Chapter 3-Warm Milk
Finn and Kurt do their usual brotherly bonding over warm milk.
Finn thinks given all the excitement of the day, that maybe he'll easily fall asleep. But his insomnia rears its ugly head again, and Finn is helpless to do anything but lie there in the dark. That discussion Finn thinks he needs to have could happen now; Kurt is here. Not even just in Lima here, but here, in his room, with him. But for all the excitement that Finn had felt, he knew Kurt had also had a long day. And he just couldn't wake him up to burden him with his problems because it wouldn't be a quick and easy conversation. This is an epic, brotherly sort of conversation. One that should probably start with some of Kurt's favorite, warm milk and a plate full of cookies or maybe some of his mother's banana nut loaf.
Finn rolls over onto his side, facing the bed and comes face to face with Kurt, who is right on Finn's side of the bed, his hand hanging down over the edge. Even in the darkness, Finn can tell Kurt's face is smooshed into the pillow. Finn smiles slightly, happy that Kurt had fallen asleep given how exhausted he'd been earlier. But his smile quickly disappears when he hears sniffling coming from the pillow, and he watches as Kurt's shoulders shudder with what Finn can only assume are sobs.
Finn reaches out and takes Kurt's hand in his. "Kurt?"
Kurt looks up from the pillow; his eyes and cheeks glistening with tears in the low light that slips through the curtains. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't," Finn assures Kurt with a shake of his head. "What's wrong?"
"I can't- I can't sleep," Kurt hiccups.
"Me neither," Finn confesses.
"I was so worried," Kurt says in a whisper. He puts his face back into the pillow and sobs softly again.
Finn sits up and rubs Kurt's back in what he hopes is a comforting manner. The sobs seem to subside after a while, and Finn hopes he played a small part in that. "Do you want me to make us some warm milk?"
Kurt lifts his head from the pillow and smiles at Finn, the tips of his perfect, white teeth glimmering in the night as he nods his head.
Finn stands up and walks over to the door, not noticing until he's in the hall that Kurt is right behind him. He lowers his voice as they pass Sam's room. "I was just going to bring it up when it's done."
Kurt waits until they are on the stairs to respond. "I don't want to be alone."
Finn nods, because that makes sense. He doesn't bother to turn on the lights, just grabs a small saucepan from the cupboard and fills it three quarters of the way with milk before setting it on the stove, turning it on low.
Kurt sits down at the island, watching Finn move about the kitchen. "So what else is going on with you? How are classes?"
"Classes are ok," Finn shrugs. "I've been having some issues sleeping, and that's kind of rolling over into my concentration in class. Thankfully I know people in all of my classes, so I've been borrowing and copying notes," he pauses as he grabs a spoon from the drawer. "Hopefully it won't be an issue."
"Why are you having issues sleeping?" Kurt asks, his brows furrowed in concern. "What's going on?"
"Just got stuff on my mind," Finn says as he moves over to start stirring the milk. "Feels like I can't shut off my brain at night. Kinda like in sophomore year with everything that was going on with Quinn."
Kurt nods; he can kind of understand what Finn is saying. All day it's felt like he couldn't shut off his brain either no matter how much he wanted to. "We can discuss it over our warm milk."
Finn blanches for a moment, turning to look at Kurt, "It's a little complicated and a long conversation for tonight." He smiles kind of shyly at Kurt then, "But maybe tomorrow or before you go back to New York? I kind of thought I was going to have to wait until you came back for your dad's appointment to talk to you about stuff."
"You could have just called Finn," Kurt says. "If you need to talk, I'm going to make time for you." Kurt shakes his head sadly.
Finn takes down two mugs and puts them on the counter in front of Kurt. "I know. It's just not a phone kind of conversation. It's a face to face one." Finn chuckles softly. "It's really a warm milk one but we're both too exhausted for it tonight."
Kurt smiles at Finn then. "Well, you've definitely piqued my curiosity now Finn."
"Don't worry, it'll keep," Finn insists with a shake of his head. He pours the two mugs of milk and then rinses the pot. Finn picks up his mug of milk when he's done and walks around the island, heading for the stairs.
"Where are you going?" Kurt asks as he picks up his own mug.
"Upstairs," Finn replies. He stops at the bottom and turns to look at Kurt. "Dude, I'm exhausted and you're like practically sleep walking. If we drink this down here, you're gonna pass out on me and I'm gonna have to carry you back upstairs," Finn ducks his head as a blush warms his cheeks at the way the end of that sentence came out.
"Uh, yeah, let's not let that happen," Kurt agrees as he joins Finn on the stairs.
It's a tight fit for both of them to squeeze onto the bed, leaning up against the wall, with the pillows behind their backs; their shoulders touching, arms brushing and legs pressed against each other.
"This has been the craziest day," Finn says as he finishes his milk and puts his mug on the nightstand.
Kurt nods slowly, agreeing silently with Finn. "When Carole called, my first thought was my Dad. But getting to hear his voice, it calmed me a little." Kurt lays his own mug aside and slumps down on the bed a little, leaning slightly against Finn. "But then Dad told me about the lockdown at the school and that there was a shooter and no one could get a hold of you."
Finn sees Kurt's eyes blink rapidly a couple of times, tears glistening on the tips of his lashes. He snakes his arm around Kurt and pulls him even closer. "I'm so sorry Kurt. I didn't even think you know, that mom calling you would make you think something was wrong with your dad."
Kurt turns his head, looking up at Finn. "It's not like it's your fault. I just- maybe it's better not to let anyone in." Kurt bends his head, tucking himself under Finn's shoulder, resting his head against Finn's chest.
"I think that kinda defeats the purpose of school, Dude," Finn chuckles.
Kurt chuffs out something like a laugh. "That's not what I meant Finn- and I'm pretty sure you know that. It's just, you know, letting people in, letting love in, letting people get past my walls; it's not easy for me. And when things like this happen it makes me wonder if it's even worth it."
Finn nods at first, because yes, he kind of understands what Kurt was trying to say and it had nothing to do with not letting people into the school. "Wait- what do you mean if it's worth it?"
"I mean, of course I love my dad and my mom, but then she died and it still hurts, Finn. Not every day, but it's still there, all the time." Kurt sniffles a little and begins to toy with the drawstring on his pants. "And when my Dad got sick, I was a wreck. But thankfully he got better, for a while anyway, and then you and Carole joined our family and it wasn't easy letting your guys in so fully. I know I set them up, but I don't think I ever anticipated it would end like this."
"Hey, nothing is ending," Finn whispers. "We're family; we're always going to be a family. Your mom didn't stop being your mom just because Burt married my mom. My dad is still my dad even if my mom is married to Burt. We just all get to be a little happier now."
"I know," Kurt nods against Finn's chest. "But now, with you and Carole, I have two more people to worry about losing. And then there's Blaine. I let him in and then he hurt me so badly Finn; and sure he didn't die, but I kind of felt like I did. And for sure, part of what we had, part of what was special about us, died then." Kurt begins to sob softly, clutching the material of Finn's shirt in his hands.
"I guess you were pretty happy to see Blaine when you got here; to know he was safe," Finn murmurs.
Kurt shakes his head back and forth a couple of times and then looks up at Finn. "I mean, yes, I'm glad he was ok. That Sam and Tina and everyone were ok too. But honestly, I wasn't thinking about Blaine or any of them on my way home."
"Oh," Finn swallows harshly. The look Kurt was giving him was so intense, so full of pain, and yet, undeniably vulnerable.
"All I could think about, the only one I was worried about was you," Kurt whispers. His eyes flutter closed and he buries his face into Finn's chest again. "I didn't have a single thought about Blaine until I saw his car out on the street. It's like he didn't even exist."
"Of course," Finn breathes deeply. "My mom called you, Dude. I think it makes sense that you were concerned about me." Finn shakes his head a little to clear away the thoughts trying to creep in. Now was not the time for Finn to think about Kurt only being worried about him and what that might mean. It was not the time to talk to Kurt about his own confusing feelings about their relationship.
"It's like, here's another person I love another part of my family that was almost taken away from me," Kurt says softly. "Why does this keep happening to me?"
"Hey," Finn says, as he grabs Kurt's chin between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm not going anywhere; you're not going to lose me. Okay?" Finn lets his own eyes close at the intensity of feelings that are coursing through him.
"I couldn't remember the last time I told you how much you mean to me," Kurt whispers. "I'm not good at showing or saying stuff like that. Not like you. And it was scary to think that you might be gone and not know how I feel."
"Dude, no Kurt, I know," Finn says, his eyes still closed, his heart beating a little too wildly for his comfort. "If there is anything I'm sure of, it's you. That you're in my corner and you are going to support me no matter how stupid I'm being. Because we're family and we love each other." Finn's eyes fly open and he looks at Kurt for a moment. "You do know that right?"
Kurt nods. "I mean, I couldn't exactly remember exactly, the last time you said it. But ever since things have changed between us, I've always known that you are my biggest supporter."
"Good," Finn says. He brings his hand up to cradle Kurt's head and guide it towards his chest, encouraging Kurt to rest against him again. Kurt relaxes and lays his head against Finn, as Finn's fingers massage gently at his scalp. "Wanna know a secret about today?"
"Ok," Kurt says sleepily.
"At first, when I heard the gunshots, I was going to leave the auditorium and try to help or something," Finn says. "But like the instant my hand hit the door handle, all I could think of was Mom and Burt and you. We've all lost someone from our families already and I just couldn't handle thinking about what would happen if I forced you guys to lose me too." Finn exhales loudly, "That sounds pretty conceited huh?"
Kurt shakes his head against Finn's chest.
"Besides, I think maybe I've used up all of my surviving a gunshot mojo," Finn attempts to joke.
"That's not even a little bit funny, Finn Hudson," Kurt says softly around a yawn.
"I know," Finn laments. His fingers continue to gently massage at Kurt's scalp; especially near his temple. "Anyhow, so then I just kind of high tailed it under one of the rows of seats and tried to hide myself as best I could. I shut off my phone so it wouldn't give me away or distract me." Finn can tell by the way Kurt's breathing is changing that he's almost asleep. "I tried to just focus on listening and keeping myself safe but I couldn't help but think about things, about people. Like you said, hoping they knew how much they meant to me." Finn's head falls back against the wall gently, his eyes closing. "I kept thinking what if this was it for me, and I didn't get a chance to make things right. The chance to know what could have been."
There's no response to what Finn says so he opens his eyes and looks down at Kurt, who appears be asleep. Finn attempts to extract himself from Kurt, without jostling him too much and waking him up, so he can turn off the lamp and go back to his makeshift bed on the floor.
"Don't go, please," Kurt whispers as he tightens his arms around Finn. "I can hear your heartbeat this way and I know you're still here with us."
"Ok," Finn says softly, swallowing down his nerves. "Just, let me get the light, and grab us a blanket, all right."
"Mmmm," Kurt murmurs sleepily.
Instead of standing up, Finn just stretches over, and across Kurt's almost asleep form, pressing their bodies flush against each other, to switch off the floor lamp between the bed and the desk. Finn rolls back, gently pulling Kurt with him, and reaches down to grab his blanket off the floor. He spreads the blanket over himself and Kurt and that is when he realizes that his left arm that is trapped behind Kurt. He brings his hand up and rests it between Kurt's waist and his hip, his fingers gently splaying and covering a larger area. And Finn's left leg is under Kurt's; resulting in Kurt's body almost straddling the left side of his. Finn swallows thickly. He's not uncomfortable; in fact, he's feeling quite happy to be laying there with Kurt. Finn reaches up with his right hand and lightly covers Kurt's left hand that is resting on the right side of Finn's chest. "I'm not going anywhere Kurt, I promise."
~~~~~A/N: my thanks to roserosa for her time and some suggestions & tips on this chapter