A/N: Hello, everyone :) FINALLY, my college exams are over and here I am again :D :D First of all, a massive "thank you" to Nushka and dontchasethesheep for their help, because I was a bit stuck and they helped me choosing the concept of the chapter. I'm warning you, it's kinda dramatic, with flashbacks from Neil's suicide, so, be prepared!

dontchasethesheep- Hahaha, I am glad you laughed :) Hope you'll like the new chapter and thanks for your ideas again :)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Dead Poets Society, only the characters I create and the plot.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you"

(Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings")

Pitts' POV

'Pitts? Pitts, wake up'

'Mmm?' I mumbled sleepily, annoyed by the sudden disturbance, courtesy by Nuwanda.

'Come on, Pitts, wake up, it's urgent!'

Groaning, I unwillingly tried to open my eyes, although everything was in a blur, since I was still half-asleep. After all, the last hours were pretty intense: "Midsummer Night's Dream", Neil's marvelous performance, and then his father who took Neil home after warning Mr. Keating to stay away from his son, making us all angry. I sat up on my bed, trying to wake up and to make my headache stop. In the darkness of the room, I could see Meeksie sitting on his bed, staring into nowhere, while Charlie was sitting on the edge of mine and Knox was leaning on the doorframe.

'Are we having a Dead Poets Society meeting or something?' I joked, but no one laughed.

Something was definitely weird here. Charlie's face was wet from something that reminded very much of…tears? Hang on a second, Charlie crying? The words "Charlie" and "crying" simply didn't belong together, but, here he was, obviously upset about something. Meeks wasn't in a better situation, he had folded his hands and shook his head, as if something had happened and he didn't want to believe it; as for Knox, he had lowered his head, as if ashamed or afraid to look at us. I immediately regretted my joke and, now with a clearer mind, I started having a very bad feeling.

'What is it?'

'Pittsie…' Charlie started, trying to hold back his tears. 'Pittsie, something terrible happened!'

'It's…It's Neil' Meeks continued and I felt as if a hand was gripping me tightly.

'What happened to Neil? Come on, guys, will you speak or do I have to force every word out of you?'

'Pitts...' Charlie stuttered and Knox left a soft sob. 'Neil…He's…He's dead'

I didn't know for how long I stared at him, Meeks and Knox, blankly, my mind unable to process what I had just heard. It couldn't be, right? Mere hours ago, Neil was on the stage, playing Puck with such passion, as if he was one with the role, he couldn't be…He would never…

'Shot himself in the head' Knox added.

No! No, this couldn't be. Neil would never, NEVER commit suicide, he was so full of life, he wanted to live life, he was the one who had encouraged us to recreate the Dead Poets Society, he disobeyed his own father to act in the play, he couldn't possibly…

'No' I gasped and realized, ashamed, my eyes filling with tears. 'No!' I repeated and, this time, my voice came out like a shout, as I hid my head in my knees and started crying with sobs.

'Pitts?'

'Pittsie, calm down'

'Shhh'

'Please, try to calm down, we have to tell Todd and now he needs us more than ever'

'Pitts, what's wrong?'

I could feel hands on my shoulders, patting my back, the three of them wanting to make me feel better. Funny; I was always the one who stood by their side, like a silent guardian, and now the roles were reversed.

'It was his father...I bet it was his father' I choked on my tears. 'Otherwise he wouldn't leave us, he wouldn't…'

'Pittsie, wake up…It's a dream, it's only a bad dream'

'Pitts…'

'Pitts, come on, mate'

I opened my eyes suddenly, bathed in cold sweat and trembling as if I was cold. The sheets were wrapped around me and I was breathing heavily, partly because of the dream, partly because of my abrupt waking. The room was half-dark, half-lit and the curtains weren't drawn, so I could faintly see that the sun had started to rise. Meeks was standing next to me, staring at me with a worried, almost scared expression, his hand on my shoulder.

This feels strangely like déjà-vu, I thought and shuddered, taking deep breaths in an attempt to regain my nerves. Somehow, I was honestly afraid that I would hear bad news, just like that horrible night. I rubbed my eyes to chase away the exhaustion and some invisible tears.

'Sorry, Meeks' I whispered avoiding looking at him and rose up on my bed. 'I don't know what is wrong with me…'

'Don't "Sorry, Meeks" me, Gerard!' he snapped and I shuddered again, only that, this time, it was because of my surprise. Meeks rarely called me by my first name, meaning that he was really serious. 'You were literally screaming in your sleep, as if someone was torturing you, you were wrestling like a maniac, it's this specific day and you are trying to convince me that you don't know what is wrong with you?'

"This specific day". I bit my lips, now sure that I would start crying within minutes.

No. No! Control yourself, Pitts. You have to be the strong one.

'Two years' I said, looking at my best friend, who knew exactly what emotional turmoil I was suffering. 'Two years and it's as clear as the day it happened'

'Tell me about it' he nodded. 'God, when I remember Charlie and Knox waking us up…Todd crying in the snow…the funeral'

'A whole life lost within hours' I held back a sob and fell heavily back on my pillow, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath again. 'Mr. Keating was so right…'

'About what?'

'Don't you remember? In our first lesson with him. "We are food for worms, lads" he had said! Did you ever imagine that only months after this Neil would die, Charlie would be expelled, Cameron would betray us, the Dead Poets…'

I couldn't continue, because the sadness I had tried to forget came and crushed me like a tidal wave, as the dam broke and the tears started flowing. Embarrassed, I hid my face on the pillow, but this did not prevent me from sobbing, as the memories, both the positive and the negative ones, tortured me for one more time, as intense as the moment I had lived them.

'It's so beautiful' Todd commented, looking around at the meadow and the forest, covered in snow.

Charlie chuckled gently, obviously trying to ease the tension, that could be cut with a knife. I stared suspiciously at Todd, thinking if there was a deeper meaning behind his words,, but also a bit afraid. From the moment we announced Todd the horrible news about Neil's suicide, he hadn't reacted; he only was in a state of silent shock. He had to burst out; Neil had encouraged him so much to speak up and be more self-confident and Todd really looked up at him; he needed to cry and express his emotions.

My thoughts confirmed when Todd collapsed on the ground, vomiting, sobbing loudly and whimpering as if he was wounded. We all rushed and kneeled next to him, hugging him and Charlie cleaning his face with snow.

'Todd. It's okay, Todd'

'Calm down'

'It's alright, Todd'

'Todd, it's okay…It's okay, Todd'

'He wouldn't…He wouldn't have done it' Todd uttered between his sobs and it took all I had to not start crying too'

'You can't explain it, Todd' said Meeks.

'It's his father!'

'No!' I told him loudly, trying to convince both him and myself. It was what I had said exactly and it just couldn't leave my mind; if Mr. Parry had shown a little bit more understanding, Neil would be with us.

'He wouldn't have left us…' Todd insisted and his voice was barely heard. It broke my heart to see him like this, but I attempted to stay calm, for his sake. 'It's because he…His father did it…His father killed him…'

'You can't explain it, Todd!'

'You can't explain it, Pittsie; no one can' Meeks brought me back to reality and the snowy meadow was transferred in the chapter "Memories" again. 'We can make assumptions, we can guess what or who caused it, we can ask ourselves "what would happen if…", but, in the end, who really knows what's in someone's mind?'

I nodded briefly and sat up again, having absolutely no mood to leave my room today.

'What time is it?' I asked weakly.

'Six; it's still early, we have one more hour 'till we have to go, have breakfast and then go to the lessons'

'Ugh, great!' I groaned and rubbed my forehead. 'Meeksie, do me a favor and tell everyone that…that I am sick or something like that. The last thing I want is to attend the lessons today'

'Sure' Meeks agreed, understanding at once, but then he frowned. 'And…And Nellie?'

'The same. Please, Meeks, I…I can't tell her what happened. It's over my strength and I don't want to bother her with all this'

'But…But you're so good friends, don't you think that…'

'Please, Meeks!' I raised my voice, making him look surprised towards me. 'Please, don't say anything to her or Virginia'

'Okay, okay. Don't worry, Pitts. Stay here, rest, calm down…I…I will arrange it'

Nellie's POV

'Virginia, if I commit first degree murder, what are my chances of getting away with it?' I groaned while walking out of the amphitheatre, my head aching as if an elephant had kicked it.

'Well, I may not be a lawyer yet, but I wouldn't say that the odds would be in your favor, Nel' Virginia answered, trying to sound serious and professional, but with her smug grin preventing her. 'Why, who harmed you, girl?'

'Why do you even ask? I seriously believe that the professor has issues and takes them out on us…I mean, an assignment and reading two books? I will go mad!'

'Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today' Virginia commented. 'And because I know you, I know that something happened. Come on, Nellie, say it'

'I had a chat with my father yesterday' I started and my mind travelled to that "heartwarming" conversation. 'He mentioned Olivia, my childhood friend, who's engaged. 'And he said the usual, "Your friend is preparing for her marriage, something you should do as well, young lady", "No one will want a woman who cares more about finding a job than being a proper housewife", "The chances are not many and you will end up all alone", "You will bring disgrace to your family" and blah, blah, blah!'

'Alright, alright, I got the message' my friend nodded, but she wasn't teasing, on the other hand, she seemed to truly understand. 'I suppose I am lucky; my mother never told me such things. I still remember her reaction when I announced I want to study Law…she was overjoyed'

'Lucky you' I briefly smiled. 'When I announced the news…well, my mother said "I want you to be happy, but what will your father say?", my father asked "And when do you plan to marry and raise a family?" and my brother couldn't care less'

'Nellie, I wonder how you manage to hold yourself in such an environment, I would…Ah, here's Prince Charming!'

'Here's who?' I narrowed my eyebrows, but when I saw Meeks approaching us, I burst into hysterical laughter. 'Just don't let Pitts know that you called his best friend with that name…Poor Meeks will never hear the end of it'

'Hello, Virginia, Nellie' Meeks greeted us with a small smile and a nod. 'Nice lesson?'

'We're surviving' Virginia shrugged and then looked over his shoulder. 'Why are you alone today? Where is Pitts?'

Meeks' smile faded and I stared worried at him. Was anything wrong? Meeks was as carefree as Virginia, sometimes even more, and yet at this moment he was very serious. But the next second he smiled again, although I had a feeling that his smile was somehow forced.

'Pittsie is…is a bit sick today, unfortunately. He woke up with a massive headache and a little fever, so we decided it is best for him to stay in bed'

'Is it the flu?' I wanted to know concerned. 'Many are sick these days, do you think it's that?'

'I do not think so; his fever isn't very high; he was mostly feeling…very weak'

'Maybe he is love-sick!' Virginia exclaimed, chuckling, and I stared furiously towards her.

'Do you think it's very funny to be ill, Ginny?' I snapped.

'Hey, hey, I didn't say that he's love-sick with you, Nel'

'Ginny!'

'Believe me, Virginia, if he was love-sick, I would have noticed' Meeks interfered, also with a gentle chuckle. 'But, this time at least, this is not the case. I'll just let him sleep and I am sure that…that tomorrow he will be fine'

'I would come and visit him if I could' I sighed and threw Meeks an apologizing look. 'But the man who is guarding the door to your dormitories is worse than Cerberus!'

'Cerberus?' Meeks and Virginia repeated simultaneously and I laughed.

'Cerberus is a three-headed dog that appears in the Greek and Roman mythology. According to the myths, it guarded the entrance of the underworld, preventing the dead to escape and the living to enter' I explained. 'When someone is referring to someone as "Cerberus" it means that he is a very strict, even cruel guard'

'Then you are right, Nellie, he IS a true Cerberus' Meeks said, while Virginia was laughing as if someone was tickling her. 'Don't worry, I will tell Pittsie that you wanted to visit and, anyway, tomorrow he will be with us again'

Pitts' POV

I did not know when I fell asleep again, but, apparently, I needed it. When I woke up again, it was broad daylight outside, the voices from the courtyard reaching my ears even through the closed window. It was very chilly and so I stood up to wear another pullover before sitting down again, staring blankly at the wall, thinking about nothing and everything.

Some Dead Poet you are, Pitts, sulking because of something that happened two whole years ago and you should be over it a long time ago, instead of suck out all the marrow of life!

It is normal, another voice in my mind said. A very good friend was lost that day, not someone completely stranger to you. He was your leader, even Todd came out of his shell thanks to him, you were all inspired by him and, even if all this hadn't happened, he was your friend. Quite normal to still be affected by his death.

'Hey, Pitts'

'There you are, Meeksie' I smiled at my best friend, who had just entered the room. 'How was it today?'

'Well, we said a few important things; but don't worry, I took notes for you' he told me, handing me his notebook. 'You can copy them in your own notebook whenever you want and I explain them further if you don't understand something'

'Thank you, Meeks, you are saving me' I placed the notebook on my desk.

'I saved you more than once today, because everyone believed the lie about your "illness". I have to tell you, though…Nel is worried about you'

At his last sentence, I turned around abruptly, thinking that I hadn't heard correctly. Did he just say "Neil"? No, no, it couldn't be…My mind was probably playing some cruel game with me and my sanity.

Of course he didn't say "Neil", you idiot!

'Sorry, I think I didn't hear…Who is worried about me?' I asked nonetheless.

'Nel. You know, Nellie? Our friend?' Meeks told me with his are-you-serious-right-now expression. 'I told her you are not well, but she said she would like to visit you. She really cares about you, Pittsie, and maybe, just maybe, if you spoke with her, with someone who was not there and can see the events of two years prior from a more objective point of view…'

'Meeks, I will not make this conversation again!' I interrupted him, sat down and folded my hands on my knees. 'I do not have the right to bother her with something that is my problem to deal with'

'But she could help you…ease this burden you feel inside your heart'

'Yes; and carry this burden herself! That is out of the question!' I made clear. 'She is focused on her studies; she is carefree; and when she is with us and Virginia she wants to have a good time, not play the psychologist! I have the problem, I have to fight it and I have to stand on my own feet; and the same will be in the future'

'Alright, alright' Meeks left out a sigh that said "I am giving up". 'But, if you want to hear my humble opinion, not speaking about your problems makes you more vulnerable, not stronger. Yes, yes' he added, seeing the way I looked at him 'don't have that look, because you know that I am right. All this is piling up, Pitts, and one day you will break. And, since Nellie is your friend, you will see that you will need her when that day comes'

A/N: Okay, everyone, that was it for now :) Hope you liked the chapter. I can not wait for your reviews and you will have an update as soon as possible :)