joker said when they paused for breath. "How much of this suit can you leave on?"

Batman smirked. "Why? You got a Kevlar fetish?"

"If I do it's your fault… So?"

"Well, all I really need to take off," he reached down and unhooked something, "is this."

Joker glanced down and stared at the vaguely triangular piece of armor in Batman's hand, and where it came from, and then he was laughing. Full on, bust-a-gut, make-your-cheeks-sore, ROTFLMAO laughing.

"What?" Batman demanded.

Joker could barely form words through his laughter. "What is that, a rape panel?"

"What? No! It's for when I have to pee."

Joker just laughed even harder, thinking of how priceless it would be if someone stumbled across Batman pissing in an alley in between crime fighting endeavors. "It's okay Batsy, I get it now," Joker choked out through his chuckles, "carrying chloroform, the handcuffs, that thing—" he schooled his face into a very serious expression and said, "Are you secretly a rapist?" Then he ruined it by busting out laughing again.

Batman rolled his eyes and got out his explaining-things-to-a-kindergartener voice. "I have chloroform so I can subdue and relocate suspects for interrogation." The dumbass at the end was silent.

"Oh, interrogation," Joker purred, running his hand up Batman's arm. "You mean foreplay, right?"

"No."

"Bullshit. You were two seconds from ripping my clothes off in that interrogation room, and everybody knows it."

"I was two seconds from ripping your throat out."

"Po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe."

"Shut up or I'm starting without you."

Joker smirked. "You're not helping your case there, Mr. Rape Panel."

Batman rolled his eyes, grabbed a handful of Joker's shirt, and shut him up the only way that worked—by kissing him until they both ran out of breath. Batman took the opportunity to undo Joker's belt and pants, tugging them down and off—and somehow managing to not be surprised that the crotch of Joker's boxers was decorated with a giant bat logo in a circle. Like the bat-signal.

Batman chuckled. "Subtle."

"Subtlety's boring."

Joker slipped a hand inside Batman's black boxers and wrapped his hand around Batman's erection, pulling it free, giving it a good stroke, and smiling when Batman moaned into his mouth.

Joker pulled away and said, "Edge of the bed. Move."

Batman eyed him suspiciously but gave him the benefit of the doubt, moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Good Batsy," Joker said, following him and dropping to the floor between Batman's legs.

"What are you—oh!" Batman gasped when Joker's mouth closed around his dick. "Fuck."

It felt beyond amazing, but hello, this was his notoriously unbalanced arch-fucking-nemesis who might suddenly decide that it would be hilarious to bite Batman's dick off.

Batman grabbed a handful of green hair and pulled Joker off of him, holding him still, leaving a mere inch of space between Joker's lips and Batman's erection. Joker's eyes flicked up to meet Batman's, while his tongue swiped at his scars.

"Problem?"

"I—um…"

Joker read Batman's face, and his eyes narrowed. "You don't trust me."

Batman huffed. "What do you expect? You blackmail me into this, and—"

Joker stretched his tongue across the inch of space between them and slowly licked the tip of Batman's cock with the tip of his tongue, never breaking eye contact. Batman's eyes slipped shut and his grip on Joker's hair tightened. "Fuck."

Joker smirked.

Batman met Joker's eyes again, then finally loosened his grip on Joker's hair and pulled his face closer. Joker licked a stripe up the underside of Batman's cock before taking nearly the whole thing into his mouth and sucking hard.

"Jo—" Batman stopped himself, barely, and let out a breathy moan instead. Too late though—Joker's eyes flicked up to meet his, and Batman knew he'd heard. Joker rewarded him by moaning around his length and taking him in a fraction deeper.

Batman's eyes were glued to the beautiful, sinful things Joker's mouth was doing to him. He could have closed his eyes and pretended he was with someone else, but he didn't think Joker would let him get away with it, and, quite honestly, he didn't want to look away.

There was no denying it, Batman was in ecstasy right now. But if this lasted much longer, Batman wouldn't. Last, that is. So he said the first thing that popped into his head in an attempt to slow things down a bit.

"You're a hypocrite," he blurted.

Joker went still, then pulled away and glared up at Batman. "Excuse me?"

Batman flashed a cocky smile. "You said to never start with the head. Remember?"

Joker made a noise halfway between a scoff and a laugh, his breath ghosting over Batman's cock. Then he went back to doing wonderful things with his tongue.

Batman moaned, his hand clenching Joker's hair tighter. "Damn," he breathed. He seriously wasn't going to last if this didn't slow down soon. "Finally found a way to shut you up though," he said, taking a bigger risk for the sake of slowing down without actually admitting that he needed to. "I think you missed your calling."

And maybe that was going a bit too far, because Joker scraped his teeth along Batman's dick—just a little past the wrong side of rough—as a warning.

"Ah—kidding, jeez! It's not a chew toy!"

Joker laughed around him, and the vibrations nearly sent Batman over the edge right then and there.

He gripped Joker's hair and pulled him back, losing his patience completely and growling, "Get up here, now."

"Mmm," Joker licked his lips and said, "make me."

Batman growled, seized Joker by the arms, hauled him into the bed, and slammed him down on the mattress so hard he bounced. Joker grinned, loving every second of it.

Batman leaned over him, capturing his lips in another furious kiss. After a long moment, Batman started to sit up, intending to remove Joker's boxers—but a cloud of feathers flew up when he moved, and he realized that the blades on his gauntlets were shredding holes in the down comforter. He slid them off, baring his hands and forearms, and threw them on the floor, ignoring Joker's chuckling.

Batman ripped Joker's shirt open but didn't remove it or the vest. He slid his now-bare hands up Joker's exposed chest, then tangled them into Joker's hair as he pulled him in for another bruising kiss.

Batsy's hands on his skin felt amazing, and Joker was starting to rethink his whole keep-the-Kevlar-on request, but it was a little late for that now. Batman's fingers hooked around the waistband of Joker's boxers and tugged them down. Joker helpfully lifted his hips and watched Batsy throw his boxers across the room, and he actually stopped breathing for a moment when Batsy surged forward and spread Joker's legs and—stopped short. Damn it.

"Condom?"

"Drawer," Joker answered, flicking his eyes toward the nightstand.

Batman reached over and yanked the drawer open. He wasn't expecting the large, dark green bottle that rolled up from the back of the drawer, and when he picked it up to examine it, he smirked at the label.

" 'J&B'?"

Joker glanced at the bottle of scotch and shrugged, licking at his scars. "Seemed appropriate."

"Planning to get me drunk and take advantage?" Batman teased.

"Don't need to, apparently."

"You calling me easy?"

Joker snorted—after everything he'd done just to get Batsy here? "Hardly. Gimme that."

Batman handed over the bottle, then fished a condom out of the drawer and put it on while Joker took a long swig of the scotch.

"Mmmm," Joker half-growled, enjoying the burn as it went down, and taking another drink. "Want some?"

Batman glanced at the proffered bottle and deliberated for a second; technically, he was kind of on the job right now, but what the hell—he was about to fuck his archenemy on the job, so what harm could a little booze do? He downed about two shots' worth—just enough to loosen up a little, no need to get crazy—then set the scotch back on the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lubricant from the drawer.

Joker's eyes were glued to the bottle in Batsy's hand, and the click of the lid snapping open seemed deafening.

Both men paused for a second—Joker lying back on the bed, propped up on his elbows, and Batman on his knees between Joker's spread legs—and their eyes met for a surreal holy shit this is really happening moment. It was far too tense and quickly getting awkward, so Batman broke the moment by holding the bottle up and squeezing a huge glob of lube onto Joker's erection, just to toy with him.

Joker hissed and flinched a little. "That's cold, jackass."

"Is it?" Batman said innocently, the ghost of a smirk on his lips. "Shall I warm it up for you?"

He leaned down, watching Joker's eyes widen in surprise and lust as Batman's face slowly inched closer to his erection. Batman licked his lips, flicked his eyes up to meet Joker's, opened his mouth, and…exhaled warm breath against Joker's length without touching it, before catching Joker's eye again and moving his face away.

"Fuckin' tease," Joker muttered, his pupils blown wide with desire.

Batman smirked; the bastard had been playing with him all night, and now it was Batman's turn to torment Joker until neither of them could stand it any longer.

"What's the matter?" Batman murmured, running his hands along the back of Joker's thighs, pressing the criminal's legs up toward his chest. Then Batman teasingly traced the tip of his cock along Joker's entrance, then dragging it up and briefly nudging against Joker's balls before moving away, still not touching Joker's erection. Joker growled low in his throat and twitched his hips up in search of contact, but Batman pressed his palms to Joker's hips to hold him still.

He had planned on making Joker literally beg for it before he touched him, but the scotch had kicked in and Batman felt pretty damn amazing and it seemed stupid to hold things up any longer.

"C'mere," Batman said, and he didn't need to ask twice. Joker sat up, so they were now both on their knees facing each other.

Batman met Joker's gaze, cupping his face in one hand, and very slowly, very deliberately shifted forward and finally slid his own erection against Joker's. Batman's eyes slipped closed as he tried not to moan, but Joker took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Batman's neck and capture his lips in a fierce, desperate kiss. One of Joker's hands snuck down to slide along their aligned erections, and one of Batman's hands joined it; for a few glorious moments they stroked each other in tandem and made out like their lives depended on it.

Then Batman slid his hands up to Joker's shoulders and pushed him down, flat on his back. Their eyes locked and a silent agreement passed between their heated stare—it was time.

Batman grabbed the bottle of lube again, squeezing some into his hand and slicking up his throbbing erection, using the excess to coat his fingers.

He leaned down, settling himself over Joker's body.

"You done this before?" he asked breathlessly.

"Nope."

It was a testament to how far gone both of them were that neither even thought to make any ass-virginity jokes.

Batman leaned in, catching Joker's lips and using his tongue to distract Joker from what his fingers were about to do. Batman waited until he felt Joker relaxing into the kiss, then he slid the first slick finger inside.

Joker grunted against Batman's lips, but it was more from surprise than pain, and he didn't break their kiss. He didn't mind being on the bottom this time—in fact, he probably would've dropped dead from shock if Batman had suggested the other way around—and he really didn't care what they did, as long as it was him and Batsy.

Batman slid his finger most of the way out, then pushed it back in, swallowing Joker's moans as he adjusted to the feeling of Batman preparing him. Joker laughed a little but by now Batman knew better than to be offended. After a moment, Batman added another lubed finger, sliding them in and out, stretching Joker's entrance with scissoring motions.

Joker fidgeted a little and said "Somebody knows what he's doing." He sounded breathless, but still managed that mocking tone that irritated the crap out of Batman. "You've done this before." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah," Batman agreed. Joker's eyes narrowed dangerously, and Batman quickly elaborated, "With girls."

Joker laughed. "Bet they loved that," he said sarcastically.

Batman smirked. "You'd be surprised," he said, recapturing Joker's lips with his own.

When he added the third finger, Batman's free hand wandered down to stroke Joker's erection.

"So," Joker said in between kisses and moans, "am I—mmmnh—the first guy you've ever—"

"Yes," Batman said, cutting him off with a kiss. "Congratulations. You want a trophy or something?"

Joker giggled against Batman's lips. "How about a statue of us in flagrante, right in the middle of Gotham Square?"

"Yeah," Batman laughed, nibbling at Joker's bottom lip, "I'll get right on that, pull a few strings, call in some favors. It'll be here by Thursday."

Distracted, Batman shifted the angle of his fingers slightly—purely by accident—and Joker arched into his touch. "Fuck, Batsy," he gasped. "Do that again!"

Batman obliged, twice, making a mental note about the angle and swallowing Joker's moans and smiling at how thoroughly he was making Joker fall apart. He withdrew his fingers, deciding Joker was prepped enough, and rubbed a little more lube over his erection just to be safe.

"Just fuck me already!"

Batman scoffed. "Excuse me for being considerate."

"Just do it, I don't care if it hurts—I wanna feel you for a week," he said, biting Batman's lower lip and reaching down to grasp Batman's erection and guide it to his entrance. "C'mon, I want it rough," he growled, shoving Batman's chest like he was trying to pick a fight, then grabbing Batman's face and pulling him back in for a bruising kiss. "I want you to fuck me so hard I'll walk wrong for days," he whispered against his lips.

And here Batman had thought he couldn't possibly get any harder.

He growled a little, grabbing the Joker's shoulders and shoving him flat on the bed.

"Knees up," he growled, grabbing Joker's legs and bending them towards his chest before he even had time to comply. Batman crawled forward between Joker's legs, positioning his erection at Joker's entrance. He nudged it forward a fraction, pressing teasingly at the hole. Joker wrapped his legs around Batman's waist and tried to pull him closer.

Joker caught his eye again. "C'mon, Batsy" he repeated.

Batman took a deep breath, and in one quick thrust he slid into Joker's tight heat. Chest to chest, he leaned down and swallowed Joker's gasp with a kiss; even with the preparation, Batman knew this had to be uncomfortable the first time, and no matter what Joker asked for, Batman wasn't going to hurt him on purpose…much.

Joker's arms encircled Batman's armored chest, pulling him even closer. He latched onto Batman's bottom lip and bit it hard enough that Batsy wouldn't try moving anything anytime soon—not because of the pain down below, which actually wasn't as bad as he'd expected, but because Batman was inside of him and on top of him and all around him and it was the best thing he'd ever felt. He wanted to savor this moment and catalogue it in his memory for the rest of his life because what could ever measure up to this?

Batsy's armor was hard and cool against his chest, tempering the fire of Joker's body heat. He had Batsy's lip prisoner between his teeth, and Batsy's cock filling him inside, and Batsy's right hand tangled in his hair, and Batsy's left hand carefully stroking up and down his side. He had everything, and Batsy was everywhere, and it was glorious but dear god it was almost too much, like staring into the sun.

Joker finally released Batman's abused lip and kissed him deeply, tentatively rocking forward as Batman let out the filthy moan he'd been holding in ever since pressing inside his enemy.

It shouldn't be this good; this was the Joker—the mass-murdering psychopath who destroyed lives and plunged Gotham into chaos on a regular basis, who kidnapped a bus full of children to get Batman here in the first place—and it was obscene that it should feel this amazing to be inside him.

"Move," Joker said, finally detaching his tongue from Batsy's long enough to form words. "Quit treating me like I'm going to break."

Batman rolled his eyes, barely refraining from snapping then quit acting like it. He nipped at Joker's lip before slowly pulling most of the way out and thrusting back in hard and fast. "That better?" he asked, fighting the urge to moan like a porn star at how mindblowingly perfect it felt slamming into his enemy like that.

"Fuck, yes," Joker moaned, his hands twisting into the bed sheets.

Batman set a brutal rhythm, never ignoring Joker's gasps of "more" and "harder" and "faster" and "Batsy."

Joker reached down to stroke himself, but Batman caught his hands and pinned them down beside Joker's head, entwining their fingers. Joker growled in frustration, but Batman growled back, "No—just from me," and kissed him deeply as he shifted his thrusts to the angle he'd discovered while preparing Joker, and started pounding into that special spot every time. Joker threw his head back in ecstasy, clutching Batsy's hands in his own and rocking his hips up to meet each thrust.

Batman was close to losing it, but he wanted to make sure Joker came first. He wasn't sure why—maybe it had something to do with their rivalry, or maybe the combination of being slightly buzzed and engulfed in the tightest ass he'd ever stuck his dick into just made him really generous in bed—he didn't know or care. But he was pretty sure he knew exactly what would do the trick.

Batman pulled out and paused for a second—just long enough to get Joker's attention. When Joker's eyes met his, Batman leaned down and whispered "You complete me," in his ear, bit his earlobe hard, and slammed back in at that perfect angle.

Joker moaned as his orgasm sent shocks of ecstasy through every nerve, and his release splashed across Batman's armored abdomen. Batman wasn't far behind—seeing Joker come undone like that, feeling Joker shuddering beneath him, his inner muscles clenching and contracting even tighter around Batman's cock—Batman managed a few more thrusts before he was spilling out inside of Joker and everything was bliss.

Neither of them moved right away; they laid there in silence and tried to catch their breath. Batman hadn't even pulled out yet. He started to, but Joker turned his head and suddenly they were nose-to-nose and sharing breath, and for a moment they just stared at each other.

"So," Batman said, breaking the silence before it could turn awkward, "was that worth all the trouble to get me here?"

Joker grinned and snaked a hand behind Batman's neck to pull him down into a kiss that left them both breathless again. "Damn straight it was," he said.

Batman rolled his eyes at the choice of words and said, "Can I have my dick back now? Cause I'm kind of attached to it."

Joker chuckled and let go of Batman so he could pull out. Batman tucked himself back into his boxers and rolled over to lie on his back beside Joker, who made no move to recover any of his clothing. Small bruises were already showing on Joker's hips, where Batman's fingers had gripped him.

Batman didn't want to be caught staring, so he turned his head, and was reaching for the bottle of scotch on the nightstand before he even consciously decided to. He took a drink, then offered it to Joker.

"Drink?"

Joker took a drink and handed it back. Batman was lifting the bottle to his lips for a second time when Joker said, "Isn't there a law against drinking with your rape panel open?"

Batman was glad he hadn't already taken another drink, because it would've went up his nose and burned like hell when he snorted and burst out laughing. Joker laughed too, and after a few seconds of digging, he managed to find the so-called rape panel among the sheets.

"Found it," he announced, sitting up with a slight wince. "Crisis averted," he said, placing the panel in Batman's lap and trying to figure out how it reattached. "How d'you—?"

"Give me that." Batman swatted Joker's hands away and reattached the panel himself.

"Ah, I see," Joker said, smirking a little before finally moving to reclaim his boxers from where they were hanging on the lava lamp. "I'll remember that next time you have me up against a wall."

Batman frowned and took another drink of the scotch. Was that what this was—some sort of convoluted recon? In some future fight, would Joker go oh look, Batsy has me cornered, let's pop open that armor and distract him with a blowjob? And speaking of future fights, how was Batman ever supposed to strike him or hold him down without remembering how amazing it felt to be inside of him? Maybe that was Joker's goal all along.

"I hope you're not under the delusion that I'm going to stop throwing your ass in jail whenever you terrorize my city, because of this," Batman said, as Joker climbed back into the bed wearing those ridiculous bat-signal boxers.

Joker's eyes narrowed a bit. His city? But that was an argument for another time, so he replied, "As long as you're not expecting me to turn into some born-again do-gooder." He smiled. "Besides, I think we've found something better to do with my ass that's more fun for both of us."

Batman didn't reply, but he didn't refuse when Joker leaned in for a brief kiss.

"I think you have a phone call to make," Batman said against his lips.

"Hmmm?" Joker was so close that when he went after his scars, he ended up licking Batsy's lips along with his own.

"You're going to release one of those kids now. Right?" Batman added, more of a threat than an actual question.

"Of course," Joker said. "I'm a man of my word."

Batman chuckled. "A broken record is what you are."

Joker shoved him, but without any real force behind it. "Give me the phone."

Joker swiped the scotch off the nightstand and took another drink, waiting for Batman to hand over the cell phone. When he did, Joker dialed the number and waited while it rang.

"Put it on speaker," Batman said.

Joker ignored him, keeping the phone to his ear. He suddenly furrowed his brow and smirked a little.

"What?" Batman asked.

"I dialed wrong—it's a Chinese place. You hungry?"

"Give me that," Batman snapped, lunging forward. Joker held the phone out of reach, but Batman was going for the bottle of scotch. "I think you've had enough." He twisted the cap onto the bottle and shoved it back in the drawer.

Joker rolled his eyes—he was perfectly fine, thank you very much—before standing and moving out of Batsy's reach. "Yes, I would like to place an order—ten thousand egg rolls and a side of rice, deliverable to Commissioner Gordon, at the Major Crimes Unit building downtown. He'll pay cash. By the way, there's a bomb in your kitchen. Yeah. Buh-bye."

"Stop fucking around and make the call," Batman said, starting to get irritated.

"All right, all right," Joker said, pulling up the call history and selecting the number from earlier rather than trying to dial it again from memory. "Keep your pants on—" he pushed send, "Or, ya know, don't," he waggled his eyebrows at Batsy, eliciting that little half-smile he loved to put on Batsy's face. Joker even put the call on speakerphone without making Batsy ask again.

"Hello?"

"Brocko, how's it hanging?" Joker greeted, pacing at the end of the bed. Batman's gauntlets had ended up on the floor there, and Joker kicked one over to Batman, who scowled a little but put it on. The other, Joker picked up and slid onto his own arm, just for the hell of it, holding it in front of his face and flexing his fingers, smiling slightly.

"Boss? That you?"

"Obviously," Joker said, rolling his eyes and tossing Batman an exasperated look that said, henchmen these days. "Ya know the little girl I talked to earlier? Rachel? Let her go, unharmed, and—just cause I'm feeling generous, give 'er a thousand bucks. For emotional trauma or whatever. Kay?"

Batman glanced at him in surprise.

There was a long pause, then the henchman cautiously asked, "Is everything okay, Boss? You seem—different."

Joker chuckled. "That's cause I just got spectacularly laid, and everything's kinda awesome right now."

Another pause. "I thought you were with Batman?"

Batman paled and started silently gesturing and mouthing something Joker didn't bother to pay attention to. Joker smirked and waved a dismissive (and gauntleted) hand at Batman.

"I don't pay you to think, Brock. Just let the kid go."

"Okay, Boss," the henchman agreed, then added petulantly, "and my name is Gary."

"Whatever, Steve," Joker said, and hung up.

He glanced back at Batman, who still looked unnerved. "I wasn't going to tell him," Joker said, rolling his eyes before glancing around the room. "Where are my pants?" Batman had most of his armor back on, but Joker was still just in his boxers and one of Batman's gauntlets.

"Never mind that," Batman said, moving to the edge of the bed. "Come here."

Joker appraised him warily before deciding to comply. As soon as he was in reach, Batman grabbed Joker's hips and pulled him down into his lap for a very deep and thorough kiss. Joker moaned a little and wrapped his arms around Batman's neck.

"Thank you," Batman murmured, so quiet that Joker almost didn't catch it. His hands rubbed Joker's lower back as Joker pulled back slightly to meet his eye.

"You thought I'd renege?"

"I thought you'd throw in some sick, last-minute twist once you got what you wanted."

"The night's still young," Joker teased.

Joker removed Batman's gauntlet, and held it up for Batman to slide his own arm back into. Ta-da, Batsuit complete.

"Good," Batman replied, "then you have time to answer a few questions."

"Such as?" Joker raised an eyebrow. He didn't move from his perch in Batman's lap; he rather liked it there.

"Was this ever really supposed to be a threesome?"

"Course not," Joker scoffed.

"Then why tell me that? And why have Harley here?"

Joker half-shrugged, licking at his scars. "To, uh, kill two birds with one rocket launcher. Figured you'd agree quicker if there was a girl involved. And Harley needed to get over her stupid delusional crush on me—guess I gave her too much credit thinking she could take the damn hint."

"I thought you wanted her to be head over heels for you?"

"When I needed a way out of Arkham, sure. But after that—have you ever, I dunno, rewired a lamp or something, but you overdo some part of it and then you plug it back in and the light bulb explodes?" he asked, miming an explosion with his hands.

Batman smiled a little, and it wasn't at all because he found Joker's animated gesturing endearing. "So you brainwashed her too well, and now she's more trouble than she's worth?"

"Mmm. She used to be useful, but now all she does is try to 'seduce' me," he shuddered.

"Like you don't love the attention."

"There's attention, and then there's waking up to her at the end of my bed watching me sleep and touching herself until her fingers get all pruney."

"That's—ugh."

"Yeah."

A pause.

"Ugh!"

"I know! And people call me creepy."

"Why haven't you killed her already?" Batman blurted. "I mean—not that I'm suggesting it, but, you know," he trailed off awkwardly.

"Ehh," Joker shrugged, "I dunno—she's like the kid you'd have cause you think it'd be fun, and it'll turn out just like you, and you'll get a tax deduction—but then you realize it was a shitty idea and start wishing you'd had an abortion instead."

"That's horrible."

"I know—I didn't even get the tax deduction!"

"You don't pay taxes."

"Prove it."

"Hey Joker?"

"Hmm?"

Batman smirked. "Shhhh!" he hissed, and leaned forward to silence those lips with his own. It was supposed to be a quick kiss, just to shut him up—no, really—but neither of their tongues had gotten that memo.

Batman caught a sudden whiff of gasoline, and irrationally wondered whether Joker wore a dab of it like cologne. Seemed like the kind of thing he'd do. But that didn't make sense—Batman would've smelled it earlier.

Batman pulled away and opened his mouth but Joker interrupted.

"How 'bout round two, hmm? Let's go."

There was a click from somewhere behind them, and their heads turned in unison.

"The two of you ain't going anywhere," Harley snarled from the doorway, a gun in one hand and a lighter in the other, "except hell!"

A/N: Heads up: the next chapter will be the last one, unless I go completely insane and decide to extend the story.

Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, faved, followed, and generally supported this story!