A/N: Didn't make it by Christmas, but at least I finished by New Year's (which is actually more fitting, once you read the chapter). Ahhh, and the drama begins. As always please let me know if I've missed any errors. It really can be a pain to edit a 17 page chapter, especially if you're as big of a perfectionist as I am because you eventually just want to give up. On a lighter note, I like my Makoto 95% innocent kind warm-hearted perfection, 5% deviousness. 6% deviousness. 26% deviousness. Lots of devious. I'm telling you this because idk I really like Makoto.
Oh, and a big thank you to guest reviewers reiko (can i just scream for a moment?! i am honored to possibly be your first review ever, thank you so much for all your kind words) and chicken (love the name, and i took your advice and put my work up on ao3 ^^)
Chapter Three: Distant (Winter Break - part 2)
Rin's necklace sits at the edge of the desk. Haruka's taken it out of the drawer, because hopefully this will help him remember to return it.
What's America like? he wishes he had asked. What's your team like? Do you have a roommate? Do they eat mackerel over there? It was only once he had returned home that all the questions had come to mind, though Rin probably would have found something amusing in it if he had thought to ask them. Haruka's never been the nosy one, not out loud at least.
Didn't know my life was so interesting to you, Rin would say, grinning deviously, so maybe it's better that Haruka hadn't thought to say anything.
The weather clears up, rains retreating to leave dry days in their wake. The skies stay largely gray though, snow somewhere around the corner, so indoors is where the five of them usually end up – with food, with TV, with games usually made up by Nagisa to pass the time, with loud voices and louder laughter. Sometimes Kou even joins them, if she feels up to dealing with them – and Haruka can't blame her when she doesn't, because faithfully remaining the manager of the swim team means she's almost always dealing with teenage boys.
It's easy to forget that they're all growing up and moving on with their lives when they're together like this – easy to forget that next year Nagisa and Rei and Kou will be off to university as well, easy for Haruka to forget that he's not quite sure where his own life is moving. He isn't looking forward to the end of break, but between spending time with the others, and swimming whenever he can, and giving Hiro lessons, the start of school is always a few hours closer.
They decide to go out for lunch on a Wednesday afternoon, in celebration of the last quarter's grades having come in. The restaurant is a few blocks from Iwatobi High; Kou, who's gone there a few times with some of her other friends, leads the way from the train station. Shop windows are decorated with Christmas lights; the occasional plastic snowman or Santa Claus stands along the sidewalk.
"Haru-chan, you can't get mackerel," Nagisa says, nudging Haruka in the side as they all file up the restaurant's front steps, where satin bows are tied festively along the hand railing. At Haruka's frown he adds, sounding a little like Rin, "Well, you can just eat it any old time at home. Live a little!"
They crowd around a rectangular table that is soon piled high with steaming dishes. Rin tells them about his teammates in America – the one who somehow managed to tear a slit up one leg of his suit one day, the one who had an eyebrow shaved off by his roommate as a prank, the one who wears the tiger-striped Speedo.
"And now I can't wear mine, 'cause he's a damn third-year!" he says to a chorus of laughter, smacking his hand down on the edge of the table.
Even Kou, who looks like she wants to scold her brother for his language but would have to get around Makoto to do so, can't smother her grin. Even Haruka, who has just put a dumpling into his mouth, quirks a smile around his chopsticks. None of the other diners have complained about the noise level at their table, which surprises him a little, but maybe it's the spirit of the season.
He reaches for the platter of fried squid that sits across the table to his right, in front of Rin, but knocks his elbow into his water glass. He manages to snatch it before it tips over, and for a moment thinks no one noticed amidst the commotion. But then he sees Rin smirking at him, and he frowns, which only makes Rin grin wider and raise his eyebrows as if to say What?
Haruka looks pointedly at the dish, then back at Rin, who hands the plate over with a roll of his eyes.
"Ah, Haru, lemme have some of that, too!" Nagisa says, very suddenly and very loudly into Haruka's left ear.
Before Haruka can even put the plate down, Nagisa reaches with his chopsticks and subsequently knocks over his own water glass. It spills across the tablecloth towards Kou, who scrapes her chair back before it can reach her. Nagisa babbles an apology, tries to right his glass and manages to tip it right over again. Rei makes an indignant sound from Haruka's other side and tells everyone to start mopping up the mess, and Makoto knocks over his own glass as he grabs for his napkin.
"Sorry, I'm sorry!" Nagisa is still saying to Kou, and "Sorry Haru, I'll clean it up!" Makoto is saying because his water seeps steadily in Haruka's direction, though there wasn't much in the glass.
"Rin-san, you are being utterly useless," Rei says as he dabs at the spill that's rapidly being absorbed into the tablecloth. Rin looks like he's laughing up a lung, head thrown back and arms clutching around his stomach. He reaches blindly for his napkin, throws it in Rei's face.
"But guys, look at the bright side!" Nagisa says. "Hardly any water got into the food!"
Kou drops her forehead into her palm, and Makoto gives her an apologetic smile that she doesn't see.
Haruka can feel everyone else in the restaurant finally paying their table attention, and has the most overwhelming urge to sigh himself into oblivion, squid platter still held in his hands and all.
He doesn't think about the necklace until he gets home and sees it perched on the edge of his desk, just where he left it last.
Kou doesn't join them on Friday, the day before Christmas, when they gather at Haruka's house to play video games. It's a windy day, and in between bouts of noise from the TV, a faint whistling can be heard from outside. They've pushed the table to the back of the living room, and Haruka leans against it, watching the TV screen from over Rei's shoulder. The console is Makoto's, but the game is Nagisa's, and only two can play at a time so they take turns trying to blow each other to pixilated bits.
All of them but Rin, who sits against the wall off to the side, legs drawn up and a book propped against his knees.
"Can you believe it," he had said earlier, flopping down on the floor with a huff and then pulling a battered red paperback out of his backpack. "I have to read this entire fucking thing before class even meets for the first time."
"Well, have you started it yet?" Makoto had asked in that responsible but goading way of his, and Rin had given him a dirty look.
There is a crease of concentration between his brows and his reading glasses are perched low on his nose, like they've slipped down in the past hour and he hasn't noticed. Haruka tries to get a look at the book's title, but the bit he can see over the tops of Rin's knees is both in English and too far away for him to read.
"Nagisa-kun, wait, no!" Rei cries. He pitches himself left and right as he tries to escape Nagisa's character on the bottom half of the screen. "Pause! Time! Please give me a moment!"
"No time-outs in war, Rei-chan!"
Rei lets out a squawky shriek as his screen goes black, and Nagisa laughs triumphantly. "Haru-chan, your turn!"
"Makoto can have my turn," Haruka says, waving away the controller Rei turns around to hand him.
Nagisa nods sagely. "Forfeiting instead of facing the indignity of defeat. Wise, Haru-chan, very wise indeed. Okay Mako-chan, you're up!"
There is a small pile of presents near the entrance into the living room. Christmas has never been very high on Haruka's list of Important Things, and he always tells everyone not to get him anything, though they always manage to each find something that 'just seemed like something you'd like, don't worry, I didn't spend a lot of money on it.' Nagisa's already told him what he bought:
"Mackerel jerky. Can you believe it, Haru-chan? Right at the front of the store! I swear you're behind it somehow."
Rin didn't get him anything, though, which is a relief, as it's one fewer present Haruka has to go out and buy in return. He's about to ask Rin how far he's managed to get in his book, but when he glances over he's surprised to find Rin already peering at him over the top of his reading glasses. He looks somewhat thoughtful, somewhat troubled, the same crease still between his brows. It looks like there is something on his mind that he can't quite puzzle out, and his frown marks his frustration.
For a moment he doesn't seem to realize that Haruka is looking at him. Then he blinks and their eyes meet for real, and his gaze flickers quickly back to his book. He turns the page, for all appearances gets absorbed back into his reading. Yet Haruka can't dislodge the feeling that he had looked a little shaken, as though he had been caught doing something he had been attempting discretion at.
Rin lowers his head slightly under Haruka's scrutiny, some of his hair falling in front of his face. The motion almost seems protective, like some form of self-defense, and Haruka feels his eyebrows furrowing.
Was I not supposed to see something?
From then on, as the days pass, he continues to notice them. Little glances, aimed his way when he's not aware and that disappear a moment too late for him to pretend he doesn't catch them. Sometimes he doesn't get a good enough look at Rin's expression, and sometimes he sees a brief flash of the same thoughtful frown, the slight furrow in Rin's brows that makes it look like he's mulling something over. There is something very guarded in those glances – every time he catches Rin's eyes he is met with something solid and unyielding just beneath the surface, shunting him away.
He wonders, and wonders, but tries not to wonder too much, because if there is something truly important going on – and if he has anything to do with it, which he very well might not, he might just be getting caught in the crossfire – he knows Rin will bring it up eventually. As the break narrows down to its end, it doesn't look like this will happen – which means it's something Rin will work out on his own, which is fine.
He can't help one thought, though, as much as he tries to cast it off:
Did I do something?
It was Nagisa's idea to meet up near Haruka and Makoto's houses for a game of beach soccer, and somehow Nagisa's ideas always come to fruition. The ocean is a deep blue-grey, the sky is a bit lighter and cloudless, seems to press closer than it usually does, but the air is still and calm and this makes for a reasonable temperature. Meaning they can forego their scarves to use as goal markers, though they're still bundled up tight.
"Why did I even agree to this?" Kou wonders aloud for the third time, after she blocks the ball with a mitten-clad hand yet again and Nagisa yells for a penalty shot. Haruka's pretty sure she speaks for all of them. He doesn't even think he likes soccer that much.
"Don't worry, Gou-san," Rei says reassuringly. "If you hadn't stopped the ball there, they may have gotten around our line of defense and scored a goal. Now we have a moment to better prepare ourselves."
It's Rin and Nagisa against the rest of them – "Because you negate a person," Rin had told Kou at the start of the match, and she has promptly stomped on his toes – and, as it always goes when Rin and Haruka go head to head in anything, Haruka finds himself a lot more involved than he would otherwise care to be.
It doesn't help that Rin's decided to tail him like a dog on a leash – though he isn't sure who would be the one on the leash, actually, if he can't go anywhere without Rin on his heels. It's troublesome and tiring, not to mention frustrating when Rin manages to steal the ball from him. Soccer on the beach in the middle of winter was such a bad idea.
And it was bound to happen, as they're fighting over the ball – neither quite in possession and neither quite stealing it away – that their feet get tangled, ankle to ankle and Rin falls to the ground with a great whumph and a spray of sand.
Everybody freezes in various stages of running – knees bent, arms pumping, heads turned – to stare. Rin looks surprised for a moment, rolling onto his back and blinking up at Haruka blankly. Then – while Kou begins to laugh unreservedly, holding her stomach and pointing – he pulls an accusing look onto his face, though it's laced with humor.
"You shithead, you did that on purpose."
Haruka wipes the back of his hand across his brow. He's miraculously managed to work up a sweat, and so has Rin – beads of perspiration are visible on his forehead as Haruka looks down at him.
"I didn't."
Rin scoffs. "I get a penalty shot," he says, making no move to get up. He's egging Haruka on in that frustrating, nonsensical way of his, and actually looks quite comfortable with sand in his hair and getting into the folds of his jacket, with his hands lying near his head, fingers curled slightly as though he might just take a nap.
"Stop being an idiot," Haruka says.
The laugh Rin lets out stutters around in his throat. It's plain as day that he's tired but just doesn't want to admit it. The others are wandering off to the sidelines, where Makoto has a pack full of food from his house. Haruka watches them go, then turns back to pin Rin with an accusatory frown; the game had still been tied.
But Rin's dropped his grin. His eyes are loud, quiet, bright with something urgent yet dulled by something protective and cautious. And maybe it's because Haruka is looking down at it this time, but he thinks he sees something distinctly nervous in Rin's expression. As though as guarded as Rin wants to be, he can't be guarded enough.
Haruka feels a beat of unease, and after a too-long moment holds out his hand. Rin grabs his wrist, and Haruka pulls him roughly up. He thinks Rin is finally going to say something, but Rin only opens his mouth for a second, hesitates, and then gives an awkward and unnecessary "Thanks."
Haruka doesn't deign him an answer, simply turns and begins to head for the others. He's getting tired of this, thought he had gotten past the point of being baffled by Rin's every little action back when they had finally convinced Rin they still wanted to be friends with him, hates feeling so completely out of his depth all over again.
Rin catches up to him, complains about his ankle and his wrist and how Haruka had better not forget that he's a swimmer and so his body isn't something Haruka can just beat up. He's acting like everything is completely normal, and yet there is clearly something not normal happening.
The uncomfortable pit in Haruka's stomach grows tighter and heavier. He's worried, but doesn't know how to address it. Rin is supposed to be an open book; even when it isn't clear why he feels the way he does, it's always obvious what he feels. Haruka wants to ask, is on the verge of bringing it up, but Rin's behavior makes him think that he shouldn't, that he isn't supposed to.
Sometimes he catches Rin looking at him, and wishes he wasn't.
He spends New Year's Eve with Makoto and his family, as per long-standing tradition. They are his second family, and sitting around the dinner table with them, knowing this is a place he will always belong, fills him with a deep-seated happiness few things can match. Not even swimming, with its more electric, buzzing sense of joy – completely incomparable with this heavy contentment – can match it.
Ren and Ran bicker quietly at their side of the table. Mrs. Tachibana fawns over him a little more than usual, makes sure he eats his fill many times over and beams at him when he finishes up a second helping of soba. Mr. Tachibana asks him about school, asks if he's been swimming, tells him he should bring Makoto along with him to the pool sometime.
"Haru goes so early," Makoto says with a sigh. "It'd be nice to swim again, though. I've kind of gotten used to not being on a team anymore." He exchanges a wistful glance with Haruka, and Haruka makes up his mind to force him along one of these days.
They crowd into the living room after dinner to watch the New Year's music program. Ren and Ran sit on either side of Haruka on the floor, leaning against him and trying to get him to sing along with the idols on the screen. Haruka does, albeit as unenthusiastically as possible. He gets most of the words wrong, but the laughter he garners, the sensation of being surrounded by family and affection, burrows the feeling of contentment ever deeper, and for once he takes kindly to the idea of making a fool of himself.
And then Mr. Tachibana joins in from the couch, and Mrs. Tachibana lets out a quiet, exasperated "Dear…" and Makoto an embarrassed groan, and the twins collapse over Haruka in laughter.
After the fireworks are televised, Makoto and Haruka get ready to head up to the shrine, as they always do for a few minutes right after midnight. Haruka knows that Makoto will go again with his family later in the day, knows that Makoto tags along with him so he doesn't have to go alone. It's one of the many things he wants to thank Makoto for but never finds the ability to voice.
He hunches his shoulders against the cold as they step out onto the front porch. And yet it still hasn't snowed; the only thing the stairs are covered with is the glow from the lamps. Makoto's phone buzzes in his jacket pocket as they start down the steps, once more before they reach the bottom.
"Rei says 'Happy New Year' to us both. Nagisa too." He sends Haruka a grin. "They probably texted you, too."
"Probably," Haruka agrees. He'll message them back later. He always knows that he'll first get their New Year's greetings through Makoto. And there will be a letter from his parents in his mailbox later, and he's already sent them one himself. Nothing overly sentimental on either end, just touching base and sharing well wishes, though his mother always writes at the end of her note: Remember to eat vegetables with all that mackerel!
Makoto's phone buzzes a third time as they're passing the pathway to Haruka's house. He lets out a quiet sound of surprise when he reads the message, then laughs. "Rin asks if we're going to stay up for the sunrise."
Haruka glances over. Either Makoto's smile is infectious, or it's a combination of the past hours in general that has him smiling as well, despite the twist of irritation Rin's name causes. "How romantic."
Makoto sniggers, starts texting Rin back. "Want to try, though? It would be nice to see." Unlike Haruka, Makoto is very much one for holiday customs, has probably actually stayed up to watch the New Year's sunrise before.
"Why is he asking?"
"Probably because he wants to watch it," Makoto says. He receives another message. "Ah, he wants me to tell you something."
Haruka raises his eyebrows, and Makoto hands him the phone. Haru says that's romantic, is the last thing Makoto sent, and underneath is Rin's reply: tell haru he's a boring asswipe who doesn't deserve to see the sunrise anyway.
He's about to hand the phone back when another message comes through: but i have nothing better to do so if you guys are gonna then i'll come over.
He stares at it for a moment, then gives Makoto the phone. "Tell him he can come over."
"Or you can do it yourself," Makoto says good-naturedly. He glances at Haruka before sending a reply, though – You're okay with it, right? is what his expression says, and Haruka prides himself in being able to read Makoto half as well as Makoto can read him.
He shrugs a shoulder. "It's fine." He can't read Makoto well enough to tell if he's is just being polite, or if he can tell that Haruka's anxious about something.
He wants to see Rin one more time before school starts up, but he's tired of the loaded glances and of feeling so frustrated every time Rin is gone. Years are supposed to end peacefully, and this is the wrinkle preventing that.
The shrine is empty, lights lining the pathway leading to the main building. Even in the middle of the night, with shadows carved into corners, beneath arches, all around, the place is peaceful. Haruka lets the serenity ease into him, warding away the vague tremblings of unease.
They don't spend long, because the calm does nothing against the cold. Their breath is visible in the air as they offer a few coins, ring the bells, clap their hands together and bow their heads in a brief wish. Haruka can never think of anything really meaningful, just an indistinct jumble of feelings – good things for friends; time to swim; peace; quiet – though there is an unplanned addition this year:
For things to be okay with Rin, whatever is going on.
Makoto rubs his hands together, breathes into them. "Your place?" he says.
Haruka nods. "Yeah. Let's go."
The doorbell rings at a bit past one, and the unease makes itself known again as Haruka heads for the door. Rin is hopping from foot to foot on the doorstep, hands in the pockets of his jacket and arms tucked close to his sides, backpack slung over one shoulder.
"Fucking cold," he says, and immediately elbows his way inside. He's already kicked off his shoes and dropped his backpack to the floor by the time Haruka shuts the door. "Haru, you got food?" he asks, not bothering to look back as he heads down the hall.
Haruka takes off after him, socks muffling his footfalls, nerves fluttering uncomfortably in his chest. "I haven't cooked for you, if that's what you mean."
Rin waves his hand dismissively. "Didn't say I wanted mackerel. Hey Makoto, there was a good horror movie marathon on when I left home."
Haruka catches up just in time to see Makoto – sitting on the floor watching some sitcom on the TV – crane his head around to call as Rin disappears into the kitchen: "I think I'll have to pass on that one."
Haruka stands at the edge of the living room for a moment, then lets out a sigh and enters.
"Horror movies are good for keeping you awake," he says, sitting down next to Makoto and ignoring the look of dread he gets in response. He can hear Rin rustling around in the pantry, the sounds of cabinet doors opening and closing.
"Haru, what is all this stuff?" Rin calls.
Haruka turns to look over his shoulder, but Rin doesn't appear in the doorway to show him anything.
"I don't know. It's not mine." Most if not all of the snacks in his cabinets are things Nagisa had brought over on some occasion or another but had never gotten around to opening. He keeps the jerky in his room, though.
Rin returns with his arms full of crinkly, brightly-colored junk food bags. He manages to sit down next to Haruka without spilling any, and then lets them fall all over his lap and the floor.
"This looks boring. We gonna watch scary movies or not? I'm gonna finish my reading otherwise." He tears open a bag of chips, stuffs a handful into his mouth.
Haruka shrugs, reaches for the remote at Makoto's feet and sets it in front of Rin. "I don't care either way."
Makoto makes distressed sound.
"Relax," Rin says, leaning forward to grin at him. "We'll leave the lights on for you."
Makoto leaves the room in a rush to get a pillow, and only then does Rin look at Haruka, mouth wide with amusement and peppered with crumbs.
"He's pretty excited."
Haruka gives a soft snort. "He is." He doesn't think he'll even understand it. I don't know why I can't stop watching them! Makoto had told him in anguish one night, after they had watched some movie Haruka's already forgotten and Makoto had demanded that they sleep with a light on.
The chip bag is thrust in front of his face, and he jerks his head back.
"Try one," Rin tells him. Haruka frowns at him, then peers warily into the bag.
"Why?"
"Why not? I'm offering."
At least Rin being this pushy is normal, Haruka thinks. Rin's knee pushes against his own, Rin shakes the bag beneath his chin.
"What flavor is it?"
"I dunno. It says lime and shrimp, but they're orange and taste like..." He shrugs.
With a resigned sigh, Haruka fishes out a long, skinny chip. He takes a bite, and Rin's gaze flickers down to his mouth. Before he can come up with a verdict, a pillow flies out of nowhere and hits Rin in the face, then drops with a crunch into his lap.
"Sorry," Makoto says, coming back into the room with two more pillows. "I got one for each of us."
"What if I spilled my chips on the floor?" Rin grumbles. "What if you crushed all the others?"
"It wouldn't matter," Haruka says. "They don't taste good." He takes the pillow Makoto hands him, holds the remote out to Rin. "Find the channel with the movie."
It doesn't take long for Makoto to end up huddled behind him, pillow all but forgotten on the floor. His fingers grip Haruka's shirt, and he rams his forehead into Haruka's shoulder every time something frightening happens onscreen. Even Rin, for all his bravado, ends up clearing his lap of everything but his pillow, which he flings in front of his face every time he anticipates something frightening happening onscreen.
Haruka doesn't know which is more exasperating: Makoto's masochistic peeking and consequent head butting, or the pillow he gets to the side of the head every time Rin loses his nerve. They've both taken to leaning against him – Makoto forcing him to hunch forward and Rin forcing him to tip to the side. He eventually tugs the pillow out of Rin's grasp and pushes it into Makoto's arms, which puts an end to the head butting and the facefulls of pillow, but when Rin begins using an open chip bag for a shield he knows he's fighting a losing battle.
By the time the movie credits roll, though, Makoto's weight has been pressed to his back for so long without shifting that Haruka thinks he may have fallen asleep. Rin makes a tired sound, straightens up and reaches for the remote. The movement upsets Haruka's balance, and he has to prop a hand against the floor to keep from toppling over. He hadn't even realized he had started leaning against Rin, can hardly even remember the past half hour of the film.
Makoto grunts, lifts his head. "Is it over?"
"S'over. The end sucked," Rin says. He mutes the TV, lets out a long yawn, then surprises Haruka by leaning back into him. "What time's sunrise? 'M so tired."
Makoto shuffles around them on his knees, flops down on his stomach. Haruka half expects Rin to back off at any moment, is infinitely relieved when he doesn't. Shoulder to shoulder and arm to arm, this is the kind of presence he is used to. No inexplicable distance, just Rin completely taking over his personal space and giving no say in the matter otherwise.
Makoto is doing something on his phone. Haruka stares at the screen through unfocused eyes, lets himself be jostled when Rin shifts again, this time so he can lean his back completely against Haruka's side. It isn't comfortable, but Haruka is too tired to put up any resistance.
"A little after seven," Makoto finally mumbles, pulling Haruka from his daze. "That's when sunrise is."
"Don't think I'm gonna make it," Rin says. "Let's just turn off the lights and sleep."
Thinking this is a brilliant idea, Haruka stands up to do just that, and Rin topples over with a graceless noise of surprise. The glows from Makoto's phone and the TV screen are just enough to see by once Haruka flicks off the light. Rin has rolled over so he's face down in his pillow, doesn't look like he's going to be moving anytime soon.
"Should I set an alarm?" Makoto asks.
"Unless you think you can wake up in time," Rin says, words muffled.
"You should set it," Haruka says, crossing back over to them. He sits down, leans towards Makoto to check the time.
"Hey," Rin says suddenly, lifting his head just enough to peer at them both. "Are we even on the right side of the mountains to see the sun come up?"
Makoto's phone goes dark, leaving just the TV as lighting. Shadows cut deep across their faces. Rin's forehead is scrunched in thought.
"'Cause if the sun rises in the east and sets in the west…"
Haruka tries to picture where they are and where the mountains are and where east is, and doesn't get very far.
"Maybe we're not," Makoto says.
Rin drops his face back into the pillow. "So then what?"
"Well, you can still look at the colors in the sky even if you can't see the sun," Makoto says.
"We can climb to the top of the mountain," Haruka says, not meaning a word of it. He takes his pillow and lies down, stares at the ceiling.
"Then we'd have to get up earlier," Rin says.
Makoto yawns. "We don't have to climb a mountain." His yawn is contagious – Haruka catches it first, then hears Rin catch it from him. Then the room goes silent, the flickering of the TV screen lulling Haruka's eyes shut. He's almost asleep when Makoto speaks up, a tentative question in the near-dark.
"Rin?"
A pause. "What?"
"You like America, don't you?"
"Yeah, it's cool," Rin says, voice sleep-heavy. "Nice food. Nice weather. Nice pool."
Makoto chuckles, and that is that.
It's much too early when the alarm goes off. Haruka has to wrench himself from sleep, has no energy left to lift his cheek from the pillow. Somewhere nearby he hears Rin grumble, "I don't like this idea anymore," and from his other side he hears Makoto let out a tired sound and fumble with his phone.
The alarm cuts off; Haruka forces his eyes open. He's turned onto his side sometime in the past few hours, can see the TV flickering against the wall, tips his head up a bit and can see Rin on his back, an arm flung over his face.
"I gave us ten minutes, so we should get moving," Makoto says. He doesn't sound very enthusiastic, but he gets up and so Haruka makes himself follow suit.
"Rin." Rin gives no response when Haruka's foot nudges his shoulder, though his frown grows a bit more pronounced. The lights flicker on; Haruka nudges him again.
Rin sits up with a massive groan. He is unresponsive for another long moment, head bowed and hair a tousled mess. Then lets out a loud sniff. "This is the worst idea ever."
"You were the one who suggested it," Haruka says.
Rin squints up at him. "Why don't you guys ever tell me when my ideas are this stupid?"
"I think if we did," Makoto says, coming over and giving Rin a hand up, "you'd just pretend that we didn't."
"And we usually do," Haruka adds. Rin sends him a very unthreatening glare.
They're out the door in a couple of minutes, scarved and gloved, Rin with his hood pulled up. They start to trek up to a pathway a bit past the shrine that looks out over the ocean, where they'll have a clear view of the sky. The temperature has plunged overnight, and halfway to their destination Makoto decides to head back for blankets – "In case we want to watch for a while. You guys go on ahead, I'll catch up in a second."
"Aye aye, Captain," Rin says, bringing a hand to his forehead in a groggy salute.
He and Haruka continue on, fatigue making the silence much more agreeable than conversation would be. Their feet scuffle softly against the steps – the only real sound at this hour, because not even the birds have risen. Windows are dark, houses silent, the ocean breathes softly behind them. The air smells like ice as it brushes Haruka's cheeks.
They reach the pathway, walk about halfway down it and then lean back against the safety railing. The town descends at their backs. Ahead and above are more mountains, more trees. The sky is a pale bluish gray; Makoto is cutting it close.
"The snow's late this year," Rin comments, never one to go long without talking no matter how tired he is. "But it's still colder than at school."
Haruka hums an agreement. "You're going to miss the worst of it, though."
"Yeah. It doesn't even snow over there."
Haruka looks over at him, eyebrows raised.
"Seriously," Rin says. He turns around, props his elbows against railing. "I was kinda hoping I'd see some here. It's gonna be a weird winter without it. Then again, it never snowed in Australia, either."
Haruka stares up at the sky, wonders when the wispy clouds will be replaced with thicker ones. He can't quite imagine a winter without snow.
"Haru, we should race in the ocean sometime."
Haruka frowns, glances back over. Rin isn't looking at him, but he does look serious, a slight furrow between his brows.
"When it's warmer."
"No shit, I'm not an idiot," Rin says, rolling his eyes. He bends lower over the railing, rests his chin atop his hands.
Haruka turns around as well, looks out over the ocean. It's the color of steel, lacks any warmth, reminds him that now that they're standing still he can feel the cold seeping more persistently through his clothing.
"Wow," Rin says, voice almost a sigh. Or maybe something of a gasp, like he's trying to contain a shiver. His nose is as red as his hair. "Can't believe I'm actually gonna be watching the New Year's sunrise. Romantic, huh?" he teases, grinning out into the air before them.
Haruka presses his lips together, trying to stifle a smile. It really is as though the past couple of weeks had never happened, as though they had jumped from the restaurant to this day with nothing in between. He almost wants to ask – What was wrong? – but knows it isn't his place to pry. He'd rather be glad in his quiet way that Rin's sorted out whatever needed to be sorted out.
"Rin." He feels Rin look at him, keeps his gaze fixed determinedly over the rooftops. "Keep practicing your free."
He hears Rin chuckle. "You wanna lose that bad?"
"I think…" Haruka lets out a breath. "I think I'm gonna have more time to practice soon."
He can feel Rin's attention on him intensify like there is an actual current in the air.
"What do you mean, you're gonna have more time?"
Haruka shrugs. He hadn't been banking on questions, but he probably should have. "I'm not sure yet. I've been thinking about something a bit, that's all." He hears footsteps on the pathway, looks over to see Makoto arriving with the blankets.
"What do you mean?" Rin presses, grabbing his elbow.
Haruka pins him with a warning glare. "It's not a big deal," he says, pulling his arm from Rin's grip. He shakes his head at the questioning look Makoto gives them.
Makoto hands them each a blanket, and is painfully transparent when he squeezes in between them at the railing.
"Jeez, Makoto," Rin grumbles. "We weren't gonna throw punches or anything."
"Just making sure," Makoto says pleasantly enough. "And I'm pretty sure there's only one of you I'd have to worry about throwing punches."
Haruka can imagine the frown, the sudden bristling, but instead all he hears from Rin after a long second is a loud, deflating sigh and a sarcastic, "Yeah, yeah. Real funny." The tension dissipates like their breath in the air.
Haruka drapes the blanket over his shoulders, hugs it closed. The sky lightens, and lightens, seems to turn almost yellow, almost white. And then there is pink, catching his eye on the horizon above the crescent of mountains at his right, and a bit later orange, deep and glowing. He doesn't know how long he stands staring, only gets a sense of time passed when he starts to feel the crick in his neck. He looks overhead, to the clouds turning a burnt brick color as they are backlit by the sunrise.
Beautiful! Rei would proclaim, mouth wide with delight, if he were here with them. And Haruka would have to agree with him.
"Wow," Makoto breathes in awe, as though hearing his thoughts. "This is really something, isn't it?"
"It's nicer here," Rin says, sounding subdued. "The sunrise. The colors just look nicer. I'm not saying I go watching the sunrise all the time," he adds defensively. "We just have morning practice sometimes, so I'm just comparing what I've seen."
Haruka can't see him past Makoto, but he does see Makoto grinning as though trying to hold back a laugh. He feels a sudden swell of appreciation, a rush of giddiness.
"Happy New Year, Makoto, Rin."
Rin leans back to look at him. "You're kinda a lot of hours late, Haru," he says, but Makoto gasps, blanket slipping off as he grabs Haruka's shoulder to turn him around. "Look, we can actually see it!"
And so they can – the sun is a rich gold as it peeks over a mountain crag that rises a bit behind them.
Rin starts laughing. "What the hell were we even talking about – 'if the sun rises in the east and sets in the west'?"
Makoto laughs too. "I think we were just tired. Or bad at geography."
"This feels like the ending to some cheesy ass movie," Rin says. It kind of does, Haruka thinks. After this will be goodbyes, and now that they've actually seen the sun there isn't reason to stick around much longer.
Makoto parts with them at the picket fence in front of Haruka's house, because his family is planning to head back to the shrine sometime after breakfast and he'd like to get some sleep first. "Make sure you finish your reading," he tells Rin, as he's folding up his blanket to hand to Haruka.
Rin snorts, crosses his arms. "See you later, Makoto."
Haruka is ready to head inside, put the blankets in his arms back into the closet, crawl into bed if he can. "Are you staying or leaving?" he asks Rin, once Makoto is gone.
Rin turns to him, stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Well, I kinda need to go home and pack. And read. But, um –"
"Wait," Haruka says suddenly, stopping Rin short. A smile of relief breaks across his face. "I remembered. I have something to give you."
"Huh?"
"You left something here," Haruka says, and heads to the door.
"What? When?" Rin says, scrambling after him.
Haruka drops the blankets in the entranceway, nudges off his shoes. "When you stayed over last time, before you left for school." He heads to the stairs in a rush. "I can't believe I remembered," he says, feet heavy on the steps, Rin's joining in a moment later. "I've been forgetting this whole time."
"Haru, what the hell are you even talking about?"
"This," Haruka says, when he turns into his room. He snatches up the necklace from the edge of his desk, turns around just as Rin bursts in, looking utterly confused. "It fell off; I found it on my bed," Haruka says, crossing over to him.
Rin holds up a hand, and Haruka places it in his palm.
Recognition flickers across Rin's face, followed by a hint of embarrassment. "Oh, yeah," he says. Gives a quiet laugh. "I forgot." He stares down at the necklace for a long moment, closes his fingers around it. "Haru."
Haruka waits, but Rin doesn't say anything else, doesn't look at him. "What?"
"There's…I have to tell you something."
Haruka feels his eyebrows furrow. "Okay." It isn't like Rin to announce when he's going to say something, but who knows what goes on in his head.
Rin sticks the necklace into the pocket of his jacket, doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands afterwards. He crosses his arms, changes his mind and puts his hands in his pockets as well. He meets Haruka's eyes, and Haruka sees something all too familiar – cautious and closed – and has the urge to throw up his arms and say Not now, I thought this was done!
But Rin looks calm, also. Determined – like he's made up his mind about something, and Haruka realizes he's going to find out what had been bothering him so much. The beat of panic is something he doesn't understand; he doesn't know why he is filled with dread, only that he suddenly wants to tell Rin that he doesn't have to say anything, that it's not a good time, that –
"Haru, I like you."
For a moment it's as though nothing actually happened, nothing was said. Haruka stands still, the dread still a dull twist in his chest, hears the words but not the meanings inside of them. And then his mind supplies them again, and a third time, and a fourth.
Rin's voice, and those heavy, heavy words. Oh.
What? he wants to say – and he does say it in his head, like some slow echo, his words mixing with Rin's words and leaving him feeling more and more blank. Say that again. What do you mean?
Except it's pretty clear what Rin means. He isn't shuttering himself anymore, isn't calm anymore, is looking at Haruka with an expression that is wide open and vulnerable. And scared.
And Haruka feels another type of panic hit him. He doesn't like that look on Rin's face, not at all, is afraid that anything he does will make it worse. How long has he been standing mute already? This isn't something he can stay silent for – he needs to give some response, anything.
Don't cry, he wants to say. He thinks it desperately, pleadingly. Please, don't cry. "Rin," he manages to say, voice jagged and weak, but his mind has nothing to supply beyond that.
"You don't have to say anything," Rin says, with a smile that looks painful to wear. He runs a hand through his hair, lets out a noisy breath. "Shit, I probably shouldn't have said anything, huh? But I just –" He gnaws on his lip, looks away. Swallows. "Just wanted to say it." Then, so quiet it's almost a breath: "Shit."
He shouldn't have. He shouldn't have. It's all Haruka can think – Rin shouldn't have said anything; how was Haruka supposed to be ready for this? What is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to think? What did Rin expect?
He feels fenced in. Rin is nearer the door, and Haruka can't do this now, can't think when Rin is right there and looking like he's about to break into little pieces. He's hurting Rin – he's hurting Rin. The panic spreads thick and slow through him, sinks deep.
But Rin doesn't cry, doesn't even get watery-eyed. He just smiles that horrible smile and looks very, very sad. "Just don't worry about it, okay?" he says, and Haruka wants to yell How am I supposed to not worry? I don't know what to do! Was I supposed to see this coming?
Because he didn't. He didn't see it at all. Rin has always been loud, and pushy, and obnoxious, and demanding, and physical, and crass – and none of that ever changed. Nothing changed, so how? – when?
"I'll just – I'll go," Rin says, backing toward the door. "It's okay – it's – just forget about it if you want. It'd probably be better."
He stops for a moment in the doorway. Struggles over something to say, and settles on a quiet "See you in the spring."
Haruka is too slow to respond, mind still spinning uselessly as Rin's footsteps head down the stairs. He hears the front door open and shut, and all he can do is bring a hand to his face and stare through his fingers in shock and sick, crushing guilt.