Rae turned into the drive that led to her house and without so much as a prompt Negan jumped out of the car to close the metal gates. She couldn't resist teasing him when he slid back into his seat, "aren't you the happy little helper?"

Negan's face fell for a split second before he grinned, "you know me baby, ever the fucking gentleman."

She laughed under her breath, deciding that a little altruism suited him and that she could definitely like Negan when he wasn't staring at her ass or turning innocent conversion into not so innocent innuendo. Except maybe that was a white lie, maybe a small part of her liked the innuendos that were so distracting she could almost forget about the halfers and find cause to laugh, for a split second maybe even feel normal. There hadn't been anything normal about the past couple of days with Negan yet at the same time she hadn't laughed as much since before she could remember.

"I'm gonna have to leave today, take care of business on my end. I can only imagine the shit circus that the Sanctuary might have turned into without me there to ringlead the clowns." Negan leaned towards her, his face in her personal space like it so often was, his breath minty from the sticks of gum he'd found in her apartment, "you gonna miss me Red?"

Would she miss Negan? "Like a hole in the head."

"You'll miss me," he winked, "I'm a goddamn teddy bear and a fuck load more fun than the boys you have running around your matchstick fort baby doll."

"Hamish is 82, I'd hardly call him a boy."

"What about little Timmy? He need you to tie his shoelaces? Fix his glasses?"

"Tim's a grown man, very athletic too." Rae didn't look at Negan as she spoke but her hairs prickled at the way she could feel him staring at her and she wondered why she was even saying 'very athletic' to him in the first place.

Negan snorted dismissively, "athletic? Humph, how about you let the coach be the judge on who's athletic and who's an asshole."

"Tim's not an asshole, he's pretty much the nicest person I've ever met, you know he used to volunteer at the shelter and every year he ran the blood drive."

"All that goody goody bullshit, he's probably a fucking serial killer."

Rae bit her tongue and stifled her laugh. The idea of Tim hurting a fly was ridiculous, he was sweet, overly so.

"So, you think you can stay the fuck out of trouble until I come back?"

Rae looked at Negan, he had his baseball bat snug between his thighs, his leather jacket was still speckled with blood, "can you?"

Negan chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkled with mischief that made him seem more boyish than Tim ever was, "definitely fucking not."

Suddenly she wondered what other women were on the receiving end of his non stop flirtatious advances, she guessed more than one and sighed. "So, um…" pride tried to stop Rae but something stronger forced her tongue, "when will you come back?"

"Sounds like you're missing me already baby doll," Negan said with a satisfied smirk. "I don't know when I can get back but I won't wanna go too long without the pleasure of your freckles."

Rae's cheeks heated and her inner 15 year old touched the bridge of her nose where she used to cover up with a thick layer of foundations that was a closer match to a tangerine than her own ivory skin. Of all the things she wondered why he said freckles, not that she was going to ask.

As she approached the front gate of her home she noticed Margo standing watch as gatekeeper, the position that was always filled by Mary during the day. Margo's face was even more displeased than usual and no doubt Rae would have to endure an earful about it later.

She parked the car below the porch steps where Grandma was standing stock still and what felt like scrutinising her every move. Rae sighed even more heavily, the mere idea of one of Grandma's scoldings and Margo's complaining was enough to make her want to turn the car around and head back out the gate.

She glanced at Negan, he would probably just love her being dressed down like she was a naughty child. She could picture the grin that would slip so easily across his face and the idea irritated her enough to remind him what an asshole he was. "I think it's best that we don't tell Grandma that you drugged me, don't you?"

Negan cocked his head to the side with a carefree shrug, "Grandma Ellie told me to do whatever-the-fuck it takes to keep you safe."

"Really? Whatever-the-fuck?"

"Maybe not in those exact words."

She didn't even want to look at the way he would be grinning so she made a quick escape, maneuvering around the car and opening the trunk to grab her holdall of clothes as well as the things she'd picked up for Zuzu and Carly's baby. She lugged the three large bags up the porch steps, squeezing past Grandma who was standing like a statue in the most awkward space.

Tim was no better standing in her way with his brow furrowed, his gaze looking at the ground rather than at her. He was probably still annoyed that she hadn't let him join her and Miguel yesterday. But the fact was Miguel wasn't returning alive and Tim was still here so whether he liked it or not didn't really matter. Tim had helped build the wall, he'd put solar panels on the roof but just like her he'd never taken another human life. If Miguel hadn't made it through last night then Tim's chances would have been even worse.

"I know you didn't want me to go yesterday but I'm back now…" Rae dropped the bags just inside the front door before turning to Grandma with a smile that she hoped conveyed hopefulness and certainty but Grandma was still statuesque, she hadn't even turned around, "it's over." Jacob was gone and for a first time in a long time they were safe.

"I thought you'd be back in time…" Grandma's voice was quiet, barely a broken whisper.

"What are you talking about? I'm here. I never said how long it would take. "

Grandma slowly turned, her hands worrying the hanky she was clutching, her eyes bloodshot and watery. Her mouth opened to say something but the words seemed to catch in her throat.

Rae's stomach plummeted. She couldn't speak either but she didn't need words to know that Sarah was gone.

"She… we couldn't…" tears rolled heavy down Grandma's cheeks as she looked past Rae's shoulder, into the house to where the stairs led to Sarah's bedroom, "we couldn't do it child. We thought you'd be back in time."

"I'm sorry Rae," Tim's fingers touched the skin of her neck and she jumped, a spark of reality that sent her feet running to where her mind had already flown. She kicked the bags of clothes as she fell through the door before pulling herself up the stairs two at a time.

There was no Zuzu keeping sentry in the hall, no crayons spread across the floor. The afternoon sun had dipped to the other side of the house and the hallway was a gloomy shade of grey, like the sky before a storm. She hadn't even reached the door before she could hear it. She knew. She knew right away what Grandma and Tim couldn't do. Shuffling, scraping, Sarah.

"Red?" Negan's voice was low, calming, the kind of voice you use to coax a child from a hiding spot under the bed and she realised the clambering footfalls on the stairs hadn't been hers alone.

"You were right. I should have stayed home." She looked at him, expecting him to gloat, wanting him to gloat, wanting to lash out at anything or anyone who could withstand it.

He leaned Lucille against the wall, holding out his hands, "just tell me what you want me to do baby."

Rae could hardly look at him, he wasn't suppose to be like this, he was supposed to be the arrogant ass who said all the wrong things and had an ego as big as the house. But his eyes were soft and his smile was gone, he just looked… compassionate, if he was even capable of such a thing.

"Just don't fucking look at me like that". She staggered into the door, pressing her face against the grains of wood. She knew that one day she'd have to say goodbye to Sarah she just never knew it would be today. She thought she'd be more prepared but she couldn't even remember the last thing she'd said to her sister, only that it hadn't been I love you or anything meaningful. She hadn't been there to hold her hand or stroke her hair. She hadn't even been here to stop her baby sister from becoming a monster. She'd let her down. All the shit she tried to do and in the end she'd let Sarah down.

Rae pulled her knife from her belt, it was still dirty from the halfers she'd killed in town. Tainted and blunted but she couldn't walk away and let her baby sister be one of them any longer. "I don't…" she rolled her hair against the door to face Negan, "I don't wanna ruin her face."

"Okay." He didn't try to tell her to leave or that he would do it. He didn't make her feel weak or useless. For what felt like the first time he treated her like she was his equal and not some stupid pet.

Rae pushed the door open with as much force as she could manage and Sarah went staggering backwards. The front of her nightgown was stained in a dried up mix of vomit and blood. In death she was moving with the strength she'd lost over the past few months and she charged at Rae, her eyes empty of spark or recognition. Her face was cruel and twisted in a way that Sarah's face had never been. Sarah was always sweet, kind and everyone's friend, people couldn't help but adore her from the moment she was born with her honey blonde curls and eyelashes as long as spiders legs. For the longest time Rae had thought she was nothing more than an annoying brat who was spoiled and favoured by everyone. Growing up had brought them closer, Zuzu had made their bond irrevocable.

Negan grabbed Sarah's arms to keep her steady and in a quick almost choreographed maneuver Rae slid her knife into the base of Sarah's skull like she'd done to countless halfers. In a matter of seconds the struggle was over, Sarah slumped into Negan's arms and he held her, carrying her to the bed before gently laying her down.

Rae slumped into the chair next to the bed and took Sarah's hand just like she usually did, except this time it was cold and her sister was really gone. She heard the door clicking shut before turning to see Negan had left. She was grateful, she knew Sarah would have hated having him in her room and seeing her like this. Rae didn't even like seeing her like this so she closed her eyes and rested her head against the mattress. "I'm sorry, brat."

/

Negan had helped Rae with her sister but he needed to get the fuck out of that room as quickly as possible. It brought back the sort of memories that he'd spent the past couple of years suppressing and now they were all bursting to the surface gasping for life. The overwhelming smell of disinfectant that never quite covered the stench of vomit and piss. The death lingering stale in every breath and splayed across every surface of the room, packets of pills, catheter pouches, medical supplies that belonged in the tiny private hospital rooms where you wait for the deathrattle that signals the end.

He ran out into the open air with Lucille tight in his hand and drank in the freshness of it all before he noticed beady eyes all looking his way. Negan straightened his back, telling himself to stop acting like a fucking pussy. He hadn't slept much and that was the only fucking excuse for the way he ran down those stairs. He walked past Grandma Ellie who was sobbing with Zuzu clutched to her chest and head over to Rae's potting shed and her hidden stash of cigarettes. Suddenly he felt guilty for crumpling one of her cancer sticks and throwing her damn lighter away. He really could be an asshole.

He put his back to the shed and thought about Lucille, not as a the bat he held in his hand or the persona he'd created to terrorise but in real terms, a real woman, the woman he'd asked to marry him, the woman he'd watched slip away. He'd stopped missing her as a conscious decision, he'd switched everything off and focused on one thing, staying alive. Maybe staying alive wasn't enough.

He could hear the metal scraping of a shovel as it ploughed through dirt and rock and followed the sound to see Timmy with his floppy hair and wiry glasses, emptying a rectangle in the ground next to two fresh graves.

Negan grabbed Timmy under his armpit and hauled him from the hole before he threw him against a nearby fence, "you're one weak minded little fuck Timmy. I knew you didn't have the fucking balls to step up to the plate but how the hell could you let her come home to that goddamn mess?"

Tim tried to stand straight, his eyes were red from what must have been hours of crying, "she turned so fast, we didn't think it would be that quick."

Negan threw Timmy back down the fucking well before he did something he might regret. He liked to think it was Lucille that called for blood but right now it was his own fist that wanted to smash into Timmy's face.

Negan knew he had a good thing going at the Sanctuary. He had an army of men under his command. What did Rae have? Women and pussies that couldn't even stop her sister from turning while she was outside fighting for their asses and putting her life on the line. The whole thing pissed him off.

Fuck, he swung Lucille, clipping a plant pot and sending it hurtling to the floor where it smashed. If he forced her home with him she'd probably hate the sanctuary as much as she'd hate him. If he left her here she would be vulnerable to whatever fucker decided to come along and have Rae and her people for themselves. Negan knew exactly what kind of assholes there were out there and exactly what could happen to a sweet little goldmine of women. But Negan was a selfish bastard. He wanted Rae more than ever so he needed to make this place work no matter what.

He walked the perimeter, checking every stick of the fort and making sure her people were posted in the best locations. He was sure some of his men would volunteer to live here with Rae full time. Most of them would probably give their left fucking nut to live here. The only question was which fuckers could he truly trust. Fucking hell, it was crazy for him to be even considering moving men in with Rae. He'd never been such an under the thumb asshole even when he was a married man. Negan laughed under his breath, this redhead was fucking him over with barely a single touch. He looked at the sun and resigned himself to another night at Miss Honey's house, but first he'd have to find Carson and Seth who were waiting at the farm across the field like obedient dogs

/

Autopilot had Rae shovelling the dirt into the hole like it was any other. She'd done this so many times before that she could almost forget who she was saying goodbye to. It was surreal, a series of well rehearsed motions that she did in a trance. All she could do was cling to the numb feeling because what came after would be worse.

Grandma read a passage from the bible, the sort of thing that was suppose to make people feel better about the shit sandwich they were choking down but Rae didn't listen. She blocked everything out, her eyes focusing on the blackbird that was sitting on the fence, silent witness to the whole farce like a tiny harbinger of death before it flew away, a tiny speck fading into the horizon. She realised the world had changed but not for the birds, they were always free. Just like Sarah.

Her gaze drifted over the people gathered around the grave and she realised Negan wasn't one of them. It didn't make her sad so much as jealous, she didn't want to be here watching people's grief like an outsider. Everyone seemed to be sobbing except for Rae and she wondered perversely if she should fake it? What if she'd run out of tears? What if she'd shed the last of them while hiding in her closet as Negan waited in her living room. She'd told herself she was crying for Miguel but she suspected it had been more for the idea of him, his strength and usefulness were the biggest loss she'd had in a long time.

"I'll be serving the last of the wine and we should all take the time to grieve everyone we've lost," Grandma announced, her hand folding into Zuzu's to try and tug her along but Zuzu wouldn't budge.

Rae knelt down, stroking Zuzu's little face and thinking just how much she looked like Sarah. "You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. We can sit here together if you want or we can-"

"I hate you! You're not my mummy! You killed her and I hate you!" Zuzu lashed her arms out clipping Rae on the cheek before she bolted, stomping over the seedlings that were freshly sprung and disappearing past the outbuildings. Rae didn't blame her, she wanted to disappear too.

A/N- Life and this chapter kicked my arse for the past couple of weeks so I'm pretty glad to finally be posting the thing! I Hope you enjoyed it :) And yes any Beatles fans who might be reading its named after the Beatles song Blackbird. And wow, I just realised this story has reached over 300 followers! I'm blown away, I can't believe it! Thank you, I love you all :)