A/N: I'm back, and more fiery than ever! God, I can't believe I once thought it'd be possible, even plausible, to update once a month. As always, THANK YOU for your support and patience! The majority of my focus when it comes to writing these days is going towards a YA novel I've been working on for a very long time now; fanfic just comes in between, I'm sorry to say. But my birthday is in a couple days, and I thought what better way to celebrate than give you all a gift? LD will be completed, it'll just take a while. Next chapter is the last summer chap, though! This one is, well, smoochy.

Chapter Seventeen: Smolder (Summer - part 7)

He doesn't see Rin at the rec center on Sunday, not one glimpse of him all morning. The bleachers, once the parents have whisked away their children, are empty – and Haruka stays an extra lesson to make sure. Zaki is the last to leave; she say something to him, something concerned, maybe, but Haruka brushes it off with a wave of his hand. Then it is just him and the pool, the last ripples stilling, the gutters growing quieter.

Rin is not one to make himself difficult to find when he wants to be found, which means Rin did not come today. Or at the very least, he is avoiding being here when Haruka is.

The train ride home is a wearying cycle of emotions, a different one with each lurch or bump in the track. Sad, to helpless, to angry, back to sad again, taking him all the way home. Or, not quite home.

When Makoto answers the door, the first thing he says to Haruka, little creases of apology forming on his forehead, is, "Rin isn't coming over today." He says something else, something concerned just like Zaki, but like with Zaki, Haruka waves it off and leaves.

Things cycle back to anger again. He thought they left avoidance behind them in the spring, but no, apparently they are still playing the same petulant game.

Guilt blooms from the pit of his stomach like an ink spill. He hates thinking so disparagingly of Rin, when the Rin in his mind's eye is smiling and sweet. And worried. And out of his depth because he's trying to deal with Haruka, who doesn't even know how to deal with himself.

I'll talk to him, Haruka promises himself. Tomorrow.

So of course tomorrow comes too quickly. Not even six hours into it Haruka is awake and the sky is lightening, trying to push its way around the corners of his curtains. It is still and quiet in his room, and far away he can just make out the ocean sighing. Just a Monday morning.

If he was still in school, he'd be leaving with Makoto soon. Now he has the option of lying in bed all day in the half-light, letting the dust settle imperceptibly over his skin, letting the world go by while he keeps nothingness for company.

He eventually rolls over. His phone lies beside his pillow, no indicator light flashing. No messages from Rin, which means things really do rest on his shoulders now. A reason to get up, then. A daunting reason, but if he throws his legs out of bed, and gets dressed, and walks out the front door, all without stopping to think too hard, then he can make it to the station and onto the train, and before he knows it he will be getting off at Rin's stop.

Except he is twenty minutes early for the train, and every single one of those minutes is a battle with himself not turn tail and go straight back home. He shifts his weight from foot to foot, containing his momentum to those small motions. The clouds are thin and wispy, tinted the last shades of dawn and caught in a breeze that floats them on by with taunting speed. Finally Haruka is on his way, tracks rattling beneath him and world blurring by through the window.

He only realizes the flaw in his plan when he is traveling on his own two feet again, footfalls quiet on the asphalt of an even quieter road. So many of the windows all around are still dark. It's too early to ring on Rin's doorbell.

He stops at the front step, takes out his phone, and texts: Are you home?

The seconds feel like minutes, and then are minutes. He sits and waits for the door behind him to open. He doesn't know which would be more embarrassing – Rin or Mrs. Matsuoka stumbling upon him. The breeze pricks against his arms, cool whereas before it was just a sensation with no temperate. The ocean is much closer; its sighs sound exasperated. Haruka feels even more intrusive, and wonders if he should leave.

As it so happens, he doesn't have to wait for the door at all. Rin jogs around the corner just then, a flash of red hair and a bright yellow tracksuit against shadowed walls. Haruka can tell exactly when Rin notices him – Rin's head lifts, his strides slow, he looks surprised even though Haruka cannot even make out his face.

The seconds feel like minutes again, as Rin approaches at a walk. Haruka wonders if Rin is really so reluctant to see him.

"Did you get my message?" he asks once Rin has reached him. The awkwardness is like a chokehold; he feels himself forcing the words out. It does not help that he is still sitting on the step, and Rin remains standing before him.

"I left my phone inside." Rin's hands are in the pockets of his thin runner's jacket. Haruka wonders how long he's been awake – his cheeks are flushed and his hair wind-blown as though he's been running for a while.

"It's fine. I was just asking if you were here."

"Well, I am now."

Something expectant hangs in the air. Rin looks squarely at him, patient and nothing else. I missed you, Haruka wants to say, is reluctant to say.

"Can we talk?"

Rin doesn't smile. "Yeah, we should."

Haruka follows him through some alleys, a shortcut to the beach. The smell of the sea clings to the walls, damp and salty and fresh in the shadows. Rin walks with his hands still in his pockets, his attention ahead and not behind. He doesn't offer up conversation. When they reach the beach he leads them to a nondescript spot in the sand, where they sit. Low tide offers more of its sighs.

Finally, Haruka cannot take the silence any longer. "I'm sorry," he says. It is woefully inadequate, so he's startled when Rin says, "Me too."

He'd been staring hard at the water, afraid to see anything he wouldn't like on Rin's face, but now he looks over. Concentration pulls Rin's lips down into a frown. Maybe Rin had been trying to find the right thing to say this whole time, too.

Slowly, and with a great deal of difficulty, Haruka says, "I'm sorry for giving you wrong impressions, and I'm sorry if I made you think that I'm….scared…" He still doesn't like the taste or weight of the word in his mouth. He makes a vague motion with his hand, meant to encompass the both of them and who knows what else "…of this. It's…I'm not…" Rin's eyes are on the sand; the early light makes his skin glow golden. Haruka doubles up his courage and plows on. "I'm not afraid of this, or of you, it's just…this in general…maybe I am scared because I don't know what to do but it's not…" He expels a helpless breath of air and gives up.

Rin nods. "I know. Honestly, I get it. I really do."

Haruka swallows. He looks away, out at the ocean again. "I like you," he says, before he can coach himself out of it. A beat of panic follows the words, or maybe it's a burst of adrenaline, the thrill of voicing something he's guarded so close.

"I know," Rin says, but his voice is oddly void. "I already knew."

Haruka glances at him, and Rin still doesn't look back.

He knows he likes Rin, he knows it's a lot, but he doesn't know how much. He doesn't know how to explain it to put Rin at ease. Rin is attractive. Rin is gorgeous. Rin makes him feel light. Rin works so hard and smiles so bright. Rin likes making people laugh and pretending to be offended when people laugh at him. Does that make Rin cute? Haruka's chest fills with a nervous heat. Probably. When Rin touches him, he feels like Rin has so much more to give and he wants to find out what all of that is.

How can he say all of this without sounding absurd? Rin is Rin. Why can't he just say that and have it be enough?

"I don't want to give up," he says. "Even if we fight, I don't want to give up on this. I'm happy when I'm with you."

"Except when you're not," Rin says, but there is a little laugh there. Sardonic or not, it's the first good sign. "Haru, I've liked you for so long. I'm not just going to give up on this right away."

"I think I'm scared that I won't live up to your expectations, and you'll just be disappointed because I'm a lot more boring and difficult than you thought I would be." It is a definite relief to get those words out. Haruka hadn't even realized he'd been harboring them until they'd found their way into the air between them.

"You aren't boring," Rin says.

"Am I difficult?"

"Well, yeah, but that's just you." Rin turns a small smile on him, finally. "I'm kidding."

"No you're not."

"No, you're right. I'm not. But I like that part of you."

"Except for when you don't."

Rin's smile is full-blown now. Haruka's is as well, which surprises him. He reaches over and takes Rin's hand, clumsily works their fingers together. Rin grips back, his smile nearly too bright to look at. Haruka doesn't understand how they went from silence to this, has absolutely no idea what he did right, but it is wonderful to smile and he doesn't want to let that feeling go.

"I already knew you liked me," Rin says. "I shouldn't demand you to tell me things if I already know how you feel. I don't need everything in words. I just need to keep telling myself that. To trust you, and to trust how I feel."

"I'll still get better with words, though."

Rin's smile falters, a moment of hesitation. "I like you," he says, voice going soft.

This time, Haruka knows how to answer.

"I like you too."

Rin lets out an elated "Hah!" and falls backward into the sand. "I think we'll be fine, Haru."

Their hands are still linked, and Haruka thinks so too.

Tuesday is a regular day at the office – manning the front desk, cleaning out conference rooms, sweeping up the gym. Except it is a better-than-usual day at the office, because he and Rin are okay again. He smiles at every visitor in the halls, enjoys watching the cars go by in the narrow sliver of the parking lot he can see through the front doors. It's hard to believe he was ever so gloomy about things, when setting them right was so easy.

Things are so okay that when Haruka turns the corner after vacuuming conference room 5B and sees Rin leaning against the front desk waiting for him, the butterflies flutter so strongly in his chest they almost bowl him over.

"I'm not off for another ten minutes," he says, trying to sound calm when he slips behind the desk. He finds a note from Kaji-san set atop a stack of papers – 'Can you double check these numbers against what we have on file?'

"I know," Rin says, folding his arms on top of the counter and leaning in. A grin toys at the corners of his mouth. "I just wanted to say hi."

"Are you done training?" Haruka asks. He pushes the papers aside for later, folds his arms, and leans forward as well, trying not to let Rin's smile cajole him into giving one of his own.

"For now," Rin says. "Did you leave your phone at home? Rei says you aren't replying to his birthday text."

Haruka's eyes go wide. "I forgot."

"Forgot your phone, or that it was your birthday?"

"Shut up," Haruka grumbles, because Rin has buried his face in his arms to quiet his sniggers.

"What's that?" Kaji-san says loudly, appearing beside Rin with another stack of paperwork. Rin jumps. "Nanase, it's your birthday? Why didn't you say so? C'mon, get outta here, have some fun!"

Before he has fully realized what is going on, Haruka finds himself shooed out front, Rin at his side. Rin laughs hard at the look on his face, and then gives the back of his hand a tap. "C'mon, let's go."

"Where are we going?" Haruka asks.

"You'll see."

"You planned something for me, didn't you?"

"Of course not," Rin says, but his ears betray him, glowing red. His smile betrays him, too.

They ride the train with their knees touching. Once the woman across the way gets off, Rin takes Haruka's hand, runs the pads of his fingers along the domes of Haruka's fingernails, feels each knuckle beneath his fingertips like they are something wonderful. Haruka turns his face away, bites down on his smile.

When they are in front of Haruka's front door, Rin says into his ear, "Just pretend to be surprised at least, okay?" before giving his hand one last squeeze.

Haruka prepares for the worst, prepares for the best. He opens the door.

Confetti flies in his face, along with balloons and streamers, and a whole lot of noise. He stumbles back, almost slips off of the step but Rin catches him around the waist, props him back up again.

Makoto's voice rise over the flurry: "Nagisa! That's enough!" And then Nagisa crows, from beyond the balloon that hits Haruka in the face, "Happy birthday, Haru-chan!"

Nagisa and Makoto stand in the entranceway, party hats on their heads, a mess of colored confetti settling to the floor before them. Haruka blinks at them, overwhelmed, and then he looks over at Rin.

"I was surprised."

They all laugh. Rin slings an arm over his shoulders and corrals him inside.

There is a cake that is much too large – triple-decker with bright blue icing, which Nagisa and Makoto bought on the way over – and no presents because, according to Makoto, "We knew you wouldn't want any." Haruka tells them that they are more than enough, which is Nagisa's cue to wax poetic about friendship, and then slam Haruka's face into the cake. It's been too long since they've been able to spend time together.

"Mako-chan was soooo nervous, but I told him everybody's gotta cut class at least once in their life, right? I mean, seriously, there's perfect attendance and there's perfect attendance and it's not like…"

The sugar has made Nagisa hyper; his mouth runs away from him, from them all. No matter, as the rest of them are also full of cake, full of laughter. Haruka is still finding dried bits of icing in his hair, and no matter what he does he cannot get the smell of sugar out of his nostrils. Earlier, when nobody else was looking, Rin had swiped a bit of icing from Haruka's cheek and sucked it off his finger, and Haruka is still trying to shake that memory from his brain.

"I had to pass by my own house to get here!" Makoto is saying. "Do you know how dangerous that was? My mom might have seen me and I won't know until I get home and she's ready to gut me!"

"Tell her it was for Haru's birthday, she'd forgive that," Rin says, oblivious to the thin smudge of blue on his own chin.

They talk more and laugh more, and Nagisa eats more cake while they slouch in front of the TV. Nagisa has Rei's school schedule down pat, so they call him during one of the ten minute gaps between his classes. They hear him breathing hard in his rush to get from one end of his campus to the other, but he still makes sure to fill every minute with conversation, finishing up when he reaches his classroom with: "Haruka-senpai, if you're running up and down those concrete steps every morning, might I suggest shock-absorbing insoles to ease the impact on your knees?"

Afterwards they find a TV movie, a cheap suspense flick that gives them even more to laugh at. Sitting against the table, cushions stuffed behind their backs, Haruka feels bone-deep contentment. Sitting next to Rin, their shoulders leaning together, he feels something stirring inside of him. A secret thrill, because nobody knows, or at least they probably don't know, what he and Rin really are.

Rin's arm rests on the table behind him. Well into the movie, long after he has stopped offering up his commentary, Rin shifts. His fingers touch the back of Haruka's neck, then run through the hair on his nape, quick and gentle. Just as quickly, Rin's hand is back on the table, though he leans just a little more weight against Haruka.

It takes several minutes for Haruka's pulse to slow back down.

Nagisa and Makoto leave first, because they both have parents to convince that they were in school. Haruka makes them take the rest of the cake between them, tells them they can think up explanations for it on their own (he knows the twins will be delighted).

When they are gone, it leaves him and Rin and the dishes to wash. There is such an ease to everything, such contentment in rubbing a sponge over each plate, in watching the suds rush down the drain. It's funny, that as someone who has never considered himself good with people or noise or energy, he always feels the most relaxed after the commotion of being with the people he cares for the most.

Rin comes up behind him, rests his chin on his shoulder. It's a familiar position, without the tension from last time.

"Thank you," Haruka says.

"Hm?"

It is a warm, satisfied sound. Haruka feels the vibration of it against his shoulder.

"You planned this, didn't you? Thank you."

"You're welcome," Rin says, looping his arms around Haruka's waist.

Haruka relaxes into it, pleased when Rin's arms tighten a bit. It is both casual and intimate, one of the many wonders of being with Rin. Today Rin smells faintly of chlorine, not of chemical ocean, but Haruka thinks he likes this better.

"It was…I had a good birthday. And I'm glad that you planned a party for me. I mean, not that you did something, but that you wanted to." Haruka's tongue feels awkward, as it always does when he tries for too many words at once. He sighs, sets the plate into the sink. "I wish I could say these things. I want to know how to say these things to you. How happy you make me, and things like that."

Rin turns his face into Haruka's neck. "You just did."

Haruka starts to turn around, and Rin's arms loosen enough to let him. Rin's eyebrows are up slightly; he is ready to let go. But Haruka is feeling deliciously fluttery, and kisses him instead.

It was the right decision. Rin melts, and Haruka melts against him. It amazes him that there are moments that are still this easy.

Rin takes hold of his face, brushes his thumbs over Haruka's cheeks. When Haruka pulls back, Rin smiles at him, so full of happiness.

"I already know it all," Rin says.

Haruka feels helpless, rooted to the spot, rooted to the affection in Rin's eyes, the care in Rin's palms cupping his face. It is a helplessness that he wants to feel more of, wants to be consumed by more fully. His stomach twist in emptiness and anticipation. He loops his arms around Rin's neck, pulls Rin's face back to his, and kisses him once more.

The relief is sudden. The neediness sated, the twist in his stomach gone. He shuts his eyes and it's like he's floating.

He wants Rin, helplessly, so much. Infatuated, his mind supplies, and he can neither deny nor confirm it. Rin's mouth closes around his lower lip and he feels his entire stomach lurch, a bolt of adrenaline more jarring than anything he's known.

Abruptly, Rin takes his shoulders and pushes him back. There is a moment where Haruka's brain hasn't caught up yet – he blinks open his eyes and stares at Rin, and Rin stares back looking just as stunned. And then Rin starts to stutter over something.

"Before, we, um, if –" Rin licks his lips, swallows audibly. "I mean that, if, you and me…"

Feeling thick-witted, Haruka says, "Huh?"

Rin blurts too loudly, fingers digging into Haruka's arms, "I think we should talk about some stuff first, before, um, we keep going."

"Stuff like what?" Haruka says, head still spinning.

Rin's face glows. His eyes flit to the side. "Stuff like boundaries. And what you're comfortable with. What we're both comfortable with. And, um, we should probably bring up…s-sex." He claps his hands over his face. "God, I can't believe I stuttered."

Out of nowhere, Haruka is hit with a burst of hilarity. He snorts, and Rin parts his fingers to look at him.

"What?"

"I don't know," Haruka says, and he really doesn't. Maybe he's just left his brain behind entirely.

Rin lowers his hands, some of the fire draining from his face. "You're such a weirdo. But really, what I said…we probably should discuss it. Not for now," he says quickly. "Just like, for…if…sometime in the future and not now, it's a thing that becomes, you know. You know what I'm saying, right? God, this is so embarrassing."

Haruka can tell that Rin is being serious, and knows he should be also. He understands the implications of what Rin wants to talk about – understands in the sense that he's not thinking of it head on, because if he did he'd be hit with the same mortification as Rin, so he's just touching it from the sides, letting himself understand without letting himself understand too closely.

As sincerely as he can, he says, "Do you want to have sex, Rin?"

Rin splutters, seems to choke on his tongue. After a coughing fit, he says defensively, "Well, generally speaking, so what if I do?"

"That's fine. I was just asking."

"Okay, well, I just answered."

"Do you want to have sex with me?"

"Haru, shut up! God!" Rin covers his face again. "How the fuck can you say that with a straight face!"

"You were the one who started the conversation. I'm taking it seriously."

"Stop smiling. You're making this worse."

"You aren't even looking at me. You don't know if I'm smiling."

"I can hear it, smartass."

It's true, Haruka's smile has worked its way back onto his face. Again, he tempers it.

"Rin…" This is something he does have to know, though he probably already does. He needs to have it confirmed. "Do you want to have sex with me? Not now, but sometime?"

Rin looks at him over the tops of his fingers and croaks, "Yeah."

Haruka's stomach disappears for a moment. He doesn't know if the feeling is good or bad.

"Okay," he says. "I…don't know."

"That's fine."

"I just haven't thought about it much."

"That's fine. You don't have to. Just, you know, forget it for now." Rin casts his eyes down. "I don't want to rush you, even if it's just thinking. I just thought, you know, break's almost over and there's a lot of important stuff we haven't talked about yet."

"It's probably good that you brought it up," Haruka says. He takes Rin's fingers and gives them a squeeze, hoping he's getting the hang of this comfort thing. He sees Rin smile, so he thinks he must. "I'm sorry I don't have anything more to say about it right now."

"Haru." Rin lets out a quiet laugh, shakes his head. He tugs Haruka close, squeezes Haruka tight. "I can't believe you're my boyfriend."

Haruka laughs just as quietly. He can't believe it either. Cannot fathom how he ever became so lucky.

Six days. Rin has less than a week left. Six days only. Five, not counting Monday, because he leaves in the early morning. Four, not counting today, because today is already halfway over. It feels like yesterday – Haruka's birthday – was days away already. Time is slipping through his fingers.

Rin sits at the low table in the living room, cheek on his fist and eyes on his school book. His reading glasses slip down his nose, and again and again he thumbs them back up. Haruka has been watching him instead of working on his lesson plan, and Rin has been too immersed to notice. Haruka likes the glasses a lot. They make Rin look attractive in a way that doesn't make sense, just some pieces of plastic on his face.

"Are you hungry?" Haruka asks.

Without removing his eyes from the book or relaxing the furrow of concentration on his brow, Rin says, "No, I'm fine."

"Are you thirsty?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Are you bored?"

Rin glances at him. "Are you?"

"No."

Rin starts grinning. He sets his pen in his book and leans across the table. "Yeah you are. You just don't wanna admit you're trying to distract me."

"I'm not. I was just wondering."

"Haru…" A teasing glint goes into Rin's eyes. He sets his glasses down. "If you distract me, I won't get my homework done in time. Do you really want me to fail?"

"You won't. You're too smart."

"You think so?" Rin says, looking pleased. He shuffles around the table on his knees, stops in front of Haruka. "Well then, if I'm so smart and studying is so unnecessary, what else is there to do?"

Haruka can think of something, and thinks he has gotten very shameless in a very short amount of time. Rin grins, no doubt sharing his thought, and leans down to kiss him.

They smile against each other's mouths, laughter coming out of their noses. And then their smiles relax away. Rin shuffles even closer, takes Haruka's face in his hands; Haruka has to prop a hand against the ground and crane his neck back, but it is not uncomfortable. He feels things shifting between them again, feels it in the way Rin hums deep in his throat, feels it in the way he opens his mouth under Rin's, greedy for more.

Rin touches his sides but quickly pulls his hands back. Haruka grabs one of them, presses it to his chest. He hardly hears his own voice as he says, "It's okay, touch me."

Rin does, deliberately. His hand skim up to Haruka's shoulder, squeezes. His fingers splay generously against Haruka's neck, slip beneath the collar of Haruka's shirt. Today, Haruka learns the feeling of Rin's tongue against his own – kisses that smolder through him like cast aside inhibitions, that say what they are too clumsy with words to. The thrill builds, teetering on the edge of tipping into too much.

He turns his face away, ears hot, neck burning. He pushes against Rin's shoulders – not hard, but enough for Rin to understand and sit back on his heels.

"Sorry," Haruka says, his voice cracking halfway through.

A little bit breathlessly, Rin says, "It's fine."

Haruka glances at him, and looks away when he sees the dazed want there. Rin's lips are dark, puffy; his eyes are out of focus.

Haruka admits, "I'm scared that you're going to get tired of me being scared."

"Haru…" Rin reaches out, but flinches before his fingers can touch Haruka's face.

"It's okay," Haruka says, tipping his chin up.

Rin touches his cheek, thumbs away a bit of saliva at the corner of his mouth – maybe they hadn't been the neatest.

"I just like being around you," Rin says. "Whatever you're okay with, I'm happy with too."

There is so much unfettered sincerity in his expression that Haruka wants to say Kiss me again, but he knows the time for it has passed. They mustn't get ahead of themselves. One step at a time, one foot before the other.

Rin pulls his book around and sits cross-legged beside him. He nudges Haruka's knee. "Finish your lesson plan before I finish these two chapters, and I'll go running with you afterwards."

And so Haruka pulls his notebook closer, picks up his pen. He's distracted by Rin's chlorine smell, distracted by the swish of each page turning. He looks from the corner of his eye at all those tiny English words Rin takes in. An athlete and an academic, opening the world up before him.

Rin could go on forever, but for Haruka, what comes after this summer?

Rin glances over, and frowns when he finds Haruka watching him. "Hey, what's wrong?"

I like you so much, Haruka thinks. You're amazing. You're so bright. Am I bright enough?

"Nothing," he says. "I'm bored."

Rin takes his hand and laces their fingers together, then returns to his reading.

Six days, five days, four days, and then Rin is gone back to America, back to forging his path, full steam ahead. Haruka misses him already, and wonders when he became so hopeless. He can't miss Rin yet, not when Rin is still here, hand gripping his beneath the table.

They still have four days.