Harry
"Harry. . . HARRY," Neville whispered beside him, tapping his shoulder and waking him up from the daydream he had been in.
"What Neville?" he said, annoyed that he was being bothered. Neville just pointed to the front of the classroom. Harry turned his eyes to see Remus and the rest of the classroom looking at him. He sat up in his chair and tried to shake himself from the thoughts he had been lost in.
"Uhh. . . Sorry sir," he apologized, guessing that he had been asked a question while he was in his trance.
"Now that you have rejoined us Harry can you tell me what the best strategy to take is when encountering a Red Cap?" Remus asked him, giving him a concerned look that looked more like one his parents might give him than one of his professors normally would.
"Yes sir. Red Caps draw their magical energy from the red cap they wear. A strategy of trying to remove the cap or changing the cap's color have been proven to be the most successful," he answered the question almost robotically, his mind still elsewhere. Luckily it was an easy question that he could have answered back in his second year.
"That is correct, three points to Gryffindor. It has also been documented that the use of a beautification potion can be an effective strategy. It is well known that beauty repulses Red Caps. With that in mind your homework due monday of next week is to right seven inches on the article in your books titled, The Veela and The Red Cap. Class is dismissed," Remus announced and the students of the dark arts classroom began gathering their things. Having never actually unpacked anything for the class Harry got up and started to leave quickly, ready to just go lay down in his bed.
"Harry, would you come here please," Remus called out his name. He turned back from the doorway and made his way over to Remus. Remus, who Harry had considered to be practically his uncle his entire life, was the current interim dark arts professor at Hogwarts. Due to the increase in death eater attacks over the past two months Kingsley had gone on leave from his teaching position to offer the ministry some help.
"Yes professor?" he asked as he arrived to thee desk at the front of the classroom.
"Now Harry, you know I asked you not to call me that," Remus told him.
"Sorry prof. . . Remus," he apologized to his uncle.
"Now I know I am no Kingsley and the topic of Red Caps isn't the most interesting but that is still no reason for you to be drifting off like that in class. Your mother would not be happy either," Remus said.
"I'm sorry," he apologized halfheartedly.
"I'm sure you are. I was going to ask how you thought I did for my first lesson, but it appeared you only caught the last few seconds of it," Remus added.
"It was a good lesson. You did good Remus. You would make a good dark arts professor! I'm sorry for dazing off like that, my mind is just. . . elsewhere today," he answered.
"Thank you Harry. Now come on," Remus said, grabbing his coat from a nearby chair's back.
"What? Where?" asked Harry.
"You need to find your head today. I'm going to help you look for it," Remus said.
Still slightly confused from the random change of plans he followed Remus out of the dark arts classroom. Remus led him through the corridors of the castle, notably taking shortcuts behind a few different suits of armor and paintings that Harry had never noticed at three different points until they found themselves out on the castle's grounds.
"Where are we going Remus?" Harry asked, amazed that they were somehow already outside.
"For a walk Harry," Remus answered him, and started walking towards the forbidden forest. For a few minutes the two of them just walked in silence along the edge of the forest. As they walked in silence his mind immediately drifted back into his thoughts. When they made it halfway across the large bridge leading to Hogwart's west grounds Remus stopped and leaned onto the railing. Harry followed his lead.
"So Harry, tell me," Remus said to him as Harry leaned over the railing.
"Tell you what sir?" Harry asked. He shifted his gaze to look out over the railing and onto the grounds of the castle. Most of the fog covering the grounds made it harder to see more than twenty or so feet off in the distance.
"Harry as much as you may look like your father you are certainly your mother's child. During my time at Hogwart's I probably spent more hours with your parents than I did without them. In all that time I spent with your mother, your father, and Sirius it became quite easy to understand them and their feelings.
"I understood after some time that Jame's hair would get even messier when he was flustered or troubled. I knew that your mother's eyes would change ever the slightest in their brightness when she was upset at your father, and I learned the distinct you-are-a-dead-man-James look she would give him quite often when your father was in trouble.
"The more time you spend with people the more you learn to understand them. I've grown up with you Harry since you were born, we are practically family in every way but blood. I know when you are upset Harry, I know when something is bothering you. Now talk about it," Remus finished saying. He turned his gaze from over the railing to look at Remus. He was met by a look of concern again.
"I don't really know what to say," he replied, honestly.
"Your best friend's family was murdered not long ago. That is probably a good place to start," Remus said bluntly, staring directly at him as he spoke.
"Yeah. . ." he responded, unsure of what to say in response to that.
"And you feel responsible," Remus said, again bluntly.
"How did. . ?" he started to ask.
"Like I said, I know you Harry. And as unbelievable as it might sound I understand what you are feeling in many ways," Remus answered him, his gaze returning to look out over the bridge's railing.
"I doubt it," he said tersely. There was no way anyone could understand how he was feeling. Not even Hermione or Alina could. That was part of the reason he was feeling this way.
"Well, talk to me still. Why do you feel responsible for Marik's family's death?" Remus asked.
"Because I am responsible. Bellatrix is a death eater. She wouldn't be killing people if it wasn't because of Voldemort. She probably killed them because she knew Marik was my friend and was trying to get to me," he answered Remus, feeling his emotions swell at the first time speaking out loud about the topic of Marik's family.
"I'm afraid you are wrong Harry, in many ways. And you are being selfish," Remus answered bluntly again, catching Harry a little off guard with the harshness in his voice.
"Bellatrix is the type of person who finds killing to be fun. She once tortured another death eater, someone who was on the same side as her, with the cruciatus curse for three hours straight because she was bored. The poor man ended up worse than dead, and stuck in a bed at St. Mungo's for the rest of his life as a result of it," Remus responded, still staring at him.
"Still," he started to argue.
"And while we don't know if killing Marik's parents was on Voldemort's orders or just Bellatrix looking for fun, the point remains that it was not your fault. Dumbledore brought me up to speed about everything that happened in Hogsmeade between Marik and Bellatrix. If I were a betting man I would say that Bellatrix went after Marik's parents because Marik went after her, not because he was your friend. Not everything bad that happens in the world is a result of you being an enemy of Voldemort. There are as many bad things as good things that happen everyday out in the world."
"Yeah. . . Maybe. I still feel responsible for it though. So many bad things have happened to my friends, all because of me or something related to me. Alina got possessed, Marik had to fight a basilisk and almost died for it, Hermione got attacked by Malfoy, and now Marik's parents were killed," he felt a tear stream down his face as he spoke about this all.
"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity Harry. It is natural for you to feel responsible when bad things happen to those you love. I would be more worried for you if you did not feel some inkling of responsibility for your friends. Harry, did your parents ever tell you about my trial?" Remus asked him, this time breaking eye contact with Harry to look out over the bridge's railing.
"No, what trial?" he asked, suddenly curious. He had never known that Remus had been put on trial for something.
"I figured they wouldn't have. Your mother always liked to keep your world as free from the past and bad memories as possible. As you know Harry I am a werewolf, and have been one ever since I was much younger than you are now. As you also know that when I shift my form during a full moon that most of my normal consciousness slips away and is replaced with animal instincts. I have been living with this condition all my life and like to think that I have mastered controlling it somewhat over the years. However, there have been a few slip ups over the years," Remus paused as an owl flew past them towards the school.
"After you were attacked that night years ago Harry, your family went into hiding. They cut off all contact with the outside world out of fear of being betrayed again. To feel safe they broke contact with everyone, including myself and Sirius," Remus started to explain.
"Why would they cut you and Sirius off?" Harry asked him, having never heard of this before.
"Because of Peter," Remus answered. Harry noticed Remus's fist clench at the mention of the name.
"Who is Peter sir?" Harry asked, again he had never heard of this name.
"Peter was part of the marauders. He was a friend of myself, Sirius, and your fathers. The month before you were attacked I became your parent's secret keeper," Harry started to ask what that was but Remus held a hand up when he noticed Harry's curious look. "A secret keeper means exactly how it sounds. I was in charge of keeping your family's secret. In this case the location of your home was their secret. It is quite powerful magic, and only those who know the secret would have been able to know where you and your family were living," Remus again paused and looked back over the railing.
"However in the week before your family was attacked I had my first slip-up, for lack of better words, with my werewolf form. Voldemort had been gaining strength and increasing his numbers by the day. As his numbers increased Voldemort became much more courageous in his attacks. During the war there seemed to be a killing and an attack every day, it was quite a dark time. One of these attacks came, unfortunately for me, during a full moon," Remus's fist again clinched. Harry listened on intently, interested at hearing all of these things that everyone else had failed to mention to him so far.
"Before Hemera married Sirius she was married to a man named Gregory Greengrass. Gregory was a well known politician whose family at a time was one of the wealthiest in Britain. Hemera's marriage with him was an arranged marriage, made by her father when she was young in hopes of marrying into wealth.
"Hemera hated Gregory from the day she met him, but was too obedient to her father to do anything about it. So the two of them got married. Eventually Hemera learned that Gregory had become a death eater, Voldemort had promised to make Gregory the Minister of Magic when he came to power in exchange for his services and influences inside the ministry. Hemera learned of all of this only three days before giving birth to Daphne. After Hemera gave birth to Daphne she fled from her home out of fear for Daphne's life, eventually finding protection in an old school boyfriend's home," Remus explained.
"Sirius?" Harry asked.
"Yes. Without hesitation Sirius took Hemera and Daphne in and the rest is history. The two of them quickly fell in love and got married after just a few months of dating. Shortly after that Sirius learned Hemera was pregnant with his child. I've never seen Sirius happier than he looked on that day," Remus smiled at the memory.
"A month before Alina was to be born though the Black home was attacked. Gregory had great influence in the ministry and many connections. Through those connections he was able to gain access to their floo network. With a team of death eaters they attacked Sirius, Hemera, and Daphne.
"Hemera normally would be have been able to handle herself against even five normal death eaters, but the pregnancy had taken a lot of her strength away from her. Luckily Sirius isn't a pushover either when it comes to dueling. Sirius was able to defeat everyone of the death eaters, except Gregory, who had apparated away before Sirius could attack him," Remus again paused for a few seconds before continuing.
"Thankfully, neither one of them had been killed, however, the strain on Hemera's magic caused her to go into an early labor. Sirius informed your family as well as myself when they arrived at St. Mungos. We arrived at the hospital to learn that with all of the loss of magic combined with a few of the spells that had been cast near Hemera during the skirmish that her pregnancy had become a high risk pregnancy, and that she would most likely lose the child.
"When I arrived at St. Mungos and saw Sirius, my friend, look the way he looked. . . I could feel his pain and sense his despair. Sirius's world had practically come to a stop, and I was stuck watching it crash and burn, unable to help him at all. The sight tore at me in a way nothing ever had, I lost it," Remus looked like he was on the verge of the tears as he spoke.
"I stormed out of the hospital and went searching for Gregory, lusting for some revenge. At the time I was working for the ministry as a consultant on werewolfs, so I had some access to certain files in the Ministry of Magic.
"I was able to find some information fairly quickly on were rumors had it Gregory had fled to following the attack. My information led me to a large vacation home on the coast of southern England. There I found Gregory. Me and him dueled for a few minutes, going back in forth with our spells. Gregory had been a good student during his time at Hogwarts, but even still I managed to get the upper leg on him. However, I was so focused on revenge though that I failed to take notice of my surroundings. It was a full moon that night," Remus paused again, it looked like he was fighting harder to hold back tears.
"Before I even noticed I shifted into my werewolf form. Filled with anger and lusting for revenge combined with the instincts of my werewolf form I lost any control I might have had. I set out looking for Gregory again, I wanted to hurt him for hurting my friends. I never wanted to kill him though. I don't remember the rest of the night from that point on, only waking up in a forest the next day tired and confused. When I made my way back to St. Mungos I was immediately taken into custody.
"In my werewolf form I attacked Gregory with the intention to kill. And I almost did kill him. Gregory somehow managed to portkey out of there, however, his injuries were too severe. He eventually turned himself in to St. Mungos to get treatment for the severe wounds I had given him. A death eater attacked and killed Gregory that night, out of fear that when he was taken into custody he might spill valuable information.
"Because I was taken into custody your parents were forced to remove me as their secret keeper. Since I would be interrogated under veritaserum they couldn't risk keeping me as their secret keeper any longer. Your parents felt that Sirius was under too much stress because of the attack and didn't want to add anything to his burdens by asking him to be their new secret keeper, so instead they turned to another friend.
"Peter Pettigrew had been one of our good friends since almost the beginning of our time at Hogwarts. Peter was a sweet boy during his time at Hogwarts and outside of your mother was one of the few people that could reel the rest of the marauders in. The Peter we knew at Hogwarts was a funny little boy who had as much determination to be a great wizard as anyone else I knew. Unfortunately, Peter was not much of a wizard, in his fifth year Peter was kicked out of Hogwarts for failing too many classes. We all still remained close friends though, however, Peter never really returned to being the sweet boy he used to be.
"Peter always had desired to be a great wizard, he had always felt left out because of his lack of magic. So when a well known powerful wizard promised to give him great power and teach him great magic; practically giving Peter what he had desired his entire life in one quick flick of a wand it comes as no surprise that Peter said yes.
"That wizard was Voldemort. Voldemort promised Peter power, glory, and great magic in exchange for his services. That service was revealing your parents' secret. As soon as your parents made Peter their secret keeper he went and told Voldemort. The next day you were attacked," Remus stopped telling the story for a few seconds giving him time to process it all.
"What happened to Peter?" he asked, feeling a bit of rage build up inside himself after hearing that his parents had been attacked because of a traitorous friend.
"He died that night. Peter in his last few moments felt nothing but overwhelming regret. In his own greed he had gotten his friends attacked. He turned himself in and was immediately sent to Azkaban. He committed suicide in his cell. . ." Remus paused again. Harry saw a tear finally escape from his eyes.
"My trial eventually ended. Because Gregory was a death eater I was let off much too easy, forced only to a few hours of community service and probation," Remus added.
"I never knew any of this sir. . . Remus. . . Thank you for telling me, but I still don't really get why you are telling me this," he responded.
"Because, I felt then much like you do now. Sometimes I still feel like you do now. The entire time I was a student at Hogwarts I felt guilty. Sirius and your father sacrificed taking extra classes, private lessons, and time in their studies to learn how to become animagi for me.
"Your father was McGonagall's most prized transfiguration student and Sirius, outside of your mother, was one of the best charms student in the entire school. They threw all of that away because of me though. Becaused I was their friend they sacrificed all of that so that I didn't have to be alone during a full moon. Your father could have gone on to become the next great wizard in the transfiguration field, and Sirius too. They didn't though because of me.
"There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel a sting of guilt at being part of the reason Sirius and your father's schooling wasn't as great as it could have been. I feel responsible for that, even though they made the choice on their own. I feel responsible that because I was weak and couldn't control myself that your parents were forced to make Peter their secret keeper.
"I feel responsible that you and your parents were able to be betrayed and attacked because I was not able to stay their secret keeper. And I feel responsible for the pain you are going through today, as if I was the one to push the first domino, unable to stop them as throughout the years they have continued to knock the next one over," Remus's eyes returned to meet his.
"Thats stupid," Harry said bluntly. Remus chuckled at his bluntness. "My dad and Sirius both went on to become aurors, which is a pretty honorable position to achieve. And you know both of them love working as analysts for the BallyCastle Bats now.
"I don't think doing a little worse in school hurt them at all, if anything it led to them both getting their dream jobs. And anyone would have gone after Gregory the way you did, it's not your fault that it just happened to be a full moon that night. How could you have kept your head completely focused with all that going on?
"And no one could have known what that would lead to, I know if you were given the choice to protect friends over revenge you would chose friends every time. And there is no way in hell you should feel responsible for me being upset now," Harry said to Remus, who just smiled at him as he spoke.
"You get your kindness from your mother Harry. Thank you for your words, you really don't know how much they mean, but I'm afraid you are being hypocritical," Remus answered.
"What?" he asked, taken aback again by Remus's bluntness.
"You tell me I have no right to feel like I am at fault for the things that happened, but yet you feel responsible for similar things. How could you, a one year old child, be responsible for Voldemort attacking your family? How could you even today be responsible for Voldemort's actions? The only thing you are responsible for Harry is surviving, and no one outside of Voldemort is upset at you for doing that.
"Your survival is responsible for giving the world light in one of its periods of darkness, not for the darkness the light vanquished. It's not your fault for living, and loving. You did not kill Marik's parents. You did not posses Alina. You did not attack Hermione. We cannot control the path the falling dominoes take Harry, we can only hope they don't fall onto the things we hold dear." said Remus, staring intently at him as he finished.
"Yeah. . . I guess you are right. I still feel awful though," he said. Remus was right, as much as he hated to admit it. He really couldn't control most of the things he was so upset about now.
"And that is understandable. The pain you feel now is a reminder of the good. It's hard to know what's good when you never see the bad. So what are you going to do Harry?" Remus asked him, turning to lean his back against the railing.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Your friend will need you when he gets back. His world will never be the same. His thoughts will try and sail the storms of his mind in the hopes of finding a lighthouse over the peak of the next dark wave of bad memories and pain. He will need an anchor. Will you be his anchor? Will you help your friend? Or will you continue to feel guilty and let him drift hopelessly out there on his own until he gets lost at sea?" Remus asked him.
"Alright I get it. I will stop feeling guilty. You are right, like always," he rolled his eyes when he said the last part. Remus smiled at it though. "It is selfish of me to be feeling so upset when Marik has things a thousand times worse. I will be there for him," he answered Remus, allowing himself a smile for the first time in a few days.
"You are a good friend Harry," Remus said, starting to walk back across the bridge towards the castle.
"Yeah, I am," he said sarcastically. "Besides, it is you who I really should be concerned about," he joked, running to catch up to Remus.
"Oh yeah? Why is that?" Remus asked playfully.
"What are you going to do with your life when Kingsley gets back from America with Marik? I don't know how you will be able to survive without giving exciting lessons on the mystical Red Cap everyday," he joked again. Remus started to laugh loudly at his joke. Harry followed the temporary dark arts professor's lead after a few seconds.
The two of them made their way back up to the castle as the sun sank down over the horizon. Remus and him went their separate ways as they entered the castle. Harry made his way back to the Gryffindor common room, where he quickly made a straight line for his bed for some much needed sleep. He would need to be rested for tomorrow.
Remus's words had hit home hard. Hermione had called him out for much the same last year. His problems were never just his problems. His problems were Hermione's, Marik's, and Alina's problems too. His friends cared about him, and they were there for him in the times he needed them to be. He would make sure he was there tomorrow for his friend when Marik needed him.
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