Chapter 46 "Brothers"

A/N: (16 March 2017) "Thank you" is so inadequate. I asked for your help, and you gave it with a generosity that went so far beyond my wildest hopes. Thank you for setting me back on track, letting me know your thoughts, and receiving your support. If I only write for those jewels who responded, that's plenty of reason to keep going with the story, as is. I will be true to it, and share this with you, with gratitude overwhelming. You helped me, and I need to keep taking you on this journey. I realize numbers are not the definition of "success" – you are the only readers I need. I love you.

So let's get to the journey. It is a mixed chapter, and it may seem dark at the end, but there has to be dark for light to follow. It will, I promise! Have confidence that hope is alive and well and about to take over the world again. But one step at a time. I won't rush this. But have hope! I will never leave you hopeless!

I am back on a roll, so expect frequent updates.

CBS owns Hawaii Five-0.

Chapter 46 "Brothers"

(Sunday, Christmas evening 2016, 6 p.m.)

Danny had wakened from a short nap at about 5, just in time for the nurse to bring in his paper cup of pill-form medications, which he took in one swallow of water, and his dinner, on a hospital tray with compartments for different foods. His tray had tiny portions in the various compartments, but it was vastly improved from a taste of peanut butter. It was a real Christmas dinner, too. Danny was hungry, and ate his turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, almost-visibly-buttered dinner roll, and the slice of apple pie that couldn't even be stretched to three bites. He finished off with the little cup of mandarin orange slices, drank his tea, and felt full. His mind had refused to think about anything while he ate. His emotions seemed to be in hiding. And he thought that was probably a very good thing. Still, deep within him he felt a bubble rising, and knew it would not be too much longer before numbness gave way to desire for information, facts. Danny knew he wasn't emotionally ready, but neither could he bear the thought of another blindside.

But he was not ready, not quite yet.

No sooner had he finished then Steve had returned, with a bag of carry-out, and the I'm-in-heaven aroma wafting from that bag woke up Danny's tummy even more than the label on it. "Bob's Big Burger!" he said, with discernible enthusiasm.

Steve had smiled widely, glad to see Danny's reaction. "I asked Doc C if you could have a bite, and he said yes, one, with no mayo. So I had them hold the mayo, but I didn't have them hold any of the other condiments, or the cheese and bacon. This one's stacked, Danny. I mean, it's big."

Danny repeated, his voice oozing pleasure and approval, "'Cheese and bacon!' I love you. And Bob's Big Burgers are legendarily big. Cut me my bite or I will have to attack you with my empty tray and plastic eating utensils. I warn you, I feel very motivated."

Steve had laughed. "Okay okay! Hand me that plastic knife and let's see if it's up to tackling this beautiful burger."

It was. If it hadn't, Steve would have ripped off a piece. In fact, it surprised Danny that Steve used the knife.

"I like your definition of a 'bite'."

"It's Christmas, Danny. Go large or go home."

"Damn straight. I get fries, too, right?"

"I didn't ask Doc about that, but who goes to Bob's without getting fries with their burger? Let's assume he said yes. I did have them hold the salt a little? But I got ketchup packets. So, here ya go, buddy." He extracted a quarter of the fries from the container and reverently placed them on the empty main compartment of Danny's food tray, along with ketchup.

"Thank you, Steven!"

"You bet. Merry Christmas, Danny."

"Merry Christmas, Steve."

Danny of necessity made his bite into two large bites, and Steve finished off the rest of the burger, each man eating with appropriately appreciative sound effects.

Napkins were put to use, compliments on the fare exchanged, and a companionable silence had fallen while Steve drank his beer and Danny sipped on ice water.

"Are you allowed to get out of that bed yet? Want to go for a walk?" asked Steve, finally. "It's almost sunset."

"If a nurse comes screaming at us with security, we will know it is not allowed. Let's make a hobble for it. I'm sure I can manage that."

Danny was tired, but a walk sounded like a very good idea. He was beginning to feel like he had exchanged the box for a hospital room, and it was time to get another look at the bigger world. He had yet to allow them to close the curtains on the window. The sky outside was beginning to tint with the gentle colors of what promised to be a postcard sunset, and Danny felt the absolute need to see it.

.

H50 H50 H50

.

And now the two men were sitting on a bench on the little patio only four doors down from Danny's room. The walk hadn't been bad, and the nurses had been glad to see their patient up and on his feet, walking without assistance, but with Steve's presence at his side, ready to catch him if he stumbled, and carrying a folded blanket in case Danny got cold.

He didn't stumble. He needed to be outside. The bubble was rising.

But it waited for sunset to flame into colors heaven smiled at, and the two friends enjoyed in silence. When they faded into darkness lit by stars, Steve commented, "That was a good one. My dad used to say that was God showing off."

Danny smiled, staring at the stars rather than the lights of Tripler's exterior at night. "When I looked into Grace's face, just after she was born, I knew God was showing off. And now she's growing up on me, and God is still showing off. You saw how beautiful she is. Inside and outside."

Steve nodded. Danny felt it more than saw it. "I noticed, Danny. Pretty soon, the male of the species is going to notice her in a big way. Be ready."

"They notice already. But they know her daddy is a cop who carries a gun and a badge and has friends who carry guns and badges. But now she's starting to notice them." He sighed. "Terrifies me."

"Yup. I think Nehele likes her."

"Worse, she likes Nehele. But he's a good kid, and won't hurt her."

"But what about Charlie? God showed off pretty good there, too, don't you think?" asked Steve.

"He's such a sweet little goof. How did I get so lucky? He called me Daddy." Danny finally looked at Steve. "But when he was born, I was robbed of so much. I thought he was Stan's. I was right there, and afraid to ask to hold him, because I had no right to. I was on this high when Grace was born, this omigod I'm a father high, scared to death, full of hopes and dreams and utter terror and pride and a thousand other emotions. But with Charlie, I felt cheated, like he wasn't mine, like I wished he was mine, and so all the emotions were sad. Rachel robbed me of the joy of Charlie's birth."

"But you were there."

Danny's heart was twisting. "I was there, but I didn't get to feel what a father should get to feel when his child is born, and Rachel knew she was cheating me. She knew Charlie was my son, but she was lying." He shook his head, unable to put his jumbled feelings into words. "The doctor cut the cord. I should have cut the cord. I should have been as elated as Rachel, instead of hiding all the knives that were sticking into my heart as my ex who I almost reconciled with gave birth to another man's son, and who I saw from time to time because he was there when I went to pick up Grace, but I missed his first words, his steps, his teething, his spit-ups, his diapers, all the things … all the things a father doesn't want to miss." He sighed heavily and looked down at his blanket draped knees. "And the daughter I never got to know. My mind is numb. My heart is aching and torn. My daughter, and Rachel didn't even tell me about her. Gone. Unknown."

The bubble was almost ready to burst, and it had come with a vanguard of tears.

Steve nodded, his eyes more on Danny than the constellations. He felt something coming. But what came suddenly … surprised him.

Danny was back to looking at the constellations, winking like jewels in the velvet heavens. "Steve. I need to know everything that happened, after we were drugged right up to when you found me. I can't know there is so much I don't know, and when will it jump out at me. I can't accidentally overhear something, or just know that I don't know. I need to know all of it. Please." The last word was delivered, Danny's no-longer-numb eyes staring up into his. "Please," he repeated.

Steve hesitated. "Are you sure you are ready? Today has already been rough on you."

Danny nodded, and stilled, and nodded again. "It has been. I don't know … I may not be ready, but I know I can't not know anymore. Steve, I need to know."

A half hour later, Steve had told him everything and was finally showing him the viedo from Mo's phone. "We … we don't think Stan did anything worse, Danny. Because he would have gloated about it. And he didn't. So this is the worst of it. How … please tell me how I can help you, Danny. I can see you closing up, and you can't do that now. You have to let us help you."

"Who?" Danny's voice cracked, and he brushed away a traitorous tear, just when he was struggling not to break down again. "Who has seen that?"

"Mo's phone? Uh. All of Five-0, uh, your Doc, uh, a few others." He rattled off the names of a judge and a couple therapists.

"God! So many." Danny suddenly had to get away, as far as he could. He only made it to the plexiglass barrier around the patio before the tears tore out again, quietly. His body hunched over as his hands covered his face.

Steve picked up the fallen blanket, after pocketing the phone. He had feared this, and was uncertain. But he simply could not bear to see Danny in so much pain, pulling away.

He took a step toward his brother. Danny took another step away. Steve felt his own tears threatening. "No, Danny, you can't … you just can't shut us out. Please, you can't do that. We're here to help you. We need to help you! We love you, and we need you to let us help you. You're my brother!"

Danny hesitated, vacillated, but then turned and walked into Steve's arms, burying his hands-covered face against Steve's chest, and sobbed, two tiny, pleading words making it past Danny's hands. "Help me."

Steve wrapped the blanket around him and held him tight. "You bet."