He shouldn't have been surprised, he should have known it was going to happen. In fact, if anything it took longer than he would have expected.
Things had been great – wonderful and he'd been lulled into a false sense that things were going to be fine. But really, he knew that things didn't tend to 'be fine' in his life. Nope. If he could screw things up – at least as far as his personal life – he would.
All he had to do was look at his past. He'd had it all, a beautiful wife, a wonderful son – and then one tiny bit of carelessness on his part – a brief moment of forgetfulness, of putting things off, had meant the end of that life. Yup – he'd lost his son and his marriage and his sense that he was a lucky man all because he didn't realize that the gods would punish anyone who was too happy.
And it had happened again. He shook his head. Why hadn't he known better? Why had he let himself become complacent? Why had he – no – he knew why. It was because he'd hoped so damn much.
He sighed and rubbed his nose with his finger and looked again at the bed – his bed – where she'd been staying for the last few weeks. She'd taken off the sheets and placed them in the hamper and straightened everything else out. Even the comforter was folded, for gods sake! Leave it to Carter to leave everything clean and organized, even after telling him to go to hell.
And hadn't that been fun? He thought back to that moment when he'd walked into her room, thinking that things were still good. He'd been happy – he remembered even having a grin on his face when he went to tell her about the neighbor's boy, who'd just come home with the cutest puppy. He'd immediately run over to 'Colonel Jack's' to show him his dog, proud and as excited as could be.
It had actually taken him a few minutes before he'd realized that Sam was dressed and sitting on the side of the bed. When he had he'd simply tilted his head and raised his brows, wondering why she was out of bed. The next few minutes had driven the grin off his face and his heart to his shoes.
"I'm leaving Jack", she'd said softly. "Doctor Edgar was by and she said I should be fine now. I'm at fourteen weeks and the baby is doing fine. She said the chances of a miscarriage at this point are slim."
He'd frowned at her – not because of what the doctor had said, but because of her first statement. "Why are you leaving?" He'd cut right to the chase.
"Uh – because I'm not on bed rest anymore", she answered, sounding puzzled.
"Okay – I mean, that's good, I'm glad – but that doesn't mean you have to leave. Where are you planning on going anyway?"
"To my house", she answered. "Where else would I go?"
He'd been tempted to say something sarcastic but stopped himself in time. He knew it was because he was feeling slightly panicked and his habit was to resort to sarcasm when he was unsure or afraid. He also knew that now was not the time to do that to Sam. "Uh – nowhere I guess. But look, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone. You can still stay here."
She grimaced slightly – which immediately shifted his mood from concern to irritation. Great – the thought of staying with him was clearly something she didn't want. Still, she had to think about the baby. "I don't think that would be a good idea Sir", she answered. "I'd be hap – ur – better off at home."
She'd be happier, would she? Well hell – this wasn't about her. "What about the baby?"
She frowned again. "The baby? What about it?"
"I don't suppose it knows about being 'happy'", he said, "but it would be safer if you stayed here. This isn't about you Sam – at least – not totally. You have to think about it."
There weren't many times, in the years he'd known Carter, when he'd seen her really angry. He realized, in a short second, that he was going to get that chance right now. That was fine, he said to himself. He was fighting for his child and if that pissed her off then so be it!
"I do think about it Jack! All the time. And why would me going home be bad for the baby? Do you think I need you to wait on me for it to be okay?" She took a short breath – but not long enough for him to speak. "And how dare you suggest that I would do something to harm my child", she told him, her voice rising. I've stayed on my damned back for weeks to make sure this child is okay – so don't you imply that I'm doing something to hurt it. I would never -"
"It's my child too", he finally interrupted, angry that she'd referred to it as hers. "Just because you're carrying it for a few months doesn't make it your property", he shouted. "I should be able to have some say in how you look after it!"
"You don't have any say in what I do or don't do", she yelled back. "If I want to go home I can go home – and you have no right to try and stop me!"
"I have every right", he took a step towards her, his words clipped tightly and his hands clenched. "You're being damned selfish!"
"Selfish? Who's being selfish here? I simply want to go back to my own house after being trapped here for weeks. I want some privacy. I don't want to have you wander into my room at any time of the day or night, or have to listen to your damn stories all day and, and have to eat your food and, and -" she stopped and took a breath, seemingly unable to continue.
He would never let on – of course he wouldn't – but her words stabbed sharply. He'd loved having her here – had thought they were getting closer – and instead she'd simply tolerated him because she'd have to. He swallowed tightly, knowing there really was nothing he could do. Instead he gave a sharp nod. "Fine – how are you getting home?"
"I called Daniel", she told him softly. She licked her lips and looked as if she wanted to say something more but before she had a chance Jack spoke.
"Fine. Take care of yourself Carter. I'm sorry about wandering into your room and – everything else. I'll see ya." With that he turned and left her room. He thought he heard her call his name, but didn't think he could take anymore. Instead he quickly made his way downstairs and out to his truck. He'd leave until after he was sure she was gone.
He'd ended up going to the cemetery – the one place he could always find peace and clarity. That hadn't happened today. Instead, seeing his son's gravestone simply brought back too many 'what ifs'. It made him realize just how lonely and lost he really was.
Eventually he headed home, sure that Sam would be gone by now. It was almost dark and he dreaded the thought of opening the door into a cold and dark house. Cold – not because of the temperature – but because he'd lost the light that was Sam Carter. She'd brought warmth to his house – something that had been missing in his life for many years.
He'd slowly made his way to her room – or now it was his room again – and stood leaning in the doorway. She really was gone. After a few minutes he sighed and made his way to the spare room. He was pretty sure it would be a long time before he could sleep in the master suite again.
It was when Sam had heard Jack's truck engine start and heard him drive away that the tears came. What was wrong with her? Why had she said those things to him? She hadn't meant them – not at all. She'd loved being here with him. She couldn't remember being happier in a long time – if ever. So why had she implied – she stopped and gave a bitter laugh – implied? She'd done more than that – she'd stated it pretty directly. She'd told him she hadn't liked it here – had resented him. Why?
If she was being honest with herself she knew why. It was because she was afraid. When the doctor had told her she was off bed rest her first reaction had been one of disappointment. It meant things would have to change. She'd been living in a strange reality these last few weeks – and now thing would have to go back to the way they were.
Well, not quite the way they were. She was still carrying Jack's baby. But she could no longer expect him to look after her. She had to re-establish her independence, let him get back to work. She'd hated the thought, but knew there was little else she could do.
She shouldn't have been surprised at his reaction. If there was anything that was true of Jack O'Neill, it was that he was a care-giver. He felt his friendships and his responsibilities deeply and he wouldn't feel comfortable with her on her own.
She should have shown her appreciation and talked to him about it rather than simply throwing it at him. She'd sounded so ungrateful – and she really wasn't. Then, of course, he'd gotten mad, which had made her mad – and things had been said which were hurtful and untrue.
She sighed. She'd have to apologize, tell him she hadn't meant it. But would he believe her? She could still see his face when she'd said those horrible things to him. He'd been hurt, there was no doubt. Oh, he'd quickly covered it up – he wasn't the type to allow his feelings like that to show. But he'd definitely been hurt.
"Damn, damn, damn!" she cried. She then stood up and began packing up all her things. She glanced around the room at all the stuff Jack had brought to entertain her – and began to cry again. "How could you have been so stupid?" she asked herself. What had she done?
"You okay Sam?" Daniel glanced sideways at her as he drove her home. She'd been quiet and subdued when he'd arrived, and he'd been surprised Jack wasn't there. He hadn't said anything though – not wanting to stick his big feet into what was a very trying situation for his friends. Seeing Sam so lost finally caused him to open his mouth.
"I'm fine", she answered softly.
He sighed and – with a quick glance ahead – turned the car down a small lane.
"Where are we going?" she asked, her forehead crinkled into a question.
"Here", he answered as he pulled to a stop in the parking lot of a small park. He turned the car off and turned to her. "Okay – the truth. What's wrong?"
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I was really stupid Daniel."
"You? Stupid? Okay – I somehow doubt it but tell me why you think that."
"I got into a fight with Jack and said some really hurtful things to him."
This time Daniel frowned. "A fight? Can I ask about what?"
"I told him I was going home and he got mad and said I couldn't. That made me mad and I told him I was looking forward to being away from him. I basically told him I'd hated being at his house."
The silence from Daniel told her that what she'd said really had been as bad as she'd thought. She glanced at her friend, to catch a worried expression on his face. "I told you – I was stupid."
"Mmmm", Daniel replied. "What did Jack say to that?"
"Nothing – he just asked how I was getting home and then he left."
"Left?"
"Yeah – got in his truck and left."
"Hell – you guys really do know how to mess things up, don't you", he muttered wearily. "So – you're telling me that you just announced, right out of the blue, that you were going home?"
"Yeah", she murmured, unable to look him in the eye.
"Okay – I believe you", he answered, shaking his head.
"You believe me?" She said, sounding confused.
"Yeah – you were stupid! God Sam – after everything that's happened, how could you treat him like that? I thought things were great between the two of you. I haven't seen Jack so happy in a long time and you seemed happy too."
"I was."
"Then what happened?"
"I – think I got scared", she admitted.
"Scared? Why the hell were you scared? Jack hadn't done anything, had he?"
"No, no – it wasn't of him. It was – the situation. Daniel, we haven't even talked about what's going to happen when the baby comes. I know how much he loves kids and I don't want to keep his child from him, but I can't give it up. It's my baby."
"Did he ask you to give it up?"
"No, of course not but -"
"Sam, there's no 'but'. Jack would never ask you to give up a child. I expect -", he stopped suddenly, biting his lip.
"What? What do you expect?" Sam wanted to know, catching something on his face that made her want him to continue.
"I – maybe he didn't say anything because he was waiting for you", he commented. "Or maybe -"
"Daniel what? Just say it."
"I think he was hoping that your relationship was changing – that you might be able to work something out where neither of you had to lose."
She looked puzzled, not sure what he meant. "Where neither – what do you mean?"
"Look Sam – Jack's been crazy about you for a long time and I think you feel something for him. I expect he was hoping that you might – you know – get together. That would mean that -"
"NO", she shook her head. "No – I don't – he doesn't – I -"
"Come on – you know that what I'm saying is true."
She sucked in a breath. "Okay – say I admit that there's some truth to that – it doesn't change the Air Force rules. We can't be together – not without destroying our careers and getting put up on charges."
"Do you really think that the Air Force is going to do that to you when you're having Jack's child?" Daniel asked. "If anything, I bet they hope you get together. I mean – look how quickly Jack got them to agree to you staying at his house. If they had a problem with a relationship between you I'm pretty sure they would have nixed that arrangement."
"But all this doesn't take away from the fact that he practically ordered me to stay at his place."
Daniel groaned. "Come on Sam! You know Jack – you know what he's like when he's afraid or upset. He says things that often come out wrong. You're right that he was probably hurt – and worried. Instead of talking calmly to you he probably over-reacted – although if you just blurted it out it's not surprising.
She gave a crooked smile – "see – stupid! God, what am I going to do?"
"What do you want to do?" He asked softly.
Sam scowled at her friend. "Did anyone ever tell you that you went into the wrong career? You definitely should have been a psychologist!"
"Sam?"
"Okay – fine. What do I want to do?" She sat for a moment, looking out at the small playground. Daniel would pick a place like this to stop and talk. She then thought about Jack – the Colonel – and about the last few weeks. She recalled her words to him and wanted to pound her head against the car window. She finally sighed and turned towards her own personal conscience and counselor. "What do I want to do?" she repeated. "I want to slap myself, then apologize to Jack - and".
"And what?"
"And – I don't know. I know what I want but I don't know if I can get it."
"What is it? Come on Sam – be honest."
She glared again at her personal Jiminy Cricket. "Fine – I want him."
"You want -"
"Him – Jack. I want him – oh", she quickly said when Daniel looked a bit taken aback, "for heaven's sake – I don't mean like that – well, maybe I d – sorry", she grinned at her friend, looking somewhat embarrassed. "What I mean is that I want him in my life. I want to share my life with him. Damn it all – I want to be together! Is that too much to ask?" She was shouting by the time she finished.
"Uh - no – not at all", he replied, unable to believe what she'd just blurted out. He'd hoped for some measure of honesty but this – god, he wished Jack were here. "So – what do you want to do now?"
"Right now?" she wondered. It suddenly dawned on her that she was exhausted. This was the first time she'd been out of bed for weeks and she'd had to deal with all this heavy duty emotional stuff. "Just take me home", she said quietly. "I'm tired and I don't think I can deal with this right now."
"What about Jack?" Daniel asked, knowing that his friend was probably hurting.
"I – can't deal with him either. I'll talk to him soon, I promise."
That was as much as he could expect from her right now. She obviously was very tired – he could see the black circles under her eyes. He also knew that Jack would kill him if he let anything happen to her. With a small shake of his head he turned his car on, back out of the parking lot, and headed to Sam's.
"You'll call if you need anything?" he asked as he helped her to her front door. He was carrying her suitcase while she had the bag of groceries he'd picked up for her.
"I will", she nodded. After she'd opened the door and placed everything inside she turned to him and held out her arms and gave him a hug. "Thanks", she whispered.
"Anytime", he answered, leaning down slightly and kissing the top of her head. "just don't leave things too long", he told her. "It'll only get harder." He could feel her nod and finally stepped back. "Take care and rest."
"I will Daniel – good night."
She was so tired that all she had the energy to do was to put the groceries away and then practically fall on her bed. She laughed softly. How could she be this tired after having been in bed for so long?
When she woke up she was quite disoriented. It took her a moment to remember she was in her own bed at home, rather than at Jack's. The quick stab of disappointment was telling enough. She wanted to kick herself. Why had she insisted on coming home immediately? No one would have known.
She turned her head to look at her clock, not surprised to note that it was in the middle of the night. It had been 7:00 when she'd fallen asleep and it was now 3:00 am and she felt wide awake. She was also hungry. Of course that thought made her think of what she'd said to Jack about his meals – and she swore at herself. He was a great cook and he'd gone out of his way to make meals that were interesting and fun as well as nutritious.
"You are a raging idiot, Samantha Carter", she told herself. She sighed, and stood up and made her way to the kitchen. After serving herself a bowl of cheerios she quickly ate it, continuing to look at the clock.
It was now 3:35 and all she could think about was Jack and what an idiot she'd been. What a cruel, hurtful stupid idiot. "You have to fix this Sam", she murmured to herself. "And the sooner the better." Daniel was right. She couldn't let this go.
With a firm nod she stood and marched into her bedroom and decided there and then what she was going to do. After throwing on her jacket she made her way to the front door.
Jack blinked blearily, wondering what the hell was going on. He'd lain awake for hours, only finally getting to sleep at close to 3:00. He glanced over at the clock – it was now just past 4:00 am. Why had he woken – then he heard it again. Someone was knocking on his door.
He quickly got up, grabbed his robe and headed downstairs. He thought about grabbing a weapon, wondering who the hell could be here at this hour. If there had been a problem at the SGC someone would have called. If Sam – no – she was fine, don't go there.
He quietly made his way to his front door and looked through the peek hole just as the knock sounded again. "What the –?" He jerked open the door. "What the hell are you doing here at 4:00 in the morning?"
"Sorry", Sam looked at him apologetically, but walked past him anyway. "Were you sleeping?"
"Was I – it's 4:00 o'clock in the morning."
"Oh – I guess you were then. Uh – can we talk?" she asked, sounding determined, but slightly nervous.
"I thought you said everything you had to say before", he snapped. He had to admit to himself that his heart had given a glad leap when he'd realized it was her – but he wasn't going to admit that to her. And anyway – he was still angry at her. He refused to think about the fact that he was also hurt.
"I said a lot of things", she answered calmly, sitting on his couch, "most of them incredibly stupid."
Well that was a surprise. Jack didn't know quite what to say so he simply let his eyebrows do the talking for him.
"First of all, I want to apologize", she said calmly, although her eyes glistened from unshed tears. "I said some terribly hurtful things and none of them were true. I loved being here", she said in a rush. "I loved having you wait on me, and you are a great cook – I think I gained weight and it's not all baby – and I also love your stories. They make me laugh and I looked forward to the times you came and saw me in my room. In fact, when you were gone I missed you."
Okay – so how in hell was he supposed to react to all this. Looking at her he could tell she was sincere – and the ache in his heart seemed to lessen. But she had left and he still had no idea how they stood.
"Uh – I – that's nice." Great Jack – good response! He closed his eyes and tried to think out to resay that but before he had a chance she spoke again.
"I was scared", she confessed, her voice little more than a whisper.
He frowned, confused. "You were scared? Of losing the baby?"
"No – yes – I mean, the reason I decided to leave was because I was frightened", she told him. "Of us."
"Of us?" He was positive his brain wasn't functioning properly because he had no idea what she was talking about.
She sighed and pulled her hair back, clearly playing for time. "Yes. Look S – Jack – you and I both know that we – that you – that, well, that there's always been – you know – this thing."
"This thing?"
"Jack! You know what I mean – there's always been this – awareness – between us."
"Oh – that thing. Yeah."
"Well, we also knew that it couldn't go anywhere, not with the Air Force and our respective positions. So I -"
"Pete?"
"Yeah. I wanted a life – before it was too late. So – Pete."
"Well – that didn't work out too well", he stated calmly, no judgment in his voice.
"No – although he was a nice guy."
"Not right for you", Jack stated categorically.
"No, not right for me", she agreed. "But there is someone who is right for me", she stated in a rush, "except -"
"The Air Force?" he said hopefully.
"Right – the Air Force. And then, you see, these aliens decided to mess with us and the next thing I knew I was pregnant and things had kind of changed."
"Kind of?"
"Well, okay, really changed. But still – even though I was having this man's child", she glanced at him and then away, "The Air Force thing hadn't changed. I was frightened that I was allowing myself to get – too comfortable – and that it would be harder to – leave – if I left it much longer. I – didn't handle it well."
"No – you didn't", he agreed pleasantly, although there was a new note in his voice which she couldn't read.
She narrowed her eyes at him, but the spark of something – something good –kept her from responding to that. "Well, I said some stupid things and then left and Daniel -"
"Daniel – of course it would be Daniel", he nodded, a small smile on his face.
"Yes", she briefly smiled in return. "I told Daniel that I'd said some awful things and he made me realize that I had to talk to you."
"So, I have Daniel to thank for the middle of the night visit?"
"I'm sorry -"
He waved his hand at her dismissing her apology. "No problem. Now, get back to the part about this guy who is right for you."
She laughed softly at that, suddenly feeling confident that things really could be all right. "Well, as I was saying, I was frightened that things were going to get to a point where I'd say to hell with the regulations."
Jack's eyebrows flew up. "What? Sam Carter not caring about the regulations?"
She swatted him gently. "I was worried so I decided I needed to leave. I – I'm so sorry about the things I said", she told him again. "I'm afraid I got angry and -"
"Hey", he reached out and gently put his finger over her mouth. "No need to apologize. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did." He paused for a moment and then looked her in the eye. "It's not up to me to tell you what to do", his lips turned up in a crooked smile, "except when we're at work. But you had every right to go home if you wanted to."
"And the baby?"
He groaned. "I know you'd never do anything to hurt it. That was my stupidity. I hope you'll forgive me."
"Of course", she said simply. She then stopped speaking and looked at him. After a few moments of silence she took a deep breath. "But I don't know what to do now."
"No?" He tilted his head.
"No."
"Okay", he nodded and looked as if he was deep in thought. "What do you want to do?"
"You sound like Daniel", she huffed.
That brought a burst of laughter from him. "Oh no, not the Space Monkey! So – tell me what you want."
She sighed as leaned her head back against the couch. "I want – the Air Force to forget the regulations."
"Okay – that's covered. What else?"
"Jack!" she laughed softly. "I don't think it's that easy. The regulations are still there and -"
"No they're not."
"What?"
"The regulations. They're not in our way anymore."
"What are you saying? The regulations haven't changed."
"No – not for other people – but for us they have. When I got permission for you to stay with me I asked Hammond to see if we could get a – dispensation. It took some wheeling and dealing but he got it. He convinced them that it was no fault of our own that you are pregnant with my child and therefore we should be allowed to – uh – do whatever we wanted in terms of – well – whatever."
"Whatever?" she grinned.
He groaned again. "Fine – we have permission to live together, or have a relationship or whatever we decide we want to do."
"And what do you want to do Jack?" she asked, an impish look on her face.
"Hey, no way. I asked you first."
They sat looking at one another, both too nervous to say what they wanted – but both aware that things had changed. There was an air of anticipation – a sense that the next few minutes could mean a totally new life for both of them.
"Ah hell!" Jack finally said. He stood and walked to the couch and sat next to Sam. "What I want Carter – is very simple. I want you."