Chapter 14, The power of Santana
(Santana)
.
.
Brittany was acting weird. I mean, weirder than usual. I hope I didn't make her sad about the sleep over. It's not like I didn't want to, it's just... I didn't trust myself to actually sleep in her bed. Besides, like I'd said. I needed the sleep. Still did. 'Cuss had I slept when I was alone in my bed and my house? No, of course not. I'd been torn between missing her and feeling guilty. Until like 3 in the morning. Sue calls out my name.
"Santana! What does your bracelet say?" I cock my head and put a tiny, proud smile on my face - just the way I know Sue would like me to.
"WWMD." Sue looks pleased.
"'What Would Madonna Do?' Well, the answer to that is dating a younger man. So let's see some arm candy girls!" It's not like that's gonna be hard.
I look over at Brittany. She's sitting inbetween Hannah and Becky. I know she told Becky something before that made her giggle. I wonder if she's sitting there to hold up our "just friends" routine, or is she's actually mad at me. As always, I feel lonely without her shoulder touching mine.
Her face looks a little sad though. Her gaze suddenly flickers to me, as if she can sense me staring.
"Sorry freshmen. You're gonna have to start dating middle schools. You know why?
'Cuss if you wanna be as riveting a preformer as Madonna, a skill that will nab us the nationals this year; you're going to have to start thinking like her.
All of Madonna. I will no longer acknowledge that any of you have last names. Becky Jackson. From now on..." Becky looks at her with great expectations. "...you're just Becky." She claps her hands in delight. Brittany bumps her shoulder to hers, laughing. My shoulder feels ridicolously cold. I shake the feeling off and stand up. As always, I am followed my at least two of the cheerios. It makes me feel a bit better. The power of Santana.
Tania and Rose. It's their last year, and I know they don't like the idea of me being next in line to take over the cheerios. But they respect me, so I've never gotten anything bad from them. They're actually quite alright. Not that I ever really hang out with them outside of school.
Tania flips her shining black ponytail as she smiles at me. I've seen her outside of cheerios - short skirts and leather jackets are her type of thing. If I thought of girls that way, I'd say she's a real hottie.
"So, have you got any special in mind, Santana?" She usually calls me Lopez, but when the rules change you've got to adapt pretty quickly. I smile and so does Sue, as she heads past us towards another group of girls.
"I don't know. The younger the better, I guess?" Rose nods. She's got blonde curly hair, just long enough to make a small ponytal. I know Sue would've kicked her off if she'd cut it shorter. She's usually the first one in the dressing room, trying deperatly to make her hair straighter. I heard her complain more than once about wanting to just cut it short. I think it would look good on her.
You wouldn't believe it, since Tania and Rose are pretty much attached to the hip in Cheerio classes, and all of us usually sits with the jocks, but outside of it Rose has started hanging out with one of the punk girls. Tania was complaining to me about it a couple of weeks ago. Telling me we should do an intervention or something.
Her name was Jules-something, and the rumour's said she'd kicked Puck in the balls when he'd grabbed her ass last year. Apparently it had been so hard the doctor's had declared he would never become a father. Guess they were wrong there, judging my Quinn's bulging belly.
But by my standards, she was all right. She wasn't trying to hog my limelight, and her black jeans looked real nice even though they were all ripped up.
"O.M.G!" I stopped myself from frowning at Hannah as she skipped up to us, that face so overly excited I wanted to smack it. I don't know why she got on my nerves, all I knew was that I hated her guts so much I wanted to puke up my own.
"Puckerman was trying so hard to get me in bed before," she gushed. Okay, maybe I do know why I hate her so much. She's a tool.
Her friend Olivia was giggling behind her with big eyes - eyes with so much mascara she looked like a Bratz doll. Her huge head bobbing up and down didn't exactly help the situation.
"Sorry, Lopez, but it's true." She rolled her eyes.
I gave her a "seriously, do I look like I care about Quinn's man?"- look.
"What. Ever." She regarded me. "So, like, I was totally like: "go away creep, you're not gonna get that thing anywhere near my overies!" and then, guess what?" Only, she didn't even take a breath to let us do any guessing. Tania shot me a look of mild boredom.
"He was saying that I totally should, since he'd screwed Brittany over last night and soon he was going to have gotten into all of the cheerios' skirts! Can you believe that creep?"
My mouth fell open and I stared at her for about four seconds as she looked at Olivia, and they both half shrieked with their hideous laughter. Fortunately, Tania noticed my discomfort.
"Well, that's swell. Now why don't you go find a pony to date to match that laugh of yours." Guess I wasn't the only one who thought her face had a slight resemblance to a horse.
Hannah looked at Tania with disgust.
"Just because you've already done him." Olivia just laughed, as always. I don't think I've ever heard her say something independently. A blonde set of curly hair stepped forward, staring the other two girls down. Rose was about a head shorter than everyone else.
"I don't know Tania, that sounds more like yapping to me. Oh yeah, that's right. Go away bitch." Obviously it had done sweet Rose some good hanging out with a punk girl. Hannah was in such shock that she made a face and shut up.
"Well, don't shoot the messanger! Doesn't make it less true!" Then she was gone, like most of the cheerios... and Britt. Whew.
I regained my sanity.
"I can now officially call you a cheerio," I said to Rose, who smiled at me.
"That was quite the mouthful!" A deep voice with a hint of Australian accent was heard behind us. Rose's smile brightened as she turned around. I saw the blue eyes surrounded thick with eyeliner and the blazing red hair.
She really was a looker. No wonder Puck had felt her up. I guess I just hadn't seen that much of her - let's face it, next to Britt no one shines as bright.
"Gosh, Jules! The hair!" Rose goshed, reaching out to run her fingers through it. Jules smiled very kindly at the touch.
"You don't think it's too much, yeah?" Rose shook her head almost furiously.
"Are you kidding me, it's like; amazing!" I couldn't help but agree. Without saying or showing it, of course. I glanced at Tania, who looked ready to kill.
"Well, we're off to lunch," Jules smiled again. "Wanna come?" Before I could answer, Tania spoke up.
"Me and Santana have got some bussiness to discuss with Coach Sylv" she caught herself, following the new rules."-Sue. Coach Sue. We'll catch up later." Her arms were crossed over her chest. Rose looked a bit hurt.
"Oh, should I stay too?" Tania shook her head.
"Don't worry, we'll be alright. You go eat." Jules nodded towards me and then elbowed Rose.
"Let's go then, Ross." Rose turned around quickly, stomping her foot and fuming in a cute way.
"Don't call me Ross!" Jules just laughed raspily.
"Okay, Ross." They went away, bickering.
"Intervention!" Tania whispered to me angrily. I just rolled my eyes.
"Let's go look at the new school photos of Mckinley middle school. I brought carrot sticks."
.
.
Brittany laughs at Quinn's picture when she shows it to us.
Quinn gets this little tiny smile on her lips. She's acting like a lovestruck 7 year old. Teasing Rachel and drawing ridicoulus pictures of her? I roll my eyes when she's not looking.
Suddenly the devil herself bursts into the choir room. Her voice gets on my nerves, as always.
"Yes you should move to Israel." Britt smiles at me as Rachel goes on about sex. Ugh. That's like getting sex questions from a guinea pig. Quinn gives her an evil look.
"Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby."
"I just want to be ready! I'm getting older and these things are gonna happen! But how do I stop a guy from being mad at me for saying no?" She looks frantic and I'm starting to think she needs a slap to calm down.
"Just do what I do. Never say no." My voice goes a little lower, and I hope no one hears the quiver. I swallow, and luckily, Britt agrees, steals the attention away from me and lets me look at her. It helps.
"Oh, totally. What's the worst that can happen?" Then adds. "Sorry Quinn."
I throw a look in her direction. As I do, I catch a glimpse of the hearts she's added to her drawing, and try not to laugh out loud.
While Tina tells us about Hot Wheels (I didn't know he could be such an ass) Britt takes a hold of my hand and begins to stroke my wrist. It's so out of the blue I don't dare to look at her. But it's soothin - how did she know I needed just that? I relax into her touch, blocking out all of the surrounding noises. Even the guinea pig.
When Mr. Schue gets up from behind the piano, I curse him in my head. Was he really there all along? He seems to melt into the background and with the other teachers. When will everyone understand that he's not a normal teacher - he listens to us inbetween lessons. And he's always sticking his nose into other people's businness.
I pull my hand back in one quick motion, flustered, and tell him off, the best I can.
"You wouldn't understand Mr. Schue, you're a guy."
He looks at me closely at that. Can he see how I feel? Did he see the way Brittany was touching me? Wait, did anyone else see? Did my sentence just somehow confirm that I like Brittany, and not idiot guys? I swallow the panic, looking at Britt. The clock rings, I offer her my pinky, and she takes it.
Friends, I tell my racing heart. Everyone knows that, so I shouldn't worry.
.
.
It was right after I had grabbed an apple as extra with the Sue Sylvester super cleanser that Britt found me. She was stuffing her face with a Brownie she had most likely brought from home. It was quite funny how she'd grown up with a mom who's gaga for baking and not turned out overweight. I guess when you train every day like she does, and leaves the car at home and all, sugar just can't touch you anymore.
To confirm my suspiscions, she started telling me all about how Silke had made a huge batch of brownies last night filled with m&m's and that the candy had melted, because she should have frozen them overnight before putting it in the batch, and that they had all been forced to bring them to school and work since they were apparently impossible to sell.
She said all the jocks had wolfed them down so unfortunately there hadn't been any left for me.
"None of the cheerios would touch them, of course. But I offered Quinn and she ate three! I guess the baby is really growing. It's gotta love chocolate, because you know Quinn's always been the white chocolate type of person-" And on she went. She was wearing a cute black ribbon in her hair, and more eyeliner than usual. It stung that she looked so pretty.
"And what does Quinn say about you sleeping with her boytoy?" I couldn't stop it.
Brittany stared at me, wide eyed, mouth open. Like she was as shocked to hear it as I'd been. Maybe it was just a rumour? Well, the only way to find out was to confront her about it.
"I-I... She's just using him, she told us both that!" Oh no. I almost closed my eyes as we walked down the fully packed corridor. I wanted to puke, even though I hadn't eaten all day (except for half that apple - which I now threw away).
"You sure found another sleepover fast enough" I said under my breath before continuing. "And that's not a good reason, Britt. He obviously likes her." She looks at me like I'm the one lying.
"It's not like that. I just didn't want to sleep alone." That stung. "It wasn't the first time we've hooked up. Besides, I needed Therasex. That's a good enough reason."
It's my turn to stare. But she misunderstands, as usual.
"You know, we made out that first week I was here... In truth or dare. Remember?"
Of course I remembered. Nothing about her slipped my mind. But what the heck did she mean about Therasex? Was that some new kind of kinky stuff she was trying out with Puck and not me? Jealousy tried pushing it's way out, but I sucked in my tummy and smiled pleasently.
"I remember Britt, don't worry."
"It's not like you still like him, is it?" She looked at me almost shyly, like she was ashamed - and at the same time like she was hoping just that. It made my head hurt.
"I never did. In a way he's mine whenever I want him, but, you know. I don't own him."
We arrived at our lockers and I opened mine only to stare at my own reflection. Like the evil queen I guess I needed the help of a mirror to assure me of my looks to compose myself.
Concealing my emotions was the one thing I had going for me. And I needed to see that I didn't show any signs of weakness.
I put a ticktack into my mouth and chewed, while Britt was putting on some finishing touhes on her new "Madonna-style". She'd always been a sucker for expressing herself through clothes. I loved it.
I put on some lipgloss and looked into my own eyes. Not a trace of sadness. Perfect.
"I look smoking hot."
"Guess who I'm dating?" I can't look at her, so I stare into my locker. I don't wanna know.
"Wez Broody. He's super cute. He plays soccer with my sister. He's 7."
I make a weird face. Her sister's 11, how can this guy be 7? Oh well, I'm happy that was all. Okay then, I don't have to worry about Puck at least. Then it's time to get down for bussiness. I slam my locker.
"Crap! I need a younger, inferior man! If I don't find one, Coach Sylvester will kick me off the cheerios for sure."
"How about Finn? His birthday is like 3 days before yours and... he's super dumb." I felt like calling her darling, and telling her that it didn't exactly make him younger, but just sigh. She looks to the side like it's the most obvious thing in the world. I almost smile.
"We already tried with Finn and he hates us."
"Trust me. The way to get a man to follow you forever? Take his virginity." I stare at her, she leans closer, smiling coyly.
My heart skips a beat as my brain frantically tries to figure out how she can look and sound so innocent while talking dirty.
"Madonna like, wrote a song about it!" I throw her a glance, then looking over at Finn. I fluff my hair up, putting on my sassiness and swing my hips, kind of hoping to snare him as well as hoping that Britt is looking after me as I go.
"Hey Finnosence!" I. Am. Madonna.
"You know, I've been thinking, and I think we should go out. Just you and me this time. No third wheel." (Him that is. Oh, I wish I could take Britt on a date...)
Finn gets it though. Not as dumb as I hoped for.
"Will you talk to me this time?"
I decide the quickest way to get him to agree is to put his eyes on the price.
"I don't really talk during."
...He doesn't get it. I need him to be my puppy already. Usually just a hint towards sex makes guys pants drop. I'm not a patient woman, and I need Britt to be jealous. Sexually frustrated - that's me alright - I slam his locker shut as well.
"Look Finn. It's high time you lost the big V. Everything about you screams virgin." I put on my pitying look. Come on, Finn.
"You're as sexy as a cabbage patch kid. It's exhausting to look at you." Okay, I might be a bit too harsh now. But I can't stop it. Brittany having sex with Puck SO isn't okay. I have to snap at someone, and Finn is convenient enough.
"Okay look, I appreciate the offer but I have feelings for someone else and I'm trying to work things out with them." Grrrrr.
"What? Who? Rachel? She's dating that Jessie kid from Vocal Adrenaline."
"No she's not."
"Pleeaase! You can smell it on her! She's like a cat in heat." (Like me!) "She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choirroom." Then I took a breath, softened.
"So come on." I take a few steps towards him. It's almost cute the way he backs away from me. I feel the power, alright.
"Let's do the deed. It'll be great for my immage and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It's win, win." Finn is almost smiling. Now he gets it.
"Wait, what do I get out of it?" And people call Brittany dumb.
"I don't know, you... get to have sex and make Rachel jealous?" Boys. Where are their sense of drama and revenge? All the fun things in the playground?
I guess while us girls started calculating and charming, they were still busy playing with their willies.
"I meant for me," I sigh. "Okay, It's win, win, for me." (At least I get to make someone jealous.)
.
.
Is it so terribly wrong that every time I climbed on top of him, I wished for a smaller body?
That when his big hands grabbed my hips I just longed for her small ones?
Heck, he had no idea what to do. But that wasn't the only reason. Brittany was ruining my sex life. It's not like I was cheating or anything - but it felt like it. And well, he just couldn't do it for me.
Afterwards we just sat in the cheap motel room, hands clasped in front of us. He was so quiet that I wanted to kick him. Food. I wasn't allowed Britt or food, but food I could compromise with.
"Do you think they have room service in this place, 'cuss I want a burger?" I started going through the drawer, but all that was in there was an adult novel. Not even descent enough for an old fashion porn magazine?
"I thought I'd feel different afterwards." My throat felt sore all of a sudden.
"Yeah, but I've noticed it takes about 20 or so times before the feelings of accomplishment really kicks in." Then I sigh, the pain in my stomach growing. Looking straight ahead of me, I say:
"There's no menue, so you're going to have to take me to a burger joint." I want to eat something unhealthy, so I'll have to excersise it off/puke it up later.
I look over at Finn, suddenly understanding him. He want someone he can never really seem to have.
"How do you feel?"
"I don't feel anything, because it didn't mean anything." Harsh. But yeah. We were for once both on the same page.
.
.
When Finn dropped me off at my house the light in the kitchen was on and my dad's car was in the driveway.
I didn't really bother to give him a kiss goodbye - he was obviously still in his "I feel nothing"-mood. Get over it already. Been there, done that. Moved on.
I just smiled at him a little and then hurried off, not bothering to take my shoes off.
If my Nana had been here, she would've scolded me. But the good thing about dad... well, he didn't care. We have a cleaning lady - Wranda - who comes twice a week. Cruella love coming up with nasty jobs for her. She likes me though, since I actually talk to her and clean up my room.
Dad hardly looks up when I storm in. After a whole day (often more) of work, he's all slouching shoulders, black eyebrows and stubble. He was still wearing his doctor's coat.
"Hola hija."
"Hola papá." He was eating a ceasar sallad. That's my dad; the picture of health he says. But that's not true, because he drinks a beer to every meal except breakfast. Then it's coffee.
But I've tasted his coffee. He might be a fullblooded mexicano but he drinks his coffee like an irishman.
It's not like he drinks too much, not really. Just after a work - and before, early in the morning.
Dad's Lima Heights' best doctor. He's respected. Lots of my classmates have been treated by him. All of their time put together is probably more than I've spent with him these last three years. He's a busy man - and he never forgets to remind me of it when we do see each other.
"How was work today, papá?" He chews on his chicken and takes a swig of beer.
"Busy as usual. I'm requested out of state tomorrow. Consulting Dr. Riley about a heart condition."
He dries his mouth off on a napkin and finally look at me. My nana always tells me I have his eyes.
No questions about how I was, where I'd been or even if I needed money for something.
I nodded, clenching the to go bag with my hamburger inside it. Showing it to him would cause a small scene. He emptied his can.
"Alright, I'm off to bed then. I'm leaving late, so see you in the morning, hija." He left the rest of his meal out in the open and kissed me on the forhead, his breath stinking of alcohol, before leaving the kitchen.
Cruella was probably home. She never missed double episodes of Jersey Shore.
I took a deep breath, then I cleared my dad's things away.
Grabbing some napkins and a glass of water I hurried off to my side of the house, to my room, worried he would come back to see me stuffing myself.
.
.
I was really satisfied when Tina told me that my private lesson in bitching had worked. She was stammering away about it - I thought she'd stopped that. It had been over a week, but I guess despite that she now could mouth off to her boyfriend, I still intimidated her a bit.
"S-seriously t-thank you, Santana!" She moved to hug me, and I akwardly patted her back.
"Umm, sure. Anything to shut him up." She grinned at me, and skitted away. Apparently he had started treating her better as well, I noticed, as she met up with him, and he held her lunch tray in his lap. It was almost cute.
Brittany smiled at them too beside me, then she said in a worried voice:
"I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary." Right then Mercedes come up to us. I still couldn't believe she and Kurt were on the team. And me and Britt still hadn't spent any time outside of school. It made me jumpy, irritated and nervous.
"Hey guys, can I ask you something?" I don't like the sound of this... "How do you manage to stay so skinny?" I pick the bottle up, and do it, just like we've practiced if the reporter were to ask us about our methods to stay in form.
"The Sue Sylvester Master clense!" Britt smiles as I say the ingredients.
"Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand." Not that again. I've already told her not to, but she says it makes it easier to keep down. Mercedes obviously agrees.
"That can't be healthy." Like I said, annoyed is what I am.
"Who cares? You could either feel terrible and look great, or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here." Mercedes looks frightened, almost. I can't really blame her. She's about three times my weight, and I just know she's not gonna make it.
She leaves her plate, and well, that's what she's gotta do. I almost feel bad for her, but then I feel a hunger coming on, and I take one look at Britt before we both drink some more.
"I'm serious about Lord Tubbington, you know.
Daphne told me the other day when I got into my room and she was on her way to bring it out from my hiding place. He's been sniffing and searching for it, and Daphne was gonna hide it somewhere safer..." She gives me a worried look. I roll my eyes.
"Whatever, Britt."
.
.
It's funny how things affect you.
My dad would rather have me going on the master clense than being overweight. When I was little, and had chubby cheeks, he used to pinch them and tell me that if I didn't stop eating so many of Silke's cookies I'd die from a heart attack before I turned 23.
Since my mom left I've in a way always wanted to please him - even though I don't see him that much. But it's not only him I'm trying to please. People are just nicer to you when you look thin, fit and hot. They respect you in a whole new way. Look at Rachel. She's thin, but neither fit nor hot. And she's totally annoying. Mercedes may be cute, and stylish. But she's not thin - she eats cheese with everything and wants to fry her carrots.
But let's face it. People become jelous too. They think I can eat anything without gaining a pound. Well, truth be told, staying in shape is a lot of work. I go out to run every day, have cheerio practice and keep to a strict diet - except on dates. Guys like a girl who can eat. And let me tell you, the food is usually the best part of the date.
After Mercedes stood up to Sue during our big pep rally, Quinn accompanied by most of the cheerios, also stood up to her and the principal. Sue just simply chucked bottles at their heads and shouted a lot. But in the end, it was decided that no one should ever use the cleanser again.
We were still told not to eat too much, count our calories and run an extra mile a day. She didn't want our dynamic being ruined because someone in the pyramid gained a few pounds. But truth be told, she agreed some pasta would probably give us the muscles we needed to throw each other around in the air like jugglig red and white tomatoes.
I wasn't one of the people who stood up to Sue. Me, Britt, Tania and a few others stood behind her, shaking our heads. We were promoted, of course.
None of that really got to me. I mean, I knew Sue was wrong. I'm not an idiot.
But at the same time, I know what reputation means. And like I said. People like to look up to, read about and see people that are thin. Not to be a bitch, but I don't see Snooki on the front page of any ELLE.
I agreed that Mercedes would be doing the wrong thing by loosing weight. She was kind of perfect the way she was, and let's face it, a skinny Mercedes would totally freak me out. That's like Artie walking, Rachel not being annoying and Kurt not being so, well, gay. In two words: Just wrong.
But what really did get to me, despite all of those things, was the song Kurt was singing for us in Glee club the other day. He is totally crushing on Finn, but that doesn't really matter.
"A room is not a house, a house is not a home..."
And that's when I realized for real how totally alone I was without Brittany. I looked in her direction, and noticed she was already looking at me, smiling. She was my safety. And not having that for a week made me really, really... lonely. I'd gotten used to having her again, and it just wasn't fair.
After the song I went up to her. She was talking to Kurt, complementing him on his vocals. I smiled at him, and touched Britt's arm.
"Can I talk to you?" She blinked a few times, then nodding.
"Yeah, sure." Then I just did what felt right. I gave her a big hug.
"Please can I have a sleep over with you tonight? At your place?" I whispered into her neck, before leaning back.
She grinned at me. "Of course! My mom's making a new batch of those brownies and she'll be so glad to see you! Oh, and Lord Tubbington has totally missed you. Maybe he'll listen to you if you tell him to stop reading my diary? I mean, you did after all get him at the kitten hospital, right? So-" And she was off, rambling, linking our pinkies together.
The warmth of her finger was all I needed. I was home.
.
.
A/N: Not to cheesy at the end I hope. whew. Long chapter.
Lot's about issues with food as well, I kind fo wanted to wrap that up. Don't think the issues have stopped. I'm just saying I might not mention them as much.
Remember that I don't share Santana's thoughts about this. I am myself a bit overweight, my favourite food is chocolate and mashed potatoes. Haha. But I think, for the sake and reality that is needed for this fanfic, I need to make her as harsh and bitchy as Santana would be. Tell me what you think!