Chapter 3:

For Jeff the first few weeks after the funeral were a blur. Work was filled with preparations, budget projections and operational planning for the NASA Ames astrobiology project tender. Long days of back to back AVX conference meetings: reviewing and adjusting pricing schedules and playing mediator between astrobiologists, operational management and financial analysts; as well as the day to day running of TC.

Night times were equally frantic. Jeff was trying to run his business from the ranch, as well as look after five grieving but still active boys. He was forever grateful for the support of the local community ferrying each boy between school, sporting events and practices or piano recitals. He'd hired numerous locals to help keep the busy household running. Sophie Sutton from two farms down the road came to clean once per week; Edie from the town laundry did the washing, ironing and frequent mending required for five active boys; the retired high school home economics teacher who'd taught Lucy all those years ago cooked dinners for them and did the shopping on a weekly basis. Eighteen-year-old triplets Ed, Jenny and Jim Rose from across the road helped manage the Tracy ranch while they balanced MOOC studies in agricultural management and sustainable farming methods in preparation for taking over their family holdings. The school principals had organized weekly reports from each of the boys' teachers on their progress at school: both academically (never an issue for a Tracy son) and importantly how they were emotionally coping in the aftermath of their mom's death. Katie Richards minded Alan during the day in addition to her three-year-old, while her elder sisters handled after school care, and their widowed mother looked after the boys at night when Jeff was away.

Unfortunately, as much as Jeff tried, running TC meant he needed to travel to meet clients.

But even with all this help from the local community, Jeff found himself run ragged and wondering how his wife ever managed to cope. He lost count of the number of times he found himself checking on his sons at 1am after the last international calls to Beijing before falling into bed, only to wake up again at 4am because one of the boys was having a nightmare. While the boys were at school or in care, at their various after-school activities and then at night when they were asleep, he tried to run the business of Tracy Corporation.

During those difficult first weeks Jeff frequently found himself wishing his mother were still alive. But the matriarch of the Tracy family had succumbed to a global flu epidemic just before Scott was born, with large pharmaceutical companies blaming governments for legislation and high tariffs on drug prices restricting the amount of money available for research, and governments blaming the companies for not enough research and development to keep up with mutations in the disease and too much focus on profit. Regardless of whose fault it was, Sally Tracy, along with millions of others had passed away from the virulent mutation.

He kept telling himself that Lucy had not had to look after the boys and hold down a full-time job leading a global company. But then he'd come across emails about her planned painting exhibitions and piano recitals… he added that to her involvement in the local Veterans retirement home, as well as managing the Tracy ranch and he knew he was kidding himself. She was far more organised and just as smart as he was, and only the biological ability to bear their children and her desire to raise them had meant Lucy wasn't the one running TC, leaving Jeff to be the figurehead.

On bad days when he'd lost his temper with one of his sons or with someone from the company, he admitted in the privacy of his mind that she'd do a far better job as chairperson and president of TC.

He missed her daily, hourly, every minute with a fierce burning throughout his entire body, centred in his heart. She was his touchstone: the one who kept him centred and sane in amongst the stresses and strains and political shenanigans of running a large corporation in a competitive global business environment. But more than this she was the love of his life and the mother of his beautiful sons.

Jeff found he was often distracted over dinner with the boys when he was home; exhausted during the ninety minutes he promised himself that he would spend with them every evening (exactly 18 minutes for each son including dinner, either in person or via AVX. Not that he'd ever tell his sons that, he never wanted them to feel that they were something he needed to schedule into his life to the exact minute), but he was frequently absent from special school presentations or other events that he promised his boys he would attend.

He missed Gordon and Alan's birthdays, relying instead on frantic last-minute calls to good old reliable Breanna and her knowledge of what Lucy would do (as well as her in-depth knowledge of the boys' personalities if Jeff were honest) to ensure that both of their parties were special and that the presents he gave them (purchase and delivery arranged by Breanna) were unique and exactly what they wanted. He AVXed to wish each of them a happy birthday from Tokyo and London respectively, watching their excitement as they opened the presents he (cough - Breanna - cough) had brought for them. And he saw their disappointment each time he had to admit he wouldn't be home until the following weekend.

It broke his already devastated heart a little more each time, before he was again distracted by the next meeting or call.

Finally, Breanna and Dave Philips cornered him late one night after a rough flight from Helsinki.

Breanna was there at the arrivals hall after the Finnair flight landed, ushering him efficiently into a Tracy Corp car and then to the private hangers at the far end of the airport. Tracy One was Jeff's first extravagant purchase five years ago, a necessity to ensure he could keep his family in their native Kansas. It allowed the boys to grow up with real down to earth people who had honest values, surrounded by freedom, wide open spaces and the ability to climb and run and tinker to their hearts' content just as Jeff and Lucy had as children.

Breanna carried her AVX-Pro as she climbed up the stairs into Tracy One, ready to go over the latest results and preparation for the quarterly general management and financial results meeting next week.

Stowing his luggage and Breanna's overnight bag in the hold, he was surprised to see another bag already in there. Puzzled, he climbed aboard as well only to find all the pre-flight checks done and flight plan to Kansas already logged and signed by the familiar scrawl of his head of security and best friend. Said best friend who was sitting smugly in the cockpit in the captain's seat, already starting to warm up the engines as Jeff closed the cabin door.

"Why do I get the feeling I've been kidnapped by my own staff?" Jeff grumbled good-naturedly standing at the cockpit door.

"Because you've been kidnapped by your own staff?" Dave grinned at him.

"All for your own good Jeff," Breanna chimed in. "You've been on the go non-stop now for seven days, running on too little sleep, too many time zones and too much caffeine. I wasn't about to let you fly me to the ranch like this."

"So, Uncle Dave is along for the trip. Strap yourself back in there while we get this show on the road." Dave pushed slightly against the throttle to get the executive jet rolling forward out of the large private hanger. Sighing gratefully, Jeff relaxed back into the plush leather armchairs in the main cabin. He closed aching eyes as they taxied out to the main runway, and was asleep before the engines roared, ten-seat jet accelerated and quickly lifted into the air.

The next thing Jeff knew was a bump and sudden lurch to the side as Tracy One touched down on his ranch airstrip, and the roar of engines quickly thrown into reverse.

"Now I know why I normally don't let you pilot when we fly together!" Jeff called out to the darkened cockpit.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up flyboy. You try landing in this strong cross wind on an icy ranch airstrip on a dark night. If you saw how good I am when I've had to land delivering aid under fire, you'd have a bruised ego. Can't have that."

"Sophie organised for the guest bedrooms in the barn conversion to be made up for Dave and I." Breanna interrupted the friendly bickering, not in the mood to prolong anything that stood between her and sleep in a proper warm comfortable bed. "You have breakfast with the boys at 7am. Once you've back from the school run at 9.30, we can go through the presentations for the quarterly management meetings, and Dave can update you on the latest security upgrades at the Ames and New York offices, and potential locations for the second Chinese office. At 2.30pm we will break so you can pick up Gordon and take him and Alan to the indoor pool for swimming lessons. Dinner will be at 5.30pm, then at 7.15 pm John has the Midwest Middle School Championship Debate finals on in the school auditorium; I've booked tickets for you, Scott and Virgil. Dianne Richards will look after Gordon and Alan until you arrive back home at 9.30pm. We take off at 6am the following morning for New York for the first of the quarterly meetings. The annual management dinner is on that night."

"What do I owe Sarah and Jean for keeping you two away overnight?" Jeff unbuckled his seatbelt as the plane taxied to a halt, referring to Dave and Breanna's respective partners.

"Tickets to the new Wei Agarwal opera that opens in two months would be good," Breanna piped up brightly. "Jean is really excited about it."

"Seven tickets to the Air Force - Army game in November and we are even."

Jeff raised an eyebrow as he prepared to open the plane door. "Seven? You dragging Sarah and whose army to a football game?"

Dave snorted as he pulled his heavy coat on. "Nah, no way will Sarah go, but she wants to ensure you have a fun day with the boys booked in before Christmas that you can't get out of, and I figured it was a good way to ensure I got to see the Falcons smash the Black Knights this year."

Jeff shook his head as he descended the stairs to the tarmac. He had good people, the best.

Grabbing the bags from the hold, relief at finally being home draining the last of the adrenaline from his body, Jeff yawned mightily. He looked at the ranch-house in the distance, the back-porch light welcoming him home after too long away from his sons. He noticed a flicker of flashlight from Scott's window and smiled, knowing his eldest boy was habitually a light sleeper when his parents were away. The smile faded from his face when he remembered that Lucy would never be back home.

Fifteen minutes later, he was quietly checking in on each of his boys. In the first room Alan was curled into a small ball around his latest favourite stuffed toy, no doubt secured by John via the claw machine at the local arcade; while Gordon was sprawled on his stomach with blankets thrown off. Both were snoring lightly from blocked noses. Jeff rearranged the blankets over Gordon and kissed both boys lightly on top of their heads. He left the small rocket nightlight on and the door ajar before moving down to the next bedroom.

Virgil was curled on his side with hands under his pillow, vying for space in a bed crowded with toy planes, tractors, a sketchbook and a large box of neatly ordered colour pencils. Jeff shook his head fondly, reaching down to smooth dark hair back, frowning when he felt a temperature on his son's damp forehead.

Drowsy brown eyes blinked open.

"Daddy?"

"Hush son, it's okay, Daddy's here. Everything is fine. Go back to sleep."

His seven year old snuggled back into the pillow and was soon snoring softly. Jeff felt his back to ensure that his pyjama top wasn't damp.

"It's just a low grade virus, not the return of the 'flu. He caught it off Gordon, who caught it off Alan who caught it at preschool last week. Gordon and Alan are over the worst of it, just blocked noses now. Virgil's fever broke this morning, but Mrs Richards wants to keep him in bed for another day or two to make sure. She doesn't think he should go to John's debate tonight."

Jeff turned to see his eldest boy shivering in the doorway. Quietly padding across the room, he hugged Scott and then looked pointedly down at bare feet.

"Why are you awake at 2.30am? More importantly, what are you doing not only awake and out of bed, but without socks in winter at 2.30 in the morning?"

"It's actually 2.14 Dad."

Jeff rolled his eyes. His eldest was so like him in many ways, always quick on his feet and with a ready answer. He wondered how his mother had coped during his own teenage years.

"Even so-"

"I missed you, Dad."

"I missed you too, Scott. All of you boys," Jeff gave him another hug. "Come on, back to sleep."

"You need to check on John first. I'll come with you."

Jeff signed. He knew that determined look on Scott's face. The almost teenager wanted to have a serious conversation but needed his dad to complete the night time ritual of checking on all his sons first.

"Okay Scooter. Let's check on John and then I'll tuck you in to bed."

When Scott didn't protest being tucked into bed, Jeff knew his eldest was hiding something. Typical of Scott, it would be something he'd desperately want to discuss with his dad, but equally wouldn't want to worry him about. He placed an arm around young shoulders and guided them into the dark bedroom next door.

By the light of the landing Jeff could see John on his back with three large books next to his head and another open on his chest. Jeff was surprised the bedside light wasn't on. Taking the book off the ten year old's chest, Jeff pulled blankets up to John's chin and laid his hand on sleep-tousled hair and forehead. No temperature here.

"John hasn't gotten sick. Mrs Richards and I kept him away from the others because we knew the debate finals were coming up, and I turned John's light off at ten just after he fell asleep."

Jeff raised his eyebrows again and looked down into deep blue eyes so like his own.

"I've been asleep too," Scott clarified. "I went to sleep after I turned John's light off and then I woke when I heard Tracy One's engines start to throttle back for landing."

"Okay, time for you to be in bed as well, Scooter." Jeff herded them out onto the landing and into Scott's bedroom.

Jeff held his tongue as he tucked thick blankets underneath the mattress. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he smoothed back dark brown hair, waiting for his silent son to speak.

"Dad," Scott started eventually. Jeff hummed acknowledgement.

"When… when we were in California," Scott hesitated over painful memories.

"Go on Scott, I'm listening."

Scott took a deep breath through his nose, ran one hand back through his hair and continued. "When we were in California, I overheard you telling Mom that if you won the international shuttle contract you'd be able to be home more often." He paused, picking at the red stitching on the edge of his navy blanket.

Jeff waited him out again, knowing that hurrying Scott would lose the point that he was working towards. His eldest was showing signs of being a real leader, captaining the school ice hockey and baseball teams. This hesitancy was unlike the son he knew.

"I know you haven't heard about it yet, but it – I – um, was that just because Mom was still alive and now she's not you don't want to spend as much time with us here on the ranch? I'm trying to make sure the kids behave and that we all do well at school and sport and music; and John and I are helping with the ranch chores to make things easier and I make sure that we all stick to our 18 minutes in the evening when it's our turn to talk to you about our -"

"What?" Jeff choked, shocked at what he'd heard.

"It's just that we know how busy you are, but one of the people from the funeral said that your work was the most important thing in your life now Mom isn't here, so John and I are trying to make sure-"

"Scott, stop." Jeff unconsciously mirrored his son by taking a deep breath through his nose and running his fingers back through his own hair, thoughts tumbling furiously through his mind.

Suddenly a lot of things clicked into place. He'd been so busy letting himself get caught up in the business, needing to ensure that tenders and pricing for crucial contracts were exactly right, that he'd followed the exact same schedule that he had set up prior to Lucy's death. He'd tried in those first few weeks to spend as much time at the ranch as possible to be there for his boys, but as tender and development deadlines, monthly and quarterly management meetings all converged, he'd let himself get swept up in the minutiae of his business and the politics of operating in a global economy, never stopping to look around him. He wasn't travelling any more than he had previously - running TC meant travel, and lots of it while he was based in Kansas – but he didn't have the luxury of Lucy at home any more to look after the boys, or to tell him to stop and come home immediately because his family was more important than a meeting. He'd lost sight not of how intellectually smart his sons were but of just how observant they were as well. It wouldn't take Scott and John long to pick up a pattern in little things like Jeff limiting the amount of time he spent with each of the boys nightly. And Virgil, ever sensitive to the moods of everyone within the family, would quickly pick up on his elder brother's disquiet and put two and two together.

No, there was no way Scott, John or even Virgil had missed out on the 18-minute allotment of time. When added to missed birthdays, recitals and presentations, heck even just a rushed dinner together more than once a week…

He had even missed when Scott had suddenly dropped childhood nicknames and started calling his brothers by their proper names.

No wonder Scott was starting to wonder if Jeff's work was more important than his sons.

"Is this why I wasn't told that the boys had been sick?"

"I told Mrs Richards that I'd told you so she didn't say anything to Breanna." Scott continued to pick at the blanket-stitching. "I didn't want you to think you had to rush back-"

This had to stop, and stop now.

"Scott, you and your brothers are the most important things in my life. No exceptions," Jeff began.

Scott continued looking at the blanket, so Jeff reached out and gently placed his hand under the boy's chin so that they were looking at each other.

"You, John, Virgil, Gordon and Alan are the single most important things in my life – if there was ever any choice, I would give up everything to be with you. You know I handed in my resignation to NASA shortly before you were born and I'd completed that last eight-month rotation on the moon base. I didn't want to miss any of your milestones, and wanted to be here for you and your brothers. I didn't want you to grow up with a father who was a hero but had been killed in a space accident."

Jeff watched as Scott flinched slightly, looking down, obviously wanting to believe his father but seeing actions not supporting words over the past months. Jeff cursed himself quietly for being so blunt and reminding Scott of his mom's death, but he was operating on too little sleep, running on caffeine fumes and casting about desperately to find a way to reassure his eldest son how much he loved all of them.

In the cold dead of night in the family home in rural Kansas, Jeff could only think of one solution. The one option Lucy had fought against as soon as they knew she was pregnant with John.

"Scott, what if I had a solution that meant that we could spend a lot more time together as a family, and that I wouldn't have to travel as much because people could come to see me?"

His eldest son looked up with hope in his tired eyes. "That would be HACC Dad!" At Jeff's blank look, he clarified, "Humungously Awesome, Critically Cool!"

Jeff chuckled at the latest teenage saying.

"To do this, we would have to move from the ranch Scott, live somewhere else. That would mean all of you leaving your friends."

"Could we still come here for summer break?"

"Yes, you could still come here for holidays during summer break. I'd try to arrange my holidays for then too."

"Where would we live if we left the ranch, Dad?"

"New York, Scott," Jeff smiled. "It would be very different to living in Kansas but if I was based in New York full time then people would come to me most of the time, so we could be together as a family more often."

"That would be HACC, Dad," Scott yawned.

"Alright you, sleep now. We will speak more about this tomorrow and talk to your brothers too."

" 'Night, Dad."

Jeff bent down and brushed lips across Scott's forehead. " 'Night, Scooter. Sleep well."

Safely in his own bedroom, a wall of memories of his life with Lucy and the boys here on the ranch in front of him, Jeff pulled out his AVX Pro and sent Dave and Breanna a quick message: 'Priority one discussion tomorrow: move family to New York.'

Putting his AVX Pro away for the night, he gazed at a portrait shot of his beautiful wife.

"Lucy, I know you and I both hate New York, the politics and social climbing and corruption. I know we agreed that we'd never live there and we'd raise the boys here, but I can't do it any more without you. I can't run the company, raise the boys here in Kansas and have all of us be a family. I promise I will do everything I can to protect the boys from the things we hate about it there."

Jeff gazed at his wife's soulful brown eyes.

"God, I hope I'm doing the right thing, Lucy."

The portrait gave no response.