Carlisle pov
I watched as the light of my life walked away, but failed to feel any sadness. I wondered if I could feel anything anymore. I just felt numb, empty. I longed for her to come back and hug me, for her to understand. I could tell I was tearing our family apart. Jasper tried to stay away from me and I knew Edward blocked my thoughts. I didn't think Alice could see me anymore either.
I got up and walked to the bathroom, digging out a pair of scissors from the draws as I passed. Locking the door, I stood in front of the mirror. A husk of a person looked back, a person with coal black eyes. I pulled up my sleeve.
As I plunged the blade into my flesh, pain flooded through me. Satisfaction over rowed it when I realised that I was feeling something. I smiled to myself, knowing that I wasn't dead.
After a few minutes, the pain subsided and I became unfeeling again. I slowly wrapped a bandage around the cut, hiding the bleeding. My family didn't need to see this, they didn't need to know. As I wiped the blood from the sink, I felt warm tears slither down my face. Why won't she just hug me? I needed it more than anything. Maybe I wasn't good enough; I knew I didn't deserve her. She should be with someone better.
Wiping my face, I went downstairs in search of her. I could feel the stares of my family on my back, they knew something wasn't right. I knew I was hurting them. I hated it, they deserved better too. Maybe I should just go. Esme went to walk past me. It was like she couldn't see me.
"Esme," I said, trying to keep my voice even as I attempted to put my arms around her. She pushed me away and continued walking, otherwise not acknowledging that I was there. A bubble of hurt formed in my chest and I tried my best not to cry in front of the others. I tried to keep my breathing under control, but I could feel anxiety rising.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and felt my face become went. Throwing open the door, I ran into the forest.
My foot caught on a root and I fell against the ground. I didn't want to get up again. Ever. I had been running for hours, not knowing where I was going. Now I didn't know where I was. Around me I could smell the scent of other vampires and I knew they should be familiar but my mind was too jumbled up with panic to recognise them.
I pulled myself upright and lent against a tree. My vision was starting to blur due to hyperventilation. I sat there trying to control myself, knowing I had to wait the anxiety attack out before I could find my way home again.
If I was even going home.
Maybe I shouldn't.
Suddenly I felt things crawling against my skin. Not on my skin, under it. I ripped the bandage off and began clawing at my arms, trying in vain to get them out. I couldn't help the scream of terror the escaped me. Once I broke through my fingers met only blood and wet flesh, no insects. I searched for the bugs but they were gone. The trees surrounding me seemed to be closing in, making the space I was in cramped and uncomfortable. I constantly felt as though someone was watching me.
I leapt to my feet and began running again. I had to get away from whatever beast was out there. I could smell the scent of other vampires. It was stronger now. They were close. I couldn't fight back. Not like this. Run further. I could feel I was crying again but this time didn't care. I had to get away. They were back. Crawling again. Still my fingers met nothing. My chest hurt from breathing so hard.
Suddenly my vision was gone and I fell against the earth again. I could see home, but I knew I wasn't real. The vampire was coming closer, I could scene them this time. I growled, hoping they might back off, but doubted it.
"Stop, child, your all right," a voice commanded me. No I'm not. I felt a hand grab me and snarled, scrambling to get away.
"Carlisle, stop. I'll return your vision once you calm down." Again I growled. When they touched me I jerked back. "Carlisle listen to me, child." Maybe it would be better if they killed me.
"Do it," I hissed.
"What?" asked the foreign vampire. I knew their scent but was still too panicked to recognise them or figure out whether they would hurt me. I was pretty much their prisoner so assumed they would. People don't blind other people for nothing.
"Kill me."
"I'm not going to do that, Carlisle, calm down."
"Please." I now longed for it.
"Do you know who this is child?" I shook my head, waiting for them to hit me like my father would have. "Do you know where you are?" I responded the same. "Sit up, where are you bleeding?"
"I'm not."
"I did not have blood on me before I touched you." I felt slightly calmer, I recognised the voice, just couldn't remember who it was. I sat, obeying orders. Whoever it was gasped. "What happened to you?" I shrugged.
My vision returned. I still couldn't recognise them. Suddenly, I couldn't even remember why I was out here in the first place. I looked down to see what they were talking about. The under sides of my forearms were completely ripped open. I remembered the cut this morning, but nothing else.
"I don't know," I said quietly, still expecting them to hit me.
"Do you know where you are right now?" Their voice was soft, comforting.
"No…" I could feel tears starting again, but I was past caring. I wished the ground would just open and swallow me up. The tears turned into sobs. I wished the woman in front of me was Esme. I wished that this person would just kill me. I wished I could be good enough. I wished she would hug me, or at least talk to me without yelling.
"It's Zafrina, Carlisle. And you're somewhere just out of Alaska." Had I really gone that far? I looked around and noticed the sky was dark; the air temperature was cold, almost freezing. I shivered and pulled my arms around myself. I had no idea where my jacket had gone.
She began talking to someone over her shoulder. I heard my name and the word 'Denali'. I shook my head.
"N-not g-going."
"Where?" She asked me.
"T-to D-Denali." They didn't need to be dragged into this as well. The fact that my family had to put up with it was bad enough, and now Zafrina as well.
"Okay then," she said sighing and pulling me to my feet. "We'll take you home." As soon as she mentioned home a sob burst from me. "Come on, you can tell me about it as we walk. Do you think that we should call Esme or somebody?" She quietly told the rest of her coven to carry on.
"No…" I said quietly and began walking in the direction I had just come, assuming home was that way.
"This way, child," she told me laughing. "go that way and you'll end up where you just said you didn't want to go." As we walked and I got my bearings back, I realised how close I was to Denali. I was defiantly in their hunting area. Had anybody been out at the time, they probably would have found me, or at least come across my scent.
"W-what are y-you d-doing over h-here?" I asked as my anxiety cleared up a bit. To my surprise it wasn't replaced by the numbness, but by an aching sadness that seemed to drill into me.
I didn't know what was worse.
"Visiting for supposed 'extended family'," she replied with a laugh.
Eventually, I saw my house. Nothing looked out of place or unusual. I stopped, almost unsure whether I wanted to go back.
"You want me to go with you, or go by yourself?" She said quietly. I thought about it for a minute.
"I'll g-go by myself."
"Okay then." She pulled me to her and hugged me tightly, somehow knowing my need even though I told her nothing.
"T-thank you," I murmured.
"It's fine, child. Go before they miss you." With that she walked away. I doubted they would have missed me. Esme was mad at me when I left. I felt suddenly nervous. After a few minutes, I approached the house, the thought of my wife and warmth propelling me forward.