For those of you who have lost a baby – or who know someone who has, please know that I will be very sensitive to how I portray this. I have known people who have lost one of a set of twins and it is every bit as hard – in some ways it can be even harder as you try and come to terms with the conflicted feelings of pain of loss along with the joy of still carrying a child.
Although my time frames may be condensed a bit do to creative need, I do know that it can take a long time for grief to lessen and for things to begin to feel 'normal' again.
To all of you who have suffered the loss of a child – my sincerest sympathies. There is little that is more painful in this world.
It was too much to handle and Sam dissolved into racking sobs. Jack too felt stunned, not quite sure how to react. He felt torn in two – horribly aware that his child – even though only a tiny speck at this point – had died while at the same time he felt absurdly grateful that one still lived.
He reached down and gently pushed Sam's hair out of her eyes as she continued to cry and he then looked up, helplessly, to see the doctor still standing there, pity clear on her face.
"Can I still take her home?" For some reason he felt it was important to get out of the hospital, to go where there was calm and safety.
The doctor frowned slightly, considering the woman in the bed. "I'd like to keep her for a bit longer. I want to make sure everything is stable and then you can take her home. I'm afraid I'm going to want her restricted to bed for the next few weeks. Unfortunately, miscarriage isn't that uncommon with twin pregnancies and the chances are the other baby will be fine, but it's probably not a bad idea for her to take it easy for a while. I'll send the nurse in with some more information. I do suggest she book an appointment as soon as possible with her OB/GYN."
Jack nodded, and glanced down at Sam. She had calmed down, but still looked lost. It was an expression he had very rarely seen on Carter and it frightened him like few other things did. He didn't want to admit, of course, that he was feeling the same.
"Thanks Doc", he finally said, giving the woman a small smile. He suddenly felt his hand grasped and glanced down to see Sam clutching him as if he was all that was tethering her to this world. "It'll be okay", he told her gently. "The Doc's gonna look after you and so am I."
She nodded although he could hear the quivery breaths that still shook her. "Our baby died Jack."
"I know." He reached with his other hand and gently cupped her face and turned it so that she was looking at him. "I know – and it's crappy and unfair. Let's get you out of here and then we can talk, okay?"
She nodded again, her eyes full of tears – but locked onto his. "Okay." There was a pause. "Are you - sad?"
He felt a jolt of anger that she would even have to ask, but then realized that they hadn't really talked about this whole thing except for a few brief words. And how would she know how he felt. He knew he was the master of keeping things under cover. He sighed. "Yeah", he murmured quietly. "It was my baby too Sam – of course – of course I'm grieving." He gave a crooked smile. "I'm just not into crying in public."
She gave a small sob at that. "I'm sorry – I don't know what's wrong with me. Of course you're sad. I just -"
He covered her lips with his finger. "Hey- don't worry about it. What's wrong with you is you've just lost a baby and you're entitled to feel sad and lost and confused. And don't worry about me. I'll be okay."
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, leaning back on the pillow. She looked so pale, so bruised, he thought, watching her carefully. She continued to hold onto his hand, which he didn't mind in the least. The contact was comforting to him as well.
It was a couple of hours before the Doctor told them they could go and for the most of that time they just sat quietly. Sam dozed, although she didn't really sleep.
The Doctor gave strict instructions that Sam was to stay on bed rest for the next few weeks. "You can check with your doctor for further instructions", she told Sam, "but in the meantime I don't want you up except to go to the bathroom, okay?"
"Okay", Sam said quietly.
The Doctor reached out and lightly touched her forearm. "I'm so sorry for your loss – it's hard. But don't forget that you have another baby to look after, so take care of yourself, alright?"
"Alright Doctor, thank you."
While Sam was finishing up with the Doctor Jack had gone to make a phone call. He called Daniel and told him what had happened. "Can you pick us up?" he asked his friend. "I came in the ambulance and I'd rather not take a cab."
"God – of course Jack, I'll be right over. How are you doing?"
"Oh", he let out a deep breath, "I could be better, but I'll survive – I always do. Could you stop over at Sam's first and bring some clothes and her toothbrush and brush, etc. She can stay at my place tonight – I don't want her to be alone."
"I called Daniel", Jack told Sam as he re-entered her room. "He's stopping by to pick up some of your things."
"What?" she frowned. "But why? You can just drop me off at my place."
He was shaking his head before she was even finished speaking. "No way. You're not going to be on your own tonight and you don't have a guest room for me. You can have my guest room and we'll talk in the morning about how we're going to handle you being on bed rest. I'll call Hammond in", he glanced at his watch, "uh, in about an hour, and explain everything to him."
"But Colonel, I can't stay with you." She shifted nervously on the bed. "I'll be fine at home."
"You can't be on your own right now – not when you're restricted to bed. Just relax Sam – you need to rest and recuperate and not worry about anything."
"But what will General Hammond say? I mean, it's not exactly – okay – for me to be staying alone at my Commanding Officer's house."
"Sam – you won't be staying with your Commanding Officer, you'll be staying with Jack, your friend and – oh yeah – the father of your child. Don't argue", he told her sternly.
She gave him a watery smile, sniffed and decided to let him deal with everything. She was too tired, too sore and too sad to have to make any decisions right now.
When Daniel arrived he immediately walked over to the bed and reached down and gave Sam a hug. "I'm so sorry Sam", he told her, sounding sad.
"Thanks Daniel", she immediately felt the tears well up again. "One minute everything was fine and the next -"
He gave her another hug. "I'm so sorry", he repeated. "Jack said the other baby is okay?"
"Yes", she nodded. "I'm happy about that – of course I am." She began to cry again and Daniel just held her. Jack stood by, wishing there was something he could do to make it all better. He should be able to do something, he just didn't know what it was and that was killing him.
Sam eventually stopped crying and told the men she was okay and needed privacy to get dressed.
"How are you doing?" Daniel put his hand on Jack's shoulder as they stood out in the hallway, waiting for Sam to get ready.
"Okay", he sighed.
"Really?"
"No – of course not. But there's nothing I can do right now so – "
"I'm here for you guys you know, both of you."
"I know Daniel", he rubbed his hand through his hair. "I just can't believe all this is happening. I mean – I never thought I'd have a kid again. I didn't want one – didn't want to go through the pain of possibly losing another child", he laughed bitterly. "And now it's already happened." He fell back until he was leaning against the wall. "God – I can't believe this", he said again. "Maybe the universe just has it in for me."
"Jack." Daniel was shaking his head. "I know this is terrible, and I feel for both of you guys but there's still something positive, something to look forward to. There are two babies still waiting to be born."
"God – I know that, but what if -"
Daniel squeezed his shoulder. "You can't think that way. There are no guarantees in life but the chances are everything will be fine. Come on – you need to go home and rest."
Jack sat in the back seat with Sam on the way to his house, his arm around her and her head on his shoulder. None of them spoke, all too tired to even think.
"We're here guys", Daniel finally announced as he pulled into Jack's driveway. "Jack, you help her in and I'll grab her stuff."
Jack led her inside and onto the couch. "Just lie down here while I put some clean sheets on the bed. We'll get you all set up and then you can go to sleep."
"Sam, do you want something to eat or drink?" Daniel sat on the coffee table in front of the couch.
"A drink would be good, thank you." As she waited for him to come back with the drink Sam looked around the living room. She'd been here a number of times over the years, but for some reason things looked differently now. The relationship between her and the Colonel had changed, permanently, and she was no longer seeing the home of someone who was forbidden, but of someone with whom her life was now intricately enmeshed. At least she hope it was. She placed her hand on her sore stomach and closed her eyes, saying a short prayer. This baby had to be okay, had to survive.
She felt the tears again begin to fall and roughly wiped them off her face. She had to stop this. She had to be grateful that one baby had survived. She had to think about caring for it and doing everything she could to make sure it was safe. But how could she forget her other baby – the child whose life was cut short before it had really even begun. Didn't it deserve to be mourned? How could she just go on and be happy when her baby had died?
"Sam, are you okay?" He quickly rushed over to the couch, but before he got there he saw Jack arrive and decided to hold back and allow the other man to go to Sam. He was pleased to see that he instantly did. Daniel regarded the two of them for a few moments, and wondered if this tragedy might be the beginning of something positive for both of them. He practically snorted. He hoped that was the case, but he didn't trust these two. If anyone knew how to screw things up by not talking, it was the two of them.
Jack had walked into the living room to see Sam crying again, her face looking like – hell – someone had died. He felt his heart break and hurried over to her, giving Daniel a quick glance to tell him he had this one. He sat down beside her and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and simply letting her cry.
When she was done he gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Let's get you to bed." He stood up and then, before she had a chance to move, he'd leaned over and picked her up.
"Colonel!"
"Shhh – just relax."
"But – you can't carry me!"
"Yes I can and that's exactly what I'm doing." He continued down the hall and up the few steps to his bedroom. He pushed the door open with his hip and walked into the room. The bed was freshly made up and he'd pulled the covers back so that he was able to set her right down.
"Sir – is this your room?" She was looking around and the first thing she noticed was the picture of his son on his night table. It made her want to cry again, this time for him – although she wondered briefly if her – their – child would look similar. Instead of crying, she swallowed and looked up at him.
He grimaced slightly when he saw her notice Charlie's picture. He should have removed it - except he was so used to having it there he hadn't even thought of it. "Sorry", he told her softly, as he reached out to take it away. Her hand wrapped itself around his wrist, stopping him.
"It's okay", she said. "He's beautiful."
He looked closely at the picture and then nodded. "He was", he answered. "I'll take it to the other room with me."
She dropped her hand and let him have it. "So this is your room?"
"Yeah –it has an ensuite which will be easier for you – not so far to walk. Also the bed will be better since it's bigger. I don't mind. I can use the guest room."
"You really don't -"
"Shhh Sam – I want you to have this room. I'm fine."
She finally nodded and gave him a smile. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He gave her a smile as well, glad that she wasn't going to argue. He would never, ever tell her, but having her in his bed gave him a strange – and wonderful – feeling. He was rather disgusted at himself for even thinking about something like that right now, but he couldn't help himself.
"Daniel", he called, starting to feel uncomfortable.
"I'm here", the younger man replied, walking into the room at that moment. "I've got your clothes Sam. I hope I got the right stuff."
She looked up at the two men who were regarding her with such care and such – love – and wanted to cry again. This time not because of her loss, but because she was so lucky to have them. She knew Teal'c would have been here too, if they'd called him. "That's fine Daniel", she said as she looked through the bag. "I'll just change, if that's okay." The two men nodded and left the room.
Once settled she drank her juice and then lay back, pulling the covers up to her chin. She was so tired she was ready to drop, even though there was a core of hurt inside that was truly painful. "Thanks guys", she murmured, as they came back in after a soft knock.
"Anytime Sam – you know that. Sleep well okay", Daniel leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. He stood and gave Jack a smile and then left the room.
Jack sat down on the edge of the bed and again pushed her hair out of her face. "I'm here if you need me Sam", he told her. "Have a good sleep."
"Thank you Sir", she said softly, her eyes on his. "I'm – glad you were with me."
"Me too", he said, and then he too leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "Now rest. If you need anything – anything at all, call me, okay?"
She nodded, her eyes closing in spite of herself. "I will."
Jack watched her as she fell asleep. It only took a few short minutes before she was breathing deeply. He gave a quiet sigh of relief, and, with a small smile stood and left the room.
The sun was starting to come up and, as tired as he was, he didn't think he could sleep. He walked slowly down to the living room, to find Daniel sitting on the couch, his legs up on the coffee table.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"Fine. She'd sleeping."
"Good. What about you? You must be exhausted as well."
"I am. I'll hit the sack in a few minutes. I just - " he gave a lopsided smile. "I just need a few minutes."
Daniel looked carefully at his friend and wanted to wince. Jack appeared as if he'd aged ten years and had dark circles under wounded looking eyes. "Are you okay?"
"You asked me that already", Jack answered, his head leaning back against the back of the chair. "I will be fine – just tired."
"Can I do anything?"
Jack sat up and regarded his friend. God he was lucky to have this man in his life. "You already have Daniel", he told him. "Thanks for your help tonight."
"Like I said to Sam – anytime. Look, can I fix you some breakfast or something?"
"No – in fact, I think you should go home and get some sleep. I'm not hungry but I am tired. As soon as you leave I'll crash, don't worry."
"You're sure? I'm happy to stay."
"I know but – I'll be fine and I don't want you to have to sleep on the couch. I'll call you if I need anything, but I expect both of us will sleep. You can do one thing for me though."
"Of course. Anything."
"Call Hammond and tell him what happened. I – just don't feel up to talking to anyone right now. And you can also tell Janet and Teal'c."
"I will. You know Janet will want to come over?"
"Damn. Just tell her – I'll call when we're awake. Sam needs to sleep, not to deal with anyone until she's ready."
"Okay, I'll try, although it's hard to make Janet listen if she doesn't want to."
"I know", Jack sighed. "Now go home!"
Daniel stood and headed to the door, but turned around as he stepped up into the hallway. "Look after yourself Jack – and don't be afraid to show how you feel. You suffered a loss and you need to grieve – and Sam needs to know you're grieving. Don't try and be 'tough' for her – that's not what she needs."
Jack almost laughed – not from humor, but from recognizing how well this man knew him. "I won't", he promised. He knew Daniel was right – but he also knew himself and his tendency to push things down. He'd really have to resist doing that – for Sam's sake.
Once Daniel had gone he slowly made his way towards his backyard. For some reason he needed to smell fresh air, to be outside and see the new day dawning. As he stood on his deck, watching the sun rise and the day grow warmer, he took a deep breath. As he let it out the tears suddenly were released, trailing silently down his careworn face. He didn't try and stop them, didn't try and wipe them away. Instead he simply looked to the horizon and thought about another child that had died. Another piece of his heart had been lost – and he really wondered if he would be able to survive.