A/N: This is for the Kurtbastian Hiatus Project prompt 'movie/book AU'. I chose Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 classic 'The Birds'. Warning for anxiety, bird attacks, mention of death (not major characters), blood and wounds. Has some humorous moments.

"I changed my mind. I can't do it."

"What!?" Sebastian, poised at the front door, ready and raring to go, turns his head to stare at Kurt with a look of disbelief on his careworn face. "What do you mean you can't do it?"

Kurt doesn't see Sebastian's comical glare because his eyes are glued to the spectacle outside – the one that has them trapped inside their house, keeping them from leaving.

Birds. Hundreds upon hundreds of birds. Birds of all kinds – crows, ravens, gulls, sparrows, pigeons. This bizarre menagerie of flocking birds has settled quite completely over their small town of Bodega Bay. No one knows where they came from or why they're here, but the only thing that seems certain is they have no intention of leaving.

The birds want this town. They've claimed it as their own.

They've even killed in order to take it – a school teacher, a neighbor, even an ex-lover of Sebastian's have all been brutally murdered by these savage birds. No one took them seriously when they first arrived, but at the time the attacks weren't all that horrific. A child playing in the park got nipped on the ankle. A few birds flew into the window of a moving truck. A small flock of sparrows got into an attic and refused to be eradicated.

But as time went by, the attacks escalated, until a combined flock of gulls and ravens attacked a family diner, chasing Kurt into an old-school phone booth and trapping him inside. That was nearly the end for Kurt, and not just because the birds were ruthlessly slamming into the glass, shattering it, picking away at it to get at him, but because Kurt was claustrophobic, and being trapped in that small space almost broke him.

If Sebastian hadn't gotten to him in time, Kurt would have burst out of the thing and run crazy, attacking birds or no.

They had been holed up in their house for the past three days, keeping the birds at bay. They listened to the news reports on the radio, (Their WiFi had been knocked out, and all they had was an emergency wind up FM radio that Kurt only owned because his father insisted. Thank you, dad.) but no one from California to Washington had any answers. The only thing Kurt and Sebastian had heard that concerned them was that Bodega Bay was being evacuated, and if they didn't leave right away then they would be barricaded in when the National Guard arrived. After that, it wouldn't matter. Because of the fear of Avian transmitted diseases, no one would be let out.

"Kurt, we really don't have the time to discuss this," Sebastian hisses, "we're running out of time."

"I…I know," Kurt stammers, trying his best to back away from the window but finding himself stuck to the spot, paralyzed with fear. "I know, but, what if we just stay here?" Kurt reasons. "We've been safe so far."

"Kurt…they got in through the fireplace last night," Sebastian says, his eyes sweeping the living room to the numerous dead bodies of parakeets that had stormed through their open flue in an attempt to kill them. "So this damn house is no safer than anywhere else in this fucking town. And besides, in a few days we won't have any food or water. Kurt, we have to go now!"

Kurt stares at a raven walking along the railing on the porch outside. It stops at the post cap and perches, then turns around in a slow circle. It catches Kurt's eyes staring and caws loudly, causing the other birds around it to turn toward Kurt and caw. Kurt jumps back.

"Yeah, no. I can't go out there."

"Kurt," Sebastian says, at the fringe edge of his patience, "you either walk out there on your own two feet and get into my car, or I am carrying your skinny ass out over my shoulder. It's your choice."

"Uh…" Kurt swallows hard when the raven who started the alarm flings itself at the window, "I think you're going to have to carry me. Sorry."

Sebastian drops the bag he's holding and rushes over to where Kurt has taken up an immovable post in front of the window. He picks his husband up swiftly and tosses him over one shoulder, hardly grunting at all with the effort, and Kurt can't help but become inappropriately turned-on.

"Stop squirming," Sebastian teases, but with a hint of annoyed urgency in his tone. He smacks Kurt once on the ass to keep him still. "I don't have the time to spank you properly."

"Well, I'm sorry that my little phobia is getting in the way of your Neanderthal instincts."

"Yeah, well, serves me right for marrying a man with a bird phobia. When did this happen, anyway?"

"You mean besides the fact that I was attacked not a few days ago by these things?" Kurt grouses, trying to send a kick to Sebastian's ass and almost dislodging himself from his shoulder. "I actually have a past trauma with regard to birds."

"Oh, please tell me this isn't another kinky Blaine thing," Sebastian whines, rolling his eyes.

"I don't think now is the time to discuss my ex's bird fetish," Kurt scolds. "Do you?"

Sebastian sighs and heads for the door, leaning down to pick up his discarded bag.

"Now, I need you to keep quiet," Sebastian warns Kurt. "Not a peep from you, you got it? I don't care what the fuck happens out there."

Kurt whimpers but doesn't say a word. He can't see what Sebastian is doing, and he doesn't turn to look. Once he hears the door open and feels the rush of cold air hit his skin, he closes his eyes tight.

Sebastian stares out past the patio and the yard beyond, trying to keep his focus locked on the Porsche sitting in front of the house, but the constant movement in the corner of his vision keeps pulling his focus away. Even if he doesn't look at them, he can't exactly ignore them. They are loud; the multitudes of birds perching all around, waddling about his feet, some circling overhead, not necessarily cawing or calling in any way, constitute an overwhelming din. The breathing, the scuttling, the flapping of wings have become an unnerving noise that engulfs him the minute he takes a tentative step into its midst. He feels Kurt shudder, but he does nothing to calm him.

Sebastian has to make it to the car, and make it there fast, but the mob of birds encroaching at his feet is making that difficult for him.

With Kurt slung over his shoulder, rigid as a statue, trying to keep still, Sebastian quickly assesses his options.

He can try to make a run for it. With the luggage in his hand and Kurt over his shoulder, it would be treacherous. He might fall right in the thick of the flock, and even if he doesn't fall, the ruckus of him running will definitely send them on the attack.

That's exactly what happened at the school the day the teacher, Marie, was killed. She had sent the children running out of the school house, telling them not to stop until they reached their homes, while she ran along to her own house with her niece. The flock followed the children, attacking and nipping one or two along the way, but the children all made it home with barely more than a few bites and scratches.

The bulk of the flock, however, went after Marie, almost as if they knew she was behind the children's escape. She managed to shove her niece inside her house before they completely covered the poor woman.

According to the shivering, cowering girl they found hiding in a closet later in the evening, it took over an hour for her aunt to stop screaming.

Sebastian gets a sudden image of him and Kurt being consumed by the flock gathering at his feet, clustering in the air overhead, circling them, waiting for them to do something stupid and trip up.

Pass.

Slow and steady it would have to be then.

Sebastian shuffles his feet slowly, each step an exercise in keeping his balance while he inches along. He feels the birds brush against his legs, nipping at his pants, stepping on his feet as they walk by. Sweat rolls down his back as he moves, not only from the stress of keeping Kurt from sliding off his shoulder (which maybe hasn't been his greatest idea to date) but also from the heat seeping out of Kurt's body and into his. They had opted to wear long-sleeved shirts in case of an attack, and right now, Sebastian was regretting it. Sliding along the wooden slats of the patio, barely making a sound, he's able to maintain…until he gets to the stairs. As a reflex, he puts his hand on the railing to keep his balance.

His action is met by a sharp nip.

A large black raven stares down at the hand below him, and Sebastian bites his tongue to keep from cursing at the wretched thing.

He cautiously moves his hand, and the bird seems content to let him go without any further argument, keeping one oddly intelligent-looking eye trained on the foolish humans as they try to maneuver through the gulls that inhabit the stairs.

Sebastian keeps his mind blank, not wanting his thoughts to wander away on him at a crucial moment. If he could only get Kurt to relax and drape his body over him, that would be a tremendous help. His husband is stiff like a surfboard and holding his breath, which makes his ab muscles dig into Sebastian's shoulder.

If he fucking passes out, I'll kill him, Sebastian thinks as he descends the last step and makes his way through the yard.

Scritch…scritch…scritch…scritch…

The sound of Sebastian's shuffling feet doesn't seem to bother the birds, but it interests them.

Sebastian accidentally shoves one aside – not too forcefully – but it turns and caws, showing its displeasure with a bite to his ankle. Sebastian stops and holds his breath, waiting for the oncoming assault, but nothing happens. He can feel Kurt's chest moving now, and he knows his husband is trying hard not to cry out loud. He wants to comfort him, to whisper to him that everything is going to be okay, but he doesn't risk making a noise.

For some reason, the birds are letting them pass by, relatively unharmed.

Sebastian should be relieved, but he has a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He can see the car up ahead; their goal is within their grasp.

In the car and down the street toward the interstate, Sebastian repeats in his head. In the car and down the street toward the interstate.

He reaches the gate to the white picket fence and swings it open. He can clearly see the car in front of them, not ten feet away, but one look at the reflection in the black paint and his heart stops.

The birds from the patio, the birds from the yard, the birds from the steps and the sidewalk all around are following them, closing in on them, hurrying to catch up with them before they make it to the car.

Sebastian pretends he didn't see them and continues walking. Even when the birds at his feet no longer move aside when they see him coming, he finds empty spaces in between their feathery bodies and steps into them. He receives bite after bite to his ankles. Some of them break the skin and bleed, but he can't stop.

Two feet away from the curb he realizes he has one more obstacle to cross before he can get Kurt into the car, and he curses his own stupidity for not dealing with it while they were still back in the house.

The doors to the Porsche are locked.

He needs his key fob to open it.

When it does, it will disable the alarm and make a loud chirping sound.

Shit!

Sebastian isn't sure that the sound won't trigger the birds.

His ex was killed on his doorstep when his cell phone text alert went off.

A single ping and the man was torn to pieces.

He has a plan, but he can't relay it to Kurt. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place with the unfortunate dueling outcomes being do they die now, or in a few minutes?

He can't think about it anymore. He has no choice. The birds are going to attack, of that Sebastian is sure, and they're not necessarily going to need the sound of an alarm as a signal to go ahead and do it.

He reaches into his pocket, not as slowly as he would have before, and he can already hear the flutter of feathers behind him grow louder. He hears Kurt let out a tiny choked gasp and that's all he needs.

He presses the button on the fob.

The car alarm disengages.

Chirp-chirp.

There's a second of absolute silence, as if everything around them is collectively holding their breaths, and then the birds take flight.

Sebastian is moving before he registers the feeling of beaks biting his face and hands.

"Fuckfuckfuck!" he mutters through the pain as he rushes for the car. He feels wings beating against his arms and his back. He hears Kurt wail as a large gull descends on his exposed neck.

But Sebastian also hears the satisfying crunch of a few birds trampled underfoot, feels the wetness of their blood on his pants as they pop like overstuffed balloons, and he smiles grimly.

He drops the luggage, declaring it a lost cause as he opens the driver's side door and throws Kurt inside along with the gull still latched to his bleeding neck. Sebastian tears the frantically flapping creature off of Kurt, wringing its neck in his hands and throwing the carcass to the ground.

A feverish onslaught of ravens and crows charge him. Every inch of exposed skin stings with razor-sharp nips and slices until his muscles become paralyzed from the pain. He barrels through, beating the birds that have latched onto his arms against the body of his car, but for every bird he kills, two more take its place, and the weight drags him to the ground.

The birds on his shoulder take aim for his eyes. He squeezes his eyes shut to protect them since he can't bring his hands to his face.

He feels his body shaken and shoved, pulled and pushed, while a familiar scream echoes through his ears.

"Get…the fuck…off…my husband…you stupid…winged…vermin!" Kurt screams. Hit after hit lightens the weight from Sebastian's body. Finally, he stands on trembling legs and forces his way into the car. Sebastian gets into his seat and shuts the door behind him, coming face to face with his panting, hysterical husband. Gashes cover Kurt's face and neck; blood stains his collar, as well as the rips and tears in his long-sleeved shirt. From the wide eyes staring back at him, Sebastian can only imagine what his own face looks like.

He doesn't want to look.

"It's okay," Sebastian says, reaching out to Kurt, but pulling his hand away when he realizes there is almost nowhere on Kurt's body he can touch that isn't scratched and bleeding. "We're safe. Everything is going to be fine."

A heavy thud smacking into the windshield proves him wrong.

"Go!" Kurt yells in a hoarse whisper. "Go, go, go, go…"

"Okay," Sebastian says, swiveling in his seat, eager to get away from the dark cloud of beaks and feathers surrounding his car before his husband slips into shock. "I'm going, I'm going, I'm…shit!" Sebastian pats his body up and down, checking every pocket, but he can't find his keys. He peeks out the window, trying to see the sidewalk between the throng of bodies outside. "I dropped my keys!"

"What the fuck!?" Kurt yells, finally reaching a snapping point. "What the…how the fuck did you drop yours keys?"

"Did you happen to miss the five tons of birds trying to tear me apart?" Sebastian yells back. Sebastian takes a look all around the foot well of the car, feeling beneath the seat, straining to glimpse between the seat and the door panel. He catches sight of his fob, the small chain that connects to his key ring caught in the door. "Okay, I found them…"

"Thank God!" Kurt says, breathing a premature sigh of relief.

"They're caught in the door," Sebastian adds quickly, "I have to open the door to get them."

"No!" Kurt squeals. "No, don't open the door!" Kurt grabs at Sebastian's arms, trying to pull at the fabric left on his sleeves and pull Sebastian away from the door. "Please!"

"Kurt, I have to get the keys," Sebastian says firmly. "We're not going anywhere without the keys."

Kurt crawls to his side of the car, defeated, drawing his legs up in front of him and sealing his hands over his ears.

"No…" Kurt says quietly, shaking his head back and forth, sobbing behind his knees.

Sebastian knows they don't have too long before he loses Kurt altogether. They have to go.

He takes a deep breath, getting one last look out the window at the birds hovering in front of the glass, staring in at him, waiting for him to make his move.

One…

He counts down to himself in his head, not wanting to alarm Kurt.

Two…

He lets the breath out between his teeth.

Three!

He grabs the fob and opens the door. Immediately, a flurry of yellow beaks shoves their way in the cracks of the door, grabbing at his fingers, tugging at his hair, aiming for his nose and eyes. With the keys secured in his fist, he pulls the door shut tight, ignoring the screeching cries of birds whose beaks he cracked in half.

"Okay, okay, okay," he chants for Kurt's benefit as he shoves the key into the ignition, "we're going."

The engine roars to life, causing the birds outside to spiral into a frenzy, throwing themselves at the car, gathering beneath the tires, making it impossible for Sebastian to drive.

Or so they think. Apparently, the local avian know nothing about the wonders of German engineering. Sebastian throws the car into gear and the thunders through the mass of birds, blindly plowing a row. Feathers fly up all around them. Blood spatters the windows. The constant thud, thud, thud of bodies battering the car reverberates around their ears, but Sebastian doesn't stop as he makes his way to the interstate.

"The…the glass…" Kurt mutters as bird after bird collides with the windshield.

"It's bulletproof," Sebastian says with a humorless laugh. "Do you remember when you told me that was a ridiculous option to spend $15,000 on?"

"I was wrong, alright?" Kurt pleads with his hands still over his ears. "I was wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!"

Under other circumstances, Sebastian would have asked Kurt to repeat that into his phone so he could have it recorded for all posterity, but they have cleared the fog of birds, and Sebastian is on the highway, speeding towards the blockade. Ahead of him, several soldiers in uniform begin closing their only exit. One soldier sees them, and taps the shoulder of the soldier beside her. The two send up an alarm, waving at the oncoming Porsche, gesturing for them to come on through.

Kurt peeks up as warm sunlight touches his skin again. His eyes blink against the bright light, and he scans the bit of highway he can see without moving his head too much to look around. The road is completely clear and quiet, without a single bird or car in sight.

"We're…we're the last ones out of the bay," Kurt comments, a small smile growing on his blanched and bloodied face. "And…it doesn't look too bad from here. Maybe they'll get this cleaned up and someday we can go back."

Sebastian's eyes flick up to his rearview mirror and he swallows the lump in his throat. He puts an arm around Kurt's shoulders, keeping his eyes focused forward as they slip through the barricade and it closes up behind them.

"That's right, babe. It doesn't look too bad from here," Sebastian lies as his eyes take one last look at the beautiful home where they had chosen to live out the rest of their lives, completely buried by the flock that had trounced out their once beloved town.