A/N: What do you mean it took me over two months to update, that can't be true, eh heh, heh, heh... Well, the good news is that most of the end of this section (spring break/section 3/this chapter and either one or two more) is written, I just had to go do the entire beginning part. And next is filling in the middle. I clearly do not write in order. But the end is the most exciting part so I can't blame myself for getting to it first. Um, I probably had more notes for this chapter, but I can't remember them other than the fact I really enjoy playing with possible post-series futures for these characters. I've tried to look a bit out of the box, but drama CDs and the soon-to-exist season two make me so nervous because they can make everything suddenly completely AU, and I really want to make things seem at least somewhat plausible...
Thank you to the guest reviewers from last chapter: Thegrandabyss, Ember, Mini, and Guest (the supreme guest of all guests)! This chapter's a bit short, but it's building things to come.
Chapter Four: Empty (Spring Break - part 1)
The only thing that Haruka is mad about is that Rin is gone now, which means he has to sit tight for two-some months harboring the knowledge of what Rin feels for him, without actually being able to talk to Rin about it.
There is so much he needs to know, needs to ask. Needs to say, especially – You're my friend no matter what; I'm sorry I couldn't say anything; I was too surprised; I never expected it.
He's never had to deal with an actual confession before. Chocolates on Valentine's Day, sure, but no one's ever told him they have feelings for him. People just seem to know that a confession is not something he'll have a response for, that 'Haruka' and 'romance' don't exist on the same plane.
Of course it has to be Rin who tries to defy that rule.
And he has to admit to himself that there are ways to get in contact with Rin. There's that app on his phone, the one Makoto downloaded for him that he's never used, but that he knows he could message Rin with. But that seems too impersonal, and maybe he's a little bit terrified – because if he can't see Rin's face then he'd have even less of an idea of how Rin was reacting, and he's already blundered up enough.
He needs to see Rin, needs to actually have him there with him. And he needs time, because the conversation they need to have is not something that will be quick, but more so than that, he needs to actually figure out what he wants to say. How he feels. What he thinks.
This is something that can only be done in person. They both owe each other that much.
But as unprepared as he feels to face Rin now, he feels even less prepared to wait. Frustration turns to anger turns back to frustration.
You can't drop something like this on someone and then just leave.
He almost brings it up to Makoto more than once, feeling mortified at the very thought of baring something so intimate, but at the same time feeling so desperate for any kind of advice– Rin likes me. What do I do? Help.
But he always stops himself, split seconds before the words slip out. He can't say anything, not if Rin hasn't told anyone else, and though he doesn't know, he guesses that Rin hasn't. As overwhelmed as he feels, he's going to respect the courage it took for Rin to tell him at all, and the fact that Rin actually cares for him so much, for reasons he can't fathom.
And that brings up a whole new question he needs to ask Rin: Why?
Why does Rin like him?
Wondering this makes it feel so much more concrete – Rin likes him, it has to be a fact or there would be no question of why – and yet the acceptance seems to keep slipping away. Comprehension that seems to dawn and dawn but never actually settle, guilt and dread bubbling up, making his skin feel prickly and not his own.
Flattery, maybe. But nervous, unsure.
Discomfort, most of all. It's a sensation that stings, or burns, or itches – he can't tell, only that he wants to be able to carve it out with his fingers and throw it far, far away.
He wonders if this is how most people react to confessions. Probably not. He tries to figure out which part bothers him so much, and the best he can come up with is that he's scared of things changing drastically with Rin again.
"Haru?"
He jerks his head up, realizes he's been staring at the carpet between his feet. Makoto comes back into the room, sits beside him on the bed, places a plate of fruit slices between them. "Mom says there's more if we finish," he says, but he isn't smiling. He doesn't say anything else, either, but he looks at Haruka with poorly-disguised concern.
It's only been a week, and he knows Makoto knows something is wrong.
"Thanks," Haruka says. He crunches into an apple wedge, avoids Makoto's eyes.
"Did you figure out the question you were having problems with?"
Haruka makes a noncommittal sound. His textbook lies open beside his hip, and he hasn't looked at it since Makoto left to get them a snack.
"Should we take a break, then?"
Haruka makes another indistinct sound. He hears Makoto suck in a breath, hold it as though he's on the verge of saying something, but then two heads poke around the doorway, stealing Haruka's attention and forcing Makoto to turn to see what he's looking at.
"Mom and Dad took over the TV downstairs," Ran says with a pout, and she and her brother troop into the room.
"They're watching something boring," Ren whines, "but we were gonna watch the Pokémon movie."
"Haven't you two already seen that?" Makoto asks, as the twins converge on the snack plate.
"Only once," Ran says, taking an apple slice. "Can we watch it in here? Please?"
Makoto looks at Haruka, who shrugs.
"Well, we were just about to take a break," Makoto says, and the twins cheer. Makoto shakes his head, but smiles wearily as he hands the remote to his sister.
"Hey, Haru-chan," Ran says a few minutes later, when they're waiting through the last of the commercials. "Do you have a favorite Pokémon?"
Haruka, who is sitting on the floor beside Makoto so the twins can be in front of the TV on the bed, thinks back to the old game his grandmother bought him before she passed away.
"The blue alligator."
"Eh? What's that one?" Ran mutters to her brother.
"That's a really old one," Ren says, sounding awed.
"The water liked him," Haruka says.
"You're so weird, Haru-chan," Ran says, and Haruka hears her flop down before her chin comes to a rest on his shoulder. "Can I play with your hair?" She doesn't wait for an answer.
Once the movie's over and the twins have left for bed, Makoto tips his head back and closes his eyes. "Man, I'm so beat."
"Maybe you should drop a class," Haruka suggests. He starts removing the hair ties, winces when a bare piece of elastic snags and pulls.
Makoto shakes his head. "I can handle it."
Haruka continues his work quietly, and sets the ties on Makoto's desk when he's done. "Do you want to sleep?"
Makoto nods, eyes still closed. He half-climbs half-drags himself onto his bed, collapses face down.
It's only ten, so it feels a little strange to turn off the light, almost like he's a parent taking care of a sick child. But with all that's been on his mind, he realizes that he feels pretty worn out as well, and when he crosses to the bed Makoto rolls aside to leave him room.
The house goes quiet save for the occasional creaks and cracks, the walls coming to life and stretching their stiff joints. He and Makoto lie back to back, and though Haruka wants to close his eyes, his mind is kept awake by the incessant feeling that he's betraying Makoto somehow by keeping quiet about Rin.
It's no surprise that Makoto can tell he's still awake, even less of a surprise that Makoto addresses the very thought plaguing him.
"Haru?"
Haruka prompts him to continue with a soft hum.
Makoto is silent for a moment, the sound of someone gathering their thoughts. "You know, right, that if you need anything, I'll be there. To help, or listen, or whatever's best. You don't have to feel like you have to keep everything to yourself if something's bothering you. Okay?"
"I know," Haruka says. He wishes he could say something better. "Thank you."
"Mm-hm. 'Night, Haru."
"Good night."
He feels Makoto shift, feels Makoto's back warm against his, and thinks of Rin.
Thinks of the look on Rin's face, and feels something within him collapse for the millionth time.
He had looked so devastated. Haruka had done that to him.
He feels a tightening in his chest – is it his lungs? His heart? Is it in his stomach, even? All of him feels so mixed up, a horrible burning heat, like fire ants beneath his skin.
He can't keep doing this. He needs to stop, even if it's just for his own sake. He won't think of Rin any more than he has to, and he'll do everything to stop thinking of him when he starts to. It hurts too much, he feels too horrible. It won't do to let the guilt eat away at him. And it won't do to make Makoto so worried, because then he'd have two people to feel guilty over and he doesn't think he'd be able to shoulder that.
He won't think of Rin, and then when Rin is back, he will. They'll talk, and no matter the outcome, things will be okay.
Until then, he'll turn his thoughts elsewhere. Rin will be fine. Rin is strong, stronger than anyone he knows.
It's completely ironic when Hiro asks him, very innocently on Monday morning, "Haru-chan, is your friend gonna come back to swim?"
Haruka falters, muscles going tense before he catches himself and exhales. Hiro continues to blink up at him, hand in his and expression childishly curious.
"He's at school now, far away," Haruka says.
"But is he gonna come back?"
"I don't know. He might," Haruka says, trying to sound impartial. "Do you want to keep working on backstroke today?"
"Yeah! I'll race you!"
Haruka allows a small smile, and allows himself to be tugged over to the pool steps. These days he teaches Hiro for about half an hour, until Hiro has to leave for school and Ishikawa-san for work, and then he swims for about an hour more. His classes aren't until the afternoon, so he doesn't catch the train with Makoto in the mornings anymore, though they do take it home together at the end of this day.
This morning, when Haruka exits the locker room, Kaji-san is absorbed in something on his computer screen, fingers typing away and eyes occasionally flickering down to the paperwork in front of him. On a stand propped atop the desk is an advertisement for summer swim lessons. I don't have this thing up by New Years, parents start askin' if summer classes're canceled, Kaji-san had said when Haruka first noticed the sign a few weeks ago.
"Has anyone signed up yet?"
Kaji-san looks up from his computer. "You kiddin'? Two so far this week. Makin' five in total. In January! We all know who we gotta thank for that."
Kaji-san likes to claim that more kids have been signing up for swim lessons ever since Haruka's high school team starting winning competitions. Haruka thinks he's probably stretching the truth.
Kaji-san looks at him with a keen eye. "But what's got'cha so interested?"
"I'm not interested," Haruka says quickly.
Kaji-san lets out a loud laugh. "All right, Nanase. All right. I won't ask. But here." He wheels his chair backwards to the filing cabinets, picks up some papers on top and wheels back, holding them out for Haruka.
Haruka takes them, reads a few lines, and feels his eyes go wide. He looks at Kaji-san, speechless.
Kaji-san waves him away, but not without a last word. "You'd better start fillin' that out. Instructors gotta train early, ya know. If they even get accepted."
"Thank you," Haruka says, tongue feeling too clumsy for even the two words. Kaji-san gives another dismissive wave of his hand, but it's accompanied by a smile.
As the train lurches gently along the tracks, Haruka holds the forms in his lap and can't help giving a smile of his own.
That was easier than he thought it would be.
And so most of the term passes routinely enough. He gives Hiro lessons in the mornings, catches up with Makoto at school around lunch time, and they head home together. Nagisa and Rei and Kou parade through his days here and there, but they are all busy keeping their marks up during the final stretch. Even Nagisa buckles down and gets to work with a seriousness that is a little surreal – Studying first, then fun, Haru-chan, is not something Haruka had ever thought he'd hear.
He doesn't think about Rin much, and every time he starts to, he forces his mind elsewhere. It gets a little bit easier, a little more routine.
On the train home a week before exams, he shows Makoto the forms, tells him he doesn't think he's going to be returning for school in the spring.
"I can't say I'm all that surprised," Makoto finally says, and Haruka isn't all that surprised by his reaction, though it doesn't quite reassure him.
"Do you think it's a bad idea?"
"No. I think it suits you," Makoto says, whatever that's supposed to mean. "I mean you always kind of do things your own way."
The train stops, doors open, they pull their feet back as students crowd off.
"When did you get this?" Makoto asks, handing back the papers.
"A while ago," Haruka says, feeling sheepish even though he knows it doesn't show. It doesn't need to, because Makoto can sense it anyway.
"A while? Why haven't you filled it out yet?"
Haruka shrugs. He'd look out the window if he could, but it's behind him and there are people sitting across the way, so he settles for pretending he's very interested in some unspecific section of the flooring. "Haven't decided if it's a bad idea."
"Haru! It's a really good idea!"
Haruka gives him a bemused look.
"For you," Makoto clarifies. "For you, it's a really good idea. Really. If your lessons with Hiro are any indication, this is something you're suited for."
"He's one kid."
"You're fine with kids. You're fine with Ren and Ran."
Haruka has to admit this is true. But they're older.
"And Kaji-san will definitely recommend you. And," Makoto carries on, fired up with enthusiasm now, "this is something that could turn into a long-term thing. And it's swimming! Haru, it's perfect!"
"Okay," Haruka says, mostly so Makoto will calm down. He's starting to draw attention.
"Well, you should probably think about filling it out, at any rate," Makoto says, goading but not forceful.
"Okay," Haruka says again, and Makoto sighs, but he's almost smiling.
"You said you weren't surprised," Haruka remembers suddenly, as they're walking up the steps toward his house. He frowns at Makoto, who looks up from his phone, thumbs stilling in the midst of what is probably another text message – he's been texting someone nonstop since their conversation on the train ended. Haruka thinks it's remarkable he's managed not to trip up the stairs. "Were you expecting me to drop out?"
Makoto laughs. "No, not drop out. But…let's just say it was obvious you didn't have your heart in it."
"Hm," Haruka says, and gets out his keys.
Later still, when he's helping Haruka cook dinner in return for being able to stay to eat it, Makoto asks, "So when you're not teaching swim lessons, what are you gonna do?"
The egg and vegetables are frying in the pan with the chicken – A miracle, Makoto had said, when Haruka had opened a fridge void of fish. Haruka had found it a shame, an even bigger shame that he had completely forgotten to stop by the store on the way home.
Now he's chopping the green onions, because he still doesn't trust Makoto around the cutting board. "If I teach swim lessons," he corrects.
Makoto tsk-s. "Is that 'if' if you're going to fill out the application, or if you'll get hired once you fill it out?"
"If I get hired."
"Come on, Haru. If you apply, you'll be hired."
"You don't know that." The edge hasn't crept into Haruka's voice yet, but Makoto's enthusiasm is beginning to feel pushy.
"I'm pretty sure I know that."
"Watch out," Haruka says, coming over with the onions. Makoto steps aside so he can dump them in, and then gets back to stirring.
"Nagisa's told you about his party, right?"
"Yeah," Haruka says, turning on the sink so he can wash the cutting board. The party is for the swim team, celebrating a good season as well as celebrating those graduating. He and Makoto are invited by default.
"Did he tell you he named it? The 'We Survived' party." Makoto chuckles. "I guess we all survived something this year, didn't we? Competitions, high school, and we made it through our first year of college… Kinda makes me feel old, when I think about it."
"Hm."
"He's waiting to find out when Rin comes back before he sets a date."
The punch-to-the-gut feeling is manageable, but still leaves an unpleasant feeling in its wake. A little bit sore, a little bit jittery. Haruka tries to ignore it. "Hm."
"Have you heard from him recently?"
He takes in a breath, lets it out, inaudible over the sounds of the food frying and the sink running. He shuts off the water, sets the cutting board on the rack. "No."
"Me neither. He's probably been busy surviving, also."
"Yeah."
"Hey Haru?"
Haruka lets out another breath. "What?"
"Am I burning the vegetables?"
The night before Nagisa's party, he sits on the edge of his bed in the dark, with a plan in his head that feels like it's falling to pieces. He knows Rin is back in Japan. Has probably been back for almost a week, probably since around the time he and Makoto buckled down and started studying for exams.
He wonders if he should text him, just to say something. Anything. His phone is already in his hands, but it just sits there as his brain comes up with feeble suggestions.
Hi.
How are you?
See you tomorrow.
Tomorrow. It's too near and hardly near enough. Two months is a long time. Long enough to dull the shock Rin's confession had first brought on, so that it's no longer the mind-spinning thing that left him unable to function in his bedroom on New Year's morning.
Two months has been long enough for him to decide that Rin liking him doesn't change who Rin is, and doesn't have to change who Rin is to him. And with that decision made, he had started to believe that when he and Rin would talk, it would be easy.
Of course, he'd never thought about how he'd get Rin alone. Or where. Definitely not at a party. How is he supposed to talk to Rin tomorrow, surrounded by rowdy swim team members and whatever Nagisa has in store for them?
He feels the sudden surety that things won't go right if he waits until tomorrow. He needs to establish contact sooner, needs to somehow reassure himself that Rin is still there and can be contacted at all.
But he also feels like it's too late, because he's had so much time, and he's waited so long.
He pulls up Rin's name, their most recent text conversation dated late last year.
His thumbs hover over the keyboard until the screen goes dark.
He tries to sleep, but it's made difficult by a perpetual twist in his gut, shame and self-deprecation and Rin's devastated expression crowding in from all angles.
Tomorrow will either be the start of things getting better or things getting so much worse.
Everyone else is in high spirits, and Haruka has finally extricated himself from a group of his old swim teammates and retreated to the kitchen where it's quietest. There, he dwells on the fact that he's probably the only person who hasn't survived anything at this 'We Survived' party; if anything, the thing he's going to have to survive will be happening very soon.
Because Rin likes him.
It's not a dull thing anymore. It is immediate and pressing, eliminating the last bits of his surety and leaving his mouth dry, but his stomach has tied itself into such a tight knot that he hasn't even managed a sip of the water he's poured himself.
Nagisa bounces into the room, spots him in the corner, and bounds over. "Haru-chan, there you are! We're gonna start a game of cards in the living room, you wanna –" He stops, gives Haruka a concerned look. "Haru-chan? You're, um…spilling the water a little bit. On the floor."
Haruka snaps his wrist straight, looks at the small puddle on the tiles and regrets filling his cup to the brim.
"You okay, Haru-chan?"
Haruka sets the cup on the counter. "I'm fine. I'll clean it up."
But Nagisa catches his wrist, starts to drag him toward the living room. "Don't worry about it; it'll dry. We've gotta get you out of the kitchen! This is no time to be antisocial, Haru-chan. What were you even doing in there?"
"Getting some water."
He doesn't think Nagisa hears him. It doesn't matter, because the doorbell rings as soon as they're out of the kitchen, and somehow he knows it's Rin this time. Nagisa lets him go, rockets over to the front door, and Haruka gravitates to the edge of the room, behind a couch and behind all the other people who have paid the doorbell no notice.
It's been two months, two and a half, of no speaking, no nothing, and now Rin's going to parade through the front door and what is Haruka supposed to do? What will Rin expect him to do? What does Rin expect ever?
Kou comes in first, hangs her scarf and coat on the stand by the door and hurries farther into the warmth. But Haruka is staring past her, and when Rin walks through the doorway – frowning, shoulders slightly hunched, hands in his pockets, same as always – he feels for a second like he's been jolted and his ribs have had to absorb the shock. He can't even tell what he feels anymore – fear, or anxiety, or shame – and he almost misses Nagisa's cry of joy when Nitori appears.
Rin scans the room, gaze snagging for a moment on Haruka, but not on his eyes, somewhere above them, and then he elbows Nitori in the side to get him moving inside as the other guests converge on them.
Kou extricates herself from the throng, shaking her head in exasperation, and heads Haruka's way. "No hellos for me, I guess. Their own manager, overshadowed by her brother, their old rival." She has a smile for Haruka, though. "Hi, Haruka-senpai. How's the party?"
Haruka greets her, might say something about it being loud, but in the background Rin and Nitori and their paparazzi in tow manage to make it into the kitchen without Rin sparing so much as a glance his way.
Maybe he lost his chance to speak to Rin a long time ago.
As the night wears on, Haruka lets himself be corralled around by whoever corrals him around, usually Nagisa because Rei and Makoto quickly give up. He doesn't try to approach Rin, but on the off chance he finds himself close, Rin manages to pull Nitori from thin air and place him between the two of them, or else he just escapes to him whenever that isn't an option.
Nitori is the shield, Haruka finally understands.
It makes him feel miserable, because now he knows he's messed things up. The anticipation of seeing Rin back, the jittery dread, has turned into something cold and festering. Rin still hasn't looked at him.
He finds himself lurking against the wall once more, in the living room this time, since the brunt of the party seems to have moved into the kitchen – he left when Rei lost a game and had to drink a concoction of soy sauce, fish sauce, hot sauce, and cider. He's maybe sulking and maybe just wondering how much longer he's obliged to stay before he can go home. His cup of cider is empty, leaving him with nothing to pretend to be occupied with.
He doesn't see Kou until she's beside him.
"Mind if I join you?" she asks. "There are only so many boy activities I can handle in a night."
"Why didn't you bring a friend?" Haruka asks, realizing that while being the manager may make Kou an honorary member of the swim team, it also makes her the only girl here.
Kou shrugs. "Didn't know we could. I didn't know Nitori-kun was coming until he showed up at our house." She leans against the wall beside him, and now she has her manager face on – mostly the same, but stern around the edges. "Makoto-senpai says he thinks something's bothering you but that you probably don't want to talk about it, so he asked me to come check on you."
Haruka has always appreciated her bluntness, that much he can admit. Still, he doesn't want to be babysat. "Why didn't he come himself?"
She shrugs again, looks out over the room. There is a group of four playing cards in front of the TV; they've been at it for what seems like hours.
"Probably because I'm a girl and he thinks I'd be better at talking to you about whatever's bugging you. Don't worry, I'm not going to. That'd probably be a bit awkward."
"Probably," Haruka agrees.
"But," Kou continues, "my brother's been more storm-cloudy than usual these past few days, so I'd say if there's anyone you should talk to, it should be him. Or more like, you both would need to talk to each other. If that's the problem."
"It's usually the problem, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it usually is." Kou laughs, but it streams into a sigh. "Well, that's that," she says, pushing off the wall. "Task completed. I'll take it you'd like to be let back to your thoughts now?"
"I don't mind your company," Haruka says truthfully. He's starting to feel a little pathetic in his isolation, even more so because the only remedy would be to either join the card game or enter the kitchen where Rin is, and he doubts either would make him feel any better.
"Okay," Kou says brightly, and she steers him into an innocuous conversation about exams and spring break plans that manages to make him feel a little less pathetic. Makoto comes out of the kitchen a while later and looks surprised to see the two of them talking.
"It's done," he says with a smile to Kou, and then to Haruka he adds, "Haru, you should come too. We're done decorating the cake." He goes to inform the card players, and Kou nudges Haruka in the side.
"Come on. Let's go see what they've created."
The cake (all Nagisa's idea; Haruka doesn't know when he even found the time to make it) is hideous, and sweet, and sticks in Haruka's throat a bit on the way down, but he works through his entire slice because it's something to do. He takes a second piece under the pretext that he hasn't eaten much tonight, and retreats to the living room couch. Kou joins him soon after, looking worn and exasperated, and in the kitchen Haruka can hear the sounds of sugar highs kicking in.
He hears Rin laugh loudly at something, and takes a particularly large bite of cake, smearing icing onto the corners of his mouth.
"I'm tired," Kou says, slumping low on the cushions, and Haruka hums an agreement. They sit in silence for a while, Haruka nibbling on the rest of his cake even though it's starting to make him feel a sick, Kou playing something on her phone.
And then suddenly Rin is standing at Kou's end of the couch, determinedly keeping his eyes on his sister and not the person sitting a few feet away.
"Gou, c'mon, we're going," he says stiffly. His throat sounds tight, like he's working hard to keep his voice low. "Remember what Mom said about tomorrow."
Kou springs to her feet, but Rin is already on his way to the door, Nitori in tow.
"Take care, Haruka-senpai," Kou says, and then she calls after her brother, "I have to say goodbye to the others!"
Rin lifts a hand over his head to show he's heard. Then he reaches for his coat on the stand.
Haruka finds himself standing, finds himself getting closer and closer to Rin.
Maybe it's the sugar. Maybe it's the talk he had with Kou.
Either way, he has to say something.
"Rin."
Rin freezes, shoulders rising. He turns. Meets Haruka's eyes, and seems too surprised to look away. Not angry. Not upset. Just surprised.
And Haruka hadn't actually planned anything to say, hadn't planned on seeing that expression, so he stands with his jaw loose, brain scrambling. "Are you –"
"Sorry, Haru," Rin says, regaining himself and giving an awkward laugh. "I gotta go. Some other time."
Haruka hardly notices the confused "Bye, Nanase-senpai" that comes from Nitori, hardly even notices Rin open the door and let in a burst of cold air, because he's replaying the laugh and the Some other time, and he doesn't think he's ever heard anything so empty.