Shit. The first thing that crosses your mind is the urge to close the door and pretend this isn't happening. But that face, those eyes, those pleading eyes take advantage of the weakness in your knees and she storms right past you into the apartment.
Her gaze lingers on the bags and the box by your doorway. "I told Cavanaugh he must be mistaken, that there's no way Jane Rizzoli would leave Boston without telling her family." She pauses and turns her gaze straight to your eyes. "She wouldn't leave without telling me."
She closes her eyes and she looks like she might break. You swallow hard and crush down on the desire to comfort her. That's not your place.
"Tell me he's wrong," she demands, commanding your attention again. But you can't. You just stare back unflinchingly, unapologetically. The resolve in your appearance seems to force her to sob.
"You weren't going to tell me you're leaving?"
You stick your hands in your pockets and your teeth clench.
"We're best friends, Jane." But you wonder if that's really true anymore. You barely see each other, and even though you've tried, you haven't been there for her. Tommy's there for her now. You watch as she gets more upset and channels that into anger.
"How would you react if I tried to leave you and never look back?" Oh, doesn't she understand? She already had. She's already left you alone. This is you trying to break surface because if you stay here you will drown. This… this is the aftermath.
"I deserve more than that." You can't argue with that statement. It's part of why you're leaving. She deserved what she wanted. More than you. Tommy. And now you're letting her have it.
"Damn it, Jane, say something!" Her eyes flash with fury and impatience. It's the first time you've heard her swear.
You're leaving tonight. Nothing will stop you. You don't plan on seeing her anytime soon. So you tell her the truth, even as it kills you over again to say the words. You stare at the wall beside her because you can't look her in the eyes with this confession.
"Maur-" but you cut yourself off. "Maura," you continue, "I – I've been in love with you. Forever, it feels like. But you wanted Tommy and Tommy wanted you and I just wanted you to be happy. He told, no he promised me that he would make you happy."
You take a shuddering breath and chance a glance at her. She looks shell-shocked, completely taken aback and it makes you feel more confident in your decision. If she had never known, had never had an inkling of your feelings, then she really did want Tommy. It steeled your resolve.
You could leave it there, but you know her. Know she needs more than just this. She doesn't have all the facts yet, so she won't be happy yet.
"I just – I can't live like this anymore. I can't sleep, I barely eat, I can hardly breathe anymore, knowing that I'm not the one putting that adorable dimple on your face, knowing that my brother and not me is the cause for your happiness. I just can't."
She looks like she wants to say something, but nothing comes out when her mouth opens. So you keep going. For her, but for you as well. Maybe you'll be able to sleep once the truth comes out. Maybe if one person who stays here knows the reasons for your leaving, maybe they'll forgive you at some point. Maybe.
"I thought that seeing you happy and knowing you were happy would be enough. I thought I could live with that, in time maybe it would be enough and I could move on. But it's not. I'm not the kind of daughter my mother always wanted. I'm not the sister that Frankie has looked up to all his life – not anymore. And as much as I want to be, I'm not the Jane that can look past her feelings and give Tommy her blessing."
You sigh and it sounds ancient, like this weight has followed you since the dawn of time. You wonder what's going through her mind at all of these revelations you're giving her, but she looks too shocked to say anything, looks like she's not even listening. Like she just stopped. Like you did so many months ago.
"I'm not your best friend, Maura," you say and she almost chokes. "If I was, I could do this. But I'm not. I'm the woman skipping town because I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you, Doctor Isles. But you are happy and it's not because of me and it's killing me. Can you see that in a way I'm doing this for you, too?"
You shake your head as the doctor reaches for your kitchen island for balance.
"You have the family and all the love that you so deserve. But you don't need me acting as an anchor, holding you back."
The doctor's crying has escalated and it makes you feel sorry for causing her this pain as much as it vindicates you for loving someone so easy to love, so worthy of love.
"You can hate me for not being strong enough to watch you marry my brother. It's okay. I understand. Just remember that you don't need me anymore. You've never needed me."
You let out a shaky breath.
"But I need to figure out how not to need you. I just need to forget you. Or at least forget that I love you. If I can forget that, then one day I can be genuinely happy for the both of you. But today I can't. And I will never be able to so long as you are one phone call, five floors, or ten minutes' drive away."
You sniffle, but refuse to cry. You've already made your decision.
The pizza guy appears in the doorway. You look at him then back at Maura. "I'll get the pizza from you downstairs," you tell him and something he must see in your face makes him know better than to question anything. He leaves.
You walk to the door and sling your bags on your shoulders. You pick up the heavy box. And then you look back at her, at her beautiful, broken form that you caused.
"Goodbye, Maura." And you leave. It is not your responsibility nor your prerogative to pick up the pieces you've left behind. She has a fiancé and a huge, loving family who will make up for whatever hole you leave behind.
You pay the pizza guy and hail a cab. You give the pizza to a homeless guy outside of Logan because you can't even think of eating anything. You check your luggage, breeze through security, and board your flight.
The plane takes off. But you're asleep. You wake up when you land two hours later, amazed. You take it as a sign that you've made the right decision. So when you stumble into your new apartment at 2:30am, you set the alarm on your phone and fall onto the bed.
You sleep and you dream. Mostly of her. Her with you and not Tommy. Your heart grows heavier in your chest.
It will take far longer than you'd thought to forget her, you realize suddenly. But it's a dream and the thought drifts away as soon as it arrives.
Finally. You sleep.
As requested, this is continued in its own fic. Look for "Run" and there it shall be.