Update! As always, I'm going to remind you that you should pay attention to warnings and know that I don't always agree with what happens with this story. Sorry if I keep you waiting sometimes, life keeps me busy, but I've written up to chapter 6 out of 10, so this will hopefully be over soon!
Thanks jobelle516 for beta-reading, I'd be lost without you. You save me.
This thing tortures his head.
It has never happened to him before.
The fact that a boy, Sebastian, had cried during sex upsets him. His boys had always been obliging when it came to sex, even though some of them looked doubtful at first. Sebastian didn't melt, not even a little, not even after the first approach and this is upsetting for Kurt.
He's sitting in the chair of room, has done so for thirty minutes at least, since he woke up from an awkward night.
His sleep had been disturbed and he had lots of visions about Sebastian and his red eyes, something he's not used to. Usually, as soon as he steps out of that room, leaving his toy alone inside, he stops thinking about him. It happened with anyone, why is that different with Sebastian?
Why does feel like he needs to talk to him? It's probably due to the fact that Sebastian cried. There was something that clenched uncomfortably inside Kurt's body when he saw his red eyes and tears streaming down his face. And Sebastian never came. Sebastian doesn't come with him. This is probably what makes Kurt feel like he's raping him. Maybe he is; which is horrible.
For some reason it's one of the most horrible things he's ever done.
Since he was a kid, he was easily educated to the idea of murder, to drugs and smoke, and sex. But non-consensual sex with a boy crying and falling into pieces under is touch is sort of different from anything else. Sebastian looked so weak in his eyes, so exposed like no other boy had ever been. They enjoyed it, lots of them fell for Kurt, but Sebastian allowed him – probably involuntarily – to see through his most intimate walls.
And this need Kurt feels now to see him, to talk to him. He wants to find out more, wants to know what it is in Sebastian's past or something that makes him like this.
He swallows hard to himself, wondering what he should do.
He could stay in this room and let it go, just let time mend his perplexities and then go back to Sebastian, have him again and maybe see him cry once more.
Would it confuse him? Of course.
Would it hurt him? Maybe?
Would it be easier than having to deal with Sebastian as a person instead than just a toy? Yes, sure as hell it would.
But at the same time … wouldn't it feel better to touch Sebastian when Sebastian trusts him and lets Kurt open him up for him willingly? Wouldn't it be amazing if Sebastian begged for Kurt to have him? Wouldn't it be better to just have him when Sebastian wants too?
So, what if Kurt gives a chance to this? What if he tries just for once to talk to this person and ... just for curiosity; just because he wants to find out about Sebastian. He can give it a try. If it feels too different, if it feels too uncomfortable, he'll just cut it to sex or screaming, things he feels more at ease with.
He stands up then, taking a few steps in his room. He fits the dark scarlet undershirt he's wearing, the tight golden chain necklace around his neck hanging over it. He stares for a moment as his abdomen is perfectly shown through the soft material. For a moment he thinks he looks perfectly hot.
But even if he likes looking hot, he pulls on a gray heavy sweater. He doesn't know why he does it, but he feels like it's the right thing to do. Maybe it will help him to keep from sex at least long enough to actually start a conversation. He pulls on his black tight sweatpants, the whole outfit making his skin seem even paler and he walks out of his own room, trying not to pay any attention to the way he slams the door behind his back because he's nervous.
When he gets to the door of his slave's room, a few steps away from his own – his dad put it there so that Kurt could have fun when he wanted, immediate and handy pleasure.
For a moment he stops there, wondering if he should knock. He never does it but maybe this case, this boy needs just a little sensitivity. So he does, he breaks this self-rule and though he hates himself for doing so, there's something different, a new sensation inside him. He feels a little proud for having done such a kind gesture.
He waits for a few seconds but no answers come. He doesn't get any for a minute even and more. When his impatience finally wins over his mercy, he just lowers the handle, his face frowning awkwardly.
The room is dark, of course.
He didn't left the small little window open yesterday, so none of the soft morning light comes in from there. Instead, he can look over the bed thanks to the light coming from the door, so he left it open for a moment. He stares at where Sebastian is still tied and naked on the bed, sleeping deeply. Kurt thinks it must have been a quite tiring, physically and emotionally, for him – though this is weird, trying to understand what other people feel like. Kurt never does it.
He opens the window, just a little, so that the shy rays of sun make the room visible in all its corners. He walks back and closes the heavy door behind him. He walks to the bed then, walking slowly as he can't tear his eyes off of Sebastian's gorgeous naked body. This doesn't help his plan of just putting his hands on his toy; momentarily of course; because Kurt only enters this room to fuck, even when he plans on something else first.
He sits on the mattress, finally looking away from Sebastian's gorgeous abs to gaze up at ease face.
It's beautiful.
His face is relaxed from tiredness and he's snorting just a little. Kurt wouldn't even call it snorting. It's probably just breathing deeply. From his position, Kurt can notice the freckles along his face, running down his neck and along his shoulder and his torso. For some reason he doesn't know those freckles look gorgeous over his body. There's something tickling under Kurt's chest at the pleasant sight. His heart is beating fast all of a sudden, the intimacy of staring while Sebastian is so exposed making him feel like he's missing out on something more than sex in his life.
When Sebastian wrinkles his face, Kurt swallows down but even if he knows he'll probably get caught staring if Sebastian wakes up, he doesn't manage to look away.
Minutes go by and when he realizes Sebastian isn't opening his eyes, Kurt moves along the bed, sliding on the mattress until he's lying beside the boy. He wraps an arm around his torso and puts his cheek on Sebastian's shoulders. It feels warm like this, sleeping with a boy in such an intimate position, just being in bed, no sex necessary to keep him close to someone.
Not that he has ever slept with some of his toys before. He doesn't stay in their bed often, but it happened in the past, occasionally, like when he was feeling too lazy to move; but it was always after sex and not like this. This time he sneaked into his boy's room to find out more about him and he ended up curling against his body as he's doing now to search for a better spot to occupy.
Kurt didn't know he had missed cuddling with someone until now. Kurt had no idea how much he liked it until now.
"M-master?" Sebastian's voice makes him stiffen against his body, like he's been caught up doing something he shouldn't have done.
He doesn't know how Sebastian has actually managed to be sober enough to call him master as soon as he woke up, but that's just a detail.
"Sebastian." He trails back immediately, putting some distance between them – and mostly ignoring the sense of cold emptiness that comes with it. He lifts on his elbows so that he can look at him. Sebastian's eyes are open now and they're gorgeous. "I was-"
"Using me," Sebastian says with a bitter smile on his face, "Yeah, I kind of figured it out. That's what I'm here for, right?"
Kurt feels his chest tightening. He wouldn't care usually, he has never cared before, but when he looks into Sebastian's eyes, the boy looks sad again and Kurt is so afraid that he might cry again, because he has no idea how to deal with people's feeling.
"More or less," he answers then, breathing in and putting more space between them, just to be sure, "But … hmm, I was actually here to talk to you. You were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you up."
Sebastian seems shaken at the words. Kurt can easily understand why. From what Sebastian has said by now, Kurt is pretty sure that he wouldn't imagine him trying to be careful and not wake him up. Kindness wasn't in his gestures from the moment he walked into this room and found Sebastian tied at that chair.
"You didn't?" Sebastian asks softly, his voice sounding low like he doesn't know if he can actually make such a question.
"I didn't." Kurt answers, shrugging a little, "You must be tired, I …" almost raped you? "I went hard on you."
Sebastian seems more curious know, eyebrow jacked up in surprise. The gesture is what makes Kurt realize the hesitation in his own voice. It must be upsetting for a person to see such a quick change, but honestly growing up in such an environment, Kurt has learnt just letting his moods shift whenever they need to. He doesn't have nerves to waste on pondering about how much his attitude must be confusing to people.
When Sebastian doesn't say anything, just waits and stares, though Kurt isn't sure if that is for kindness or fear, he speaks again.
"I've realized," He looks down at the mattress for a moment, feeling slightly uncomfortable with having to show some weakness to the other person in this bed; then he gazes up again though, because he was used to never look down and he won't forget about it now, "I've realized that I did something that was never my costume." He murmurs as he tries not to give in the temptation of brushing this boy's skin. "I won't try and talk to you about how much of a good guy I am. That would be a lie." He looks straight into Sebastian's eyes as he says so, maybe to make sure he is aware about everything going on. "I made some horrible things in my life, Sebastian, and the worst part of it is that I can't even bring myself to regret most of those."
"Why-" Sebastian asks spontaneously, but he hesitates, biting his lower lip.
Kurt knows why he didn't finish the sentence, knows that Sebastian has now remembered about Kurt telling him to call him master and not to do anything if he doesn't have permission for it. So he nods and blinks, like he wants to give this permission.
"Why are you saying these things to me right now?" Sebastian asks then, still looking hesitant. "I have figured out already the place I've ended up too. They've come for me at home, Kurt, took me from my dad, from my place, my life." His voice sounds so broken that he doesn't even manage to seem angry.
Awkwardly, Kurt knows there's something right about what Sebastian is telling. He also knows that if he would have been any other of his toys, Kurt would have already punished him for speaking like this; but not today, not with this boy who cried when Kurt touched him.
"I know most of the things you are going to see here will appear as completely wrong to you," Kurt explains, "and I also know that I myself must seem all wrecked up and wicked, but let me just finish what I was saying, okay?"
It must be the okay? that gets Sebastian.
His face looked hurt and gritted a moment ago, but when he hears the word, his features ship quickly into soft ones and he nods.
"Fine." Kurt says, closing eyes for a moment and breathing in. He has no idea why this seems so hard to speak out loud, but he looks at Sebastian's face again when he does. "As I said, I did many horrible things in my life, but what happened to you last night was completely crazy." Sebastian stiffens at the reference. "I abused you in some way and though I've always been quite material when it comes to sex, I'm shocked at the fact that someone might come down to crying at how much he doesn't want it-"
"That's-" Sebastian interrupts spontaneously, swallowing for a moment before he can add anything, "That's not it."
Kurt tilts his head, looking confused, "What?"
Sebastian moves a little closer along the mattress, maybe unconsciously.
"You didn't abuse me." He says honestly, but Kurt feels like he's just trying to convince himself or something. "Not completely at least."
"You know this is a lie." Kurt answers, shaking his head and looking into his eyes. "You didn't want it and I forced you to. I've always been manipulative when it came to sex but driving someone crazy until they beg for it isn't as sick as make someone cry because I've forced him to do something he didn't feel comfortable with." He explains and surprisingly Sebastian is actively listening. "Here, let me untie you."
Sebastian startles a little at the words, his eyes going wide like he didn't see this coming. Kurt moves slowly, lifting on his knees, shifting along the mattress until he's reached the bandage that is keeping Sebastian's wrist tied to the headboard. He starts working it off gently, a lot more than he would have imagined.
"So," Sebastian speaks softly, "What is the point in this?"
Kurt doesn't look at him now, too busy with undoing the knot of the bandage. "The point is that I came here to apologize." He says, sighing and not gazing at the other boy, not even for a moment. "I'm really sorry that I forced you to have sex with me because that is gross, too gross even for me."
They both stay in silence for several uncomfortable moments.
Kurt undoes the bandage, but his heart starts beating fast as he realizes what he's just said. Not only he rarely apologizes or admits that he's done something wrong, but he never talks to people so openly, not when it comes to some kind of feeling. He feels confused all of a sudden, so when he lets the bandage fall onto the bed and remains with his knees on the bed, gaze unfocused on the mattress, he has got so used to this silence that he finds himself stiffening at hearing Sebastian's voice.
"I … I wanted to have sex with you, I did …" He murmurs weakly and Kurt's heart hammers faster for some reason he can't explain to himself. "You are gorgeous, good-looking and witty, but …"
Kurt waits for an explanation to come.
He waits for what he's been waiting since last night.
He has come into this room right to find out about what has bothered Sebastian so much that it makes him cry during sex. This is the moment Kurt has waited for.
The explanation doesn't come though. Sebastian doesn't add anything – he just rolls his wrist and stretches his arm like he has waited forever to do so - and when Kurt realizes that he won't, he looks at him confusedly.
"But?" He prompts, lifting his eyebrows.
Sebastian licks his lower lip, so Kurt sighs.
"Look, it's not like you have to tell me," He says and this time he gives in, moving his hand until he's brushing Sebastian's arm sweetly, "all that matters is that you know that I don't want to ravish you. As many toys as I had, I've never forced anyone into sex and I don't want to do that with you …"
Sebastian nods but then he looks hesitating, like he wants to ask something. Therefore, Kurt rolls his eyes for a moment and puts his hand away from his arm, like the amount of fondness in the caress might hurt him. Sebastian looks into his eyes at the movement.
"I also want you to know," Kurt explains, "That you can speak. I might get angry and kinky in bed, but I won't hurt you just because you've asked a question. As far as you don't insult me or do something I don't want you to, there's no problem."
"Okay." Sebastian says immediately as he breathes in. "Kurt, there's something I need to ask you then."
Kurt nods and strokes his own thighs nervously – he's not used to feeling this nervous around a person, "Ask then."
"I've got your initials written on me." He says, chewing his lower lip while he stares into Kurt's eyes. "I know this is probably just because you are my master and I belong to you," he already sounds so convinced and resigned that Kurt shivers for some reason, "but what if you … huh, have enough of me someday? What if you just don't want me anymore?"
Kurt has no idea why Sebastian's voice sounds so broken. In fact, he is pretty sure Sebastian doesn't like him. Why should he be worried about the idea of Kurt not liking him anymore.
"I've never thought about it," Kurt notices, a little stunned, "Guess it must be awkward that there are plenty of guys in New York with my name written on their skin." He considers, looking at the wall thoughtfully.
"Are we in New York?" Sebastian asks.
The question is quite sudden and leaves Kurt a little dazed, like he hadn't realized he spilled the detail. But that can't be too dangerous, right? Sebastian is closed in here and even if he does know where they are, it's not like he could spit it to his family's enemies.
"Yes, we are." Kurt answers honestly. "But this would usually be one of those questions you can't ask without permission."
Sebastian swallows and doesn't reply, his gaze fixed into Kurt's.
Kurt doesn't know why he adds some explanations to it.
"I go to college in here." He says honestly as he shrugs. "And New York is such a huge town. Whenever you need to hide yourself, it seems like the perfect place."
"I guess so," Sebastian says a little bitterly and Kurt moves in along the mattress, getting closer.
"What's up now?" He asks, a little too concerned. It's hard but amusing to try and understand this boy. He's such a mystery and has probably got some background story Kurt doesn't know anything about.
"I'm confused." Sebastian explains, his voice soft and low, and all of a sudden, he doesn't make eye contact anymore. "All of this seems so unreal to me. I've been dragged to New York from Columbus because my dad didn't pay his dues and I've been objectified and tattooed since then; not to mention that I had to spend the night tied to a bed." When he looks up and Kurt's eyes are a little harsher, he quickly adds, "I'm not complaining, master. I just don't understand."
"This is how it works with this business," Kurt explains flatly, "you either accept it or you don't get the chance to have another opportunity."
"Does that seem logically fair to you?" Sebastian asks, not sounding bitter, though his soft tone is a little forced – Kurt can tell.
"You're talking way too much." He snaps, coming back to his natural attitude. "I came here to apologize but all you're doing is judging my life. I didn't judge your choice-"
"You didn't respect them." Sebastian corrects, his chest inflating and deflating evidently, as if he is afraid of Kurt's reacting but at the same time he has to speak these things out loud. "You didn't even give me an actual choice. No one did since I've been kidnapped from my place, traded as if I was an object. I'm sorry but your apology seems vain to me if you can't even see that I'm a human being with actual feelings."
"I see that." Kurt insists, having no idea why he cares so much about making it clear. "If I didn't think you had feelings, it wouldn't make any sense for me to apologize even, don't you think?"
"You apologize because you were feeling guilty," Sebastian snaps, this time sounding quite bitchy, "this was never about you being concerned with my feelings."
Kurt knows this isn't true.
He knows because since Sebastian cried, he has been feeling not only guilty but also curious. If he just didn't care, then why would he want to know the reason why Sebastian acted that way? If he didn't care, he could have just waited for the next round to come to this room and put up an apology that could help him sleep at night; the truth is that Kurt came here with no intensions of having sex or washing his conscience until it's clean. He came to know about Sebastian.
He doesn't say it though.
He doesn't speak it out loud, it would make him look weak, and his dad taught him to never show your own weakness.
"Whatever, that's not your business." He says instead, stepping back to climb off of the bed. "I'm done now, whatever I wanted to talk about with you doesn't make sense if you don't even try and make an effort to understand how this life actually works."
He can immediately see from Sebastian's tight face that he's keeping from saying something really mean about his style of life. Kurt is used to it, a lot of people do so. He's already standing up from the bed when Sebastian finally speaks.
"What did you want to talk about, master?"
When his voice comes out, it's a lot softer that Kurt would have thought, considering the way they were arguing. In fact, when he looks at his face again, Sebastian looks hesitating and unsure wants more. So Kurt wonders what he is supposed to do now.
There is a part of him who is still curious and wants to know, but at the same time, he isn't sure he wants to let the walls of his pride down long enough to ask. It's not like Sebastian is being a good boy today. Eventually, he gives in and sits on the bed again, this time along the side, as far as possible from Sebastian.
"About you," he answers, licking his pink lower lip for a moment, "and what you were feeling inside when you started crying, I want to understand. You're not the only one who doesn't in here."
"Do you care?" Sebastian looks straight into his eyes. "Do you care about the real answer to this question, or is it just because you demand to know?" Kurt's face wrinkles in confusion at the words, but Sebastian is quick to explain, "Maybe you just think your pet can't hide the truth from you. You think that you should know anything, but that is not how it works, master."
Kurt is sort of relieved that his tone isn't arrogant because there is something clenching inside his stomach at the words and he isn't sure he could scold Sebastian while he's feeling like this. Therefore, when he speaks, his voice comes out softer than he expected.
"This isn't the point now. I … I just need to know." He murmurs, stopping just for a moment when he was about to confess that he couldn't sleep.
It would be ridiculous if Sebastian knew, right? It would make him doubt Kurt's authority.
"But I don't need to tell." Sebastian fights back and Kurt is finding it hard not to just slap him in the face to make him regret the way he is acting right now.
He sighs eventually. If it would have been any other guy, he would regret what he said in the blink of an eye; but there's something about Sebastian, something in the way he exposed his own weakness, cried at Kurt's touch, that makes everything different.
"I'm going to go now." Kurt murmurs, his voice hushed and his gaze lost. There's a shiver down in his spine though he has no idea what it comes from. "I think people are waiting for me and I'm going to be late. Be a good boy while I'm away, would you?"
Sebastian nods, looking unsure.
"Not only because I want you to be, but because it can be dangerous outside." Kurt says then, making sure they keep the eye-contact. "I don't want you to try and get out of this room, okay?"
"Got it." Sebastian just says, nodding and looking down.
He leans his arm to Kurt, almost as if he's waiting for him to tie him to the bed again. Kurt doesn't do it though. He stands up and slowly walks towards the door, stopping just for a moment, to look over his shoulder and notice that Sebastian is staring at him incredulously.
"A good boy doesn't need to be in chains," He says.
"Bandages." Sebastian corrects automatically.
"Whatever," is the last word Kurt pronounces before he's out of the room definitively.
Even when he is out though, there is something he can't fight about the feeling building up inside him. Sebastian is still on his mind, in his chest, an awkward tickling sensation right under his skin. He isn't used to it. Walking along the tight hallway, he barely greets the guards with a nod, too thoughtful to actually pay any attention to them. The light is still dim coming from the windows, the early hours of the morning feeling already like a whole heavy day has gone by.
It is awkward for Kurt not to get what he wants. Sebastian didn't answer his question and Kurt still doesn't know if there's a rational reason why he was afraid last night. He doesn't even know if he was afraid or it was just a different sensation rather than that.
When he gets in the main hall, his dad is there, instructing his courier.
"Hey, good morning." He says to him when Kurt walks closer, nodding to the couriers to go. "How have you slept? You're usually in the living room study at this time. It's awkward to see that you're waking up just now."
Kurt shrugs, "I was kind of tired." He says briefly, not even mentioning that he hasn't slept or that he was in Sebastian's room. "I'm sorry, did you need me for something?"
"No, not really." Burt puts his hands in his pockets. "I was just concerned. You're always so prissy that it is strange not to see you respecting your times."
Kurt smiles, "I had too many exams lately, my head aches." He says, imitating his dad's posture. "And all those business dinners don't help me to get more relaxed. I feel tensed."
"I know," Burt sounds understanding, "but this is essential, Kurt. It's an important transit before you start getting into the business more seriously."
"Yeah, I know that." Kurt frowns. "I just thought, you know, I'm only nineteen. Is it too soon for me to get involved?"
His voice sounds unsure while he pronounces the words. He doesn't know if this has something to do with the conversation he had with Sebastian, but he is considering something. For all his life, he thought that he was going to take his father's place someday, but did he ever get to choose that? Kurt didn't give a choice to Sebastian maybe – like Sebastian himself stated – but now he finds himself wondering if someone ever gave a chance to choose to him.
Burt is frowning a little at his words, like he hadn't see this coming. Of course, because Kurt hadn't see it coming either, but it was out before he could stop it.
"I mean," he tries to soften the tone, "Am I supposed to do it now? Am I even supposed to do it? You have Finn too, so what if I took a different direction? Not that I want to, I'm just considering the options."
"There is no option, kiddo." Burt shakes his head, seeming confused at this new turn. "Even though I love Finn as if he were my son, he is not an Hummel. He doesn't belong to this, and to be honest, I'm not sure he's smart enough. I mean it in the fondest way. The kid is naïve, and that is not a characteristic that works with business."
Kurt knows this.
He knows too well that the mob isn't where Finn belongs. It might be dangerous for him who is too innocent to even tell when someone is lying to him. So, rationally, Kurt knows that his dad is right. Finn can't be the person in line for the family business, but there has got to be someone who'll take care of it once Burt won't be able or willing to do so anymore. At the same time though, Kurt is starting to feeling something he has never felt before. It's like he can now see the injustice of it. Since he was born and they found out he was a boy, Kurt was doomed to have this kind of life.
"I know that too." He speaks then, shaking his head a little and crossing his arms to his chest. "I just feel like you didn't even ask me if I wanted to do this."
Burt looks completely surprised at the words.
Kurt can understand what his surprise comes from. He has never brought this up before, like ever in his life. He's always been quite resigned to his fate.
"Okay, kiddo." Burt comments a moment later, looking hurt – which makes Kurt feel awkwardly guilty, as his family is the only people who manage to still affect him that much (Not anymore, Kurt thinks, it happened with Sebastian). "Listen to me." He murmurs comforting. "This is very important. When I'll be gone, tired or murdered," he says easily, "There won't be anyone to keep up with the business and I need someone I can trust to swear to me that all our family has done through the years isn't going to get lost."
"But I-"
"I haven't finished, Kurt." Burt cuts him. "I know you're becoming more independent and you've been spoiled a little through the years, but this won't give you the right to act impolitely when I know you are the most polite kid of them all when you try."
Kurt nods, swallowing and feeling sad all of a sudden, like he is already resigning again before the conversation comes to an end.
"You are amazing, kiddo." He puts his arms on Kurt's shoulders, patting him there and looking into his eyes. "You are better than anyone else I've ever known. You know how to smell the occasions, know how to move and when to move. You speak several languages and count quite quickly. You're basically going to turn into a complete genius in the next few years."
A stab hits Kurt's chest, making him wince as his eyes fill with tears. He can't help this. He can't do anything if his dad talks like he is so, so proud about him that he couldn't trust anyone else in this world. He knows Burt isn't doing it on purpose but this is playing so dirty.
"You know that in the Family, we never know when we'll be gone." He explains softly to his son. "As much as I've never ordered to kill anybody that wasn't extremely dangerous for us, other people aren't like me, or like you. Someone pull the trigger, it might be tomorrow, it might be twenty years from now, but it can happen, son, and whenever I might be gone, I just want to be sure that someone knows the shifts of the couriers, the right phone numbers to call even when the names on the agenda are fake, someone who knows how to lie."
Kurt nods, his throat feeling tight and burning.
"If I don't have you, if I have no idea what might happen to Finn and Carole, then I can't rest in peace." Burt says, serious and fond concern in his eyes as he squeezes Kurt's shoulders. "You are the only one I can trust, the only one I know that won't fail before even trying. You've never questioned your future before, what happened now?"
"I just-"
Kurt stops the moment he opens his mouth.
He knows the thought is crazy but as soon as he had Sebastian's face in his head and he was ready to give their conversation as an explanation for his behavior, he thought about his dad's words, I've never ordered to kill anybody that wasn't extremely dangerous for us. Would this make Sebastian dangerous? The fact that he pushes Kurt to question his future in the business might be.
He probably shouldn't care about Sebastian dying anyway. He should just let it happen, he might find another toy. And yet, he doesn't manage to pronounce the words. He molds the words in his head, yielding a complete new shape to them.
"I just thought it might be time for me to start question whether this life is what I want or not." He hisses a little sharply and Burt's hands fall off of his shoulders, sadness filling his eyes. "I didn't say I made up my mind, but … I've started question, and although there is a big part of me who thinks I still belong here, I also feel like I've never had a choice. You've never given me any choice."
"There isn't a choice, Kurt." Burt shakes his head. "Can't you see it? This is the only way you have to survive."
"Why?" Kurt tightens his eyelids, having no idea what that is supposed to mean.
"Everybody knows who you are, everybody knows which family you belong to and no one would ever miss the chance to end things with you as soon as you're exposed and out of the family-"
"I didn't say I wanted to be out of the family." Kurt frowns.
"I can't keep you here if you're not in the business." Burt says, flatly. "If you stayed here, you would know. A person who is out of this shouldn't know."
"What?" Kurt asks in shock. "This isn't fair at all. You had me knowing things I didn't ask to know for years, and now I find out that it meant turning my house into a cage?"
"It's a safe cage, Kurt." Burt answers, "I only wanted to protect you."
"It's a cage nevertheless," Kurt cuts bitterly.
For a moment, those words pronounce coldly and bitterly are the only thing that remains between them. They look into each other's eyes but they don't speak for a while.
It's Burt who breaks the silence.
"All I've ever wanted, Kurt, was for you to be safe and live easily." He explains, his voice finally sounding fond and soft again – and his looking maybe just a little wet. "All that I've done in my life, since your mom went away, was to make sure I guaranteed a future to you, to make sure that I had that something ready for you so that you wouldn't have to fight the way your grandpa and I did to have it. I can't believe you're considering this now. Just yesterday I'm sure you said you couldn't wait to sit behind a desk and have the city in yours hands."
"I don't even know the city." Kurt cries out. "Since we've moved to New York, the only place I can go to without the guards is to school! Everytime I go to a place I love, like the park, or Broadway, or just jogging on the sidewalk, people always give me those looks like 'who's this boy have body guards?' and no one even asks my number-"
"Why would you need a boy's number when I gave you dozens of boys just for you entertainment?" Burt shakes his head. "I gave the life you wanted even though I didn't think it was appropriate. I trusted your choices and now you won't trust mine."
"You're talking about sex!" Kurt shrieks, feeling his eyes wetting as he's not used to scream against his dad whom he loves very much. "What I meant is that I don't have any friends beside Rachel, that is awful."
"She was always there for you, don't me like that." Burt scolds him, but Kurt is on a mission.
"I know and I love her, but she is my only friend. Can't you see how wrecked this is?" He yells, feeling a little embarrassed when two of the maids of the house pass by and start gossiping over the discussion already.
Burt throws a look at them and then he's back to Kurt, a new concern filling his eyes.
"Just as much as you can't see how dangerous this conversation might be." He whispers more carefully. "If this ever came out, if someone found out that we're not as strong and convinced as we were before as a family, they might take advantage of this situation. You know how much we control in the city, you know how many fields of trade would be ideal for someone to restore their failed business-"
"But-" Kurt tries to complain but he gets cut.
"No, Kurt, just listen." Burt says, worried and fond. "What you are doing now might put our family into serious danger. Break one link in the chain and it will all be lost. You don't think the Andersons might take a risk? And what about the Fabrays? They've been waiting for years to find the right spot to beat us down."
That is when Kurt starts feeling guilty. He knows he is right on part of his complains at least, but at the same time he would never want to put his family into such dangers. He bites his lower lip and breathes in slowly. How could he not notice how fucked up this was before? The fact that he needed an unknown sex toy to enlighten his mind somehow makes him think that maybe there are a lot of things about his own life that Kurt has never doubted of but that he should start questioning about.
"I'm sorry." He murmurs defeated eventually. "I didn't want to start yelling …"
"I know." Burt says immediately, his lips arching up into a smile as he puts his hands back on Kurt's shoulders. "And I also know that it is normal for you to feel confused once in a while. Your mind is always been a rock, kiddo. You've always been calmer than me and this is why I trust you would be the only leader that could ever take my place."
"Yeah, and what if I freak out like I just did?" Kurt wrinkles his lips, hating himself for the way he is already starting to give up again.
"You won't do that when you will be sure. It's your insecurity that makes you act like this." His dad explains softly. "But I promise it will be alright, Kurt. It'll get better."
Kurt sighs deeply then. He hopes so, hopes he won't find himself doubting how much he cares about his family. He knows what his dad is telling is completely true and he loves him, Carole and Finn way too much to put them into danger. But why is he even going to college then? Why is pretending to follow one of his dreams if it is all going to burn to ashes when he'll grow up or probably even sooner? That is the part he can't understand, but he doesn't dare to ask.
He would never want for someone to walk on them fighting again. Kurt knows too well how this works. If someone sensed the tension, the Hummel residence would turn into a weak spot to hit, especially when they have so many business fields into their hands and Kurt can't allow that. He can't allow someone to hurt his family just because he felt like complaining one day. There are many responsibilities that come with being a man of honor and this at least, Kurt is going to respect until his dying day.
"It will." He answers then, even if he can't control how sad that sounds. "I'm sure I will get better soon. Forgive me, father."
His voice is a little broken on the last words, but he keeps from breaking it into a cry at least.
"I know." Burt smiles more hugely then. "I know you will, I trust you."
He gives one last pat on Kurt's shoulder before he is walking away, leaving Kurt standing in the middle of the hall, with more thoughts in mind that he would like to have. Whatever this is, it is starting to become messy and he hates having to face messy situation when his mind isn't clear even. Pondering in confusion always caused him quick and enormous headaches; and that isn't positive when he is supposed to study almost all day.
/
When Kurt has done studying, half of day has passed.
He just focused on one chapter because he knew he couldn't do more than that with the heaviness of the situation in his head and his chest. He had dinner, brushed his teeth and put his sweatpants, white t-shirt and gray hoodie on.
It doesn't take long before he is walking along the hallway that takes to that room again, curiosity and nervousness making him anxious to meet this mysterious boy once more before he goes to sleep.
When he flicks the keys into the locket of the door and enters the room, darkness surrounds it. Sebastian lifts the gaze to him, sitting on the bed with his knees pressed to his chest, long skinny legs exposed since he is still naked. Kurt knew he was and that why, as soon as he closes the door behind his back, he walks to bed and puts some clothes on it, the ones he had under his arm.
Sebastian swallows and looks at him unsure.
"Why?" He asks.
"You must be cold." Kurt nods to the window that is now closed. "There's a bathroom in there, you know?" He points at the little door at the end of the room. "There are no windows and it's quite small, but … what's up?" He sits on the bed when he notices the way Sebastian is looking at him.
"You … I thought the windows were locked …" Sebastian licks his lower lip, looking down. "I thought you forgot to seal it before you went away and I've considered running away, jumping off of the window …"
Kurt suckles a breath. He feels hurt at the idea of Sebastian considering that for some reason. "Why didn't you do that then?" He asks anyway.
"It wasn't locked." Sebastian looks up to him again and on his lips there's the shy form of a smile. "You … undid my bandage and left the window opened. You aren't forcing me to stay here …" He speaks softly, his voice weak but somehow happy. "I could have escaped."
"I told you it is dangerous outside." Kurt grins a little, crawling closer, trying not to gaze at Sebastian's perfect little body, his gorgeous freckles along his shoulders, neck and face. "I meant it. Don't ever think about running away. Someone might …"
When he stops, unable to finish the sentence because of the tight hold in his chest, Sebastian unwraps his arms from where he had it around his legs.
"I know." He shrugs. "I believe you."
Those words. I believe you. They make something clench inside Kurt.
"You know," he smiles, looking fondly at this wonderful naked boy in front of him, "on any other day, I would spank you, but I guess today you're lucky."
"Yeah," Sebastian gasps a little at the mention, his smile dropping.
Kurt hates the way it drops, and hates the fact that he hates it.
"But I'm not going to, okay?" He murmurs, trying to reassure him – Kurt doesn't know how to reassure people. "I came here to-"
"Fuck?" Sebastian lifts his eyebrows.
"Talk." Kurt tightens his eyelids and looks a little strict now. "Don't take too much advantage of my good mood, Sebastian." The threatening sound of his voice is enough to have Sebastian gulping and looking worried again. Kurt ignores the way his stomach trembles.
"Fine, master." Sebastian looks down. "What do you need to talk about?"
"About earlier." Kurt sighs, thinking back at this morning.
"I'm sorry." Sebastian says immediately then, as if he had spend all the day thinking back about what happened. "I'm really sorry for not having accepted your apologies." He gazes at Kurt's face, his eyes suddenly wet with tears. "I don't know anything about your life and I just thought you were heartless, I-"
"I am." Kurt says bitterly as he shivers at the thought and looks straight into Sebastian's eyes. "What you've told me this morning made me realize something …"
Sebastian swallows visibly again and for a few moments, they stay in silence and just look at each other. When Kurt forgets that he was speaking, Sebastian reminds him.
"What?" He asks, breathlessly, "What did that make you realize?"
Kurt licks his lips and gathers his thoughts for a moment.
"I was never a good person." He smiles bitterly and looks down. "I can't remember a time when I was, but … maybe I've recently crossed the line too much and I didn't even realize." He shakes his head and then looks into Sebastian's eyes. "Hurting you so much, making you cry and then … even treating you like crap even while trying to apologize … that was mean. I'm so, so sorry, Sebastian, I mean it."
"You've meant it this morning too." Sebastian says immediately. "I knew it and I was rude anyway."
"Don't even think about apologizing, Sebastian." Kurt cuts, serious. "I'm a man of honor and I can take my responsibilities. I constantly make mistakes but this is too much. I should have never done that to you."
Sebastian's lips tilt up into a smile and Kurt tries to fight the sense of happiness that comes with it. He can't help but smile back anyway.
"I accept your apology, master." Sebastian shrugs, looking happier than the last time he had seen it.
Kurt stays in silence once more, but this time is because he is pondering. Sebastian is now more open with him, less aggressive, so this might be the chance to find out about him and the reason why he was so conflicted at the idea of sex, the reason why he cried.
"Sebastian?" He asked.
"Master?"
"Can I ask you something?" Kurt sneaks closer and when Sebastian opens his legs instinctively, he slides between them. He tries hard not to make this sexual, tries to pretend Sebastian isn't as hot as he is.
"Yeah," Sebastian seems a little breathless now.
When Kurt's arms rest at the sides of his torso and his face is now close to his, Sebastian doesn't seem to be unwilling to the closeness. Kurt's chest is almost stroking Sebastian's naked one but Kurt just hangs suspended over him, breathing in the scent of male that he likes so much.
"You cried, but you said you wanted to have sex with me," he murmurs over Sebastian's mouth, looking straight into his eyes, "Why did you cry then?"
Sebastian's face becomes conflicted in the blink of an eye and Kurt's heart beats fast because there is a reason then. There's something Sebastian is hiding, something that makes it hard for him to talk about it out loud.
"I …" Sebastian pulls out, but he stops immediately, his eyes wetting at the exact moment he blinks.
Kurt feels his chest tightening at the sight. He doesn't want to make him cry again. He is reaching the bottom recently; he is turning into a monster. This boy won't be the victim of this transformation, he can't allow it.
"Don't." Kurt says, lifting his hand to brush it along Sebastian's cheekbone.
When Sebastian startles at the contact, Kurt feels like dying. He has never been so delicate with someone, why is Sebastian scared?
"Don't cry." He whispers then, leaning over and pressing a soft kiss on Sebastian's forehead.
Before he can move away or say anything, Sebastian wraps his arms firmly around his waist, tugging Kurt closer until their bodies smash together. Kurt swallows, his face pressed in the bare crook of Sebastian's neck and Sebastian's arms shaking like the boy is afraid he's done something he didn't have permission for. But if there's something that Kurt knows is that when his boy needs affection, as a good master, he has to give it to him.
This is different somehow, Sebastian holding him, sighing and sobbing against him, keeping Kurt's face pressed on his skin and Kurt's body between his legs, on his crotch as if it was intimately normal … it makes Kurt strangely happy. Except for the fact that Sebastian is crying, that doesn't make him happy.
"Please …" Sebastian cries out, but Kurt isn't sure about what he means.
"What, baby?" Kurt murmurs softly, "Tell me, what do you need?" He wraps his arms around Sebastian's torso, daring to lean and kiss Sebastian under his jaw.
"Just hold me …" Sebastian says, his voice shaky.
"Do you want me to hold you a little?" Kurt asks, stroking Sebastian's back fondly. It's his duty to do so.
"Not a little …" Sebastian cries, pressing his cheek on Kurt's head, through his hair, "Please, hold me and don't let go."
"I should slap you for what you're doing." Kurt says honestly, though he doesn't sound mean. "I've slapped many guys before for trying to hug me …"
"Don't, please." Sebastian whispers and Kurt tilts his head to look at Sebastian's face.
It is all wet with tears, again, and his lips are trembling. The sight makes him cringe uncomfortably, but he can't do more than hugging him and holding him for a few minutes. He can stroke him but then he needs to go. He isn't used to this fondness, to be so close with another person, to wipe someone's tears away.
"I won't but let me go." Kurt says, his body stiff, looking into Sebastian's dim eyes. "Let me go, Sebastian."
He makes sure his voice isn't too threatening because, how he said before, today is not the day. But his tone must be firm enough to convince Sebastian because he actually lets go, his arms falling until his hands are on the bed again.
Kurt stands on his knees, nodding at the edge of the bed.
"We won't have sex today." He says, as if it wasn't clear. "I'm going to dress you up and then I'll leave. It's been a bad day and I just want to sleep."
Sebastian hesitates for a moment. Kurt hates to read it on his face what he is thinking. Kurt has rarely spent the night in the room with the boys and it wasn't because someone was crying, but because he was too lazy to go back into his room.
Eventually, Sebastian gives up and nods, looking so sad that it almost breaks Kurt's heart. Almost, he can't allow anyone to do that to him. If he ever chose to follow his dad's steps, to do what he wants him to do, he can't allow himself to become softer in any way. He has to be a rock. He was almost giving up a few minutes ago, so he needs to come to himself. Not being a complete asshole doesn't mean being an angel.
He won't hurt Sebastian unless it's necessary, but he won't do everything Sebastian says he needs just because he is crying. He will take care of him, but there is no need for him to break the rules he has always followed. For who? Just for a boy who has piercing green eyes and a gorgeous smile when he shows it? He can't.
"C'mere." He says, strictly but not coldly. Sebastian hesitates, looking a little scared. "C'mere, honey, I won't hurt you."
He moves a little back, taking the clothes he had leant on the mattress and then turning back to Sebastian who is finally shifting to move closer. Kurt isn't aware of the smile blossoming on his face.
"Sit up, baby boy." He says, calmer now that there's some distance between them.
"Like this?" Sebastian asks, lifting on his knees.
Kurt moves closer then, holding an undershirt in his hands. He lifts it until it hangs over Sebastian's head and then, when Sebastian raises his arms a little, Kurt makes it slip along his body until he steadies it on his torso. It's a little small maybe, but it doesn't fit too badly. When his knuckles accidentally brush over Sebastian's well-built abs, Kurt bites his lower lip, feeling just an uncomfortable twitch in his crotch. He looks down at where the shirt is tight around Sebastian's torso and sighs a little.
"Too small?" He asks, looking up to Sebastian's face.
"No, it's fine," Sebastian says softly.
Kurt nods and then he takes a heavy hoodie he stole from Finn's wardrobe.
"Put your arms out, this will fit better," he says and Sebastian does.
Kurt dresses him up, covering the delicate cotton of the undershirt with one that can protect Sebastian from the cold of the night. He pats his hands on the boy's torso, especially the chest, to fix the hoodie around him.
"Sit down, baby," He strokes Sebastian's cheek, watching with amusement at the way Sebastian presses into the touch, almost purring at the contact.
He moves down, lying back on the bed with his legs closed and his torso lifted. Kurt takes out the boxers and makes them run along his thin legs, his breathing getting harder for a brief moment when he finds himself close to Sebastian's crotch, his soft cock hanging right there. Kurt doesn't even blink. He just covers Sebastian with the material like he is afraid that he might change his mind if he doesn't and just make this sexual again. Sebastian looks too hurt to have sex, so there is no way Kurt is going to allow it.
The pants are put up way more easily and Sebastian is dressed up in a moment. When Kurt trails back and they look at each other, his green eyes are filled with a thankful light. Kurt hopes his own aren't filled with the desire he's feeling but he can't be sure. Even if his pupils are a little blown though, Sebastian doesn't seem to notice.
"Thank you, master." He says instead, resigned at the nickname, but wonderfully blessed at the pleasure of being wrapped into clothes.
"You're welcome, baby." Kurt smiles and then he leans over to press a soft kiss on Sebastian's mouth.
Sebastian smiles into the kiss and that is relieving because Kurt is more willing to go now that he has seen that Sebastian is calmer. He couldn't survive the guilt if Sebastian still looked hurt after this.
When Kurt pulls back, he gives one look to Sebastian overall, gazing at his whole body like he wants to make sure every inch is covered. He notices his bare feet and winces, sighing a little sadly.
"I should have brought some socks, God, your feet must feel cold." He bites his lower lip, but Sebastian smiles.
"They warm up better under the sheets this way." He says and Kurt smiles too.
He is conflicted at the way he feels like smiling and gets mad quickly. Sebastian manages to change his moods as fast as the weather changes.
"Okay, fine." Kurt licks his lips and pulls a little away though his pretty boy's lips look quite tempting. "I'm going to go to sleep and I'll come here tomorrow when I wake up. If I'm late, it's because I'm having a long breakfast. Oh wait, did you eat?" Kurt asks, just to be sure.
"Yeah, a guard brought me pasta." Sebastian shrugs. "Honestly, it's better than what I used to eat at my place."
Something tight clasps inside Kurt's chest but he tries to fight the grimace that comes with it. He has no idea what it feels like not to get a good meal, in fact, Kurt is actually very spoiled. He can't deal with other guilt right now, especially if it comes from a fault which isn't necessary connected to him.
"Are you still hungry? All you have to do is ask for it." He murmurs and Sebastian shakes his head.
"I've up all day just thinking. I guess I will just go to sleep now." He lifts the covers and nods to Kurt. The fact that he is still smiling a little is somehow relieving.
"Fine," Kurt steps back to the door, "Good night, Sebastian. I'll bring you clean clothes in the morning."
"You're spoiling me," Sebastian jokes, though his voice sounds a little bitter, "good night, master."
When Kurt gets out of the room, for some reason he can't explain to himself, the word master sounds half-wrong and half-safe in his head.