The past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. Ever since Brittany and Kelly broke up, things between us have gotten back to normal… well, normal for the most part.
After she apologized for acting all psycho at the party, I forgave her and that was the end of that. However, I'm still so confused as to why she acted that way to begin with. For a moment there, I thought that she might actually have feelings for me too, but when I confronted her about being jealous, she denied it.
And as far as the almost kiss... we never talked about that or what it would've meant if we did kiss. When Britt started to lean in, I froze. My brain couldn't compute that this might actually happen so I just stood there in shock. Subconsciously, I licked my lips in preparation, but it was in vain.
Again, this was one of those instances where my mind leads me to believe that Brittany actually likes me. But of course, something always happens to open up my eyes and assure me that she will never feel the same way.
I just don't know what to think anymore.
It's a typical Wednesday night. I'm sitting in my room with my headphones on, going over my notes for the AP Calculus exam I have tomorrow. As I reach the end of my notes, I get a surprise visit from Sam and Mercedes.
"What up Specs!" Mercedes greets me.
"Hey guys, what are you up to?" I ponder as I remove my ear buds.
"We were thinkin' of hitting the up the movies and wanted to see if you wanted to join us," Mercedes responds.
"Yeah, we're gonna go see Catching Fire again," Sam adds in. "Katniss is so hot!"
"Yeah... I can't argue with you on that," I reply, flashing a half-smile.
"So, whataya say?"
"Gee, I don't know guys... I have a big AP Calc test tomorrow."
"Please... don't pretend like you actually have to study," the diva interrupts. "You and I both know that you're more intelligent than the old bag that teaches your class."
Again… I can't argue with that.
My AP Calc teacher is older than dirt and I could probably teach the class with my eyes closed. I already have all of the formulas memorized and I know I'll do fine on the test tomorrow. However, just because I'm naturally smart, I'm not arrogant enough to just blow off studying.
"Who else is going?"
"Brittany was gonna be our next stop," Mercedes answers.
Already I feel my heart rate start to increase. I guess I didn't hide my change in demeanor very well.
"Okay, what's going on San?" Sam asks concerned.
"What do you mean?"
"Just now, when I mentioned Britt's name... you got this weird look on your face," he responds. "What's going on with you guys?"
"Nothing," I reply a little too quickly.
"Nothing my ass!" Mercedes scoffs. "You guys have been off since Kelly came into the picture. I'm guessing you still haven't told her how you feel?"
No answer.
"San, what's the problem?" Sam questions. "Are you not going to tell her?"
I shrug my shoulders.
"Why not?"
"Cuz... Brittany doesn't feel the same way as me," I sadly answer. "I'm not gonna risk our friendship over my stupid feelings."
"What makes you think that she doesn't feel the same way about you?" Mercedes questions in a softer tone than I'm usual. It's kinda weird cuz I'm used to her being loud and snarky, but she seems genuinely concerned about me and my love life.
"I told you, I just know…" I respond. "Brittany is perfect; I'm just her geeky little sidekick. Why would she ever be interested in someone like me?"
"San... you're an amazing girl. I don't know why you think so low of yourself, especially when it comes to Brittany," Sam assures.
"Look at me compared to her last girlfriend... we're completely different," I try to reason with him. "I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not Brittany's type."
"Girl, stop trying to compare yourself with Kelly. You're nothing like her... you're better," Mercedes simply says. "Sure, on the outside, Kelly might be super-hot and popular, but on the inside... she was a straight up bitch!"
This makes me smile.
"Look guys, I really appreciate the pep talk but it's just not gonna happen," I state. "Even if by some weird twist of fate Brittany did have feelings for me, I don't wanna be her rebound. I think that would hurt way worse if we got together and she still wasn't over Kelly yet."
"San, honey... I don't think Kelly is an issue anymore, but I understand if you'd rather keep things the way they are now," Mercedes politely responds. "We just don't like seeing you when you're hurting..."
"I appreciate it guys, I really do..." I reply with a small smile. "I just need to figure out a way to get over these feelings and make things go back to normal."
"Well, you know we're always here if you need to talk."
"Yeah, I know... thanks guys."
Unbeknownst to Santana, a similar conversation was taking place next door at her blonde counterpart's house.
"So, have you talked to Kelly recently?" Rachel asks.
"No. She called me the day after we broke up, asking me to forgive her and if we could get back together..."
"What did you say?" Mike asks.
"I told her to lose my number," Brittany smirks in response.
"Good for you, Britt!" Mike exclaims. "You know I don't like to pry, but that girl was bad news. You deserve so much better."
"Thanks Mikey!"
"Speaking of better options... what's up you and San?" Rachel questions.
"Nothing's up. Why do you ask?"
"Here we go again..." Rachel says exasperatedly as she throws her hands into the air.
"I think what Rach is trying to say is... do you like Santana?" Mike interprets.
"Of course I like her... she's my best friend," Brittany responds dumbly, knowing exactly what the Asian boy meant.
"Britt, c'mon... you know that's not what I meant," Mike states as Rachel rolls her eyes behind him.
"I mean, I don't know... I've never really thought about her like that," Brittany states honestly. "She's always just been San to me..."
"I get that, but you gotta admit... things haven't been the same between you two since the whole Kelly thing," Mike explains. "Like when we were at that party and you dragged San away when she was talking to Quinn..."
Brittany slightly flinches at the mention of the other blonde's name.
"Yeah, about that... do you not like Quinn or something?" Rachel questions.
"Why would I not like your girlfriend?" Brittany lamely counters.
"I don't know, but you did seem to be a little jealous when San was talking to her at that party. We all noticed it," Rachel explains.
Brittany doesn't say anything. She just stands there, picking at her nails as she looks at the ground.
"Britt... were you jealous?" Mike softly asks.
"I don't know... maybe?" Brittany responds, sounding very unsure of herself. "I didn't know that she and San were old friends. I thought she was flirting with San and that didn't sit well with me. I'm sorry Rach."
"Sweetie, it's okay," little Streisand says, wrapping her arm around Brittany's shoulders from the side. "At least now that explains why you haven't really given Quinn a chance to get to know you. Santana was probably just doing me a favor and finding out a little more about her on my behalf since I would've been way too chicken to do it myself."
"I thought she was flirting with Quinn. When I confronted her on it, she didn't exactly say no..."
"And how did that make you feel?" Rachel inquires.
"Not great. It's part of the reason Kelly and I got into an argument that night and broke up. There were some other things that were brought to my attention that night as well, but it just all became too much. I thought I was gonna explode."
Up until this point, this is the most that Brittany has told her friends about why she and Kelly broke up. She knows that she can trust them and be completely open about the horrible things Kelly said and how she was just using her, but Brittany decides that she rather not dwell on it and just move on.
"Did you tell Santana that?" Mike asks.
"No... I mean, we did talk the next day when I apologized to her for acting so crazy. And then..."
Brittany pauses, remembering the almost kiss that followed her apology.
"And then... what?" Rachel pushes.
"Uh... we kinda, almost kissed..."
"What?!" Rachel and Mike say in unison.
"Yeah..."
"Okay, spill it Pierce!" Rachel demands.
"Nothing happened..." Brittany begins. "San was explaining how Quinn wasn't flirting with her cuz she was asking about you. So then, I asked her if she liked girls and she gave me a vague response that didn't exactly give me a direct yes or no," she continues. "I don't know… after that, we just stared at each other. Just as our lips were getting closer to each other, you guys showed up for movie night..."
"Oh... our bad," Rachel states.
"We haven't talked about it since. We've just kinda acted like it never happened..."
"So, what does that mean exactly?" Mike asks.
"Yeah, cuz it sounds like you like her," Rachel chimes in.
"I think about her a lot; but after the whole Kelly thing, I'm just so confused about everything," Brittany sincerely states. "I don't wanna drag San into my craziness when I'm still trying to figure myself out. Besides, who's to say that she actually likes me like that?"
Rachel and Mike share a look between each other.
"Why would you think that?"
"Well... I'm out so it's not like she would have to be afraid that I'd be disgusted or something if she told me that she had feelings for me," Brittany replies.
"True, but you know that Santana isn't cynical enough to think that just because you like girls - and she just so happens to be one - that you'll like her by default," Rachel explains.
"I don't know... I just don't wanna make things weird or awkward between us," Brittany explains. "We're finally starting to get back to how we used to be. I don't wanna risk that on a 'what if' situation."
"Understandable... I just don't want you guys to possibly miss out on something amazing," Mike simply says.
"I guess I just think of it this way... if San and I are meant to be more than friends, then it will happen when it's supposed to," Brittany confidently states. "If something were to happen between us, I want it to be perfect and not rushed."
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Rachel says.
After their individual pep talks, Sam and Mercedes meet up with Rachel and Mike to discuss their other two friends.
"I tell ya... those girls are in some deep denial!" Mercedes exclaims as she begins to rub her temples.
"I agree... for two incredibly bright young ladies, they are both completely idiotic when it comes to their feeling for each other," Rachel adds in.
"At least Brittany seems to be open to the idea in the future," Mike chimes in. "I think it's very mature of her to not want to rush into another relationship without figuring some stuff out first."
"And Santana is just scared of losing her best friend," Sam says. "Can you really blame her though, especially after seeing how much her relationship with Kelly affected their friendship?"
"I agree with Sam," Mercedes states. "I know I give Specs a hard time, but I would never want to push her into something she's not prepared for."
"So we shouldn't just lock both of them in a room and tell them that they like each other?" Rachel questions. "It seems like it would be so much easier and solve this problem."
"It would be easier, but I think they both just need some time," Mike answers.
"Ahh... these two give me a damn headache," Mercedes exclaims.
It's a Sunday night and I have nothing to do. I've already finished my homework that I was assigned over the weekend and I don't have any tests coming up this week. I'm literally bored out of my mind.
As I look outside my window and into Brittany's across the way, I see her dancing around her room without a care in the world. She's so light on her feet and moves so effortlessly. Watching her dance is definitely one of my favorite things. I could be hanging out with Britt right now but I think being alone with her would make it a bit more difficult with my whole plan of trying to "get over" her.
I meant what I said earlier this week when I talked to Sam and Mercedes. I don't want to spend less time with Brittany, but at this point in time, I think it's the only way I can get rid of these feelings I have for her.
AAAHHHH!
Thinking about Brittany makes my head hurt. Oddly enough, trying to not think about her makes it hurt even worse.
"Why don't you be my girlfriend? I'll treat ya good..." I sing along as I carelessly strum my guitar. "I know you hear your friends when they say you should..."
Knock... knock... knock...
"Hope I wasn't interrupting anything..." Sam politely states as he steps into my room.
"Naw... I was just reminiscing about the good ol' days when *Nsync was still together," I coolly respond, placing my guitar against my desk.
"So that song had nothing to do with the cute little blonde that lives right next door?" Sam questions as he nods his head towards Brittany's house. I don't make eye contact with him. Instead, I just shake my head and begin fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "Right..."
"So, Trouty... what brings you to my neck of the woods?" I ask, trying to deflect the heat off of me.
"Wow... I must've really hit a sore spot," Sam faintly replies as he places his hand over his heart. "Usually Mercedes is the only one that makes fun of my big guppy lips."
"Sorry... I've just really been having a hard time with all of these feelings."
"It's all good... I figured as much," he states with a small smile. "Look San... I know we kinda promised to lay off you with all of the Brittany stuff, but I think not telling her is a mistake."
I look at Sam with questioning eyes. I guess I just don't understand why he's been pushing the issue so much.
"I feel like if you don't tell her, you'll end up missing out on something great," he continues. "I just don't want you to be sad and possibly regret not going after the girl you want, especially if she starts dating someone else."
I think long and hard about Sam's words. Deep in my heart, I know that Britt and I would be amazing together. However, is it worth risking our friendship if she doesn't feel the same? Is being silent worth watching my heart break when the next girl comes along and sweeps her off her feet because I was too much of a coward to do it myself?
"I'm sorry to bring it up again," Sam sincerely states.
"It's ok..." I respond. "I know you're right... I'm just scared of losing my best friend."
"How bout we jam out and forget about all of this for a little while?" Sam suggests. I nod my head at the idea. "Cool, you pick the song."
As I rack my brain for possible song choices, I look down at my shirt and she the red and yellow "S" prominently displayed against the royal blue background. I pick my guitar back up and start lightly strumming a melody.
She's watching the taxi driver
He pulls away…
She's been locked up inside her apartment
A hundred days...
Sam smiles as he hears me sing the first few lyrics. He then takes over.
She says, "Yeah... he's still coming, just a little bit late...
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape"
I smile back at him and sing my part.
She's just watching the clouds roll by
And they spell her name, like Lois Lane
And she smiles...
Oh, the way she smiles
We then sing the chorus together, going back and forth.
She's talking to angels
She's counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She's dancing with strangers
She's falling apart...
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah... (2x)
She's waiting for Superman...
I'm so completely lost in the music that I don't even notice Brittany staring at us from her window.
To lift her up...
And take her anywhere
Show her love...
And flying through the air
Save her now, before it's too late tonight
Oh, at the speed of light
I finally look out my window and find Brittany's eyes with mine.
And she smiles...
Almost as if she could read my lips, Brittany gives me a big toothy grin that melts my heart.
As Sam and I finish up the song, I feel so much better about the situation.
"I think I'm in love with her..." I say to no one in particular.
"Oh shit... that's kinda serious San," Sam replies in shock.
"Yeah... I know," I respond with a faraway look. "I'm gonna tell her..."
"Like, for real for real?" Sam says as his eyes light up.
"Yeah, for real... on one condition," I strategically reply.
"What's that?" Sam cautiously inquires.
"You have to tell Cedes that you like her..." I say in a serious tone.
"W-what are you talking about?" Sam stutters out.
"C'mon Sam, I know you've got a thing for her," I reply knowingly. "You spend more time with her than anyone else in our group. Besides, that whole speech about regretting if I didn't tell her seemed like it was coming from a more personal place."
"Is it that obvious?" Sam shyly asks.
"Yeah, a little bit," I answer back. Sam's face falls slightly. "Don't worry... she likes you too," I reassure him. "Why do you think she bust your balls so much all of the time?"
This seems to make him smile.
"She acts like a heartless bitch 99% of the time..." Sam starts out, "but then... there's that 1% of her that's just awesome and sweet. I see hints of it sometimes when she's defending her friends or talking about her family. I don't know... maybe I could show her that it's okay to let that 1% shine."
As Sam speaks so highly of the resident bitch of our group, I can't help but feel in awe.
"Aww, Sammy... you really care about her, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do..." he replies as he ducks his head. "I see how Mike looks at Tina, how giddy Rachel gets when Quinn's name is mentioned; hell, I even see how your eyes light up whenever Britt walks into a room..." the blonde boy continues. "I just want someone special too; I want that person to be Mercedes."
"I think you guys will make an awesome couple," I exclaim. "When do you think you'll tell her?"
"I don't know... when are you gonna tell Brittany?"
I ponder over when would be the best time to tell Brittany about my feelings and exactly what I'm even going to say to her. My mind is drawing blanks. All I can see is me standing in front of Brittany, profusely sweating, as she stares at me, waiting for the words to come out of my mouth.
"How bout this... after school tomorrow, I'll talk to Mercedes and you'll talk to Britt?" Sam suggests.
"Okay..." I slowly breathe out. Apparently I had been holding my breath.
"Alrighty, then it's set!" Sam says excitedly. "Tomorrow, we're both getting our girls!"
Sam then raises his hand, which I feel compelled to meet with mine in a high five.
Tomorrow's gonna be a good day. Tomorrow... I'll finally tell my best friend - aka the girl of my dreams - that I'm crazy about her.
A couple of hours after Sam left, I sat in room, racking my brain for the perfect way to tell Brittany how I feel. As the minutes tick by, I feel myself getting less anxious and more excited about the possibility of Brittany being my girlfriend.
Hmm… maybe I could put it in a song? Brittany really likes it when I sing to her. Yeah… that sounds like a good idea. But… what song?
"She was like… oh my God, this is my song! I've been listenin' to the radio all night long," I playfully sing along as I lazily graze my fingers against the chords of my guitar. "Sittin' 'round waitin' for it to come on… and here it is."
Knock… knock… knock…
I feel like I'm experiencing déjà vu.
As I look up, I see my mother standing in the doorway of my room.
"Hey mama, what's up?" I casually ask.
"I need to talk to you," she responds in a very serious tone.
I immediately put down my guitar and give her my undivided attention. I have no idea what she needs to discuss with me, but it sounds really important. Usually my mom is so busy with work stuff whenever she's at home that I rarely get to spend any real quality time with her. To be honest, I didn't even know that she was home. When you're a surgeon, there's no telling how long you'll be at the hospital on a day-to-day basis.
"Mama, is everything okay?" I ask, suddenly worried about whatever it is that's bothering her. I try to decipher the expression on her face, but have zero luck figuring it out.
"That depends…" she responds vaguely.
"On?" I answer back.
"On whether or not my ears were deceiving me earlier…" she replies.
"I'm not following… Mom, please tell me what's wrong," I plead.
"I overheard your conversation with Samuel earlier…"
"What about my co—" I stop mid-sentence once I realize the topic of our discussion… Brittany.
Holy shit! My mom knows about my feelings for Brittany!
As I slowly make eye contact with my mom, the look on her face speaks volumes.
"Mom… I was gonna tell you and Dad, I swear!" I state, hoping that she won't be too mad that I didn't share this information with her earlier. "I just kinda figured out my feelings for myself and whether I was gonna do anything about them, otherwise I would've already told you."
My mom is silent for a moment. I can't tell what's going on inside her head, but I'm kinda terrified to find out.
"So… it's true then?" my mom questions.
"Yeah… I'm in love with Brittany," I admit aloud for the second time in the past few hours. It feels good to say out loud.
Again, my mom says nothing for a few moments.
"No…"
"No?" I question.
"No," she repeats again, harsher than the first time. "That will not be tolerated in this house."
"You… what? What are you saying?"
I'm so confused by my mother's response that I'm barely making any sense myself.
"I knew that Pierce girl was trouble," my mom mumbles under her breath.
"Mom… you're not making any sense."
I mean, seriously… the word trouble and Brittany don't even belong in the same sentence.
"You will not bring shame to our family!" my mother yells at me, startling me. "This is an abomination and a sin in His eyes."
I'm sorry… since when did my mother become a Bible thumper?
That's what I want to say to her, but she's still my mother and an adult, so I try my best to tread lightly and not be disrespectful. Honestly though, I can't remember the last time we went to church as a family.
"Since when do you have a problem with gay people?" I inquire, still trying to piece together how we ended up here. "When I first told you Brittany was gay, you were fine with it. What changed?"
"Brittany is not my daughter…" she replies as if it's the most obvious thing.
"Oh, I get it now… you were cool with Britt being gay, just as long as it didn't directly affect you," I retort, feeling myself getting worked up. "For someone who always taught me to be open and accepting, don't you think you're being a little hypocritical now?"
As the words leave my mouth, not even a split-second passes by as I feel a stinging pain on the left side of my cheek. As I rub my hand against my cheek, I can't believe that my mother just slapped me. I'm trying hard not to cry, but the pain hurts so much.
"You will not talk to me in that manner!" my mother finally replies. "If that's the type of lifestyle you choose to live, then you'll have to fine somewhere else to do it. It will not be accepted here!"
Without another word, she leaves my room, stern expression still intact. I don't know what the hell just happened, but I'm scared. My mom has never hit me before… I've never given her a reason to. Just hours ago, I finally gained enough confidence to express my deepest feelings to Brittany. But now… I'm not so sure what to do. Based on what just took place with my mom, I feel like if I tell Brittany, my mother will hate me.
As a million things run through my head, I finally let the tears fall from my eyes as I curl up into a little ball on my bed.
Where did everything go so wrong?
Author's Note:
Hey guys… I'm back! Sorry about the lack of interaction between Santana and Brittany and for the drama at the end. I know it sucks, but every story needs a little angst (and somebody's gotta be the bad guy). Plus, I was trying to give you a little more insight into how both girls were handling the situation and why they've been reluctant to tell each other how they feel. Hope you found some of the happier parts enjoyable.
Till next time,
-Kris
Songs Used:
Girlfriend by *Nsync
Waiting for Superman by Daughtry
Play it Again by Luke Bryan
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!