Hi – thank you for all the lovely reviews and comments. Again, I'm always blown away by people's personal stories – and I love it if and when my story touches someone. Thank you and I adore the feedback and all of you.
This chapter continues to explore the couple dealing with their feelings at this time of grief. FYI - I may write one or more usual characters in a way that may seem OCC for them. I am doing this very intentionally – and it is, in fact, based in my own experiences. One of the things that I discovered, when I lost a child of my own, is that often the people I expected would be the most helpful and supportive were not. Then, the ones I didn't expect to be supportive ended up being amazing. There were many of my friends and family who were wonderful – but there were some close friends who managed to say and do exactly the wrong things – which caused a lot of pain. So – this is my attempt to show a reality that is common in this situation. Please don't hate me! I do love all the characters, even if I may show their not so great side in this story. Thanks
He wasn't sure what it was that woke him up. He groaned slightly, feeling as if he was suffering from a hangover, or maybe it was just a particularly brutal mission. He groaned again and rolled over to look at the clock.
"What the –?" He squinted at the clock and then at the window. It couldn't be 11:30 am? But the sunlight peeking through the window confirmed that it was. It took another two or three seconds before it all came rushing back.
"Oh God", he pulled the covers back and jumped out of bed. Rushing to his own bedroom he again heard the noise that must have woken him in the first place. Sam was crying and it sounded as if her heart was breaking.
He didn't bother knocking, pretty sure that things like manners and protocol and being careful how he acted around his 2IC were all moot right now. She needed him, and that was that.
"Sam?" He hurried to the bed and sat on the side, his gut clenching when he saw how absolutely wretched she appeared. "Hey. Come here." He gently pulled her up so that she was leaning against his chest, her body still wracked with the wrenching sobs that had disturbed his sleep. "Hey", he said again, lightly rubbing her back.
"I'm sorry", she cried. "So sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for Sam."
"I didn't mean to wake you up", she sobbed. "I tried to be quiet."
"You don't need to be quiet. I'm here for you – I told you that."
"I can't seem to stop crying. I woke up and it all came rushing back and I knew – oh God Jack – I lost the baby!"
"I know, I know", he continued to try and soothe her, wondering what to do. How could he help her? How could he make things better? He instantly knew the answer to that. He couldn't. All he could do was be here for her and lo – care for her. "I'm here Sam and I'm not going anywhere. Feel free to cry as much as you want. My shoulder is completely waterproof and guaranteed to last through hundreds of crying sessions."
She giggled slightly at that and snuggled into him more firmly. "Did you sleep?" she asked finally. He was relieved that she seemed to be coming out of the paroxysms of grief.
"A bit", he told her. "I – had trouble falling asleep."
She lifted her head and looked at his face, trying to read what he wasn't saying. "Are you okay?"
He opened his mouth, planning on giving the standard O'Neill line of 'I'm fine'. Looking at her, at that moment, he knew it wouldn't be right or fair to lie to her. She didn't need him to be tough and invincible – that might work in battle, it didn't work in a situation like this. If he had learned anything from Charlie's death, and the resulting destruction of his marriage, it was that.
"Not really", he told her softly, leaning his forehead against hers. "I keep thinking about the baby and – it's hard."
She looked surprised at his answer, although he felt her clutch him even tighter. He could tell that it wasn't because she was looking for something from him, but rather she was trying to give comfort.
"I stood outside for a bit", he confessed, unable to look her in the eye. "I kept thinking – this shouldn't have happened. It's wrong – it just – doesn't make sense. And then I figured it was me."
"What?" she said, startled. "You? What do you mean?"
"I think – I don't know – maybe I'm cursed or something. I just keep thinking that maybe if it wasn't me – if the kid wasn't mine -" he shrugged, still not looking at her.
He felt a fist hit him – not terribly gently – in the shoulder. "What?" he glanced up quickly, surprised to see Carter looking – hell, she looked just like Jacob did when he was angry.
"Jack O'Neill! This is not your fault. Don't you dare believe that. This was horrible – yes, it was and I feel awful and so do you. That's normal. We're both grieving. But you had absolutely. Nothing. To. Do. With. Why. It. Happened. Do you understand me? You cannot take this on. The doctor explained that this is actually quite common with twin pregnancies. Hell, it's common with all pregnancies. A lot of women suffer miscarriages. We're just lucky that one of the babies has survived. We need to think about that and not spend time blaming ourselves."
Jack looked at her in awe. Here was one of the reasons he cared so much for this woman. As grief stricken as she was, she could still kick ass with the best of them. She was also able to see things clearly – even through a veil of sadness. "So, you don't blame yourself either I suppose?", he suddenly said. He knew when she looked down that he'd hit it right on. "I'll say exactly the same thing back to you Sam. You're right – this isn't my fault and it sure as hell isn't yours. It's nature – as shitty and awful as that is. Both of us need to remember that – and to focus on the child still with us."
After a moment she looked up and gave him a crooked smile. "We're a pair, aren't we Sir?"
"Yes", he smiled back at her, "although I'd appreciate you losing the 'Sir'." He looked down at his t-shirt and boxers and her in his bed in her pajamas. "Somehow it doesn't exactly – fit – right now."
He was worried that she'd instantly go all 'Air Force' on him and back away, concerned about regulations and appearances. Instead, she surprised him again by giggling. It wasn't her usual giggle – it still held too much sadness for that – but it was a start – and it sent a shaft of warmth through him.
"Okay – Jack", she answered. "You're right – those boxers", she glanced down ever so briefly, "just don't inspire a 'Sir'."
He glanced down and only then noticed that he was wearing the Homer Simpson boxer shorts that Cassie had given him for his birthday (actually, he suspected it was Janet who actually bought them). There was a picture of Homer with a big 'D'OH!" right at the crotch. "Right. I guess it doesn't say 'Colonel' anywhere on these?"
She giggled again and shook her head. "Probably not."
He looked at her carefully. "You're sure of that Carter?"
"Of course not – Jack. I didn't look that closely."
"Hmmph!" He sat for a moment, pleased they could have these brief few minutes of respite from the grief that had hit both of them. Although to be fair, he knew it was hardest on Sam. She was the one who had gone through not just the emotional trauma, but the physical as well. "You think you can go back to sleep?" He glanced at the sun coming in the window and wondered if he should suggest lunch. Still, they'd both slept for only a short time and Sam looked exhausted.
"I – don't know." Her eyes filled up again, and he pulled her back into his arms. "Shhh – it's okay. You want me to stay with you?" He felt her nod, even though she didn't say anything. "Okay – just give me a second and I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."
On the way out of the room he quickly grabbed a pair of sweats, figuring that it would be better than wearing his shorts to bed. He could feel her eyes on him as he left and wondered if this was a really good thing he was doing – or a really stupid one.
After taking a quick leak and pulling on his sweat pants, he returned to his bedroom. He could see Sam, again curled up, crying. He sighed – not from frustration, but from sorrow. God how he hated to see her in so much pain.
He pulled the covers back and climbed in. Then, refusing to think about anything other than the fact that they needed one another right now, he slid over to her and pulled her into his arms. "Go to sleep", he whispered. "I won't leave."
The next time he woke up it was to the ringing of the phone. Fortunately he'd remembered to unplug the one in the master bedroom, but he could hear it ringing downstairs. He glanced down at Sam, to see that she was deeply asleep. He waited until the phone stopped ringing, and started to drift off, when it rang again.
Damn! Who could be so insistent? He carefully pulled back the covers and got out of bed without waking Sam. With one last look at her, he headed out of his room and hurried downstairs to the kitchen.
"Hello", he barked into the phone. He glanced at the clock on the stove and saw that it was now 3 o'clock. They'd been asleep for over three hours since Sam had woken up.
"Colonel?"
"Doc? Hi – what's up?" He wasn't surprised that Frasier had called. In fact he was surprised that it had taken her so long. If there was anything in this world that was a given, it was that Janet would be there when any of her chicks were hurt.
"Colonel – I didn't hear from you and I was getting worried. How is Sam?"
"She's sleeping Doc. We didn't get home from the hospital until this morning."
"But how is she?"
"She's fine – well, not exactly fine. She's upset of course. It was pretty traumatic for her and she's recuperating. Physically she's alright. The doctor at the hospital has her on bed rest for the next few weeks – at least until she reaches her second trimester, she said. I guess the chances of miscarriage go down then."
"So the other baby is okay?"
"Yeah."
"Good." There was a short pause. "Why didn't you call me Colonel? I am her doctor."
"Sorry Janet. There really wasn't anything you could do. It all happened so quickly – she called me and I called an ambulance and we went to the hospital. The doctor there was great and – there really wasn't anything you could have done", he repeated.
"You called Daniel."
Whoa – Jack was taken aback at the fact that Janet was obviously upset over not having been called. He wasn't quite sure how to handle it. He didn't think he owed the woman an apology – it hadn't been a slight towards her – and he had had other, more important things to worry about. "Yeah – we needed a ride."
"Well next time – if something happens to Sam – you should call me." Before he had a chance to respond she had continued. "I'm on my way over. I want to check on her and see how she's doing."
"Wait a second Doc. She's sleeping right now and I think she really needs her -"
"Jack, I think I know what's best for my patients. I am the doctor here – not you. I'll be over in a few minutes." With that the phone clicked and he was left holding the receiver and listening to dead silence.
He slowly hung up, not quite sure what had just happened. He glanced again at the clock and sighed. Janet would be over shortly. Her house – if that's where she was coming from, and not the SGC, was only about ten minutes away. He wondered if he should shower and change and then decided against it. She knew what he looked like at his worst and this wasn't a social call.
As he headed back up to the master bedroom he frowned, thinking about the call with Janet. The more he thought about it the angrier he became. Neither of them needed to have a guilt trip laid on them. They'd dealt with things the best way they could. Janet didn't need to be at the hospital, and she didn't need to see Sam right now. The doctor had said the best thing for Carter was for her to sleep and rest. He knew how hard it was to get enough sleep when you were dealing with grief – and the last thing she needed – hell either of them needed was to be woken up to appease a doctor who felt slighted she hadn't been in the thick of things.
He turned around at that point and headed back downstairs. He was just going to have to head her off at the pass. As he waited for her to arrive, Jack briefly wondered what Daniel had said to Hammond. He'd have to give the general a call once he dealt with the doctor. As he sat down on his couch he heaved a deep sigh. All he really wanted to do was curl up again, with Sam, and not worry about anyone or anything else.
He heard her car pull into his driveway and ponderously made his way to the door. He opened it so she wouldn't ring and watched as she sailed past him, medical bag in tow.
"Where is she?" were the first words out of Janet's mouth. She turned towards the stairs and would have headed up without a thought if Jack hadn't reached out and gently taken her arm.
"Come into the living room Doc", he said softly, not wanting to disturb Sam.
"Jack, I need to see her."
He winced at how loud her voice was and felt himself growing angry again. He took a deep breath to calm down. "Not right at this second you don't. Come into the living room please."
There was a silent struggle for supremacy, but Janet finally nodded, dropped her bag on the stairs and turned and headed down towards the main room. Once in the living room she turned and looked at him, her arms crossed in front of her. "Okay – what?"
"What?" he asked, incredulity in his voice. "You march in, without a 'hello Jack, how are you, how is Sam', demand to see her – when she's finally gotten to sleep, and you say 'what. Janet", he pulled his hand through his hair, "sit down."
He could actually see her jaw clench, but after another silent battle she sat. "She's my patient Sir", she said. "I need to see her to make sure she's okay."
"She is okay – at least physically. What she needs now is rest – not to be poked and prodded. The doctor at the hospital gave us a list of all the things to watch out for. Don't you think I'm being careful to make sure she's alright? If there is any problem of course we'd call you but right now the best thing for her is to sleep."
Janet looked away – and he could tell that she knew she was being obstinate about this but was still unwilling to give in. "She's my patient", she said again.
"Actually – not this time Janet", he said gently but firmly. Her face swung to meet his, and he could see the red creep up on her neck.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean – she's going to see an OB/GYN to get her through this pregnancy. You may be her doctor for work – and when she's hurt on missions, etc. but this is something else entirely."
"You don't have the right to make that decision Colonel", she said angrily. "That's up to Sam, not you."
"Of course it is – but it's something we talked about at the hospital last night. We're going to check into an OB that's got security clearance. Actually, Sam was going to talk to you about it and get some suggestions." He said that mainly to appease her, although even that made him angry. He should not have to be worrying about Frasier right now. "Look Janet", he gave a sigh. "I know you care about her – and you feel it's your duty to look after her but really, she needs to sleep right now. Can't you wait until she wakes up? It's hard when you're grieving to rest – and she needs every bit she can get."
Jack could see the doctor side warring with the human side – the side that was hurt that her best friend hadn't turned to her in this crisis. He could understand that – he wasn't always proud of his reaction to things – but he'd hoped that she would put those feelings aside for Sam.
Finally however, she nodded. After a few seconds she seemed to really notice him for the first time. "How are you Colonel?" she frowned.
"Me? I'm okay. Still tired too I guess. We were up almost all night and then Sam woke up this morning."
"I see. Well, make sure you eat properly and get enough rest. You're not as young as you used to be."
Well, didn't he need that reminder right now? Taking a deep breath he stood. "Do you want a coffee or something Doc?"
"No – yes - but you shouldn't have one. I suggest just having some milk instead. And you know, don't you, that Sam shouldn't have caffeine? I wonder if it would be a good idea for her to stay at my place? I could look after her better there."
She obviously hadn't heard anything he'd said, so he shook his head. "I know about caffeine Janet – I have had a kid before. And I don't think it's a good idea for Sam to be at your place – not with Saeena there. That would be too stressful."
"What? Why? In fact, I think it might be a good idea. Why didn't I think of that before? They're both pregnant and could compare notes on things. I think it might be good for Saeena to get to know Sam. I mean, it is her child."
"Janet – I'm gonna make some coffee for you and have some – uh milk", he grimaced, pretty sure that wasn't actually going to happen. "Don't go worrying Sam about this now. She's not up to making any decisions."
"I know Colonel", Janet frowned at him. "That's why I think it would be good for me to make the arrangements and handle things."
He didn't say anymore, sure he was going to explode all over the good doctor. What the hell was wrong with her? This wasn't like Janet. She could be bossy and controlling – but it was usually only when she had someone as a patient after some alien related mission. Right now she was acting worse than his great aunt Ida who didn't like anyone to cross her.
He returned to the living room a few minutes later, a cup of steaming coffee in hand. Janet was sitting on the couch going through one of his fishing magazines. She glanced up and put it down as soon as he entered. "You should go to bed Jack", she said, looking at him closely.
"I will, as soon as you've seen Sam."
"But I don't need to you for that. Why don't you go crash and I'll go check on her. I won't wake her up if she's sleeping."
Before her phone call, and definitely before her visit, Jack would have happily agreed. He would have bet his life that he could trust Janet to do and say the right thing. Right now however, he was doubtful. There was something bugging her – and he was very afraid it would come out and hurt Sam. There was no way he was going to bed.
"No, that's okay. I'll wait with you until Sam is awake. She likes me to stick close. In fact", he suddenly stood up. "I promised I'd be there so I'm just going to go up and check on her. I'll let you know if she's awake."
Okay – he knew he'd just poured salt in whatever wounds Janet was nursing – but frankly he didn't care. He walked towards his bedroom but after only a few feet realized the doctor was following. He shrugged to himself. Maybe this was better anyway.
He peeked into the room and could see that Sam was restless. Unlike when he'd gotten up to answer the phone, she was no longer in a deep sleep and he was pretty sure she was going to wake up pretty soon. After just a few seconds he was proved right as her eyes opened and her face immediately turned to look for him. Before she had a chance to even register that he was gone, he'd walked up and sat down beside her.
"Hey sleepy head", he said softly. "There's someone here to see you."
"What? Who?" she frowned at him.
He nodded his head towards the doorway, where Janet was standing.
"Janet!"
"Hi Sam." Janet walked in with a smile – although she turned to Jack and gave him the 'I have this now you can leave' glare.
He ignored it. Unless and until Sam gave him that same look - or told him to go – he was sticking like a barnacle. He did stand up though, and backed away from the bed to allow Janet to approach.
"Janet", Sam said again, her eyes once again filling with tears. "It's good to see you."
Janet sat on the edge of the bed – Jack felt a moment's irritation – that was his spot – and leaned forward to give Sam a hug. "I'm sorry about this kiddo. How are you feeling?"
"Okay", Sam hiccupped. "I – I'm sore, but the doctor said I should be okay as long as I take it easy."
"She ordered bed rest?"
"Yes. She said it probably wasn't really needed but that it wouldn't hurt to be safe. She didn't think it had anything to do with my cervix or anything but that taking it easy would be good for me and the baby."
Janet was nodding at that, which made Jack feel relieved. The last thing he wanted – or Sam needed – was for the doctors to be at odds on her treatment.
"Sounds logical", she said, "although I don't expect it would matter much. Have you had something to eat?"
"No – I had a drink but I wasn't really hungry."
"Well, the Colonel can get you something. You need to keep your strength up Sam." Janet looked at her sternly. "You have to think about this baby now, and put your miscarriage behind you. You're lucky not to have lost both babies. A lot of women do – and if you'd only had the one you wouldn't be pregnant now at all. You need to think positively and count your blessings, not spend time thinking about the miscarriage. That's just not good for you or the baby."
Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. He glanced at Sam, to see a stricken look on her face. He wanted to go to her, but Janet was talking now about doing a check-up, not seeming to have the first iota of an idea that what she'd said had hurt Sam.
"So – Colonel, if you'd like to leave, I want to check Sam to make sure everything is okay."
"Do you have to Janet?" Sam again looked to be on the verge of tears. "I really – just want to sleep. I feel fine and I don't have a fever or any of the other symptoms they told me to watch for. I just -" she let out a soft sound like a whimper.
"I know honey", Janet said gently, "but I really do have to look."
"Why?" Jack stepped forward and stared at the doctor. "Why do you have to look? She told you everything is fine. I'm watching out for her. Why do you need to do this now? The hospital told us to check in a few days if everything went okay."
"Colonel! Are you questioning my authority?"
"Damn right I am. And what authority? Sam is on personal time right now – she's not on a mission." He looked down at the woman on the bed and wanted to curse. She was looking at them in horror, tears falling on her cheeks.
Crap! What was happening? Of all the people that Jack would have trusted to handle this sensitively, it was Janet Frasier. Instead, she was making things worse.
"Janet – can I talk to you for a moment?" he finally asked. "in the other room?"
He knew she wanted to fight him on this – to stand her ground – but to give her credit she looked down at Sam at that moment and seemed to realize what was happening. He could see the guilt on her face.
"Okay Colonel." She looked over at Sam and smiled. "I'm sorry Sam – the Colonel and I both care for you. Don't worry about us – just relax. I'll be back in a minute."
She followed him out into the hallway and opened her mouth to speak but he shook his head and nodded down the stairs. He watched as she practically marched down the hallway and into the living room, where she turned on him, battle lines drawn.
"What the hell was that about Colonel?" she started to rant. "How dare you interfere -"
"Stop right there!" he said softly, although he used his Colonel voice – something he'd very rarely ever done with Doc Frasier. It was the voice that said he'd had enough – don't screw with him unless you are prepared for the consequences. It stopped her cold.
"You come waltzing in here, pissed off because we didn't call you last night. You then say the most damned stupid thing ever to a woman grieving the loss of her child – you think she can just forget about it and go on because there's still another baby? What – you think it's like losing a key – you can simply replace it with another one and so everything is fine? She lost a child Janet – a baby died. Our baby died – and we're grieving and forgive me if we didn't think about sparing your feelings during this whole thing."
Janet was looking at him in shock, which for some perverse reason made him feel glad. She deserved this – and he needed to blast someone, all his anguish and rage spilling out on her.
"You don't need to examine her right now – that's simply your way of showing you're in charge – you're in control. Well this time, you're not. If you want to call and complain to Hammond then be my guest – but I will also tell him how you came here, rude and insensitive to what Sam – and yes, to what I – have been through. We needed your concern and understanding – not Janet the doctor, but Janet the friend – and I gotta say – I didn't see any evidence of that."
He took a deep breath and continued. "You will now go upstairs, tell Sam how very sorry you are about the loss of the baby, tell her you are here for her, and then tell her to rest. You will also tell her you will recommend a good OB if and when she is ready to hear that from you. After that you will say goodbye. You will then check with me before you coming prancing back over here with your 'holier than thou' attitude. If we need something, or there is a problem, we may contact you – or we may find another doctor. That is up to Sam. What you will not do, is preach at her, make her feel guilty, or discount her grief or feelings of loss. It is not harmful for the surviving baby that Sam is grieving. She's smart enough to look after herself and her child – but this happened less than 24 hours ago. For God's sake – give her some time."
He finally came to the end of his rant, suddenly feeling like he wanted to collapse. Janet was still staring at him, her face pale and her eyes huge. He didn't know how she was reacting to his words and frankly, at this moment, didn't care. He just needed to ensure she didn't hurt Sam again.
"Fine", she eventually whispered. "I'll tell her that and then leave. If you want me – or need me – you can call, otherwise you won't hear from me."
Great – so she was going to be pissy about this whole thing. Fine! He shrugged and watched as she turned and headed back upstairs. He followed quickly behind. He was going to make damned sure she did as he had told her.
"Sam – honey." Janet walked in the room with a smile. Jack stood in the doorway, watching closely. Janet was still rather pale, but at least she was making an effort.
"Is everything okay between you and the Colonel?" Sam asked, her voice quivering with emotion.
"It's just fine", Janet lied. "You know the Colonel and me. We're just both concerned about you. He pointed out I worry too much and that I need to let you rest." She smiled and patted Sam's hand. "So, that's what I'm going to do. Look Sam – I am really sorry about the miscarriage. It's a difficult thing and I know you feel bad. Just rest and eat properly and soon you'll be feeling better. If you need me – just call, okay? And if – uh – if you want an OB, I'll understand. I'll try and find someone good with clearance."
"Thanks Janet. Maybe in a few days I'll think about it. Right now I just –"
"That's okay. Just take it easy. Now", she stood up, "I should get going. Cassie and Saeena will be wanting supper."
Jack wanted to throw something at the doctor – why in hell did she have to mention the alien woman? He could see that it bothered Sam and knew he had to get rid of the doctor – before she upset Sam more, or before he killed her.
Janet said goodbye, grabbed her bag, and headed down the stairs. Jack gave a brief nod to Sam and then followed her. "Janet?"
"You don't need to say anything else Colonel. You've already said enough."
"Janet – I don't want us to be angry at one another. Both of us are concerned about Sam – let's put this behind us and just think about her, okay?"
Janet looked up at him, a set look on her face. "I'll think about it. Right now I have to go and see about my family. Don't forget to call the hospital if there are any problems. You're not a doctor and you might miss something." With that she opened the door and left – a small bundle of fury.
He groaned, rubbed his face, and thought briefly about that bottle of really good Scotch Teal'c had gotten him for his birthday. With a regretful sigh he turned and headed up the stairs. He needed to be clear headed for Sam.
"Everything okay?" he asked as he walked into the room. Sam was staring at the window, a sad and confused look on her face.
"What Janet said – about not, not spending time thinking about the miscarriage -"
Jack cursed softly and walked over to the bed. At first he sat and then thought – what the hell – and pulled himself up so he was again lying beside her. "Com'ere", he pulled her over. "Ignore what Janet said", he told her. "That was a pure load of crap and she was wrong. You absolutely need to spend time thinking about the baby you – we – lost. It was a tiny human being whose life was cut short and it deserves to be remembered and to be grieved over. And don't think that it's harmful for the second baby. It's love Sam – it's about the love you had for our child. That can't be harmful. Just let yourself cry and feel sad – or feel angry or whatever you need to feel and don't let anyone tell you differently. They're your feelings and they can't be wrong or bad, they just are."
She sniffed and burrowed into him. After a few seconds he heard her voice and felt her lips move against his chest. "Thank you", she said. "I love you so much."
A few more seconds and he could feel her breathing deeply as she dropped into sleep. As for him – he wasn't sure if he could breath. His chest felt like something had stomped on it – something he thought might be really, really good.