It's been 4 weeks, 2 days, and 15 hours since I've seen or heard from Brittany.
It's been 4 weeks, 2 days, and 15 hours since I kissed my best friend and left town.
I don't even know why I did it.
Okay... that's a lie.
I've wanted to kiss Brittany for so long. I've wanted to tell her about my inner most feelings for her, but because of events beyond my control... I couldn't. Honestly, I didn't know - and still don't know - when I'll see Brittany again. I'm afraid that she'll forget about me and move on with her life, leaving me behind (even though I'm the one that technically left). I'm afraid that I'll never see her again or get to hear the sound of her angelic voice. I'm afraid that I'll never get to link her pinkie with mine or hold her in my arms again.
As I got closer to my dad's car, all of those things were running through my head. Since I had already lost my mom and the place I called home for over a decade, in that moment... I felt like I had nothing left to lose. Even if Brittany didn't feel anything and never wanted to speak to me again, at least I could look back and say I tried. Even if I didn't have the guts to tell her how in love with her I am, at least I can say that my very first kiss was special because it was with the girl that meant the world to me.
True to my word, I called Brittany when we arrived in Seattle. She didn't answer. I called her the very next day as well. Still no answer. I called and/or texted Brittany every day after that, but still never received a response.
For 4 weeks, 2 days, and 15 hours, I've tried to get ahold of my best friend to no avail. I get it... she's pissed and doesn't want to talk to me. I've talked to my other friends to check in on them and they've all been saying the same thing... she just needs time.
Sam offered to talk to Brittany and even suggested that he tell her about my feelings to maybe open up the lines of communication between us. I told him that I appreciated it, but this would have to be something that I dealt with on my own.
Instead of dwelling on the negative, I asked Sam how things were going between him and Mercedes. It was sweet and endearing to hear him gush over the resident badass of our group. I'm really happy for both of them, even though I'm saddened by my lack of communication with Brittany.
As for the rest of the group, all of them seemed to be doing well with their significant others. Everybody's happy but me...
Great... now I sound like a bad country song.
Brittany had been in a state of shock since the night Santana left. She was already incredibly sad that her best friend was moving away, but after that kiss... she was left even more confused about her own feelings. After that, Brittany became a little withdrawn and less talkative. It was clear that she had a lot on her mind, but clearly she wasn't ready to talk about it.
Brittany couldn't decipher what exactly the kiss meant, which drove her crazy. Did Santana have feelings for her? Or was the kiss some type of permanent goodbye? Whatever the reason for the kiss was, it angered Brittany that she could not discuss it face-to-face with Santana. It angered her that her best friend gave her the most amazing feeling in the world and then disappeared.
As much as Brittany wanted to talk to her Santana, she couldn't. She was still way too upset and confused to talk to the Latina about her feelings about the whole situation. As much as her friends and family tried to encourage her to at least call Santana back and hear her out, Brittany just couldn't fold that easily.
At the end of the first week of Junior year, Brittany arrives home after a short volleyball practice to find her mother waiting for her in the kitchen.
"Hey sweetie, how was your first week?" Mrs. Pierce ponders.
"It was okay," Brittany nonchalantly replies with a shrug of her shoulders.
Mrs. Pierce had started becoming used to Brittany's lack of words or feelings recently. She felt bad for her daughter and wanted to help her; she just didn't know how to. Mrs. Pierce knew that. Brittany was struggling with Santana being gone, but her daughter refused to open up.
"Santana called again..." Mrs. Pierce softly says.
Brittany's face remains unchanged as she grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge.
"I think I'm gonna go start on my homework," Brittany replies, completing disregarding her mother's previous statement.
As Brittany turns to walk out of the kitchen, her mother lightly grabs her wrist.
"Honey... I know that you're hurting and probably really confused about this whole situation, but you can't just ignore it forever," Mrs. Pierce tries to reason with her daughter.
"I know you're right Mom... I just don't even know where to begin."
Seeing that this is the longest response that she has received from her daughter since Santana left, Mrs. Pierce decides that it's good enough and and releases Brittany's wrist.
Once Brittany is in the safety of her own room, she curls up on her bed, hugging a familiar hoodie closely to her chest. As she looks up towards the ceiling, watching the blades of the fan spin, she thinks about the words her mom just said to her. Refusing to talk to Santana had been the hardest thing Brittany has ever done, but she felt that she needed to do it. No matter how desperately she wanted to hear the sultry and raspy voice of her best friend, Brittany was still so angry at her for leaving the way she did.
As Brittany closes her eyes, she relives that very moment that her friendship with Santana drastically changed.
She remembers the tingling her lips felt as soon as they were pressed up against the Latina's. She remembers the shiver that ran through her body as Santana tightened her grip on her face to pull her closer. She remembers feeling Santana's hot breath on her lips as she broke their kiss. She remembers missing the warmth of her best friend as she walked away from her. She remembers the feeling of emptiness that rose as she watched Santana disappear from her very eyes.
The sound of a light tapping against her door breaks Brittany away from her deep thoughts. As Brittany looks up, she sees a blonde ponytail peeking through the doorway.
"Hey Britt... mind if I come in?" Lindsay asks.
"Sure," Brittany responds.
As Lindsay makes her way over to edge of the bed, Brittany sits up from her previous position.
"What are you up to?" Lindsay ponders.
"Nothing much," Brittany replies back. "How does it feel to be in high school now?"
"It's not too bad, I suppose," Lindsay answers with a shrug. "There are a lot more clubs and electives to choose from, but I'm back at the bottom of the food chain."
"That'll wear off after a while," Brittany assures. "Besides, you got me and my friends to look after you."
"Thanks, Britt... I appreciate that," Lindsay says as she playfully bumps into her sister's shoulder.
A small smile appears on Brittany's face. Since it's been quite a while since anyone's witnessed a smile on the blonde's face, Lindsay takes this as a good sign and seizes the opportunity.
"Y'know when you first came out, I didn't really care about you being gay. But, once you started dating and more people found out... I didn't like it," Lindsay starts off. As Brittany gives her a questioning look, the younger blonde continues. "I didn't like it cuz it started affecting ME negatively. Kids at school started teasing me and my so-called friends avoided me cuz they were afraid of "catching" the gay... their words, not mine."
"Linds... why didn't you ever say anything?" Brittany asks with a very concerned look.
"Cuz I sorta blamed you for all of it. I even wished that you would've stayed in the closet at one point," Lindsay admits. As Brittany's eyebrows scrunch up and a saddened expression appears over her features, Lindsay continues. "I know it was foolish and super selfish of me, but I couldn't help but be a little resentful. I felt like I was the one being punished for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me."
"Wow... I don't even know what to say to that," Brittany says aloud.
"You know the reason why I stopped being so stupid and selfish?" Lindsay asks. Once Brittany shakes her head no, she continues. "It was because of Santana..."
Once again, Brittany is unsure of what her sister is talking about or why she's even telling her about this.
"Santana reminded me of how brave and courageous you were to come out and be true to yourself," Lindsay picks back up. "She also showed me how ignorant kids are these days and why I shouldn't waste my time putting any weight into what they say."
"Why are you telling me all of this?" Brittany finally asks.
"Because... Santana is the reason why I finally pulled my head out of my ass," Lindsay responds. "She's the reason why I decided not to let some stupid ass kids ruin my relationship with you because My life got a little harder."
Brittany doesn't say anything. Instead, she just continues to sit next to her sister with a faraway look on her face.
"Brittany... I know that you're still pissed at San for leaving the way she did, but please - for the love of God - will you stop being so damn stubborn and have a conversation with your best friend?!" Lindsay states rhetorically. "I know you miss her; for Christ sakes... you fall asleep every night clutching her hoodie like someone's gonna steal it away from you. In fact, you're doing it right now."
As Brittany looks down, she notices Santana's blue hoodie securely held against her body. Brittany is a little shocked at her sister's tone. She's also a little impressed by Lindsay's tact and insight for her age.
So far, Lindsay had been the only one to figure out how to tackle bringing up the whole Santana situation without being too forceful or direct. Lindsay was also the first person to call Brittany out on her stubbornness and challenged her to address her feelings.
"Look... it's okay to be angry and upset," Lindsay starts again. "Although the situation sucks, I'm sure that Santana had her reasons for doing what she did. There's probably a lot more to the story, but you'll never know unless you actually talk to her and really hear her out."
As the words sink into Brittany's brain, she lets out a long, exasperated sigh. She's tired of fighting the truth. She's tired of being angry. She's tired of not being able to see her best friend whenever she wants to.
"Sometimes I forget that you're only 14..." Brittany lightly chuckles out. "When did you get to be so smart?"
"Ah... it must be a Pierce thing," Lindsay smugly replies.
"Thanks for the pep talk, sis..."
"Anytime," Lindsay responds with a smile.
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks; you better run, better run... out run my gun," I sing out loud as I play along on my guitar. "All the other kids with the pumped up kicks; you better run, better run... faster than my bullet."
"I'm guessing you're first week at school wasn't great..." I hear my dad say as he enters my room.
"Oh, hey Dad..." I greet him. "What makes you say that?"
"Oh, nothing... certainly not hearing you singing about shooting up a school or anything," my dad sarcastically replies.
"Hehe... I guess I can see your point," I say back. "I promise, I don't have any intentions of "setting it off" at my school. I just really like that song... despite some of the disturbing lyrics."
"Okay, just checking..." my dad responds he playfully raises his hands in defense. "How do you feel about pizza for dinner?"
"I'd say you read my mind," I reply with a big smile.
"Cool, I'll go get the menu... after I use the potty first," he states.
"Potty? Really Dad... you're like 40 something," I counter after hearing my father's childish reference. The man is truly just a big kid at heart.
As my dad shrugs his shoulders and makes his way to the bathroom, I hear a knock at the door. I then place my guitar down and head towards the front door, not bothering to look through the peephole to check whom was on the other side first. I figured it'd be okay to roll the dice since it was only a little after 6 in the evening.
As I open up the door, I'm immediately stopped in my tracks as the person on the other side of the door is revealed.
"Brittany..." I say barely above a whisper, still not believing my eyes.
As her eyes connect with mine, a slight smile flashes on my face. However, Brittany's face does not reflect that of mine. Instead, I see a look that appears to be of anger. As my smile slowly fades, I observe Brittany's right hand ball up into a fist.
Before I can process what's going on, I feel a harsh blow to my stomach. As all of the air dissipates from my body, I drop down to my knees to catch my breath.
I'm guessing she's still pissed off at me.
As I remain on the ground, Brittany picks up her bag and walks pass me, entering my apartment. At the same time, my dad is now entering the kitchen area, which is adjacent to the front door.
"Hey Mr. L," Brittany says as she passes my dad and takes a seat in the living room.
"Brittany?" My dad replies with a confused expression. As he turns his head and spots me on the ground, he rushes to my side to help me up. "Sweetie, what happened? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine..." I cough a little through my response. "The greetings around here have really gone downhill..."
"Well, it's good to know she didn't knock the humor out of you," my dad jokingly replies. As he leads me to the couch, he turns his head to address the blonde in the room. "So, Brittany... what brings you to Washington?"
I appreciate my dad trying to make light of the situation, but I think he's just making things more awkward.
"Dad... would you mind giving us some privacy?" I ask him.
"Sure thing. How bout I go pick up some pizzas instead and you guys can stay here and talk?" He suggests. I carefully look over at Brittany and see her nod her head in response. "Okay, I'll be back in a little while. You guys gonna be okay?" My dad questions, raising an eyebrow in Brittany's direction.
"I promise to keep my hands to myself," Brittany says with a shy smile as she raises her hands.
"Okay then... I'll be back soon."
Once my dad grabs his keys and leaves the apartment, I look back over at Brittany. There's complete silence between us for several minutes. I want to say something to start a dialogue, but I'm not sure where to begin. I have so many things I want - no, need - to tell her, but I just can't find a place to start. I was so caught off guard by her sudden appearance that my mind has gone blank.
"I'm sorry for punching you..." she softly says, finally breaking the ice. "It wasn't my intention. I was actually really happy to see you, but then, the moment you left flashed through my mind and I felt all of my anger return."
"You don't have to apologize... I deserved it," I kindly reply. "I know you're still mad at me and probably really confused; that's my fault. I didn't mean to put a rift in our friendship because of my stupid decision. I shouldn't have left the way I did. I'M the one that should be apologizing to you."
"So, you didn't mean it then? It was a mistake... a momentary lapse in judgment?" Brittany questions.
I breathe in and exhale deeply. I guess I can't hide it anymore. As I reposition myself to sit on the coffee table in front of Brittany, I begin the conversation that's been long overdue.
"No, it wasn't a mistake... at least not on my end," I try to explain. "I'm sorry about all the anger and emotions that took place afterwards; I'm not sorry for kissing you though."
Brittany opens her mouth to respond, but no words come out. She appears to be deep in thought, pondering over exactly what she wants to say.
"So... why did you do it then?" Brittany inquires.
"I did it because it's something that I've wanted to do for a long time now," I slowly reply. "I spend so much of my time always doing the right thing and helping others get want they want so that they can be happy, but I never do that for myself. I know that it might've been the worst timing ever, but in that moment... I didn't care. For once in my life, I decided to be selfish," I continue. "Without fear of the consequences, I did what I wanted to do. And all I really wanted to do... was kiss you."
Brittany seems to be at a loss for words as her brain computes the information I just laid out on the table.
"Brittany..." I say, gaining her attention again, "... I have feelings for you. I'm just sorry that I couldn't tell you before now."
At this point, I feel like Brittany's mind is completely blown, based on her widening eyes. As she slumps further into the couch, I start to get a little worried. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. On the other hand, it felt really good to finally get that off my chest. There's still so much more to tell her, but I don't want to overwhelm her with it all.
"I... I just..." Brittany starts to say, but she's not making a while lot of sense. "I don't even know what to say right now."
"You don't have to say anything..." I gently respond, letting out a defeated sigh. "You asked me a question and I gave you an honest answer. Besides, you deserved to know."
"How long have you felt like this?" Brittany questions.
"Honestly, I think it's always been there... it just wasn't apparent to me until you came out and started dating."
"Oh... is that why you didn't like Kelly?"
"No, that's not the reason," I respond with airy chuckle. "Kelly was superficial, high maintenance, and an uber bitch. She constantly objectified you, but never really appreciated your true beauty. She didn't deserve to breathe the same air as you, Britt."
As I finish my rant, I notice that Brittany's cheeks have turned a reddish color. I hope that I didn't embarrass her. Words just can't describe the disdain I have for her ex. If Brittany was my girlfriend, I would treat her like a queen.
"Y'know... she was cheating on me the whole time we were together," Brittany states more to herself than to me. "After we broke up, one of her buddies filled me in on that little tidbit."
"Are you serious?" I state in shock. "I know Kelly had more looks than brains, but I can't believe she would be stupid enough to cheat on you. I mean, seriously... what kind of moron do you have to be to mess around with trash when your girlfriend is the most beautiful girl in the world?"
I don't miss the way Brittany's blush moves from her cheeks up to the tips of her ears.
"Are you sure that her friend wasn't just messing with you on her behalf?"
"No... I wish he was, but I have firsthand knowledge," she states, causing me to become even more confused. "The night we broke up, she basically told me that I was a waste of time cuz she had tons of girls that she could call at any moment and they'd be down to "fuck". After that, I finally saw all of the blatant signs that were telling me that she was no good."
"I can't believe that back-stabbin' ho!" I grumble out in anger. "She better hope I never run into her again cuz I will rip that stupid little smirk right off her face!"
For a minute, I forget that Brittany is right in front of me. All I see is red. I can't believe that Kelly would do that to her. Brittany is the sweetest person ever. I knew that Kelly was shady, but I never thought she would intentionally hurt Brittany like that and just use her.
"Hey... what are you thinking about?" Brittany softly asks as she places her hand on top of mine.
My breath catches in my throat as I feel the warmth from her hand radiating against mine. Once she realizes the affect she's having on me, she slowly removes her hand from mine.
"Umm... I just feel like it's my fault," I finally respond. Not understanding completely, Britt gives me a nod to continue. "I knew that she was bad news and couldn't be trusted, but I never thought she'd stoop that low."
"What do you mean you knew?"
"The reason why Kelly never liked me was because she was threatened by our friendship," I start off. "Numerous times she accused me of being jealous and having feelings for you. I always denied it cuz at that point in time, I didn't think I did; I was just lying to myself though," I admit barely above a whisper. "Anyways, I guess she wanted to test me so somehow she got ahold of a song I wrote for you and passed it off as her own."
"Wait a minute... what song?" Brittany questions, feeling highly confused at this point.
"You remember that poem you said she gave you on your birthday?"
Brittany thinks back to several months ago when she received that very thoughtful gift from her then girlfriend. She thinks back to how she found it incredibly romantic and how it made her think that Kelly had a deeper level than she let anyone else see.
"So... you're telling me that you wrote that?" Brittany says incredulously. "You wrote that amazing song and Kelly just stole it and passed it off as her own?! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because... I didn't want to admit that she was right, that I was jealous... that I had feelings for you. It was bad enough hearing it from Sam and Mercedes, but-"
"Wait... Sam and Mercedes knew about all of this?!" Brittany says, cutting me off.
Man... this is gonna be a long night.
"Yes... they both knew about my feelings for you and what Kelly had done. They thought I should tell you, but I just couldn't..."
"That seems to be a reoccurring theme..." Brittany says under her breath.
"Brittany... I didn't tell you because honestly... I didn't think you'd believe me," I finally say aloud.
"San, you're my best friend... what would ever make you believe that?" Brittany says, firmly grabbing my hand.
"I don't know... it just seemed like the closer you got to her, the further away you got from me," I solemnly state, looking down at our joined hands. "You seemed to be happy; I didn't want to ruin that by calling out your girlfriend."
Brittany doesn't say anything; she just nods her head along, taking everything in.
"When you guys first got together, I was jealous because I didn't get to see you as much. I felt like Kelly was stealing all of my BFF time," I chuckle out. "Eventually, I wasn't jealous of not seeing my best friend anymore; I was jealous of Kelly because she got to be with you. She got to experience parts of you that no one else has," I continue as I softly stroke my thumb against her palm. "Even after I saw Kelly's vindictive side, I wasn't gonna interfere if she's what you wanted. Despite my feelings and how much it hurt to see you with her, I just wanted you to be happy."
I gently pull my hand away from Brittany's and use it to wipe away the water forming in my eyes. I then wrap my arms protectively around my chest. I feel so vulnerable right now that I can't bear to look at Britt.
"I really wish you would've told me... about everything," Brittany says after a long pause.
"I wish you would've told me why you really broke up..."
"I guess we all have our reasons..."
"Yeah... I guess so," I reply as I finally look up to meet her eyes.
I briefly get lost in her cerulean orbs and begin to flicker back and forth from her eyes to her lips. I really want to kiss her again, but that got me in trouble last time so I have to refrain. Thankfully, the sound of the front door and my dad returning with pizzas save me.
After dinner, we all decided to call it a night. After our earlier talk, I felt completely drained, but it felt good to let Brittany in on some of the things I've had locked up inside my head for nearly a year now.
After much deliberation, Brittany finally caved and decided to sleep in my room while I crashed on the couch. She felt bad because she was an uninvited guest, therefore, she felt that she should be the one sleeping on the couch. After I told Brittany that she's always welcomed in my home, she finally accepted it and started getting ready for bed.
Once she was all set, we said our goodnight's and I headed towards the living room. Before I could leave, I had to know one thing... it was the only way I would be able to get any sleep after the long day I've had.
"Hey Britt..."
"Yeah, San?"
"Are you still mad at me?" I hesitantly ask as I sway back and forth in the doorway of my bedroom.
"No, I'm not mad anymore," she replies with a soft smile. "G'nite San..."
"Nite Britt," I say back. "Oh, and by the way... I missed you."
"I missed you too."
As I lay down on the couch, I feel like I can finally breathe again. After not hearing anything from Brittany for a month, it was nice to finally get to see and talk to her again. I know that tonight's conversation was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow, I'm sure there will be even more questions. I just hope my answers don't scare her away.
When I awake the next morning, I decide to do something nice and cook breakfast for my dad and Britt. One by one, the smell of bacon draws both of them out into the kitchen.
After enjoying a nice meal with light conversation, all three of us wash up and head out so that we can show Brittany around our new town. After exploring some of sights of Seattle, my dad treats us to a nice lunch. Once the check comes, Dad lets us take his car as he takes a taxi home.
I then take Brittany to my new high school to show her around. As we walk through the hallways, she comments on how different and bigger my school seems in comparison to McKinley. After that, we idly chat about random stuff here and there. I tell her about a couple of new friends that I made, Blaine and his boyfriend Kurt.
Brittany appeared to be a little surprised when I talked about how cute they were together. I then explained to her that Washington in general was a very open place and that the kids at school didn't give the gay kids a hard time. This seemed to make her smile.
After the tour, we ended up at the bleachers by the football field. It was then that I knew the talk I had been dreading was finally coming.
"Do you remember when I asked you if you liked girls?" Brittany inquires.
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, I was wondering... is your opinion still the same?"
I'm not really sure where she's going with this but I humor her and play along.
"Yeah, I guess so..."
"Have you liked anyone else besides me?" She asks as a follow-up.
"Nope... just you."
"So... does that mean you're gay now?" Brittany questions.
"I... I really don't know," I honestly reply. "All I know is that you're the only person that I'm interested in. Because you're a girl, if that makes me gay... then so be it."
My response seems to please Brittany.
"I guess I'm just confused..." she starts off. "If you liked me so much, how come you never said anything after me and Kelly broke up?"
"Because I was scared to," I say as I shrug my shoulders. "Besides, even if you remotely felt something for me... I didn't want to be your rebound."
"Fair enough..."
After that, there's silence between us for a while. I'm not sure what to say to her. I have so many questions of my own to ask her, but more than ever... I'm scared to.
Ever since she got here unexpectantly yesterday, we've done nothing but talk about my feelings for her. My cards are all sitting on the table. Some of them have yet to be revealed, but at this point, Brittany knows where I stand. I'm scared to ask her if she has feelings for me too because I think I already know the answer. I feel like if Britt had any type of feelings for me, she would've said something by now.
It's not like she hasn't been given ample opportunities.
As much as I want to ask her, I don't. As long as I don't, then there's that air of mystery to it. I figure that if my heart's gonna be crushed, I'd rather wait until Brittany's back in Lima and not sitting a few feet away from me. It's almost like Schrodinger's Cat... until you open up the box, the cat can be thought of as dead and alive. As for right now, I'd liked to remain ignorant and unaware of the possible outcome.
"Why did your mom really leave?" Brittany bluntly asks, this breaking the silence.
I knew this was coming, but no matter how many times I rehearsed it in my head, it never gets easier.
"She left... because of me," I lowly reply, trying my best to hold back my tears.
"I don't understand," Brittany says with a look of confusion.
"My mom found out about my feelings for you and flipped out," I begin to say, fiddling with my glasses. "Apparently having a gay daughter - or at least a not so straight daughter - is unacceptable to her."
"How did she even find out?" Brittany ponders.
"She overheard a private conversation I was having with Sam," I continue. "Afterwards, she confronted me about it and when I didn't deny it... she lost her shit. We ended up getting into this huge fight."
"Wait... was that the day you didn't come to school? Is that the reason why you were absent?" Brittany questions, starting to fill in the puzzle pieces.
"It's part of the reason..." I trail off. "When my dad came home the next morning, my mom was yelling at me again, telling me that I couldn't go to school and stuff."
"That's crazy... what does going to school have to do with anything," she rhetorically states.
"Anyways... my dad was already unhappy with what he had witnessed. Once I told him about my mom slapping me, he was livid."
"Wait... your mom slapped you?!" Brittany incredulously states. "Why the hell did she do that?"
"Because I called her a hypocrite," I simply state. "She always taught me about acceptance and not judging people because they're different. When she was doing the complete opposite of what she always told me, I called her out on it. Apparently she didn't appreciate that."
"Oh my God, San... I had no idea," Brittany sadly replies as she gently grazes my cheek with her hand.
I close my eyes for a moment and enjoy the feeling of Brittany's touch. As I exhale deeply, I cover Brittany's hand with mine and lower it so that our joined hands are resting on my lap. I'm tired of all of the secrets. I'm tired of question after question. I think it's time to just put it all out there and let the chips fall where they may.
"Brittany... the reason why my mom tried to keep me away from school is because she didn't want me to see you," I slowly say.
"Seriously... over some little crush?" Brittany scoffs. "Your mom is really off her rocker."
"It's more than that..."
"What do you mean exactly?" Brittany questions.
"I guess my mother needed someone to blame... and that person was you," I state cautiously as I see her eyebrows furrow. "She blamed you for turning me gay and I blame myself for her leaving. I'm the reason why my parents' marriage over; I'm the reason why my dad is alone now... that's why I couldn't tell you any of this before."
I pull my hand away from Brittany's so that I can remove my glasses from my watery eyes. I never wanted her to see me like this, but I just can't hold it all in anymore.
"It's all my fault..." I mumble out as I bury my face in my hands. "My dad doesn't deserve this; he's been nothing but awesome and supportive, yet he's all alone now because of me and my stupid feelings."
"Shh... everything will be okay," Brittany coos into my ear as she embraces me and allows me to cry on her shoulder. She begins to slowly rock us back and forth as her grip around my waist tightens. "Your Dad loves you so much, San... I bet if he had the chance to do it all over again, he would do the exact same thing."
"You don't know how hard it was to come home that day to find all of my mom's stuff gone. And the look on my dad's face..." I sob out as I bury my face deeper into her shoulder. "She didn't have to just up and abandon her family just cuz I'm in love with you. We could've talked about it or something..."
"You're w-what?" Brittany stutters out as she stops rocking us back and forth.
"Huh?" I say as I peel my face away from her shoulder. As I study Brittany's features and the total look of shock that's present, my eyes widen in realization. "Shit..."
I then slowly scoot back on the bleachers, putting a reasonable distance between us.
"What did you just say?" Brittany carefully asks.
"I, uh..."
My words die on my lips. I have no idea what to say to her right now. Do I tell her the truth or do I just play it off like I said something else?
She wasn't supposed to find out this way. In fact, I wasn't even planning on telling her, especially after everything that's happened. I mean, seriously... what would be the point? Even by some snowball's chance in hell that Brittany liked me, - even just a little - she lives in Lima and I live in Seattle now. How would that even work? Long distance relationships hardly ever work out for adults. I can't even imagine trying to make that work between to 16 year olds.
Wait... I'm getting way too ahead of myself here. All of those are just a bunch of what if's that are probably not even plausible.
"Santana... please repeat what you just said," Brittany kindly asks.
Lie or tell the truth... seems like I'm in quite the predicament.
"I said that... I'm..." I struggle to get out. I then take a long, deep breath, put my glasses back on, and hesitantly look back at her. "I'm in love with you, Britt..."
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I look away, not daring to look at her and see the expression on her face.
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence passes, I cautiously look at Brittany using my peripherals. She seems to be lost in thought. Her mouth is slightly open and her eyes are a little bit wider than they were before.
As I silently sigh to myself, I feel a vast amount of emotions toppling over. I knew I should've just kept my big mouth shut. God, I'm such an idiot!
"It's getting late... we should probably get back," I state, my voice void of emotion.
Brittany opens her mouth a little wider to respond, but instead decides to nod her head in affirmation. Once we get back to my dad's car, the drive back to the apartment seems so long and endless. When we finally arrive, we all awkwardly sit around the dinner table and enjoy the pasta that my dad made while we were out.
As night time falls, I quickly say my goodnight to Brittany and exit the bedroom before giving her the opportunity to say anything back. Sleep eludes me for a couple of hours after I lay my head down. How can I sleep knowing that I spilt my heart out to Brittany and was met with nothing but silence afterwards? I get being shocked, but to not say anything at all... well, that pretty much says everything I need to know.
After a few more unsuccessful hours, my eyes automatically squint when an unknown light source filters into the living room from the kitchen.
"Dad?"
"Hey sweetie, what are you doing up?" My dad responds as he takes a swig of his glass of water.
"Haven't been to sleep yet," I reply.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He sweetly asks. All I can do is shrug my shoulders. "I'm guessing things didn't go so well with Brittany? You barely said 2 words since you got back."
"I told her everything..."
"And what did she say?"
"Nothing," I solemnly reply. "I told her I was in love with her and she said nothing."
"Oh, sweetie... I'm sorry," my dad says comfortingly as he sits beside me on the couch.
"It's not like I was expecting her to say it back or anything," I begin to say, trying not to get worked up again. I think I've cried enough tears about everything. "I don't know... I guess I expected her to at least say something."
"I know that you may not want to hear this right now, but you'll get over this," my dad starts to say. "It may take some time, but eventually you'll move on and meet someone else that you'll be absolutely crazy about and they'll feel the same way too. You're still so young and have your whole life in front of you."
I knew my dad was just trying to help, but I didn't want to get over Brittany. I didn't want to meet someone new and fall head-over-heels for them. I wanted Brittany... even if she didn't want me back.
But, ya know what... if my dad can wake up every morning and continue living his life after all that's happened to him with my mom, then so can I.
"You're right Dad... I really didn't want to hear that right now," I sarcastically reply, "but I know you're right. I appreciate that."
"Anytime sweetie, anytime..." he replies as he gets up from the couch and kisses the top of my head. "Get some rest."
As my dad makes his way back to his room, I let his words resonate throughout my brain. Now that Brittany finally knows everything, maybe I will finally be able to move on. Little by little, I feel my eyelids start to get heavy until they eventually close. Tomorrow, Brittany will be heading back to Lima, armed with all of this new information.
So... what does that mean for our friendship?
After only getting a few hours of sleep, I get up and prepare to take Brittany to the airport. The ride is silent, much like it was yesterday after we left the football field. I have nothing left to say and really, anything that she could possibly say now probably wouldn't make a difference.
As I find a suitable spot to park in the parking garage, I carry Brittany's small suitcase inside until we reach the check-in line.
"Well... I guess this is it," I say in a monotone voice as I place her bag beside her feet. "Have a safe flight."
"Santana..." she pleads as she reaches out to grab my arm.
I subconsciously take a step back, as if her touch would burn me. I don't miss the hurt look in her eyes. It wasn't intentional, but my emotions are so raw right now.
"Please... just don't," I whisper out apprehensively. "I just..."
I can't even look Brittany in the eye or finish a complete thought. I just wanna run back to my car and hide.
"Santana... I know that I didn't exactly handle yesterday... well, great... but I really want us to be okay," Brittany pleads.
"We will be..." I lowly state, "I just need a little time."
"I understand... can I at least hug you goodbye?" Brittany timidly asks. "I just... I don't know when I'm gonna see you again."
I contemplate my answer for a few seconds before I hesitantly nod my head. As Brittany takes a step forward and carefully wraps her arms around me, I feel my whole body shut down as her scent invades my nostrils. It takes a minute before my body comes back to life and I reciprocate the hug. I can't help but squeeze her tightly and deeply inhale the smell of coconuts emitting from her hair.
I'm not sure when I'll see her again, especially after all of this. If this is the last time, then I want to make sure I remember ever bit of her touch, her smell... her everything.
"Please let me know when you get home," I slowly speak as I untangle myself from her.
"I will," Brittany replies back. "Bye San..."
"Bye Britt..." I respond, finally looking into her eyes before I turn around and walk away from her again.
This feels different from the last time I said goodbye to her nearly a month ago. This time feels more final and definite. I know that me and Britt will always be friends no matter what; however, I also know that our friendship will never be the same.
As I find my way back to my car, I lean against the passenger side and slide down until I'm sitting on the dirty ground. I bring my legs to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I feel so overwhelmed and disappointed that I don't know what to do with myself. As I rest my head against my knee, I try to think back to how I ended up in this position.
I don't know how long I had been sitting here for, - maybe just a few minutes - but I quickly raise my head as soon as I feel a presence beside me. Once my eyes connect with blue ones, accentuated by long blonde hair, I feel a little bit shocked, but also a little relieved.
"B-Brittany... what are you doing here? You're gonna miss your flight."
"I couldn't leave things like this... not with you thinking that I don't care about you," Brittany seriously states as she mirrors me by sitting on the ground with her back against the car.
"Well, what am I supposed to think?" I questioned her.
"This whole time you've been so open and honest, but you never asked me how I felt about you or this entire situation," she retorts.
"What would've been the point?" I ask in return. "I literally put my heart on the table; your lack of any sort of response said everything I needed to hear," I state as I look away from her.
"Santana... I didn't say anything at first because my head was still trying to process everything," Brittany begins. "For the first time in months, we had a long, meaningful conversation. But when you started telling me about your feelings and all that stuff about your mom, I felt like a terrible friend for not noticing something sooner..."
I want to be mad at her. I want to interject, but she's finally opening up to me so I don't want to say something that will make her shut down.
"... and then when you let it slip out about being in love with me, I absolutely lost it," she continues. "My whole relationship with Kelly left me so confused that I doubted myself at times and whether there was something I could've done to make her not cheat on me..."
"Britt... Kelly was a no good, stupid ho," I say in all seriousness. "If she was crazy enough to let you go, then that's gotta tell you that she's not right in the head cuz you're damn near perfect."
I see a slight blush form on Brittany's face as her lips tug upwards in a small smile. I love making her smile, but that doesn't take away from all of the hurt I feel.
"San... I said all of that to say this," Brittany picks back up as she grabs my chin and forces me to look at her. "After Kelly, I had to take a step back and really figure out who I was again because I feel like I wasn't the real me when I was with her. I feel like I jumped in so fast and settled for her because I was never gonna get what I really wanted..."
"And what's that?" I ask lowly as she stares at me intently.
Brittany briefly studies my face before responding. I see her eyes flicker downward until she's staring back into mine again. "You..."
"Me?" I question as my eyebrows furrow, "what do you m-"
Before I can finish my sentence, I feel Brittany's hand grip my face tighter as her head juts forward and her lips collide with mine. My eyes quickly flutter close as I raise my hand on her cheek to deepen the kiss. I feel like I'm on a high right now as our lips move perfectly in sync with each other; almost like we've been doing this forever. This all feels like a dream. If it is, I dread the moment I have to wake up.
As we finally break apart, I feel my heart palpitating faster than it ever has before. As I feel her heavy breath hit my face, I slowly open my eyes to the sight of foggy lenses. I then feel Brittany's hand shift as she pushes my glasses up so that they are resting on top of my head.
"I don't want you to move on and fall for somebody else," Brittany genuinely states. When I give her a questioning look, she continues. "I kinda overheard your conversation with your dad this morning. I'm so sorry for ever making you feel that way because... I'm in love with you too."
My eyes suddenly widen at her admission. Is she being for real... or am I being Punk'd?
"I know that I should've said something yesterday, but I was just so caught off guard. This whole time I've been operating under the assumption that you were straight and that you could never feel the same as me, despite how many times our friends tried to convince me otherwise," she further explains. "Honestly, the only reason why I went after Kelly is because you told me to. After that, I was for sure that you had no interest in me."
I had no idea that Brittany felt like this. A part of me is totally relieved to know that I'm not completely crazy in how I've been feeling about her. The other part of me is sad to know that she's been holding onto all these emotions for so long, thinking that it was me that didn't like her. I'm also a little pissed off with myself to know that it was me that pretty much pushed her into Kelly's arms.
"Even when I was with her, I couldn't stop thinking about you," Brittany continues on. "I was still so scared and confused that I just kept fighting how I truly felt about you. I mean, how do you tell your best friend of 10 years that you're in love with them?"
"Like that..." I respond as I lean in and remove the space between our lips.
Brittany wastes no time in reciprocating the kiss as she grips my face tighter. A quiet moan emits from my throat as I feel Brittany's tongue graze my bottom lip. My brain feels like it's about to explode. As she lightly bites my lip and begins tugging at it, I graciously open my mouth and let her in. Once our tongues finally make contact, I feel my eyes rolling in the back of my head.
Holy shit... I'm totally making out with Brittany! This is awesome!
After a few minutes, I feel like I'm about to faint due to the lack of oxygen traveling to my brain. I think Brittany's starting to feel it to because our kiss is becoming kinda sloppy now. As we slowly break apart, a lazy smile forms on my face.
"Wow…" I breathlessly say.
"That's all I've been thinking about since you left," Brittany bashfully admits.
I hate to ruin this magical bubble that we're in, but someone's gotta ask the obvious question.
"So… what does this mean?" I inquire. "Like, what happens now?"
"I… I don't know," Brittany genuinely replies as she lowers her hand from my face and intertwines her fingers with mine. "But… I know I want this," she says as she motions between our bodies with her free hand. "I don't know if that's even possible or how that would even work, but I know that I don't want anyone else. I know that we're still really young and even thinking about a long-distance relationship is totally crazy…"
"You're not really making me feel any better about this situation," I cut in.
"I know, I'm sorry… I'm rambling," Brittany carries on. "What I'm trying to say is… be my girlfriend?"
Again, I'm briefly at a loss of words. This day is not going at all like I expected it to. It's scary… but in a good way.
"Are you asking me or telling me?" I question.
"Both?" Brittany cutely responds. "So… whataya say?"
"Uh… hell yeah!" I reply as if it's the most obvious answer in the world.
As Brittany grins widely and begins to lean in, I smile as soon as our lips meet again. This time, our kiss isn't as long or deep. As we break apart, I've never felt happier in my life. It's only now that I realize what Brittany's wearing.
"You're wearing my hoodie," I say in a bit of shock. I guess I didn't really think about it before because she certainly wasn't wearing it when I left her at the check-in line. I must admit though… it looks damn good on her.
"Well, you did tell me to keep it safe…" she responds cheekily. "I'm glad that we finally got all of this sorted out."
"Yeah, me too…"
"I hate to do this, but… I really have to go now," Brittany sadly says. "I told you my flight was earlier so that I would have time to talk to you."
"How'd you know I'd still be here though?" I question.
"Because… I know you," she cockily responds. Usually I'm not a fan of anything arrogant related, but on Brittany… I don't mind.
"Anyways…" I say as I playfully roll my eyes, "let's get home."
As I stand up and dust the dirt off my backside, I lend my hand to Brittany to help her up. Once she's on her feet, I link our hands together and walk her back towards the entrance of the airport. As we stand at the end of the security line, we tightly embrace.
"I miss you already," Brittany whispers into my ear. "I wish I could stay longer."
"Me too…" I sincerely state. "Do you think this could really work?"
"Santana… I've never doubted anything when it comes to you."
My heart melts at her words. I smile softly as I place a gentle kiss on her lips.
"Call me when you land."
"I will…" Brittany replies as we finally untangle ourselves from each other.
As she steps in line and more people gather behind her, there's just one more question I want her to answer.
"Hey, Britt…" I say, gaining her attention once more.
"Yeah, San?"
"That night at the party…" I trail off.
"Yes… I was jealous, okay…" she says exasperated. "There… are you happy now?"
I don't say anything back. All I do is smugly smile back at her and blow her a kiss goodbye. Again, she playfully rolls her eyes at me knowing that victory was mine.
Once I make it back to my car, the drive home is filled with nothing but happy thoughts of Brittany and our future… together. Just as I'm pulling into the parking spot that's been designated for our apartment, my phone goes off, alerting me to a new message.
From Britt-Britt: I made through security with no hassles, but now the flight attendant is staring daggers at me…
To Britt-Britt: How come?
From Britt-Britt: Probably cuz I'm not supposed to be on my phone right now
To Britt-Britt: Well, ya silly goose… get off the phone then
From Britt-Britt: Fine… you win ;)
To Britt-Britt: Awesome… I like winning ;)
From Britt-Britt: I love you, Santana! (That's all I really wanted to say)
To Britt-Britt: I love you too, Brittany! Have a safe flight
With that last text, I finally exit the car and make my way towards my apartment. I can't help the goofy looking grin that has been plastered to my face since I left Brittany at the airport. I don't know how this is going to work, but Brittany loves me. Right now… that's all that really matters to me. Everything else will work itself out.
Author's Note:
Hey guys! Sorry for the very long chapter, but I just couldn't find the heart to split it up. Hope you all still enjoy it though. I have to take a short break from the story so that I can finally finish You and Me. After that, I'll be back to this story. Thanks again for all of the reviews, likes, and follows!
-Kris
Songs Used:
Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING (but all of the mistakes that will eventually be fixed).