Negan had told Seth and Carson to settle in for another night away from home and now he was walking back through the long grass to the matchstick fort that held Rae and her many complications. He didn't usually enjoy a difficult woman with a shit-tonne of baggage but none of the other women who had fallen into his post apocalyptic lap had held his attention quite like a certain fiery redhead.
He thought about the way she'd looked standing on Grandma's porch when realisation had walked right up and smacked her in the face. In fact he'd been thinking about her crestfallen look on his entire walk over to Carson and Seth. It was a look he knew the exact feeling of and nothing he could have done would have spared her from that. It had made him feel powerless for the first time in a long time and that bothered him. Guilt wasn't the only emotion that Rae was rekindling in his long smothered conscience. She was reminding him of the way it was to really give a shit. Not just counting numbers and taking names but really seeing people and giving a damn what happened to them. It bothered him, he didn't fucking like it at all.
Negan knelt down with a groan to fasten the lace of his boot when, through the fence and the tall grass, he spotted tiny legs running at full pelt before they went stumbling with a yelp and a slap of palms hitting dirt.
He finished the knot of his bootlace and carefully stood to see Little Red picking herself up from the floor, her hands covered in grazes, the knees of her dungarees all scuffed, but that didn't stop her. With her nose running and her eyes streaming she carried on running, darting over the fence before disappearing into the long grass and rustling along like a little rabbit.
Negan glanced over to the matchstick fort then back to Little Red with a resigned sigh, she was running away and doing a damn good job of it too. Fucking hell, he scratched his scruff in agitation. Little kids were not his fucking scene at all. Even when he was a kid he wasn't sure it had been his fucking scene.
He swung Lucille onto his shoulder and tread as fast and light as he could go to keep up with her runaway rusling. When she finally stopped she was curled up between a river bank and a tree. He approached carefully but the ground underfoot changed from soft grass and dirt to a mix of rock and brush that was crunchy enough to give up his stealthy game. Pigtails bobbed as her head span to catch a glimpse of his intrusion.
He grinned but it was only half formed, "hey kid."
Zuzu just stared at him, too sad to be afraid of him anymore and with the empty sigh she snuffled, far too beaten to even move.
He stepped a little closer and took a kneel, "does your Auntie Rae know you're out here by yourself?"
Zuzu didn't react, she didn't even blink, he had an urge to reach out and click his fingers in front of her vacant expression but resisted and that was it, he was pretty much out of fucking ideas at this point. He had zero clues how to speak to a five year old and he had little to no interest in them either. He stood back up, blowing air through his nose before stepping back, giving her some space and taking a seat against a tree across from her.
"Go away," her voice was pure venom, her glare a look that could kill and Negan couldn't help but burst out laughing. The kid was like a miniature Rae with all that red hair and attitude. Jesus christ, it must run in the family to be a sassy, pain in the ass. No wonder there were hardly any fucking men around these women, they probably offered them up as a blood sacrifice once a damn month.
"Don't laugh at me," she pouted, her tiny hands clenching into fists.
"Sorry Kid." He held up his hands, hell he didn't need another beating, "you've had shitty day, I get it. You got five more minutes out here then I'm taking you back before your Grandma Ellie kicks my ass and strings you up by your pigtails."
She wiped her nose on the sleeve of her tatty pink sweater, drawing her knees against her chest, "you said a swear."
"Shit happens kid." Negan stood, flicked the collar of his jacket up to block out the breeze that was chasing the retreating sun. He began to walk away and stopped, turning to look at the way her fists were still clenched tight about her scuffed knees, "I'm sorry about your Mom, kid."
Zuzu was back to ignoring him and he was content as a cat in a vat of cream at the situation. He moved far enough away to give her some privacy but close enough to still keep an eye on her in case she got any ideas and tried to be smart. When her five minutes were up he gave her ten more then called, "come on little red, time's up."
To his surprise she didn't need asking twice. She walked to his side, following at his heel with her nose sniffling with every other reluctant step as they walked back through the long grass. They hadn't made it back to the road when he heard Rae's frantic voice calling out for Zuzu. Negan smiled to himself, giving himself a mental pat on the back for fucking sorting out her problems yet again.
He helped little red over the fence as his eyes searched out Rae to be reminded just how long her legs were and how fucking hot she looked holding onto a giant rifle. Jesus fuck, was it weird that watching her with that gun did things to him? Was it weird that merely seeing her did things to him but not in the same way? He swung himself over the fence, turning his back to Rae and taking the time he needed to wipe the weird look he could feel glazing over his eyes.
"Zuzu!" He could hear the relief in the way Rae's voice broke as fast footfalls pounded against the dirt. He hopped off the fence in time to see her falling hard to her knees, the rifle slinging to her shoulder as she plastered little red against her body like a human bandaid. She held her smothering tight, her frantic breaths quieting before she peeled Zuzu from her chest and gave her a hard stare that apparently wasn't just reserved for his indiscretions. He felt bad for the kid, that bottle green stare could cut like broken glass.
"Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to run away like that? You could have been hurt, or worse!" she shook Zuzu lightly, her voice shrill, halfway between furious and hysterical. "You silly girl! What if something had happened to you? What if I couldn't find you? What if-"
"Alright, Jesus Fuck Red, give the kid a fucking break." He yanked Rae's ass up.
"Don't tell me what to do," she thrust her finger into his chest, "you don't know the first thing about raising a child."
"I know you're scaring the goddamned shit outta her."
"Yeah! Well, there's scarier things than me outside those walls!" she pointed to her home with a point well made.
"You know what," he gritted his teeth trapping a frustrated laugh at the absurdity of the situation, "I'm not fucking fighting with you over how to raise a fucking kid." He did not fucking sign up for this shit. He picked up Zuzu in one hand and with the other grabbed Rae by the crook of her arm, hauling both trouble making redheads home.
How he had ended up in the little house on the prairie, waste deep in women with none of them fucking him, was beyond him. Completely fucking beyond him but not completely unenjoyable either, that was the real fucking problem.
/
When they entered the walls of the fort, Negan let go of Rae's arm and set Zuzu on her feet. She wanted to pick her niece up, squeeze her close and tell her she was sorry for losing her temper. She wanted to make Zuzu understand that the idea of losing her was more terrifying than any she could imagine. She was going to make things right but she barely had a chance to move when Zuzu was already running with purpose, making a line straight for Carly's open arms.
She nestled her little red head against Carly's soft chest and found the motherly comfort she craved while Rae stood empty handed. Except that wasn't quite true, the rifle fell from its place at her shoulder and she held it with both hands while another woman held Sarah's baby.
What did she expect? Over past couple of years, when Zuzu had needed her the most, she hadn't been home. She'd been out, scavenging, hunting, farming, doing whatever it took to keep people alive. She swallowed the hurt of losing Zuzu to Carly and focused on the fact that Sarah's only baby was sleeping safely tonight.
Maybe she had to give up being anyone's favourite person. Maybe she needed to settle for being the one who was the first volunteer for whatever it was that needed doing. She looked at Negan and thought about the way he spoke to his men, the rules he had, the way he dominated and she got it, she got him. He'd taken to this world like a duck to water, she was a little more cautious, one toe at a time, slowly sinking and doing her best to keep her head above the water but in the end they were both just trying to make it to the same side; keeping people alive.
Rae hitched the gun back on her shoulder and wiped her hands over her face. It was dark now but this shitty day still had plenty of hours left. It felt like it would never end and she would be trapped forever in the day she'd buried her little sister.
She shut her eyes and felt Grandma's bony arm settling across her shoulder, "you wash up child and I'll serve you and Negan some supper."
Rae's stomach turned over at the idea of food, "I'm not hungry."
Grandma squeezed her tighter, her voice stern, "you'll eat."
She was exhausted but she wasn't an infant. She was about to open her mouth and unleash holy hell when there was a tug at her jacket and Grandma's ironclad grip loosened. "I got her Grandma Ellie," Negan crooned like he was just one of the family, "you go on inside sweetheart, get yourself out of the cold."
Rae opened her eyes in time to catch Negan winking at Grandma. His lips curved into a smile that didn't belong with the way she was feeling as the numbness started to crumble, giving way to something stronger. She wasn't sure she was ready.
She thrust her hands into the pockets of her jacket and turned on her heel to walk towards the potting shed. She had no cigarettes, or anything else to slow the feelings swelling in the pit of her stomach and that only made the feelings intensify. Moments like these deserved a cigarette or a large brandy, that was what Grandma passed her when they lost their first person to the halfers. An almost full tumbler of brandy that sank so sweetly into her veins and made the shock a little more bearable.
Right now Rae was running on frayed nerves that played montage to all the terrible things she'd endured in the past couple of years. She supposed even brandy couldn't touch a day like today. She grabbed her terracotta pot from its hiding space and rubbed her thumb over the hair line crack that made it unfit for purpose, too weak to hold soil and now too empty to hold value. She turned, taking three fast steps and cast it over the wall with a grunt, listening for the tinkle of broken pieces and wondering who would pick them up, if anyone.
"Nice pitch." Negan's voice didn't startle her, part of her knew he would follow.
"Thanks coach," her voice was wooden, stilted, an automatic response that fell from her lips without quite reaching every corner of her weary brain.
He moved behind her, kicking her foot into position and taking control of her throwing arm, "I mean you could improve your form." He cast her arm into a fake throw that brought her body closer to his, the curves of her body settling like two pieces of a puzzle into his. She leaned her head against his chest, the rise and fall of his breathing rocking her as his arms held her tight. She ignored the part of her brain that thought he was an unforgivable asshole and gave into the part that thought his arms felt nice, safe even.
She felt her nose nuzzling against her hair before tender lips pressed warm against her head, the last of the numb feelings seemed to choose that very moment to melt away with the softness if his kiss. She held her breath, trying desperately to fight what was building at the back of her throat.
"I'm sorry about your sister baby," he breathed the words so delicately that she was lost, she couldn't fight it. She'd lost Sarah and no matter what she wanted, it was going to hurt like hell.
It started with one single tear rolling free down her cheek where it faded to nothingness but it was like the first crack in the dam as the tears snuck out bigger and more easily. She pulled herself from the safety of his arms, clutching her wasting trying to hold herself together.
"I'm not sorry," Rae's voice was broken, she didn't want to be broken, she pushed away the hurt and chased after the anger as she turned to look at Negan, "I'm not sorry! God, I'm so fucking tired of being sorry. Mary, Miguel, Sarah… hell even Jacob, they're all free."
Negan gave her this look, like he didn't know what to say and the worse part was she knew the feeling well. So many times had she been the one to break the news that a person's loved one wasn't coming home and grief was a inconsolable beast.
"I feel sorry for us. Tomorrow we have to wake up and we have to keep going. Finding food, fighting, watching people die, it's exhausting. I'm sick to death of feeling sorry and sad," she pushed away her tears in a frantic drag of fingers under her eyes. She was sick of crying, she wanted something else and despite his ego, Negan was the only person who made her forget about the monsters and worry.
Rae stepped towards him, her eyes locking with his as she unzipped his jacket and placed her palms on his chest. He watched her in silence, his eyes espresso dark as she slowly slid her hands to his shoulders, her fingers brushing the collar of his shirt, "I wanna feel something else."
A/N- Thank you for reading :) And for all my lovely comments on the last chapter! :D I've started a new story, Princesspea Writes Prompts. Please check it out, its where I'll be collecting all my oneshots/drabbles that I write when I have writers block on this story x